Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Don’t you ever get tired of being so nice all the time?” Renjun asks one day, staring at Jeno’s expression. He sighs.

“Ugh, of course you don’t.” he says, before Jeno can even answer. “But don’t you get tired of always doing what everyone else wants to do? You’re a person too, you know. You must have opinions on things. But you just do what everyone else wants all the time.” Jeno blinks big eyes back at him.

“I just like to make sure everyone is happy,” Jeno says, and Renjun sighs again. He does that a lot when he talks to Jeno.

"You're part of ‘everyone’, Jeno. You have to be happy too, or it just doesn’t work.” Renjun is always trying to give Jeno these talks, and Jeno isn’t really sure why. It’s not like he’s suffering or his life sucks. Living this way hasn’t caused him to run into any major problems so far, or at least that’s what he tells himself.

Maybe it’s because Jeno is the kind of person who does things like let Jaemin sleep on his lap while he tries to study even though it’s hurting his hips and he has to use the restroom. Things like eating a meal he doesn’t like so he doesn’t offend the cook. Things like getting a headache from the song Donghyuk has been playing on loop for three hours but not saying anything because he doesn’t want to make anyone unhappy.

But no matter how Renjun explains it to him, suffering a little bit just always seems like the right thing to do.

So of course Jeno sees Jaemin getting ready for a date with the guy he’s been talking about all week and he just smiles, like it doesn’t feel like his heart is being crushed into dust. He just smiles.

“I hope he likes me,” Jaemin says, adjusting his shirt collar, checking his hair in the mirror for the 6th time. Jeno’s eyes are only a little wet when he says “Jaemin, I don’t think it’d be possible for him not to like you,” and the smile he gets in return sets his insides ablaze.

“I don’t mean to sound like an asshole,” Renjun says, which usually means he’s about to say something eerily similar to what an asshole would say. “But you can’t keep doing what you’re doing and expect something to change, you know? That just doesn’t make any sense. You’re going to have to either do something, or get used to feeling like this.”

“I know,” Jeno sighs. “But I’m just so afraid of ruining everything,”

“Anything would be better than this,” Renjun says, looking Jeno right in the eyes. “Anything,”

“Where’s Jaemin?” Mark asks, looking around the apartment Jaemin and Jeno share as he hangs up his coat. Him and Jeno have a project to work on together. It’s weird to see a childhood friend in your grown up apartment. Well, as grown up as an 18 year old can be. My, have things changed, Jeno thinks.

“He has a date.” Jeno replies. “It gets lonely when he isn’t here,” Jeno says, like it’s casual. “Just the two of us live here, you know? If he goes then it’s just...me.”

“And what’s so bad about that?” Mark laughs, always optimistic. It hurts a little for some reason.

“That Jaemin,” Mark says fondly. Jeno smiles thinly, and it must show. Mark gives him a sympathetic look and puts a hand over his. “You’ll get used to him not being here,” What he doesn’t tell Mark is that he never wants to get used to it.

“You know, Jeno,” Mark says. “It’s funny. It’s been years but you still wear your expressions on your face just the same.” It’s not a malicious statement on purpose, but it makes Jeno feel unsafe, cold and exposed. He can only hope Jaemin doesn’t feel the same way. Mark breaks the delicate moment, shattering it like glass when he flips the pages of his textbook.

“So, this project…” he says, and Jeno shakes his head to clear it. It doesn’t really work.

Jaemin comes back in while Jeno is laying with his head hanging off the couch upside down. Mark left a while ago, and there’s no trace of his visit. Jeno doesn’t like that it feels like a secret, but he knows Jaemin wouldn’t mind. There’s not really any need to mention it.

Jaemin laughs when he sees him, clearly in a great mood.

“How did it go?” Jeno asks, referring to the date. He stays upside down, eyes trained on the Pororo rerun that currently has his attention.

“It was amazing,” Jaemin says. ”I had a great time. We went to the arcade and played skee ball, and then we got coffee and a light dinner at this local place where his aunt works. It was just really nice,”

“I’m really happy for you!” Jeno says, sitting up and hoping it sounds sincere. “See? You were so nervous and it was fine!”

“You’re right,” Jaemin says, and Jeno doesn’t have to look to know his eyes are twinkling.

“Thank you, Jeno.” Jeno just hums. He’s not focused on Pororo anymore even though his eyes are technically on the television. He’s thinking, chest aching yet again, and Mark’s words echoing like a ghost’s haunting cries in his head.

Renjun is reviewing his Chem notes and eating a sandwich when Jeno puts his bag down on the floor and puts his head down on the table beside him, mere centimeters away from crushing Renjun’s neat and color coded notebook. Wordlessly, Renjun closes it and puts down his sandwich, patting Jeno’s head, trying not to get crumbs in his hair but not entirely succeeding.

“What is it?” he asks.

“Jaemin went on a date last night,” he replies, and Renjun tenses for a second.

“I see.” he says. “And how did that go?”

“It was amazing.” Jeno says. “He had a really good time.” Renjun considers that for a second.

“It’ll be okay,” Renjun says, after a moment of silence. “But in the meantime, I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Jeno says, and then feels bad about it. About everything. He wants to be happy for Jaemin. They’re best friends, and he should be so happy that Jaemin has found someone who makes him happy. It’s what Jaemin deserves, and it’s not Jaemin’s fault that Jeno has never said anything to indicate his interest. It’s not like Jaemin did it on purpose to ruin Jeno’s life.

“I hope they’ll be happy together,” Jeno says, and he means it. He sits up in his chair. “Seriously. Jaemin deserves that.” Renjun sighs.

“You’re so nice, Jeno.” he says. “But sometimes you think being nice means staying quiet, and it doesn’t.” And then he’s back to reviewing his notes. Jeno pulls his own notes out of his bag, lays them out in front of himself, tells himself the pity party is over now. There’s nothing to be sad about, really. He’s mourning something that never even happened.

When Jeno was a little kid, he was very quiet. It was partially due to being shy, but also because he didn’t trust himself with his words, didn’t trust himself enough to not hurt anyone. His mom told him to always think before he spoke, and he took that maybe a little too seriously. Sometimes he didn’t end up saying anything at all.

“I’m going out,” Jeno says, putting on his jacket. It’s not too cold outside, but it’s been getting colder and colder out the earlier the sun sets, and Jeno hates this time of the year when the days seem to end before they even really begin, but he can’t stay in his room any longer. These feelings, whatever they are, are starting to eat away at him. He just needs some kind of relief for one night, to get out of his own thoughts for a little bit.

“Where to?” Jaemin says, not looking up from his textbook. His math test is on Monday, and he wants to get at least a B minus. If he’s being honest, it’s not looking very promising. But he’s stubborn.

“I don’t know, some bar,” Jeno says, trying to make the whole thing sound very casual and in character. He doesn’t have to check to know Jaemin is looking at him now, studying forgotten.

“You don’t like drinking,” Jaemin says, matter-of-fact. “You said you don’t like how it makes you feel,” He sounds a bit...something. Worried, maybe. Jeno wishes he could read him better.

“It’s with Jungwoo and Doyoung,” he says. He’s not sure why he’s explaining. Maybe he’s trying to alleviate some of Jaemin’s concern. “They’d never let something happen to me.”

Doyoung and Jungwoo are Jeno’s friends, a couple years older than him, and it’s been a while since he’s seen them if he’s being honest. Doyoung adores Jeno, has always treated him well and always calls him and checks on him and worries about him. So Jeno trusts Doyoung, and he thinks that means Jaemin should, too.

“...Alright,” Jaemin acquiesces, returning to his notes and textbook and tapping buttons on his calculator. It sounds like giving permission, which Jeno finds a little funny, because he doesn’t really need permission. But Jeno can’t help his nature, feels his shoulders relax with Jaemin’s approval. He grabs his key off the counter.

“I shouldn’t be out too late,” he says. “Are you going to be up?”

“Probably,” Jaemin says. “I have a lot of material left to cover. Don’t drink on an empty stomach,” Jaemin warns. Jeno laughs.

“Doyoung would never let me,” he says, and closes the door behind him.

Doyoung jumps out of the booth at the sight of Jeno, a huge grin on his face. Jungwoo trails behind him with a more subdued smile on his face, eyes warm.

“Jeno!” Doyoung all but sings, hugging Jeno tight.

“It’s nice to see you too, hyung,” Jeno giggles. “Um,” he says shyly. “I can’t breathe, hyung.”

Doyoung releases him, and stands back to look at him, to just take him all in.

“You’re so tall now,” Doyoung says, and his eyes are so fond it almost hurts Jeno to take in their intensity. Jeno laughs quietly.

“Not as tall as Jisung,” he says.

“That kid,” Doyoung sighs. “He’s a skyscraper. He’s an outlier. Don’t compare yourself to him!”

“He doesn’t make any biological sense. He’s some kind of unexplained phenomenon,” Jungwoo quips from beside Doyoung.

“Jungwoo hyung!” Jeno says, voice high, snuggling into Jungwoo’s arms.

