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Pillar. That’s technically what Johnny is to the group. The definition literally means a person or thing regarded as reliably providing essential support for something or someone. Johnny can confidently say he is a pillar in NCT. It’s a double-edged sword though. He feels like he can be there for everyone else, but shouldn’t have them worried about him. Which is why he wasn’t about to tell them about the recurring headache he’s been having for weeks. Or the fact any fast movement had him blinking to regain his vision. Definitely not the fact he lost 10 pounds in less than two weeks. If you ask him what’s happening, he wouldn’t answer because a) he doesn’t want to worry anyone and b) he doesn’t even know either.
He’s been used to headaches, even migraines for most of his life, but he starts to notice it was abnormal when after practices that no matter what he did to try and relieve the pain, it wouldn’t go away. It never went away. It was either a dull, bearable pain that he learned to ignore or sharp waves of pain that had him clenching his fists and jaw to not cry. It’s become a skill trying to hide all this. His worst days was when the pain was radiant; stemming from his head to his shoulders and chest. He never felt so much pain in his life and he knew it was abnormal.
Every day has been a constant system of pills, heat, sleep, and repeat. Granted, he hasn't been able to get much sleep as of late. He's still been taking care of everyone the best he can. it's been a massive struggle, trying to play along with the screaming members with a massive headache is never fun or successful.
He's started a system at this point. He labels his pain at a 1 through 10 scale; 1 being the lightest headahce and 10 being unbearable. His average day is usually a 4 or 5, so he's learned how to function between 1 through 5, sometimes 6. Once it passes 7, that's when things start getting out of hand. He either wakes up knowing it will be a bad day, or it hits him out of nowhere. He's never had it be a 1 or a 10 pain. He's grateful it's never been so bad, but it's never been a 1. On 7 to 9 days, he tries his best to still be there for everyone while nursing his terrible headache. He took meds, hid secret pain patches on his neck, or just tried to focus on something other than the blasting pain in his head and neck. That was another problem. Every time he got a really bad headache, it radiated. It would go from just his head to his shoulders, spine, chest, and one time it even hurt in his arms. Whenever it hurt like that, he would lock himself in his room after making sure everyone was taken care of. He would lay there with a heating pad and noise proof earbuds on with nothing playing. Just relieving silence, heat, and darkness. Despite all of this, he's gotten pretty good at hiding everything. If he could pinpoint a moment where he noticed things starting to unravel, he knew where to start.
“Alright, guys, a couple more run-throughs and we’ll be done for the night.” Their coach says and Johnny gets into position again. They were doing an end of the year mashup of their songs and his head was behaving at the moment. They got through part of Limitless and Regular just fine, but as they started practicing Cherry Bomb he felt the start of pain in the back of his head near his neck, where it always starts. He grits his teeth and kept going, ignoring the small waves of pain that would soon increase. They got to the end of Cherry Bomb and he lets his body fall back to perform the near-ending move, but at that exact moment a flash of blinding, white-hot pain hits him and he lands on his head. He feels only pain for what seemed like minutes but probably only seconds, trying to recover and keep dancing before someone holds him down. He panics for a second, but a soft voice floods in.
“Stop, don’t get up too quickly. You hit your head pretty hard.” A cool towel is being placed on his neck and forehead. His vision is swimming and he can only see the shadows surrounding him. Others are talking but it all sounds like white noise.
“...? Can you hear me?” Johnny finally gains his bearings and notices his head is on Ten’s lap with Taeyong and Kun squatting in front of him, Doyoung and Taeil avidly talking to the dance coach while everyone else stands around, concern etched on their face.
“I’m here, sorry.” He says hoarsely in English, not coherent enough to translate, taking the bottle Kun gave him and lets Ten help him sit up to drink. The water soothes his throat but it's almost impossible to swallow without feeling pain. He quickly turns to grab the towel, dribbling the water out onto it with a gasp, holding his head. Kun pats his back and is filled with more concern.
