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When life changes so drastically it gives you a migraine you know you’re in trouble. You know because your stomach drops to the floor and your heart shatters and everything in your body aches. Keith didn’t really want to process those feelings when the Galra captured Lance, so instead he focused on his anger and how they’d rescue Lance and bring him home. Because the ship has become home since they left Earth however many months or years ago.
Time moves slower while in space, which became even slower after Lance got taken. There wasn’t a constant stream of laughter or goofing off and after a short time Keith had started to miss the insults they’d tossed back and forth. When they rescued Lance there wasn’t a physical scratch on him, in that aspect he was perfectly fine if dehydration and hunger can count as so. Mentally, it became obvious that something was wrong. The spark in his eyes and hop in his step disappeared, his mind was unfocused and he was exhausted. So, he went into the cryopod to try and make the physical aspect of him heal, but Coran didn’t seem optimistic about the mental pain Lance was suffering from. Life continued on around Lance, but it didn’t seem like he noticed that everybody was walking on eggshells with him.
Keith was familiar with mental injuries and knows that they can’t be completely healed, but with time he hoped that Lance would start talking again so he came up with a six step plan. Foolproof plans were never Keith’s strong suit, his rescue plan for Shiro an obvious one, so he didn’t know how well the plan would turn out, but he had hope so he shared it with the group. Minus Lance, because a) it concerned him and he probably didn’t want Keith’s help anyway and b) Lance spent entire days in his room now so it would be hard unless they did their little pow-wow in his room. Keith didn’t see that going over very well, so they all gathered in the strategy room at Keith’s request.
“Your plan won’t work because it’s dumb,” Pidge states before Keith can even finish explaining it, frustrating him when he’s already on a hair trigger.
“Okay, well, I don’t see anybody else coming up with a bright idea except space, which after the weeks he spent with Galra probably isn’t helping. And my plan isn’t dumb. Everybody gets a week to try and talk to Lance and get him to know we’re here for him,” Keith explained, again, speaking louder when Pidge tries to interrupt again.
“Except for you?” Shiro questions. Pidge, Hunk, Coran, and Allura all nod their heads like they’re in agreeance that Keith shouldn’t sit this out. Keith smiles a small smile, blowing out a breath to try and keep his voice leveled and calm.
“Lance doesn’t need me right now. He’s in this situation because of me, he’s going to get out of this situation without me. I caused the problem, I created this mess, and I shouldn’t be anywhere near him because of it.” His voice cracks halfway through, making it obvious that he doesn’t want to stay away, but that it’s for the best. Resignation passes over the groups face and they all agree to try and help Lance the best they can. So the plan goes into action.
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Keith’s six step plan includes giving Lance a week to himself. He needs the time to try and reconnect with Blue and get his bearings again, to try and get used to the space again. Keith watches from a distance as this happens. He’s there the first time Lance goes over to Blue watches as he just stares up at her. A deep sigh, three steps closer, and the usual instant connection isn’t made. Keith keeps watching as Lance takes a couple steps closer. Lance hesitates to put his hand on Blue, and Blue in turn seems to shut down completely.
“I know you’re angry and scared that I’m not okay. I don’t really know how to fix me, so I don’t know when you’ll let me back in. I’m sorry.” It’s whispered quietly into the air like a secret, the first full sentences Lance has spoken since he got back. Keith swallows the lump in his throat and walks away quietly, trying not to punch the wall on his way out.
Lance still locks himself away in his room, only coming out to grab something from the kitchen and then he’s gone. Pidge shoots daggers at Keith across the table when it happens, and Keith doesn’t know how to respond so he starts ignoring the daggers in favor of moving around the goop in his bowl instead of actually eating it.
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Keith stopped sleeping. He’s not entirely certain when it happened, but he suspects around the time Lance got captured and again when Lance got rescued. His mind replays the night Lance got captured on repeat, his own personal attack. He sees the moment the Galra soldiers surrounding them take away an unconscious Lance, and then everything goes dark when one of the remaining soldiers kicks his ribs. Three broken ribs, a punctured lung, concussed brain, and a fractured wrist later, Keith wakes up from the cryopod after five days. Coran said he was lucky to be alive, but all Keith could think was how he wished he was dead.
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The plan to help Lance is really just having everybody talk to him. The second week of his six step plan is having Hunk talk to Lance, and hope that Lance is listening. The first day seems the hardest on Hunk, knowing that Lance is there but not really there. He lasts about an hour of just talking at Lance before he has to leave. Keith stops him in the hallway.
“He isn’t really there anymore, Keith. It’s like a talking to a shell.” And he looks close to tears so Keith just nods instead of arguing, because Hunk is wrong. He’s still in there, he’s just damaged and torn apart. The jigsaw puzzle that has become Lance’s mind takes more time than the others realize.
