Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first day Killua wakes up and Gon is gone, it feels like the world's ended. It feels like someone blew a cannonball right through his middle and took out all his insides. It sucks.

He spends a few minutes blinking up at the ceiling feeling sorry for himself, and then he thinks, This is stupid. And, I thought I had a higher pain tolerance than this.

He's been without Gon for a long time now. Even before Gon was in a hospital bed, he was lost to his guilt about Kite and whatever else made his eyes shade over when he looked at Killua. Plus, Killua's been planning to leave for ages, and he even practiced with all those solo missions back in East Gorteau, and plus he's traveling with Alluka now. So to get hurt because Gon's off climbing a tree is just really, really dumb. He rolls over and buries his face in his pillow until tears stop leaking from it.

If it's his first day without Gon, it means it's his first day truly with Alluka. Killua sets to work hiding their tracks from the Zoldyck family. He may have shown that her powers are no threat to them, but there's no way he believes Illumi would give up on something he wants. Not Silva or Xeno either. Kurapika gets him the contact info of some underworld guy who can give them new documents and identities. They're just going to have to change locations a lot and try not to draw too much attention.

If Gon is the sun, then he lit everything around him. For those first few weeks, Killua is still blinded by his afterimage. If the rest of the world has always been secondary to Gon, then what kind of sick joke is it that Killua now has to live here?

He starts to get used to it. Then it gets bad again. Then better. Always forward and back, up and down, the whole experience messing with Killua's feelings so much he wishes Illumi had been right when he said Killua didn't have any. At the best time the pain is distant, not relevant to his life making daisy chains with Alluka and introducing her to his favorite snacks. Sometimes he misses Gon so much the absence suffocates him, the air in his lungs thin and insufficient. When it's bad it feels like the good times don't count, and when it's okay he gets mad at his past self for being so pointlessly sad.

He runs into Bisky in a town outside Yorknew. "We parted ways," he says when she asks.

She pats him on the head and says, "The first heartbreak is the worst." Killua groans loudly and wiggles out from under her affectionate hand.

"It's not like that," he says, crossing his arms. Bisky cackles knowingly. Killua reaches over and tries to pull her braid, but she flicks him away with her thumb and forefinger and tells him he better train more.

Is it like that, though? The phrase broken heart, if you ignore the gross sappy stuff, resonates. There are pieces of Killua that don't fit together like they used to. It's just that the whole, the person he was with Gon, hurt even worse. When he sees a couple of kids playing janken on the street, it sucker punches him in the gut. It's a type of pain the Zoldyck family training never prepared him for. It just makes him pissed off: at Gon, at himself, at the whole world for making this happen to him.

Gon calls Killua, infrequently at first, then more and more. Killua learns to hold the phone away from his ear when he picks up, when Gon inevitably yells KILLUUAAAAAAA!!! ("You're making me go deaf," he complains the first ten times, but Gon does it anyway.) Just the sound of his ringtone makes Killua's heartrate spike, bad enough that Alluka notices. "Which would you rather lose, nii-chan," she teases, "your phone or your Hunter License?" Killua's traitorous face goes hot.

At first it's a thrill every time. Gon's thinking of him! Then it becomes clear that Gon is just bored. Killua means adventure and fighting. Gon's old life. He always cared about that stuff more than he cared if Killua was beside him to do it. And talking to Gon makes Killua useless for the rest of the day: too sad to do anything, unable to resurface from his memories and furious with himself for not pulling it together. So he starts ignoring his phone, even leaving it behind or turning it off while he and Alluka explore. Sorry I've been really busy, he texts, and doesn't look at the response.

Time passes. Everything falls into the past. He stops expecting Gon by his side, so he stops noticing the absence so much. Some details of NGL and East Gorteau start to fade. (Other details are burned into the space behind his eyes permanently.)

Alluka turns twelve, the age Killua was when he took the Hunter Exam for the first time. It's one of his favorite memories: the leap of delight whenever Gon surprised him, the first thing that had interested him since he left home. Now he thinks about it and his heart is still. In his memory, Gon's insistence on persevering despite all odds seems less admirable than it did before. What were they even chasing with all that effort? Strength? Glory? Ging? None of it ever applied to Killua, and yet sometimes he can still feel his life draining from his body on the floor of an underwater cave in East Gorteau.

Sometimes the Hunter Association calls and asks him to take on projects, and he often accepts, as long as he can make arrangements for Alluka. At first he tried leaving her with Bisky, who he trusts the most, but she came back knowing how to put someone in a headlock. So he starts letting her stay with Kurapika and Leorio, who barely know him but clearly still feel loyalty under the bond that Gon forced them all to believe in. Just because Gon said we were friends doesn't mean we have to be friends, Killua wants to tell them, but he doesn't, because their dumb faces are always smiling when they see him.

Alluka makes friends everywhere they go. Not just adults who pat her on the head when she smiles, but kids her age. Sometimes he loses sight of her at a market and finds her in animated conversion with a group of kids, chatting about what's fun to do in town or getting herself invited to dinner. Killua is awkward with kids his age; he doesn't have much to talk about with anyone who doesn't have any combat experience.

He fights for money, which is boring but easy. Sometimes he runs up against a kid training in martial arts, like Zushi. (Another person Killua was friends with because Gon said he was.) Whenever it's a kid, Killua pretends to struggle so they feel better about losing. Sometimes he chats with them about training, and a few times they even pick up a traveling companion for the space of a few weeks or months. It never feels like the early days with Gon, like Killua is flying and they could do anything in the world. But it never goes bad the way things went bad with Gon either.

Time passes. Gon is still on Whale Island. Killua thinks about him less and less.

-

"Mito-san, plleeeaaaaaaassseeeeeee!!!!!"

Mito crosses her arms. "I said no, didn't I?" she says. "You're a healthy boy, so I know you heard me. Do you think it was an easy decision? Do you think a little word like ‘please' is going to change my mind?"

"But, Mito-san!" Gon falls to his knees and slams his hands on the floor, prostrating himself in front of her. "I'll do anything you want. I'll do double my chores for the whole year!"

Mito turns her face away, eyes defiantly closed. "And how will you do those chores if you're dead? You think I can trust that you'll come home after what happened last time?"

"Please," Gon says again, peeking up at her. If it were up to him, Mito wouldn't even know what happened last time. Morel and Knov visited a few months after he returned home, clapped him on the back and announced to Mito that her son was a hero. And then everything had to come out. Mito was so furious she barely spoke to him for weeks. The worst part is that even though she doesn't really get Nen, she understood that whatever power has been keeping Gon alive through his adventures has dried up. Now any chance he has of leaving the island with her blessing is gone. He isn't unkind enough to leave without it.

It's been two years of sitting around, doing homework and chores until his brain hurts. Two years of lying in the moss on the forest floor, so still the birds land on him and he can almost understand their conversations. Two years of fishing and hunting and swinging off tree branches, wrestling with wolf cubs, bumping noses with seals under the water. Stalking slithery little garter snakes, sprinting after startled hares. He is so. BORED!!!!

"Absolutely not, and that's that."

Gon fumes all the way through dinner, cramming forkfuls of roast fish sulkily into his mouth. If he can't leave the island he's going to die.

He doesn't speak to Mito for another whole day, and she doesn't speak to him either, although he can tell from the way she exhales sharply through her nose when she looks at him that she's annoyed.

Finally, she breaks. "Can't you at least understand why I don't want you to go?"

"Of course I do," Gon yelps, eager to jump back into the argument. "But it'll be safe, even without Nen. I'm only going to be around other Hunters!" And he's still a Hunter. They didn't take his license away, even if he's ruined.

Mito hadn't even planned to tell him. Gon had to find the letter himself, tucked away in a basket near the door. Gon Freecss is invited to a commendation ceremony honoring those who fought the Chimera Ants in East Gorteau.

He gets where Mito is coming from. It's not just what happened back then. She's watched him in the two years since, struggling with his newfound aimlessness, threatened by black waves of despair. It's nearly pulled him under more than once. She has good reasons to worry about him.

But her biggest weakness is that she loves him.

Mito's face creases into exhaustion. "I just don't want you to go thinking it'll be like it was before. You're vulnerable. If there's a threat, I'm worried you wouldn't let someone else handle it."

Gon lets this roll over him, concealing his shudder. Maybe he is vulnerable, but he despises it.

"I know it won't be the same," he says. Despite his best efforts, a tiny note of bitterness creeps in. "But it's something to show for... everything that happened." The bargain he made. Trading his future for one battle and almost dying anyway.

"Please," he says again. Mortifyingly, his voice almost cracks. "I won't ask to leave again. I have to go."

God can see from the way Mito's shoulders shift that she's wavering. He doesn't push it anymore, just watches her face change, her brow softening.

"You're not going alone," she says finally. "Find someone to take you, and you can go."

"Thank you!!! Thank you, Mito-san, thank you, thank you—"

"I don't want to hear it!" Mito glares him down, fists on her hips. "You can thank me by coming back safe. I don't want empty promises this time."

Gon settles, lowering his eyes and bowing his head in acknowledgement. "I won't do anything stupid."

"I can't ask for that. I just want you to come home."

-

Gon wakes up before daybreak on the day Killua is supposed to arrive. He'd wanted to sleep out on the rocks near the ocean, so he could see the ship the second it crested the horizon. But Mito insisted he stay in the house for the last night before he left. He races to the sea as soon as the sky begins to pinken and squints into the sunrise.

Gon hasn't even talked to Killua in forever. Killua is really bad at remembering to text back! It took him ages to even respond to Gon's emails asking if they could go together to the ceremony. His responses had been really boring, too. Sure. What time. Nothing of the zip that Gon remembers from when they used to fight side by side.

So he can't wait to see Killua in the flesh. If he can't get his Nen back, the crackling energy of being with his best friend has to be the second greatest thing.

First there are hours and hours of waiting around. After fishing for his breakfast and gorging himself on a plot of wild strawberries, there's nothing to do but pace in the growing sunlight, his heartrate climbing with the morning temperature. Finally, after nine million thousand years, the ship appears! Except it's coming towards them more slowly than anything Gon's ever seen, slower than the worms that squiggle across his path after it rains.

Gon has to wait another ten years before the ship docks and people start streaming down the gangway, and then finally, finally, there's a tuft of white fluff and angled blue eyes a shade halfway between the sky above and the ocean below. Killua is there, right in front of him, older and taller and a little broader in the shoulders (Gon touches his own self-consciously—could he still open the Testing Gate now?), but it's him.

"KILLUA!" Gon shrieks, waving with both arms. Killua's clear blue eyes meet his, and Gon's heart fills with golden light.

Killua's eyes widen, his face open and softly uncertain. Then his brows knit and he shakes his head. He doesn't smile.

Instead he folds in on himself, shoulders hunching inward. He shoves his hands in his pockets and slinks over to Gon. "Hi."

"Um." Gon wants to pull him into a big, bone-cracking hug, but something about the set of Killua's spine makes him hesitate. Hasn't Killua always looked happy to see him in the past, even if he was playing it cool? Like when Gon showed up at the Zoldyck mansion? "Mito-san wanted me to invite you to lunch while the boat re-stocks."

"Sure." Killua shrugs. He's always been hard to read. Maybe this is just what he's like, and Gon forgot. Despite the chill in his demeanor, he looks really good in his lilac shirt and khaki shorts, a gold pendant on a long chain around his neck. But Killua's always looked good—at least, Gon has always admired him and his unruffled self assurance. And maybe he's confusing Killua's looks with the way Gon feels when he looks at him. He's missed him so much.

Killua greets Mito politely, still as out of place in Gon's family home as he was at age twelve. Mito fawns over him anyway, pushing more food on him whenever he finishes a dish. Killua doesn't get along with his family. Maybe it's the aura of parentlessness that makes Mito feel like she has to be five mothers to him at once. She thanks him multiple times for "looking after Gon," which makes Gon want to burst into flames and fall into a pile of ashes.