“We’re gonna get you checked out, okay? It’s just going to be a small hospital trip.” Taeyong says but Johnny can’t process, brain feeling like a puddle. Ten translates to English for him and at that, Johnny’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, instantly regretting it as pain rushes through him. Ten holds his hand, sensing the motion hurt him and receiving a tight squeeze back. Ten helps him sit up, leaning against Ten's front with his head resting on Ten's shoulder.
“N-No. I promise I’m fine, just a little shaken up.” Taeyong and Kun go to protest but Johnny cuts them off
“Trust me, please… if anything is wrong I will tell you.” He says and the other two look at each other, uneasy until Jaehyun steps forward
“I’ll keep an eye on him. I’ll make sure he’s fine and if he lies…” Jaehyun sends Johnny a look, “I will make sure to tell you guys as soon as possible.” Taeyong groans in his hands, then reluctantly nods.
“Okay fine, but no more dancing for the night.” Taeyong warns strictly, and Johnny knows that’s an order. Jaehyun and Lucas help him up and he almost stumbles, which Lucas catches him
"Woah there..." Lucas says with worry laced in his words. Johnny chuckles, albeit painfully, before righting himself and waving his worry off.
"I'm fine, just caught on my shoelace" He smiles, then walks over to the couches to follow Taeyong's orders.
“Hyung, are you sure you’re okay?” Jeno asks as Johnny sits down next to him, the younger currently sitting out until it was his turn. What was Johnny supposed to say? Yeah, I’m fine! These headaches have been recurring for a while now and I'm genuinely getting freaked out about it?
“I’m sure, I’ll probably have a bump like you see in cartoons. It’ll have its own hat!” Jeno giggles with his smile, so that answer suffices for Johnny. The wave of hot pain isn’t happy, but it’ll have to deal with it.
-
It’s been a couple days and Johnny was currently staring at his reflection in the mirror. His headache wasn’t going away, and looking at himself he could see he was insanely pale and clammy. Nothing makeup couldn’t fix, but he is getting scared. Despite that, he can’t ever reveal how he was doing. Why should he bother anyone? He weighed his options: Tell them which will effectively stress them out but he could finally get help getting rid of these headaches, or not tell anyone and live with this for however long it lasts. while debating this, he was trying to ease his nausea after eating, but he couldn’t win as he rushes to turn to the toilet to puke. He’s barely aware he forgot to lock the door, but him puking and the increasing pressure in his head was too much of his focus right now. He hears the door lock and is confused, but feels a hand on his lower back. He tries to get up to tell this person to leave, that they can’t see him like this, but another wave of nausea hit and he keeps puking. Once his stomach felt he has puked enough, he lays his head on the cold, adjacent wall. The person flushes for him and gets a wet washcloth to wipe his forehead then mouth. He finally cracks his eyes open to see Yuta throwing the washcloth in the laundry bin then turning to Johnny.
“C’mon, let’s get you up.” He says in his impossibly caring voice. Johnny slowly gets up with help, profusely stating he was okay before Yuta cut him off.
“It’s okay, only I know you’re sick right now. You don’t have to lie to me” Yuta comforts him before giving him a piece of mint gum, knowing brushing his teeth might trigger another wave of nausea. Johnny takes it gracefully with a small thank you, willing the pain in his head away as he chews the mint stick.
“I’m being honest when I say I don’t know what’s going on, Yuta. My head’s been killing me...” The older sighs, rubbing his forehead and biting his lip in frustration.
“Chew the gum, not yourself, silly” Yuta says before nodding and processing his words.
“Look, once we’re done with the end of the year performances, we should have a small break. Relax and try to get whatever it is checked out if it keeps occurring, okay? How long has whatever this is been happening?” Yuta asks, gently massaging his shoulders.
“On and off for over a month now. I have a 1 to 10 system on the pain. It's never been a 10, but it's also never been a 1...” Johnny says sheepishly, looking down as Yuta gasps.