“How have you guys been?” Jeno asks, and realizes they’re all still standing. “Let’s sit,”

They sit with Jeno on one side and the other two on the opposite side so they can see each other. Doyoung talks about his office job and his annoying coworkers who are named Yuta, Taeyong, and Ten, apparently.

“If Donghyuk gets the internship there that he’s had his eye on I might actually go crazy,” Doyoung says. “I can’t handle all four of them at the same time,”

“You have a coworker named Ten?” Jeno asks. He’s still stuck on that.

“His real name is something else that’s long and hard to say. He’s from Thailand and he says they don’t call each other their real names over there. Like they all call each other by nicknames usually. I don't know. I try not to listen to him if I can avoid it.” Jeno nods in understanding.

“That sure sounds hard to deal with,” Doyoung takes a sip of his drink.

“It can be, but it’s not that bad I guess. I mean, the work is manageable, the pay is okay, and I don’t hate all my coworkers, though I know I make it sound like I do,” Doyoung laughs.

“Yet you’re here drinking away the pain,” Jungwoo says, smirking. Doyoung gives him a look.

“Just unwinding on a weekend and visiting my angel,” Doyoung defends, referring to Jeno. He turns to look at him, puts a hand on Jeno’s from across the table. Jeno doesn’t feel like much of an angel at all. Maybe one with its halo gone a little crooked, its heavenly glow gone a bit dim.

“But enough about me. How have you been?” he asks sweetly, and then that gives Jeno a decision to make. He can be honest, tell Doyoung and Jungwoo everything that’s bothering him, because he hates lying to them. Or, he can suffer quietly and just gloss over everything that’s making him sick, let them have the lighthearted outing they were probably expecting. Doyoung worries enough as is, has enough stress on his own.

“I’ve been good,” he says, a little too fast. “You know, classes are going fine for the most part. Jaemin is a nice roommate, that’s been good...Dance practice has been good...Everything’s just...good. Really good!” he says again, for emphasis. He hopes his hand shaking is just his imagination. For some reason, Jungwoo leans forward.

“If something is bothering you, you don’t have to pretend for our sake,” he says, too astute. It makes Jeno feel stupid, like he’s been way too obvious this whole time. Stupid for even trying to fool them, fool himself. Jeno realizes belatedly that he probably could have played that off with a laugh, a “What are you saying, hyung? I’m not pretending,” but his expression has already given him away. He can see Doyoung’s furrowed brows.

“I’m okay, really.” he says. “College is just stressful.” he smiles. “You know that, I send you the memes about it,”

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to. Just know that we’re always, always here to listen if you need us, okay? I’ll let you off easy tonight,” Doyoung says. “But if you’re still stressed out next time we meet up then you need to tell me all about it, okay? Now, cheers,” he says, raising his glass, and all three of them drink.

It takes Jeno several tries to get the key in the lock. Actually, he never manages to get it in or unlock the door, because Jaemin opens it for him.

Doyoung offered to walk him to the door, but he was worried that Jaemin smoked and Doyoung would be able to smell it, and it’s like a bit of a secret he wants to keep. It’s just something he doesn’t want Doyoung finding out about. It’s 1:30 AM, not too late, and Jaemin still has all his stuff spread out on the kitchen table, a fresh cup of coffee next to his textbook.

“Sounded like you were having trouble. How was it?” Jaemin asks, as Jeno clumsily removes his own jacket and puts it on the rack haphazardly. The question feels like some kind of test, like Jaemin is assessing his drunkenness level.

“It was good,” Jeno mumbles.

“Jeno, look at me.” Jaemin says, and Jeno does it immediately, doesn’t have to think about it. Jaemin looks at his face, considers him for a minute. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Not too much. I couldn’t tell you what it was, though. Doyoung ordered everything for me. I just drank it all,” Jeno laughs. Jaemin doesn’t.

“You feel okay, though? Last time you got sick, and you only had like 2 or 3 drinks.” Jeno laughs again.

“I never feel ‘okay’, Jaemin,” he says, giggling, and Jaemin tenses. “You’re always so silly, and pretty, but you knew that.”

“Jeno, what does that mean?” he asks, but Jeno just ignores him.

“Good luck with your studying. I think I’m going to go to sleep.” He walks a few steps and then grows increasingly unsteady, Jaemin racing forward to help him regain balance. He knocks into the corner of the textbook, almost spills his coffee. It doesn’t matter to him in that moment. He doesn’t even look back at the sound, hands steadying Jeno’s shoulders.

“Jeno,” he says, concerned, but Jeno just laughs again.

“When did our floor get so uneven? That’s not safe,” he mutters. “It’s just not safe.”

Jaemin helps him get his jeans off and gets him pajama pants from the closet. It feels so gentle, so secure, his hands on Jaemin’s shoulders for balance as he puts one foot at a time into the soft pant legs as Jaemin holds them up for him, the quiet intimacy of it all. Jeno tears up, sniffs. Jaemin looks at him for too long again. For once Jeno just wants Jaemin to stop looking at him.

“My allergies are acting up,” Jeno says. He never used to lie like this, but things are different now. He feels like a stranger to himself sometimes. He wishes he were an open book again.

“We’re going to talk about this soon,” Jaemin says. “Not tonight, but soon.” He cards his fingers through Jeno’s hair soothingly. “If you need me, I’ll be at the kitchen table. Get some rest,” he says, and then he closes the door behind him. He comes back once with a glass of water and some headache medication and sets it beside Jeno’s bed, on his nightstand, and then Jeno falls asleep before he even realizes it’s going to happen.

Jeno wakes up with a headache that feels like someone is playing bass boosted music inside his brain, and nausea that is almost worse. He feels like he’s on a cruise ship, bobbing on the sea. It hurts to blink.

Jaemin must hear him moving around and groaning because he comes in and opens the curtains.

“How are we feeling today?” he asks as Jeno pulls his blanket over his eyes to avoid the piercing sunlight. Jeno whines.

“Terrible. I think my body is turning inside out. I think I’m dying.”

“What did you eat last night?” Jeno thinks hard. It makes his head throb.

“I don’t know.”

“Did you drink on an empty stomach?” Jaemin asks, accusatory.

“I think so...I wasn’t hungry and the others didn’t eat either. It didn’t seem important at the time,”

“You didn’t eat before you went?”

“I ate lunch...at like 1 with Renjun and Jisung. After that, I…” Jeno pauses, looks up at Jaemin sheepishly.

“You haven’t eaten since 1 o’clock yesterday?” Jaemin all but screams, and Jeno groans, clutching his head.

“I guess not,”

“That’s so bad for you! And then you drank alcohol? Jeno…”

“I’m sorry,” Jeno says from under the blanket.

“Don’t be sorry to me. You’re the one paying the price. I just wish you’d…” He trails off, but Jeno meets his eyes, and he sighs.

“That I’d what?” Jeno asks, not confrontational at all, keeping his voice soft.

“Take better care of yourself. That’s all.”

Before, Jeno did everything he could to take care of himself. He knew going into college that it wasn’t always going to be easy, had heard the horror stories Yuta had told them about energy drinks poured into cups along with shots of espresso, shoveling off-brand instant noodles into your mouth while finishing an essay before a deadline, sleeping for 20 hours straight after finals week, etc. He’d heard it all, and it had scared him.

So he took a multivitamin, drank at least two bottles of water a day, tried to supplement the four days a week that he didn’t have dance practice by working out in the gym so he could keep up on his exercise, and tried to sleep and eat as balanced a diet as one could manage while in college. Jeno was in fact so healthy in comparison to his friends that they were frequently shocked and appalled by his behavior, his one weakness being his tendency to stay up late playing games on his phone.

(“Ugh, I’m so fucking sick of this guy,” Donghyuk whined. “Him and his water, and his vegetables, and his fruit cups. Live a little, Jeno! Eat a french fry!” He said, waving around his own fry that had been thoroughly covered in ketchup.

“I would love to, but I think if I let myself start then I’d never stop,” Jeno had said, and his seriousness and lack of any visible smile had scared Donghyuk into silence.

“I-I’m sorry for saying anything,” he said, and then Jeno smiled and took another bite of his salad.)

So Jeno had been notoriously healthy, and Jaemin had never really had to worry about him before. It was more like the other way around, with Jaemin drinking way too much coffee and making it twice as bad by adding extra espresso shots to the order. Jeno was pretty sure Jaemin was consuming like five times the maximum amount of caffeine someone could have in a day.

(“Jaemin, please drink some water. You’re scaring me.” Jeno whined, as Jaemin took a sip of coffee. Even looking at it made Jeno feel more awake. He had taken a sip of it one time, just to see how it tasted, and it had actually made him shed a tear.

“What’s wrong!” Jaemin had asked, seeing Jeno tear up.

“It’s just so fucking bitter,” he said, and Jaemin had laughed for a good ten minutes while Jeno took the spray nozzle out of the kitchen sink and washed his tongue off.

“I do drink water.” Jaemin said. “There’s ice in this coffee,” Jeno wailed.

“Drink a cup of real, pure, 100%-not-coffee-water or I’ll cry,” he said, because Jaemin hated when he fake cried. He knew it was fake, but it made him feel bad because Jeno was just so good at it.

