Work Text:
Inspired by this post on tumblr: http://isa-iadel.tumblr.com/post/182406496519/thehemingwaygoldfish-shen-i-apologize
Lingering
It had been on his mind since the incident with the pinhole camera, a sort of lingering thought hovering in the back of Zhao Yunlan’s mind. Despite the resolution, the shame of listening to Shen Wei apologize for something that was so clearly and fully Zhao Yunlan’s responsibility was hard to take. His normal brand of shamelessness didn’t stand up against something of this magnitude. It was his fault and he knew it.
So why did Shen Wei try to take the blame?
Weeks later, he still didn’t have a satisfactory answer. Instead he had another far more alarming question to consider. Was it possible that there were no limits to what Shen Wei would let Zhao Yunlan do to him? Where there any limits to what Shen Wei would do for him? Shen Wei had already demonstrated a startling lack of boundaries, an almost reckless devotion to protecting him, and a strong sensitivity to Zhao Yunlan’s feelings.
The question didn’t make Zhao Yunlan feel powerful or special. The idea of having that much power over a person, let alone a person like Shen Wei, it left him feeling alarmed and uncomfortable. And he knew, deep down, that he had done absolutely nothing to deserve it.
He’d spent most of the time he was blind more worried about Shen Wei than he was worried about himself. He hadn’t been glib when he’d told Shen Wei and his doctor friend that he would be fine. But his biggest worry was that Shen Wei would do something reckless to heal him. In the days after Shen Wei restored his vision with the Longevity Dial, Zhao Yunlan thought his fears had been put to rest. Shen Wei was fine. Nothing bad had come of it.
Or so he thought.
“I woke up because I was hungry.”
The sound startled Shen Wei and he turned, dropping his knife. Shen Wei had always been on the pale side, but that was nothing compared to how to he looked at that moment standing in Zhao Yunlan’s kitchen. He shifted as Zhao Yunlan approached, leaning against the counter and gripping it tightly to keep himself upright.
“Are you okay? Come sit down,” Zhao Yunlan encouraged.
Shen Wei said nothing. He leaned back further as Zhao Yunlan approached, which was when Zhao Yunlan realized that his stance wasn’t accidental. Shen Wei was trying to hide his arm behind his back. Zhao Yunlan closed the distance between them, but Shen Wei wouldn’t meet his gaze. A sharp tug got Shen Wei’s arm out from behind his back and Zhao Yunlan stared at the cut he’d obviously made with the knife dropped at his feet. Dark energy oozed from the cut and the sight of it made Zhao Yunlan feel sick to his stomach.
“Shen Wei.”
Shen Wei still wouldn’t look at him.
“Don’t you dare lie to me.”
Shen Wei’s gaze darted to him briefly, alarmed.
“What did you do to heal my eyes?” Zhao Yunlan demanded softly.
He was so afraid of the answer he could barely force the words out, but he had to know. Shen Wei, determined not to answer, yanked his wrist free from Zhao Yunlan’s grip and stepped away. It was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. Zhao Yunlan’s grip had been tight, but Shen Wei had enjoyed the feeling of his fingers around his wrist. And despite that he’d been angry, Shen Wei had appreciated his closeness. If he had leaned forward just a little, he could have leaned on Zhao Yunlan.
There was so much he wanted from Zhao Yunlan, though the very idea of asking for it was inconceivable. But in that moment he was weak and tired and he badly wanted to lean on him. He wanted to rest his forehead against Zhao Yunlan’s shoulder, he wanted one of the man’s hands on the back of his neck and the other on his hip. He wanted soft assurances and even softer kisses.
But he had no right to ask for any of that.
“You used the Longevity Dial,” Zhao Yunlan accused, unable to say nothing as Shen Wei tried to walk away from him.
The accusations in his tone halted Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan moved to stand beside him. Shen Wei still wouldn’t look at him and Zhao Yunlan wanted to take him by the shoulders. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hug him or shake him, he wasn’t sure which one was more likely to make Shen Wei tell him the truth.
“You shared your life force with me. You used your power to heal my eyes.”
Shen Wei kept his gaze forward and said nothing.
“Didn’t you?”
Shen Wei let out a shaky exhale.
“Didn’t you?” Zhao Yunlan demanded. His voice was still soft, but he was angry.
“I…” Shen Wei tripped over what he wanted to say, “I did.”
