Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When he walked out of school he wanted nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Everything in the universe was weighing against him and showed no sign of letting up anytime soon based on what happened throughout the day.

He sighed and pushed his hand through his hair, messing it up even further and he looked out towards the student parking lot, it was pouring rain and everyone was hurrying towards their cars trying to avoid getting drenched. He saw his friends - ex-friends- he thought bitterly, standing around Nick's car with Garrett and Bram. They seemed to be laughing and messing around in the rain and Simon thought back to the last time it had rained and how they had done the same exact thing.

He couldn't stop the sharp pain that pierced his heart at the thought. Who knew emotions could hurt you physically he wondered. If he knew this was how his day was going to turn out he would have just stayed in bed.

He had woken up with knots in his stomach, it was the first day back to school from winter break and Simon was dreading it greatly. He had been ignoring all the messages his friends were sending him and he was avoiding his family after what happened when he came out to them. He opted to skip all meals during the day and eat dinner late to avoid them and coming out of his room as little as possible, even going as far as locking his door because he thought his mother might try to come in against his wishes.

He knew he was going to have to see his friends but he hadn’t expected the fight the had broken out. The look of betrayal on Abby and Nick's faces and the look of heartbreak on Leah’s. They had driven away from him without even trying to listen to his reasoning, he didn’t even have a chance to tell them exactly how terrified he had been.

He had considered just driving right past the school and going somewhere else but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He had a tiny sliver of hope that his friends would come around, hell he had been best friends with two of them for almost as long as he could remember but no such thing came instead when he had gotten to lunch he was met with something completely different.

He had been sitting at a lunch table practically by himself due to looks his friends had given him when he had walked in. He had considered after a few minutes to just go to the library when he heard loud music fill the room. He turned and saw Aaron and Spencer dressed horribly like himself and Ethan, the only other out gay kid. They were standing on top of one of the lunch tables pretending to press themselves together without actually touching each other.

It almost felt as though all the oxygen was sucked out of the cafeteria, some people laughed but most he could tell were staring at him as if waiting for a reaction but he couldn't give one. It didn't even feel like he was there, it felt as if he was watching this from miles away.

He chanced a glance at his usual table and saw his old table mates staring at him in shock but making no move to do anything about the situation.

He couldn’t do this, he stood silently and walked out of the cafeteria as calmly as possible, the last thing he heard from there was the sound of Ms. Albright yelling.

He had just put his head down in the rest of his classes and tried to make himself seem as small as possible, trying desperately to disappear completely. No one really said anything to him except a couple of girls who came up to him in the hallway and told him that they supported him.

When he had walked into English it was the class he shared with Bram and Martin, Martin looked at him and his face crumpled as if he was the one who had been outed. Bram looked at him and he could see the immense pity in his eyes and Simon had almost snapped, right before the bell rang he turned on his heel and walked right back out of the classroom.

Simon had just walked to the library and sat down at one of the tables sitting in the back, the librarian didn't say anything to him even though it was obvious that he was ditching class but for that, he was grateful even though he knew it was out of pity. He stayed at that table with his head buried in his arms until the last bell of the day rang. He stood and slung his backpack over his shoulder, he just wants to get home, to try and email Blue, hoping by some miracle that he wasn’t disappointed that Jacques turned out to be Simon.

He walked outside, casting a brief glance towards those he used to call friends and got into his car trying to keep his hands from trembling to bad. He turned it on and pulled out, being extra cautious because of the rain. He did the drive home in stony silence, he couldn’t distract himself with music even if he tried. He pulled into the driveway and made his way inside, walking past the living room he could feel the presence of his parents stares but he ignored them, instead made his way up to his bedroom, Bieber following him happily.

He shut the door to his room and saw Bieber jump onto his bed, walking around in a circle and laying down. Simon sat down at his desk and opened his computer, the draft of his last email still there. He erased almost half of it and rewrote the rest. He figured that Blue already knew that Jacques was Simon so he didn’t hesitate to sign off with his real name and he hit send.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

DATE: Jan 4 at 3:34 pm

SUBJECT: Here it goes…

This Email cannot be sent due to the username not existing

Not existing….

Cannot be sent….

All the air in his lungs left him in a whoosh, his hands began to shake as tears rapidly filled his eyes, overspilling and streaking down his face.

Blue had deactivated his email, he knew it was Simon who he had been emailing for months and had been disappointed, didn't want him anymore. 

Simon couldn't breathe, he slammed his laptop shut with such a force he wouldn't be surprised to find out if he broke it. His entire body was shaking violently and he gripped his hair, sliding out of the chair and onto the floor. He pulled his knees to his chest, covering his head with his arms as he rocked himself.

He heard Bieber whine from his bed and heard him jump down and come to him. Bieber pushed his head into his lap and Simon even though absolutely wrecked with sobs couldn’t help but smile slightly because his dog was the best. Bieber licked his face vigorously obviously liking the salt of his tears and he felt some of the heaviness in his heart give way.

Simon barely slept that night, every time he would drift into unconsciousness his mind would conjure up these awful nightmares and he would jerk awake. He finally gave up trying to sleep when his clock ready 3 am, he just laid there for the remaining hours, mostly just crying into his pillow due to the previous day events.

When his alarm started going off a few hours later he almost decided to stay home. He was sleep-deprived and heartbroken and hopeless, but he knew if he asked to stay home his mother would try to analyze him and get him to talk to her like he was one of her patients instead of her son and he honestly couldn’t deal with that.

So with a heavy sigh, he pushed himself to get up, he had to push Bieber off of him because he was still laying on Simon trying to comfort him. Simon pulled on black pants and grabbed a black and white long sleeve, along with his normal black jacket. He grabbed his phone from his night table and made sure he had his earphones in before he left his room.

Just as the day before he ignored the living room where he knew his parents were, he was walking fast trying to make his escape. He was almost to the door when…

“Simon, honey could you come in here please…” His mother called from the living room.

Simon could hear the desperation in her voice, she wanted to talk about things but he couldn’t even bear the thought of it.

“I'm going to be late.” He said shortly. It wasn’t true if anything he was going to get to school early but that didn’t matter. He heard his mother start to something else but he pushed the door open and walked out quickly. He jumped in his car and started it. He hated hurting his mother but if anything she had started it.

He got lost in thought on the drive to school, thinking about all the times she would talk to him, she would never look at him as her son, she would look at him like he was some kind of puzzle that needed solving, so in the end he sort of just stopped talking to her about his problems.

He stopped at the stoplight right before school and sighed. He clenched and unclenched his hands around the steering wheel. It was still raining from yesterday so he could barely see outside his windshield and had to set the wipers on every other second, from here he could see all his friends getting out of Nick's car, this time accompanied by Cute Bram, the one with soft eyes and soccer calves.

When a car beeped behind him he almost didn’t move, he was so torn up inside he felt like nothing mattered anymore. He had lost his friends, his family didn’t really accept him except maybe Nora and now he lost Blue too. The one thing he had been counting on the most was Blue, the person he told nearly everything to, the guy he was in love with and now he was gone. He pushed on the gas, driving forward when the light went green about to pull into the parking lot.

He wished for anything and everything to stop him from getting into school and take him away from all of this, all the hurt and pain he was feeling.

Just as he thought it, there was a loud crash and his whole world went black

Chapter Text

It felt as if he had been moving underwater, everything was in slow motion.

He heard the crash before he felt it.

The car slammed into the driver side of his car, the impact made him slam against the steering wheel just as the airbag deployed. Glass shattered everywhere and somewhere distantly he heard screaming, it almost sounded like his name but he was to out of it to be sure.

He felt warmth running down his face and felt it spreading along his chest. His nose was throbbing from where his glasses had snapped on his face when he hit the wheel.

He was laying against the now flattened airbag and he could feel the cold start to seep in from outside through the windows that were shattered. He also heard frantic yelling rushing towards his car and this time he could clearly hear his name being said but his hearing started to fizzle out then.

The splitting pain in his head was making it hard to concentrate and he felt his body start to go numb and he welcomed it gratefully. The pain was starting to get to him but he couldn't do anything except let out a shaky breath.

He felt his head get even heavier and the noise around him started to fade away. He could feel himself start to slip away into the cold that was pulling at him and he couldn't find the strength to fight against it.

He felt the final pull and he was completely submerged into darkness.

___

Bram

He sighed as he got out of Nick's car, it felt all wrong because he knew that it should have been Simon sitting in there, not Bram. Just thinking of Simon made his heart clench, he had forced himself to come to terms with the fact that he had been crushing on him since their freshman year.

