Chapter Text
[The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation] >> That is the name of a particular novel, its elements written to… *ahem* Be geared towards a more excitable audience.
Shen Qingqiu was not one of them.
Indeed, whilst he was a man foolish enough to have wasted half his life on book after book of those toilet-tier two million words Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky has written; whilst he may be unwittingly tricked into doing the papapa with a too youthful Luo Binghe on a near daily basis, Shen Qingqiu never had an interest in such shameless BL novels back before he transmigrated.
Bai Tuo (Please)! If this old man had such hobbies back then, would I really be having my ass wrecked daily by the protagonist of a stallion novel now? Wo Pei (spitting in indignity)!
But as fervent a reader as he is, not even Shen Qingqiu could deny the lures of that novel.
Upon hearing the raging comments about Mo Dao Zu Shi, he had unwittingly picked up the novel, telling himself.
Just one chapter. Just one.
Shen Qingqiu had never been the same since then.
Therein now lies the problem:
He knows the story of [The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation].
Seated upon his old throbbing back with a blissfully sleeping Luo Binghe by his side, thighs trembling, eyes dry from soundlessly swallowing back his howls of pain, Shen Qingqiu bores down at the system window that had woken him with a high mechanical ‘tink’. Through blurry eyes and with a muddled brain, Shen Qingqiu had barely returned from his dreamland when that irksome, polite voice speaks up.
System: [Welcome to [The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation]. We are pleased to announce we have accepted your application for transfer in lieu of your previous success with [Proud Immortal Demon Way]. We hope to continue to provide you the best experience. It is our sincerest wish that you would maintain the same performance here. We pray for your happiness.]
Shen Qingqiu, “…”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! What are you playing at here, System!? This isn’t the right time to be malfunctioning! What ‘application for transfer’? Are you bullshitting me right now?!
In response to his queries, the system chimes pleasantly,
[All successful changers of novels such as yourself have submitted an application by default unless they opted out of it. Your application is by far the most impressive we had. A decision was therefore made to merge the world of [Proud Immortal Demon Way] and [The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation]. Congratulations!]
Ta ma de (God damn it)?! Are you toying with me here?! If you don’t mention it, how could I reject it? I went through so much hurdles just to patch up the stupid plot holes that Wang Ba Dan (bastard) wrote, and now you expect me to go through that again?!
[That is right.] The system pronounces clearly.
Shen Qingqiu, “…”
[We pray for your happiness.]
In response to that, Shen Qingqiu could muster no more than a flipped finger and that throat-itching desire to cough out a mouthful of blood.
To say that Shen Qingqiu has given in would be an inappropriate phrasing. After all, Shen Qingqiu has been nothing if not diligent in preventing his own death by an originally harem-owning, downright heartless, blackened Bing-Ge. Nevermind that he initially had to circumvent that much hated OOC function, he had even pushed Luo Binghe down into the demonic world and lived to tell the tale! So how could he not escape this too?
[All applications are not allowed to be withdrawn once accepted. If you opt to do so, you will be subjected to -1 000 000HP (health points).]
Shen Qingqiu chokes on his own spit.
-1 000 000HP?! What is this? An RPG?! Don’t you think you’re being too unreasonsable here, System?! Don’t talk about returning me to my cold, desecrated corpse in the real world, that amount of HP could send even the protagonist to heaven at once!
[Our condolences.]
Oh-oh-oh-oh. There it is again. That dryer than Sahara desert attitude of the system ver. 1.0 …Why had he ever missed it?
Eyeing the screen through irritable eyes, Shen Qingqiu finally lets out a resigned sigh.
For so many years, he has lived with this system. Centuries… no, millenniums? Shen Qingqiu has long since lost count of the years.
In the millions of options that was given to him during that time, Shen Qingqiu has never once been able to go against the rules of the system allocated to him. And if that isn’t tragic, Shen Qingqiu doesn’t know what would be.
“Shizun…”
Luo Binghe’s sleepy murmur drifts up from beside him, low but sweet in intonation.
The arm which had been curled loosely around Shen Qingqiu’s waist unconsciously reaches out in his sleep and tightens taut in its grip. If he hadn’t been expecting it, Shen Qingqiu would have been so startled, he would have let out a pained grunt. But as it is, Shen Qingqiu has long since learnt to expect brutality when it comes to his clumsy though good-hearted disciple.