Gon doesn't push Killua to talk during lunch. There's always been a side of him that comes out when they're away from adults (Mito, Killua's family, Bisky). It's the magic between the two of them—their ease in combat, their unspoken confidence in each other. Gon is itching to see the glint in Killua's eyes that he gets when they're attacking a goal together. Even if it's only an airship ride to Swaldani City.

When lunch is over, Mito loads them down with food for the trip. Her hands linger on Gon's shoulders before she squeezes, lets go and waves him off. They scramble back to the dock, feet light on the springy grass. For the first time in two years, things feel right.

-

"Killua, where's your sister?"

Killua is looking out at the ocean, his elbows on the ships railing and his face propped up by his hands. Gon sits astride the rail next to him, one foot kicking over the deck and one catching the occasional spray from the bouncing waves.

The boat's movement resonates with his energy, leaping up and down with dizzy joy. Everywhere the sea air brushes his skin, he feels activated and alive. He keeps wanting to touch Killua, his excess energy too big to keep to himself—maybe just to put a hand on Killua's shoulder or play with his hair while they talk. He's so happy to see him that he wants more, to look closer, to be closer.

But Killua's energy doesn't match Gon's. He's watching the waves like he's trying to break their code.

"With Leorio and Kurapika."

"Why didn't you bring her with you?"

The wind throws Killua's hair into his face no matter how often he pushes it away. He gives up, letting white wisps lash his cheeks and forehead.

"I'm going on a mission for the Hunter Association right after this. So I wanted her to be somewhere safe."

"Oh." Two years of almost no news washes over Gon and leaves him a little woozy. Killua works for the Hunter Association? Gon doesn't know what he was picturing. Killua traveling the world having adventures like Ging, maybe. "What kind of Hunter are you?"

"Dunno. Whatever they need, I guess."

"Oh." Gon kicks his feet a little harder, determined not to let Killua blow him off. He's been out of the loop for so long, and right now his fingertips are finally scratching at the outside of the glass. "Where do Leorio and Kurapika live?"

Killua sinks a little lower into his slouch. "It's some town in the mountains in Saherta, I guess it's close to where Leorio went to school. Kurapika doesn't really stay in one place anyway. I guess I should have said she's with Leorio."

"But they live together? When Kurapika's around?"

"Yeah."

"That's cool!"

"I guess."

"Killuaaaa." Gon swings one of his feet up onto the railing and nudges Killua's shoulder with his toe. "Why don't you want to tell me about it?"

"Mm."

Gon wasn't sure at first, but now he is. Killua is avoiding looking at him. He wants to make him look, like he made Netero use his right hand to defend himself years ago.

He gives up for now, slinging his hands around his knee and leaning back to look at the sky. "I wish I could visit them."

"It's not that great. They just argue all the time."

"Why do they live together, then?"

Killua looks at him then, a frank glance out of the corner of his eye. "Are you serious? You don't know this?"

Gon's stomach lurches, out of sync with the waves. He knows he's missed a lot, but Killua doesn't have to bring attention to it. For this trip especially, he just wants to feel like things are normal.

Instead of acting like Gon's dumb for not knowing things, Killua could have just talked to him months ago and caught him up. He doesn't want to say that.

"I guess not."

"They're together. Like, together. Romantically. It's annoying."

Gon almost falls sideways into the ocean. He swings both legs around to the inside of the boat, clutching the railing with his fingers. "Seriously??"

"Yeah. For ages now."

Gon's fingers tighten against the railing until his knuckles turn white. When he thinks back on Leorio and Kurapika, he remembers them always fighting—on this very boat, in an elevator, during the exam. He's not surprised that there was love behind it, but this kind?

Was it obvious? Killua seems to think it was. Gon remembers Killua asking him years ago if he'd ever been on a date. He'd felt so experienced then, but it's so dumb looking back. As if humoring some tourists was anything like real romance. He hasn't done anything like that since he and Killua parted. He wouldn't even know where to start.

"I didn't know you could do that," he blurts out.

Killua frowns at him sideways. "Do what?"

Date people. Gon doesn't say that. It's not what he means anyway, but he can't figure out what he means. He's never thought of his friends as people he could date. He wouldn't even know how to tell the difference, how to judge if you wanted something else other than friendship. Gon already loves his friends to what feels like the limit of his capacity. How can you tell if it means more than that?

"I'm just surprised, I guess!"

Killua's back to ignoring him anyway. He stares into the ocean, his eyes glassy, as if he's thinking about something else entirely. Some kind of urgency crawls up Gon's throat and squeezes tight. He didn't like how condescending Killua was being, but Killua not paying attention to Gon is worse. Look at me, he pleads silently, his eyes tracing Killua's profile.

Then Killua does turn, and for a moment Gon's muscles go weak and he almost falls off the ship again.

"I'm gonna go below deck. It's a long boat ride."

It's clear he's not inviting Gon to come with him.

"Okay."

Gon tries not to sound deflated. But it's not a long boat ride at all. They've done it together before, giddily sailing to Yorknew and scheming how to raise money for Greed Island. It flew by, then—Gon taught Killua about all the different kinds of seabirds, and Killua made up a game where they closed their eyes and tried to see who could stand on one foot the longest until the waves made them stumble.

And after the ceremony, Killua is going on some mission. So all they have is this boat ride, plus an overnight airship trip, plus a few days in a hotel, which they might not spend together. And then the trip back home. And then Gon might not see Killua again for another two years.

Gon's not always good at complicated situations. He wants it to be just his stupid misunderstanding. He doesn't want there to be anything wrong.

-

Killua reemerges when they reach the mainland. He's still weird on the way to the airship station, claiming he's too tired to chat. Like they don't both know that Killua barely needs sleep.

"Do you remember when we did this during the Hunter Exam?"

"What, rode an airship? Yeah, Gon, it was thrilling."

Killua's strides keep lengthening. Gon pushes forward to stay at his side.

"It was my first time on one ever."

"Mm."

It's not the airship he wants to talk about, though. He wants Killua to jump back into the memory with him. It was where Killua told Gon about his family, where they tried to get the ball from Netero, one of the first times they'd teamed up. Where Gon got to see Killua's assassin techniques. It was the heady beginning of their friendship, when Killua came into his life all tangled up with new experiences and the excitement of competition in a way that made Gon obsessed with him.

He just wants Killua to like him again.

They pick up their tickets and get on the ship. Gon keeps sneaking looks at Killua, hoping to catch him looking his way, but he never is.

Things are awkward on the ship, when they drop their stuff off in the plush private room the Hunter Association booked for them. They're awkward when they struggle through a quiet dinner delivered to their cabin, and awkward when Killua disappears to go for a walk, leaving Gon to wander on his own. Eventually he gets worn out and curls up in one of the small bunks to sleep. Killua slips into the room once it's dark, settling into the other bed.

Gon listens to him breathing in the dark.

Why is Killua mad at him? They haven't seen each other for two years, and things were fine then. What could Gon have done to offend Killua when he's been trapped on an island?

They've never had to have this kind of conversation before. Whenever Killua was mad at Gon, he'd just yell at him right away. Gon wishes he would.

"Killua," he says softly.

There's a rustling sound of Killua turning over in bed. "What?"

"Do you miss your sister?"

A measured silence. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not a big deal."

Gon stares at the ceiling, although it's too dark to actually see it. There's a thought that's been chasing its own tail around his head for hours.

"Hey, Killua? You know Leorio and Kurapika?"

"Mm."

"Did you know they liked each other? I mean, that way?"

Killua shifts again. Not seeing his face makes his reactions a mystery. It makes it easier for Gon to say what he wants.

"I kind of thought so."

"Oh. I really didn't know."

A soft exhalation in the still air. "You were paying attention to other stuff."

"Well, I was thinking." He takes a deep breath, opening his eyes wide into the dark. "Why didn't we ever date? Back then?"

The silence stretches so long Gon starts to worry that Killua fell asleep. No movement from Killua's side of the room, not even the sound of his breath.

Finally Killua says, "Why would you say that?" His voice is restrained, the sonic equivalent of the way he is at the beginning of a fight, keeping back his abilities so the other party won't know what they're dealing with.

"Just—we were much closer than Leorio and Kurapika. Did you ever think about it?"

Killua doesn't answer. Gon fidgets, tapping his fingers on the sheets.

"No."

"Me neither. But I was just wondering why not."

Killua shifts again. From his voice, it sounds like he's speaking partially into the pillow. "You have to have feelings for each other, Gon. You can't just want to compete with Leorio and Kurapika."

"I'm not! I'm being serious! We should have gone on a date. At least once."

"Go to sleep, Gon." Killua's voice is almost entirely muffled now.

"Killua—"

"I'm going to sleep. Leave me alone."

The sheets rustle again. Killua turning his back on him.

Gon stares into the darkness. There's more to say, and since Killua won't let him say it, it's bouncing around in the hollow of his chest, keeping him from settling down.

For the past two years, Gon's barely let himself miss Killua. Thinking of him—thinking of anything from his old life—is just too hard. It's only now that he's remembering what it used to be like to be near Killua, someone he's always trusted without question. Someone smart and capable and brave, who always understands what Gon means even when he can't explain himself. Except Killua isn't the same, and Gon misses him more agonizingly now than ever before.

The thing is, he's pretty sure he feels whatever Leorio and Kurapika felt. The more-ness that differentiates this friendship than others. The thing that makes Killua burn like white fire in his memories, brighter than anyone he's ever met. The best Gon's ever felt in his life was when they were together. No one has ever been as important. The only part of it he's never thought about before is kissing Killua, and as soon as he thinks about it at all, it's not even a question.

Of course he wants to kiss Killua. He wants everything with Killua. He wants to be closer in any way possible: talking, laughing, catching Killua's eye and watching him grin as he reads Gon's mind, snoozing back to back in a canyon on Greed Island. He wants to lie next to him on a cliff on Whale Island and talk about their futures. He wants to snake his hand down and thread his fingers through Killua's, press their palms together and feel Killua's pulse through the vein in the swell underneath his thumb. He wants to say Killua's name and watch Killua turn towards him, the connection between them humming to life as their gazes meet. Of course he wants to kiss Killua. Why hasn't he done it before?

He turns to the side, throwing his arm over his head. Whatever. If Killua doesn't want to talk, then Gon doesn't want to talk to him either. He's survived the past few years without Killua, and gone through much worse in his life than a dumb silent treatment, anyway.

His next breath trembles. He's been through worse than this, but not without consequences. Two years of darkness yawn underneath him. Killua doesn't understand what this trip means to him.

It takes him a long time to fall asleep.

-

Gon wakes up to the blare of a klaxon. He lifts his head, scrubbing his hands over his eyes. His head is stuffy and hot. The few hours of sleep he got were restless, full of stress dreams about Killua falling away from him, unable to be saved from the jaws of some giant monster. He wishes his subconscious would get the memo that he's not supposed to fight monsters anymore.

Killua's face swims into his vision now, looking aggravated. Gon's chest spasms at the sight of him, reminding him forcefully that he fell asleep last night thinking about them kissing. He blinks the bleariness out of his eyes.

"What's going on?"

"Emergency landing. Something went wrong with the ship's fuel supply."

"Seriously?"

Killua shrugs. Gon can see that he's getting his things together, getting ready to disembark. He turns his back toward Gon to change clothes, pulling his shirt over his head, and Gon quickly looks away, stomach clenching.

The siren pulses red into his skull. Pieces of the morning are falling together slowly, and he wonders, as he does a thousand times a day, if this would be easier if he still had Nen. Did it make his reflexes faster, his energy level higher, his muscles a little stronger? Or was he just happier back then?

"Can we get another ship?"

Killua shakes his head. "I don't know."