Over the years he had come to love the boy with stunning moon-grey eyes and perpetual bed head. Then the beginning of this year when he had started emailing Jacques he had been hoping with all his heart that Jacques would turn out to be Simon, in the end, he had been right.

When he had gotten back he didn't expect Garrett to be waiting on his doorstep with the Tumblr post pulled up on his phone. When he saw the way that Simon had been outed to the entire world so publically and cruel he had almost gone to his house to confess that he was Blue but he was scared. He had made a rash decision and had deactivated his email account, he couldn't help but be worried that somehow he would be found out as well.

He hadn't even thought about how this would affect Simon, if he had he wouldn't have done it.

He thought about yesterday's events and he felt his stomach churn dangerously. When he saw Simon walk into school by himself head down and shoulders hunched he had wanted to do nothing more than to go to him but he couldn't make his legs move.

Then during lunch, he saw Simon sitting at a table by himself, and then that awful music filled the lunchroom and he watched in horror as Simon was utterly humiliated in front of everyone. He kept replaying the crushed look on Simon face in his mind and it made him feel sick, what made it worse was no one did anything, not even his friends and he watched as Simon stood and left the room.

Then later when he watched Simon walk into English, he barely looked at him but something in his expression must have set Simon off because he turned around and left before class had started and he didn't show up for Algebra either. Bram left school in agony because he wanted desperately to be with Simon but he still didn’t know how Simon would react knowing he was Blue and now coming out seemed like the scariest thing in the world to him.

He was a coward and he knew that.

The following morning he got a text from Nick asking if he needed a ride, he was about to decline but then his mother had told him about the flat tire in her car and asked to borrow his, he couldn’t say no then. So that's why he was here now, feeling guilty as ever getting out of Nick's car, all the while it was still pouring rain from yesterday. The others got out of the car as well and just as he was about to mention the rain he heard it.

He heard the squeal of tires on asphalt as it tried to break and just as he turned towards the noise he saw a dark green Honda Civic barrel into the driver side of a red station wagon. The Honda hit the station wagon so hard that it spun out a few meters away from it and he couldn't shake the feeling of dread that was creeping up his spine. He tried to remember who the car belongs to when the three people behind gasped in unison.

“Oh my god, Simon!” Leah screamed.

He stood there in shock as the realization settled in.

It wasn’t just anyone's car, it was Simon's car.

All of the students that were in the parking lot froze and then as if someone flipped a switch everyone started moving towards the crushed cars. He felt his legs move on their own accord and he was running, he could hear the others behind him but he was the fastest. He could clearly see Simon the closer he got.

He jerked to a stop as he reached the driver's side door, his blood running cold.

The side of the car was crushed in, the windows were completely shattered, glass all over the ground.

When he looked inside his legs nearly gave out from under him because there was Simon, the sweetest boy,  the boy who had an obsession with Oreos and loved theatre, the boy who he loved with everything he was, and that boy was now slumped over the steering wheel showing barely any sign of life.

His blonde messy hair was matted down with blood on the left side, streaking down his face, his glasses were broken and laying hazardously on the dashboard. His arms were lying limply at his sides and he could see blood on his shirt all across his chest.

The worst part was his eyes, they were closed.

“Simon….” He choked out.

He heard the other three stop behind him and for a second it felt like time had stopped, that was until the screaming started.

Nick pushed in front of him and grabbed the door of Simon's car and was desperately trying to pull it open all the while he was yelling Simon's name in anguish over and over again but to no avail because Simon wasn’t moving.

He couldn’t think of a time where Nick had ever been screaming like that and he realized he never wanted to hear it again. He knew how close he and Simon were, they had been best friends for over almost thirteen years, along with Leah. 

In the distance he heard sirens coming closer, he could barely turn his eyes away from the horrific sight but when he did he saw that Leah was so pale that she was almost translucent, tears were coming down her face in floods and she was clutching desperately onto Abby's arm as they were kneeling on the ground.

He looked around and saw all the students standing around them, some of them were at the other car trying to see if the other person was all right but he pushed it from his mind. The sirens were getting closer but he couldn't think about that as he knelt down and put his arms around Leah and Abby. They were both shaking violently as sobs tore through them at the absolute heartache at seeing their friend, their best friend in such a condition.

He couldn't tell how much time had passed but it could have only been a few minutes because eventually, the ambulances arrived along with a few police cars. They started clearing everybody out of the way but it all went by in a blur, one moment he was on the ground huddled together with Abby and Leah and next, he was standing with them behind a yellow string of tape.

He watched numbly from the side as they pried the door off of the car to get to Simon. He saw them cut the seatbelt off and carefully put Simon's neck into some kind of brace, pulling him gently from the car and strapping him onto a stretcher. He knew that Simon wasn't a particularly tall person and he was always teased by his friends for it but laying in the ambulance while paramedics started hooking him up to IV’s he had never seen Simon look so small.

Soon after they had ushered Simon and the other driver into their own ambulances, they were off. And he and the others were left there, standing in the pouring rain wondering if Simon was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Beep……..beep……...beep……….beep……….beep….

It was the steady beeping in the room that woke Simon up, he tried to open his eyes but was blinded by the sheer force of the bright light, he closed them with a groan. He tried to touch his hand to his throbbing head but felt the pull of a tube taped to the inside of his arm.

That's when it hit him, the accident, he was in the hospital. 

He tried to open his eyes again and was relieved when he could keep them open. He looked around the room with blurry interest, the walls were a baby blue color and bare, the only thing in the room was the machines making noise next to his bed and the few chairs on the other side. 

He closed his eyes again and just listened to the rhythmic beat of his heartbeat, his nose burned slightly at the pungent smell of disinfectant that surrounded the room. There was a steady pounding in his head and his nose tickled from where the breathing tubes, he could feel the bandages rubbing against his skin on his sore chest and when he scrunched up his eyebrows he felt pain shoot through it, reaching up he could feel a set of stitches just above his brow. 

That's gonna leave a scar. He thought.

Just as he thought it the door to his room open and soft footsteps entered before he could contemplate whether or not he wanted to see who entered his room he felt a soft hand grab him and squeeze it gently. He squeezed back and opened his eyes to see his mother sitting there staring at him with tears in her eyes. 

“Simon ...I'm so glad you’re finally awake..” His mother's voice was soft as if scared to startle him.

Simon could see how tired his mother really was and he had to wonder exactly how long he had been unconscious for. 

“Mom..”  His voice was really scratchy and his mom reached for a cup of water that was on the table next to his bed, extending the straw he gratefully took a drink. “ How long was I out?” 

His mother gave him a soft look and squeezed his hand a little harder. “...A little over a day now...” He could see now exactly how tired his mom was, there were deep dark bags under her eyes and worry lines across her forehead. 

He couldn’t keep the guilt he was feeling from spilling out in tears as he took in her tired face, they had been fighting when he had gotten into the accident that was somehow two days ago. In the background, he heard his heart monitor speed up as the tears started to flood down his face. His mom looked startled at the increase of his pulse but before she could say anything he cut her off.

“I...I’m so s-sorry mom…” His voice was trembling at the onslaught of emotions that were coursing through him. His mother had wanted to talk to him the morning of the accident and he had completely ignored her attempts and had left without even saying goodbye, he could only imagine what they must have felt like when they had gotten the call. 

Before the guilt could swallow him whole, his mother started shaking her head frantically, her whole body shaking with it as tears started to cascade down her tired face. 

“Simon, honey no… We’re the ones who are sorry..” His mother gushed out, leaning forward to gently wrap him in a much-needed embrace. He wrapped his arms around her as much as he could and leaned into the hug, the tears coming down his face freely as he felt the hole in his chest start to feel less heavy. 

As he settled into the embrace the door opened and he looked up to see his dad and younger sister peeking into the room, he saw the look of relief they shared when they saw that he was awake. His sister quickly rushed up to his other side and joined in on the hug with his mother. When he looked to his dad he was standing at the end of his bed, hands rubbing nervously together and looking down at the floor. 

“Dad…” He croaked, his throat still scratchy and dry.

His dad looked up in surprise at being addressed and his face crumpled and tears started waterfalling down his face as he gripped the rail on the end of his bed. His shoulders were shaking and his voice was wobbly when he spoke.

“Simon ...I can’t…” His voice broke off and Simon felt his heart drop.

Even after what just happened his dad still couldn’t accept who he was.