By the third day out of the seven, Hunk seems to be making progress and isn’t afraid that he’s going to say something that will set off Lance. Set Lance off of what, Keith isn’t exactly sure. What sets off somebody that appears to have flipped a switch to emotions? He walks into the communal room that they all share and spots Hunk and Lance on the couch. Keith stops directly in his tracks because watching distantly is one thing, but being close seems likely to ruin it. And it’s hard, because Keith wants to know how things are going by being there, but he can’t. He made a silent promise to Lance that he would stay away, and really it’s for the better. So he turns and walks out and heads straight to the training room.
Day seven ends on a conversation with Hunk that has Keith wanting to tear apart the entire universe.
“He won’t talk, but I think he listened. I know that the Galra messed with his mind, but I don’t think any of us know how deep it goes,” Hunk comments, sounding defeated. Keith wishes he could track down Zarkon right now and end this entire war so they could go home, but he can’t so he breathes instead.
“I also think he wants you to talk to him,” Hunk concludes.
“His mind was torn to pieces because of me, because I couldn’t protect us, so I really doubt he wants anything to do with me right now,” Keith explains, keeping his voice even and unbothered. Internally, his stomach plummets and his heart races.
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Before Lance was taken they’d almost been something. Which means they were nothing because you can’t almost be anything. Lance became less annoying and more charming, less of a waste of space and more of what Keith wanted his space filled to the brim with, less flirty and more heartfelt. Late night talks about their lives back home, the brutal training sessions because Lance always made him want to do better, the shoulder bumps and thighs pressed close together, and the bone crushing hugs after they’d survived another mission. A + B = C, until B is taken away from A and C becomes a distant wish.
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Keith’s plan continued into the next week with Pidge. She was less scared of what might upset Lance and more scared of what wouldn’t upset Lance. Pidge deals in math and equations and science, but she knew that Lance wasn’t a problem she could solve or a waterlogged computer that needs time to dry out. Lance is a living, breathing human being. Which is what makes their interactions so strained on the first day.
Pidge spends three hours with Lance in his room the first day, more time than Hunk spent with him on the first day. Keith keeps his distance, but knows when they leave his room. He tracks them to the hangar where the lions sleep, listens when Pidge talks Lance through how Green continues to surprise her and the tests she’s thinking of running. Lance stands motionless beside her, staring at Blue. Ever since Blue rejected his first advances, Lance hasn’t been back down here to Keith’s knowledge.
“She’s missed you. I think that when you got taken it was almost as hard on her as it was on Keith. When we found him, you were gone and he was dying on the floor and everything was so messed up. You wouldn’t believe how bonkers he went when he woke up. He blames himself for everything that happened.” Pidge mentions the last part quietly, not knowing what Lance’s reaction will be. Unsurprisingly, he remains quiet and Pidge sighs.
By the end of the week, Pidge has decided on the same thing Hunk has. Lance might be in there, but he doesn’t want to come out. And that Keith needs to talk to him.
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Keith stops monitoring his plan and instead locks himself in his room. Over the next three weeks he gets random updates from the rest of the group. Shiro tries to get him out of his room, but he refuses and eventually Shiro leaves. He knows that Hunk and Pidge have started spending more time with Lance, he knows that Shiro talked to Lance, the same with Coran and Allura, and he knows that they all want him to give them an answer. Keith wishes he had answers, but Lance will heal on his own time.
He leaves his room late one night and wanders down into the hangar. He climbs into Red and sits there for a while, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Keith sighs deeply.
“Play me the night Lance got captured.” Red’s hesitation is felt, but she loads up the video anyway. And the entire night plays out before him.
They had gotten intel about an abandoned Galra base. Allura thought it would be a great way to gather the information they needed to defeat Zarkon, so they went. Everything was okay until about half an hour into the mission. Keith still wonders how the Galra were able to stay so impossibly still to not be detected. Shiro and Hunk were hovering over the base, so it was just Keith, Lance, and Pidge in the base. Pidge had gone to gather the intel and Lance and Keith were making small talk as they walked the halls. And then the Galra came from inside the walls and attacked them. There were too many, and in the end they overpowered both of them. He slams his hand into the armrest of his seat in frustration.
“Keith, hey buddy, Keith listen man. It’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. You guys will come find me and we’ll kick these alien’s asses. So, don’t be angry when you wake up, okay?” And Keith’s heart stops in his chest because he doesn’t remember this. He doesn’t remember Lance saying anything to him. Keith watches as he punches a Galra guard and doesn’t put up a fight when they take him down, pistol whipping him for good measure. Anger starts to bubble within him.