“The moment you step off that stage, I will drive you to a clinic myself if I have to. This isn’t okay, Johnny. You could be seriously hurt… oh my god, when you fell and hit your head. That probably didn’t help anything. Good lord Johnny... and it's never been a 1?!” Yuta says stressfully, rubbing at his forehead. Johnny’s breathing started speeding up, gripping his sweats with hot tears threatening to spill. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid. He now was stressing Yuta out, adding on to his insane pile of stress and priorities. Then what happens if everyone else finds out? Then he’ll feel so much more of a burden.
“Johnny, don’t give yourself a panic attack. It’ll make it worse on your head” Yuta gently comforts him, rubbing his hand to try and calm him down.
“Just… p-pretend this didn’t happen, okay? I don’t want to burden y-you” Yuta stares at him for a couple seconds before enveloping him into a tight but gentle hug, rubbing his back.
“You’re never a burden to me or any of us. We all have struggles, just accept it. You aren’t invincible. I worry because I care. We all do. Now please, let me help you. I will keep it between the two of us, okay? You just have to promise me you’ll tell me if it gets worse, or if it gets to a 10. Also, please just let me know when you're having an off day so I can make sure the others can go easy on you without drawing suspision..” Yuta practically pleads the last part, moving away to hold his pinky out. Johnny hesitantly intertwines their pinkies with a small smile, Yuta smiling gently at him.
“Now let’s get back before the others start barging in with questions, okay?” Yuta smiles then the two take their leave, Yuta heading to the kitchen and Johnny retreating to his room. Taeyong sits up in his bed with a smile as Johnny got ready for bed.
“I made you some tea. I was making some and figured you’d want some.” The leader smiles and Johnny can’t help but smile back.
“Thank you, Yonggie.” Johnny takes the cup and takes a sip as a flash of hot pain radiates and he flinches, dropping the cup and jumping backward.
“Holy shit…” He mutters as Taeyong also jumps, leader instincts kicking in and carefully leading Johnny from the broken ceramic, cleaning the mess up with a trash can and towel.
“Was it too hot? I’m sorry hyung, I thought it cooled down enough. I should’ve checked again or warned you” Johnny struggles to translate then protested.
“No Tae, it’s okay! I just bit my tongue somehow and flinched. It wasn’t the heat.” He says softly and helps clean, hiding the fact he was shaking and struggling to stand. He still has no clue what was happening, and he briefly thinks Yuta has a right to be worried as he looks down to his red, tea-soaked hand, yet feels no burn - only tingles.
-
“NCT, you’re on in 5!” A stage worker yells into their dressing room, spurring all 18 of them to get up and do some finishing touches to their looks. Johnny stares at himself in the mirror as he fixes himself up lightly. His headache was at a level 9 today and any loud noises have been setting him off, but he just has to power through. The set stare at his head made it known Yuta was serious about him getting checked out later. He sighs the anxiety off and heads out with the rest of them. He ruffles Jisung and Chenle’s hair to loosen them up, checking on the others briefly before standing at his position side stage to wait for his turn.
Mark heads out first and slowly they all filter onto the stage, performing one of their songs. Johnny moves along with everyone like muscle memory, the lights and sound piercing his head. This is one of the only times he’s ever been glad to have fewer lines, as he could just focus on looking normal. He squats next to Sicheng and Jungwoo at one point during the choreo and notices the two were glancing at him with concern. Fuck… they could tell. He can’t fuck this up anymore that he probably has. He takes a deep breath and jumps up to keep up with the choreo, giving his all. The show seems to go on for hours, the pain was radiating farther and harder. It felt impossible to stand. He feels like he weighs thousands of pounds right now. He wants this to be over so bad. He did his “flip” during Black on Black and of course, slips, but Kun and Jaemin nonchalantly right him out before they continue the choreography. Just a little more…
He keeps dancing his heart out and gently cheers as they crowd the floor camera for the end of Black on Black, signaling the end of the performance. His ears and eyesight are fuzzy, he feels like he's drowning, but he feels himself being drag off stage so the show could continue. It feels unbearably overheated and he can’t make out anything, struggling to just get his bearings. He could hear his increasing heartbeat and feel the flaming hot pain in his body, wanting to curl up and let the pain consume him. It's never been this bad, and he faintly knows he's really overdone it this time.
