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The clamor of the crowd was deafening. Blinding lights shone from every direction, casting too many colors to name. It was a familiar scene, at this point; one that has become welcome. Once the thought of thousands of eyes boring into him would have cast him into a panic; but now, standing here, his best friends beside him, he could feel something else. Excitement. Fulfillment. Pride. It was wonderful, strange, and a constant reminder of how far he had come.
But SS was different. This was it. This was the final stage. Really, in the end, this is what it came down to. And he stood there, still, his best friends beside him, waiting as the crowd calmed. There was too much to think about at once- their climactic performance, the terrifying circumstance they’d done their best to get through, and now that everything they could do was done, the only thing left was to wait.
He and his comrades waited. He and his rivals waited. This was it.
Only them, standing on that stage, would've known that feeling. For the end of it all. The final stage.
He felt a different sort of anxiety- one that hasn’t shown up for months- and between those last moments, he voiced that anxiety.
I’m scared, guys, he’d said. Do you want to hold hands?
It was a simple want for human contact, reassurance that he wasn’t here alone, a nonchalant guarantee that those around him felt the same.
He didn’t know how much he needed that guarantee until he felt a warm, sweaty, slightly calloused hand in his.
There, holding hands.
And for one split second, everything had changed. It was a feeling- a small, sort of warm fuzz in the back of his throat and the bottom of his gut; a nervous anxiety completely different from the nervous anxieties he’d been feeling throughout the entire day. The feeling of his hand in his .
Mao’s hand in his .
But after that second, the crowd rushed back, the lights changed, and it was all over.
They had won.
And new feelings he never knew he’d ever feel rushed into him, and he became overwhelmed by the sudden embrace of his dear, precious companions.
And the night went on- celebrations and congratulations, tears and smiles from their families and their well-meaning friends, phones buzzing all throughout the rest of the evening hours. It was sort of magical, being part of that- it was a feeling only the four of them would share.
But after all of that- after the small parties, the never-ending hugs, see-you-at-schools and the long ride home; after the exhaustion slammed him into his bed and all the wondrous feelings of the day fizzled down into a 3am bed-time, he remembered that feeling. Lying in his bed, alone in the dark, ignoring the few remaining buzzes of his cellphone, that feeling came back. The unfamiliar fuzz in his gut, the soft tickle in his throat, a strange excited-nervousness that put a soft smile on his lips. Too drained to think too much about it, he drifted off with only one thought on his mind.
I want to hold his hand again.
☆ ★ ☆
“You died.”
“Eh-Ehh?”
Subaru was sitting backwards on one of Makoto’s broken swivel chairs, leaning both his arms on Makoto’s desk. He has this bored look on his face, yet still somehow his eyes were shining. Subaru pointed at the small handheld in Makoto’s hands and repeated himself.
“You died.”
Makoto looked down and sure enough, there were big bright letters spelling ‘GAME OVER’ staring back at him.
“Ah… Sorry, I was spacing out a bit.”
“Ukki, you can’t be spacing out when you’re beating hard bosses for me! Space out during your own games~!”
“This boss isn’t hard.” Makoto replied, adjusting his glasses and clicking the ‘continue’ button.
“If it’s not hard why do you keep dying, Ukkkkiiiiiiiii..!!”
Makoto laughed in response. The beginning of winter break meant Subaru had to come over if he wanted Makoto to help him with video games (which he didn’t mind in the least). The company was always welcome; especially now.
“I’ve just had some things on my mind, i guess.”
Which, he admits, was getting a little out of hand. It had only been a day or so since SS, and things were slowly getting back to normal. But now instead of staying up all night worrying about a performance, he stays up all night wondering why he can’t stop thinking about…
“Ukki! You died again!”
“Huh? Wh…. Oh… I’m sorry, Akehoshi-kun… Let me go one more time.”
“Nope!” Subaru snatched his little DS out of Makoto’s hands and snapped it shut.
“You have to tell me what’s wrong, Ukki. That was the fourth time you’ve died to the boss that’s ‘not that hard’. Now according to the rules that means you have to tell me why you’ve been spacing out.”
Looking back, it did take Makoto a little while to get used to having friends who worry about him. It took him even longer to get used to his own strength. Nevertheless, he knows the kinds of things they say when they actually mean ‘I’m worried about you’.
Isara-kun would say, ‘I’m worried about you, Makoto.’ And then put a strong warm hand on my shoulder and look right at me with those gentle, genuine eyes and-
“Ukki. I’m serious.”
“Right, right okay… Umm…” How would he word this in a way that made sense if it didn’t even make sense to him ?
“Akehoshi-kun, have you ever… Wanted to hold someone’s hand?”
“Of course I have. I have a boyfriend, Ukki. Is that what this is about?! DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH, UKKI?!” Subaru’s whole demeanor changed so suddenly; now his whole face was sparkling wide with his iconic wondrous smile, staring at Makoto with a matching gaze.
“Wh-what?! No! It-it’s different!” He sounded as confident as he could, but his face suddenly felt really hot and he knew that if there had been anyone else around at that time he might’ve just died.
“Are you sure? I mean… Do you just need a hug? Here give me your hand.” Subaru reached down and grabbed Makoto’s hand without waiting for Makoto to respond.
His hand was warm and a little softer than Mao’s but it… It wasn’t the same feeling. Makoto didn’t know if he was disappointed or not.
“I don’t know, Akehoshi-kun…” He spoke, not taking his hand away. The contact was comforting, and this is his best friend after all. Even if it wasn’t the same feeling as before, it was still welcome.
“Is it someone specific? Or just... ‘Oh maybe one day~ I, Ukki, will hold the hand of a sweet someone~ and they will dance with me and we will smooch under the stars~’” Subaru added a sing-song voice as well as fake dreamy-eyes to this little story, and if Makoto wasn’t the subject he might’ve laughed along with his friend.
“H-Hey..! I said it’s not a crush, Akehoshi-kun… But anyway, um… How do deal with it, do you know? I just can’t stop thinking about it.”
“The first question was important! Ukki, do you want to hold someone’s hand, or some ONE’s hand.” Subaru’s face changed again, this time a terrifying mix of excited and serious, and Makoto knew he wouldn’t drop this as easily as he’d hoped. He should’ve seen this coming, truthfully.
“I think… It’s a specific person…”
“You want to hold this one person’s hand.”
“Well… Y-yes, I guess I do.” At first it felt fantastic, saying it outloud. As if this whole wanting to hold Mao’s hand again was some deep secret he couldn’t share which was weird because it really shouldn’t be a big deal. At least, until Subaru’s next words.
“Yep, that’s definitely a crush.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Yes it is, Ukki!” His smile was wider than before. All Makoto could do was beg any god out there that Subaru wouldn’t ask who, because at this point he thinks he might explode if Subaru thought he had a crush on one of their best friends.
Not that there’d be anything wrong, though, right? He’s wonderful and kind, anyone could-
“No, no no no. It’s not. G-give me the game back, I’m gonna beat that boss.” He snatched the gold DS (which, nothing new, is covered in sparkly glitter stickers) off the table and opened it back up.
That was the end of it. No more thinking about hands OR holding them. Nothing. Video games had always been the perfect distraction, but this time it was hard to ignore that unfamiliar glare Subaru was giving him, like he was peering into his soul and reading the few secrets he had left, that smile still on his face. The only thing that pulled his gaze away was Subaru’s phone suddenly going off, which he responded to immediately.
