Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are THIS MAD.

You are 8.7 solar sweeps old. You have a number of interests which include such things as STAYING ALIVE, LIVING and maybe even SURVIVAL. When you were younger you aspired to join the ranks of the THRESECUTIONERS, however recently you spend most of your time fighting Thresecutioners instead. This could be considered dramatic irony but you would rather refer to it as your LIFE.

2.7 solar sweeps ago you were talked into playing a game called SGRUB. This game ruined your life in just about eve
ry way possible. It's actually really quite amazing- a fucking work of art painted with a varied rainbow of bullshit and set to a soundtrack cobbled together from a cacophony of your worst nightmares. To make a long story short you are now the LEADER of a resistance against your own government. How you got here is a LONG AND CONVOLUTED STORY that would probably take well over five thousand pages of animated gifs to document. Suffice to say this story was also filled with BULLSHIT and you would rather not talk about it.

You unfortunately suffered a grievous injury some time ago that generously liberated your left eye from your face. Instead of getting a FUNCTIONAL YET COMPLETELY AWESOME ROBOT PROSTHETIC you wear an eyepatch because a human friend of yours (for whom you have never harboured awkward emotions caliginous or concupiscent) told you that it looked "kind of cool!!" and also "sort of like ni
ck fury!"

Whoever that is.

CG: WHAT PART OF 'MAINTAIN RADIO SILENCE' ARE YOU NOT GETTING HERE, STRIDER? I UNDERSTAND THAT BASIC REASONING IS DIFFICULT FOR YOUR FEEBLE SYNAPSES AT THE BEST OF TIMES BUT I MADE THIS ONE PRETTY FUCKING CLEAR. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE? SITTING AROUND TWIDDLING YOUR PALE HUMAN DIGITS WITH YOUR VILE REPRODUCTIVE HOSE SHOVED UP YOUR NOSTRIL?
TG: yeah what you just said there
TG: is basically the fantasy of every human male ever
TG: by which i mean me and john i guess
TG: because everyone else is dead
TG: if i could get my dick up as far as my nose i sure as hell
wouldn't be here getting shot at with lazer guns
TG: shame too
TG: nostril masturbation
TG: totally untapped market
CG: WOW. ON A LIST OF THINGS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT AND DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT IS PRETTY HIGH ON THE FUCKING LIST. WE'RE TALKING INTO GOGDAMNED INTEGERS HERE, STRIDER.
CG: ... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE GETTING SHOT AT!?
TG: with laser guns
TG: thats the real rub here
TG: i could deal with maybe regular guns but i draw the line at this laser shit
TG: i hate watching my wounds cauterize thats just not very romantic
TG: anyways i got caught and there are guns and i cannot fucking believe this was your
TG: oh wait never mind
CG: OH WAIT NEVER MIND, WHAT?

-- tablesturnedGodhand [TG] has ceased correspondence with citizenGogdammnit [CG] --

CG: NEVRMIND WHAT, STRIDER?
CG: ... STRIDER?
CG: STRIIIIIDEEEEER!!!

Your name is DAVID STRIDER but no one calls you that because it would be stupid. You go- cleverly and colloquially- by DAVE or STRIIIIIIIDEEEER depending on how successfully you have managed to aggravate your acquaintance. You used to be a pretty COOL KID. Now you're just kind of an ASSHOLE.

You are seventeen years old and getting shot at with lasers. This is happening because you played a game called SBURB and
the world ended. You used to be able to TIME TRAVEL. You can't do that anymore so instead you just TAKE STUPID RISKS.

Before things all went to shit you used to do cool stuff like RAP and MIX MUSIC and apparently TAKE IRONIC PHOTOGRAPHS. You were also internet famous for your brilliant comic SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF which has been on unofficial hiatus since your apartment building was hit by a meteor. You still draw sometimes- you draw STIRRING PORTRAITS THAT REVEAL THE INNER CONFLICTS OF YOUR FELLOW FREEDOM FIGHTERS. The only reason you are a FREEDOM FIGHTER is because Rose talked you into it you had nowhere else to go it was the right thing to do it was ironic. You're still fond of irony and have taken to ironically dressing like an anime character. This is definitely a conscious choice based on the absurdity of your situation and has nothing to do with the limited but d
ichotomous choices presented by the troll "fashion industry" which is all either T-Shirts or Tron bullshit and you are not ready yet to Be Bruce Boxleitner.

You are still getting shot at with laser guns. This is probably gonna stop in about three seconds, which is cool with you because lasers are pretty tacky.

Karkat's probably yelling STRIIIIIIDER until he's blue-red-wtfever colour on the other end of the line but Dave doesn't care. It's no fun to get Karkat upset ever since he lost his eye and can't do that thing where his pupils go in opposite directions like a fish anymore. Karkat would definitely be upset if he knew what was about to go down here.

