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27 January 2016, I lost him.
And it all just comes back like a bliss of the wind, flooding back the memories that once was mine. The day he went missing, the day he was nowhere to be found, the day I lost him.
Byun Baekhyun wasn't all about surprises. He was-- is likely a very simple man who'd like to keep things natural. Disappearing out of thin air wasn't really quite his style. Because of that, I always expected for him to be captured rather than gone. I always thought he will come back to me, I know he will come back to me, everyone just lost hope a few months later and decided it was case closed for the lost singer.
27 May 2016, I cried out for him.
Other nights I think about him, but that day was different. 4 months without him and everyone already seem to forget the man they used to call their friend. The father figure. The lover.
Except for me, I couldn't take my mind off him. The rational needing has grown unhealthy that Junmyeon forced me to go the a psychiatrist and take a break on my career for a while. For what she didn't know that wasn't what I needed, what I needed was a exchange of eternal love he once gave me.
27 November 2016, snow fell for him.
I remember how cold it was, a winter without him. Since then I realise how selfish I was to keep myself isolated when my friends were all but supportive for my actions. Every rejections and they were still at the front row defending me. So that day, I held back. I held back my tears and I laid down in purpose of humbling myself. I always wanted eternal love, I didn't notice that it was always there with me.
27 December 2016, he came back.
After all the Christmas picturesque, it was the week of rest and peace before getting ready for New Years. Just a couple of old mates gather together for a very relaxing day in New York City, a day filled with window-shopping and eye refreshments, something I haven't done in a long time.
But at the end of the day, when I thought everything was going to be okay, the phone call that no one asked for came. The call that would've gone easy if my Junmyeon didn't answer, a phone call that brought my curiosity to its end.
A phone call from the Mental Institute of New York.
"Baekhyun Byun, born in 12 May 1992. 1.74 meters. Once a heartfelt prodigy of a musician, was found scavenging through the woods at 27 December 2016, and was immediately evacuated to the nearest hospital." Junmyeon read the exact words the woman on the call said. "There were no injuries on his body, though he suffered a massive amount of trauma and brain damage. He kept screaming all the way to a local hospital, which ended up having him led into the mental institute of New York, in restrain until they know what is going on." He raised her head. "They are asking whether you'd like to see him."
After listening to Junmyeon’s words, I sauntered. This man, a man I've been mourning for my whole life, came back. Not in a perfect figure, probably already out of his mind, but he's here. In New York. And I clearly wanted him to come back all those months ago but why am I thinking twice now? Isn't he all I always wanted? I kept my promise to love him no matter what state he was in,
Was I able to keep that promise?
"Jongdae?" Junmyeon’s voice alluded me from my daydream. "So?"
I took a breath and nodded. "I'll take the fastest cab to downtown New York."
—-—
"He's in room 7A, at the corner of the hallway." The woman on the counter explained warmly, though her sore eyes didn't really sort out with the situation. "A nurse will accompany and clear you out from any possible dangers."
"Thank you." I nodded and rushed to the told room, Junmyeon following beside me.
The nurse's movements were stiff and rigid, just like the rest of the things that were in this hospital. Emotionless people with heavily darted eyes filled the place, enjoying the place they now call home. If you have ever seen those kind of mental hospitals that are on films, this was like one of them. It kills me how Baekhyun was now apart of this place, hell, this was the last place I thought Baekhyun would be in.
Room 7A was perfectly placed at the end of the hall, cornered enough to be quiet and very soothing. The lights flicker and the atmosphere turned weary. "He should be by the other side of the door." The nurse informed bluntly.
I knocked the door. "Come in." A very familiar voice inside replied. It was not long until I recognize that voice, Baekhyun’s mother. Her usual calm voice was replaced with tiredness and conscience. I took a breath and went in.
The room was small. The lights were all on, and it was better than I expected it would be. It felt homey, comfortable enough to stay for the night. Worn out Mrs. Byun was right there next to the door with a smile on her face, although it was certain that she was not fine at all. She came to me and gave me a big hug.
"It's been a long time, sweety." She mumbled through my hair.
I nodded. I noticed a figure of a man sitting at the bed, facing backwards. I immediately knew who he was. "Did he asked about me?"
She shook her head lightly and broke the hug. "I'm sure he misses you, though."
I smiled back. Although Mrs. Byun meant good, I honestly expected more from Baekhyun, maybe a couple of remarks about me whatnot. With a troubled sigh, I stepped forward and brought myself to the man.
Why is my heart beating so fast?
"Baekhyun?" I let out a voice that sounded like a mumble. "It's me, Jongdae."
The man shuddered. He slowly crept backward, his movements slow and rigid. He stood up and turned around, revealing his face.
Baekhyun. He was already clean shaven and his face was just the same the last time I saw him. They groomed him well. But the look on his face was taunting, blank, and expressionless, just like the rest of the patients here. When he shifted his eyes on mine, I expected a smile curl on his face.
My thoughts were wrong.
His jaw clenched and his hands tightened. "You." His throat tightened. He continuously shook his head.
"Yes, it's me."
"You!" He pulled out a knife that somehow was still in his pocket. I immediately back off his bed and cornered on the door.
"Get that knife away from him!" Mrs. Byun shouted.
"Baekhyun, this isn't you." I shivered, my voice sounds more like a plead for mercy.
"You ruined my life, you took everything away from me!" He shouted louder than anything I've heard and still kept the knife up. "Why'd you keep me suffer?! Why would you leave me like this?!"
"Baekhyun, stop please, put the knife down." I pleaded. "Look at me, alright? Look at me. Tell me this is the face that wanted you to suffer. I, for my whole life mourned for you! You never see that? I've been the one who searched and cried and suffered-"
"You did not search well enough!"
"Baekhyun."
"You. Should've. Known."
"Baekhyun."
"I called for you and you did not listen!"
"I love you!" I blurted out. He stopped. Everything stopped. It was as if the world surround us paused for just a second. Baekhyun’s gaze softened, it was hard to capture what was he feeling.
I closed my eyes and tears started forming on my cheeks. Just before Baekhyun's knife was taken and he was back to therapy, I heard him whisper, "you didn't love me enough."
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