“Oh, sorry Ukki, important text message!” He said, sliding his phone back into his pocket. “You can continue playing if you want to, but I have to go! I have to meet my boyfriend, who by the way, I hold hands with. Because I like him. Okay bye-bye!” He grabbed his bag and ran out the door before Makoto could comprehend the tone in his last few statements.
He died again.
-
There weren’t enough days of school between the SS and winter break for things to go back to normal. Like, none at all, actually. After something this big it felt strange not to see his best friends every day, and he missed that. Just the normalcy of it all. Subaru had been too busy to come over again, so the days slowly continued with Makoto by himself. Sitting alone in his room playing video games in the dark was once such a comforting past time, but now that feeling felt like more of an excuse. Maybe a distraction. Something to keep his mind off unwelcome feelings.
But are they really unwelcome?
It’d been a few days of fixating on the words Subaru left with him the last time he was here. Makoto didn’t yet know if he was struggling with finding a separate solution, or the issue was that Subaru might be right.
He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to sit in his room in the dark and play video games and pretend everything was okay.
No, no. Not any more. He didn’t need to go back to this. He didn’t need to shut anything out. He’s been through too much this past year to let something like this make him isolate himself again.
Makoto wanted to see his friends.
He stood up, opened the blinds, and did some stretches. Only a few. Hokuto might get upset if he found out Makoto spent the whole break lying around, after all. After locating his phone and ignoring his few mobile game notifications, he typed a small message to the Trickstar group chat.
[ me: hey guys!! you doing anything for new years? my moms gonna be spending it with her coworkers, so i have the house to myself! :3 ;3 ]
[ hokuto : My parents are here.I am going to be spending time with them, sorry Yuuki. ]
[ ~barukun~ : i have plansto o sorry ukki 8((( :’(( ]
[ ~barukun~ : im goign to see natsuem ]
[ ~barukun~: were gonna hold hands ]
[ ~barukun~: a lot ]
[ ~barukun~: ;) ]
[ hokuto : ?? Okay… ]
[ me: oh, ok! guess ill see you guys at school then! have fun hehe~ ]
[ ~barukun~ : aww u lonely ukki? I missu tooooooo xoxxoxooxoxoxo ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩]
[ ~barukun~ : we should plan somethng fun tho forsur e! ]
Makoto was about to lock his phone in defeat when one last buzz caught his attention.
[ mao: oh dude, my sisters having some of her friends over so id be down to hang out if you still wanted to do smtg ]
[ mao: i could bring some snacks? haha ]
[ me: oh! that would b awesome! :3 ]
[ me: if you want to ]
[ me: i have some new games to play too haha ]
[ me: :P ]
Good news, he wouldn’t be lonely on New Year’s again. Bad news, he suddenly has a stomach ache.
It’s not like he and Mao have never hung out alone before, why is he only getting nervous now? He never really got nervous around Mao before, did he? Maybe he’s still thinking too much about the hand-holding thing. Oh well, it would be fine; they’re still best friends and they’d still have fun like they usually do! It had been awhile since the two of them had the chance to just relax and have a nice time. It’s usually Makoto going to his house to study, or Mao staying behind at school to help him practice. Mao’s always helping him, supporting him, telling him he can do anything if he works hard…
Maybe I’ll buy some snacks too. I owe him so much.
Maybe that’s what the feeling is. Overwhelming appreciation. That’s all it is.
Makoto smiled to himself and made a small mental list of all things he had to clean.
Things will be okay, he tried to tell himself, ignoring the lingering ache in his gut.
-
Resting his hands on his hips, Makoto turned to admire his handiwork. He really didn’t remember the last time his room was this clean; wires and controllers put in their place and candy wrappers cleared off his desk. He even wiped down both of his computer monitors. Cleaning was not a habit of his- never has been- but looking at his freshly made bed and carpet he’d forgotten the color of, he really felt good. Maybe taking seven hours out of your day to clean your entire house really was good for nerves. Who would’ve thought, right? Can’t believe I even knew how to do that.
Life’s been good lately. It really has. New Year’s Eve was finally here, and he was very excited to see what these good things would lead to.
After a quick shower, another walkthrough decluttering the house, and a few runs of whatever rhythm game he’d been playing that week, Makoto received a short text message letting him know Mao was on his way. He only had about twenty minutes or so left alone, and he couldn’t really think of any way to pass the time other than sitting on the couch and staring at the menu screen of whatever video game he’d popped in there. Probably the longest twenty minutes of his life.
But eventually, a knock at the door interrupted the television’s soft repeating melody, and Makoto’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest. He really had been spacing out too much lately. He stands up a little too fast and swings the door open. Mao is standing there, his bright face gleaming in the setting sun, a soft smile on his face.
“I’ve been expecting you!” Makoto laughs, stepping aside as to welcome his friend inside the little appartement. Mao slipped his shoes off and walked inside rather quickly, almost dropping this huge plastic bag he had under his arm.
“Geez, it’s cold outside today… But hello, Makoto! I brought some snacks!” Mao let out a tired laugh and walked over to the kitchen counter to set the bag down.
They fell into a peaceful chatter, Makoto pouring them some glasses of water to start and Mao unpacking all those snacks. Combined with the ones Makoto bought also, they had… More than the both of them ever needed, but it’s not like they’d never get eaten, right? Oh man, the lecture Hokuto would give them if he saw them eating all this before school started back up…
“Oh, Makoto! I got you some pocky also. I know you like the chocolate ones but they were on a like mix-and-match sale so I got a few.”
“Wow, Isara-kun… That really is a lot…”
“Well, I know it’s your favorite. I’ll just set it here for you. Just don’t eat them all at once, okay?”
Makoto’s heart felt so… Warm… It was strange, thinking about how only a few years ago snacks and treats like this would be angrily confiscated from him, leaving tasteless vitamin tablets or something. Now he has friends who not only want to share their favorite snacks with him, but also get him ones they know he likes? Just to make him happy?
He’d been getting way too sentimental lately. Probably the holiday.
They sat beside each other on the floor, backs leaning on the couch, and started their little two-person party. It was a lot of bad jokes and Makoto trying is best to play as casually as he could. There was a bit where Mao apologized for getting cheeto-dust on Makoto’s controllers, and Makoto replying nonchalantly that he does that ‘all the time’. It only sounded embarrassing after-the-fact, but Mao just laughed. A very soft, comforting laugh.
The night grew darker, midnight drawing close. They’d barely made a dent in all their snacks, Mao mentioning once that he could probably take some of the sweeter ones to his junior in the student council. Makoto, of course didn’t mind the thought, especially considering that same junior was in his club, too. It’d be a nice little New Year’s gift. Besides, he was already trying not to think about the stomach ache he’d have in the morning. They rested a bit, picked out a movie to watch later, and let the title screen music play a bit more as they wait for the clock to chime.
Makoto felt… Really good. It’d been a really, really long time since he’d felt this safe and happy.
“It’s been a really wonderful year, Isara-kun… I’m excited for what the new one has to bring. Thank you for being here with me.” Makoto spoke genuinely, trying not to get too sentimental out loud. But it was true, he was happy Mao was there with him.
“Oh, you don’t have to thank me! I’m happy to be here too. Today was a lot of fun.” He laughed his sweet laugh again, proceeding to make a face like he was trying not to burp or something. “Though we should probably go on a run or something in the morning.” He gestured to the small bowls and wrappers scattered around them, a little smile still on his face.