His hands dropped from where they had been wrapped around his mother and sister and he grabbed at the sheets in front of him, the tears that had stopped had started up again and his breathing and heart speed up, both making alarming noises on the machine next to his bed startling everyone in the room.

His dad looked at his face and seemed to realize his thought process because he blanched and hurried to the side of Simon's bed and gently grabbed his hands. 

“No..Simon that’s not what I meant...jeez you know how bad I am at the emotional stuff and that came out wrong..” His dad rambling made Simon look at him and his dad stopped talking.

His dad reached forward and pulled Simon into him and wrapped his arms around his body, the hug was gentle but firm. Simon felt the dam behind his eyes completely break and tears started coursing back down his face and his father tightened his arms further. Simon shoved his face into his father's chest and he heard his mother quietly usher his sister and herself out of the room leaving them alone. 

They stayed holding each other until Simon had exhausted himself completely out of tears. When his father pulled himself away he grabbed Simon by his shoulders which forced him to look up at his dad's face.

“I am so proud of you, you have no idea…” His father's voice was full of emotion as he spoke. “When you came out to us I was shocked and angry but not for the reasons you think, I was shocked and angry at myself Simon..” His father closed his eyes and shook his head as another wave of tears coursed down his face. “How could I have not known…” He questioned. “All those things I ever said about gay people, you were always right there and I can't even begin to apologize for how that must have made you feel…” 

Simon was staring at his father in shock, this wasn’t what he had been expecting. He shook his head and realized it was a mistake when he got a splitting pain in his head and he groaned, head falling on his father's chest.

“Simon!” His father said in alarm.

“I'm fine, just probably shouldn’t shake my head again.” The worst of the pain had stopped but it was still throbbing lightly.

His father was rubbing his hands up and down his back in a soothing motion and he felt himself dozing off against his father.

“Dad…” He whispered.

“Hmm” 

“I forgive you.” He knew it what needed to be said because no matter how hard he had tried to convince himself otherwise his father had been part of the reason why it had taken so long for him to come out to them. And what he was saying was truthful, he did forgive him.

His father tightened his arms around him and dropped a kiss to the top of his head.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he felt happy and he took that feeling and mentally wrapped it around himself.

He settled further into his father's chest and let the sleep that was nagging at him finally take over.

Chapter Text

For the second time that day, it was steady beeping in the room that woke Simon up, this time accompanied by voices.

He opened his eyes slightly and was relieved when the lights were not as bright as they were before, he looked to his sides and saw his parents, one on each side holding his hands, Nora was seated at the end of the bed by his feet and they were all looking at who he assumed was the doctor.

It was a woman, she had ivory skin with medium length black hair, her eyes were a dark brown color and she carried a soft smile. 

She was standing near the door with a clipboard in her hands, she started writing something down when she realized that he was awake and she smiled at him, causing his family to turn their attention onto him. 

“Hello Simon, I’m Dr. Torres, glad to see you’re finally awake.” Her voice was quiet but firm with a slight hint of an accent.

He nodded his head to her not trusting his voice. Doctors and hospitals always freaked him out and he knew he would stutter if he tried to talk. His parents simultaneously squeezed his hands already knowing his anxiety.

“Okay so before you woke I was telling your parents the severity of your injuries but I have a feeling that you would like to know as well.” He nodded.

He had been wondering how bad the accident really was for him to have been out for longer than a day.

“Great, so the accident was pretty severe and I’m actually surprised your injuries weren’t worse, so you have a mild concussion from the impact of the airbag. You also broke your nose when you hit the airbag but that will only be in a splint for a few days as it wasn’t too bad. Now since you are on the smaller side you did crack a couple of ribs when you flew forward and the seatbelt stopped you, if you hadn't been wearing it you would have flown through the windshield but thankfully that was not the case."

"It must have been glass because you had a pretty deep cut above your eyebrow so we had to get you stitched up, along with a few on your chest. You may also suffer from whiplash so you need to be careful moving your head and neck for the next couple weeks. The stitches will come out next week, your nose will only be in the split for three more days and the pain in your head and chest should decrease over the next two to three weeks. Don’t be alarmed if things seem fuzzy or if you have a hard time remembering things, that should only be temporary but if they do consist then I want you to come back immediately. You will need to stay here for the night so we could monitor your breathing a little more, we want to make sure the ribs you cracked aren't going to cause issues but if everything looks good then you should be able to go home tomorrow but you have to take it easy like I said that wasn’t just a small accident you suffered.” 

Simon nodded again and looked down at his hands, just now seeing the small cuts that littered them and how they traveled up his arms, mostly just on his left arm that had been closest to the window.

He heard his parents thank the doctor and the door open when he heard it shut he let out the breath he had been holding in. He had no idea how bad it was if he really thought about what happened everything seemed muddled, he remembered driving to school and being right in front of it then nothing, until he had woken up over a day later in the hospital.   

His parents squeezing his hands pulled him out of his head and he looked up at them. There was a strange expression on their faces and he knew he wasn’t going to like what was about to be said. He looked at Nora and could see that she was avoiding eye contact, opting to pick at the blanket underneath her.

He sighed and looked at his parents expectantly.

“What?” He questioned bluntly.

He was too damn tired to play the silent guessing game. 

“Well, honey, when you were..” She hesitated. “Not awake...Nick, Leah, and Abby came to see you. When we told them that you weren’t awake they decided that they were going to wait until you were..” She finished. 

Simon felt his heart stutter in his chest, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting his mother to say but it definitely wasn’t that. He was shocked, he hadn’t talked to them since he had been outed, the last time he had seen them was right before the accident. He wasn’t expecting them to even care considering how things had gone down between all of them. 

He could feel his family's eyes on him but he couldn’t focus on it, his heartfelt heavy in his chest. He knew that he didn’t want to see them, not after the way they had just abandoned him without even hearing him out first. He knew what he did was terrible and honestly inexcusable but he had been trying to do right by someone else, someone who was terrified of coming out. It made him furious at them for how they left him.

He knew the paralyzing fear of coming out, not knowing what your friends and family could possibly think of you, plus Georgia wasn’t the most progressive state out there. He couldn’t let Martin publish those emails no matter the cost because he wasn’t going to be the only one who was going to be forced out of the closet.

He couldn’t take that choice away from someone.

But he had also tried to do right by the others, he didn’t want to help Martin, he had barely helped him in general but that didn’t matter. When Martin had been rejected in front of the whole school he knew it was all over, he had seen the look in Martin's eyes, he was going to make Simon hurt as he hurt. 

Simon couldn’t imagine being rejected like that in front of everyone but he had tried to reach out to Martin to see if was doing okay over the holiday break but had been met with radio silence. Deep down though he never really believed that Martin would be that cruel and actually out him to everybody but how he had been so wrong. 

“Simon, honey did you hear me?” His mother's voice shook him out of his thoughts, he looked up at her and saw concern etched onto her features. 

“Sorry, what did you say?” His voice was dry and scratchy, his dad reached him the water that had been placed on his bedside table. He took it gratefully and looked back at his mother.

“I said did you want me to let them in? They’re waiting outside.”

The water that had been on its way down his throat was suddenly making an appearance back out his nose. He coughed violently as he tried to clear the water out of his airways while his dad patted him on the back and his mom got up to grab a towel.

“No…” He rasped.

He couldn’t see them, he didn’t want to see them.

Before the accident, he would have given anything for them to want to talk to him but now things were different. 

Chapter Text

“No..?” His parents said in unison.

They looked at each other in shock and disbelief, they had figured he would have been itching to see them since he woke up but now they realized that wasn’t the case at all.

They looked at their son and saw the pain in his face and they could tell it wasn’t just from the injuries he was suffering from. They could also see the tension in his shoulders and watched as he clenched and unclenched his hands. His mother knew what he was doing, she recognized it from several of her patients at work, it was a calming technique. 

“Simon honey...are you sure? I mean they’re your best friends..” She stopped when she saw his hands clenched around the sheets at his waist, the grip was so hard that his knuckles were white.

The beeping in the room had increased at an alarming rate, she saw Simon's shoulders started to shake violently and he started making this raspy gasping sound. With a jolt, she realized that he was having an anxiety attack. 

_____

Simon couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his pounding heart in his ears.

His head started throbbing more violently and it was making him nauseated.

He gripped the sheets tight trying desperately to anchor himself down but he was floundering.

The pain in his chest had tripled and he couldn’t breathe, the oxygen mask on his face proving to be pointless as his lungs rejected the air in his panic.

