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It pulsed in Leo Manfred’s head, choking out his sense of reality. Every time his heart beat, he could feel a stab of pain behind his eyes. Sparks of white light flashed in his vision like a thousand white hot stars, and he wondered how long he could lay there.
How long had he laid there already?
His mother used to have headaches, too, and he was no stranger to them. For years he’d suffered them, especially in his teenage years.
This was no normal shitty headache. Since he’d gotten off red ice, Leo had found it increasingly harder to go any length of time without one hitting him. The doctor said it could take months or longer for his blood pressure to even out, but had suggested he not take medication for it at his age.
He should have pushed the issue, but the last thing he’d wanted at this point in his recovery and treatment was to be considered a drug seeker. No, he’d have to tough this one out. He had some light prescription painkillers, but all they’d done was made his head fuzzy. It didn’t make the pain go away, it just made him give slightly less fucks about it.
Perhaps another tablet or two would do it, but they were rationed from a dispenser and on a time lock. He wanted to be mad about that, wanted to scream that he was trying so fucking hard but he didn’t think he had the right.
This is my fault. He’d managed nothing more than to tell Owen that he was going to lay down. He'd wanted to ask Owen to help him upstairs to Carl's room, where at least he could maybe lay his head down next to his dad. Even sitting up had caused him to nearly puke, though, so he'd just laid down in the near dark of his room. Carl paid Owen as an assistant for him, not for Leo, and Leo tried to keep that in mind. His father needed the consistency that the android provided, consistency that Leo didn’t know how to have. Not yet.
Leo hadn’t wanted to impose on the android any more than he already had in the last two months. Owen had looked increasingly more sympathetic and Leo didn’t know if it was because he continued to become more empathetic as the weeks went on, or if he’d started to realize that Leo wasn’t a complete shithead.
On a normal day, he’d be studying. His classes weren’t on hold just because he had a migraine. Instead, he lay in his dark room, trying to make it as quiet and dark as possible. Every time he moved, even a little, his head exploded with pain. He wanted to cry but it would hurt even more. Even breathing hurt, and he could only draw shallow breaths.
He heard a tapping at his door, and fought the urge to groan. The vibration would hurt even more. “Go away!” he tried to say, but the words didn’t make sense even to him so how would they make sense to anyone else?
The door cracked open slowly, and Leo wanted to curl up on himself. Josh had been going to help him study tonight. Or perhaps more appropriately, more like a date, with a side of studying. They’d slept in the same bed. They’d kissed, once. Leo wanted to kiss him again but he hadn’t had the nerve to ask Josh, to even find out that’s what he wanted. That had been the last time he’d seen him, a few days ago.
It came flooding back to him, all the things he’d wanted out of tonight. Maybe plan an actual date. Find out if this… whatever the fuck this was… could mean something. Getting to know Josh had been nothing like what Leo had expected.
Leo couldn’t deal with this right now. Why hadn’t he called Josh and told him to not come over?
“Owen tried to send me away,” Josh said, his voice soft and so gentle that Leo couldn’t help but turn towards it, even though it caused a jolt of pain in his head
The starry sparks erupted and he hissed. “Stubborn.”
“You’re one to talk.”
The door closed and Leo could hear the scuff of shoes on the carpet. The mattress sagged as Josh sat on the edge. Leo whimpered at the movement.
“Sorry.”
Leo felt a light touch along his cheek, controlled and gentle. “Is okay.” His words slurred and he just wished the pain would stop. He wanted to ask Josh to hug him, hold him, anything, but knew it would hurt too much. This wasn’t fucking fair.
All he knew how to do was take, anyway, and Josh deserved better than that. Leo wanted to show him things he hadn’t seen before. He wanted to get a guitar again and sing him a song. Or show him all the pages in his sketchbook where he’d drawn pictures of Josh. He wanted to give Josh something, something good, because he didn’t get the impression he’d had that. He just wanted to sit and talk with Josh for hours about anything, everything.
Leo didn’t know how to be good enough for Josh, and he hated that.
“I can go if you need it, but I wanted to know if I could try something.”
The sound of his voice should have put him on edge, the sound of anything at all. Josh spoke soft, clear, and evenly. It didn’t hurt to listen to him, when everything else did hurt. “Sure.”
Josh worked something cold under the back of his neck. An ice pack. It would help already, Leo knew, by reducing the inflammation in the blood vessels. Fingers slipped behind his head on each side, applying small amounts of pressure.
“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Josh added.
Leo let out a hiss of pain. “It’s fine.” It wasn’t fine, not at all, but it wasn’t any worse, either. He tried to let himself relax, tried to let himself take deeper breaths.
Josh’s fingers massaged the back of his head, along his neck, into his shoulders. If Leo hadn’t been in so much pain, he’d have some thoughts for this, but at this point all he could think of was how much he hurt.
The touch helped, though. Feeling like he wasn’t alone. He could feel the pain ebb and flow. As he lay there, the cold pack against the back of his head and Josh’s hands soothing him, he could feel that pounding in his head slow down, hurting less and less.
He let out all his breath in a sigh, feeling like he could breathe again. “Where did you learn this?”
“I remembered you said you get migraines. I looked some things up.”
Leo opened his eyes and found that his vision had cleared enough that he could look up at Josh, who smiled at him. Leo swallowed. “That’s… a lot better. Thanks. I mean, that’s understating it, but…” He sighed. “I suck at this.”
“You’re fine.” Josh’s hands held Leo’s face, his thumbs rubbing at his temples. “You’re still talking to me after finding out I’m a terrible kisser.”
“Mmm.” Leo closed his eyes again, the euphoria of not being in unbearable pain starting to set in. “Practice. And you weren’t bad.”
Josh let out a soft chuckle. “Not bad for my first kiss then?”
Leo blinked a few times, managing to look up at Josh, who looked embarrassed. “Fuck, you didn’t tell me that. I would have tried to… I don’t know… make it better than me being a dumbass.” Clumsily kissing him before Josh left for the night. They had been standing too close, after Leo walked Josh to the door. Leo didn’t know what he’d been thinking that night, except that he enjoyed Josh’s company so much. He loved how they could sit and talk for hours. And he’d loved the feeling of Josh’s lips on his.
He hadn’t been sure what to expect, kissing an android. Maybe he was curious. But when his lips touched Josh’s that first time, all that had left his mind and all he’d been able to think about is how much he wanted to do it again.
Later he’d felt bad, like he’d crossed a line, and he hated himself for that. He’d gone to bed afraid that he’d messed everything up.
“You’re not a dumbass.” Josh took Leo’s hand in his, his other hand still cradling Leo’s cheek. “I’m not entirely sure why you did it, though.”
He’d wanted this to be a good moment, or at least he’d wanted to be capable of talking coherently, but this would have to do. “Josh…” Say it, you moron. “I really like being with you. I wanted to ask you on a date. Maybe dinner?”
“Androids don’t eat.” Josh sounded amused.
“Aw fuck.” Damnit. He’d have to get used to that. “Okay. Movie.”
Leo could feel Josh leaning down over him, and felt his lips touch his forehead. His breath brushed against Leo’s skin. “I’d like that. A lot.”
Leo realized he felt sleepy, the panic from the pain subsiding finally. He wanted to tell Josh about the feeling in his chest, the one that made him feel like he had hope. He wanted to tell Josh a joke to hear him laugh. He wanted to watch him smiling.
Except he was so fucking tired, and felt himself fading out. When he rolled over onto his side to put his arm over Josh’s lap, much fewer white sparks burned at his vision.
“I’ll be here.” Josh’s voice soothed him, and Leo let himself finally rest.