Makoto agreed with his own laugh and a nod.
“I think we should all go to a shrine or something soon, too.” Makoto spoke, leaning back on his hands. “Like… The four of us. I’ve always wanted to go with friends.”
And this year you have some.
“I think that’s a great idea! I’m sure Subaru would really like that, too.” Mao yawned, leaning on the couch behind him.
His face looked so gentle and soft. Makoto noticed he’d been staring for a while, but for some reason he didn’t want to stop himself. Everything was so peaceful and perfect in that moment, Makoto’s chest bursting with that same warm feeling as before. What did he ever do to deserve such kind people in his life?
Suddenly, the old clock in the corner of the room chimes it’s first bell, marking the moment they’ve been waiting for. For some reason, though, Makoto stays silent; the chime instead echoing through his full, foggy head. All he can focus on is his own breathing, and how close Mao’s hand is to his and God he wants to hold it so bad. Another chime, and Makoto realizes he’s still staring. Another. Some overwhelming urgency has him leaning closer to Mao… He’s still just… Staring… A fourth chime follows, echoing this unfamiliar ache in his heart, but he’s still leaning closer and closer… A fifth, and although his vision starts to get blurry, he knows he’s still looking at him. His kind face, burning green eyes, soft-looking lips… His head is fuzzy and hot, filled with nothing but the sounds of the next chime (he’d lost count), and a forbidden thought repeating in his head he wouldn’t dare listen to.
I want to kiss him.
Another chime, but he can’t stop. He thinks Mao is looking at him too at this point, but he’s not too sure.
I want to kiss him.
Every cell in his body was screaming that something was wrong but his head was too full to listen.
Hm… His lips are warm.
And all at once the world snapped back and everything warm collapsed like a house of cards.
That one realization felt like his mind was being ripped apart.
He didn’t want to register the look on Mao’s face, just staring back with this… This…
Makoto was up on his feet before he let himself think about what he just did. Every tender feeling before was replaced by an overwhelming panic, the warmth and light replaced by a devastating anxiety he had almost forgotten.
Maybe he had gotten up too quickly though; with his head already spinning he couldn’t stop himself from tripping over whatever was on the ground behind him. The last thing he registered before his vision went black was Mao yelling his name and a hard thump on the back of his head.
-
The sun was bright and warm and the blankets soft and familiar and comforting. It must’ve been morning, or maybe a dream. He thinks he feels a hand carding through his hair, but he isn’t sure.
And then it dawns on him- he’s in his bed. Last night was New Year’s Eve. He hit his head and probably passed out. Right after kissing his best friend.
Oh God, oh no, no...
He didn’t know how to process this. How could Mao ever forgive him for this? How could he still look him in the eyes and call Makoto his friend after he did something like this?
And for those few moments, lying in bed, he wished more than absolutely anything that it had never happened.
Why didn’t you stop?
Subaru being, admittedly, completely right about Makoto’s feelings wasn’t anywhere near the worst case scenario.
He’s going to hate you now. Pretend like everything's okay, knowing you like him, knowing you forced yourself onto him and he’s just going to be uncomfortable around you now and he’s never going to forgive you-
“Makoto? Are you awake?”
Makoto opened his eyes, and Mao was right there; sitting at the edge of his bed with an unreadable expression on his face. Even without his glasses on, Makoto just didn’t want to guess. He didn’t want to look.
God, what do I say. I’m sorry… I’m really so sorry, Isara-kun...
“Are you okay, Makoto? You tripped over your controller and hit your head pretty bad. I wasn’t sure if i should try to take you to the doctor and your mom wasn’t picking up her phone and… I was worried.”
“Ah… I’m sorry… I’m okay, it really doesn’t hurt that bad. I hurt myself a lot, anyway.” That wasn’t a lie, sure there was a little sting but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t ignore if he tried.
“Are you sure? Can you see alright? Oh, oh wait right, your glasses. Here you are… But everything else is okay? Your hearing? You still remember everything? Do you think we should go to the doctor?”
“Mm… Yeah I can hear alright… Nothing’s different.” He said casually, thinking about the conversation they had to have next.
“Wait… What do you mean ‘remember everything?’”
“Well, sometimes when people hurt their heads they forget things. Like… Everything’s still in there, right?”
“I think so…” Makoto gulped. “We were just playing games, right? It’s New Year’s?”
Mao’s face changed, suddenly. It seemed blank and kind of scary. Makoto didn’t recognize the expression on him.
“Yeah,” Mao spoke, finally. “We were just playing games. Happy New Year, also.” He smiled his usual, soft smile, and gave Makoto’s shoulder a gentle pat.
This is fine, maybe. Makoto thought. If he pretends it never happened, maybe Mao will eventually forget about it, too. Things will go back to normal and he can have his best friend like nothing changed.
Crisis averted.
Now all he had to do was figure out how to get over this crush he really, really couldn't deny at this point.
-
The few days that followed were actually pretty good. His mom didn’t say too much about all the snacks in the cupboard, which was a relief, mostly because Makoto didn’t want to hear another lecture about how he should spend his money on ‘more important things’. The Trickstar group chat was still just as lively. Hokuto sharing (read: complaining about) his parents’ holiday visit was a very fun read, considering. Subaru still sent as many emojis as he could fit in a message, Mao still asking how everyone’s day has been, and Makoto still replying too slow to everything. Seemed like the new year would still be steady.
He hadn’t spoken much one-on-one with Mao since he went home that day; after he was absolutely sure Makoto’s head was okay. Makoto himself wasn’t too completely positive he bumped his head very hard in the first place; while that’s totally reasonable considering he definitely tripped, it’s also plausible that he just passed out from stress. Or panic. Either way, things were okay now. School would put everything back to normal. They’d start their practices back up again (especially considering the SS results), the Broadcasting Committee, general school work and everything else would put his life back on track. He can start thinking about that, and less about how wonderful and kind and handsome Mao is.
That was the worst of it, he thought. Once he knew he had a crush, everything started coming at full speed. He thought about him a lot. The way he smiles when he’s stressed but doesn’t want to show it, the way his eyes light up while he performs, the way he always, always helps Makoto whenever he’s feeling down.
The way he’s always made you feel like you’re allowed to be happy.
Really, it’s all okay. Who wouldn’t have a crush on him, right?
And after school starts and you get over it and life goes back to normal, he’ll still be all these things, and he’ll still be your friend.
Things would be okay.
There was still that ache in his gut, though, but for now that would be okay.
Or… So he thought.
He was in the middle of a dungeon mini-boss when he heard his phone buzz two… Three times. That usually meant a text from Subaru, as he wasn’t one to put all of what he needed to say in a single text. Whether it could be important or not, it’s best not to save it until after this level (because knowing Makoto, he’ll get too immersed in the next few levels, and completely forget he had a text to look at in the first place). A break might be good for him anyway, considering it was almost 4PM and he hadn’t gotten out of bed yet. He sat up, wiped his eyes behind his glasses, and unlocked his phone.