“That’s too bad,” Jaemin replied, taking a sip. He was trying to stay nonchalant, but Jeno had known him for too long. Jeno sniffled.

“Jaemin,” he said, and saw Jaemin tense. “Please drink some water.”

“Oh, so now you can cry on command? But you couldn’t for that commercial when you were little?”

“Don’t bring those up! I’m going to cry for real!”

“No! Fine, fine,” Jaemin said, getting up and filling up a glass with water. “But I’m chugging it so I get it over as soon as possible.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but chug, Na Jaemin! Chug! Chug! Chug!” Jeno cheered, pumping his fist as Jaemin choked down about 10 fl oz of water. It was dribbling down the sides of his mouth, which was kind of gross, but Jeno was just so delighted to see Jaemin drinking a clear liquid that wasn’t vodka.

Renjun had come in, then. They had gotten a copy of their keys made as soon as they moved in because somehow it just felt important, and given them to Renjun for emergencies. Or just to come in whenever he wanted to and terrorize them, criticize them, and then leave. It depended on the kind of mood he was in.

“What the fuck did I just walk into?” he said, already looking like he wanted to leave. “You guys are such boys,”

“No, we’re not!” Jeno said indignantly. “Jisung is a boy. We?” he said, gesturing to the three of them. “-are men,” he finished. Renjun snorted.

“And what’s wrong with Jisung?” Jaemin said, dabbing at the wet spots of his shirt with a paper towel.

“Oh god, don’t get him started,” Renjun begged.

“I’m sorry!” Jeno said, and Jaemin laughed.)

Eventually, it all gets to be a bit too much for Jeno’s sensitive stomach. Jeno somehow gets up and runs to the bathroom in time, throwing up while Jaemin stands in the doorway, concerned. Jeno could just die of embarrassment. Now the boy he likes is watching him throw up with his face in a toilet, not to mention the sounds he’s making. God, he could really just die.

“Jeno…” he says sympathetically. Jeno just wants him to go, leave him to his own demise to vomit and be embarrassed in peace. When he comes up he has tears streaming down his face, and they’re not just from the facial pressure. Jaemin gets a washcloth and wets it with warm water and wipes Jeno’s face. He wipes his mouth and then flips it around and wipes his eyes and then he sets the cloth down on the floor and sits next to Jeno and just holds him. He’s just holding him and sitting next to him on their bathroom floor at 11 AM, when Jeno has just thrown up after a night of doing everything Jaemin has said not to do. Jeno doesn’t understand why Jaemin is doing this for him, and then he remembers: We’re best friends, aren’t we?

And of course he’d do the same thing for Jaemin. Of course, a million times.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno says. He feels absolutely terrible. The pressure in his face from throwing up has intensified his migraine, his abdominal muscles hurt and his throat is sore. The only thing that feels nice right now is Jaemin’s arms wrapped around him, and his hand rubbing up and down his back soothingly. Jaemin is good at this, at loving people, at loving them better. Jeno feels a fresh round of tears coming on.

“It’s okay,” Jaemin says. “Just listen to me next time so you don’t get sick. It makes me sad seeing you so miserable.” He leans forward and whispers into Jeno’s ear. “You’re eye-smile Jeno!” he jokes, and Jeno wants to laugh, but his body hurts. “Do you still feel sick?” Jaemin asks gently, the way he speaks to Jisung, and Jeno nods.

“Do you think you’re going to throw up again?” Jeno considers that.

“Not if you keep any and all food far, far away from me.” Jaemin laughs. He pats Jeno’s back.

“Okay, let’s get you back to your bed then. I’ll change my clothes. You still need to drink that water. Now you’re even more dehydrated than before. Oh, Jeno,” he sighs, like a stressed out parent who’s just opened up their child’s report card full of failing grades.

Things are okay for a while. They go to class like usual. Jeno stays up too late playing games on his phone and Jaemin also stays up too late watching movies, and then they complain about being tired in the morning together. It’s a routine of theirs. Jaemin smokes his cigarette on the balcony of their apartment and then brushes his teeth, Jeno brushing his right after. They walk to the bus stop. Jaemin goes on a date once in a while the guy he’s been seeing, and Jeno pretends it’s not happening. It’s going really well, all things considered. Who knew ignoring things entirely was such a good coping mechanism? Jeno sure didn’t. He wishes he had known sooner, so he could have ignored more things.

But then, as fate would have it, Donghyuk wants to have a gathering.

“We’ve all been so busy,” he complains. “We hardly get to hang out anymore. And you!” he says, pointing an accusatory finger at Mark, whose mouth is full of sandwich. Trust Donghyuk to attack someone when he can’t defend himself, right after he’s taken a bite and has a full mouth.

“You are never around anymore, Mister Social Butterfly. We are going to hang out and have some drinks and have a good time. And there is nothing you can do about it!”

“I could just...not show up?” Mark says.

“Again. Nothing you can do about it!”

So all five of them are in Renjun’s living room, a bottle in the middle and five shot glasses, a couple wine coolers to counter the taste of pure alcohol in their mouths. They’re at a comfortable level of relaxed drunkenness, just enough to not feel the weight of their stress from school. They’re sitting in a circle, and it’s cozy. It’s been too long since they’ve gotten together and Jeno has missed them. He misses Chenle and Jisung too, but they’re too young for something like this. Jeno would hate to corrupt the (admittedly already corrupted) youth.

“If I saw Park Jisung drinking alcohol, I don’t know what I’d do!” Jaemin says. “I’d smack the cup out of his hand and submerge him in his own beer, and then I’d scrub it off him in the shower. I’d cry for hours.” Jeno and Donghyuk laugh at that, maybe for too long. This Jaemin-Being-Jisung’s-Dad joke has been going on so long that Jeno wouldn’t be surprised if Jaemin genuinely felt like he was Jisung’s biological father.

“I bet Jisung drinks all the time. We just have to pretend we don’t know about it. I mean, he juuls. That’s like halfway there.” Donghyuk says.

“Don’t say that!” Jaemin whines. “Please. I don’t even want to think about it. My lovely, delicate, sweet, baby Jisung at a party with a red solo cup. God, I’m tearing up.” As he’s talking, Jeno pours himself another shot, cringes because he knows it’s going to burn, and takes it. He washes it down with water and then a sip of the wine cooler. Donghyuk pours himself one too, and knocks it back like a champ. Jeno leans his head on Jaemin’s shoulder. He’s getting sleepy and his head feels heavy. Donghyuk leans forward, eyes full of a challenge, and everyone tenses. It's a reflex at this point.

“This is getting boring.” Donghyuk complains.

“Well, what’d you expect when you invited Mark and Jeno?”

“Hey!” Mark protests, but Jeno just laughs.

“Let’s play Truth or Dare.” Donghyuk suggests. Renjun groans.

“Oh, you wanna play Spin The Bottle instead?” Donghyuk jokes. Renjun gags. “That’s what I thought. Okay! Renjun. Truth or dare?” Renjun considers the question for a moment, sips his wine cooler. The flavor is “Fuzzy Navel”, which Jeno thinks is a horrible and unappetizing name for a drink, but apparently it tastes like peaches and orange.

“Dare,” Renjun decides.

“Call Taeyong hyung and curse him out in Chinese.” Renjun takes another sip, contemplating. The drink is a pretty and artificial orange color.

“That’s all I have to do? He won’t know what it means anyways.”

“Exactly,” Donghyuk says, already finding Taeyong in his list of contacts and handing the phone over to Renjun. He presses call and lets it ring. It rings once, twice…

“Donghyuk?” Taeyong questions. “Is everything okay? You never call m-” Taeyong starts to say, but is cut off by Renjun’s sharp line of curse words in Mandarin. Jeno doesn’t know a lot of Mandarin, but whatever Renjun is saying definitely sounds mean. He thinks maybe the tones and his lack of knowledge of the Chinese language are making it sound angrier than it is. He recognizes the word “motherfucker”, purely because Renjun loves to call Jisung that. Jaemin whistles. When Renjun is finished, they all tense, listening. It’s silent, and then there’s scuffling.

“Renjun!” That’s Kun’s voice. They all look at each other. “You cannot speak to a hyung like that! What are you doing? Is this some kind of pr-” Renjun ends the call and they all laugh and laugh until their stomachs hurt. When Jeno moves with his laughter he feels the alcohol in his system, almost falls over. He’s glad they’re sitting. Him and Mark bump into each other. Mark is pretty drunk too, an infamous lightweight.

“God, that was hilarious,” Donghyuk says. “Renjun, pick someone to ask.”

“You,” Renjun says, seeking revenge. He’s gonna be hearing about this from Kun all week.  There’s not many people to choose from anyways. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Donghyuk says, like no question that Renjun asks can possibly scare him. Renjun’s eyes sparkle.

“Have you ever had a crush on any of us?” he asks, and his eyes narrow with a certainty he shouldn’t have. Donghyuk scowls, pours himself a shot and knocks it before answering.

“Yes,” he answers, but he’s bitter about being asked about it at all.

“On who?” Mark asks, out of curiosity. Renjun’s grin is devilish.