If you want to see proof of that, just take a step back and look! The fact stands that teeth marks litter the span of Shen Qingqiu’s body right now, stinging and throbbing with the purpling bruises from their papapa. If there is a good thing he can take away from this session, let’s see… It’d definitely be the fact that Luo Binghe didn’t cry this time.
Shen Qingqiu spares a moment to lament the death of his standards.
But Luo Binghe, contradictory to his actions, is still locked in his sweet dreams even then.
Wah… Just look at how soundly he’s sleeping.
Luo Binghe carries a tender smile on his face, happily cradling his Shizun (master) close to his chest. Shen Qingqiu grimaces, thinking,
Hao ya (Good), Binghe. Just continue sleeping. When you’re awake tomorrow, we’ll see how much you regret making me sore!
Nevermind the fact that a single drop of tear from Luo Binghe could pretty much make Shen Qingqiu cave like wet paper and give in to anything he wants. Or that Luo Binghe, the do M (masochist), would enjoy anything his Shizun does to him.
System: […]
Under the faint light of that moon, the system’s patient silence appears nothing but judging.
With a hand patting down that head which could easily tower above him, Shen Qingqiu wordlessly turns his attention on the voice in his head, asking resignedly,
Hao Ba (Okay), System. What do you say I have to do?
[The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation] differs drastically from [Proud Demon Immortal Way], in that Shen Qingqiu actually enjoyed it. To say that he enjoyed the budding romance and the events after would be… *erm* extremely misleading. It’s just shua, shua (the sound of flipping pages). Shen Qingqiu enjoyed the story for its plot, as well as its worldbuilding. Even when he merely thumbed through the sections that seem more like a Huang Se Xiao Shuo (yellow novel / porn), Shen Qingqiu could still appreciate the airtight storyline and near non-existent plot holes.
To put nicely, [The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation] is already perfect. To put not so nicely… Hah Hah! [Proud Demon Immortal Way] could only ever dream of reaching the foot of its counterpart.
But no matter how hard he tried time and again, Shen Qingqiu couldn’t fathom how it’d be possible to make the story any better than it is.
After maintaining its silence for a moment, the system finally answers gravely,
[[The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation] is a highly-lauded novel. If there is one fatal flaw, it would be the length of time taken for the two protagonists to get together.]
Shi, shi, shi (Yes, yes, yes), Shen Qingqiu answered impatiently. Should he have his paper fan on hand, he would be waving it insufferably at himself. I know all that.
[As such, the biggest mission objective assigned to the accepted applicant is to get them together.]
Shen Qingqiu freezes instantly, breath unwittingly made into a sharp inhale. He sits, petrified, unwilling to breathe or knock away those words that had just unbelievably sent into his brain.
…This can’t be right. After waking up in a scum villain’s body and facing so many ordeals time and again, he can’t believe things would be so easy for him. Or can it be, that after suffering so many hardships…. he’s finally long due a mission easy in weight?
[The first mission event: The Adoption of Wei Wuxian, is now open. Do you accept?]
Shen Qingqiu immediately drops his shoulders.
Naturally, things aren’t so easy.
Ni shuo ne? (You tell me) Do I have an option?
[If the mission was to be succeeded, Wei Wuxian Protagonist’s Cuteness Points will +300 points.]
Shen Qingqiu is helplessly caught between tears and laughter.
Ke Ai Fen (Cuteness Points)? Ever since he was transmigrated into this world, he has never heard of such a thing. But for Wei Wuxian, the protagonist of [The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation], to have such a special trait… Of course, Shen Qingqiu should have expected it.
[If the mission is rejected, Wei Wuxian Protagonist’s Cuteness Points will immediately drop by 1000 points. If Wei Wuxian Protagonist’s HP is insufficient, points will be deducted accordingly from Luo Binghe Protagonist’s Coolness Points.]
Tian ah (Goodness)! Shen Qingqiu couldn’t have cared if the system deducted anything else, but for it to threaten the one thing he had expended blood, sweat, and tears to work for throughout the years. Is this system out of its mind?!
Moreover, should Luo Binghe’s Coolness or any other points reach 0, Shen Qingqiu would be automatically deported back to his world. And when returned to his by-now scattered ashes…
Nope.