[ ~barukun~ : hey guys!!!!!! I thought it was lame that we didnt doanything this whoel break so ]
[ ~barukun~ : i booked a stay for us at this cutelittle inn down south it lokos really cute ]
[ ~barukun~ : its kindafarr away MEET at the bustop tomororw 11a,m!!!!! ✩ ✩ ✩ ✦✧✦✧✪♦♥♥♫♫☂☼△★]
Oh, that explains why he asked everyone yesterday if they all were free over the weekend. It’s just like him to not say anything until now, though. Nevertheless, Makoto was excited. School started back up on monday, and this final hurrah of a good time with his best friends before they all plunge back into work sounded like just what he needed. The next response was Hokuto doing usual Hokuto things, like asking for details on exactly where and what the weather would be like and reminding Subaru to pack his toothbrush (which was actually kind of funny considering Hokuto forgot his toothbrush last time. He’s a little more airheaded himself than he’d ever admit, but that’s probably a reason they all get along so well). No one seemed disappointed or upset at these last minute plans, probably all coming to expect things like this from him. Makoto thought for a minute about how much he loved being part of something as simple as this. He ran through his head a short list of things he needed to pack before realizing he almost forgot to message Subaru back himself.
After standing up, doing a few stretches, and plugging his portable into the wall to charge, an ugly thought began to creep up from the back of his mind.
This would be the first time he’d see Mao since New Year’s.
That really shouldn't be a big deal, right? They’re best friends, he wants to see him. There’s absolutely no reason why seeing his best friend should give him scary thoughts and an ache in his stomach.
Maybe it’s because as much as Makoto tries to pretend that never happened, Mao knows.
He knows, right now, that you like him. This isn’t a secret.
No, no. It would be okay. He’d gotten too far to let something like this ruin a cherished friendship.
You’re in denial
Things would be okay.
Things are not okay.
He didn’t sleep well that night, deciding to tell himself it was just excitement.
-
“I still don’t know where we’re going.” Hokuto spoke solemnly to Makoto, looking at his phone with tired eyes. “I need to tell my parents…”
“Aww~ Are you scared they’ll get worried, Hidaka-kun?” Makoto replied playfully.
“No, I just need them to tell Grandmother. I got her a new phone for Christmas and I’m not sure if she’s gotten used to using it yet. It was supposed to be easier to use than the old one…” He seemed so serious, but spoke with that same kindness in his voice he always did when mentioning his grandma.
Makoto didn’t know how to reply except to just smile. He considering remarking on how the weather was nice, even if it was pretty cold; or worry out loud about whether or not he packed too light. Whatever he was going to say ended up getting lost anyway, as a cheerful, too-familiar voice a little ways a away caught all his attention.
Mao is there, walking briskly toward them; the soft, late-morning light illuminating his features. He looked absolutely stunning, as usual, but there was something about the warm glow in his smile, or the way his hair bounced gently as he approached, or maybe his bright green eyes contrasting the light around him- something made Makoto’s breath hitch. His hands were suddenly really sweaty.
“Hey~ guys!” He greeted them kindly, arriving at the bench where Makoto and Hokuto were waiting. The cold weather wore Mao’s face a little pink, which was almost too cute. He had his small travel bag with him, as well as his basketball varsity jacket (which Makoto thought made him look especially cool). “Good morning!” He spoke again after he caught his breath, smiling down at the two of them.
“Good morning!” Makoto responded casually, after the lump in his throat subsided. See? Things will be okay.
“Strange of Subaru to be late.” Mao noted, taking a seat on the bench beside Makoto. The sweaty hand thing was starting to get a little annoying at this point, and Makoto really hoped Mao didn’t notice him wiping them on his freezing pants.
“Agreed… I hope he doesn’t have anything too extravagant planned…” Hokuto always said stuff like that, but Makoto didn’t miss the friendly smile he tried to hide. He knew they were both just as excited for the weekend as he was.
They sat together for a short while, speaking casually about school and break and various overbearing club seniors until the bus arrived. Was it early? Was Subaru really this late? Makoto was about to pull out his phone to text his friend when the bus screeched to a stop in front of them. There, in the first window, was an unmistakable shining face accompanied by an unruly nest of bright orange. Subaru jumped out of the bus before the doors were even finished opening.
“Ahh~! I’m so happy you all are here! Hurry, hurry!” Before any greetings or good-mornings, he grabbed Makoto by the arm and dragged him onto the bus, glancing behind a few times to make sure the other two were following promptly. His grip was warm, though, and having all of them together finally really did make Makoto feel a little more at home.
Subaru saved all his greetings until they were all safely seated near the back. He hugged each of them enthusiastically, remarking on how much he missed everyone.
“Oh! Akehoshi-kun, before I forget,” Makoto spoke as the bus continued on, “Here’s your DS back. It got glitter all over my hands but I beat that boss for you. I didn’t get any further than that, though. I really like the story in this one and I think you’ll like it too!” He reached into his little overnight backpack and pulled out the sparkling handheld.
“Haha, you only like it ‘cause it’s hard, Ukki!” Subaru laughed, taking his DS back. “But thank you! Did you… You know.... Think any more about what we talked about…?” Subaru’s obnoxious fake winking wouldn't have been nearly as embarrassing as it was if Mao hadn’t been sitting literally right next to him. Makoto could only reply with a stare he hoped wasn’t too frightened-looking.
“Haha… S-sure…” He choked, hoping above all things the other two wouldn’t ask anything about it.
“Akehoshi,” Hokuto spoke loudly and suddenly, and for a moment Makoto thought this right here was really gonna be it. “Where are we going. I don’t want Grandmother to worry.”
Much to Makoto’s relief, Subaru dropped the previous subject and happily replied to Hokuto, whose face softened as he pulled out his phone. Makoto took out his own phone as well, mostly curious about the travel time. It would be… A while.
While the others slipped into a kind-spoken conversation about the coming school year and how excited everyone was to see Anzu again, Makoto pulled out his own handheld. He really had gotten into the habit of playing games to pass any sort of time over break. He suddenly really missed Anzu, too.
“Oh Ukki! Your Switch has the pink and green remotes! Don’t those cost extra?” Subaru interrupted himself to change subjects.
“I mean I guess…” Makoto shrugged it off, he didn’t think it was a big enough of a deal to point out. “I’ve gotten really attached to the color green. It makes me happy. The pink one’s the one that just so happens to come with it.” That was true. Green to him became a sort of identity, almost. He’d always really liked the color, and it made him happy to be known as the ‘green Trickstar’. It was just something as simple as a color, but it filled him with an odd sense of pride.
And then he realized. His other one is the pink one. The pink one… And suddenly he felt Mao’s eyes burning a hole in him, like he knew something Makoto didn’t. Because he knows but he doesn’t know that Makoto knows that he knows and it was all a ridiculous mess and Makoto really just wanted to play video games.
“Oh, that’s cool!” Mao says instead. “If I ever get one, I’ll be sure to get the same pair, then!”
“That’s not fair, Sari! They don’t make an orange one!”
“Well, you’d probably just cover it in glitter anyway, Akehoshi.”
They all laughed a little, which was a good distraction from Makoto’s near heart attack.
The next few hours went a little more comfortably. Constant chatter about this or that, nothing too sacred or deep, just a few best friends on a public bus to somewhere a long while south.
When they did arrive, finally, it was a much warmer midday and the air carried the familiar scent of the ocean. The bus stopped on a dirt road next to one of the smallest looking towns Makoto had ever been too. And sure enough, there was the deep green sea, glancing back with all its’ comforting majesty.