“That wasn’t part of the question, dummy. No bonus questions. Wait for your turn.” Donghyuk says. His wine cooler is a pretty shade of blue, much nicer than Renjun’s Fuzzy Navel. Jeno’s is pink. Donghyuk swigs it like it’s whiskey or something.

“Well, I already asked Renjun. I feel like we fucked this up already. Mark? You ask someone. Oh, we definitely fucked this up.”

“Nice going, Renjun,” Jaemin laughs.

“What did I do?” Renjun asks indignantly, even though he definitely fucked it up when he asked Donghyuk instead of passing it to someone else.

“I’ll do it,” Jaemin decides. “Mark, truth or dare?” Mark looks anxious. Jeno knows that feeling well.

“Um...dare!” he decides. Donghyuk rolls his eyes.

“Boring…”

“Two shots in a row,” Jaemin says, nothing crazy. No chaser.

“You’re a cruel man, Na Jaemin,” Mark says, pouring them unsteadily.]

“No booze on my rug!” Renjun yells, which almost startles Mark into spilling it. Very counterproductive of him, if you ask Jeno. He high fives Jaemin for the dare.

Mark takes them, wincing the whole time and making disgusted sounds. A lone tear slides down Mark’s cheek at the burn, a choked breath.

“That fucking sucked, ” he says. “Oh, is it my turn to ask? Jeno.” Jeno perks up at that.

“Mm?” he asks. He’s not really afraid of what Mark will say, because Mark is just like him.

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” he says. There is nothing Jeno fears more than the truth.

“Don’t waste this opportunity, hyung!” Donghyuk cries. “Make it good!”

“Kiss Renjun,” Mark says, half because to him, that’s scandalous, and half so that he can disappoint Donghyuk, which he is very good at doing.

“Come here,” Jeno giggles, gesturing for Renjun to come closer. Renjun has to waddle over on his knees like a penguin. It’s endearing. Jaemin moves the bottles so there’s no accidents , because Renjun cares about his rug way more than any of them.

“You didn’t say where!” Jeno points out, and laughs as he pecks Renjun on the cheek. Jaemin giggles at them, Renjun wiping off his cheek as Donghyuk groans in further disappointment.

“No, no,” Renjun says, like he’s suffering. “We can’t wimp out like that. Just a peck.” he says, and Jeno laughs incredulously, the one that makes almost no sound. Renjun wraps his arms around Jeno’s neck and kisses him as platonically as one possible could, and that seems to placate Donghyuk somewhat, if nothing else. Mark giggles, a drunken fool.

“Cute, you two.” he says. What a hyung. Jeno fondly rolls his eyes.

“Everyone’s gone except Jaemin?” he asks, slurring a bit. Renjun nods, back in his spot. “Truth or dare?” he asks. No one is really anticipating his question. He’s bad at this game. He cares about protecting his friends’ dignity too much. Way more than they care about protecting his, but hey, unity in diversity and all that.

“Truth,” Jaemin says, eyes sparkling. He loves a challenge. Jeno’s eyebrows furrow. he can’t think of a question.

“I can’t think of anything!” he says, frustrated. “Can someone give me one?”

“Do you have a crush on anyone?” Renjun asks, on his behalf. He’s too bold. Jeno feels himself tense. Renjun doesn’t actually care about stuff like this, crushes and boyfriends and dates. He just likes to have material to use when blackmailing people or making fun of them, which is why he leans forward with a devilish smile on his face, as if he’s going to successfully fluster Na Jaemin of all people.

“I have a boyfriend, actually,” Jaemin responds, and Jeno hadn’t known they’d become official. He feels like he’s going to be sick, but he reaches forward instead and pours himself a shot. Nobody notices, too focused on Jaemin and his answer. Jeno takes the shot and it almost doesn’t burn. Almost. He almost gags. Mark’s hand is on his wrist, thumb rubbing calming circles. He knows, how does he always know?

He finishes his wine cooler. Then he’s sipping water, eyelids heavier, and he’s leaning on Mark, on his other side. He can’t lean on Jaemin anymore. It’s like hearing he has a boyfriend put a Do Not Touch sign on his shoulder. Jaemin would be fine with a friend leaning on him, but to Jeno it’s more than that. It’s not right of him.

“A boyfriend?” Donghyuk screeches. “And you didn’t tell us? What’s he like? What’s his name?”

“Seokwon,” Jaemin answers, like he’s proud of it. He probably is. That’s how people normally are when they enter a relationship. Happy and proud and excited. Jeno doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. He almost reaches to pour himself another shot but Renjun catches his eye and he loses the confidence. He feels ashamed for some reason when Renjun looks at him.

“Jeno,” Jaemin asks suddenly, and Jeno must have been zoning out for a while, long enough for most of the second round of Truth or Dare, because when he perks up he says “Yes?” and they all laugh. Jeno didn’t even know they were playing again. Mark doesn’t laugh, his hand still on Jeno’s wrist. Jeno doesn’t understand.

“Truth or dare?” he asks. Jeno is pretty scared of both options.

“Truth,” he says, and he feels anxious, like he’s about to watch a car crash, like the wind is stirring and the sky is turning purple and there’s about to be an awful storm-

“Hm,” Jaemin says. “What’s something you hate about me? There has to be something. We’ve known each other for so long.” Seeing Jeno’s expression, he smiles. “Go on, then. I won’t be mad.” He prompts gently. But no words come out. Jeno stays like that, mouth open because he has no idea where to even begin. The alcohol has made his mind work slowly.

“There must be something. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna get upset,” he says, and Jeno feels his eyes prick with tears.

“I can’t think of anything,” Jeno says, shocked, and he feels all the shots he took hit him all at once. “I can’t think of a single thing,” he says, looking right in Jaemin’s eyes, feeling like he’s been kicked in the chest, because he loves Jaemin so much and now Jaemin has a boyfriend and Jaemin is asking him to say one thing he doesn’t like about him after years and years of knowing him and Jeno can’t think of a single thing about Jaemin that he doesn’t adore. It’s hard to breathe.

“Maybe we should stop playing,” Mark says, voice coming out awkward, like he wants them to know he’s serious and also wants to pass it off as a throwaway comment, and Mark might be wasted but he’s never too wasted to look out for a friend, and Jeno is showing all his emotions on his face again, humiliated, like he’s 14 all over again and Mark is thumbing away his tears as they fall.

Truthfully, before the last two weeks, Jeno hated drinking. He had only been drunk once before, and it had been a miserable experience. But this, the way everything got blurry around the edges, he had started to like it. Even with the horrible hangover he had last time, it was nice for a couple of hours to just have his pain and anxiety hum lowly in the background. When he was sober and thought about it for too long it made him uncomfortable, but it was just too much to sit there and listen to how happy and in love Jaemin was when Jeno was just as in love and hurting right next to him.

Jeno can’t tell if Renjun moves it along because he notices or just because it’s getting too quiet, but then everyone is distracted again. Jeno’s eyes don’t come back into focus, and maybe he was on the brink of a humiliating anxiety attack. Maybe he would have lost it if everyone kept staring at him. The others set up a movie, one they’ve seen a million times, so there’s no need to pay attention. Jeno hasn’t registered even one scene.

Mark taps his shoulder, his voice low and soft while he asks if Jeno is okay. He shakes his head. He wants to disappear. He wonders if they all think poorly of him now for drinking so much. He thinks Jaemin looks really pretty in the soft lighting of the room. His mouth tastes sweet from the wine cooler, but his throat is tight and painful from trying not to cry. He feels his eyelids flutter shut, and he collides with something that’s probably Mark’s chest. It’s warm. He’s so sleepy and it’s warm and then he-

There’s a hand in his hair, and it’s comforting and relaxing. Mark is still asleep beside him. When Jeno turns in the direction of the hand and opens his eyes, Jaemin is there, laying next to him in bed under the covers. He startles, and Jaemin is just giving him this sad smile.

“Good morning, Jeno,” he says softly, and Jeno has nothing to say. Jaemin’s hand is on his back now. Jeno hides his face in the pillow. He wants to pretend Jaemin isn’t there, snuggle back into Mark.

“Things are getting bad, huh?” he asks, and that makes Jeno look up. What the fuck? he thinks. What a strange and astute thing to say, too true. Jaemin knows too much.

“What?” he says.

“You. You’re not doing well.” Jaemin says. His hand stops rubbing Jeno’s back. “You forget to eat, you don’t sleep enough...You don’t drink like this, Jeno. What you’re doing isn’t good for you. I promise whatever is bothering you won’t go away on its own, and drinking won’t fix it.”

It’s funny, Jeno thinks, that Jaemin is saying all of this and he’s absolutely right. He’s right because Jeno’s biggest problem is Jaemin who is currently laying next to him in bed, and Jeno can’t escape. He couldn’t even make himself leave if he wanted to, because he would never want to hurt Jaemin like that.

“You keep hurting me,” Jeno says, and he’s crying. He can’t stop. His chest burns, everything burns. “You keep hurting me but you don’t mean to. So it shouldn’t hurt, right? It shouldn’t hurt. Why does it hurt?” Fuck. He didn’t mean to say that. Why’d he say that? He tenses.