“Explain,” Zhao Yunlan said tightly.
“The energy structure in my body,” Shen Wei said softly, “was compromised. As such, all of the energy in my body needs to be exchanged.”
Zhao Yunlan took a slow breath. He turned, eyes closed for a moment, and felt his anger begin to fade. It was everything he had feared and exactly what he didn’t want, but it was done. And as Shen Wei stood before him, trembling and looking terribly vulnerable, Zhao Yunlan didn’t have it in him to quarrel. Shen Wei had taken care of him so many times and Zhao Yunlan wanted to return the kindness.
“It must hurt a lot,” he managed.
The comment drew Shen Wei’s gaze back to him, making him smile a little.
“Fortunately,” Shen Wei said, pausing briefly as he forced the wound on his wrist to heal, “Fortunately I am used to getting injured.”
Zhao Yunlan couldn’t imagine why Shen Wei thought these words would be comforting.
“I don’t deserve what you are doing for me. I don’t deserve any of it.”
I don’t deserve you, was what Zhao Yunlan did not say but the words still hovered between them. Shen Wei’s smile turned soft, tender, and he replied immediately.
“You’re worth it.”
The words set Zhao Yunlan off, leaving him utterly terrified of the power he had over the man before him. It was too much and he didn’t make sense and scared him badly enough that he lashed out angrily.
“What do you want from me?!” He demanded, arms throw about in frustration. “To be indebted to you? To bow down to you?”
“No, I-”
“You are not immortal!” Zhao Yunlan shouted, pointing at him angrily. “Why should I so casually owe you a life?” He demanded. “You have no right to risk yourself for me.”
“No,” Shen Wei said, earnestness warring with hurt as he took a step closer, “this life is what I am returning to you.”
“What?”
Shen Wei looked down, aware that he’d said too much. But he wasn’t sure that there was anything he could do to make it better. If all he could do was make it worse, make Zhao Yunlan angrier or more suspicious, he had to leave. It was better than doing or saying things he couldn’t fully explain to him.
“Despite that your sight has returned, your body is not fully recovered. Please rest.”
“Shen Wei-“
“Goodnight, Zhao Yunlan.”
“Stop!”
The command exploded out of the Zhao Yunlan when Shen Wei was halfway to the door. He stilled, surprising both of them. Zhao Yunlan planted himself in front of Shen Wei, his expression stubborn and implacable. Shen Wei felt rooted to the spot, but he forced himself to take a step forward and around him.
“Why do you always run away from me?”
“You need to rest-”
“I’m fine!”
“Your body-”
“Damn it, Shen Wei!” Zhao Yunlan said.
“I…”
“Whatever it is or why ever,” Zhao Yunlan began, “Whatever it is that I don’t know that you won’t tell me- whatever it is that makes you think you owe me something- I wish you wouldn’t…” He closed his eyes tightly for a moment. “I want you to promise me that you won’t do something like this again.”
“I won’t,” Shen Wei replied promptly. “I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“I made a promise.”
“You made a promise?” Zhao Yunlan repeated. “A promise about me?”
Shen Wei said nothing.
“Simple solve,” he said, his tone intentionally callous. “I release you from your-”
Zhao Yunlan found himself pressed against the nearest wall, held in place by Shen Wei’s weight with the man’s hand pressed over his mouth. Pressed this close together Zhao Yunlan could feel Shen Wei trembling. Seeing him like that made Zhao Yunlan hurt, but it was even worse to know what he was the cause of it.
Shen Wei spoke in an agonized whisper, “Don’t say that.”
With Shen Wei’s hand over his mouth, Zhao Yunlan could do nothing but look at him. But Shen Wei still saw the refusal in his gaze. Exhausted and weary, his head tipped forward and landed on Zhao Yunlan’s shoulders, his hands moving to his upper arms.
“Don’t ask me that,” he whispered against Zhao Yunlan’s shoulder.
“Come and sit down-”
“No.”
Zhao Yunlan blinked in surprise, “You’re shaking.”
“I’m fine.”
Zhao Yunlan put a hand on the back of his neck, a gesture that was familiar and comforting to Shen Wei. It let him lean even further into the other man.
“You need to rest.”
“You need to rest!” Zhao Yunlan countered, calm despite how unbalanced he felt. “Come and sit down.”