It takes a long time for the airship to lower itself, like a giant bird carefully situating itself atop its nest. By the time it alights, the siren has been turned off, and Killua has slipped away to figure out the situation with their transport. Just because he's the one who still has Nen doesn't mean he's the only one who can figure out an airship schedule. But fine. Whatever.

The big ship groans its way into the dirt. Gon streams out into the hallway with all the other confused, diverted travelers. A bewildered toddler catches his eye over her caregiver's shoulder, and he gives her a big grin and a thumbs up.

As he walks outside, a hand touches his shoulder, and he jumps back, raising his hands out of habit. But it's Killua.

He's wearing a new outfit, a gray tanktop and slouchy white pants, with a set of wooden beaded bracelets clacking against each other on one wrist. He looks so good, Gon can barely look at him. He's noticing things he never has before: the way the angles of Killua's body meet each other, the line from his narrow shoulders up his delicate neck.

"No luck," Killua says. "The next station isn't for a hundred kilometers, and they're not flying to Swaldani anyway. The airship company is providing trucks back to where we started."

"Oh." Gon glances around. They've descended into a big open space, a clearing with scraggly patches of brown grass doing their best to cover the ground. To Gon's left and right is sparse forest. "Well, we're not that far though, right? Can't we just go on foot?"

"It'll be a couple days' walk."

"So? We have time before the ceremony."

Killua looks at him properly then, making Gon's heart stumble, but the expression on his face is unreadable. There's tension in the line of his shoulders and the set of his jaw. He's making up his mind, probably, weighing the options, but it feels like he's weighing Gon.

"I guess we'll have to," he says.

"Come on, we used to travel around together all the time! It'll be fun!"

Killua's face darkens, his eyebrows drawing slightly inward in the slightest expression of distress. It somehow makes him look even prettier. He stares at a spot in the dirt.

"Okay."

He hikes his backpack up on one shoulder, turns, and starts to stalk away. Gon guesses he means for Gon to follow him, but it feels like being abandoned.

He stands there, arms hanging useless at his side, as Killua walks away from him. Something is burning in him. He opens his mouth without fully knowing what he's going to say.

"Hey! Killua! What did I do wrong?"

That stops Killua. He turns, startled, the sunlight catching in his pale hair. Gon glares at him, daring him to try and say he doesn't know what Gon is talking about.

"It's not..." Killua starts. He looks at the ground, then looks at the sky, then exhales. "You didn't. I mean, it's..."

"Just tell me!" Gon crosses his arms over his chest. "You've been acting so weird. It's not fair to punish me for something I don't know I did."

"It's not that!" Killua shoves his hands deep into his pockets, his shoulders hunching up near his ears. "I'm not mad. That's not what I... It's not anything you did, okay? I just..." His big blue eyes dart to the side, still avoidant. A little ember of righteous anger smolders under Gon's breastbone. "I don't want it to be like the old days."

The fire flares up. Gon blinks back the hurt. "What was wrong with the old days?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Killua mumbles toward the dirt.

"Why did you agree to come with me at all, then?"

Killua's eyes snap upward to meet Gon's with a flash. "Because I didn't want anything bad to happen to you! I thought if I said no you'd go by yourself and do something stupid."

Shame washes over Gon, but he punches it back, beating it down with the ferocity he once reserved for bad guys. Yes, he's weak. No, he can't take care of himself. But he's living with it, and he never asked for Killua's pity or his help. If Killua cares about Gon, he could have visited at least once in two years. He could have called or written. Gon doesn't want to hear that Killua is trying to protect him now, not if it's out of some weird sense of obligation, not if Killua doesn't even like him anymore.

"If I do something stupid, that's not your responsibility. You can go home if you want. I'll go by myself."

Gon stares him down, squaring his shoulders. Killua glares back. Finally he shifts, shrinking a little more into himself. For someone as strong as Killua, he sometimes seems like he could disappear entirely in a patch of dappled sunlight. "I want to go with you, Gon."

"Okay. So stop treating me like I'm annoying you by being here."

Killua swallows. "I'll try."

"Thank you."

This time, when Killua turns, Gon follows after him.

-

They make their way through the forest, moving vaguely north. The shade is much needed once the sun climbs higher, beaming down hot rays that pull sweat down Gon's face.

It doesn't dampen his energy, though. Killua keeps darting glances at him when he thinks Gon isn't looking. Gon catches him once, on purpose, and the flustered look that crosses Killua's face before he looks away feels like a victory. Killua's body language is relaxing inch by inch, but when they step too close to each other he locks up again.

Gon thought he was just pissed off, but seeing the tension in him now that Killua said he wasn't mad, it looks more like nerves. What would Killua have to be nervous about? Gon is the one who's different. And Killua's always been perfect.

Gon asks about his work for the Hunter Association, and this time Killua actually answers.

"Nothing better to do, and they pay well."

"What do you mean, you have nothing better to do?" If Gon still had his Nen, he could think of a hundred million things more fun to do than quietly accept missions. The best Hunters are discoverers—of new animals, ancient ruins, new peoples, new magic, new countries! How can Killua discover anything if he only goes to places the Association already knows about? "What about finding rare artifacts, or fighting bad guys?"

Killua shrugs a shoulder, stepping over a big tree root with captivating grace. "I don't really care about that stuff. I just became a Hunter to piss off my family."

"Huh?? But we used to do all that fun stuff!"

Killua slants a look at him. Gon's breath jumps. What's that about, anyway? He never used to feel this hungry for Killua's attention, but then, he's never had to work for it before. Killua's always been just behind him, ready to do whatever Gon needs. Did he do the same for Killua? He can't remember. He skips over a puddle of mud, drying quickly in the sun.

"Was it fun?" Killua says.

"Yeah, of course!"

"Hm." Killua looks back ahead into the woods.

"And anyway, you can't get stronger if you're not out there on the frontier."

Killua seizes up with a frown. "I didn't ask what you thought about it."

But Gon wants to know what Killua thinks. It wasn't meant to be an insult. It just doesn't make sense, and he wants to understand. Is Killua okay? Gon wouldn't be happy accepting duties from the Asssication. In fact, he would be miserable, like he has been—but he tries not to think about that anymore.

Killua must sense Gon's dissatisfaction, because he aims a kick at a pebble and says, "If I was out running dangerous missions all the time, I wouldn't be able to look after Alluka. Working for the Association is just a way to get money so I can spend most of my time with her. That's my real life. Not being a Hunter."

Gon chews this over, looking away from Killua's beautiful face so he can think more clearly. He can't think of a single person in his life whose company he'd take over being a Hunter.

"Other people can get stronger than me, I don't care. What's the reward for being the strongest, Gon? Like Netero? Bickering with bureaucrats your whole life and then dying in a hole when you finally find someone stronger than you? What's the point?"

"But..." Gon's head is spinning. Does Killua think Netero died for no reason? He saved everyone, Gon wants to say, but he holds back, because that's not even the real reason this doesn't make sense. Gon wants to be strong to protect the people he loves and to do what's right. But Killua's right that if he's not the strongest, someone else will be. There will always be someone else to face the next wave of Ants, or whatever the threat is. But back when he was a real Hunter, Gon needed it to be him. Didn't Killua feel that?

"What, it's too complicated for you?" Killua says it sarcastically, and Gon knows he's being made fun of. But it is too complicated. He wants to sit down.

Netero gave his life to defeat the Ants, and never before has Gon thought that was a tragedy. Surely that's the point—dying in battle, dying for a reason. The thrill of using your whole strength, strategizing and maneuvering and striking, the purest exhilaration, even if in the end you're not good enough. Killua was a better fighter than Gon for so long. Gon never questioned if Killua liked it.

"It's just not what I'd do," Gon mutters finally. He doesn't like Killua sniping at him and he doesn't like sniping at Killua. It feels different from how they used to bicker, and it makes his head hurt.

-

They keep moving, following a burbling little stream out of the forest and into a rocky plain streaked with crevices. They chat occasionally, Killua telling Gon stories about his life and his sister, about Kurapika and Leorio and Knov and Morel and Bisky. He never asks Gon anything about his life, and Gon gets why, although he wishes he didn't. Killua—all of them, Leorio and Kurapika too—knew when Gon came back to Whale Island that his life was basically over, and they all left him to it. What more is there to say? Gon's not mad, really. He doesn't know what to do with himself either.

And what is he going to tell Killua about? That time he found a cool mushroom under a tree? The nauseating shock of ending up with a life you didn't plan to be alive for? The hours and days and weeks he's spent clawing his way back? To feel like it's old times again, Gon has to keep pretending the last two years never happened.

But something has changed. His gaze is drawn to Killua, and he doesn't want to drag it away. Did blood always rush to his head when their hands brushed? It's hard to say—he was always too busy with other things to notice. Now Killua is all he can think about.

"Killua," Gon says carefully. The kick of nerves thrums through his chest. "You know what I was saying last night? About us dating?"

The space between them fills with deliberate silence. Killua's eyes track his feet as he navigates the rocks.

"I was just thinking. We could still try it. Going on a date."

"Mm." Killua looks determinedly away from Gon, turning so that Gon mostly sees his back. Gon can't sense aura anymore, but the temperature between them drops into frostiness.

"What do you think?" Gon presses. He's not going to let Killua sidle away from this one. He wants to do for Killua what he did for Palm once upon a time—make his face light up and make him feel special. He wants to plan a whole day to make Killua happy.

"No thanks," Killua mumbles.

"Why not?"

"Not interested."

"It wouldn't have to be a big deal. I'd plan everything. You would just have to show up, and if you don't like it, I'll never ask again."

"I won't like it, so stop asking."

"How do you know that?"

Killua stops in his tracks, making Gon almost run into him. He turns, and the look on his face could crumble a mountain into dust.

"Gon. Stop talking about it."

"Why?"

"I said stop, okay?" Even though Killua's mad, Gon can't help but notice how beautiful he looks, the way the sun tips his eyelashes with gold. What is wrong with him??

He wants to keep pushing. What could be wrong with one little date? But he just got Killua to talk to him again, so he can back off for now.

"Fine."

"Fine." Killua turns and slams his open palm against a tree. Lightning skips from his fingertips and arcs upward, silencing a large pheasant that had been sitting on a branch. Killua stands motionless, breathing heavily, while the bird hits the ground with a soft thump.

"Dinner," Killua says dully. He drops his hands. Gon watches him, thinking hard.

-

Gon skins the pheasant while Killua builds a fire. They spent a lot of nights outside during their travels, but with the rocky terrain it reminds Gon the most of Greed Island. All those nights with Bisky dropping stuff on their heads until they learned to stay alert. Gon still wakes at the drop of a pin. Now it's just an annoyance.

Killua keeps a careful distance between them. He puts the fire between himself and Gon while they eat, and when they settle down to sleep, he curls up about ten feet away. It's like he's responding to Gon's desire to be close, shying away like a repelled magnet.

"Hey, Killua?" he says when they've stretched out on the rocks, the stars spread out above them like salt spilled across a tablecloth.

"Mm."

"After this, when I go back to Whale Island. Do you think we'll ever see each other again?"

No movement from Killua's patch of rock. Gon falls asleep waiting for him to answer.

-

The next day, the hostile surroundings melt away in patches to reveal little clusters of houses, huddled little towns. They even stop at an inn for breakfast, wolfing down fruit and porridge before moving on. Gon tries to keep the conversation light, but Killua still seems sore about yesterday. Reminiscing about their old adventures just makes him even moodier, so Gon gives up. Killua's not mad at him anymore, at least it doesn't seem like it—he doesn't pull back or get tense when Gon tries to talk to him about this stuff. He just doesn't respond like Gon wants him to. Killua used to be easy to pull into an argument or a competition. Now he just shrugs and sighs, lifeless.

Has Killua changed? Is he sadder, calmer, quieter? Or is he just like this with Gon?