“What’s that mean, baby?” Jaemin coos. “You want to talk about it?” Jaemin asks, and he’s so nice. Too nice. Jeno doesn’t deserve him. He can’t get the words out, so he just shakes his head. Jaemin’s hand has gone back to rubbing his back. “Well whatever it is, we’re going to get you through it, okay? Now drink this water and get some more rest,” he says, handing Jeno a cup. Jeno does. He drinks it and falls back asleep.

When he wakes up Jaemin isn’t there. He wants to ask if it was a dream, but it’s not the sort of thing you ask. He’s too scared to know the answer.

“He had to go meet his boyfriend at the library,” Renjun says, without Jeno even needing to ask.

Donghyuk had gone home, too. Mark was in the shower, the sound of the water running unmistakable.

Renjun, drinking a steaming mug of chamomile tea, gestures for Jeno to sit down across from him.

“You need to get ahold of yourself.” Renjun says, stirring a bit of sugar into his tea. It stings a little, but that’s the charm of being Renjun’s friend..

“Listen, it’s like this,” Renjun had said once. “Let’s say you need to get up for your 8 AM class. Someone else, they might gently shake you awake, and then they’ll give up on you and let you sleep. Me? I’ll call your name once. If you’re still asleep, I’ll slap you until you wake up. You’ll get to that class. Who’s the better friend here?” he said, and everyone had stared at him. “That’s what I thought.”

“You’re not the kind of person that goes out drinking every night. You aren’t, and you shouldn’t try to be either. I know, this is what? Only the second time this has happened? But this isn’t good for you. It’s not good for Jaemin, either. He worries, you know? You guys are best friends. He cares about you. None of us like seeing you do this to yourself, okay?” Renjun takes the moment to make eye contact with Jeno when he says the next part, and that’s what sticks with Jeno the most. “And I don’t like seeing you do this to yourself.” He’s quiet for a moment, holds the eye contact just briefly before looking back down at his tea.

“So get a grip,” he says. “Or I will kick. Your. Ass.” he finishes. He smiles, holds his fingers up in an ‘okay’ sign. “Got it?” Jeno nods.

“Understood. But can I just ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Did Jaemin come into the spare room when I was sleeping earlier? I can’t tell if I dreamed it.” Renjun thinks for a second.

“I’m not sure.” he says apologetically. “I wish I knew.”

“That’s okay,” Jeno says, anxiety gnawing at his stomach. He hears the water stop in the bathroom, and Mark comes out in a change of clothes he brought with him last night. Always prepared, that Mark hyung.

“Sorry to just use your shower and leave,” Mark says apologetically. “But I have a project to get done. Thanks for everything, Renjun. Bye, Jeno!” Mark says cheerfully, and leaves.

“No problem,” Renjun says, when Mark might already be out of earshot. He looks back up at Jeno.

“Now go take a shower or throw up or whatever you need to do to feel better. Use my fancy body wash. Get it the fuck together. Jaemin has a boyfriend now. That’s okay! It’s all okay. You can get over him. I know you don’t want to right now, but you will. If you get vomit on my shower mat, I will make you bleed.” Renjun says as Jeno walks away, like he’s coaching him. He sort of is, Jeno thinks. He turns on the hot water and steps into the stream.

It would be so easy to self destruct, Jeno thinks. It’d be so easy to enter a downward spiral of drinking and waking up sick and missing class while he recovers and not thinking about his pain or Jaemin and just dancing and staying out late. It’d be so fucking easy.

But that’s just not the kind of person Jeno is.

Jeno starts making himself busy. He sits at the desk in his room in a big shirt with his glasses on and starts making a schedule for himself. He schedules all the time that was previously free time as study time, makes plans to meet up with Renjun and Mark in study groups. He sleeps early, stays a little longer at dance practice to make up for the weeks when he was learning but wasn’t entirely mentally present.

He just basically doesn’t give himself time to feel anything, and he doesn’t see Jaemin either. He’s never home and when he is he’s back in his room studying until he starts nodding off over his notes. The funny part is he doesn’t want to stop, because his teachers give him so much praise and the grades he gets back are outstanding and to be honest, he’s missed spending time with his friends. It feels good to wake up and have a purpose. It feels good to get good results back for hard work. Both to himself and to others, Jeno seems to be doing exceptionally well in every way. It’s impressive honestly.

Jaemin and Jeno don’t see each other often. Jaemin goes out on dates and has class and can’t focus unless he sits at this one corner of the library with his overly caffeinated beverage of choice and music blasting in his AirPods, so he isn’t home much. They keep missing each other, and for the first time since they’ve moved in together it really just feels like they’re just two strangers sharing a living space.

And Jeno is like a ghost, hardly any signs of living at all. No mess to speak of.

“Jeno,” Jaemin calls sweetly one day while Jeno is typing an essay, the keys on his keyboard clicking loudly and his gaze focused on the screen.

“Mm?” he hums. Jaemin comes and sits on the bed next to him.

“Could Seokwon come over for a bit? In like half an hour? I’m going to make that bibimbap you like so much.” He’s half singing the words as he says them, which means he really wants Jeno to agree. Jeno has no reason to refuse, and that would be rude anyways. He doesn’t really want to see Seokwon or interact with him, though. He would never be mean to him, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt just a bit.

“Of course he can. I’m going to be busy, though. Tell him that so he doesn’t think I’m a jerk,” Jeno says, and Jaemin laughs, but it sounds a bit fake.

“Always so busy. Our busy, busy Jeno. I will. Are you going to eat what I make?”

“If that’s okay with you. You can just make enough for the two of you if you want. I can figure something out.”

“I insist,” Jaemin says, and sounds like he means it. “I never see you anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeno says. He wonders if Jaemin can feel everything that’s behind it. “I just have so much work to do,”

“I know,” He looks sad, but he’s smiling. “Just give yourself a break every now and then, okay? I miss my best friend.” Jeno stops his typing for a moment, staring through the screen.

“I miss you too, Jaemin,” he says, and then Jaemin says “Seokwon will be here in like thirty minutes.” and he heads into the kitchen.

Jeno loses himself in finishing his essay and his math homework and then just as he’s typing something into a calculator, there’s a knock on his door, and Jaemin opens it slowly, sticking his head in the room with a cautious smile.

“Jeno, Seokwon is here.” he says, and Jeno shuts his laptop.

“Hi,” he says, giving a weak wave. He feels self conscious suddenly. He’s in sweatpants and a black t shirt and he has his glasses on that Renjun says make him look like a knock off of Harry Potter. (They’re not even round! he whines. It doesn’t matter, Renjun says.) Jeno hasn’t even done anything with his hair.

Seokwon is handsome. It’s really that simple. He’s handsome and friendly and him and Jaemin make a good couple. Jeno suddenly regrets not asking Jaemin more about their relationship, about what kind of person Seokwon is and how he feels about him. He realizes just a bit too late what a bad friend he’s been, and Jaemin still called him his best friend when he talked to him before Seokwon came earlier. He wants to cry.

“Jeno?” Jaemin calls, pulling Jeno out of his thoughts.

“Sorry, sorry. Got distracted. What were you saying?”

“Would you like to maybe do your work out in the living room? We won’t distract you too much. I just want to see you even if you’re just sitting there, you know?” Jaemin turns to Seokwon.

“He’s been a very, very diligent student.” Jaemin explains. “He’s always out studying or working. Even when he’s home he’s studying or writing a paper for one of his classes. I need to be more like him,” Jaemin laughs then, and Seokwon smiles.

“Me too. My grade in Psych isn’t looking too good.”

“Our friend Renjun has an A in Psych right now,” Jeno says. “He could probably tutor you.”

“It’s not that I don’t understand the material,” Seokwon says. “It’s that I’m not even setting aside the time to study it at all.”

“Oh,” Jeno says. “May finals week be kind to you.” Seokwon laughs, then. Jaemin looks happy about it, like he’s been waiting for them to give their approval of each other.

“So, the living room?” Jaemin asks, and Jeno nods. He gathers his stack of books and his laptop and charger and pens and calculator and follows Jaemin and Seokwon into the living room while Jaemin walks across to the kitchen section of the apartment and starts cutting up ingredients. It feels like old times, domestic and cozy, back when Jeno would come into Jaemin’s room in the morning and snuggle him and whine about being hungry until Jaemin got up and made him food. Everything is so different now. Jeno couldn’t possibly do that now.

“Wow,” Seokwon laughs. “You’re actually doing the work you said you were going to do.” Jeno feels a weird mix of emotions in response to that, predominantly annoyance. Jaemin looks up with a weird expression on his face, one that Jeno can’t read. Jeno tries to be polite.

“Oh,” he fake laughs. “Yeah. It’s just really important to me, you know?” Bullet dodged, as Seokwon nods and the conversation dies out.

Jeno finishes his math homework and the works cited page for one of his essays and responds to a class discussion on Blackboard and he’s about to start looking at his Bio notes when he hears Jaemin hiss and curse and immediately stands up to see what’s wrong.

Jaemin has nicked his finger. Jeno goes over to their closet and digs out the first aid kit that Doyoung made him buy and gets out a bandage, already unwrapping it.

