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Military school was hell. It was worse than Adam first imagined, or even expected it to be. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst was pointless in his case. There was always something worse than the worst he was preparing for. Almost as if his imagination and reality were trying to outdo one another, it was a constant competition between the two.
The officers were ruthless. So were most of the other kids, and anyone cool had bunks assigned far away from Adam’s. Some days he spent without talking to anyone. He liked it that way. It kept people out of his business. And it meant that he spent every moment off thinking about the day he got sent there. About Eric, most of the time, especially when Adam was trying to shake him out of his thoughts.
Adam spent his first month in looking forward to the end of the month. The school gave them the final weekend in the month off, they had the freedom to do whatever they wanted, go wherever they wanted, as long as they were back to class on Monday. It was only when that weekend came that Adam realized that he didn’t have where to go, or what to do. So he stayed in the empty sleeping quarters, resting, thinking about how he left things, what he should’ve done, but mostly about how no one gave a shit about him. He didn’t even have who to use his once a week phone privilege on – sure, his mom was an option, but talking to her meant risking talking to his dad. It was a risk Adam wasn’t keen on taking.
So Adam didn’t make calls. And the two previous monthly weekends off he spent in his bunk, sulking, doodling crappy looking boxes on loose pieces of paper with a pen he stole the day he got sent here, or reading random books he borrowed from the school library because he was that asshole now, the asshole that read and liked it. But most of all he thought about places where he could go, and people he could see, if hypothetically things were different.
Until the third weekend, when without much thinking about it he packed a backpack and left. He knew the way to where he was going, catching the right busses and taking the right shortcuts. It only dawned on him what his destination was the moment he rang the doorbell.
*
“Adam? We haven’t seen you in so long. Hi,” the way the greeting was worded was unexpected, but much appreciated.
“Hi, Miss Jean. May I speak with you?” Adam spoke, his tone of voice flat, unenthusiastic. A lot was riding on the question he was about to ask her, and he was hopeful, but he was also realistic about how much he was asking for.
“Of course, come in.”
Adam has never admitted things about himself. He hasn’t spoken about his feelings with anyone, he usually pretended that he didn’t have any. It was just so much simpler that way. But he had to share this once. He had a huge favor to ask.
Miss jean listened to him. She understood, at least she said she did.
He didn’t uncover too much. He told her he didn’t get along with his parents, his dad especially. He told her he didn’t like going home once a month because even that little time was enough to upset him. He hadn’t told that to anyone.
And then he asked, his entire hope squeezed between his pointer and middle finger on both hands.
“I was wondering if it would be okay to come here that once a month. I’d come on Saturday, be gone by Sunday afternoon. I’ll understand if it’s impossible. I just need to get out of there every once in a while, and I couldn’t think of any other place to go,” Adam admitted what he promised himself would be the last truth for the conversation. No more personal shite.
Miss Jean thought about it for a few moments.
“I can’t tell you for certain,” she finally said, and she cleared her throat. The look she was giving him, he suspected she was seeing right through his shite, reading the other reason why he’d rather be there than his own house. One word reason, it started with E, “I’ll have to talk to Otis first. I’ll let you know.”
“Okay,” Adam nodded.
“Is there a phone number where I can reach you to let you know?”
“Yeah,” he said and nodded once more, accepting the notepad and pen Miss Jean was handing him, then writing down the head officer’s office phone number, the only way to reach anyone in the school.
It was in this moment that Adam realized exactly how much he was asking. He suddenly knew that the answer would be a big fat no.
*
“Adam Groff to the head officer’s office,” the voice echoed throughout the intercom and all around the building and yard.
Adam got up to his feet and hurried. He didn’t know what it was about, why they were calling him in, but he knew it was smart to get there as soon as he possibly could. It was probably about his grades, but he hoped it was Miss Jean calling. At this point, he just wanted to get it over with, whatever the decision was, he just wanted to know so he could deal with it. Make plans about what to do that weekend: how to get there, or what book to borrow from the library.
When he got to the office, he said his name to the secretary; she nodded and pointed to the phone, signaling him that he had a phone call to answer. Adam sat down on the arm chair next to the phone and picked the receiver up.
“Hello?”
Please be Miss Jean.
“Hi Adam, It’s Jean,” he heard and he immediately relaxed at the familiar, unhostile voice.
“Hi, Miss Jean.”
“Just Jean,” she said and paused, “I spoke to Otis. We agreed that you’re welcome to visit and stay here whenever you need.”
Phew. A weight off his chest. Then a smile. Fuck yes.
*
Ever since the phone call with Miss Jean, Adam started counting the days until he could get the hell out of the school and go to his hometown. He knew he wouldn’t spent too much time at the house, but he’d take walks and visit familiar places and see familiar faces. It would be a decent break, a chance to forget what he has to deal with every day. A chance to do something more selfish than he’d usually do, and undo one of the things he regrets the most.