“Wow… This is quite the small place you’ve landed us in, Subaru.” Mao smiled, the last one to step off the bus.
“Well this close to SS I didn’t want anything to get too crowded or complicated… I just wanted to have fun with you guys.” His voice and grin were both sincere, and Hokuto seemed to breathe a sigh of relief as well. “Let’s get goin’ though! There’s a lot of stuff I want to see, and it’s gonna get dark soon!” Subaru started along the dirt path rather quickly, like he knew exactly where he was going. The others seemed to follow, but Makoto kept his eyes on the ocean for some reason. It’s not like he hadn’t seen it before, considering it’s so close to school, but there’s something about the salty breeze on the January chill, the rolling green hills that surrounded the quaint little town, and lingering sentimental feelings that made him feel… Something.
“The ocean looks… Really beautiful here.” He hears himself say out loud.
“Yeah, Makoto…” Mao spoke softly from behind him. “It really does.”
There was a certain softness in his tone that Makoto didn’t recognize, but eventually decided Mao was also probably having some sentimental feelings as well.
Makoto turned around for a second, maybe to see what kind of sentimental face he might be making, but all he noticed was Mao quickly averting his eyes from Makoto’s.
Oh, right, he probably feels awkward around you. Best not to try any eye contact.
“U-um… We should catch up with the others, Isara-kun.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” He agreed, gesturing for Makoto to move his feet. Subaru was, as usual, a little fast, but the two weren’t too far behind that they couldn’t catch up comfortably.
In no time at all, they were all standing together in a small town square, admiring the antique-looking mosaic stone streets and cute little stone homes and shops. For a small, secret town, it looked very touristy. Maybe a little more crowded in the summertime, Makoto thought. Either way, the few people that were around didn't pay the four of them too much mind. Subaru, continuing to act like he knew exactly where he was going, loudly suggested they start with some warm food, and led them off to what Makoto hoped would actually be some kind of restaurant. The trek wasn't far at all, considering the size of the place as a whole, but the restaurant itself was huge . And, as he later discovered, absolutely wonderful. He definitely ate too much, which was fine- there were so many new things to try!
The day continued on like that. Nothing too fancy, just walking around together, looking at small shops, making bad jokes about strange window displays, stopping at nearly every snack stand, and laughing a little more than necessary at the occasional terrible pun. And as midday turned to evening, and evening to dusk, Makoto couldn't help but let that warm sentimental feeling of togetherness and love and friendship fill his stomach again. He really loved being a part of this. He loved being able to call these wonderful people his best friends.
As they stepped out of a cute, warm cafe and into the deep chill of the night, it really all started to come together. He held his hand-made cinnamon hot chocolate (Hokuto wouldn’t let him get ice cream in this weather) with both hands, and looked up at the moon in all its’ bright, golden majesty, and for the first time in a really long time, felt truly blessed.
“Makoto? Is everything okay? Are you coming?” Mao interrupted his daydream with some sweet, concerned words. Makoto, suddenly brought back to reality, quickly turned to face Mao, but again couldn’t reach his eyes. He decided to focus his gaze a little bit behind him and saw Subaru and Hokuto a little ways away, both looking like they were stopped on their way somewhere. Three sets of eyes were on Makoto, all kind, but he still felt a little ashamed for spacing out again.
“Y-yes, I’m sorry… I’m just a little cold, really.” Makoto felt himself smile, as he usually does when apologetic. That was true, though, it was very cold out and Makoto had been regretting bringing only a light jacket for the past few hours now.
“Oh, do you want to wear my jacket?” Mao replied casually, already taking it off.
“...What?” Makoto breathed, his voice catching in his throat for a moment. “I-I mean er… I wouldn’t want you to be cold, Isara-kun, really. I’m fine!” He put on the most reassuring grin he could muster, trying not to think about the swarm of butterflies suddenly invading his stomach.
“No, no really.” Mao gently took the warm drink out of Makoto’s hands and replaced it with his thick, warm, deep red varsity jacket. “I’m plenty warm already, I’ve been wearing that thing all day. I don’t want you to get sick because you’re being stubborn, Makoto.” Mao continued.
Makoto just looked at it for a second or two, before taking a deep breath and slipping his arms through the sleeves.
His whole body was suddenly filled with such astounding warmth, he almost couldn’t get his backpack back on. As Mao was handing his drink back to him, he could barely keep his hands from shaking.
“That better?” Mao smiled so sweetly, patting Makoto on the shoulder with the gentlest, warmest touch, and Makoto felt like he was losing his mind. Was this real? Was this a dream?
He knew he was smiling, he could feel the flustered grin on his face, but he couldn’t stop. For a moment he thought he saw Subaru staring at him with some unusual expression, but he really wasn’t paying too much attention. He was a little lightheaded, so full of a distress that somehow filled him with nothing but the most marvelous feelings he’d ever felt. The weight of the jacket somehow lifted a heaviness from his heart, and as he willed his legs to follow his friends along, he couldn’t stop thinking about the way it all felt. It smelled like him, like his house. Reminded him of all the small memories only the two of them shared… The late-night studying, the long duo practice sessions, the simple casual walks to the bus stop after school on rare occasions.
Reminded him of the way he smiled whenever he reminded Makoto that things would be okay.
It was a crushing, radiating tranquility that buzzed and beeped and slammed so many terrifying feelings of absolute pure joy that made Makoto wonder if this was what it felt like to be in love.
Or something.
But Makoto looked down at Mao’s hand, how close it was to his, and remembered.
He messed that all up.
Even still, he let himself be spoiled by just wearing Mao’s jacket.
-
The inn Subaru led them to was just as quaint and cute as the rest of the town. A little rustic, a little touristy, but for the most part very welcome. The only person there they could see was an old lady at the front desk (who looked very excited to greet them). She talked for a bit about something Makoto didn’t pay too much attention to, pointed to where the baths were, and handed Subaru what looked like the key.
“Alright!” Subaru clapped his hands together. They’d reached the end of the hall on the second floor, and stood in front of what Makoto assumed was their room. “I’ll stay in this room with… Hokke! Ukki and Sari can have the other one.” There was something sinister in his voice, and Makoto didn’t truly register the words until Subaru handed Mao a second key.
“Wait… Wait what? We’re not all together?”
“Weren’t you payin’ attention, Ukki?” Subaru looked directly into Makoto’s eyes, “The desk-lady said the winter rooms were too small for four people, something about policies and doodlie-doos.”
Oh, crap-
“What, really? You know I’m going to make you sleep early, right Akehoshi? We have school on monday, and i don’t want to ruin my sleep schedule.” Hokuto spoke, sweet perfect wonderful Hokuto maybe he’d convince Subaru to switch and-
“Yep! We got a~lot of stuff to talk about! Let’s go to bed, I’m very excited about breakfast it’s supposed to be really good here! Goodnight~!” Before anyone could respond, Subaru dragged Hokuto into the room behind him and shut the door.
Alright, this is fine. They’ll just go to sleep like normal, right? They’ve all had a really good day today, maybe he’d get lucky and things wouldn’t be as awkward as he’d imagined being alone with Mao would be.
“Welp,” Mao broke the silence and gave Makoto a cute smile, “The key says the room is just this one.” He motioned to a door directly in front of them and quickly undid the lock. It was comforting to know the four of them would still be close together.