In the years since they've parted, Gon's never had a friend like him. Has Killua found another best friend? Has he dated anyone in the past two years? Does he have someone he likes right now? These questions are too dangerous to ask, so they stir themselves into a froth in Gon's head. Despite the cloudless sky, the atmosphere is gloomy.

Around midday, Gon picks up on a change. Killua starts checking behind them every few minutes with quick glances, and jumps when Gon's boot crunches down on a patch of dried pine needles. Gon isn't surprised when he says, voice low, "We're being watched. Followed, I think."

He squashes a stab of bitterness at the senses he's lost but Killua still has. It's not quite fair, anyway. Gon may be an ineffective Hunter, but he's still a good hunter, with all the instincts that entails. Even without Nen, he can feel the telltale prickle on the back of his neck.

"Is there any reason someone would attack us?"

Killua shakes his head, then pauses. "I don't know. You're pretty famous, maybe you still have enemies. Or I do. Or it's just a couple lowlifes looking to mug some kids."

"Are you sure they mean us harm? Maybe they're just surprised to see us. Probably not too many travelers through here." Killua's eyes narrow. Gon knows what he's thinking: better to assume something's dangerous. He changes tack. "Do you want to go after them?"

"No," Killua decides. "Whether they attack us or we attack them, it'll be the same. Let's just keep going. Maybe we'll get to another town and lose them."

"Sure."

Gon keeps walking, a little sputter of sparks igniting in his veins. It's been so long since he's been in anything approaching danger. His thoughts start to move faster, his spine straightening, breath quickening. You can't fight, he tells himself firmly. But maybe he can, if whoever's tracking them isn't a Nen user. Maybe it's just ordinary thieves? Gon hasn't fought in years, but his body is still quick and powerful. His muscles itch with impatience.

"Killua," he whispers. "Should we come up with a plan?"

Killua scans the sides of the path. "Nah. The plan is just—Gon, stay back!"

Gon's body responds before his brain fully hears, jumping back just as a huge mass roars past him. When it lands he can see it's a large tiger, at least twice the size of any he's seen before, its haunches raised and huge teeth glistening in its snarling mouth. Something is off about it—a shimmering at the edges, or the way its paws don't seem to bear its full weight.

"Made of Nen," Killua gets out before he sprints forward, punching the tiger in the nose with a crackle of lightning. The big cat falls back with a growl, eyeing Killua warily. Killua does something Gon's never seen—electrifies himself or something—surrounding himself with white lightning, his hair standing on end.

Another shape stalks out from the trees, a large man in shabby clothes and a big wiry mustache, muscles bulging. "Are you Killua Zoldyck?"

Killua snorts. "Guess so."

The man grins. "I heard bringing you in would get me in good with the Zoldyck family."

"Don't you think if they wanted me, they'd come get me themselves?"

"Maybe. But they're up on a mountain, and you're right here, so I think I'll try it myself."

The tiger lunges from behind just as the man leaps forward. Killua kicks him in the stomach and twists in the air, catching the tiger with his yo-yo. In an instant he's back on the man again, knees on his shoulders and punching him hard in the face. He moves so fast Gon can barely track him, an arcing ball of light.

The man has no chance, Nen tiger or no. Killua is faster, stronger, and more experienced. But he has just enough tricks to draw the fight out, keeping Killua from defeating him outright.

Gon's hands clench and unclench at his sides. There's adrenaline coursing through him, pressure building inside his ribcage and behind his eyes, making his vision unsteady. This is it, a snapshot of what the last two years have been like: forced into a constrained, compressed version of his life, pretending to be okay with sitting out.

Killua spins and lashes out, his movements fluid and feline. He drives an elbow into the tiger's windpipe, zaps lightning into the man's sternum, blocks a kick and ducks around it to land another blow.

Something cuts through the buzzing in Gon's head. Killua keeps dropping his arm too low on his left side, creating an opening. Gon watches it, senses heightened, and watches the man notice it, and then he's lunging forward, shrieking "Killua!"

His body connects with Killua's, shoving him out of the way, and then there's a dull impact against his side and he's flying.

"Gon, what the hell! Just let me handle it, idiot!"

Gon hits the ground, rolling over once before immediately pushing himself back up to his feet. The left side of his body doesn't seem to come all the way up with him—it's crumpled somehow, and he doubles over, clutching at it. "You weren't handling it," he yells anyway, defiant.

More rough scuffling noises, and then the sound of a body dropping to the ground, too big of a thwump to be Killua's. Gon tries to look at the damage, but his vision is clouded by black spots. He lets himself fall to his knees, and then regrets it when it jolts the crushed part of his side.

"Gon!" Killua's voice comes from yards away, but he's at Gon's side within an instant. He's not electrified anymore, and his face is even paler than usual, a big swipe of dust across one cheek. "Dumbass, why did you do that? You can't even do Ten, a single blow could have killed you!"

"He would have hit you," Gon says. "You left an opening." The pain reaches a crescendo, and he closes his eyes until he can take in visual information again.

Killua looks like he's about to explode. "I meant to! Do you think I couldn't handle that oaf? I was just trying to get him in closer so I could finish it! I told you to stay back!"

Gon opens his mouth to speak, but breathing in causes a shock of pain that silences him. He closes his mouth and punches the ground in frustration, barely even disturbing the dirt with his weak, auraless fists. He tries to speak again, but this time he chokes as his throat restricts. Hot tears slide down his face, splashing into the dirt.

"Gon." Killua's voice is thin, his eyes wild. He's terrified. Gon's bruised heart squeezes tight—it's the most care Killua's shown for him yet. "Okay, it's okay, we'll fix this—"

"It's not that," Gon chokes out. He wipes his arm across his eyes furiously, blinking hard. "It's just a cracked rib, I've cracked ribs before, I don't care about that."

"Well, it's different now! You won't recover as quickly—"

"Stop saying that! I don't care about getting hurt. I wanted to fight."

Killua sits back on his heels, his expression lost. He looks younger, more like the Killua that Gon remembers. He speaks in a changed voice, softer. "Sorry, Gon. It must be hard."

"Shut up." Gon squeezes his eyes shut, and more stupid tears push their way out. "Shut up! Don't try to make me feel better! Why didn't you ever visit me?"

"What?"

"If you care then why didn't you visit me? Why didn't you ever answer the phone?" Gon doesn't want to be saying this, because he doesn't want Killua to pull back again. But it's spilling out of him like the tears did. "If you cared you would have been there! So don't pretend like you care if I get hurt now!"

Killua's eyes are wide, lips parted in shock. Gon watches him think, decide to speak, and then stop himself, struggling for words. Maybe Killua's silence in answer to all Gon's questions wasn't just poutiness, but difficulty finding what to say.

"I wanted to visit," he says finally. The skin between his eyebrows creases. "But it wouldn't have been good for me."

"Oh, and you think it was good for me? You think I liked spending all that time by myself?" Gon breaks off, panting, his breath too shallow to support yelling. He is bubbling over with anger at his useless ribcage.

"That's not what I mean!" Killua digs his fingertips into his knees, leaving dusty prints on his white pants.

"What do you mean, then?"

Killua makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. He runs a hand through his hair, already messed up from the fight, so it looks like a goosedown pillow erupted.

"Don't," Gon says. "Don't get mad. Because you keep getting mad at me when all I'm doing is trying to talk to you! You're supposed to be my best friend! I want to be with you—I want to be with you, like I asked you about—and you won't even talk to me. You won't even look at me!"

Killua draws back like he's been slapped. His eyes cloud over, and his face shuts down. He looks—Gon reaches back for his memories of Killua's reactions—badly shaken.

When he speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper.

"I didn't think you were serious."

"About what? Wanting to date you?"

"Yeah."

Gon wants to shake him. He would, if he could lift his arms that high without disturbing his fracture.

"Why would I say that if I wasn't serious!"

Killua swallows, his eyes meeting Gon's, steady and serious. "Don't. Don't joke. You really want to go on a date?"

"Yes," Gon says, "yes, I really like you but you're being a big jerk to me!" He was angling for an apology, and he hasn't heard one yet, and Killua is getting really distracted.

Killua jumps to his feet. "So you like me?"

"Yes!"

"So why didn't you say that years ago!" Killua is going the opposite way of apologizing. He's getting mad again, his shoulders hunching up and his hands clenching into fists.

"I told you I didn't think about it until now!"

"Well, then, you're stupid," Killua spits. He crosses his arms over his chest and glares down at Gon.

"That's not fair! You said you hadn't thought of it either."

"I lied. I thought about it a lot. You just couldn't see it, or didn't want to, so I left, so I don't want to go out with you now. You might think our friendship was fun, but it wasn't fun for me, it sucked."

The ground tilts under him. Gon catches himself on his hands.

Killua liked him? Gon casts his mind back, half expecting to suddenly remember signals—a glance or a touch—that will explain everything. But his memories stay stubbornly the same.

"How was I supposed to know about that? You never told me."

"You didn't pay any attention." Killua breathes in through his nose, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. "This is stupid! I can't talk to you about this right now. We need to get out of here."

"Okay," Gon says. He starts to rise to his feet, ignoring a starburst of pain, but Killua's hand on his shoulder pushes him back down.

"Gon! I didn't mean to get up. Sit down, you're just going to make it worse."

"It's fine, a cracked rib heals on its own."

"Not if you're walking around all day, idiot. I'm just going to do what we should have done all along and call the Association. They can send a private ship." He pulls out a cellphone—not the beetle-shaped one Gon remembers from that market in Yorknew—and steps away to make the call.

Gon watches him talk, not listening to the words. He can deal with pain, but it's a red haze in his mind, limiting what else he can pay attention to. With all the color drained out of his face, Killua looks tired, much more so than a ten-minute fight would cause. His fingers drum nervously on his thigh.

After a few minutes, Killua shuts the phone and turns back to Gon.

"Are they sending an airship?"

"No, they're sending a guy who can teleport. Should be like twenty minutes. Practically every Hunter is already in the city, and everyone loves you. I can't believe I didn't think to call earlier."

Gon thinks back to when they decided to go by foot. Killua had that awful look on his face, like he couldn't think of anything worse than walking with Gon for a couple days. But he could have said no. He didn't have to come in the first place, no matter what he says about not trusting Gon to get there safely on his own. He keeps saying he doesn't want to see Gon or talk to him, but he's here, and Gon saw the look on his face when Gon got hurt. It seems unlikely that Killua, who works for the Hunter Association, would have forgotten that they could arrange transport.

"Okay." He sits back in the dirt, gingerly crossing his legs in front of him, trying not to jar his torso too much. Killua hovers for a minute, awkwardly silent, before perching on a nearby rock.

Gon closes his eyes. The adrenaline is ebbing, leaving a wave of exhaustion in its wake. The pain in his side is an insistent throb, a blaring alarm telling him information he already knows. He suddenly misses Mito, more than he ever did back in the day. Back then, with Killua, he never felt lonely.

"Gon," Killua says in a low voice. When Gon looks at him, he has his arms around his knees, staring at the ground. "Do you really want to be together? How would that even work? We have completely separate lives now."

Gon's entire body aches. Thinking about this makes him too sad. "You said you don't want to, so why are you even asking?"

They don't speak again.

Chapter Text

Killua was right about one thing: everyone is happy to help Gon. He didn't expect it, even though this ceremony is partially celebrating him. Gon knows from Leorio that he attained celebrity status after the fight with Neferpitou, and it makes sense that two years isn't enough time for people to forget that. But Gon has pushed this whole life so far behind him. It's disorienting to find that it was here waiting for him the whole time.

A Hunter with a transportation power takes him and Killua to the hotel, where they're swarmed by Hunter Association officials. They ferry Gon to his room, away from Killua, and he lies in bed in a daze while a Hunter with a healing power painstakingly knits his rib back together. Then the people he knows start to trickle in to say hi.