Shen Wei had no desire to move from the almost embrace he had with Zhao Yunlan.
“Xiao Wei.”
Shen Wei raised his head at the address, their faces so close that it startled Zhao Yunlan. Shen Wei seemed equally startled, unable to speak or look away. The look of agonized yearning on his face gave Zhao Yunlan the beginning of an answer to his questions.
“Oh. Xiao Wei,” he said softly, “If this is why or part of why- if this is something that you want but you’re afraid to ask… I won’t say no. I’m not saying no.”
“You’re angry with me.”
“I am. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“How… how you feel about me?”
“Do you really not know?” Zhao Yunlan asked, lifting his hands to cup Shen Wei’s cheeks.
“I suspected,” he admitted, “I hoped. I wanted with a desperation words can’t convey.”
“You can have what you want,” Zhao Yunlan promised him.
Shen Wei kept still.
“You can have whatever you want.”
“I want you safe and healthy.”
“I-”
Zhao Yunlan went silent when Shen Wei rested his hands over Zhao Yunlan’s.
“I want you safe and healthy,” Shen Wei repeated. “I would give anything for your wellbeing.”
“You’ve neglected something.”
Shen Wei blinked in surprise.
“Happiness.”
“What?”
“Safety and health, sure,” he said softly, “But you’ve omitted happiness. It’s just as important as the other two.”
Shen Wei blinked in surprise.
“And there is something else you’ve failed to consider, Professor Shen.”
“What?”
“That I might want those things for you as well.”
“It is my duty-”
“Reciprocity.”
“What?” Shen Wei asked.
“You’re always taking care of me. Why won’t you let me take care of you?”
“I’m fine.”
Zhao Yunlan pressed his lips together, “You are not fine. You’re about to fall over.”
“The energy exchange is tiring,” he admitted after a moment, “But I am fine. I will be fine,” a small smile spread across his face, “As will you.”
“Why does it always feel like one step forward and then ten back and several to the side and I just…I just want…”
“What?”
“I can’t let go,” Zhao Yunlan replied. “I can’t seem to let go, no matter how many times you brush me off or avoid answering a question or simply just leave without explaining anything.”
“I know there are things I’ve left unsaid- questions I haven’t answered. One day-”
“I wish that day was today,” Zhao Yunlan said. “That’s all. I just want to know you and I wish that day was today.”
Shen Wei stared at him.
Zhao Yunlan freed himself and put a couple of steps between them, “You’ve been wanting to go rest and I’ve held you up. You don’t need to delay any longer on my account.”
Shen Wei blinked a couple of times, “I’ll go then.”
Zhao Yunlan turned, moving back into the kitchen and picking up the knife Shen Wei had dropped. He tossed it in the sink and stayed where he was, back to Shen Wei. He was tired of watching Shen Wei leave.
“Goodnight.”
Shen Wei was unable to move. Zhao Yunlan waited for the sound of his footsteps, the sound of him leaving, but when moments passed and it did not come, he turned around. Shen Wei hadn’t moved from his spot by the wall, though his gaze was pinned to Zhao Yunlan.
“You look exhausted,” he said, “Go to bed.”
“Yes,” Shen Wei agreed, “I’m going.”
He continued to stand where he was.
“Do you need help?” Zhao Yunlan asked, concerned that he was too weak to make it even the short distance.
Shen Wei shook his head.
“Come and sit down.”
“I’m fine.”
It seemed a new strategy was going to be needed to deal with Shen Wei. Zhao Yunlan ignored him and tugged him to sit down on the bed. Shen Wei seemed a little shocked by the manhandling.
“This is your bed.”
“Be quiet and lay down.”
“This isn’t necessary.”
Zhao Yunlan continued to ignore him, “Do you want tea?”
Shen Wei shook his head.
Zhao Yunlan busied himself in the kitchen making tea, glancing over his shoulder to glare at Shen Wei, “Why aren’t you laying down?”
“I…”
“Lay down.”
Shen Wei had no intention of laying down in Zhao Yunlan’s bed. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to make himself get up again. And it was giving him thoughts, daydreams of them lying in the bed together, and he had no right to wish for such things when there was so much left unsaid between them.
He was still sitting there when Zhao Yunlan brought him a mug of tea. It turned out to be a mistake as Zhao Yunlan deposited the tea on an end table and dropped to his knees, inserting himself between Shen Wei’s legs.
