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White.
It has been an awfully quiet afternoon for Donghyuck. The day hasn’t shown any sign of letting the sun peeks through the heavy white clouds adoring its sky. It’s so white, Donghyuck thinks. The snow is in its purest form; glistening white when no one dares to step a foot outside. Perhaps it’s the looming threat of a snow storm, or the gripping coldness, the foreboding silent warning to stay within the warmth of their home. Hyuck’s home for once feels bare without the usual ruckus of his filled-with-too-many-people family. They went out earlier, all of them, right before the sun was even supposed to be up. He smiles a little bit bitterly at the cast adoring his leg. Right. Shin fractures. His heavy sigh bounces off the lonely walls. Hyuck has missed many things. He missed stages and performances, he missed the New Year, he missed the promises he made once he’s becoming an adult. They’re not much, but there are things he have been looking forward to spend with his loved ones and it feels horribly empty when he realizes he can’t do that anymore. He knows it was most likely because he missed his boyfriends like hell, but there’s nothing he could do anyway. He can’t remember how many times he has to force the bubbling feeling of emptiness within his chest aside (a lot, probably, but he always believes there’s no use in dwelling about numbers). Only the warm ceramic mug that notices the tightening of Hyuck’s grip within the empty spaces.
Hyuck’s phone lies on top of the drawer in his room, untouched. He’s a little bit scared to pick up the device, worried that his fingers might slip and accidentally open his social media accounts. He doesn’t think he can survive seeing the boys whose touches he longed for in candid pictures and videos. It only has been a month, but he’s never been one to follow through with a long distance relationship anyways. Sure, they contact each other; text messages are obligations, but calls and video chats were done in hurried voice and short intervals, since they can only be snug in between short breaks. It’s not enough for someone who craves intimate contact, who thrives in long hugs and hand holdings, who sleeps best when being caged in tight cuddles; it’s never enough for Hyuck. And so he left his phone in his room this morning, less he worried about accidentally calling them. God knows what time it currently is in Chile, or how much sleep they have been getting. If he can’t be there to enjoy it with them, then Hyuck can only ensure to let them have the best first day in the far away concert. That means another hard swallow on the growing longing in his chest. The white snow doesn’t help, he thinks, they would have loved the snow.
Hyuck regrets making the cup of coffee he’s still currently clutching within his clasp. He doesn’t even like coffee that much. It’s cold. The white snow. The mug. The tips of his fingers.
Hyuck regrets wearing the thin sweater this morning. It doesn’t ward off the cold. It’s old and no-longer white, a stark contrast to the white glistening snow outside. It’s stained. It smells like Jeno. There’s goosebumps travelling on his skin.
Hyuck regrets turning the TV on. It doesn’t give him any distraction to the heavy pressure within his chest. It makes him look up for channels he should have stayed away from. He tries his hardest to stop thinking about the concert. Them. Their voice. Their touches. His hands feels empty.
There’s a loud thump that wakes him up from his slumber. Hyuck doesn’t remember falling asleep, but the TV has been turned off. The low buzzing of excitement reaches his ears before the soft crying voice. Hyuck can feel a pressure being lifted off his chest a little, his family is home. He sits up on the couch to gouge on what’s happening all around him; his little brother is crying because of God knows what, the loud thump was his dad who dropped an apple from the grocery bag, the low buzz of excitement was just his other siblings in the prospect of lunch.
“You guys got home early?” Hyuck pipes up confusedly because they’re not supposed to be home until much later. His mom giggles while his dad just rolls his eyes playfully, marching off to somewhere in the vicinity of Hyuck’s room.
“Here,” his dad gives Hyuck his phone which keeps vibrating non-stop. Perhaps it is actually much later than he imagines and the concert is done long ago. “Your boyfriends keep calling us because they can’t get a hold of you.” The deadpanned voice only half successfully conceals the amusement behind his dad’s tone. Hyuck is surprised at the explanation, though, they never call his family even when they can’t reach Hyuck. That will just result in getting everyone to a panic state.
Hyuck carefully opens his phone only to be assaulted with countless of missed calls and messages, not only from the boyfriends but also from Johnny, Doyoung, and Taeyong hyung. Yeah, okay that is bad alright. He’s definitely in for a scolding.
“Hello?” Hyuck says carefully after his call is picked up before the first ring even ends. No one responds to him until a collective of relieved sighs are heard.
“Are you okay?” Jeno. Hyuck winces at the stern tone. Jeno rarely gets mad at him.
