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Baby, I just want you to be mine (woo!)
Won't you give me a bit of your time? Oh, whoa
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop tryin'
Just meet me at the borderline
You want him.
It's not the first time you realize that, especially not when he's in front of you, face blurred by a less than ideal internet connection and still so pretty it feels like you can't breathe properly, like you could disturb the picture just by inhaling and exhaling oxygen into your lungs.
It's intoxicating, the sight of Dan right there on your screen, brown eyes illuminated by the bright light of his laptop and focused entirely on you, listening carefully to your every word, a kind of undivided attention that you’re really not used to.
You feel like you're flying high whenever you talk to him, basking in the flattery that this boy lashes on you so willingly, addictive in a way that you haven't felt before, that you might even be scared of.
You want him, and you can't have him. Someone else has him, and that reminder is the only thing keeping you from pushing too hard, from showing exactly how much his words and his smiles affect you.
Most of the time you can tell yourself that it’s nothing serious - that you’re able to snap out of it whenever you want, stop letting his brown eyes and his dimpled smile be unwelcome guests of your most heated dreams, the ones you keep having even when you wake up covered in sweat and guilt.
Dreaming about him only makes it worse, knowing all of it is a fantasy that you'll probably never have - knowing that while your nights are filled with him, his nights are probably filled with her - in person and not just a concept, a figment of his imagination to keep him company in his lonely moments.
But God, if the dreams aren't worth it.
You play hard-to-get, but I know you want me, too (woo!)
Ain't out here looking for other dudes
So I'ma keep it tight for you, mmm
It’s not like you to stop yourself from dreaming about a pretty boy - from taking yourself in your hand and close your eyes, let your mind wander as you fantasize about smooth skin and a sweet voice, encouraging you to keep going.
It’s unfair, you know it is, but you can’t help yourself. And you try to, you really do.
You try hard to think about anyone else, force yourself to entertain the idea of another guy in bed with you, fucking you, taking you in. It would be so easy to get your pick, you know it, so easy to accept the offers that are sent your way almost daily now, this growing audience made of people fawning all over you.
But you can't. It's almost like your brain won't let you entertain the idea for fear that once you do, you'll lose whatever chance you might have with Dan, however small that might be.
Sometimes you want to. Sometimes you want to parade the presence of another guy in front of Dan's eyes, just to see how he'd react to that, the threat of someone else stealing your attention from him.
You know Dan thinks he's lucky that you want to talk to him, want to get to know him, want him. But in reality, you probably are just as lucky that he hasn't gotten tired of you yet, that he still finds you entertaining and funny and God knows what else, even when you're just being yourself, when you're just being Phil and not the character that you've created for yourself for the online world, the one that is funny and dorky and really out there.
Dan seems to still like you even when you're a more subdued version of yourself, the most honest you let yourself be.
That alone is worth it, the sting of longing that sometimes hits you when you let yourself think too much about what it could be, how good it would be.
Baby, I just want you to be mine (woo!)
Won't you give me a bit of your time? Oh, whoa
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop tryin'
Just meet me at the borderline (woo!)
You could teach him so many things, if only he let you. You've confessed it to him, heart beating fast with the scary feeling of saying something that you shouldn't, of saying just how much you wish that, sometimes, he wasn't taken - how much you wish you could show him exactly the ways you want to be with him.
Dan would be up for it, you know it, he has admitted as much - whispered words in the late hours of the night, tucked away from the outside world in a space that only exist between the two of them and an internet connection, during that time that is neither night nor day when everything feels a little bit easier and also a little bit scarier.
It would be so easy, to believe that it's just words, just the bravery of nighttime seeping between the two of you, the wishful thinking of someone that wants something too much.
You're no stranger to delusional crushes and unachievable dreams, but this, this thing with Dan is something else entirely, growing stronger and stronger with each passing day, each moment you see your smile and hear his voice, each night you go to sleep and dream about holding him next to you.
Because it's not just about lust, and you can admit that to yourself. If fantasies about holding him and touching him are frequent, so are the ones about holding his hand and simply keeping him next to you for as long as he'd let you.
Why should that be wrong?
You're allowed to dream, to keep this feeling to yourself - or between you and Dan, whenever you feel brave enough to share it with him, just to see the sparkling in his eyes as you let him in the fantasy of the two of you together.