The room was indeed quite small, and the two-people-per-room only made sense now that Makoto saw that there was a single large bed instead of the pair of futons on the floor he’d expected. He decidedly didn’t think about that at first. It really wasn’t bad at all- they got ready for sleep without any mishaps, which Makoto took as a good sign. It probably was for the best; even though he and Subaru might’ve stayed up all night playing video games, they’d probably get a lecture in the morning anyways. Besides, Subaru might bring that up, and… Well at least with Mao he knows he won’t have to talk about it.
But he still knows.
“Hey, Makoto, are you alright?” Mao’s concerned voice broke a silence Makoto almost didn’t notice. Apparently he’d been staring at himself in the bathroom mirror for a while.
“Yeah, I’m cool, why?” He finished drying off his face and slid his glasses back on.
“I’m just… Making sure. You’ve been seeming a little off lately and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something had happened to you and it was my fault because I didn’t take you to the doctor. You’re… really important to me, Makoto. You’re important to all of us.” Mao’s voice sounded so genuine and calm, Makoto’s heart could’ve melted.
“Really, I’m fine, Isara-kun… Thank you, though. I think I’m just… Nervous about about school or something.” He smiled; that really wasn’t all a lie. Though you’ve been telling a lot of lies lately.
“Ah, okay… Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, please.” Mao quietly placed his hand on Makoto’s shoulder and gave a few reassuring squeezes. He said things like that a lot. To everyone. But the thing about Mao was that he always meant it. It was just one of the few things Makoto really admired about him. Nevertheless, the reasurment was always comforting. “C’mon, let’s go to sleep before it gets too late.” Mao said, that sweet grin still on his face, and Makoto realized he forgot to respond.
Before long, they had turned the lights off, said their goodnights, and were lying side-by-side in an extremely comfortable bed. Makoto had taken his glasses off, set them right next to his phone, and begged every part of his being to go to sleep.
But he can’t. Of course he can’t.
He’s lying there, next to Mao, for real, and he can’t stop thinking about him. About how kind and genuine and generous and comforting and talented he is. About how much Makoto cherishes him. About how all Makoto does is lie to him.
For what seems like hours, Makoto thinks again about how much he wants to hold his hand. About how he could just reach down, in the cold shallows of the night, and hold it.
But God, he can’t. Because that’s the worst part of all this. As as much as Makoto begs himself to forget, he’s never stopped thinking about it. And in these dark, lonely hours where he can’t stay up to let bright lights and noises and fictional stories occupy his mind until he passes out at three am, the voice in his head runs rampant and stops being his friend.
Mao knows that Makoto likes him.
Even if Makoto pretends he doesn’t remember, Mao remembers.
Mao remembers, and he’s also pretending it never happened.
He knows you like him and has spent all this time pretending he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want you to. He doesn’t want you, he’ll never want you. Who would? Who could like someone like you... like that? He’s too good for you and he always has been. You’re just the pathetic loser with a huge crush on this absolutely wonderful boy who deserves so much better, and as much as you tell yourself you’ve gotten better and you can hold your ground with them you’re still absolutely pathetic. He trusts you like you trust all your friends and you still lied to him.
Makoto suddenly felt unbearably sick; all this anxiety and guilt building up in his stomach, reminding him of days he’d hoped were long gone.
No, no no I don’t want to think like this anymore I don’t need to think like this I…
But this was different.
He stumbled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, collapsing on the floor and waiting for whatever this stress induced stomach pain would bring. It felt like a flu but one you only got after being a stupid moron and ruining the one thing you’ve treasured most in your whole life.
It was one-something in the morning, he was sitting on the cold tile floor of an unfamiliar bathroom, and Makoto really felt like he was going to die at any moment just from pure self-loathing. Wouldn’t be the first time, he’d admit.
He sits up, leans his head on a cabinet, and unwillingly cries as softly as he can. He knows Mao isn’t a heavy sleeper, but if he’s already asleep, it should be okay.
“Makoto… are you okay?” There’s a heartbreaking concern in his voice that makes Makoto shudder and ache in different ways than before.
“Y-Yeah, I’m fine…” He replied as best he could, knowing he couldn’t stop his voice from breaking. “I just... don’t feel well. I’m sorry for waking you up.” As much as Makoto lamented over the enormous pit of guilt growing inside his heart, he couldn’t help but to be a little relieved for some company.
“You really don’t look like you’re okay.” Mao was now right behind him, probably looking down at Makoto like he was some pathetic, pitiful animal. Well, no, Mao wouldn’t do that. But it’s nothing short of all Makoto deserves at this point. “Makoto… Did something happen? Is something wrong?” Mao continued, kneeling down next to Makoto and placing a warm, firm, gentle hand on his shoulder.
Makoto could barely shake his head in response, concentrating all his energy into choking down sobs; as if he wasn’t embarrassed enough already.
Instead of walking away and leaving Makoto to wallow in his own self-pity like he should have, Mao then leaned closer to Makoto, wrapped his strong arms around him, and pulled him close to where Makoto’s head was pressing against Mao’s chest.
Makoto wasn’t ready for the huge wave of affection that washed over him in that moment, instantly warming his cold, lonely heart. He let himself get lost in that feeling- only for a second though- but he didn’t realize how much he needed that simple embrace.
Isara-kun you jerk… How could you be so kind to me after what I did?
“Whatever’s wrong, Makoto, please know you can always tell me. You know I’m here for you.” Makoto felt the soft reverberations of his tender voice through his chest, and listened for the muffled heartbeat that followed. He wanted to relish in that, in the simple serene feeling of being cared for. But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t deserve this.
And all those terrible feelings bubbled back up inside him, and without saying a word he burst into tears, only Mao’s pajamas to muffle his disgustingly embarrassing cries.
I can’t I can’t ever I will never tell you what’s wrong I can’t ever tell you I think I’m in love with you and i lied about everything and probably ruined our friendship forever and the best thing that ever happened to me is going to go away and it’ll only be my fault I’ll lose you and I’ll lose Trickstar and I’ll be alone again because I’m a stupid idiot and you deserve so so so much better than to be stuck here taking care of me, a pathetic loser, on the floor of a bathroom in some random hotel you are so wonderful and nice to me and even though I know you don’t feel the same you’re still here and I don’t deserve this…
“I’m just…” Makoto says instead, forcing down sobs. “I’m just not feeling well.”
Mao didn’t say anything in response, but he continued to hold Makoto, softly running his fingers in little circles on his back.
After Makoto’s crying stopped and the shaking subsided, the only thing left in his mind was the calm buzz of genuine warmth. He was too exhausted to argue with himself, and finally let the feeling of being in Mao’s arms mend his tired soul. Before he realizes, he closes his eyes, nothing in his head but the sound of Mao’s softly beating heart.
And then he’s awake, suddenly. The sun is bright and the air is warm and Makoto can only assume it’s the next morning. He’s in bed, surprisingly, but he doesn’t remember getting into bed after… Falling asleep in Mao’s arms on the bathroom floor.... Which means two things: one, Mao had to pick him up and carry him to bed, and two, Makoto absolutely inconvenienced him more than he ever should have. Before the embarrassment overwhelms him, a familiar voice interrupts his thoughts.