She stops the guard's frantic firing with a single word, bright eyed and sharp featured as she peels out of the darkness, cane faithfully at her side click-clacking against the metal floor. Karkat would be upset if
he knew how her teeth glinted in the dim light, that secret (completely creepy) smile she reserved just for Dave Strider. Karkat would have an aneurysm if he knew about the way she sort of swayed her hip out to one side as she retrieved a pair of cracked sunglasses from her pocket.

What was the moron expecting? planning a raid on the most important Law Office in Delta Colony looking for execution records? Shit like that is pretty much asking to run into Terezi Pyrope. She is, after all, one of the most in-demand Legislacerators in the entire quadrant.

Your name is Dave Strider and when you were thirteen you got caught up in a COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATION that ended with you saying something really stupid along the lines of: "yeah sure tz i guess if earth were restored and i were desperate or
something i'd consider dating you. a date. not anywhere nice" You didn't mean anything by it. You were just trying to be a COOLKID like it was no thing to take a girl out and participate in what could be interpreted as a ROMANTIC GESTURE. Cause it wasn't.

Unfortunately, it was Alternia that was restored, not Earth. Now she just tries to kill you- and everyone you happen to personally associate with- on a semi-regular basis and apparently this is definitely "going steady" by troll standards. Troll dating sure is weird!

ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE A
BORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABORT DUDE ABO

Gogdammnit.

But seriously.

Why is that option even up there?

Dave, stop that. It's not getting us anywhere.

Your n
ame is ROSE LALONDE and you shouldn't have to deal with this shit every day.

You do deal with this shit everyday, however, because you feel a heavy sense of unwarranted responsibility buffered by a healthy dollop of guilt and served sauteed with a side of cracking sharp wit and atop your fine tuned intellect. You used to be something of a PRETENTIOUS ARM-CHAIR PSYCHIATRIST. You have now evolved into a HARDENED BATTLE STRATEGIST. Sometimes you doubt that your advice is very good at all- when you played SBURB with your friends four years ago you spent most of your time actively attempting to break the laws of the game's universe which led to some UNFORTUNATE COMPLICATIONS that you secretly fear contributed to your CURRENT PREDICAMENT.

"This better not be about Terezi." Rose sighs, folding her hands in front of her. Karkat's got a mean eyetwitch going on and that's not going to do an
yone any good.

"What was I thinking?" he hisses, dragging a frustrated hand down his face, "Sending Strider on a Gallows run? How stupid could I be?"

"On the other hand," Rose suggests mildly, "He's got the best chance of survival if things do go wrong."

"Not comforting." the troll mutters, eyes pressed shut against the light. Rose finds it unbearably dim on their crappy little ship (the GOOD-ENOUGH-MOBILE), but Trolls don't deal well in the light and half-lit's the best compromise they can manage. Rose slides a gentle hand over Karkat's shoulder and begins nudging him down the hall.

"Fine. There's also a chance- slim as it may be- that you are being characteristically paranoid, insecure and nosy. This might have nothing to do with Terezi. In fact, Dave could be heaving his last laboured breaths as we speak."

"If only," Karkat sighs wistfully, his palm now cupping the side of his face in futile attempt at self comfort.

"Yes, Fearless Leade
r, would not all of our lives be easier without the spectre of Dave Strider hanging over us, taking all the most dangerous missions and usually succeeding? Providing some of our best intelligence? Saving your life that one time?"

Karkat digs his heels against the floor before whirling around, glaring at Rose through his one yellow eye. She expects him to argue with her, snap back some lame defense about how Dave hadn't really saved his life that was just a weird situational thing and he would rather have died than owe anything to that puckered excretion tube. Instead, he casts a stray look about the hallway and asks: "Lalonde. Where the hell are we going?"

Rose smooths down the countours of her skirts, delivering the news with the pause and weight it deserved, "The holo-phone room. John sent a message and wants you to contact him as soon as possible."

John had been away for a long time. Long enough that Rose had turned worrying about him into a daily
chore. Get dressed, fix hair, brush teeth, worry after John. At the sound of his name, Karkat's whole face lights up like a E-Z-Bake Oven at the end of the bake cycle. Well, it lights up subtly and around the edges. His mouth is still set in a petulant frown and his thick eyebrows are still knotted in a heavy line across his brow, but Rose has had the unfortunate chance to study the troll for more than a few years now and she can tell that he is elated by the news.

"Oh," Karkat replies simply, "I wonder what that moron wants."