Such a fate is definitely to be avoided, no matter what costs!
[Do you accept?] The system finally prompts.
“Hao ba… hao ba…(Okay)” Shen Qingqiu finally lets out a sigh, with a tone as if to coax a young child. “I’ll listen to you. Tell me, what is this mission about?”
-
Shen Qingqiu’s first meeting with Wei Wuxian is hardly the magical experience one would imagine.
Doushite Desuka (Why is that so)?
Qi Yi (Firstly), this child is caked from head to toe with mud, not one exception save for an occasional chilling blood speckle or two here and there. Kawaikunai desu. (Not cute.)
Qi Er (Secondly), in this freezing weather, with clattering teeth and frostbitten hands, the nine-year-old Wei Wuxian is almost entirely buried in the outercoat Luo Binghe had graciously shed, tucked away safely within the crook of Luo Binghe’s arms. Besides the reddened skin peeking out from his clothes, there’s really not much to see.
Zong Yu (Finally), last but not least, as if putting a cherry on top, Wei Wuxian’s young, soft features when he finally lifts his face from Luo Binghe’s shoulder are eeriely, painfully familiar to the eyes of the two men who had come to get him.
Ta ma de (God damn it)! You zhe gou shi (dog shit) system! B*tch! Wang Ba Dan (Motherf*cker)! Until when did you intend to keep it from me for?!
If the system is corporeal, Shen Qingqiu would certainly be using his fan to whack it to death.
Because those nostalgic features… that childlike smile and those large gleaming eyes… They unmistakeably belong to that of their previous disciple, Cangse.
The system certainly doesn’t share the same incredulous feelings as they do. That irksome voice thrills, almost proudly in his ears,
[Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu~♩ Congratulations! You have reached a turning point in this story! You have been transmigrated into the role of BaoShan SanRen! Luo Binghe Protagonist Cool Points: +200]
Just as Shen Qingqiu is getting ready to flip yet another finger at the system, the quiet voice of a story reader reads out,
[Cangse Sanren was a pupil of Baoshan Sanren.
Baoshan Sanren is a cultivator who lives secluded from the rest of the world, rumoured to be of the same generation as Wen Mao and Lan An. Whilst most of the heroes from that generation have already turned to dust, Baoshan Sanren alone remains unfallen. If that really was the case, then she must be centuries old and have quite a high level of cultivation. [Section Truncated]
She lives in an unknown celestial mountain and would often secretly take abandoned children up the mountain to be her pupils. However, every pupil had to vow that they would devote their whole lives to cultivation, never leaving the mountain or entering human society. Or else, no matter what the reason was, they were never to go back again. They would need to depend on themselves to survive, cutting all ties with their teacher.]
-<<The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation>>, Chapter 29, a section on Baoshan Sanren.
Aiyo, wo de ma ah… (Good grief…)
If Shen Qingqiu wasn’t out in public, he would most certainly be slinking down to rest his head on the closest stable surface.
Bai Tuo! He’s not a woman, and he has only taken them in because of Luo Binghe’s bleeding heart, hao bu hao ya (alright)?!
Ever since they’ve retreated into seclusion, every two decades or so, Luo Binghe would return with a little weening child in his arms, peering up at his Shizun with watery eyes. Shen Qingqiu has tried already. He tried to tell this hopeless child that these charity cases would be better off with another set of parents; tried to impress upon him how different their situation is from Luo Binghe’s own. But once faced with Luo Binghe’s tears falling like a beaded necklace ripped apart, it is with a heavy heart, tearless sobs resounding deep inside, that Shen Qingqiu folded like wet paper and allowed Luo Binghe to care for the disciples much reluctantly.
Even now. Luo Binghe gazes up at him with those round onyx eyes, glimmering gently in the light of the sun.
“Shizun,” Just one call of ‘Shizun’.
Luo Binghe’s bow-and-kow-tow attitude, humble and sincere, pleading and clinging, is all conveyed within his one call. It catches the attention of the shuddering child tucked against the curve of his arm.
Wei Wuxian turns over in Luo Binghe’s arms, wide grey eyes peering out from a small cherub face.
“Shizun?” He parrots, lips twitching up with the small beginnings of Cangse’s grin. “Is that your Shizun, Luo-Da-Ge (Big Bro)? He’s so pretty!” Wei Wuxian lets out an innocent laugh.