He knew that his family was right there with him but he couldn’t focus on any of that, his mind conjuring up various images that only fueled his panic. 

He watched as his friends drove off without him, leaving him alone with the blows of their final words. Their anger towards him had been justified but leaving him without a chance to explain himself wasn’t. It was cruel and filled with anguish. He had been late to school that day because of it after they had gone all the air had left his lungs, his knees had buckled under the weight of his guilt and misery, leaving him immobile on the sidewalk. 

Their hurtful words were making their way through his mind now, he could vividly see the pain on each and every one of their faces. Each word was like a punch to his already bruised chest and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t shake the images away. He watched in utter humiliation as the entire cafeteria turned their eyes towards him and laughed, their laughter was loud in his ears and he couldn’t hear anything else. 

He felt his body shaking and he couldn’t tell if it was himself or someone shaking him, he felt his world shift and his stomach clenched painfully.

His hand flew towards his mouth and he leaned over the side of the bed and he prayed someone got a trashcan to him in time as the contents of his stomach expelled from him. He threw up what minimal food he had left in his stomach but most of it was water and stomach acid, making his throat burn as he gagged again. 

He dry-heaved a few more times before he felt himself being turned over and pressed backward, a coolness spreading through the arm that had his IV in and a heaviness settling in his bones. The images were becoming muddled and the sounds were fading away. The pressure in his hands was the last thing he felt as he faded once again into unconsciousness. 

_____

Emily sat in shock as she watched Simon's chest rise and fall steadily. She couldn’t help but replay the scene that had just unfolded before her.

One minute Simon had been fine and then the next he was shaking and crying and not breathing. She had dealt with anxiety attacks before from her patients but that could have never prepared her for seeing one come from her own son. She knew that Simon believed she was always trying to analyze him as one of her patients but she could never help herself, she had seen too many people, kids his age suffer.

All of them suffered from some type of neglect from their parents, usually, it was always from their absence and she knew she could never allow Simon to fall into that.

She tried so hard to always be watchful so she could detect if he was ever struggling but now she realized that she had let him fall through the cracks without her even noticing it. Her mind ran through all the different causes that led towards anxiety attacks and none of them were good.

Family history of anxiety attacks or anxiety disorder

Major life stress, such as the death or serious illness of a loved one

A traumatic event, such as sexual assault or a serious accident

Major changes in your life, such as a divorce or the addition of a baby

Smoking or excessive caffeine intake

History of childhood physical or sexual abuse

She mentally went through the list and crossed off what she knew it wasn’t, the only one she was left with was major life stress, the stress he must have been under in keeping who he was to himself for so long. 

She squeezed the hand she was holding as she came to the realization. 

_____

Jack had never seen someone go through an anxiety attack and he realized that he never wanted to see it again.

He kept periodically squeezing Simon's hand in his own, trying to remind himself that Simon was right in front of him, alive and breathing.

He tried to keep his eyes open because every time that he closed them he saw Simon shaking and struggling for air as if he was drowning on dry land, and it scared him. He knew that no matter how hard he tried, those images would haunt him for the rest of his life whether he liked it or not. 

From the second that Simon had been born he knew that he was going to do everything in his power to protect him from the dangers in the world but how do you protect someone from something you can’t see. He had never felt more helpless in his life as he watched Simon thrash in his hold in an attempt to calm him down, watched in horror as Simon struggled for oxygen, and then the doctor came running in.

Next thing he knew the doctor was pushing a syringe into his IV and Simon had stopped struggling, becoming quickly limp in his hold. He gently laid him back down and watched as the doctor adjusted the oxygen tanks he was connected to and saw that Simon's breathing started to even out. 

He looked over to his wife and saw the look on her face, her face was scrunched up in pain, a pain that he understood. He reached his other hand over and grabbed hers, squeezing tightly. She looked up at him but said nothing. He knew that she was using her Psych brain to try and figure out what had caused their son to spiral like that and by the furrow, in her brows, he knew that she had figured it out. 

She pulled her hand gently out of his own and let go of Simon's, she stood and wiped her eyes whilst straightening her shirt. He looked up confused but before he could say anything she raised her finger and walked to the door and slid out of it, shutting it behind herself.

He would have followed but he didn’t want to leave Simon, not even for a second and she had indicated that she would be right back. He figured she was going to get Nora, they had sent her out of the room as soon as Simon had started gasping for air, they didn’t want her to get scared.

A few minutes passed and she walked back in but Nora wasn’t with her and there was a look of anger on her face which was unusual.

His wife wasn’t an angry kind of person, she always said that there was no reason for it if you understand people's actions.

Before he could ask what was wrong she let out a deep breath and looked towards him.

_____

It didn’t take Emily long to come to the realization of what had triggered Simon's anxiety attack, it had happened immediately after she had mentioned his friends. Once she had made the connection she thought back to the past few weeks.

None of his friends had come by the house in the time during the break, Simon hadn’t mentioned them a single time. She hadn’t heard Simon on the phone talking to them like he usually had and Simon had been talking in his own car rather than riding with them to school. 

She realized that they must have some kind of falling out at Simon's expense because he seemed like the odd man out. Simon had been riding alone in the car which means that the others had ridden with Nick meaning that they were all still friends but that Simon was excluded. Once she had put it all together she couldn’t help but get angry over what they had done, she didn’t know the extent of what happened but she knew that they had hurt her baby and she wasn’t about to let it go. 

She felt her husband's hand in hers and she looked up, he was watching her with a question on his face. She pulled her hands away and stood, straightening her appearance and she walked to the door, she signaled her husband and then walked out quietly. 

Once outside she looked towards the waiting room and saw the four teens leaning against each other in an attempt to comfort one other.

She didn’t know who the fourth teen was but she assumed they were friends of theirs. If she hadn’t been mad she would have smiled at the act.

As she approached she made eye contact with Leah and she nudged the others and they all stood facing her, a look of apprehension on their faces. She stopped a few feet in front of them and crossed her arms over her chest. 

In any other situation, she would have made an effort to make an introduction toward the newcomer but she just wanted to get back to her family. 

“I appreciate you guys being here but Simon has made it clear that he doesn’t want to see you three.” She looked at Nick, Leah, and Abby, making it known who she was talking about.

They all dropped their mouth open in shock and Nick even sputtered in an attempt to say something but she raised her hand.

“I don’t know what happened and it’s none of my business unless Simon decides otherwise that being said I think it's best that you guys head home now.” She spoke in a tone that meant that the conversation was done. She looked between them with a stern expression on her face and then turned, walking back towards the room Simon had been settled into.

She contemplated getting Nora from the children's room but she saw that they were watching a movie and she decided against it. Instead, she went back into Simon's room and met the confused eyes of her husband. She walked forward and sat next to him, grabbing one of his hands and one of Simon's. She looked between them for a minute before she settled into her explanation of what she had realized and once she had finished they sat there in silence, both of them vowing that they wouldn’t let Simon fall any further.

Chapter Text

Simon felt the gentle pull of consciousness seep into him and he tried to rebel against it, he was far too comfortable in his dreamless sleep, for the first time in a long time he actually felt rested. When he realized that he wasn’t going to be going back to sleep he just laid there with his eyes closed, breathing even, pretending. He was aware that his parents were still right where he had left them, both of his hands were engulfed in theirs. He could also feel Nora laying at the end of his bed, using his legs as a pillow. He didn’t want to alert anyone to the fact that he was awake, not yet.

He thought back to the last thing he remembered and he signed mentally, he had done a good job so far at keeping his anxiety attacks a secret from everyone he knew, he had never even mentioned it to Blue.

That thought made his chest tighten painfully, the memory of what happened becoming fresh in his mind. He willed those thoughts away for fear of spirally into another attack and just focused on the feeling of warmth he was absorbing from his family. 

For the first time in weeks, he actually felt at ease with his family, they had come clean with all that they had been feeling and it made the air feel lighter around them. All the tension that had been building for months was gone, almost as if it had never been there in the first place.

He knew that they still had a lot of talking that they needed to do but as of right now things were okay between them. That thought in mind Simon couldn’t help but feel somewhat grateful for the events that had led them to here, it felt like he could finally exhale. 

Finally deciding to wake up he squeezed both of his parents hands and opened his eyes, his room didn’t have a window so he looked towards the clock on the wall, it was a little after 8 am. His parents both sat up straighter in their chairs at the feeling of Simon squeezing their hands. 