“Your little boyfriend might have saved you, but now he will die for the trouble.” The last remaining Galra guard smirks and then kicks him in the stomach. The crunching feeling and then unimaginable pain, and then nothing.
The only thought running through Keith’s head at the moment is I’m going to kill him. He launches out of Red and stalks over to Blue. Blue, who rejected Lance’s first attempt at contact. Blue, who was supposed to protect him.
“You were supposed to protect him! Where were you? Where were you when he was being taken by the Galra? Why did you let him sacrifice himself for me?” Tears start to stream down his face and Keith hiccups from how worked up he’s gotten. He picks up the first thing he can reach, which happens to be a wrench, and throws it at Blue when he doesn’t get a response. He screams in frustration and falls to his knees, sobbing because his chest hurts.
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Keith continues to lock himself away in his room. Not answering his door, even after Hunk threatens to break the door if he doesn’t come out. Pidge tries to bargain with him, Shiro tries to reason, Allura tries to share a past experience when she ignored her father, and Coran makes a joke. And Keith just ignores them all because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how angry and annoyed they are, or if they’re confused by his isolation. He just doesn’t care. His stomach feels empty even after he eats, his heart feels like it’s snapped, and moving in general just makes him want to cry. He wishes he’d never gotten kicked out of the Garrison, wishes he he’d never met Shiro, and wishes that he’d never decided flying around in empty space was a good idea.
Eventually they all stop trying, making it easier for Keith to slip out of his room to go into the hangar. He climbs into Red and her worry is well communicated, but Keith ignores it.
“Play me the night Lance was saved.” There’s no hesitation from Red when she starts up the video.
The video starts with Shiro restating the plan, making sure everybody knows the part they play in this rescue mission. Keith remembers only half listening to Shiro through the coms, only responding when he asks for confirmation from everybody. Three months of not knowing where Lance was, not knowing what he was going through, and not knowing if Keith was ever going to see him again, finally brought them to this moment. Finding and rescuing Lance, so in all actuality Keith didn’t care what his part was, he was going to find Lance no matter what.
The fighting starts the way Keith remembers, so he skips ahead to a few minutes before he breaches the door he hopes Lance is behind. He’d just finished slamming a Galra soldier’s head into the wall when he hears a voice behind him in the video.
“You foolish boy, you assume that the person you’re saving is the same one that got captured. Three months on this ship, what do you think he was going through? He wasn’t having tea parties with the useless soldiers, his mind was being taken apart.” He turns to the voice and sees a witch wrapped in a cloak. Keith smiles slightly and the witch smiles back.
“Find anything interesting? Anything you’d like to share for the class?” And he knows that she can kill him easily. The fact that she hasn’t yet is interesting.
“Nothing of use to us. Zarkon doesn’t realize the mistake of taking him, which is why you’re still breathing. I will let you all leave this ship alive only once, Keith Kogane, so take your friend,” The witch states calmly, seeming resigned to the fact that he’s going to take Lance. She disappears before Keith can say anything back, so he turns around and finds the door opened. Lance is chained to the floor, seemingly unharmed.
Keith stops the video before it can go any further and leans back against his seat. He sits there quietly for a few minutes before deciding to go back to his room. He taps Red lightly when he exits and glances quickly over at Blue. He walks over to her and stares quietly.
“If I’d found him dead, there would no longer be Voltron. You save him every time Blue, no matter what, from now on. Only him.” Blue appears to nod in understanding, so Keith exits the hangar.
When he gets back to his room, he stops at the figure sitting on his bed. Lance looks up at him and Keith gets the overwhelming urge to strangle him.
“I want to kill you right now. You couldn’t possibly understand the rage that I feel at this moment in time, or the rage I felt during the three months you were gone. You never should have saved me,” Keith says calmly and takes three steps closer so he’s just barely touching Lance’s knees with his legs. Lance lifts his head further and his blue eyes make Keith want to scream. His lips tilt in a small smile, and Keith stops breathing.
“You weren’t supposed to be mad,” Lance says quietly. Keith stands still as stone and tries to reclaim his breathing. He’s talking. His mind whispers happily. His mouth however, says something different.
“I didn’t have any recollection of that conversation until two weeks ago. You also can’t tell me not to be angry before you fucking sacrifice yourself to the Galra, you idiot!” Keith seethes out, pissed that Lance has the audacity to tell him he can’t be mad. Fuck that, he’s livid!
“You weren’t supposed to be mad,” Lance repeats.
“You could have died! In what lifetime would I not be mad when you die! Especially to save my life? Fuck you, Lance. I have every right to be mad. I woke up after five days in a cryopod to Hunk telling me that yes, in fact, you did get taken. And yes, in fact, we do have to go save your dumbass!” Keith’s tone is probably unnecessary, Lance did what he did and it’s done. But, that doesn’t change the fact that he couldn’t breathe for three months.