Wan le (This is the end). Zhe xia zhen de ke wan le. (This is truly the end.)
Shen Qingqiu feels as if a million arrows have entered his heart, not at all unlike a time where he laid eyes on a child much too abused and felt the urge to spoil and pamper him. To date, that little meatbun from back then is now this huge wall of a man before him, towering over him. Wei Wuxian will eventually put him through the same suffering… but who is to say Shen Qingqiu can’t do something to avoid it?
System: [Warning. Your plan just now is extremely dangerous]
What? Shen Qingqiu can’t help but interrupt. There’s no OOC function here bah? I am THE Baoshan Sanren. I don’t appear anywhere in the story! Hah hah hah hah!
Finally thinking he has one-upped the system, Shen Qingqiu can’t resist the urge to mock it.
However, the system remains totally unfazed, explaining cordially,
[If any of the critical plot events are deviated, your Plot Points will immediately be cleared to 0.]
Wah, kao (fuck)! You mean other than Ke Ai Fen (Cute Points), there’s still another point system here?!
[Indeed. The HP system and PP (Plot Point) system are new upgrades our humble service have added to bring to you a better quality service. Please press on the button ‘O’ to give us a review.] The System pleasantly and shamelessly promotes.
Eh, bubububububu (Nononononono). I don’t want such an upgrade. Give me back the old version 2.0!
“Shizun?” Luo Binghe calls out once again, looking extremely concerned. “Are you…alright?”
Shen Qingqiu lifts his folded fan to his face, appraising Wei Wuxian’s suddenly uneasy features with a passive gaze.
“Wenshi (This master) is fine. There’s no need to be concerned about me.” Shen Qingqiu answers smoothly.
“I heard… that Luo-Da-Ge and Shen-Shu-Shu (Uncle) are friends of Mother.” Wei Wuxian finally bursts out, unable to handle it.
Those tiny little hands wring against each other, scratched and bloodied and bruised with the scars of mongrels littering his arms. Shen Qingqiu is unable to keep from sympathizing in that moment. He knows how it’s like. He practically has a bite-happy dog (no, wolf yao) on a leash too every moment of the day. When hiding these marks, orange and green make up are the best!
“Will you…” Wei Wuxian begins meekly and can’t seem to cough the words out.
Lowering his hands to the edges of Luo Binghe’s outerwear, he seems hesitant in that moment to broach the topic with his saviours.
“Will you… come see me every now and then?”
Wei Wuxian’s pitiful and resigned smile at the end makes it clear that he switched his mind last minute to change the topic.
Shen Qingqiu feels his heart punctuated by a sharp pang of pain at once.
[Wei Wuxian Protagonist Cute Points: +50]
You’re adding points even for this? Aren’t you too heartless?!
But even claiming it is heartless doesn’t eliminate the fact that Shen Qingqiu will eventually have to allow the Wen clan to kick Wei Wuxian down into the Burial Mound. And regarding that point,
This is really ken die ah, ken die (troubling). Not only did I have to kick Luo Binghe down into the demonic world once, I have to allow another protagonist to be kicked down this world’s equivalent of a demonic world another time. What have I done wrong exactly in my previous life?
Shen Qingqiu bemoans with a face as apathetic as always.
Bu Dai (Don’t adopt). That must be my best option here at this moment. It’s the best way to minimise any loss of points here. A measely 1000 points isn’t much relative to what I’ve managed to build up for Binghe. Moreover, only a fool would make the same mistake. I took Luo Binghe – a stallion protagonist – under my wing last time and he grew up wai (bent) as Bing-Mei (Bing-Sis), who is to say that when I take Wei Wuxian under my wing this time, the reverse wouldn’t happen?
Nevermind that Wangxian is an OTP even in Shen Qingqiu’s mind, of course.
Although it pains his heart to have to refuse such a look, X2 because Luo Binghe is there as well, Shen Qingqiu closes his eyes and prepares to agree.
But it is just at that moment! A distant scream came rattling towards them.
“WEI WUXIAN!”
Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu lift their heads at once, followed a beat later by a fiercely startled Wei Wuxian.
Faced with the sight of purple-clad men riding towards them at the speed of light, Shen Qingqiu could only be stunned speechless.