The room they've given him is a massive suite, with a little sitting area with couches and a coffee table. It fills up with Hunters who stick around to chat.

Gon is surprised and delighted anew at every visitor. Goreinu and Tsezguerra! Knuckle and Shoot! Satotz! Even Wing shows up, which almost makes Gon cry again. Then Bisky enters and he does cry, just a little, while she ruffles his head and says, "I know, I've gotten even more beautiful!"

If they're all making the effort to come see him, then why has he felt abandoned for the past two years? Was it all in his head? Did he exile himself?

Or is it that they're willing to visit, but not engage? After all, what can Bisky do for him now?

Gon's friends sit around for hours, reminiscing about old fights. Wing tells Bisky how Gon and Killua coerced him into training them, and she laughs until she's wiping away tears. Morel passes around some kind of flask that no one will let Gon drink from, and the room takes on a party atmosphere, with everyone pulling out their most outlandish Hunter stories. Once again, the conversation steps around the question of what Gon's been doing. It's nice to be treated like he's still part of the gang, but it starts to wear on Gon that he's not ever going to have any more adventure stories of his own to tell. Eventually he kicks everybody out, pleading the need to sleep off his injury.

The absence of Killua is a big yawning emptiness inside him. He curls up around it in his bed, thinking of the panicked look on Killua's face when Gon told him how he felt. What did he do to make Killua so afraid?

He rolls onto his back and spreads his arms out wide on the cool sheets. He wants to see Killua. He wants to travel with him again. He wants to hear his name on Killua's lips. He wants to cup Killua's cool face in his hands and kiss his mouth in the summer breeze. He wants to press their bodies together and feel Killua breathe against his chest. Now that he knows how he feels, there's no end to what he wants; whatever comes into his head, his heart keeps answering yes, yes, yes.

There's something that's bothering him about what Killua said before, that all the adventuring he and Gon did didn't mean anything to him. Because they were together for almost two years, and Killua fought like a demon, risking his life over and over. If he didn't care, then he must have been fighting for Gon's sake. It makes his stomach squirm. He was never fighting for Killua's.

Gon replays their argument in his head over and over, picking apart what Killua said and did, trying to strategize around Killua's feelings like he does with a fight. No matter how much Killua is trying to avoid him, he's going to see him at the commendation, and he has to be ready.

-

The next morning, they send Gon a lavish breakfast in his room, and then someone comes to bring him down to the hall where the commendation is to be presented. It's not the same building where Gon met Ging years ago, but that meeting echoes in his head.

He's ushered backstage into a group of Morel and Knov, Knuckle and Shoot, Ikalgo and Meleoron, Palm and—Gon's heart turns over—Killua.

Killua looks at him, startles, and then tries to look away fast enough to pretend he didn't see him. Some of the old anger licks through Gon, so quickly it scares him. He doesn't want to feel like that toward Killua. He clenches his fists and marches up to his friend.

"We should talk."

He half expects Killua to ignore him. Instead, Killua shifts his weight back a little onto his heels, sighing and putting his hands behind his head.

"Yeah, I guess we should. After this?"

Gon nods. He lets his eyes travel down to assess Killua—looking overwhelmingly pretty just in a collared shirt, yellow hoodie and gray shorts—and looks up to see Killua doing the same to him. His mouth goes dry, but then Killua says, "Your injury is better."

"Some Hunter helped stick it together. It's still sore, but it won't move while it's healing."

"Mm."

Killua's eyes slide away, followed by the rest of his body as he turns, returning to his conversation with Palm. Gon vaguely recalls that Killua was involved in rescuing Palm from the Ants, but he doesn't know the details. It's odd to see them tipping their heads together and laughing, especially now that Killua is only a few inches shorter than her. Again, Gon has the dizzying feeling that this world has continued in his absence.

Gon follows the rest of the group out on stage, and the ceremony starts.

This is what he came here for. This is what he wanted, some level of acknowledgement in front of everyone that he existed, no matter how brief his glory. But he's distracted, disoriented by the bright lights and hyper aware of Killua's every movement three feet away. It occurs to him for the first time that he has no idea what happened during the palace invasion. He spent the entire event facing off with Pitou until the fight that took him out of commission. The presenter reads out acts of courage performed by Knuckle, Shoot, Morel, and Gon's guts twist in shame. Does he even deserve to be here? Was he really a part of the team, or did he just use them to get him somewhere he could let his rage explode?

He stares out into the audience, letting the lights burn his eyes until his vision distorts. When they read out his name, highlighting his heroic sacrifice of health and abilities to kill Pitou, the crowd roars, and Gon feels a little sick. He can't remember the fight that clearly, certainly not the moment of decision that took away his Nen. Fourteen was too young to understand the emptiness that would follow, how many years were left in a life he's now forced to navigate in this reduced state.

After the ceremony, Killua beckons him with a little head movement. Gon follows him back to his room, a suite similar to Gon's own, and they settle on opposite couches. Gon sits with his back straight, his feet flat on the floor and his hands resting on his knees. Killua pulls one knee up, lounging back on the cushions.

"Okay, let's talk." He doesn't look happy about it. At least now Gon has some idea why.

"I want to clarify something," Gon says, his voice steady despite the rapid hammering of his pulse. "I don't just like you. I'm in love with you."

Killua's eyes fly wide open. He stares at Gon, his facial muscles struggling to know what to do. No threat they've faced has ever made Killua look so lost, his body poised in fight-or-flight.

"What—" Kilua starts, and then gulps down the rest of the words. He blinks hard, and Gon manages to tear his eyes away the second Killua's face starts to crumple. He stares at the ceiling, politely pretending he didn't notice. In his peripheral vision he sees Killua turn away, hiding his face behind his knee. Gon concentrates on counting the ceiling fan blades. Killua wipes his hoodie sleeve across his face, and when Gon finally looks back, Killua is looking at him, pink-eyed and composed.

When he speaks, his voice is low.

"Don't say that if you don't mean it."

"I do mean it."

Killua's eyebrows tilt inward, his mouth tightening around the corners. "Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do about it?"

Gon hesitates. In his mind, this went a lot differently. Yesterday was confusing, and he was in a lot of pain, but he's pretty sure Killua confessed feelings for him. When you tell someone you return their feelings, they're not supposed to start crying and get mad.

"You said I didn't pay attention," he says. "And that I didn't notice anything. And you're right, I didn't. I think there was a lot that you felt that I didn't know about. So I'd like you to tell me, please."

"Tell you what?"

Gon's fingers tighten on his kneecaps. "What I didn't notice. I'm listening."

Killua stares at him. He's not following Gon's plan at all. "You're trying to apologize to me by asking me to tell you about how much I liked you?"

"Well," Gon says. It just sounds conceited when he puts it that way. "I thought you might want to."

Killua ducks his head, letting his bangs partially cover his eyes. "I don't."

"Why not?"

"Too embarrassing," Killua mumbles.

Gon remembers Killua saying that before, whenever he would start talking about how great Killua was or how important their friendship was. It was always embarrassing for Killua, never for Gon. He's pretty sure it's only embarrassing if you make it that way.

"Please," he says. "I can't make things better if I don't even know what I did."

Killua shakes his head. "It's hard."

"I know."

Killua chews on his bottom lip, watching his own fingers trace circles on the couch cushions.

"You might never see me again," Gon offers.

"I'll tell you, just let me think."

"Fine."

"Okay."

Gon's heart is pounding out of his chest, but he can wait as long as it takes. It's like hunting, staying perfectly still until a frightened hare relaxes enough to tentatively step toward you.

"It's like," Killua says. "Okay. Remember the dodgeball game?"

Gon hesitates. "On Greed Island?" He remembers that as one of their only escapades that was purely fun—no one died, no one was playing for stakes higher than a card in a video game. And best of all, he and Killua got to work together, matching their limitless determination to make each other stronger.

"Yeah." Killua's voice is calm, but his fingers fidget with the edge of the couch cushion, and Gon's canine nose detects the acrid note of sweat. "Remember it messed up my hands? But I did it because you needed me to. And we won. I think, after that... I think I got mixed up about that. Like I thought that we won because I let myself get hurt. And that me getting hurt was helping you. Maybe even the more hurt I got, the more it was helping you. And I wanted to help you because you were so messed up about Kite."

He breaks off. Gon tries to think back to East Gorteau, but his memories are too jumbled by the intensity of his emotions at the time and the big blaring beacon of Neferpitou. He remembers snapping at Killua, but he apologized, didn't he?

"I wanted to be your friend so much," Killua says. "So I was trying to earn it. It was like... nothing that happened to me mattered as long as it helped you even a little bit. And it just went too far, and I was hurting all the time, and you didn't care, and I couldn't do it anymore. And the longer we've been apart, I've just thought... why did I do that? What was so special about you that I went crazy like that? Sorry."

"It's okay."

"So I don't know, Gon. I think it's too late. I don't..." He stops and breathes before continuing, one full inhale, one full exhale. "I do feel it. I was—" His face pinkens, and he frowns his way through it, like he's trying to intimidate it into stopping. "I was—in love with you. I just can't go back to that. Do you know I almost died? What if I'd died, and Alluka had stayed locked up by my family forever?"

Gon's brain is full of holes. He runs the images of East Gorteau back desperately. "When did you almost die?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Hey!" Gon sits up a little straighter. "Stop that! You can't get mad at me for not paying attention and then push me off when I'm trying. I didn't know that you felt that way, okay? If I'd known, of course I would have cared!"

"It doesn't even matter. It's not about you. It's about how I felt. It's not good for me to be around you, Gon. I just... can't be smart around you."

Gon wants to yell back, Well I can't be smart at all! But he's always blurting things out. He's never really stopped to think about how anything he said would make Killua feel. Even when he said nice things, about Killua being his friend, it was never to make Killua feel good. Just his mouth opening and saying whatever words came into his brain.

Now that he thinks about it, the last time he did something specifically for Killua was probably rescuing him from the Zoldycks after the exam.

It's starting to take shape why Killua doesn't want to remember their past adventures.

"You have to let me try to change your mind," he says, leaning forward with urgency. "Maybe I've been a bad friend. But I could be a good boyfriend. I can show you."

Killua's face draws even more closed. "Don't make me into one of your stupid goals. I'm not some new Nen move."

"That's not fair." The more Killua pulls away, the more Gon wants to get closer, but trying to force it will just make it worse. It sends a nervous energy buzzing through Gon's fingers and toes. "I'm trying to be better."

"I didn't ask you to."

"Well, I want to!" Oops. Gon takes a deep breath, trying to push all the agitation out of his body. It works, kind of. "Sorry. You're right, I don't want you to feel like... like I'm treating you like that."

"There's just nothing you can do, okay?"

Gon can't accept that. "Forget dating, then. Why don't you just let me take you out as an apology? Not a date. Just let me buy you dinner."

Killua hesitates. "Tonight?"

"Yeah! Do you have plans?"

"Nah."

"So will you hang out with me?"

Gon watches Killua's brow furrow as he processes this. Please please please. He's sure there is a part of Killua that wants to leave now and never see him again, but he's equally sure there's a part that doesn't—if only for nostalgia—the part that agreed to take Gon on an airship to Swaldani and take him by foot if necessary. Maybe Killua's right, and doing these things was a bad idea, but this is the last chance Gon has to make it a good one.

Finally, Killua lifts his eyes to the ceiling. "Yeah, okay."

"You will??"

"I said yeah."

Gon jumps up. "Great! You won't regret it!"

"Don't make this a big deal, it's just dinner."

"Right. Thank you, Killua! I'll see you later!!"

Killua's voice says, "Wait, where are you going?" but Gon is already jogging out of the room. He's not just going to bring Killua to the crepe stand down the street. This requires serious prep.