“No… No I said I’m not home.” Mao sounded very tired, but didn’t seem to be talking to Makoto. He looked up, and sure enough Mao was on the phone. “No, Ristu don’t go back to sleep there’s school tomorrow. … No I can’t bring you food I’m out of town. … Why don’t you ask Koga to get you something I’m sure he’d. … Well if he’s already there why are you calling me? Right, right sorry I miss you too. Okay. … No I’m still not coming. … Okay very nice but- … If you’re really so hungry you two can go walk yourselves somewhere and have a nice romantic breakfast and I’ll bring you something special tomorrow, okay? Okay. Okay, bye. Don’t go back to sleep. Okay- Okay, bye.” Mao sighed, put his phone in his pocket, and turned around.
“Oh Makoto! Good morning, are you feeling okay?”
Makoto didn’t have his glasses on yet so he couldn’t tell, but Mao sounded like he was smiling.
“Mhm… I think so. I’m sorry about last night… I think I might’ve eaten something weird.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m just glad you’re okay.”
The two packed their things quickly and met the others downstairs, where Subaru, true to his word, was very excited about breakfast.
-
Things were weird. Awkward. Things were out of place that really, really shouldn't have been, and Makoto didn’t know what to do.
It had been three full weeks since the new year, and school was back in full swing. Everyone around him was happy and excited, and Makoto tried to ride on that, but he couldn’t shake that awkward, scared feeling. The high of the new year left and it’s back to normal school life, like he wanted, but things just weren’t clicking. He’s not clicking into school work or practice or anything, because he still spends his days thinking about Mao. Some days it’s trying to convince himself he doesn’t still have a huge heart-pounding crush on him, some days it’s more daydreaming, doodling little pictures in his notebooks and letting that heart-pounding crush overpower every negative feeling he’s ever felt. But it hurt, still, knowing he’d never hold his hand again, that things would always be weird between them.
His friends noticed, too, and in their own way, expressed their worry. Hokuto had been bringing him a lot of konpeito, along with a pat on the back. He never asked what was wrong, but he always still said little things that made Makoto feel like he was important. Irreplaceable. Subaru would try to tickle him more often than usual, sparing him lectures but opting for even worse jokes than he’d gotten used to. And Mao… Mao would check up on him a little more often, sending him texts and bringing the occasional sweet snack to practice. Makoto noticed it was hard for Mao to meet his eyes, though. Which he expected. Nevertheless, the feelings of self-love and pride and courage he worked so, so hard to convince himself were okay to feel were finally starting to come back. Still, just going about the usual routine was hard. Makoto couldn’t even remember the last time he’d shown up to tennis practice, opting to crash the game research club instead. Things were going kind of backwards in ways he didn’t want them to, but for the time being… He didn’t know what to do.
It was a seemingly normal day, near the end of January, when everything finally burst. The bell had rung, signaling the end of class, and everyone had packed their things and left; except Makoto, who really just wasn’t paying attention.
“Hey, Ukki…” Subaru sat back down in the seat in front of Makoto’s desk, not trying to hide the genuine concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?”
Makoto looked up from his blank notebook, noticed the empty class, and put on the best smile he could.
“H-Haha that was direct, where’s the joke? I’ve been fine!”
“... You’ve been fake-sparkly, Ukki. Like, a lot. I know you haven’t been happy. You’re putting on that old face you used to make. I don’t like it… Did something happen? Is this about your crush?”
Makoto couldn’t reply. He knew it was really just a matter of time until something like this happened, but he was hoping it’d be a little longer, maybe after he got better and could properly face Subaru. Or anyone. But for now, he could only stare at the ground, face red, completely defeated.
“Ukki! Please be happy and bright!” Subaru grabbed Makoto’s hands from their place on the desk and squeezed them. “I’m sure it’ll go well!”
Makoto shook his head, and trying to word any kind of response made his throat tense up like he suddenly had to hold back tears.
“No… No it won’t go well, because it already did go, and it did not go well… And now I’m just trying to get over it because he’s pretending like it never happened and I know I wanted him to but it still hurts so much…” Once he started he couldn’t stop. At least Subaru was someone he didn’t have to feel embarrassed around. “I… Didn’t think liking someone could hurt this much. I think it’s been a lot longer, too… It wasn’t just the hand-holding thing, Akehoshi-kun… It’s been so, so long and I just bottled it up because he’s too good for me but SS gave me so much confidence and it went to my head and I thought I had a chance or something I guess but now that I know what that feeling is it won’t go away…” He had to stop before his rambling turned to blubbering, still refusing to meet Subaru’s face.
“Ukki… What do you mean by it already happened? I’m sorry, I thought you liked Sari… I mean the way you two were all over each other that weekend I was absolutely sure…” Subaru forced a little laugh, probably to himself, but stopped it short. Makoto didn’t change his expression. He didn’t reply. Nor was he surprised at all by the fact that Subaru already knew that.
“Well… What happened then, Ukki?” He continued holding his hands.
God, what would Makoto do without a friend like him.
“I… I did something bad.” Makoto spoke, finally. “I mean… I think it was bad. Before I knew, or… Maybe I did know I had a crush on him or what that even really meant, I kind of just… I don’t really want to talk about it but… He really deserves better and I was a fool to let it all get to my head and I ruined our whole friendship and lied to him really bad and now everyone’s going to know what a stupid loser I am and I just want things to go back to normal and I don’t want to lose any of you but-”
“What do you mean ‘ruined’?” Subaru interrupted, not waiting for Makoto to finish his sniveling (which he really didn’t mind at all). “You’re the only one who thinks that. We all love you so, so much, Ukki. No matter what happens.”
“I… I love you guys, too. Really. I just feel so…” Makoto took one of his hand back to wipe his face with the back of his sleeve. “Sometimes it’s hard not to let the bad feelings get carried away. I just get scared, I think.”
Subaru replies by standing, pulling Makoto out of his chair so he’s standing in front of him, and wrapping him in one of the tightest hugs Makoto’s ever received.
“Please cheer up, Ukki!” Subaru says with a loud smile in his voice. “You don’t have to tell me anything if it’ll make you sad. But don’t let something silly like your brain thoughts tell you you aren’t loved. Your brain can be stupid like that sometimes. And Ukki, I don’t know what you lied about but I’m sure if you tell him the truth he’ll understand. Sari’s a good guy like that. Whatever ‘bad thing’ you said you did really can’t be too bad. But most importantly, please don’t say bad things about yourself anymore. No one’s going anywhere. We all love you, so much. You’re my dear, precious friend, and you have to treat yourself right!”
Hearing words like that might’ve been all Makoto needed this whole time. His heart felt so much lighter, and he almost thought he felt a dangerous spark reignite inside him.
“Thank you, Akehoshi-kun. I’ll… I’ll do my best.”
Subaru gave him one last squeeze before running off, something about being late to meet someone.
For the first time in what felt like forever, Makoto wore a real smile on his face. Standing alone in that empty classroom, the dim late-afternoon light peek through the windows, Makoto really felt like things would be alright.
It was raining. The wind was strong and cold and the sky grey and flooded with clouds. Makoto didn’t mind at all; there was something nostalgic about walking alone in the rain that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but for some reason he didn’t feel lonely. Is was too short of a walk to the bus stop to let his mind wander too much, which was always welcome.
He sat on the little bench, letting the sound of the rain hitting the the little roof above sooth him, and waited. Maybe for the bus, he wasn’t sure. For some reason, he wasn’t ready to go home.
Subaru was right. Even if Mao doesn’t like him back… He’ll be okay. They’ll all be okay. He’s stronger than this.