-- citizenGogdammnit [CG] contacted ectoBrigadier [EB] --

EB: hi karkat!
CG: GOGDAMMNIT EGBERT. WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PIRATE HAT!?
>EB: i'm captain today!
CG: IT'S ANSWERS LIKE THAT, EGBERT, THAT MAKE ME WISH DEEPLY AND WITH ALL MY PATHETIC, DISEASED SOUL THAT I HAD NEVER CHOSEN TO MAKE CONTACT WITH YOUR VILE SPECIES. THAT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER TO ROT AWAY ON THAT DAMN ASTEROID IN THE VEIL, VICTIMS TO GAMZEE'S FUCKED UP SLIME WITHDRAWL. WHY, JOHN. WHY ARE YOU CAPTAIN TODAY?
EB: uh
CG: NO. DON'T TELL ME. I'M SURE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH A REWARD FOR HOW WELL YOU PERFORMED SEXUALLY LAST NIGHT. IN LIGHT OF SUCH A REVELATION I PRETTY MUCH WOULD BE TOO SICK TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE. IT WOULD BE AS IF YOU'D PUT A FILIAL PAIL OVER YOUR HEAD AND PLAYED A JAUNTY FUCKING ROYAL ANTHEM ON IT. WITH YOUR BONE BULGE.
EB: gee, karkat. i don't know why you always bring stuff like that up. it always makes you so upset.
CG: YES, IT MAKES ME UPSET WHEN ALL MY FUCKING ACE IN
THE BUCKET GOD TIER PLAYERS LEAVE TO GO SEE HOW MANY CORNERS OF THE GALAXY THEY CAN HAVE HIDEOUS, UNIMAGINABLE ALIEN SEX IN.

EB: c'mon karkat. you know it's not really like that. vriska and i are doing some important things out here in the rim.
CG: YEAH, OKAY. I'M SAYING SOME THINGS I MIGHT NOT MEAN. IT'S BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
EB: oh? are rose and dave doing okay?
CG: ROSE IS FINE AND LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT DAVE FUCKING STRIDER. IF I NEVER HEAR HIS NAME AGAIN IT WOULD BE AS IF A CHORUS OF COPULATING ANGELS WERE BEATING A RHYTHMIC LULLABY STRAIGHT INTO MY HEART EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY.
EB: dude, that's kind of intense.
EB: i, uh. didn't know that you felt that way about dave.
EB: i mea
n, he's a pretty cool guy and everything but...
CG: HA HA, JOHN. YOU ARE SUCH A TRICKSTER. I AM ROLLING AROUND ON THE FUCKING FLOOR LAUGHING SO LOUD THAT I JUST TURNED INSIDE OUT.
EB: that's pretty cool! trolls must be really tough if you're not screaming in pain from all that exposed gooey flesh and nerve endings!
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY. ROSE SAID THAT YOU HAD A MESSAGE FOR ME.
EB: oh yeah, um. i might have a few for you soon!
EB: vriska's out right now investigating something on this planet we came across. i'm not sure what it is- she hasn't explained things to me really clearly. you know how she is.
CG: YES, I DO. SHE'S A PSYCHOPATH AND I WISH YOU WERE FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HER.
EB: i meant more like how she doesn't like to talk about her "irons in the fire" until she knows they actually amount to something.br />EB: she's not a psychopath, karkat.
EB: she's just misunderstood. you must know that too since you didn't leave her behind in the incipisphere.
CG: NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING. THE ONLY FUCKING REASON SHE GOT A FREE PAST IS BECAUSE YOU LOOKED LIKE SUCH A GOGDAMNED ABUSED MUSCELBEAST ABOUT IT AND NO ONE ELSE COULD SAY NO TO YOU.
EB: oh right. it was everyone else. certainly not the great karkat vantas showing an unusual moment of caring and compassion when he is usually so cold and ruthless.
CG: COMPASSION IS FOR THE WEAK AND THE CULLED. I AM MADE ENTIRELY OF HATE AND MORE HATE.
EB: whatever you say, karkat.
CG: GOGDAMMNIT EGBERT DO YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME OR NOT!?
EB: oh. i was, uh, just enjoying talking. we haven't talked in a long time. i missed you.
EB: and
this news is both bad and good. i'm not sure what to do with it myself.
CG: FUCK. STOP LEADING ME ON LIKE THIS. WHAT IS IT!?
EB: we uh.
EB: we found out where they're keeping Jade.
EB: karkat?
EB: you still there, karkat?
CG: WHAT.
EB: but we're not sure if it's a good idea to go rescue her just yet. it's complicated and i don't really want to talk about it over the holo-phone. i just though you should know.
CG: FUCK.
EB: yeah. do me a favour and don't tell rose and dave yet.
EB: i don't want dave to do something stupid.
CG: EVERYTHING HE DOES IS STUPID.
EB: anyways, i have to go now! it was good talking again, karkat!
EB: give my best to everyone!
class="karkat">CG: FUCK THAT SHIT. DO IT YOURSELF, YOU LAZY ASSHOLE.
EB: ha ha ha, okay karkat. bye.
CG: JOHN, WAIT!
EB: yeah?
CG: ... I MISS YOU TOO.

-- citizenGogdammnit [CG] ceased correspondence with
ectoBrigadier [EB] --

That was a stupid thing to say.

Jegus, you're so alone.