“I didn’t meant to neglect your happiness,” he said softly, fingers reaching out to touch Zhao Yunlan’s hair. “I’m sorry.”
Zhao Yunlan dropped his gaze for a moment, “That wasn’t what I meant when I said that.”
Shen Wei was, again, taking the blame for himself. Zhao Yunlan was now convinced that this came from love as much as it came from the promise he’d alluded to, but he didn’t know how to make Shen Wei act on it. He’d admitted his feelings easily enough, which had been a surprise to Zhao Yunlan, but he seemed to have no intentions beyond that.
“I know. But I’m still sorry. I should have paid closer attention to your needs.”
“What about your needs?”
Shen Wei smiled a little, “Your health and safety. Your happiness,” he added intentionally, “Those are my needs.”
“And if my happiness rests on yours?”
“I am not unhappy,” Shen Wei said, surprised.
“I think you could be happier. I think we could both be happier. So unless you tell me not to, I’m going to kiss you,” Zhao Yunlan announced, tired of going in circles.
Shen Wei’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say no. Zhao Yunlan leaned up and kissed him, soft and lingering. Shen Wei allowed the kiss, but he kept still. When he leaned back, Zhao Yunlan saw that his hands were fisted in the blankets.
“Don’t let me take advantage of you.”
“Kiss me again,” Shen Wei insisted.
Zhao Yunlan obeyed, kissing him once more. Shen Wei leaned into the kiss, hands coming to clutch Zhao Yunlan by the shoulders. The kiss grew and grew until Shen Wei was pulling Zhao Yunlan up onto the bed. He ended up on his back, Shen Wei on top of him and still kissing him.
“You can have what you want,” Zhao Yunlan promised, repeating his words from earlier. “You can have whatever you can, Xiao Wei.”
“I…”
“Unless of course you don’t want me,” he added, his tone intentionally melancholic.
“Of course I do,” Shen Wei insisted. “But I am not sure that I am good for you.”
“You are the best for me,” Zhao Yunlan said. “I’ve known that for a long time.”
Shen Wei seemed floored by the admission.
“Come on. You look like you’re about to faint,” Zhao Yunlan said. “You need to rest.”
“I'll leave you then.”
Zhao Yunlan clung to him, preventing him from getting up, “What if you didn’t?”
Shen Wei was quiet for a long moment, “Are you asking me to sleep here?”
“Yes.”
“I should make you dinner first,” he said, moving to rise, “You said you woke up because you were hungry-”
“Stop,” Zhao Yunlan said. “I can feed myself. You need to rest.”
“But-”
“I’ll be anxious and worried if you don’t,” Zhao Yunlan pouted. “And I’ll be so distracted by it that I’ll be too useless to do anything but be worried about you.”
Shen Wei stared at him.
“So rest, okay? For my sake.”
“For your sake?”
Zhao Yunlan nodded.
“I’m still dressed…”
Zhao Yunlan rolled them so they were side to side, “Shen Wei. Go to sleep.”
“Bossy,” he said, smiling a little.
Zhao Yunlan laughed, “Go to sleep and we’ll talk more in the morning. By then I’m sure I’ll have come up with an irrefutable argument about why we’re better together and you’ll be so charmed and persuaded that you’ll never leave me. Okay?”
“I look forward to hearing your arguments,” Shen Wei said, stifling a yawn.
Zhao Yunlan remained in bed with him for a while longer, watching until he dropped off to sleep. There was still a lot left unsaid between them. And he still wasn’t comfortable with Shen Wei’s devotion. He was sure he didn’t deserve it and he hated the worry he felt that someday Shen Wei was going to get badly hurt trying to protect him.
“You’re the one the world needs,” Zhao Yunlan whispered to him. “What are you doing letting yourself get hurt for me? Why are you like this?”
“I love you,” Shen Wei mumbled, sleepy and unaware. “It’s because I love you.”
Zhao Yunlan exhaled slowly. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t already wondered about, but it still took his breath away to hear it.
“I’ll tell you again tomorrow when you’re awake, but I love you too.”
Shen Wei shifted in his sleep, smiling a little. Zhao Yunlan shook his head, resisting the urge to laugh. But he liked the look of Shen Wei sleeping in his bed too much to disturb him.
The rest could wait until tomorrow.