He opened his mouth to say something but then the door opened and the doctor from the night previously walked in. She smiled when she saw that Simon was awake, walking to the edge of his bed she pulled out a clipboard. 

“Good morning everyone, how are we all doing?” She questioned quietly as she noticed that Nora was still sleeping against his legs.

She walked over to the monitors and began checking things off of her list, she swept through all of his vitals and ran through the process of checking his stitches for any signs of infection. After that, she changed all of his bandages and began explaining what they had to watch out for when he went home. 

“So it would be a good idea to refrain from using any electronics because of your concussion, I have a note for you to be excused from school for two weeks so you don’t have to worry about that.” She glanced up from her clipboard and waited for them to nod their heads before she continued.

“Now you are scheduled to come back in a week to get your stitches removed but other than that you should be good, don’t forget that your chest is going to be tender for a couple of weeks, you have to take it easy and you need a lot of rest. If you start having any problems please come back immediately.” They all nodded again and she handed the clipboard to his parents to sign the discharge papers. 

_____

Emily signed first and then handed them off to her husband, she couldn’t help but feel relieved that they were going to be taking Simon home today, she had worried that they would have decided to keep him longer after what had happened last night. She knew that they were going to have to talk about what had happened and how they were going to help prevent it from happening again but it was going to have to wait. Their first priority was to get Simon home and help him get back to 100% health, once his body was healed then they could deal with helping him heal his mind. 

She watched as Jack finished signing the papers and handed the clipboard back to the doctor, she rifled through making sure everything was signed, satisfied she tucked it under her arm and turned to address all of them. 

“Okay that sounds like everything on my end, the nurse will be coming by in a few minutes to take off all your wires and take out your IV, she will have your prescriptions as well.” She gathered her supplies and started walking towards the door, when she reached it she turned back around.

“I have written to you two of them, one of them is acetaminophen. It’s the same as Tylenol but it has a higher dosage to combat the pain. The other one is flurazepam hydrochloride or more commonly known as Dalmane, it’s a sedative to help you sleep. You’re going to need a lot of rest in the next two weeks, it may also help with any anxious feelings you may be having.” She finished explaining. 

Emily nodded towards the doctor and stood quickly to shake her hand. “Thank you for everything you did.” She said sincerely. As she released her hand and took a step back Jack was there as well, shaking her hand and giving his thanks. And with that, the doctor left. 

_____

Simon had expected to feel happy about going home but as soon as they had wheeled him out to the parking lot he was anything but. He felt his whole body break into a nervous sweat and his mouth go dry. He looked at the cars in motion and he felt his whole body flinch at the sight of one of the car's braking, he felt the air slowly leaving his lungs. 

His father and Nora had left to go get the car from where it was parked whilst his mother stayed with him, she was standing beside his wheelchair scanning the parking lot. Without thinking he reached out and grabbed her hand, trying desperately to anchor himself before he could spiral too far. She flinched at the sudden movement but turned towards him, becoming concerned instantly. She knelt in front of him and placed her hands in his, squeezing them reassuringly. 

“Simon honey I need you to breathe.” Her voice was gentle but firm. He looked at her with panicked eyes and tried to do as she said but all that came out was a choked whine. His chest felt like it was on fire and black spots were starting to dance in his vision. 

“Mom...please.” He choked out.

He was scared. He needed his mom. She could make this better. She had to make this better. That was her job.

His mom reached out and tugged him gently to her chest, she wrapped on warm around his waist and the other pushed his head into her shoulder.

“Simon listen to my breathing, match it to yours, you’re safe I promise.” Her voice was serious but soft.

She started breathing largely exaggerated breaths and he tried to mimic it.  His hands were gripping the back of her sweater and he took a ragged breath, the knot in his chest loosening slightly. 

They kept that up until his breathing had pretty much gone back to normal, just as it did their car pulled up to the curb.

He pressed his face further into her shoulder and let out a shuddering breath, he tried to silently qualm his fears.

It was just a car.

He had ridden and drove a thousand times.

It was nothing new.

Sensing his the reason for his distress his mom held him tighter and leaned down to kiss his head.

“It’s perfectly normal to be afraid right now, after what you went through I wouldn’t expect anything different.” Her words were reassuring and he let the feeling wash over him.

Eventually, he let her coax him into the backseat of the car and she slid in right next to him, pulling him back into her welcoming arms. He closed his eyes and settled, listening to her soft-spoken words rather than the noises of the car. 

By the time they finally pulled into their driveway he was almost asleep, his latest attack making him exhausted. He sat up and rubbed his eyes tiredly, making his mom chuckle quietly to his left. To his right the car door opened and his dad was there with the wheelchair, sighing, he shuffled forward and allowed his dad to help him into it. After he got situated into it, he was being wheeled up the driveway and into the house. 

They settled him in the living room with pillows, blankets, snacks, and whatever else they thought he may have needed. After they made sure he was comfortable, they had all settled on the couch to watch some movies. It was the weekend so no one had to go anywhere, so they just spent the entire day wrapped up in the living room. 

When it was getting late his dad helped him up the stairs and into his bedroom, he would have been embarrassed by the mess if he hadn’t been so tired. The medicine made it nearly impossible for him to keep his eyes open. His dad helped him into some pajamas and into his bed, he fixed the pillows to elevate his head and tucked the blanket around him. He reached out and grabbed his father's wrist as he made a move to leave, when he turned, Simon tugged his wrist until he leaned in closer. Reaching up, Simon wrapped his arms around his dad's neck.

“I love you dad.” He whispered. He felt his dad return the hug and squeeze him gently.

“I love you too Simon, I always will no matter what.” His dad said with sincerity.

They stayed like that until Simon fell asleep, a peaceful smile on his face. 

Chapter Text

The drive from school to the hospital had been a complete blur to Nick, he had no idea how long it took or who even drove him there. The only thing he had been aware of was Leah’s hand in his and the crushing guilt that was coursing through his body. He kept thinking that maybe if they hadn’t shut Simon out as they had then maybe he wouldn’t have been driving himself to school, he would have never been hit by the car, he never would have ended up in the hospital. 

That thought itself made his chest hurt and his throat tight. How could he have been so cruel, Simon was his best friend, his best friend in the entire world and Nick had treated him like shit. Sure, Simon had messed up but he didn’t have to completely shut him out as he had, leave him before he could even explain himself. He had been so angry that he had blown Simon off before he could even get a word out.

What he would give to go back to that moment and do it all over again. He knew without a doubt that Simon would never do something to hurt him intentionally and for him to allow what happened must have meant something terrible. 

He tried to think back to the weeks previous, Simon had been more reserved than normal, more skittish than ever before. He had chalked it up to Simon being nervous for the upcoming play, he never even thought to ask if it was anything else, he had just assumed.

He should have asked.

Maybe then things would have been different.

He wouldn’t be sitting in a hospital waiting room, waiting to hear if his best friend was okay. 

He should have known something was wrong, they had been best friends for the better part of thirteen years, they had been through so much together and their bond had been unbreakable.

Until Nick had broken it himself.

He had dropped Simon as if it had been nothing but it wasn’t nothing. He should have stayed to fix it, he never should have left the way he did. 

He leaned forward in his seat and laid his head in his hands, he tried to swallow down the bile in his throat as his mind kept replaying the scene over and over again. Behind his eyes were the images of Simon lying unconscious, bleeding, and broken behind the steering wheel of his car, the car that he himself had ridden in a multitude of times. The car that had held happy and fun times for all of them, but now was a very bad memory, one that he knows they all will never be able to forget. 

_____

Leah was never one for physical comfort, in fact, she had despised it, always believing that it made her seem weak, but that couldn’t stop her from collapsing into Abby’s arms at the sight of Simon crushed in his car. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to get that image out of her head for a long time.

She was sitting back in her seat, looking up at the ceiling, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. She had never been much of a crier but after the day's events, she knew no one would blame her. One of her best friends was seriously hurt right in front of her and she still had no idea if he was going to be okay.

That very thought made her stomach clench, she felt so guilty for the way she had treated Simon when they had last spoken. Their last interaction flashing through her mind, from the hurtful things she had said to the pained expression on Simon's face. She kept thinking about all the possibilities as to why Simon had done what he did and each one seemed worse than the last.

Simon was one of the nicest people on the planet, it didn’t make sense for him to have acted in a cruel way.

She thought back and tried to pinpoint the moment that things had started to go wrong and the first thing she could think of was Bram’s Halloween party. Simon had invited Martin, who none of them had liked or been friends with and Simon had gotten drunk, something he has never done or even thought about doing. 