“Wash your hand,” Jeno says, and Jaemin grumbles as the water hits it and makes it sting. Jaemin dries it off and holds up his finger for Jeno to wrap the bandage around it. When he’s finished, Jaemin continues to stare at him. Jeno blinks.

“What is it?” he asks. Jaemin smiles.

“You’re not going to kiss my booboo and make it all better?” he asks, and Jeno laughs. It’s a nervous puff of air, partially because he’s been trying to keep his distance for so long and because Seokwon, Jaemin’s literal boyfriend, is sitting right there watching the whole thing go down.

“Jaemin,” Jeno laughs nervously. It kind of sounds like he’s panting. “That’s-”

“Give it a kiss!” Jaemin says, laughing, and Jeno grabs his finger and just gives it the briefest peck ever, just to shut Jaemin up and get it over with. He wants Seokwon to stop looking at him.

“Thank you, Jeno. Now it doesn’t hurt at all,” he says in a cutesy voice. And that’s Jaemin. That’s the guy he fell in love with, and Jaemin is standing right next to him, but he misses him.

“I’m going to finish studying in my room,” Jeno says. He needs to get away from him. “Call me when dinner is done, okay? And be careful.”

Jeno realizes only when he gets back into his room and is halfway through the chapter of his Bio textbook that Seokwon didn’t say anything when Jaemin cut his finger. He didn’t even ask if he was okay, and yeah, it was just a tiny little cut, but what if it hadn’t been? He tries to ignore it, chalk it up to jealousy. It’s an ugly feeling, one he doesn’t really want to acknowledge.

If anything, Jeno grows more distant after that night, like being around Jaemin is a dangerous, dangerous thing, like he will go up in flame if Jaemin looks at him, or maybe Jaemin will see through him, like an aquarium window, and all the things that swim around inside of him better off in the dark.

“Jeno,” Jaemin says one day just as he’s about to head out, grabbing his wrist. Shit, he wasn’t quick enough. He miscalculated. “ I just feel like we’re getting distant. I know I have a boyfriend now but don’t feel like I care about him more than you. I’ve known you forever. You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to feel like a third wheel or like you’re coming between us. You get priority,” he says, holding Jeno’s hand. “You were here first. Let’s not grow apart. Okay?” he asks, and Jeno nods. He’s holding back tears.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno says. Jaemin tilts his head, confused.

“For what, Jeno?”

“For not being around, for not asking about your boyfriend and how you’re doing and stuff. I haven’t been a good friend.”

“Jeno, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re busy! College is hard. Plus I know it can be annoying to hear someone talk about their boyfriend all day long. I’m not really that kind of person anyways, you know? Oh, no. Jeno, why are you crying?”

“I just feel bad,” Jeno says, rubbing his eyes, sniffling and trying to will them to dry up. He feels like a child. How did he make himself the victim in this situation? He didn’t mean to. He never meant to. He’s so embarrassed. Jaemin has seen so many bad sides of him the last few months. Jaemin probably hates him now, all because he was selfish and distancing himself and sad because he loves Jaemin. Can he really say he loves him when he treats him like this?

“Hey,” Jaemin says, pulling him into a hug. “It’s okay. It’s really okay.” And Jeno feels lonely even with Jaemin’s arms around him, like he’s not really there.

“We’ll work on it,” Jaemin says. “Things will get better.” He sounds so sure of himself. Jeno wishes he could feel the same way.

It’s the next day that Jeno decides it’s really, really time to get over Jaemin. Renjun says he should find someone else, try to meet someone. It’s not good for him anymore. It’s a childhood crush that got out of hand. It’s a wound that needs treatment. It’s like that time Jeno was dogsitting for Chenle and the dog ran out of the door the second he opened it and he had to chase him for 15 minutes straight all over the yard, panicking and terrified a car would come and hit the dog and it would be all his fault.

Jeno just hopes he can catch what he’s chasing this time.

Mark tells him if he’s interested there’s going to be a huge party this Friday night with free booze and entertainment and a 10,000 won entrance fee. And Jeno thinks he can afford to blow some money on that. Mark smiles at him, tells him all sorts of upperclassmen are going to be there. He says it’s like that every year, an absolute rager. Jeno has only been to one college party during freshman week and it was, according to Jaehyun, one of the tamest parties Jaehyun had ever had the displeasure of attending. So Jeno wasn’t sure what he was getting into, but he had already made his mind up about it, so now he had to go or he’d be disappointing himself.

So he goes, and true to the classmate’s words, there’s tons of people here, tons of alcohol, and people smoking weed somewhere because Jeno can smell it and it makes him miss Jaemin. Everything makes him miss Jaemin. He wonders if Jaemin is out on the balcony right now, smoking that night time cigarette, the moonlight shining on the smoke as it curls and disperses and highlighting his side profile, making his skin glow.

He has a couple drinks. He’s trying to be careful now after his talk with Renjun, but the only person he knows there is Mark and he gets bored quick when Mark goes off to say hi to some friends real quick, muttering apologetically. It’s not his fault he has such a flourishing social life.

All by himself, the party is somehow more lonely than being alone and Jeno finds himself sitting outside. He has his head in his hands just feeling how the alcohol makes his head swirl and how much he wishes he could get over Jaemin, and he’s maybe crying a little. Just a little.

He’s a little drunk, staring at the grass, when he hears someone approaching him and turns around.

“Jeno?” A guy Jeno knows only though friends of friends asks. It’s Yukhei. He’s laughing, not unkindly, eyes full of a youthful joy that Jeno sometimes fears his own eyes have lost over the last few months. “Jeno Lee? At the biggest party of the year? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Jeno’s eyes are huge with surprise because he wasn’t expecting Yukhei of all people to be the person who came up to him, let alone start a conversation with him, look happy to see him. He didn’t even know Yukhei was going. He didn’t even know Yukhei went to parties.

“Hey, hyung. I didn’t tell anybody I was coming, but then I didn’t know anyone here and it’s hard for me to just go up to random people. I’ve always been sort of shy. I came here with Mark, but I lost him. He knows everybody here.” Jeno laughs. He knows how pathetic he seems out here at this party full of hundreds of potential partners, but Jeno doesn’t care about any of them.

“Well, I wish you had told me. We could have stuck together, but…” Yukhei glances over Jeno. “You don’t look like you’re having too much fun. I bet you wanna leave, huh?” he looks at him sympathetically. Jeno shrugs.

“It’s okay. I don’t wanna give up on it yet. It feels like I haven’t even give it a chance?” Yukhei grins.

“That’s the spirit. Well, listen. I’m a party guy, you know? I’m nice!” Yukhei clarifies, suddenly serious, which makes Jeno laugh. “But I know my way around a party. Want me to show you a good time? You’re not even really experiencing the party out here. Come on,” he says, and helps Jeno up with a big, rough hand. He leads Jeno to the center of the floor before he can even really protest. He finds he doesn’t want to.

“Have you had anything to drink?” he asks.

“Just a couple, but they weren’t strong.” Jeno says. Yukhei laughs.

“That’s your first mistake,” Yukhei says. “Nobody in their right mind can really have a good time at these parties. I mean, probably don’t get incredibly fucked up, but just a little tipsy? That’s no good,” he says.

Yukhei walks over to the table with all the liquor on it and starts pouring shit together like a mad scientist or something, and Jeno has a bad feeling about how this is going to taste, but he can’t possibly turn Yukhei down after how sweet he’s been.

“Give this a shot,” Yukhei laughs, handing it to him. Jeno can smell the alcohol, and winces.

“Oh,” he says, and Yukhei wheezes.

“We don’t drink for taste now, do we?” What a guy thing to say. Jeno has to agree. “It’ll do the trick, in any case.” he says.

“Are you gonna have one?” Jeno asks, gesturing to Yukhei with the cup. He takes big gulps of it so he can get it over with, because it tastes like floor cleaner and he’s not entirely sure this drink isn’t a military grade weapon. His eyes are watering.

“I had a bit already. I’m just a very composed drunk. Experience, you know? I’ll have this beer though so you don’t feel lonely.” Yukhei says, reaching into a cooler and pulling the tab as it hisses. Jeno hates beer, winces at the mere thought of drinking it. Not that this tastes much better , he thinks.

They just drink and chat. Yukhei is sweet, and he’s funny, and now when Jeno really looks at his eyes he can see that Yukhei is drunk, his eyes hazy and his features relaxed. Any way Jeno looks at him, he seems kind, so Jeno laughs and smiles back at him.

“Hey,” Yukhei says, after a couple of minutes. “Would you maybe wanna go to my car with me?” Jeno tilts his head in confusion, feels the alcohol hitting him.

“For what?” Jeno asks, naive. Yukhei laughs.

“You’re too cute. I think I have to just ask: Do you wanna make out with me in my car?” Jeno laughs. Stuff like this doesn’t happen to him, it just happens to people in movies and to his friends and stuff. Not to him.

“Why specifically the car?” he asks, cracking himself up. Yukhei laughs along with him, and oh that. That never happens to Jeno.