“Johnny you did it, you’re done. Sit down, relax for a bit… Johnny?” Johnny looks over to Yuta, who is lightly tapping his shoulder. Thank god it isn't my head.
"Y-Yuta..." He slurs incoherently, everything hitting him all at once.
"Johnny I need you to focus on me. It's just you and I. How bad is it right now?" Yuta asks quietly, and Johnny can't hang on any longer.
"S-Sorry..."
"Sorry for what?" Yuta asks, turning to try waving over someone for help.
"it's not a 1-10... w-worse"
"Worse than 10?! Johnny? Johnny!!" is the last and only thing he can make out before the bright pain turns dark as he falls to the floor.
-
“Johnny? Johnny!!” the whole dressing room turns to see Yuta screaming at Johnny before the older goes limp, falling to the floor. Yuta struggles to catch him but Lucas and Jaehyun quickly help to catch him, Taeil running to grab the manager as everyone is shell shocked. No one has ever seen Johnny at this point, not even during pre-debut training. So to see him collapse…
“What the hell happened?!” Taeyong yells as he quickly kneels down, one of the first to move.
“H-Head! His head!” Yuta cries out, trembling and trying to pat Johnny’s shoulder to have him wake up.
“What? When he fell during Cherry Bomb?” Renjun pipes up but Yuta quickly refutes that.
“N-No… he told me it’s been happening longer than that” He reveals and the whole room is silent save for Yuta’s sniffling.
“And you didn’t tell anyone?!” Ten screamed, causing Kun to drag the other away to calm him down.
“H-He told me not to, and I promised h-him I would take him to get help after t-this, but he said it was w-worse than a 10 and he's never g-gotten that bad” Yuta said softly, focusing on Johnny.
“How bad has it gotten? Do you know?” Doyoung asks, brows furrowing in worry.
“He always downplayed it… I caught him t-throwing up and crying because of h-how bad it was for him. He said he w-wouldn’t tell anyone because he didn’t want to b-burden anyone. L-Like I said, he told me it's n-never been worse than a 10, but it's never been a 1.” The room goes silent again, some of the younger ones now sniffling.
"Medical is here” Taeil breaks the silence as he comes in with the med team. They start to load him up on a stretcher, taking blood pressure and heart rate levels.
“Hold him down!” A medic yells as Johnny starts convulsing, Doyoung and Taeyong moving to cover the younger’s eyes to shield them from the scene. The medics inject him with something and time his seizure, temporarily turning him on his side while quickly rolling him to the ambulance. The manager runs in, panting and trying to settle everything.
“Everyone stay here for now. Taeyong, Ten, and Yuta can go now. Once a VIP waiting area is set up, we’ll let everyone go” Kun had just brought back a red-eyed Ten back, who silently nods and joins Taeyong and Yuta. The three follow the medics and manager, getting in the van to follow the ambulance.
It felt like hours after arriving and having to wait. Taeyong was pacing around as Ten spaces off and Yuta tapping his foot nervously. The tension was thick as they’re insanely worried about their best friend, their pillar. The others had arrived at some point, various talking and sniffling filling the room.
"He said he was sorry." Yuta rasps out after a while, turning everyone's heads.
"Sorry for what?" Jungwoo asks, currently baffled at the implication.
"He said sorry for having headaches. He said sorry for hitting his head. He said sorry for getting sick. He even said sorry for passing out. He said sorry for everything. Yet... there was never a need for him to apologize, but he profusely did so. If anything, I should've apologized for not helping him enough." Yuta ends his rant in tears, letting Taeil rub his back gently.
"You're right... He never needed to apologize, but you were also listening to him and doing your best. You did plan on taking him to get help, right? You weren't ignoring him. Honestly, I think letting him have some time might've affected him physically but he had that safety net. That piece of mind that you knew and were going to help him without making it a colossal deal." Jaehyun says softly, reaching over to pat his thigh.
"Hyungs?" A small voice brings everyone's attention to Jisung, whos sandwiched between Chenle and Jaemin, "Is... is Johnny Hyung gonna be okay?" The question leaves everyone silent, no one knowing what to say. It's Sicheng who speaks up.