She could have smacked herself, something clearly had been going on but she and the rest of them had been too blind to see it. She had been too wrapped up in her petty jealousy with Abby and her unrequited feelings for Simon.

If she had been more observant she would have clearly seen that Simon was suffering, in silence. She would have seen the way Martin continued to hang around them, seen the way that Simon had grown more and more into himself than ever before. Sure, he was a shy kind of guy but this had brought it to a whole new level, Simon had never seemed like himself anymore and she never even bothered to ask why.

Instead, she had been too wrapped up in her hurt feelings, she never once thought that maybe Simon was hurting too if she had she would have done things differently.

She closed her eyes and tried to take a deep breath, she tried to think positive for once in her life. There was no way that they could lose Simon, she still had to apologize for what she did and smack him upside the head for being stupid and not talking to her when things first started to get worse.

He was going to be okay and they were going to work through this, they had been friends for way too long to let it end now. 

_____

Abby never thought that she could feel more out of place than what she had felt on her first day at Creekside High School. She felt like a fraud sitting in the hospital waiting room, this room was meant for family and friends, and she was neither, not after what she had said to Simon, not after the way she had treated him. She couldn’t believe the way she had treated him, especially after he had been so nice in welcoming her to school, into his friend group, and into that small list of people that he cared about. 

They say that grief makes you realize things that weren’t there before and they were right.

Sitting in that chair she realized that they had been wrong, Simon would be the last person to hurt them, he was far too kind and caring. In any situation Simon always tried to help the most people, that’s just how he was. At theatre rehearsals he would always offer to help go over lines with anyone who needed it, he always offered rides to those in need and would never let anyone feel excluded. 

There had to be something that they were missing, it wasn’t making sense.

She had an inkling that Martin had something to do with it, she had learned from the others that they all had never really liked him because he was the classic high school douchebag. But recently he had been tagging along to all their group activities because Simon kept inviting him. She had assumed that they had become friends but when she thought back to it, Simon had always seemed like the most uncomfortable one out of all of them. He always seemed so miserable when they were all out, never really participating in conversation unless nudged by Martin.

That right there should have been a red flag but like the others, she had ignored it, way too caught up in her own feelings to realize.

She had been pining over Nick since she had gotten there but she had also been dealing with the stress of being the new student yet again. Everyone had tried to talk to her and be her friend all because she was different, she was fresh meat in the small town.

If she had even stopped for a second to think, she would have realized that something had been going on with Simon. Sure, she wasn’t as close to him as the others but she still cared for him deeply, she had been the first person he had told that he was gay too. For him to do that established a level of trust that they had, and she had broken it when she had yelled at him. In her moment of anger and betrayal, she had said some terrible things to him and he had just stood there, taking it all. And when he tried to explain she blew him off, not once giving him the chance.

What kind of person did that make her, a pretty terrible one she thought. 

She hugged her arms tighter around her body, trying to keep herself from shaking. The scene of the accident had made her cold to her core, she couldn’t get the image of Simon out of her head. She kept trying to picture him smiling or laughing but every time she did the image would change, his bright eyes turned cold, no longer hidden behind a pair of glasses. His once smiling face was now replaced with pained bleeding one, no hint of a smile whatsoever. 

_____

Due to his mother's job Bram had a lot of practice sitting in waiting rooms, the only difference now was that this time he was in a hospital instead of a dentist office, what he would give now to be in the latter.

Bram had been the one to drive all of them there as soon as the ambulance had left, he was the one in the least amount of shock. School was pushed to the back of all of their minds, the only thing they could think of was Simon.

No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop playing the crash over and over again, an endless loop in his head. He tried to think of anything and everything else but to no avail, nothing could get the image of how Simon looked in his car out of his mind. To be honest, he has no idea how he didn’t completely break down at the sight, maybe he was in too much shock at the time to do so. 

When he had gotten back from Savannah he had been shocked to find out that Simon had been outed and that he was also Jacques. He had wanted nothing more than to go to Simon and confess who he really was but he had been terrified, terrified that Simon would be disappointed to find out that he was Blue.

He was also terrified about what his family and friends would say, what the kids at school and his soccer team would say, what would all of them think about him then. Those were the thoughts that kept him from going to Simon, the reasons behind his actions of deactivating his email but now as he sat in the hospital waiting room, they had just been excuses. 

None of his reasons for hiding mattered the moment he saw Simon, bruised and bloody behind the wheel of his car, none of it mattered if the boy he was in love with never got to know his true feelings, his true identity.

He had decided then and there that as soon as Simon was better he was going to tell him the truth and hope for the best because he realized that not telling him would hurt more than a rejection. 

He leaned back in his seat and tried to calm his racing heart, they had been sitting there for a few hours now and still hadn’t heard anything, Simon’s parents had made it there in record time and had been rushed back to where Simon was. He kept trying to tell himself that everything was fine, that the reason why things were taking so long was that Simon was awake and complaining about everything they were doing because he knew how much the other boy hated hospitals, found it out in one of their earlier emails.

He willed every negative thought out of his mind and tried to be optimistic, Simon would be okay, he had to be.

_____

After another hour of waiting, Nick heard footsteps approaching and he looked up to see Simon's father walking towards them, silently he nudged the others and stood. They all stood and faced him with apprehension on their faces. He stopped in front of the teens and let a relieved smile settle on his face. 

“He’s pretty banged up but the doctors are optimistic that he’ll make a full recovery.” Jack stated.

The teens all let out the breath they were holding, looking at each other, and smiling relieved. 

“Thank you for letting us know Mr. Spier, we were all pretty worried.” Nick said relieved. He had seen the crash and even though he had tried not to think about it he knew it had been a bad one. When he had seen Simon he had feared the worse, especially when he wouldn’t respond to his name being yelled over and over again. 

“Can we see him?” Leah questioned. She was relieved to hear that he was going to be okay but she needed to see him for herself, she had to see that he was okay. 

“Unfortunately he’s still out, he hit his head pretty hard in the collision,” Jack said with a pained expression. “Doctor said it’ll be a few more hours at the earliest, tomorrow at the latest.” All the teens grimaced at his words and nodded. With that, Jack turned around and headed back down the hallway. They all looked at each other for a second before sitting back down, silently agreeing that they would wait until Simon woke up. 

_____

They had planned to stay until Simon was awake and they could see him but that quickly changed when Emily said that they weren’t welcomed anymore, to say they were shocked would be an understatement. Nick had attempted to say something to change her mind but she ended the conversation quickly after, leaving them alone in the waiting room without a second thought.

Bram turned on the others with a suspicious look in his eyes. 

“Why wouldn’t Simon want to see you guys?” He inquired. He knew that they weren’t really talking at the moment but he didn’t know why and he would have figured that after what had happened that Simon would want his best friends beside him, it turns out that wasn’t the case. From the look on the others' faces he knew that they had done something wrong, something to hurt the other boy, he stepped forward and crossed his arms.

“What did you guys do to Simon, what is she talking about?” His voice was calm with barely contained anger. If Simon didn’t want to see them then there had to be a reason why. 

“W-well we all kinda had this argument…” Abby stuttered out, there were tears welling up in her eyes. Leah and Nick had equally guilty expressions on their faces. 

“Simon lied about something and when the truth came out everything kind of exploded.” Leah explained. She was picking at the end of her sleeve and avoiding eye contact. 

“What do you mean everything kind of exploded?” He questioned quietly. There was dread swirling in his stomach. 

“We all got angry and before he could explain himself…” Nick hesitated, he scratched the back of his head nervously. “We left.”

There it was.

The other shoe had fallen.

Suddenly it all made sense.

He had wondered why Simon had been alone at school but he had just assumed that he had wanted to be alone, he never once thought that he could have been abandoned. 

“You left.” It wasn’t a question.

It was an acquisition. 

“It was stupid, we know that but you don’t know what he did and we were angry and..” Leah cut off when Bram held his hand up, he couldn’t listen to it. 

“You’re right it was stupid and I might not know what he did but he didn’t deserve being abandoned like that.” He said angrily. “You should have heard him out before storming away.”

“I know!” Nick shouted. He was shaking, his hands clenched into fists. “I know that I never should have left him like that...god he’s my best friend and I just..” He trailed off, shaking his head.

“I was going to go talk to him and then the thing in the cafeteria happened and I felt sick about not saying anything, for not doing anything…” His shoulders dropped and his arms fell limply to his sides.