“Privacy,” Yukhei explains easily. “Unless you’re into like, being watched. Nobody’s watching though anyways because they’re all busy making out. So the car wins again. Wanna?” Yukhei asks, offering his arm to escort Jeno like a real gentleman. Jeno shrugs. It still doesn’t feel real to him. He finishes his drink in two gulps and sets the empty cup down on the table, walking to Yukhei’s car.

It’s black and...sexy. If that makes sense. If a car can be sexy. It smells new and Jeno is surprised Yukhei is willing to risk it getting damaged by making out with him in it. He still can’t believe this is happening. He’s waiting for the hypnotist to snap so he can open his eyes and wake up.

“How do you wanna do this?” Yukhei asks. “It’s funny, normally I don’t have to ask but...You’re different. Oh, I have an idea. Here, I’m gonna lay down. You just crawl into my lap, okay?” Yukhei crawls in the backseat, clearly cramped.

There’s no way the door can be closed with both of them inside, but it’s still more private than making out in front of everyone at the party. Yukhei slithers a bit, trying to get in a comfortable position, and then pats his lap. God, I’m really doing this, Jeno thinks, laughing as he crawls over Yukhei. Yukhei laughs too, and hugs him close.

“It’s ridiculous, right?” he asks. “If you really think about it, what it must look like from the outside.” They stop laughing after a moment, make eye contact, and Yukhei puts a large hand on each side of Jeno’s face and kisses him with his nice, full lips. It’s a sweet kiss, sweeter than Jeno expected to get in a sexy black car while drunk and on top of a guy he just met. Jeno giggles as he pulls away, Yukhei giggling with him.

“Hey,” Yukhei says. “The second I do something you don’t like, or you wanna stop...Just let me know, okay?” That makes something warm and exciting settle in Jeno’s stomach. The feeling of being cared for, and Yukhei is so attractive. So hot , if Jeno will let himself think it. It’s a foreign idea to him. All of this is. Jeno nods, and Yukhei smiles.

“Okay,” he nearly whispers. He kisses Jeno’s mouth and rolls his bottom lip between his teeth and kisses down the side of his mouth to his chin and then to his jaw and Jeno tilts his head back and just accepts it, Yukhei sucking on his throat and then the side of his neck and dragging teeth and sucking marks into it. Jeno knows everyone will see them, but he can’t make himself care. Yukhei’s hands come to settle at his lower back, and Jeno relaxes into Yukhei’s touch. Yukhei comes back to his mouth and Jeno doesn’t have much kissing experience, just his peck with Renjun and this girl from 6th grade that came up to him, kissed him, and ran away. He moves forward hesitantly.

“Relax,” Yukhei suggests. “We’re both drunk. It won’t be perfect anyway. Just go for it,” he laughs, and Jeno does. He moves forward and connects their mouths and Yukhei’s hands slide up under his shirt at the waist and his thumbs slide back and forth across Jeno’s back. Yukhei leads the kiss anyway. Jeno leaves hesitant kisses on Yukhei’s neck, and Yukhei must find them cute, or they tickle, because he’s laughing, and then Jeno is laughing into his skin too. Is it always supposed to be like this? Is love supposed to be so easy? Loving Jaemin only gives him pain. But what would he do without all that pain? What would he focus on?

Yukhei tells Jeno to get up, and they switch spots, Jeno caged in by Yukhei’s much large body and he can’t escape Yukhei’s mouth on his neck, not that he wants to. Yukhei is leaving a trail of hickeys down Jeno’s neck and on his collarbone, just really going to town, when Jeno’s phone rings.

“Oh, shit. Shit, my phone, Yukhei. I gotta answer it.” Yukhei sits up and allows Jeno room to search for it, and Jeno answers hurriedly.

“Hello?” he slurs.

“Dude, where are you?” Mark asks. “I can’t find you. Are you okay?” Jeno makes eye contact with Yukhei, who can hear Mark, and giggles.

“Yeah. yeah, I’m fine. Where are you?”

“At the table with all the liquor. You know the one. Hey, are you with someone? I hear laughing.” Jeno raises an eyebrow at Yukhei, who takes the phone.

“Hey, Mark. It’s Yukhei! We’ll come meet you there,” he laughs, and Mark laughs.

“Yukhei? Oh, man. Alright, I’ll see you guys in a minute.”

“Sorry,” Jeno says, hanging up and putting the phone in his pocket. “I gotta cut this short.”

“It’s fine,” Yukhei says. “It was fun anyway. You’re really nice, Jeno. Really nice. Can I have your number?” he asks, and Jeno blushes. Funny, how they were just making out in Yukhei’s sexy black car and this makes him blush.

“Oh, yeah.” Jeno says, getting his phone back out and unlocking it, handing it to Yukhei. Yukhei types in his contact name as “Xuxi” with the smiling devil emoji, and Jeno laughs when he sees it. Yukhei adds Jeno as “Jeno Lee” with the angel emoji. Jeno laughs at its smile and halo, that Yukhei had him pinned in the backseat and still sees that in him. He loves that. He wishes that’s all anybody ever saw.

“To the table!” Yukhei says, and grabs Jeno’s hand, leading him there. Jeno giggles and sways the whole way there, Yukhei’s hand on his waist to steady him. It gives him deja vu.

“Hey, hyung.” Jeno says, and Mark’s eyes immediately go to the red marks all over his collarbone and neck. He whistles.

“I see you met Yukhei,” Mark says, and laughs hard enough to bend over. “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Like, at all. Jesus, Jeno. Jesus, Yukhei. ” Jeno is embarrassed now, but Yukhei bats Jeno’s hands away from his own face.

“Nothing to be ashamed of,” he laughs. “It’s just the college experience, baby.” Jeno can’t deal with this. He can’t. Mark laughs harder at him.

“Hey, man,” Mark says to Yukhei. “We’ve gotta get going. Nice seeing you. Thanks for, uh, taking care of my friend here.” Mark waggles his eyebrows at Jeno’s. He needs to never do that again. Jeno never needed to see that.

“My pleasure,” Yukhei says, and is bold enough to kiss Jeno real quick, smiling at him as Jeno is still dazed. “Text me,” he says, and Mark leads Jeno away, who has forgotten how to move or blink.

It turns out Mark didn’t actually have anything to drink, so he drives Jeno home, laughing the whole time about how scandalous Jeno’s night was. Jeno can’t help but laugh too, because him? Lee Jeno making out with a hot, older guy at a party? He can hardly believe it himself.

“Dude, your neck looks like a vampire attacked you. How are you gonna hide those? Order a bunch of turtlenecks?” Mark is having way too much fun with this. Jeno thinks he should pay more attention to driving.

“Are you feeling a little better about the whole Jaemin thing?” Mark asks, after a few minutes of driving in the nighttime silence. It’s always then when the tender questions get asked, but Jeno is really drunk, so it’s not as bad.

“It’s easy to say when I’m not around him, right? I feel okay for now. I met his boyfriend, though. And I’m not saying this because I’m in love with him or whatever but I didn’t really like him. Like, he doesn’t seem to care about Jaemin at all. It’s okay if you don’t believe me though. I know I seem biased.” Mark laughs.

“No, I can’t see you lying about something like that. Well, that sucks. Is he at least handsome?”

“He’s okay . Can’t compare to Jaemin, though. How embarrassing for him.” Mark smiles, like he’s missed talking to Jeno like this.

“Did you have fun tonight?” he asks, about to pull up to the apartment complex parking lot.

“Yeah,” Jeno says, soft and quiet. “Thank you for bringing me,” he says, like it’s a secret. Mark’s smile is soft and real and makes his heart hurt a little bit.

“I’m just glad you had a good time. I’ve missed seeing you laugh, Jeno.” he says, and oh. Ouch.

“Do you need me to walk you to the door?” Mark offers, knowing that Jeno is drunk and there’s going to be stairs. Jeno is appreciative and touched, but this feels like a walk Jeno needs to have by himself, a little journey.

“No, I’ll be okay. Thank you, though. Can I, um, hug you though? I’ll walk around and hug you on your side.”

“Of course,” Mark says, and opens the door so Jeno can reach in. The hug is nice. Mark feels...like a friend. He is a friend.

“Be careful up those steps,” he warns. “I’ll hate myself forever if you get hurt.”

“I’ll take the elevator,” Jeno promises. “Text me when you get home” Jeno requests.

“You got it,” Mark says, and puts the car back in drive. “Goodnight, Jeno.” This lingering goodbye, it makes Jeno want to cry.

“Goodnight, hyung,” he says, and walks into the apartment building, into the elevator, pressing the button for the third floor, and unlocks their door, entering as quietly as he can. He brushes his teeth and changes into pajamas and goes to sleep feeling a sense of peace in his heart, like maybe things will get better now.

Jaemin doesn’t get out of bed until 3 PM, which Jeno finds alarming, but it is Saturday, so maybe Jaemin just needed the extra sleep or time to relax. Jeno is staring hopelessly at their empty cupboards and fridge when Jaemin walks into the kitchen with swollen eyes.

“Hey,” he says, already reaching to start coffee. It’s like their morning routine just moved forward many, many hours.