-

In the end, it takes Gon much longer than expected to decide where to take Killua. What was easy to plan for Palm—an intimate picnic, a dazzling spectacle—seems insipid when he imagines Killua's reaction. He's not easily impressed. Gon is starting to believe it's true that he never paid Killua enough attention, because he can't think of anything Killua would get excited about. He never cared much about food, except for snacks and chocolate, and he only really engaged with training and fighting. The only thing Gon might have confidently said Killua liked was Gon himself, and now he's not even sure of that anymore.

It takes harder thinking than he's done for years, but he finally comes up with a plan, and dashes around to set everything up in time to meet Killua in the hotel lobby.

Killua has changed clothes, a detail that does something funny to Gon's heart, even though he really did mean it that this isn't a date. Killua still dressed up, sort of, in a navy sweater and skinny black jeans. He has a chocolate lollipop in his mouth and both hands in his pockets.

"Where are we going?" His voice is muffled. He moves the lollipop from one side to the other with his tongue.

"Nowhere," Gon says proudly.

Killua takes the lollipop from his mouth. "I thought you were really excited about this."

"I got us some food to eat here! The hotel has some great chefs. They're going to send up a bunch of fancy courses!"

"Send up to where? Your room?"

"Nope." Gon is vibrating with excitement, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "Come on, let's go!"

He grabs Killua's hand, meaning to drag him to the elevator, but drops it immediately, his stomach lurching. It's too intense. He wants to do that more slowly, savoring the feeling of Killua's cool skin. He grabs the sleeve of Killua's sweater instead, which Killua yanks out of his grasp after a few steps, trailing after Gon on his own.

Gon takes Killua up to the twelfth floor. After he got his idea, he ran down to talk to the hotel staff about where might be a good place to hang out—other than his room, which feels weirdly intimate. They allocated him a small meeting room intended for business conferences, complete with a side table for a buffet. The Hunter Association must be paying the hotel enough to afford some special consideration for their star guest. On Gon's request, they've cleared out the big table and chairs in the room, but left the projector screen used for presentations.

"Gon..." Killua says, looking around. He's baffled, which is at least better than pissed off.

Gon shuts the door behind them and takes a deep breath.

"I thought really hard about how to show you a good time," he says. "I don't think you ever cared about going anywhere fancy or popular. So I was thinking about what times we had together that were actually fun. And I think the best memory I have is that time we were stuck in that room for fifty hours. During the Hunter Exam. Remember?"

Killua's face barely changes expression, but Gon can see his mouth twist slightly. Like he's amused but trying not to be.

"Gon, that was a punishment."

"I know! I was so mad about it, too, after you and I both won our contests. But that was when we got to know each other! You taught me to skateboard and I taught you to use a fishing rod and it was the most fun I'd ever had with a kid my age. And I think you had fun too, because we were friends after that."

Killua ducks his head, but Gon can hear a little snort of laughter escape him. "So are we gonna be locked up here for fifty hours?"

"Nope. I just thought we could hang out, eat some food and play the new Monster Thief game."

Killua's head snaps up, his eyes wide. Gon's chest floods with satisfaction.

"How do you have that?? That's not out for another three months."

"Like you said, every Hunter is in this city right now. A Tech Hunter who remembered me from the elections did me a favor."

Gon was worried that maybe Killua didn't like games anymore, but his eyes are shining.

"Cool, right?"

Killua struggles to train his face into apathy. "It's okay, I guess."

Gon beams. "And I got you this!" He ducks underneath the snack table and pulls out a big box of chocolate robots.

The little half-smile on Killua's face grows. "I can buy those for myself, Gon." But he nudges the box a little closer to himself with his foot.

They flop down on the floor to play. The game is pretty confusing to Gon, but Killua sets it up instantly, creating his character before Gon has even figured out which buttons are which. He complains loudly when Gon takes a long time to create his, insisting that it doesn't matter. "You're just going to lose anyway."

"If it doesn't matter, then just let me do it!"

"But you're taking forever."

They finally get started, and play for about five minutes before the door opens and the hotel staff brings in the first round of food. Gon falls on it hungrily, and is gratified to see Killua doing the same, loading up his plate and shoving food into his mouth with obvious satisfaction. Killua probably wouldn't admit it, but Gon knows he planned a good not-date.

For all Killua's posturing about winning, the game isn't even one where they're playing against each other. Instead they're supposed to team up to steal treasures from a big underground cavern full of monsters. Gon, whose only video game experience is Greed Island, is not good at it. His little avatar keeps running into walls and slipping on swamp monster slime while Killua is jumping from ledge to ledge, doing little somersaults in the air to pick up treasure as he goes.

It doesn't matter. Killua is laughing, elbowing Gon out of the way to get full use of his controller, chomping on chocolate robots. Some part of Gon that hasn't relaxed since the World Tree is finally at ease. He made Killua come back.

They play for hours, with the occasional food intermission, until Gon notices his eyes crossing a little as he tries to focus on the screen.

"Killua, let's take a break."

"What? No way."

"Killuaaaa." Gon shoves him with a shoulder. "I'm getting a headache."

"Fine." Killua pauses the game (how? Gon didn't know you could do that) and sets his controller down, reaching up into the air to stretch his arms. Gon averts his eyes from Killua's lithe body, feeling warm. "You're terrible at this, anyway."

It's true, but Gon still bristles. "It's just a game. If we were fighting monsters in real life, it'd be a different story."

Killua lets out a snort of laughter. "Yeah, right." He pushes himself to his feet, his bones cracking unpleasantly after so much sitting. "Do you want another soda?"

Gon doesn't move.

"Gon?"

Killua probably didn't mean to say it. But he did. Gon's heart pounds, a bitter taste in the back of his throat.

"You don't think I can fight?"

Killua hesitates. "What?"

Gon grips the controller harder. "Do you think I'm done fighting? That I'm useless now?"

"Gon. What are you talking about?"

"You laughed."

There's a horrible pause, one that makes Gon feel hideously exposed. He can feel Killua looking at him, trying to figure this situation out.

"I didn't mean it like that."

Gon knows that. He does. But he's tired, and his head is really starting to hurt, and the flames of anger are licking at his feet.

"You wouldn't let me fight before. When that guy attacked you."

Killua looks caught, a kitten shocked by a spritz of water. "I..."

He's being unfair. What can Killua say? Gon doesn't have Nen. He couldn't have done anything. He could easily have died trying. Killua's responsibility, his whole purpose on this trip, is to handle threats that Gon can't. But Gon can't stop himself.

He stands, turning to face Killua.

"Use Zetsu."

"Huh?"

"Zetsu. Suppress your Nen. Fight me and we'll see."

Killua stumbles backward a step. "No, Gon, I don't want to do that."

"Why not?" Because he's afraid he'll win, and have to feel bad for Gon. Gon knows that's why, and he also knows that Killua probably will win, that he's much stronger than Gon at this point. But he doesn't care.

Killua looks exasperated. "Because I don't want to fight you."

"I want you to."

"Well, you don't get everything you want."

This is what Gon remembers the most from East Gorteau: rage. It's always been his companion, there to boost his power into the inhuman range, making people go from "he's just a kid" to "let's get him in a room with Neferpitou." After he went back home, it nearly swallowed him, with no one to turn it on but himself. After all, he made the decision; he ruined his own life. The anger was a noose, strangling him until he couldn't breathe.

It's been two years. He's learned some things. He closes his eyes, breathing through his nose until the red starts to clear. Sometimes when he does this, he imagines Killua's hand on his shoulder, pulling him back. This time he thinks of Mito.

He opens his eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Gon..."

Through this whole trip, the only time Gon has seen Killua's face unguarded is when he got hurt. But now Killua is gazing at him, forehead creased and eyes endlessly sad.

He's stunning. Gon is helpless against it.

Killua shoves his hands in his pockets. "I probably do owe you an apology."

Gon blinks.

"For cutting you off. That must have really sucked. You didn't deserve that. I guess I was just thinking of myself. I honestly didn't think you'd miss me."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you didn't care. You didn't even need me during the palace fight. You left me behind long before I left you."

That can't be right. There has to be some way to prove Killua wrong. But... Gon can't remember what Killua did during the palace invasion, not after he left Gon in the room with Pitou. He can't remember talking to Killua very much at all after his fight with Knuckle.

"And you were an incredible Hunter," Killua says. "It must suck to lose that. I'm really sorry. But you should be proud. No one could have done what you did to Pitou, maybe not even Netero. I could never have done it."

Gon shuts his eyes again. Sometimes he can still feel the cracking of Pitou's skull under his fist. It didn't feel good, not the broken mess he made of Pitou's body, not the amount of power he poured into his own. It tore him apart, stretching his cells beyond their capacity. It felt natural then, the outward reflection of what the grief was doing to his heart.

"I shouldn't have done it."

"We have no way to know what Pitou would have done once the king died. That thing was too smart to go back to the palace and get poisoned. You might have saved thousands."

Remembering the excess of that fight, the glut of power and the freak expansion of his body, makes him feel weak and small now. The fogginess of his memories seems to confirm that whatever killed Pitou wasn't fully him. Not the same person who's standing here now, a bony teenager who's stayed up too late playing video games.

He opens his eyes. Killua's anxious form appears in front of him. He doesn't want to repeat his mistakes, focusing on his issues when Killua is right here.

"You were wrong," he says quietly. "I missed you."

Killua shakes his head a fraction. "You missed your life. Nen. I get it."

"No." How can he make Killua understand? Killua is so smart and perceptive and yet so wrong about this. "I missed you. There's no one like you in the world, Killua. I told you how I feel."

He expects Killua to flinch, to shy away from the fragile connection they've made. Instead Killua just stares at him.

"I mean it."

"Gon..."

"Killua." He feels stupid with how close they are, tempted to push the boundaries even though he told himself he wouldn't. "I want to kiss you."

Killua doesn't step back, doesn't tense up. The only movement is his eyes, which grow wide and fearful.

"No."

It's what Gon expected. But...

"It's not fair," he says. "What are you scared of? That you'll like it too much, and like me too much? But I already like you too much. I'm there."

Killua inhales a shaky breath.

"You said you loved me." His voice is barely audible.

"Yes."

"What's that supposed to mean? I can't trust you because I don't know what you mean by it."

Gon gazes at him, taking in his soft hair, his long limbs, his slim body. It's hard to put what he feels into words. He knows he loves Killua because he loves Killua. There's nothing and no one else that compares. But Killua tried hard to express his feelings, and Gon owes him the same.

"You make me feel like myself," he says slowly. "You make me feel like... the person I was when I met you." A happy person. "Like the best version of me. Like when Morel told me to attack him, and I almost killed him, and you brought me back. When I almost killed Pitou too soon, you brought me back. When I almost died"—because of his own bad choices, his own uncontrollable emotions—"you came and found me and you saved me."

He wanted Killua's face to clear, but instead it's darkening. Gon is starting to think he's not good at reading Killua's feelings.

"So you like me because I fix your messes? That just proves my point! Everything you just said is something I do for you, not something about me."

"That's not what I meant!"

Killua crosses his arms over his chest. "You want to date me but you can't even tell me one thing you like about me."

Gon flusters, his foot coming down on air where he thought there was ground. "That's not because I don't like you, it's because I'm bad at talking!"

"Whatever. I should just go to sleep."

"No—" Please. Killua walked away from him once, and Gon knows it'll happen again in a few days, but he can't take it right now. "I'm messing everything up."

"Yeah, kind of."

Gon makes a frustrated noise, almost a growl. "I do like you. You're smart and cool and strong and fun to talk to. I like the way you look so much, I can hardly look at you. I like your hair and your clothes and I like the way you move and the faces you make. You're good at all the things I'm bad at, so I'm better with you. That's all I was trying to say. You don't have to take care of me, I've survived the last few years without you. I just like it better when you're here. I like myself better, and I like everything in the world better if you're next to it. You're a good person, Killua, and I'm lucky you were ever friends with me at all."