"Who knows. We don't know what's going on and from the sound of it neither did Johnny. The only thing we can do right now is support him whether he'll be okay or not. He's been our support for so long, it's only fair we return the favor." Jisung smiles at the response, nodding in agreement along with other various hums. A little after his words of encouragement, the doctor finally comes in.
“I’m afraid I have some not so good news…”
-
Usually waking up to bright light hurt Johnny’s head, along with practically everything else nowadays. Yet, waking up without pain felt so peaceful. It’s been so long that he felt so at peace as he woke up. He looks out the window to see the faint blue of morning, right before dawn. He feels something foreign around his arm and looks to see an IV, taking a look around and finally noticing he was in a hospital, various members scattered around his room. He notices they’re all mostly asleep, save for Taeyong. Johnny sits up slowly and the moment catches Taeyong’s attention, who quickly but smoothly helps him up and provides him with a glass of water. He helps Johnny drink in silence, then helps him get comfortable again.
“You know, for someone who loves helping others, you should really help yourself sometimes” Taeyong breaks the silence, brushing the other's hair from his eyes before tearing up.
“What happened, Yong?” Johnny asks softly despite his gravelly voice.
“It’s a uhh… fuck…” Taeyong mumbles and wipes his eyes. Another hand reaches for him and he notices Doyoung was awake.
“Hyung… your headaches and your passing out was because of a… because of a brain tumor. You’ve had a brain tumor for months.” Doyoung states heavily, trying not to cry as well. Johnny felt cold run through him. A tumor? But… it wasn’t that serious…?
“A-Are you sure?” Johnny’s voice cracks and the two nod.
“This one is easier to remove though, but it’s at a risky spot. Surgery could either save your life or leave you paralyzed.” Taeyong mumbles softly, wiping his cheek.
“I’m s-sorry…” is the first thing out of Johnny’s mouth after moments of silence, shocking the two.
“Don’t you dare be sorry. Did you purposely place the tumor in your head? No, you didn’t. So shush.” Doyoung says wetly, leaning down to try and hug the other.
“Exactly… just let us help you get better” Johnny perks his head up to see Yuta say, reaching over to rub his leg.
“But I’m s-supposed to ta-”
“Johnny… if you say anything else dumb like how you can’t be taken care of or how you feel bad, I will gladly ask the nurse to sew your mouth shut” Ten speaks up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Harsh, but thanks Ten” Taeyong chuckles, causing Johnny to pout. They all chuckle at his look, smiling for the first time that day.
"Everyone wants to say hi. Do you want them to filter in or do you want more sleep?" Jaehyun asks softly, staying back as to not overcrowd Johnny.
"Sleep sounds nice... but if they want to come in then-"
"Johnny, listen to us. This is about what you want. Put yourself first, please. You've been taking care of everyone else for so long. Take care of yourself, and let us take care of you" Yuta says softly, and the looks on their faces say they all agree. Johnny sighs and bites his lip, then looks up shyly
"C-Can I get some more sleep?" He hesitates to ask, but they all smile and nod.
"Don't feel bad for asking for that, okay? We'll gladly let you sleep. You probably need it more than anyone," Taeyong comforts with a smile. "Do you need anyone to stay with you?" Johnny shakes his head, but his eyes flicker to Ten who cackles.
"Okay, you don't want to tell us you want someone to stay with you. Just... please tell us what you want, okay?" Jaehyun ends on a slightly serious note, and Johnny sighs then points to Ten.
"Okay, I'll stay. You guys head back, okay? Trust me with the big man baby." Ten says and everyone chuckles, saying brief goodbyes before leaving the two alone. The two sit quietly before Johnny chuckles.
"What is it?" Ten chuckles along, not knowing what the older was laughing about.
"You said one point you wanted to see the sunrise together. Look" Johnny weakly pointed to the window where the sun was rising. Ten can't help but laugh along before lightly hitting the bed.
"Not like this, you idiot!" The two laugh loudly, then slowly settle down.