“Hey,” Jeno says, forgetting his pajama shirt that he still has on has a low neck and he is covered in marks and bruises and teeth marks. Jaemin turns around to fill the coffee maker with water and catches sight of his neck and gasps.

“Holy shit,” he says, expression unreadable, and oh god, this could not be more embarrassing. Jeno feels...ashamed, but he doesn’t really owe Jaemin this, not his body. “Who did that to you? When did- When did that even happen?” he asks, and maybe Jeno was a fool to think Jaemin wouldn’t really care about it.

“I went to a party with Mark hyung last night,” he says, already sheepish, and Jaemin makes a hmph! sound as the coffee maker drips coffee into the pitcher.

“You go to parties now?” It sounds sort of...hostile? Or Jeno is reading him wrong.

“Not really, but I thought I’d give it a shot because you know, I’m a huge nerd who never does anything but schoolwork. Anyways, this was all Yukhei. Do you know him? He’s Mark’s friend.” Jaemin gives him a look.

“Yeah, I know him. I have a class with him three times a week, but you clearly know him a lot better than I do.” Jaemin laughs as he pours the coffee into his mug, but it doesn’t sound like the kind of laugh Jeno is supposed to join in on.

“I was gonna tell you something but, nevermind.” Jaemin says. He sounds bitter, like the black coffee he’s about to drink.

“Jaemin…” Jeno says, sounding small and sad, but Jaemin just puts up a hand to stop him.

“I said nevermind,” he says, and takes the coffee with him into his room, shutting the door behind him.

Jeno stands there feeling stupid and sad and guilty , like he wishes he could wash the hickeys off his skin. He takes a shower anyway, like that’s going to help, but of course they’re still there as he towels off his hair. Damn Yukhei, he thinks to himself, knowing it’s not Yukhei’s fault at all. How dare he not know about my weird crush situation with my roommate and best friend!

“Jaemin?” he asks, knocking timidly on Jaemin’s door later that day. It’s 8 PM now, and he knows neither of them have eaten. “Do you want me to order you food?” He’s not sure why Jaemin is so mad at him, and he’s a little hurt, but he’s just not a petty or confrontational person. He hears movement, and Jaemin sighing before opening the door.

“Jeno, come in here.” he says, like he’s been debating it all day, and Jeno comes in carefully, like if he makes one wrong move, Jaemin will kick him out. Jaemin gestures to his bed, so Jeno takes a seat.

“Does this mean you want food?” Jeno asks. “I’ll pay. Um. I’m sorry I made you mad. I’m going to be hoenst. I don’t know what I did, but I’m not saying I didn’t do anything. I just want to know so I know what to apologize for. I’m sorry, Jaeminnie.” he says, and Jaemin sighs again, but Jeno thinks this one isn’t directed at him. He hopes not, anyway.

“You don’t have to pay. And we do need to eat, don’t we? Just order chicken or something, I’ll pay you back. Look, okay.” Jeno orders the chicken on an app on his phone as Jaemin shuts the door. Nobody else would hear anyway. It’s just them in their apartment, but Jeno respects that. He finishes the order and locks his phone, full attention on Jaemin.

“I’m sorry I was mean to you and then I didn’t come out of my room or apologize.” Jemin says, sitting next to Jeno and taking his hand in his. They’re both in pajamas, though Jeno is in different pajamas since he showered.

“ You are sorry?” Jeno asks, confused. “I mean, I accept because it made me kind of sad. But I’m confused.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Not really. I’m actually glad you had fun and got out, you know? You never do, but I was just- Oh, this sucks. This sucks. I was jealous, okay?” Jeno can’t help the way his eyes widen at that, Mark’s words be damned. Maybe he is an open book.

“Jealous? But you’re with Seok-”

“Not anymore.” Jaemin says, laughing sadly. “We broke up last night and that’s why I went to bed so early and I didn’t get out of bed. I was crying! Crying over that guy. I didn’t even like him that much. I think my pride was just hurt.”

“Oh, Jaemin.” Jeno says, temporarily pausing the jealousy discussion and hugging Jaemin. “I’m so sorry. I wish I’d known. I feel bad.” That makes Jaemin laugh for real.

“How could you have known? I literally didn’t tell you and then I shut myself in my room all day so you couldn’t find out. Don’t feel bad. But it’s fine, really. I broke up with him. I don’t think he liked me much, to be honest. He maybe liked how I looked but not me. I was putting a lot of stuff together last night, and I realized I wasn’t happy.”

“Like the cut,” Jeno says, nodding to himself.

“Yeah!” Jaemin says. “What the hell was that? He didn’t even get up.” Jeno laughs.

“I was just telling Mark that I didn’t like Seokwon last night when he drove me home. Maybe I’m psychic. For this situation only.” Jaemin smiles softly.

“You didn’t like him?” he asks, like he’s been waiting for someone else to say it, to know he made the right decision.

“No, I didn’t. He just didn’t suit you, and he didn’t love you as much as I thought he should which is...a lot.” Jaemin is looking at him, eyes fond and soft, gorgeous.

“You talk about me with Mark?” Jeno wants to laugh. Way more than you even know , he wants to say.

“Of course,” he says soft, carefully. Jaemin takes a deep breath, like he’s preparing himself for something.

“Then let me finish. Yes, I was jealous when I saw all of these... hickeys, because when I realized I wasn’t happy with Seokwon I also realized something else.” Jeno waits, heart threatening to explode.

“I also realized I love you instead, and I was going to tell you this morning-” Afternoon. Evening, maybe, Jeno’s brain supplies, but he doesn’t dare interrupt him.

“But then I saw those and I got scared, and I felt embarrassed and angry because I thought maybe I got there too late. Did I? Are you and Yukhei dating? Don’t be afraid to be honest,” Jaemin sighs, resigned, like he’s already accepted this fate.

“Too late?” Jeno says. “Jaemin, you got here first, before anyone else. Yukhei and I just made out, we didn’t sign marriage papers. I do have his number, though. He’s nice. I think we could be friends..But what I’m saying is I love you too, did you know that?” Jaemin stares at him.

“Jeno, what do you mean? I just told you. How could you possibly-”

“I loved you first.” Jeno supplies. He always imagined this with a lot of crying and dry heaving and like, fire everywhere and dogs barking and then him fainting and Renjun dragging him out of their apartment with Donghyuk’s help, but it’s not like that at all.

“Jeno.” Jaemin says, like there’s so much to say he’s not sure where to begin. “You’re...You’re serious?”

“Yeah. It’s kind of been ruining my life and dominating my every waking moment for, like, ever now. That’s actually why I went to the party,” Jeno laughs. “I was trying to forget about you.” Jaemin stares at Jeno like he’s seeing him for the first time, something new and beautiful.

“Did it work?” he asks. Jeno shakes his head.

“Never.” he says. Jaemin smiles.

“And I made you sit through all those stories about Seokwon and eat dinner with us and approve my outfits for dates...And I left you alone and I let us drift apart and then when I tried to reel you in I just hurt you even more, didn’t I? Jeno, I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m your friend first. I shouldn’t have ran away like that, but it just…” Even now with it being over, he still feels…

“Hurt?” Jaemin offers, taking Jeno’s hand again. Jeno nods, a tear falling. He wipes it away like that’ll mean Jaemin never saw it, but he did, and that’s okay.

“Yeah,” Jeno admits. “But I wanted you to be happy. That’s all I ever want, Jaemin. And I mean, I love you. I love you so much it actually makes me sick. But do you think I can really make you happy? I mean, I’m just me. ” Jaemin gasps.

“You’ve been making me happy for years. You’ve done it this long. I think you can just keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll be pretty fucking satisfied. And you’re not just you. You’re Lee Jeno, and that’s what I love about you, and you kissed my finger when I cut it in the kitchen, and I’m never going to forget that. I couldn’t. And I’m not going to hurt you ever again.”

“You could have gotten it infected,” Jeno sniffles. “He didn’t even get you a band-aid.” Jaemin brings him in for a hug.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize,” Jaemin whispers. “You’ve been so sweet. You’ve always been so sweet.” One of Jaemin’s tears soaks into Jeno’s hair.

“I love you, Jaemin.” Jeno says, and he never thought he’d be able to say it. Really say it and mean it and have Jaemin accept it.

“I love you too.” Jaemin says, and yeah, of course Jeno is crying. He’s been carrying this around and letting it tear him apart inside for months, a year? Two years? He can’t even tell. Just far too long to be feeling such immense pain, have so much love and no one to give it too

“By the fucking way,” Jaemin says, letting go of Jeno. “Those hickeys cannot fade fast enough. I’m going to be mad everytime I see them for like the next week and a half depending on how fast your skin heals. This timing sucks. ” Jaemin freezes. “You didn’t do anything besides...make out right?” Jeno flinches.

“No!” he almost yells. “I’ll buy BB cream or something. I’ll wear a turtleneck, I’ll-”

“Shh,” Jaemin says, laughing, putting a finger to his lips. “I think the chicken is here.” Jeno runs out to get it without thinking about how he’s crying or covered in hickeys and in a pajama shirt and shorts and when he sees the guy’s shocked face he wants to scream. He gives him a big tip. He deserves it.