Makoto pulled out his phone, which buzzed with nothing more than another mobile game notification, and looked at it for a bit. His lockscreen, which he hadn’t gotten sentimental about in a while, was a picture of him and his friends back in autumn. In a sudden impulse, he decided to change it to something more recent while he waits for… Whatever he’s waiting for.
He starts at the very beginning of his camera roll, which was mostly dark and filled with relics of long ago- game score screens and mobile game screencaps. After a long while, the game club room appears, and suddenly a picture of Subaru (this one looked like he stole Makoto’s phone to take a selfie). There were a few more like that, one Subaru tried to take of the both of them but Makoto was covering his face with his hands. The pictures continued on like that, his friends slowly showing up in big groups, all their smiles getting wider, all their eyes getting brighter. There were pictures of Shinobu and Nazuna together, as well as Natsume and Sora, and even this one really angry Izumi (he hadn’t finished reapplying his makeup after tennis practice one day- Makoto only took the picture to make him mad, but later deemed it too important a moment to delete anyway). And then there, near the bottom, was one picture he took of himself. Unprompted, unedited, and that above all things made him think.
He really had come so far.
Yuuki Makoto, idol, for real, with wonderful friends and people who love him for who he’s decided to be, who he’s always wanted to be.
I do not want to lose this.
Before he could change his mind, he sends Mao the quickest text he’d probably ever written in his life. ‘Come2 busstop IMPORTANT’ Probably should've been explained better, but he blamed it on the cold numbing his fingers.
So he waited, then, but now that he knows what he’d been waiting for, the rain became so much louder. Still, this was it. But nothing scared him now.
Fifteen or so minutes passed, and Mao came into view. He was running up the sidewalk, dark umbrella clashing with the bright red of his hair, heavy splashes under each footstep.
“Makoto-! Are you okay?” He stops right in front of him, catching his breath. “Did you forget your bus pass? Do you need me to lend you some bus fare?” He was soaked, probably paying no attention to the rain, as usual. Makoto did feel bad about that, but he was just really happy to see him. Mao still looked so bright, even under that gloomy sky, his eyes radiating a silent warmth that reminded Makoto of spring. Makoto stood up, wanting nothing more than to just hug him.
“No I… I just wanted to talk to you.” Makoto started, watching Mao’s face relax. “I… Do you, um… Do you remember, a long time ago, in the very beginning when I was getting pushed around, and you, not even knowing my story, stood up for me? I know it was a really long time ago, but… Those words really saved me that day. I held onto them for a really, really long time. I think… I back then I wanted to show everyone that this path I’ve chosen wasn’t a mistake, but for the most part I wanted to prove that to myself. And I think I have… I’ve made it to places I never thought I could go, felt things I’ve only dreamed of before. Because ever since I first met you, you made me feel like I could be anything, no matter what anyone said. You made me feel like I could be whoever I wanted to be. And having someone as wonderful and talented and hardworking as you believe in someone like me… Knowing someone like you could look at me and see something more than my face… I never would’ve believed that before.”
“Makoto…” His voice was so tender.
“You’re absolutely amazing. You’re wonderful and kind, not just to me but to everyone around you. You’re my best friend. And I… I really need to tell you something.”
Mao didn’t respond. He waited with heavy eyes as Makoto looked to the ground, swallowed, and turned back to face Mao’s bright, spring gaze.
“I do remember.” This really was it. “On New Year’s… When I kissed you and I’m… I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you without asking, it just sort of… Happened… Nevertheless I shouldn’t have lied about it. I know it made you uncomfortable, so I wanted to pretend it never happened, but… That was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, willing everything in his mind to not start wandering over to terrible thoughts again. He looked nervously to Mao, who’s eyes were wide, and waited for the complete Mao-like thing he’d probably say.
“Makoto…” He spoke, placing a hand to his forehead, “What are you talking about?”
What.
“What..?” Oh no… “Did… Did I just confess my huge crush on you completely unprompted because I…” He really had absolutely no idea what to say, embarrassment making his face hot and hands shake. Mao looked… Strange, though. His face was bunched up like he was trying not to smile, almost like he was about to cry.
“Makoto, no… No I… I’m the one that kissed you.”
Mao’s face was completely covered by his hands, but Makoto could’ve sworn he heard a little giggle.
Wait, what did he say?
“Makoto you were… You were leaning into me and I thought you wanted it so I went for it but you panicked and hurt yourself and… This whole time I thought I was wrong and I felt so, so bad… And then for a while I thought you did remember and that’s why you were avoiding me and I wanted to fix things so, so bad, Makoto, I…”
“Wait so… You… You k-...” If Makoto could say ‘?’ outloud he probably would. “Do you… D-Do you like me?” The way the words sounded on his voice didn’t feel real. None of this felt real, actually, but there was no going back now if it was all just a-
“Oh my God Makoto, yes! ” He sounded absolutely exasperated, pulling his hands away from his face to grab both Makoto’s arms, a dazzling smile plastered on his face.
“Really…?” He was still trying to process everything, refusing to let himself get carried away yet. “Are you sure…? Why?”
“Do I really need a reason? You’re cute and funny and you make me smile. You’re kind and genuine and from the very beginning you’ve worked so, so hard, and… I guess in a way, watching you become the person you are has been absolutely inspiring. I really… I really did fall for you and your cute glasses. You just… You make me so, so happy, Makoto.”
Mao embraced him, the freezing drench of this clothes soaking through, but Makoto had never felt so warm in his entire life.
“Are… Are you sure though? I don’t know if you understand, I want to like… Be your boyfriend, Isara-kun. I want to hold your hand and take you on dates and cuddle and buy you Valentine’s gifts and-”
“Makoto.” Mao interrupted, pulling away so he could look into Makoto’s eyes. “I’m going to kiss you now.”
Mao placed each of his frozen hands onto either side of Makoto’s face, and just looked at him. Makoto’s body reacted before his brain did, as he put his own hands on Mao’s waist, pulling him a little bit closer.
His lips were still warm.
They stood like that for a while. Makoto only realized they’d been standing in the rain when the drops under his eyes felt much warmer than those on the rest of his face. It didn’t matter, though. It could be snowing and he’d still be here, in absolute bliss, kissing Mao- for real- and he’d still feel as outrageously, impossibly happy as he did in that moment. The burning cold of the rain was absolutely nothing compared to the rampaging fire of absolute pure euphoria that blazed inside him.
“You’ve always been such an amazing person, Makoto.” Mao pulled away, a smile still stuck to his face. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say more, but instead grabbed Makoto’s arm and dragged him back under the hood of the bus stop.
They sat on the bench, side-by-side; Mao’s wet hair leaning on Makoto’s soaked shoulder.
“So… So do you, um… Wanna be boyfriends?” Makoto breathed, watching the rain fall.
“Absolutely.” Mao replied immediately, his radiant, beautiful laugh filling the small space they occupied. Makoto’s heart hadn’t stopped feeling like it was going to explode since Mao arrived, and his mouth hurt terribly from smiling, he noticed. What did he ever to do deserve this happiness?
“Isara-kun,” He spoke after a while, “Can I… Hold your hand?”
“Of course.”
And Mao took Makoto’s hand in his, entangled their fingers together, and exhaled softly.
They waited like that, together, listening to the rhythms of the raindrops make patterns in the small world around them, for nothing in particular.
Hand in hand.