"Were you... were you scared?" Ten asks after a while. Johnny nods without hesitation, sighing.
"I was. Every day has been a constant pain for almost 2 months now. It's been unbearable. The pain hurt but so did the confusion to what was happening. I didn't want to hurt or affect anyone." Ten nods before taking the other's hand.
"I'm glad you're here... the doctor said this could've been a whole lot worse a week or so down the road..." Ten turns to wipe his cheek, letting out a loud sigh to get himself back together before turning around.
"We all love you. I love you. We want to see you happy. We want to see you thrive, so a part of that is you taking care of yourself and admitting when you need help, okay?" Ten says seriously and Johnny squeezes his hand.
"I will, I promise. And I'm so-" Ten groans loudly, shaking his head.
"And no more apologies unless it's actually needed. There's no need to apologize right now, okay? Why don't you get some sleep, okay? I'll be right here" Johnny nods, feeling weariness resting on his shoulders. He turns to get as comfortable as he could, still holding Ten's hand. It's a couple minutes of trying to sleep before he looks up to Ten with a pout. Ten, having been on his phone, looks up then laughs softly.
"Unbelievable..." He says before putting his phone down and taking his shoes off, climbing into the spot Johnny pats for him. The two get comfortable before Johnny hums in approval with a sleepy smile, resting his head on Ten's shoulder before succumbing to sleep.
People come in and out throughout the week, filling the room with flowers, cards, and plushies from friends and fans. It's all fine until a couple days in when his headache comes back, limiting his visitors and the blinds were drawn shut. He agrees to the surgery the day after the headache returns after weighing the pros and cons. The week comes to an end and Johnny finds himself wearing only a thin gown, laying on a stretcher with his hair in a thin cap. He’s being disconnected from wires and tubes, his bed starting to roll out of the room.
“Ready, Mr. Seo?” A nurse asks and he nods after a while, trying his best to smile. She smiles and nods back, starting to roll him out of the room and down the hallway to the operating room. He sighs heavily, but a rush of voices break his worries. He looks up to see all 17 of the members in a row against the wall so they could get through, simultaneously cheering him on. As he passed, a member would squeeze his shoulder, hand, or rub his arm in comfort. He overall feels much better as the nurses roll him into the operating room, quickly setting him up and putting a mask over his face.
“Alright Mr. Seo, count down from 10 to 1 please”
“10, 9, 8, 7… 6 . . . 5 . . .”
-
The sun was setting and the room was slowly being illuminated by the moon’s light. It was a silent night throughout the dorms, no one daring to break the silence. No one wants to. The tension was tense, but no one has the will to break it. A knock on someone’s door broke that, the person in the room getting up to open the door. There Donghyuck and Mark stand, a frown on their face. The room owner lets them in quietly, lighting their favorite candle before laying down in his now double bed. He has the room to himself now since… The two get situated in his bed, letting the silence return for a bit before, surprisingly, Mark starts sniffling first.
“It’s been so hard, hyung… so hard. We don’t know how t-to deal with this. We just needed to see you.” Mark whispers and Donghyuck nods in agreement, sniffling as well.
“We just want everything to fix i-itself so all of us can b-be happy again.” Donghyuck confesses, unconsciously snuggling closer to the man in the middle. Heavy silence situates itself in the middle of their conversation, the only sounds being the faint traffic, the candle flickering, and the younger’s sniffles.
“I know guys, but I’m here now I promise. I’ve been getting better. It’s a process we can power through” Johnny smiles down at the two of them, holding the two of them closer with a smile as the three of them slowly fell asleep.
Johnny had a hard time recovering from surgery, trying to get acclimated to literally everything all over again. He had to relearn some choreographies, sometimes forgets certain memories, and has had some things change like his taste buds and his hearing - although nothing terrible. There have been some slip-ups where someone will accidentally scream too loud around him or accidentally throw something at him, yet, he’s still Johnny. He’s still there for other members even though he’s healing. It may take longer until this healing process is a thing of the past, but he has all of his members to help him through everything. He couldn’t ask for anything else in the world.