You know I'm the wifey type, babe (woo!)
You know I be one of a kind, oh whoa
Once you tastin' my ice cream, I bet you won't ever leave
I know it's hard to believe
Boy, you got me all on my knees
How can you resist letting your mind wander when Dan is talking about how nice it would be to spend time together, in person? How can you stop yourself from believing what he says when he's drunk on sleep and too many hours of your voice, when he whispers that he'd want you back?
You know that it's impossible for now, that these promises that you keep telling each other over and over, these waking dreams that you share with stars in your eyes and broken breaths will one day turn into reality.
Almost dangerous, how much time of your days have been dedicated by the many questions fluttering around your head whenever Dan says he can't wait to meet you.
Would it be the same, you wonder, would this feeling of almost hopeless want be just as strong if Dan was in front of you in person, all soft hair and warm eyes and skittish demeanor. Would his cheek get that rosy patch that you like so much, just from simply standing next to you.
Would he let you near him, would he let you touch him, you ask yourself as you look at him on your laptop screen, clock ticking closer and closer to the new day, the stillness of the night the only company of your conversation.
You can't help yourself but focusing on his lips and wonder how they would taste, how soft they would be.
You wonder if you could taste her on his lips, if he kisses her often enough for the flavour of her to linger, an invisible tattoo that you wants to get rid of, a secret fantasy that you will never share.
Seems like I'm coming on strong
But I don't want this time to pass (woo!)
I know you got a lot of chicks hollin' at you
But I bet they cannot last
“Sorry, I have to take this,” Dan says suddenly, his words bringing you back from that hidden place in your mind that you seem to have fallen into, lost in your own world of fantasies and doubts.
He looks apologetic, long fringe falling on his eyes and bottom lip caught in between his teeth, a silent request of being excused as his phone rings in his hand.
You can't see the caller ID, but there's no doubt in your mind that it's her. Of course it is, you tell yourself as the Skype call ends and you are left alone with your own thoughts.
It's weird, how easy it is to forget that she exists when Dan is giving you his undivided attention, making you think that you're the only person in the world that he wants to talk to, making you wish that you could create a bubble for just the two of you to live inside. A bubble where she can't get to him.
“You should break up with her,” you tell Dan over and over whenever he confesses with pain in his eyes that he doesn't love her, that he doesn't know if he ever has, that he feels guilty for keeping her stuck in a relationship that feels more and more often like a fraud. You feel your chest tighten whenever he confesses that he isn't happy.
I could make you happy, you don't say, biting your lips to keep the words from spilling out. What you say is part of the truth, the only advice you can come up with that still hides the obvious reasons behind it, behind why you want him to be free.
It makes you feel guilty, but the nod he gives whenever you say that, the agreement that he will eventually leave her because that's what he wants - that is enough to calm the racing of your heart whenever you think that you've said too much.
You're not so selfish, usually, but you're finding that Dan elicits inside of you emotions that you have kept buried for almost your entire life, blossoms of feelings that have never had the chance to flourish.
Uh, I'm like, you got me so on a chase
Got me feeling so out of place
Think 'bout you all of my days
Wish you'd chew on me like fresh grapes
Whenever Dan leaves for the night it feels like something is missing. Your room feels just a little bit colder, a little bit duller, a little bit quieter, almost like it isn’t the same space you’ve been inhabiting for years.
That’s the effect Dan has on you, this power to turn you upside down in your own head. It should be frustrating, should make you feel weak - and sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s hard to not let the negativity consume you.
But you're patient, aren't you? It doesn’t matter how many times you tell yourself that it would be better to stop trying, to stop waiting around until he’ll be ready for you.
You believe in faith, in the idea that everything has a greater meaning. It’s impossible for you to think otherwise, not when getting to know Dan felt so easy, almost like it was designed to be.
You don’t care about how many more hours, days or weeks you’ll have to wait for your fantasies to come true - in the end, the waiting won’t matter. One day, Dan is going to be in front of you, with his eyes and his dimple and every single thing that makes him everything that you want, and you’ll know it’ll be worth it.
You will stay there, at the borderline of something great, waiting for Dan with your arms open.
Baby, I just want you to be mine
Won't you give me a bit of your time, oh woah
Chasin' you, no, I won't stop tryin'
Just meet me at the borderline