“Yeah, of course, I left my phone in my room and feel asleep for a few hours.” He tries to answer nonchalantly because he’s still not sure what he did wrong either. As far as he knows, he hasn’t even done anything meaningful today.
No one says anything after that. The silence hung over them until it turns stale. “Uh, how’s the concert?” Hyuck tries once again to break the awkward tension.
“Let me talk to him.” Renjun’s distant voice can be heard before it becomes the only thing that fills his audio sensory. “Hey…” Hyuck unintentionally releases another relieved sigh. He hasn’t thought he had missed Renjun’s voice this much.
“Hey…” Hyuck answers somewhat shyly, which is absolutely ridiculous because they have been together for too long for him to get shy all over again.
“I’m sorry we freaked out a little bit earlier. We tried calling you for so many times but you didn’t answer, and when we tried calling your mom, she said you’re home alone.”
Renjun’s voice is cut by a worried Jaemin, “We were scared something happened to you when no one was there.”
Hyuck smiles at the annoying flutter within his chest. It’s warm, he suddenly realizes, he’s warm. The winter be damned, the abandoned and now cold cup of coffee be damned, the soft but thin sweater be damned, he’s talking with the three people he loves more than life itself and he’s warm. God, he’s so, so, warm. He tries to force down the screaming longing within his being. It aches. It aches a lot. He misses them so much.
A forced giggle turns to a small wet laugh then turns into a choked sob. Hyuck hates how easy he crumbles down.
“Don’t worry, I’m okay.” Hyuck forces himself to say. It’s true, though; he’s okay once he can hear their voice again. It’s just hard to breath for a moment, let alone talk. He just wants to book a ticket and fly over to wherever his boyfriends are; forcing them to accept his hugs and kisses. “I miss the three of you so much, so much.”
“We’re not in any better state than yours, Hyuckie. It feels a lot like losing a limb.” Jeno’s voice comes through the line softly, quietly.
Nana lets out a soft bitter laugh that makes Hyuck’s heart clenches. He just wants his boys to enjoy their day, and yet he only makes them worry by going offline for almost an entire day. “We’re not gonna be panicking this much if we’re not in the exact same state of you, baby. It’s a simple fracture; we know you can walk for fuck’s sake.”
And that what hits Hyuck so much. Of course, they’d miss him just as much, if not more. How much more stupid can he be to be thinking about how they won’t feel as lost as he is feeling. They’re in this together, have been from the start, and won’t exactly stop in the near foreseeable future. They need him as much as he needs them.
“Before we can see you daily and regularly, don’t you ever dare go mute like that ever again, Hyuckie.” The threat coming from Renjun brings a semblance of normality into their conversation. Hyuck laughs happily, contently.
“Promise. I love you, the three of you, absolutely and irrevocably. And I miss holding the three of you so much that I won’t let you go for hours once I come back to the dorm again. I’m sorry for thinking that I’ll disturb your excitement for the first day of the concert with my emotional baggage.” Hyuck says jokingly, mockingly, and seriously.
“Stop being soft, you dumbass, you’re going to make me cry.” Renjun’s loud voice sounds distant; perhaps he’s getting ready for bed already. Hyuck grins at the image of Renjun being wrapped in some big fluffy blanket of whatever expensive hotel they’re staying in. He wishes he can be there to kiss him good night.
“Apology accepted, Hyuckie.” Jeno’s sweet voice once again takes over the phone call.
“What time is it there?” Hyuck asks again, voice turns soft with the comfortable and familiar ambience his boyfriends always bring.
“Two in the morning.”
“You guys need to rest, you still have another performance tomorrow.” Hyuck scolds them lightly, concern adorning his voice.
“Good night, Hyuckie…”
“Get well soon, faster, a lot faster. Come back here with us.” Renjun’s words slur when he’s sleepy. Hyuck smiles at the adorable habit.
“He means we love you and we miss you. So much.” Jaemin clarifies.
“I know. Good night, Jeno, Renjun, Nana.”
“Don’t forget to watch our performance today.” Nana says again.
“Of course, I won’t miss it for the world. I love you.” Hyuck ends the call before any of them could respond anymore. He knows they won’t get any rest if he doesn’t end the call.
He grins to himself when his mother looks at him pointedly from their kitchen, a silent message passes between their gaze.
Better?
Much.
How can he not be? The snow is falling once again outside. He thinks his boyfriends would really love to play in the pure glistening white snow today. He clutches the newly warmed cup of coffee between his fingers and let the thin sweater clings to his skin. It’s still not enough, but Donghyuck is warm.