Killua is quiet. Gon tries to read his face, desperate, but it's entirely passive, his eyes cast slightly downward. The silence is so absolute, Gon can hear Killua's steady breathing, the rise and fall of his chest the only movement.

Killua's lips move, but Gon can't hear him.

"What?"

"Thank you."

It stabs right through Gon's chest. "Oh."

"Sorry, Gon, I'm—" Killua rubs his hands over his face. "I'm getting mad over stuff from years ago. It's not really your fault."

"It's okay." Gon takes a deep breath. "Do you... I mean... Is there any part of you that still likes me? Even after I messed up so many times?"

Killua makes a small noise in the bridge of his nose. "That's not the point. I don't want to be boyfriends."

Gon is at the edge of a precipice, pushing for one more millimeter of space before he falls. "It matters to me."

Killua crosses his arms again, aggrieved, hugging the sides of his ribcage. "If I could stop liking you I would have done it a long time ago, okay?"

Gon breaks into a smile, warmth spreading out from his stomach like a swallow of hot soup. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Killua says, avoiding his eyes. "But I don't get it. Why are you just feeling this way now? Why not before?"

"I did feel it before! I just didn't know what those feelings meant." Ever since he met Killua, he's wanted to be near him more than anything else. It's just that he was a dumb kid. And he's only slightly less dumb and slightly less of a kid now.

Killua frowns, skeptical. Gon presses forward.

"Killua. Did you ever think maybe I stopped paying attention to you in East Gorteau because I care about you? There was too much going on, I couldn't handle it all. I needed to believe you were going to be okay even if I couldn't be there to protect you. If I'd been thinking about what I'd do if you died, I would have completely snapped."

He completely snapped anyway, but he's hoping Killua won't bring that up.

Killua's voice is soft and serious. "It still wasn't fair."

"I know. I'm sorry. I was just a kid. I didn't handle it well."

It's not enough. What he's been able to express is so inadequate compared to what he feels. It hurts that Killua could think it was even possible for Gon not to love him.

Killua sets his shoulders, seeming to come to some resolution.

"You know what you said before," he says. His cheeks flush a delicate rose. "What you said you wanted to do."

"Kiss you?"

The flush deepens to brick.

"Yeah." Killua slouches, looks up, feigning—Gon's known him long enough to be sure it's feigning—indifference. "You can. I guess. If you want."

Gon's stomach drops out of his body. Killua is all cozy textures—soft hair, soft sweater—set off by the knife-sharp angle of his defensive shoulderblades. Gon wants to take him in his arms and smooth him all out.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. So don't ask me again. Just do it, okay?"

Gon takes a step forward. Electricity races up his spine, arcing between vertebrae, like he's about to go into battle.

He reaches a hand out, intending to touch KIllua's hip, but Killua is still awkwardly half-angled away, so he ends up gripping his elbow. He squeezes it. Killua inhales sharply. Gon steps forward again and slides his other hand up the small of Killua's back. It's a light touch, but Killua leans into it, just barely. The warmth of his body through his sweater is intoxicating. Killua has been a memory for so long, and now he's inescapably real, his chest rising and falling, his mouth working anxiously.

Gon tilts his chin up so he can admire Killua's face. Killua blanches, embarrassed, but he holds still and lets Gon examine him. The flourish of his eyelashes. The shape of his nose. The nearness of his lips.

Killua swallows. "Are you going to kiss me or are you just going to be weird?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

Killua goes even redder. "I asked you to."

"Then I'm gonna be weird." He slides his hand up Killua's back, watching him struggle to keep his reaction from showing. Gon's brain is stupid and hazy with the pleasure of being so close, getting to look at Killua so shamelessly. He follows another impulse without thinking, dipping his hand back down and slipping it under Killua's sweater, splaying his fingers flat against the thin layer of fabric separating their skin. Killua makes a choked noise.

"Gon."

"Hm?" Gon drops Killua's elbow to tangle his other hand in Killua's hair, soft as spidersilk.

"Gon, come on." Killua straightens his spine, his muscles growing rigid under Gon's fingertips, He grips Gon's hips firmly, pulls him forward, leans down and tilts his head. Gon gets it, his heartbeat spiking violently just before Killua presses their lips together.

Gon's eyes fall closed, light bursting inside him. Every sensory detail sends new shocks through his system: Killua's breath against his mouth, Killua's fingers tightening on his hips. He pulls back a fraction just so he can lean in and kiss Killua again, as gently as possible. Killua's eyelashes flutter against the curve of Gon's cheek, right near his temple.

Gon's awareness of Killua's body is innate after years of training together, so tuned in he can almost feel Killua's aura envelope him. He senses every twitch of Killua's muscles, adjusts to every minute shift when Killua angles his head, their mouths fitting together so perfectly it feels impossible. When they met, their personalities fell into comfortable compatibility, Gon's peaks matching Killua's valleys. This is no different. This was meant to happen, this was the inevitable path for their friendship to follow. It's only hard to believe it took this long.

"Gon," Killua murmurs between them, "Gon—"

"Yeah," he whispers.

Killua draws back, and Gon is about to protest when he snakes his arms around Gon's waist and buries his face in the join of Gon's neck. He heaves a deep, shuddering breath, gripping Gon with all his considerable strength, like he's afraid to let Gon put a millimeter of space between them. Gon rubs circles into his lower back, breathing in his woody scent. His hair smells like Killua. He'd forgotten.

They stay like that for a long time, Killua breathing damply into Gon's shirt. Finally he loosens his grip and straightens, letting Gon pull back enough to look at him, pressing a hand to his healing rib with a tiny wince.

Killua's eyes widen. "Crap, sorry, I forgot—"

"It's okay!" Gon would rather be crushed to death in his best friend's arms than have Killua avoid him ever again. "Let's just—I want to—I really like this, is it okay?"

Killua leans in again, pressing their foreheads together, his breath warm and unsteady on Gon's face. "Yeah. Don't stop."

Gon loops his arms around Killua's neck and pulls him back in.

-

It's so much easier than talking things out. Gon's not good at figuring out what to say to Killua that won't hurt his feelings. But he can lean into Killua's hands where they touch him, tug at Killua's shirt, kiss the corner of his mouth. And like this, he can finally read how much Killua likes him, even if Killua still doesn't want to say it. He won't stop touching Gon, hands skimming down his sides, clutching at his shirt, tangling in his hair. It's almost like fighting, the parts of it Gon likes—his mind is quiet, his body alive, acting and responding on instinct.

They take a break to grab some of the chocolate robots and eat them on the floor, and then Gon presses Killua's back into the wall and kisses the sugar from his mouth. Killua tugs him down and they fall to the floor, tangled together, heads tipped close.

"We could go up to my room," Gon says, and then flushes hot because it sounds like he means—but he doesn't! "Um, to be more comfortable."

"No, let's stay here." Killua presses his face into Gon's shoulder. Gon kisses the top of his head.

"I really like you," he says into Killua's hair. "I really—"

"Shut up," Killua says, choked. He lifts his chin and kisses Gon hard before Gon can fully register how his eyes are glistening.

Gon shuts up.

-

Gon wakes before the sun rises, chilly, lying on the hotel carpet without a blanket. He blinks awake, too disoriented to understand why he's on the floor in a dark room, before it comes back to him with a jolt. Awe stirs deep within him, and he presses his hands to his face, overwhelmed with the memory of warming himself against Killua's chest.

Then he peeks through his fingers, blood running cold.

Killua's gone.

He probably just went to his room. It's a little weird to sleep on the floor, although it's no less comfortable than sleeping on the ground outside. More claustrophobic, when Gon can't see the sky. He drags himself to his feet and blearily makes his way into the elevator and back to his own room, where he dives under the bedspread and falls asleep again.

The next time he wakes up, it's to lemon-yellow light spilling through the curtains. He rolls over, and then realizes with a start what woke him: the feeling of being watched.

Knuckle Bine is standing over his bed with a huge, face-splitting grin, hands on his hips. "Gon! We're going on a trip!"

Poisonous dread seeps through Gon's insides. He pushes himself to a sitting position, the blanket falling off him. "What do you mean?"

Knuckle points straight at Gon's face. "I'm going to take you back to your house!"

So Killua passed him off to someone else. Gon's not surprised, but it hurts more than he expected, a knife twisted deep in his guts. Tears start to fall before he can speak.

"Where's Killua?"

"Gon! Shit! Are you okay?"

Gon nods impatiently, wiping his face on the bedspread. "Did he leave?"

"He said he had to get going on his Association mission right away. Did you get hurt??"

"No," Gon says. He hugs his knees and bursts into a wave of sobs.

"Gon!!" Knuckle waffles, his hands making uncertain motions in the air, and settles for reaching out and patting Gon's hair. "What can I do? How can I help?"

Killua never answered if they would ever see each other again. Gon begged one night out of him. At no point did Killua promise anything more, so Gon hurting now isn't Killua's fault. He never thought they would be boyfriends after this, but he thought they would at least have a couple more days.

He must have been really awful to Killua back then, if Killua is still so scared of being with him. Gon's had years to manage his anger and regret about East Gorteau, but now he's freshly angry at himself for noticing so little about Killua's feelings that he can't even remember what to blame himself for.

This is Mito's worst case scenario. He's going to come back damaged, physically and emotionally.

"I'm sorry." Gon hesitates, and then figures the hotel is going to wash the sheets anyway, and blows his nose into them. "I don't want to make you feel bad, Knuckle-san. I would love for you to accompany me."

Knuckle's face is frozen in panic. "Did something happen?"

Gon wouldn't mind telling him, but Killua is a much more private person than he is. "It's nothing to worry about. I'll be fine in a few minutes." He pulls his shirt up over his face to dry his eyes. When he reemerges, Knuckle is looking off to the side, giving him some privacy. His face is still twisted in anguish.

"It's okay!" Gon says. He throws the sheets off and jumps out of bed. "When's the airship leaving? We can catch up on the trip!"

Knuckle clears his throat. "You know—Gon—you can always talk to me—"

"Got it." Gon sticks his tongue out and flashes him a peace sign. Knuckle's face wavers between about fifteen different emotions before he yells "Aw, dammit!" and throws his arms around Gon. He picks Gon off the ground, swinging him a little, Gon's toes brushing the carpet. "I love ya, kid."

"Thanks, Knuckle-san."

Knuckle deposits him back on the floor. "Get your stuff together and meet me downstairs?"

Gon nods.

He's going to be okay. He meant it when he told Killua he didn't need to be taken care of. The last few years haven't been easy, but if they've taught him anything, it's that being unhappy won't kill him. But knowing that doesn't stop him from being sad.

He missed Killua before, but it was like missing someone he'd met in a dream. His life had diverged from Killua's so sharply, it didn't seem strange to continue without him. Now the absence is fresh, and worse, he knows now what he might have had. It reminds him of the fight with Genthru: the sickening feeling of wind blowing against the place his arm had been moments before.

What kind of mission is Killua going on, anyway? He never said, and Gon never asked. Gon hopes, for Killua's sake, that he can get through it and be reunited with his sister as soon as possible.

He doesn't have many things to gather. It doesn't take long for him to get ready, but he lingers anyway, his hand on the doorknob. Once he leaves this world, there's no guarantee that he'll ever come back.

Whatever. He'll live. He slips out the door, not bothering to listen for the sound of it closing behind him.

-

The journey back to Whale Island is uneventful. Gon almost wishes for another emergency landing to extend the trip, but the airship takes him faithfully back to the boat, which carries him peacefully back to the island. Mito gives him a big hug, tears in her eyes, and Gon steps on Knuckle's foot when he starts to tell her to be careful with Gon's ribs. (He tells her anyway, after Knuckle leaves. It doesn't feel right to lie to Mito.)