“I was going to talk to him before school and then...he…” His voice broke and he dropped into a crouch, his hands coming up to wrap around the back of his neck. Leah and Abby crouched beside him and wrapped their arms around his shaking body. 

Bram looked around and saw that quite a few people were staring at the teens, giving in he crouched in front of Nick and placed his hands on his shoulders. When Nick lifted his head to meet his eyes he had to fight to keep the surprise off his face because Nick was crying, in all the time he had known him, he had never seen him cry once and that's saying something considering he’s seen Nick break his arm in a soccer game. 

“Come on, we should go.” He said gently.

No matter how much they wanted to see Simon, he didn’t want to see them, more specifically Nick, Leah, and Abby. Bram doubted that Simon even knew he was there and his parents had paid him no mind when speaking to them. He gripped Nick by the shoulders and pulled him up with him, Leah and Abby following silently.

Quietly they left the waiting room and headed out to the parking lot, Bram walked ahead since he knew he was more than likely driving them back home, the others being too distraught. 

The entire drive back to their houses had been silent, everyone lost in their own thoughts, all of them containing a certain blond hair grey-eyed boy.

Chapter Text

It was Monday morning that Simon found himself waking up to a hand running softly through his hair, blinking owlishly, he looked up and saw his mom sitting on the edge of his bed. She smiled when she saw that he was awake and leaned forward to kiss his forehead, right above where his stitches were. 

“Good morning honey, how are you feeling?” She kept her voice quiet so as to not trigger another headache, they found out quickly over the weekend that talking too loud would more than likely lead to him getting a painful headache. His medicine worked for the most part but there was only so much that he could take in one day.

“I’m feeling okay.” His voice was hoarse from sleep. He closed his eyes and leaned into the hand that was still in his hair, the feeling was calming, and soothing and making it hard to stay awake. 

“Si you gotta get up, we need to take the splint off your nose.” Her hand moved to his shoulder, shaking him gently. He sighed in defeat and rolled over, reaching up and letting her pull him out of bed. 

Even though his legs had suffered no damage from the accident, walking was still hard. His cracked ribs making it difficult to breathe when he did anything remotely physical, he could do little walks like to the bathroom and moving from the couch to the kitchen but anything more than that required the wheelchair. 

Once in the bathroom he was left to do his business and brush his teeth whilst his mom left to grab the glue remover that they had gotten for his splint, not necessary but very much appreciated. 

While he brushed his teeth he took the moment to look in the mirror, something he hadn’t really had a chance to do before. His hair was messier than usual but that could be blamed on just waking up. There were deep purple bruises around his nose and under his eyes from the break and there was a bruise around the stitches on his forehead. The colors of the bruises contrasted harshly against the paleness of his skin. He also had tiny lacerations on the left side of his face that ran down his neck and below his shirt. He didn’t need to lift his shirt up to know that his chest would be covered in bruises and cuts, he could feel them every time he took a breath. 

After he rinsed his mouth there was a soft knock on the door, he opened it and allowed his mom in. He sat down on the closed toilet lid while she placed the things she needed on the counter. She had the glue remover, some cotton swabs, a rag, and an ice pack. 

She dipped a cotton swab into the remover and started applying it to the edges of the tape, slowly lifting them up. The closer she got to his nose the more it hurt but he refrained from saying anything, he wanted the thing off his nose more than he cared about the pain. Once she was done pulling all the tape off his face, finally all the pressure that surrounded his nose was gone with one last pull. She grabbed the rag and ran it under the faucet before she reached out and grabbed his chin, gently wiping away the rest of the adhesive. She finished and pulled away smiling. 

“There, all done.” She exclaimed. She stepped away and threw all the used materials in the trash can. She went about washing her hands and then helped him down the stairs and into the living room. 

Over the weekend they had decided that it was better for him to stay down in the living room while everyone was out to minimize the possibility of an accident happening. Walking in of itself was still hard for him to do but he had also started to experience sudden episodes of extreme dizziness and blurry vision, adding to that, his balance had started to be an issue for him. 

At first, he had been worried that something was wrong but his parents had reassured him that all of those things were to be expected with his injuries. They just had to take extra precautions to make sure he didn’t hurt himself more than he already was because of them.

His mom led him to the couch and helped him settle down into it. Once he was comfortable his mom handed him the ice pack and then headed back upstairs to finish getting ready for work. 

He looked around his living room and tried to make out the things around him, everything was still blurry because he didn’t have his glasses, his original pair had been destroyed in the accident and his spare pair was in his locker at school. He would have to make sure to ask Nora to grab them before she came home.

Just as he thought it, he heard the sound of rapid footsteps coming down the stairs and Nora appeared around the corner. Though everything was still blurry he could see her smile.

“Morning Si.” She approached the couch and leaned over the back of it to hug him. He smiled himself and gripped her arms to hug back. Over the weekend Nora had barely left his side and he couldn’t have been more grateful for it. 

She had been there when the dark thoughts had crept back into his mind, she had been the one to help calm him down when everything became too loud and too bright and his senses were overloaded. She had been the one there when he woke up scared and held his hands to help him.

“Morning Nora.”

She released him and made her way to the kitchen to start breakfast. When she had learned that he had a mild concussion she had googled what foods would be good for him to eat and had incorporated them into all of her cooking just for him. It had been such a little thing for her to do but it had meant the absolute world to him. 

He pulled his legs up onto the couch and laid his head down on the arm, closing his eyes. Even though he had been mostly sleeping through the night with the help of his medicine, he was constantly tired. His parents had told him that it was normal and that he had nothing to worry about, that the doctors had informed them that he would constantly be tired and in need of sleep because that was his body’s way of trying to heal itself. 

He must have fallen back asleep because when he opened his eyes again his dad was there with a hand on his shoulder. 

“Come on sleepyhead, you gotta eat, then you can go back to sleep.” His dad’s voice was quiet but filled with amusement. 

He sighed dramatically and allowed his dad to help him off the couch and into the kitchen where Nora was piling what looked like pancakes onto a plate. He sat down in one of the chairs and leaned his head in his hand, trying to stay awake but also trying to go back to sleep. One of the perks of having a concussion was that he could go to sleep practically anywhere at any time. 

He was almost asleep when a plate was set in front of him, he opened his eyes and looked down to see a plate of pancakes. He mentally patted himself on the back for being right about it being pancakes but looking closer he saw that they were also blueberry pancakes. He vaguely thought back to the list of fruits that Nora had told him about in relation to his concussion and smiled when he remembered that blueberries were on that list. He was going to have to come up with some way to pay her back for all that she was doing for him. Maybe he could conspire with his parents to come up with something. 

He sat up and looked at his family, who in turn was already staring at him, he smiled sheepishly when he realized that he had been spacing out again. 

“Sorry..what?” 

“I was asking if you felt comfortable being here by yourself, I can take more time off” His mom was in full protective mode and he knew it. While Nora had been a constant presence by his side, his parents hadn’t been too far behind. They checked up on him roughly every thirty minutes which he understood, while the doctors had said he was fine to go home there was always a chance for something to go wrong. 

He wouldn’t admit it but he was slightly nervous about being home by himself. They all had spent the last few days practically glued at the hip and while most people probably would have found it suffocating and annoying, he didn’t, instead, he had felt safe and secured. 

“Yes mom, I’ll be fine.” He lied. “Plus you guys already took time off to stay with me in the hospital.”

“Are you sure honey? It's really no problem.” 

“Yes I'm sure, I'm gonna stay down here on the couch just like we talked about, I have the bathroom and the kitchen if I need them. And my wheelchair is right there if I can't walk to what I need, plus I have Bieber.”

“Okay but you call us if you start having any problems.” His dad was trying to look nonchalant but Simon could see the raw concern on his face. 

“I will, I'll have the house phone with me the entire time.” He promised. They took his answer and dropped the matter. All of them turned towards their own plates and started eating. 

Once they were finished and everything was put up, he was led back to the couch while his mom and sister were grabbing their things for the day. They both hugged him and then made their way out the door, leaving just him and his dad. His dad still had an hour before he needed to be at work so that meant that he could stay a little longer. 

His dad sat next to him on the couch and Simon settled against his side, leaning his head on his shoulder. His dad wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him in closer, his hand coming up to run through his hair gently. He sighed and relaxed completely into his dad, feeling fully content. 

It felt like he had just closed his eyes when his dad was shaking his shoulder again. 

“I gotta get going, you sure you’re gonna be okay?” His dad’s voice was anxious and the concern was evident on his face. 