*
“Hi,” the new kid was the one to get the door and greet him.
“New kid,” Adam said and seconded it with a nod.
“Come in,” the kid said and took a step back to allow Adam to walk through the hallway and into the living room. The new kid lead him up the stairs and into a guest room that Adam didn’t know existed. He was hoping for the couch. This was so much better though. He hadn’t had privacy like that in months. He was going to take advantage of it the first chance possible.
*
Adam walked around town for a few hours. He then stopped by his parents’ place, waited for his dad to leave the house before he went over to knock on the door and see his mom. He didn’t stay a long time, maybe some twenty minutes, dodging questions about school cause school was hell and he didn’t want to worry his mom like that. It wouldn’t achieve anything except worry her, it wouldn’t change his dad’s mind. Instead, he did his best to focus the conversation on his mom, making sure she was okay.
He asked her not to say anything to his dad and before he left he promised to stop by next time he had a chance to do so.
He didn’t tell her when that would be, or where he was staying. Staying at Miss Jean’s was a privilege, another thing he didn’t want to risk losing.
*
He made it in time for dinner. Miss Jean had a nice meal prepared, desert too. Adam missed that home cooked shite. So he played nice. He appreciated everything they were doing for him and he didn’t want to screw it up. That was the only thing he learned from the entire experience. When things are looking up don’t screw it up.
That’s why when the new kid and Miss Jean said they were gonna watch a movie and invited him to watch with them he said yes. Play nice, be grateful, show appreciation, he constantly reminded himself. Plus, movie nights weren’t something that he had experienced before, especially not the family movie night type. He was curious to see what the whole noise was about. And it turned out, it was a whole lot of nice, a type of nice Adam shouldn’t like. But he did. And for that hour and forty minutes, the length of the film, Adam didn’t think about Eric at all. For the first time since that day in the music room, Adam felt like he belonged somewhere where Eric surprisingly wasn’t. And it felt good. Until the movie was over, and Adam retrieved to the guest room and realized how much he missed Eric. More than he ever did before.
*
The new kid made him toast with Nutella for breakfast and a large cup of coffee and asked questions about military school that weren’t too intrusive, but Adam knew he could trust the kid as he already had in the past, so he answered some of the questions, giving away only the smallest of details here and there.
“Eric’s gonna come over later and we’re gonna play video games. Wanna play with us?” the new kid offered.
Adam froze at the mention of Eric. He’d spend so much time thinking about him, about the last two days before he got sent away. He thought about the moment he got in the car, Eric looking at him from across the road. The one final glance before Adam’s heart broke. He thought about how he wasn’t brave enough to walk up to him and say a proper goodbye, one last kiss before the months of loneliness. Something better to think about.
Adam felt guilty for how he left things with Eric. He was too afraid to face him.
“I have a few things to take care of. Maybe next time?”
“Sure,” the new kid’s lips narrowed, giving Adam a look that suggested a whole lot more.
He knew. And at that moment, Adam didn’t mind that someone knew what he needed years to realize.
*
Adam walked again. Took deep breaths. Did his best to stay away. But it soon came time to for him to leave, so he had to go back and get his things, thank Miss Jean and say goodbye.
On his way out of the house was when his plan to leave unnoticed fell apart.
“Adam?” he heard his name in Eric’s voice, and he was the surprise on his face. Adam tried to shake off the sudden turning in his stomach. He decided to play it cool.
“Tromboner,” he returned and walked away, then down the stairs. He said his goodbye, thanked Miss Jean and the new kid, and left.
He spent the entire trip back to the school cursing himself for how things went with Eric.
*
The next time he got the weekend off and headed for Miss Jean’s. he knew that he wouldn’t be able to escape Eric. But he also didn’t expect for things to unravel the way they did.
Miss Jean was the one who greeted him at the door. She let him in, told him to make himself at home before excusing herself to go to the store. Adam should’ve read through it.
The moment he opened of the guest room, it all became clear. He closed it after he entered, immediately turning the lock.
“Hi,” Eric spoke first.
“Hi,” Adam returned. He dropped his bag on the floor and took a step forward. He wasn’t sure what to do with his body, how to stand, he wasn’t sure what to say. He knew what he wanted, what he missed all along. And it was right in front of him.
“Are you alright?” he asked him and Adam was suddenly filled with shock. After everything he had done to him, Eric was still really nice and caring, and Adam wasn’t sure he deserved it. He wasn’t sure he deserved anything that these people had given him.
“Why are you asking?” Adam returned with a question.
“Because you got shipped off to military school and I haven’t heard of you since.”
Adam considered it. He surprised himself by wanting to tell the truth for the nth time since he got sent away. He took a deep breath, his eyes found Eric’s, and he did.