He's only been gone a few days. Still, it's hard to fit himself into the shape of the hole he left here. No one in Swaldani treated him like his life was over. It makes it hard to remember that it is.

There's nothing to do but go back to helping Mito and exploring the island. It gives him a lot of time to think.

His mind is full of memories of his date with Killua. Memories from before then, too—little moments between him and Killua over the years that he pulls out and reexamines now with his new understanding. He hoards them like silver coins.

It only hurts when he lets it hurt. Most often, he muscles it down. He got more than he ever expected from Killua, and he's learned that if he spends too much time thinking about what he's lost, it'll swallow up his whole life. He can't have Nen, or adventures, or his friends, and he can't have Killua. It's best to just accept it.

Still, it's hard to resurface from the memories.

Three months past the ceremony, there's a knock at the door. Gon is in the kitchen scrubbing a scorch mark of his own doing out of the bottom of Mito's best stockpot, so she goes to answer it.

"Gon!" Mito calls back. "It's for you!"

Gon drops the pot. He doesn't have any friends on the island.

He runs to the hall, the world going fuzzy around the edges. There, lounging on their threshold and chatting with Mito, is Killua.

"KILLUA!" Gon shrieks. He bounds to the door so fast he has to slap his palm on the doorframe to bring himself to a stop. "What are you doing here!!"

"Hey, Gon."

Killua moves aside, and Gon can see what's behind him: a young girl, her black hair in braids.

"AND ALLUKA!" Gon grabs both her hands, giddy with excitement. "It's so good to see you again!"

She giggles. "Hi, Gon!"

Gon laughs in return, joy fountaining up inside him. His gaze whips back to Killua. "So, you're done with your assignment?"

"Yeah." Killua gives him a tiny smile, and then looks away, uncomfortable as always with Gon's enthusiasm over him. Too bad. He'll have to live with it, because Gon can't stop smiling. He's just lucky Gon didn't jump on top of him like an untrained puppy.

"You came to visit!"

Killua reddens. "It's not a big deal."

It is an enormous deal, maybe the biggest of all time, but Gon understands that Killua needs to pretend it isn't. Hopefully Mito knows to do the same.

"Well, you're welcome to stay here, of course!" Mito says. She puts her hands on her hips. "Although I do wish you'd called. I would have washed the bedsheets."

"It's okay," Killua says. "You can wash them for Alluka, I'll just sleep outside."

"You will not! I'll not be that bad of a hostess!"

Killua looks nonplussed. "I really don't mind."

Gon lets Mito fuss at him. He turns back to Alluka, leaning down and dropping his voice. "Did Killua miss me?"

She shrugs. "He was really nervous about coming here."

"Really?"

"Gon, what are you saying to my sister?" Killua cuts in.

"I was asking if you missed me," Gon says, straightening up. "Did you?"

"Gon," Mito says. "Why don't you show your friends in, and then come help me get the house set up?"

"Yes, Mito-san!"

Gon leaves Killua and Alluka sitting at the table, and then races after Mito, helping her set up extra cots in both of their bedrooms. The faster this is done, the faster he can see Killua again, so he does whatever Mito tells him at top speed. It leads to a lot of Mito doing things over again, which takes even more time. But Gon can't slow down. He wants to run fifty kilometers, or else he's going to vibrate out of his skin.

Finally, Mito says they're done and tells him to go offer their guests some tea. Gon leaps down the stairs five at a time—if he still had Nen he probably wouldn't bother with any of them.

For a few blood-curdling moments he worries Killua won't be where he left him, but he's still sitting awkwardly in the dining room. He looks like he's in a hospital waiting room, scared to touch any surfaces in case they're contaminated with normal family germs.

"Do you want some tea?" Gon says in a rush, his lungs still trying to catch up with his body.

"Um. Do you think we could go for a walk or something?"

Gon is eating up the sight of him, eyes darting from Killua's face, to his hands folded in his lap, to the tense position of his legs. It's a dizzying luxury to get to look at Killua as much as he wants.

"Yeah!" he says. "Alluka? Do I have your permission to take your brother away for a bit?"

She twists the end of her braid around her finger. "As long as you bring him back."

Gon takes Killua on a path straight down the kill from the house, to a part of the coastline hidden from the docks. They sit on one of the big rock formations jutting out into the water, Killua with his legs crossed and Gon dangling his bare feet over the water, wriggling his toes in the mist from the waves.

"Thank you for coming," Gon says.

"I needed to talk to you. Not over the phone."

"Yeah?"

There's something extra beautiful about Killua by the ocean. He fits right into the landscape, white clouds against the blue sky, white froth on the waves.

"Sorry I took off without saying goodbye."

Gon waits. There's no way Killua came all the way here just to apologize for that. He doesn't really want this apology, anyway. Killua leaving was harsh, but it was just a couple days before they had been going to separate anyway.

Killua grabs his ankles, bending his spine into a hunched kind of stretch. He takes a deep breath. "I think," he says, "I've been acting really, really stupid."

"What do you mean?"

He tilts his head back, squinting at the bright sky. "Well. I wanted something. And then someone offered it to me, and I said no."

Gon has thought that too, more than once, but he recognizes that it's uncharitable. "You didn't want to get hurt."

"Yeah." Killua laughs, a dark little sound. "It turns out it hurt anyway."

Gon's insides crunch up into a little ball. "What hurt? Kissing me?"

"Leaving you behind again, idiot."

"Oh." Gon watches the water break over the rocks, draw back, gear itself up, and crash again with a dramatic flourish of brine. They're isolated, cupped by the shoreline and protected from the world outside this landing. Gon is suspended between the sea and sky, between his past and future with Killua.

"So that means kissing me was okay, then?"

Killua glances over, startled. Gon sticks out his tongue, and Killua rolls his eyes.

"Yes, Gon. It was pretty okay."

Gon kicks his feet, drumming his heels against the rock.

"So what does that mean?" he says. "Are you saying you want to be my boyfriend?"

Killua groans, burying his face in his hands. "I don't know. Yes. Maybe. I don't really think it's a good idea."

"But you want to?"

Killua's eyes peek out over top of his fingertips. "I want to. I like you whether I think I should or not."

I can't be smart around you, Killua said before. So does that mean being Gon's boyfriend isn't a smart decision? A long time ago, Hanzo made fun of Gon for wanting to win a fight fairly without beating his opponent. This is another impossible situation. He wants to be with Killua, but only if Killua wants to, and Killua wants to, but doesn't want to want to. There has to be a way to thread the needle so neither of them ends up feeling bad.

There's so much Gon doesn't know about Killua, not just the stuff that's happened in the past couple years. Now he knows that Killua was hiding big swaths of himself for a long time before that. He's bad at understanding Killua's feelings. He doesn't know how all his cherished memories looked from Killua's perspective. And Killua is bad at navigating around the loss that Gon's suffered, the big black hole in the center of his life. If they're together, for real, it's not just going to be kissing and eating chocolate on a hotel carpet. It's going to mean turning over all that dirt and seeing what comes up. Gon gets why Killua's scared.

"Alluka travels around with you," he says. "And she doesn't have Nen, right?" Killua was pretty clear about that when they traveled to the World Tree together ("Alluka is just a normal kid, so be careful around her"). And yet he also claimed that Alluka saved Gon, through some mysterious process neither of them saw fit to explain. More secrets.

"Right," Killua says. "But, Gon, I don't know if you want to tag along with us. It's not going to be like the old days. My life is boring, and I really like it that way."

He's right that that's not what Gon wants. They're moving in opposite directions. Killua wants to live peacefully with his sister, whereas Gon would do anything for some kind of excitement.

"Ughh!" Gon smacks his forehead with the heel of his hand, trying to get his brain to work better. "This is so hard to figure out!"

Killua puts both hands behind his head. "Now you see why I didn't want you to ask me out."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

Killua flushes. "It's okay, Gon, I was just kidding around. You don't have to apologize for that."

Gon buries his hands in his hair. "Okay. How about this? We don't have to decide now. You can stay on Whale Island for as long as you want. And then later, maybe you can come back and visit again. And maybe sometimes I can come visit you and Alluka. And we'll just see what happens."

Killua drops his hands, resting them on his knees. "Okay. Yeah. But what if it doesn't work out?"

Gon throws his arms out to the side. "It's already not working out now! How could it get worse?"

Killua frowns, picking this apart in his head. "That actually makes sense."

"You don't have to sound so surprised."

Killua laughs, a peal of bright sound that strikes directly at the center of Gon's chest. After all Killua's hedging and shying away, he'd forgotten what it was like to see Killua happy.

"Okay," Killua says. "Let's see where it goes."

"Yeah??"

"Yeah."

"Killua!" Gon throws his arms around Killua's neck, pulling him in tight. He turns his face against the side of Killua's head, too happy to look at him. Then, restless, he pulls back and moves his hands to cup Killua's cheeks. It's exhilarating to hold Killua's face between his palms, like he's captured something that's never quite been his before.

Killua still looks a little worried. Gon rubs his thumb in the center of his forehead to smooth out the crease, and when Killua's eyes fall closed, he leans forward and replaces his thumb with his lips. Killua tilts toward him, like a cat responding to being petted. Gon strokes his cheek, then leans down and gently kisses his mouth.

Killua melts against him, softening into the kiss. It's different than before—back in the hotel, it felt charged and furtive. This is clean and bright, like the light shining off the waves. It's so simple to kiss someone who wants to be kissed. Gon slides both hands up and buries them in Killua's hair, struck by the urge to hold onto him.

"Gon," Killua says, drawing back. He blinks at Gon, dazed, before his face settles into a serious expression. "I have to tell you something."

Gon's heart kicks up in a fit of nerves. Killua hesitates, his muscles tensing where his torso rests against Gon's.

"It's late," he says. "But, uh. I love you too."

Gon's heart breaks into a million pieces and is made whole again in an instant. Nothing compares to this: not getting his Hunter license, not being selected for Greed Island, not even meeting Ging.

He can't put it into words, so he kisses Killua again.

"Wait, wait," Killua says, turning his face to break the kiss. Gon swoops in and kisses him again, making Killua push him back, laughing. "I'm trying to talk to you!"

"You didn't want to talk to me for ages, do we have to talk now?" Gon whines.

"Yeah, that's what—hey, pay attention!" He shoves Gon away, but twists his fingers in Gon's sleeve, hanging onto him like he's not even thinking about it. "I'm really sorry I stopped answering the phone, okay? Sorry for, you know. Abandoning you. I feel really bad."

Gon ducks his head. "Sorry I hurt your feelings before that."

"It's okay. I mean—you do owe me, though."

Gon nods seriously. "Can I make it up to you with kissing?"

Killua rolls his eyes, smiling, and leans in.

Gon loses track of everything else until, eventually, Killua pulls back. "Don't want to leave Alluka alone too long."

"Oh! Right!"

Gon scrambles to his feet, and he and Killua clamber back up the hill. Gon keeps checking next to him to make sure Killua is still there. Killua catches him doing it, and shoves his shoulder lightly with his open palm.

"I'm not going anywhere."

He's left twice before. It's impossible to believe him. Gon grabs Killua's hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing tight.

"Just to make sure," he says.

He thinks Killua might tease him, but Killua is quiet, his fingers flexing exploratively in Gon's grip.

"Okay," he says. He squeezes Gon's hand once, then takes off running, dragging Gon for a few steps before Gon catches on and sprints after him.

He laughs into the wind, closing his eyes. The terrain is so familiar, he doesn't need to look at it anyway. He narrows his focus until he is living inside the parts of his skin that Killua is touching.

It feels like having power again.

He opens his eyes, not wanting to miss a single second of Killua's visit. But after this one, there will be another visit, and maybe another, if things are still good.

It's the most he's had to look forward to for a long time. It's enough.