“And also-!” The lead of the swordriding party widens his eyes when he focuses on them. “Luo Binghe! And you-! You must be—! BaoShan—”
Hearing those two words ‘BaoShan’ coming out from his lips, Shen Qingqiu leaps into action.
Their identities have been botched! How does he know, when they haven’t visited the mortal world for such a long time?!
“Shizun!” Luo Binghe’s face scrunches with fierce concern, hand sweeping out in an instance to catch Shen Qingqiu in his clutches.
Aiya! You don’t cling! How am I going to fly like that?!
Shen Qingqiu muffles his cry full of exasperation, smoothly lowering his face behind his fan and summoning his Xiu Ya. Luo Binghe is quick to reach for his Xin Mo (Demon Sword), only to be intercepted by a quick hand and a diligent shake of his head. With that child yelping out on his chest, Luo Binghe leaps onto Xiu Ya with an arm wrapped taut around Shen Qingqiu’s waist.
Shen Qingqiu takes them up into the sky without a sound.
“Don’t leave!” The purple-clad leader of the group tore after them, a cry on his lips. “You’ve got to wait! Cangse… Cangse Sanren left something for you…!”
“Stop spouting ridiculous things!” Luo Binghe grits his teeth down at their chasers. “Cangse wouldn’t say a thing about us!”
In the decade during which the letters that came from their disciple stopped, Cangse has passed on and left her son in such a state. Luo Binghe, who played more the role of a mother than a father in all manners of parenting, has yet to forget such a shock.
Should Shen Qingqiu, once one of the mighty Twelve Peak Lords of the Cang Qiong Mountain, once-deceased, transmigrated, and a cultivator of over a millennium desire it, it is an easy feat for him to outrun these purple-clad assailants. Yet pondering it over and over again, Shen Qingqiu only puts in a silver of the spiritual energy he’s capable of, never keeping far enough to outrace them, yet never keeping too little to allow them to be caught up.
Luo Binghe, familiar with his Shizun’s capability, looks over his shoulder worriedly.
“Shizun?”
Wo zhe ge mah (This)…tsk. What am I doing now exactly? Didn’t I just make the decision to not take him back? Whew! That was such a close one! I almost ken (tripped) myself again!
Wei Wuxian, not noticing Shen Qingqiu’s thoughtful glance, buries himself deeper into Luo Binghe’s shoulder.
He doesn’t understand anything. He only knows that his stomach is full today from the steamed bun Luo-Da-Ge had given him, and those purple-clad chasers bear a close resemblance to the ones he had pickpocketed from the day before. If Wei Wuxian was caught, there is no doubt in his head that he would be hauled back for a good beating. To have to bear others hitting and slapping him after being bitten by those dogs… that would surely be the last straw in this cold winter.
“Please… Please don’t let them catch me, Shizun… I know I’m wrong…”
Wei Wuxian’s one whispered beg of ‘Shizun’ is enough to make Shen Qingqiu’s heart come to a stop.
Head spinning, vision dizzy, Shen Qingqiu has the strangest feeling that he’s being played again by fate. Why are the two protagonists of these two novels so pitiful early on in their life? Can’t he just ask for a protagonist with a happy childhood for once? Who was the one who decided he should be allocated [The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation], ah?!
Xiu Ya increases its speed in a sharp burst, leaving their chasers far, far behind.
“Oh! So fast! You’re so amazing, Shizun!” Wei Wuxian’s delighted laughter is echoed by Luo Binghe’s face-splitting grin.
“Shizun, I just know you could do it!” Luo Binghe happily envelops his back in his embrace.
“Of course I can.” Shen Qingqiu softly answers.
Yet on the inside, he is the opposite of dignified.
Wan Le (This is the end). Zao Le (This is the end). Zhe Xia Zi (This time round), I’m going to have to bring Wei Wuxian up. I’m going to have to make sure my disciple is as unquestionably gay as possible, and he knows that in order to papapa well, he will first need to have lube—
Through the sound of the wind, the system’s voice announces smoothly in his head.
[Mission 1: Adoption of Wei Wuxian, Complete. Wei Wuxian Protagonist Cute Points +300. Luo Binghe Protagonist Cool Points +100. Beginning the next Arc: Child-Rearing.]
Ni Gei Wo (You) SHUT UP!