“I’m fine. Military school sucks ass, but I’m fine.”
“Good,” Eric nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re what?”
“Don’t make me repeat it.”
Eric smiled. The tension in his body disappeared and he was suddenly the same way that Adam remembered him.
“About what happened before…”
Adam knew that this would come up. But he didn’t know how to handle it. He had no plan as to what to say, or how to make it right. Not yet, at least.
“Can we not speak of that?”
“Why not?”
Adam didn’t reply. Instead, he offered what he intended to be a meaningful look. In all honesty, he was afraid to talk about it. Eric in his mind, the confident Eric, the Eric who wasn’t afraid to be himself, the Eric who was panting loudly and moaning Adam’s name, the Eric who wasn’t afraid to look him in the eye, and the Eric who wasn’t afraid to touch his fingers with Adam’s during class was the Eric that was getting him through shitty military school. Through drills, pointless runs, boring classes, and especially through cleaning assignments. Adam was scared of losing that.
Or saying all of it out loud.
The best thing he could think to do was to try to change the subject. His choice just happened to be something that would answer Eric’s question, indirectly. Adam only realized it after he said it.
“I need to borrow one of your pens,” he stated, “This one ran out,” he added and reached into his back pocket, pulling out the thin red one he got from Eric, “I need a new one.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Adam,” Eric said, rushing towards him.
A blink of an eye later Adam found himself pinned against the door, his lips against Eric’s. It was the right call.
Kissing Eric was what Adam wanted, what he hoped would happen.
*
“Adam, may I speak with you?”
“Yes, Miss Jean.”
It was still the morning. They were all sat around the dining table, Adam was next to Eric, their knees touching beneath the table. A cup of coffee was going cold in front of him.
He got to his feet and followed Miss Jean to her office. The first thing he thought of was that things were gonna go wrong, but then again, that was what he usually thought of and he was usually correct. But as soon as he started talking to Miss Jean, he realized that his fear was misplaced,
“Is there any other way we could help you Adam?” she asked him.
“No, Miss Jean.”
“Isn’t there visiting days or a number where we can reach you and speak to you more often, without going through such official channels?”
“No, Miss Jean, there isn’t.”
“Well, if you need anything else, feel free to let me know, alright?”
“I will,” Adam agreed.
He felt like the new level of niceness he reached to know was something he definitely didn’t deserve. Not with the shite he’s pulled.
*
“So?”
“Get to the point, Tromboner.”
“When am I gonna see you again?”
“Next month.”
“Damn.”
“I know it’s so long till then.”
“Not really. I have exams this month, so it’ll pass before I know it.”
“I can’t ask you…”
“Wow. What have they done to you over there?”
“What?”
“How did they break you? You’re going soft on me,” Eric mocked him.
“Tell anyone and I’ll bite your balls off next time,” Adam returned, a smile on his face.
“Stop flirting, we’re in public,” Eric said, smiling back at him.
They had this conversation as they were walking to the bus station. Eric was walking Adam off, sharing a few last moments before Adam had to leave for school, their shoulders bumping into one another every few seconds as they walked.
Adam couldn’t believe his luck this weekend.
*
“Adam Groff to the head officer’s office.”
It was almost like a replay of the previous time. Adam was at the same place – the football field, same day of the week – Tuesday, same time of the day – just a few minutes after noon. He was almost certain that it was Miss Jean, or maybe Eric. He was wrong.
“Adam, it’s mom. Your dad is in the hospital for the next few weeks, he broke both his legs on some ice in the school hallway. I need help around the house, and from what we’ve heard, you’ve been behaving very well in school, so we decided that you’re coming home. For good.”
So. So much better.
*
Adam stood in the school hallway, his back against Eric’s locker, waiting. People were passing him in the hallway, barely acknowledging his return. None of them were important at the moment.
Eric smiled when he saw him, completely surprised by Adam’s presence.
Adam didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. They were in public after all, and that was a whole other he needed to figure out.
“Tromboner, you know the drill.”
Eric’s smile widened.
The moment Eric handed him the money was the chance Adam took to pass the note he had written minutes before.
The music room, lunch. And I’ll give you your money back.
*
“I almost killed you dad.”
Adam laughed, something he didn’t do often in the last few years.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“I wanted to get back at him, and I’m not good at that, but I remembered that he hates it when it’s a mess in the main hall, everyone knows that. So I poured some water there to annoy him. But it apparently was so cold that the water froze, so he slipped.”
“I rubbed off on you,” Adam couldn’t help but smile.
“Shut up,” Erick gave him a playful punch on the shoulder.
“Your rebelling is why I’m back.”
“We should celebrate.”
“We’re about to. Just be really loud. Deal?”
“Deal.”