“Yeah I’ll be fine, I’m just gonna sleep.” He said reassuringly. 

His dad stared at him for a moment before he nodded. He moved off the couch and walked into the kitchen. He returned a moment later with a few pills and a glass of water, he dropped the pills into Simon’s hand and he threw them back, washing them down with the water. 

His dad took the glass back and placed it on the table while he laid down fully on the couch. His dad grabbed the blanket and threw it over him, tucking it close to his body with a smile. 

“If you need anything, call me.” Simon nodded his agreement, the medicine already starting to take effect. 

“Love you, dad.” He mumbled.

“Love you too, Si.” His dad whispered as he pressed a kiss to his head. 

Simon felt himself drift off before his dad even made it out the front door.

_____

Nora sighed as the final bell rang. She was tired, irritated, and ready to go home. People had been trying to talk to her all day about Simon, students and teachers alike, and she just wanted to leave already. She had been anxious ever since she left the house this morning, she was worried about Simon being home by himself. She knew rationally that he could take care of himself and that he was more than likely going to be fine but that didn’t ease her nerves.

Even though the doctors had said that Simon was going to make a full recovery, they had also mentioned that there could be setbacks if something was to happen. 

She grabbed her bag and quickly made her way out of the classroom and down the hall to her locker, pulling her things from her locker, she shoved them into her backpack, more worried about getting home to Simon rather than her papers getting wrinkled. She shut her locker with more force than necessary and was about to walk away when her phone began to buzz in her pocket, she pulled it out and saw their home phone number flashing on the screen. 

“Simon, everything okay?” She questioned anxiously.

“Oh yeah everything's good, I was just gonna ask if you could grab something from my locker.” Her shoulders slumped in relief.  

“Yeah sure, whatever you need.” She made her way down the hallway to where she knew Simon’s locker was. 

“Could you grab my spare glasses, I’m getting tired of everything being blurry.” She chuckled as she reached his locker.

“What’s the combo?”

“5-31-16” He rattled off the numbers.

“Okay, do you need anything besides your glasses?” She asked.

“Nope, that’s it.”

“Okay, I’ll be home soon.” 

They both said their goodbyes and hung up. She tucked her phone back into her pocket and spun the dial on the locker, opening it with ease. She grabbed the glasses and slid them into the side pocket of her backpack. 

“Nora?” She tensed as she heard footsteps stop behind her, she closed the locker and turned around to face Nick and Leah. If she was being honest she’s actually surprised it took them so long to seek her out, she had figured that they would have tried to talk to her this morning when she arrived. 

“What?” She asked as she crossed her arms. 

Over the weekend Simon had come clean about everything that had happened, from the emails to the blackmail that Martin had been doing, and then finally to how his so-called friends had ditched him. 

To say she was angry would have been an understatement, she was royally pissed. Simon and they had been friends pretty much her entire life. She had seen them laugh, cry, and fight with each other but they had never abandoned each other so to hear that they had done exactly that had shocked her. 

She knew that they had a good reason to be angry but it wasn’t good enough to leave Simon the way they had. They should have stayed to learn why because she knew it would have changed everything but she couldn’t be the one to tell them that. Simon had asked her specifically to not say anything to them because they both knew that they were going to try and talk to her. His reasoning had been simple: if they could abandon him so easily after thirteen years of friendship then why did it matter the reason. If they had wanted to know why then they should have asked that before they had ditched him. 

“What are you doing at Simon's locker?” Nick questioned.

Nora quirked her eyebrow at the question, not expecting that. 

“Simon asked me to get his other pair of glasses, his usual ones were ruined in the crash.” They both flinched at the mention of the accident and for a second she felt bad for mentioning it, but it didn’t last for long. She swung her bag back onto her shoulders and gave them a look before she turned away and started back down the hallway towards the exit. 

“Nora wait!” She paused as they scrambled to catch up.

“What?” Nick and Leah looked at each other nervously and she didn’t blame them. She normally wasn’t this short, especially not to them but she wasn’t their biggest fan at the moment.

“How’s Simon?” Leah spoke up, as she fiddled with the sleeves of her jacket. 

“Why do you care?” She responded cooly. They both sputtered for a moment before Nick hesitantly took a step forward.

“He’s our best friend, of course, we care.” He sounded offended at that accusation.

“Yeah right, some friends you are.” She said angrily. “ Did you guys think for one second as to why Simon would do what he did before you guys abandoned him?” 

“Nora we..” Leah tried.

“No.” She cut her off. “If you had thought about someone other than yourselves for just a second you would have realized that there was so much more going on.” She clenched her hands into fists and took a breath. If she didn’t stop now she was really going to go off and she couldn’t do that. 

“You guys wanna know what happened? Then figure it out for yourselves.” She began to turn away when Leah reached out and grabbed her arm. 

“It has something to do with Martin, doesn’t it?” She asked. Nora’s shoulders tensed at the name, white-hot anger flashing through her.

“Yes.” She pulled her arm out of Leah’s grasp and spun on her heel, walking down the hallway and out the front doors, this time no one stopped her. She stuck her earphones in and began the walk home. 

She tried to focus on the music but her thoughts were too loud. She really hadn’t said much, so Simon couldn’t really get that mad at her, she was only confirming what Leah was already thinking and she had tried to avoid talking to them but they were persistent. 

She could only hope that they would get their heads out of their asses and fix things with Simon before it became too late. She knew just how stubborn her brother could be but she also knew that he had one of the most forgiving and kindest hearts out there. As siblings, they have fought more than she would like to admit but it always ended in forgiveness, usually always because Simon would come to talk to her, and reason with her, and almost always came to apologize even though most of the time their fights were started by her. That’s just how he was, that’s how he had always been, for as long as she could remember.

But she also knew how hurt he was, though he kept reassuring her that he was okay, she knew that he was in agony, he had been in pain for quite some time and though he never said anything she could always see the shadow in his eyes. He had been silent about the pain he was feeling up until a few days ago, when they had brought him home from the hospital they all silently decided to take shifts to semi-creepy-watch him while he slept, with good reason of course.

It was on her shift when Simon woke up with a gasp and frightened expression on his face. She had been sitting on the end of his bed just thumbing through her phone when it happened, she’d be lying if she said it didn’t scare the shit out of her, but she had been quick to grab his hands in hers and calm him down. 

When she had asked what had scared him she was expecting it to be solely about the accident but it had been so much more, she had listened in almost absolute silence as Simon broke down and recounted every single thing that had happened to him the past several months, the good, the bad, and the ugly. She felt terrible because so much had happened to him and she hadn’t noticed a single thing. She had been aware of him being more distant than normal but she had figured that if he had wanted to talk about it, that he would have said something, now she realized how wrong she had been to let it go.

When she had found the Tumblr post that had outed him she had thought it was a joke at first and when she had shown it to him she could see instantly that it was anything but a joke. From that moment on she had barely seen Simon, he had holed himself up in his room and refused to leave, she caught him a couple of times late at night going to get food but every time she tried to say something he would either outright ignore her or just turn around and leave, though it hurt she couldn’t bring herself to even be the least upset about it because she knew that he was struggling. Their whole family was struggling, ever since Simon had come out things had been tense, not in a bad way but in a stressful, awkward kind of way.

She could pinpoint the exact moment that feeling had settled over them, it started as soon as their dad made that god awful joke. 

From that moment on things were tense and if she was being honest she wasn’t sure if they were gonna get past it, that was until Simon’s accident. She had still been at home when it happened and had been waiting for her mom to take her because Simon had been leaving early to avoid all of them. They had been about to leave when the call came through and then things weren’t just tense anymore, there was panic, and fear, and regret. 

The time between the phone call and getting to the hospital was all a blur to her, one minute she was in the kitchen getting ready to leave for school and the next she was sitting in a waiting room with their parents. The worst part had been the waiting, waiting to hear if he was gonna be okay or not, waiting to hear the extent of his injuries, it had been torture. 

The relief they felt when the doctor had finally come to talk to them had been staggering, letting them know that Simon had been injured but that he was going to heal and was more than likely going to be just fine. After that it was just a waiting game, waiting for Simon to wake up and then waiting to take him home. By the time they all got home from the hospital a few days later the tension that had tainted their home was gone, instead replaced with acceptance and love. 

She was pulled from her thoughts as she turned the corner and came upon their street, she sighed heavily, exhausted. She was eager to put the events of school in the back of her mind and just focus on hanging with Simon. 

With that thought in mind, she smiled as she pulled her key from her pocket, unlocking the door and heading inside.