Work Text:
1966 London
John woke up feeling rested for once. He’d gone to a performance of the Rolling Stones last night and had arrived home, Eppy’s home, feeling absolutely knackered. Brian had opened the door for him and tucked him into bed, but he’d had to stay up later still to finish some work. John had noticed that his lover had smelled slightly of alcohol (which he had started to take in large quantities since the band had stopped touring) and he’d also been popping pills. John hadn’t said anything, trusting that the older man knew what he was doing.
Now, in the morning, John discovered Eppy’s arm around his waist holding John almost possessively. The singer chuckled and caressed the hand on his side. After a while he stood up and put on Brian’s robe, it smelled like him. He decided to let him sleep a bit longer and went to get two cups of tea.
When he came back he had the two cups and a pack of his favourite biscuits, Chocolate Olivers, under his arm. He put down Brian’s cup as he sat down by his side and blew on his own for it to cool off. “Brian…” He said in a soft voice, “Wake up…”
Brian did no stir and John laughed, for all his troubles his lover really was a heavy sleeper.
John tickled the other man’s neck, “Brian, I made you a cuppa.” He poked at his cheek, nothing.
John’s smile fell and he frowned slightly, “Brian?” He put down his cup and sat up straighter. “Eppy, wake up.” He shook the man a little, then stronger after he received no response.
He stood up and leaned over the man, “Eppy! Brian, wake up!” There was no answer.
John’s breaths were getting shorter and faster. His hands shook as he fisted them in the lapels of Brian’s sleep shirt. He put one right below Brian’s nose but felt no air coming out. John let out a distressed whimper and put his head on his lover’s chest, desperate to feel a heartbeat. However, with a the blood rushing in his ears, he couldn’t distinguish one.
The young man fell to the ground, whispering “No, no, no…” Over and over again and shaking his head. This wasn’t supposed to happen to them, not to him. Sure, people were topping themselves accidently right and left nowadays, but not Eppy, not his Brian. He drew his knees close to his chest sobbed into them, he knew he ought to call someone, but he didn’t feel like holding a conversation when his world had just broken under his feet.
He stayed curled up for a long time, tears cascading from his eyes like rivers. He’d lost another person, someone else he’d loved, someone who’d promised to never leave him. An anger grew in him, Brian had promised . He’d taken John’s hand one night and swore to him that he would stay, that John would never have to be alone again. And John, the trusting fool he was, believed him. But now here he was, on the floor next to his lover’s body. He’d thrown his glasses away from him, hoping the blur would give him more time to process the scene.
Then, he heard a cough come from above him and he froze. John lifted his head from his kneed and held his breath, sure enough, another cough soon followed. His heart soared and he was quick to stand up and face the bed.
Brian’s eyes were wrinkled shut and he was coughing as he stirred. John was by his side in an instant, helping him stand up and offering the now cold tea. “It’s okay, Brian, you’re awake.”
The older man opened his eyes, they were bloodshot and bleary, “J-John?” His voice was hoarse.
His lover nodded with teary eyes. He offered a small smile, “Yes, it’s me.”
Brian took a sip of the tea, “Wha...what ha-happened?”
John’s voice broke, “I don’t know, I tried to wake you but you wouldn’t wake up.” He shook his head, “I thought you were dead !”
Brian stared as John broke in front of him. His mind was running, it’s true he’d been drinking last night and he’d also been popping pills, but that was something he did all the time. Why would it affect him now? He focused on John and took him into his arms, christ no wonder the young man was in hysterics. If he’d thought Brian dead, it would have meant that another person had ‘abandoned’ him, as he often put it.
John trembled in Brian’s arms, he could have lost him, lost the man he loved. He buried his head in his neck and took in his scent. “God, Brian, you were dead . I, I didn’t hear a heartbeat and or breaths and, christ, I can’t…”
Brian rubbed his back, “I am sorry, John, I didn’t mean to frighten you. I’m right here now, I’m okay.” He took ahold of his lover’s face and wiped his tears, “I’m alright, John. I’m not leaving you.”
John looked at him, “You have to promise me you’ll stop taking them.”
Brian frowned, “Them?”
“The pills, Brian, the pills.” John’s voice was strong, “I’ll help you, we’ll get clean together. Please, you must stop this.”
Brian hesitated, the pills were the only way he was in any way functional. He could not possibly give them up and hope to deliver the same amount of work he did now. But for John’s sake of mind at the moment, he said, “Yes, John. You’re right. I’ll do it.”
John offered him a grateful smile, “Thank you.” He hugged Brian, “We’ll do it together, yeah?”
Brian’s eyes were regretful as he answered, “Yeah.” John didn’t deserve to be lied to, but he didn’t understand, Brian needed those pills more than anything.
More than John, it seemed.