“Okay, well, in my defense I loved you and knew you’d find me?” It comes out as a question and Keith breathes quietly through his nose.
“You didn’t know shit, and also saying you loved me doesn’t change how angry I am,” Keith explains, back to talking quietly because some of his anger dissipated at the words I loved you.
“What if I said I still love you? Even after you avoiding me for two months.” Keith moves his hands from his sides and places one of them in Lance’s hair and the other on his cheek. God, this idiot.
“I’d say you’re stupid and that I love you too.” Because Lance might be a dumbass, but Keith loves him. Lance smiles widely and Keith pulls his hair, to which Lance winces.
“Okay, so tell me, when did you start talking again? And how was I supposed to know you wanted to talk to me when you weren’t speaking?” Keith questions, again pulling on Lance’s hair and smiling like if Lance didn’t answer his questions he would, in fact, kill him.
“Okay, first, please stop pulling my hair it hurts. Second, I never really stopped talking, you were just never around to hear me! And for your information, I did tell you I wanted to talk to you, so that’s on you bud,” Lance answers. Keith thinks back and remembers never talking to Lance, until it clicks.
“Having Hunk and Pidge tell me to talk to you, does not mean you told me. And what about what they said about you not being ready? Did you tell them to say that?” Keith was getting tired of standing, so he silently stradled Lance, both of his knees beside his thighs. It wasn’t sexual, Keith was honestly just tired of standing and still wanted to look at Lance’s face.
“Maybe if you listened to my two best friends it would mean that I told you, but you didn’t. And no, I wasn’t entirely ready to speak fully and still wasn’t comfortable. I needed time, and you gave me time while also giving me people to talk to. At first with Hank it was hard. But by the end of it I was slowly talking. Same thing with Pidge. When she talked about you almost dying it made my heart break, but I still wasn’t entirely ready. Everybody made it easier with time, so thank you,” Lance explains and Keith smiles slightly.
“I’m glad you’re getting better. Pidge telling you I almost died was unfair, that wasn’t on you,” Keith says. Lance makes a face and pinches Keith’s side.
“You’re wrong, but I’ll let it go. So, Keith Kogane, what has your life been like since I last saw you?” Lance questions and Keith wants to laugh because Lance is trying to make this seem normal, but it’s not. He settles for a smile instead.
“Boring and painful. Filled with anger and regret. The usual when the person you love gets captured,” he comments lightly. The sarcastic tone making it less harsh.
“I see. Well, the person you love is back because you saved them, and they want you to forgive them and yourself. I’m going to be fine, Keith. The more time that passes it’ll get easier, especially if I have you. The rest of the gang is great, but you’re my favorite,” Lance says the last part cheekily and with a toothy grin. Keith laughs loudly and leans further into Lance, but something he said bothers him.
“I wouldn’t have been able to save you so easily if it wasn’t for the witch,” Keith comments. Lance nods sagely like he knows exactly what Keith is talking about.
“She’s the one that dug around in my mind for the first month or so. She didn’t approve of Zarkon keeping me captive though, I heard her arguing with him outside a lot. She said it was a mistake and that if he still wanted her help, he’d let me go. After that, Zarkon sent a different witch in. She had fun screwing with my head, liked turning my memories and dreams against me,” Lance says casually, like somebody digging through his head is a common occurrence. Keith raises an eyebrow in question.
“You say this like somebody digging through your mind is no big deal.” Lance smiles a little and his eyes crinkle at the edges a bit.
“It happened and it’s going to stick around for a while, but eventually I’ll be okay. I have too many happy memories for her twist anyway, she couldn’t get to all of them,” he murmurs into the quiet. Keith nods to say he understands and then they sit quietly for a few seconds before Lance interrupts it.
“I’m tired. Can we go to bed?” Keith laughs and nods his affirmation. Keith gets up and climbs against the wall while Lance gets comfortable. They turn toward each other after they’re settled and Keith smiles before a thought comes to mind and he decides to voice it.
“If you ever decide it’s okay to sacrifice yourself, know that I will kill you myself, Lance McClain.” The threat doesn’t seem to bother Lance, seeing as he just shrugs as if to say ‘no promises’. Keith really hates him.
++++++
Keith is almost asleep, Lance curled against his back, when Lance whispers in his ear.
“If you ever throw a wrench at Blue again, I’ll kill you myself.” Keith smiles and chuckles tiredly and shrugs. Lance smiles against his neck and kisses the back of it.
Keith sleeps soundly for the first time in almost five months, and only slightly abuses Hunk and Pidge at breakfast after he wakes up the next morning.