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The wind howled, and despite the thick nature of Bucky’s coat the cold cut right through his winter clothing like a knife. He and Steve, long after the many wars they had survived, had decided that at least twice a year they would hang up their super-hero capes and take care of themselves. Well, in all honesty it was more Bucky insisting that Steve take time off, take time away from avenging. What usually won him the argument was referring back to their days in Brooklyn, that pre-serum, tiny or not, he was no better at taking care of himself now as he was then. He always had to pull that card when Steve would, as sleepy as a child, argue while Bucky shed him of his gear after a difficult fight. Where he would be bruised and banged up, hardly able to life his arms to get into the shower. Very little had changed in his opinion, Steve could be just that, a stubborn ass child. They’d get so close to outright fighting, then exhaustion would take hold, Steve would give in and all of a sudden they were 19 and 17 again.
They’d owned the cabin for almost a year now and every time they visited they arrived together, this time was different. Steve was finishing up on paperwork that he swore would only take a few hours, it ended up taking up most the day. So Bucky reluctantly said he’d meet him there and to hurry his ass up.
The weather had different ideas, it started out as a fine mist, turned to rain and now was a steady veil of huge sloppy snow flakes that were currently plopping in his face as he gathered up firewood. He wanted everything to be ready and cozy for the both of them, at least that was what he was going for, he was damn near soaked through by the time he got back inside but had managed to salvage the pieces of wood for the large fireplace.
He got the door closed behind him, effectively chilling the room as he maneuvered in his heavy boots, kicking them off by the door. He set the firewood down onto the stone surface and shed his damp clothes. He glanced up at the grandfather clock that read 8pm, an antique he was proud to come across when they were furnishing the place. The only technology Tony had convinced them into placing in the cabin was, of course security, and the television in the bedroom.
He tried to stay his irritation knowing that Steve would get there when he got there, didn’t mean he wouldn’t give him his own two cents. Soon enough he had the fireplace roaring and he smiled in triumph, the neighbor next door, upon seeing him arrive in one of two cars had made a bunch of soups and casseroles for the impending weather and had ‘made too much’ but he knew she more than likely seen Bucky come by early that morning and started cooking. One less thing to do he supposed, and the fact that she was a great cook didn’t hurt either.
He tied back his hair, changed out of his jeans and underarmor gear and swapped them for thick sweats and a hoodie, he plopped down onto the oversized couch and admired his fire-starting skills. Just as he was beginning to get worried he heard the footsteps and the rattling of the doorknob instead of the car making its way of the drive.
“About time,” Bucky began, but stopped when he was greeted with not only a soaked but pissed off looking boyfriend, but a trembling one as well, “What the hell happened?”
“Car stalled about 15 minutes down the road,” Steve shivered, he looked upset, there was no doubt there, but more than anything he looked frozen. He wasn’t wearing his winter coat, only a sweatshirt and his tennis shoes, all the casual wear he adorned at home. The steel grey of his shirt was dark with the same sopping snow he’d watch start to fall more and more as the sun got lower in the sky.
It had been the first time they’d experienced snow in their new place, and maybe even since everything had calmed down. “Jesus, Stevie, you should have called me…” he got up from the couch, grabbing a towel off the back of the kitchen chair.
“No cell service,” Steve answered, waggling his phone.
Only now that Bucky was up on his feet did he notice just how horribly Steve was shaking but it couldn’t possibly be from the cold alone, the guy burned like a furnace. He figured out something was terribly wrong a second too late. Steve’s eyes went somewhat vacant, he was staring down at himself, sliding his phone onto the neighboring table. He made a shuddering noise that made Bucky’s heart jolt.
“Steve, hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he took him by both arms, hands firmly on his biceps, steadying him as it seemed as though he might topple, “Honey…”
“Really cold, Buck, too cold…snow…so much…snow…” his cobalt blue eyes were wide and wet, and Bucky realized it wasn’t being uncomfortable, quite suddenly Steve looked terrified. It hadn’t happened often, only once or twice, but it was blatantly apparent that Steve didn’t handle the cold well. On a good day he only trembled, he would fall quiet and need a couple hours to work past it. This was border-lining on panic attack, no, that’s what it was as soon as Steve let out a gasp that was so very close to a sob. Panic attack.
Bucky had never been more thankful that he’d been sitting so close to the fireplace because his hands were so warm they were clammy. He cradled Steve’s face carefully with both, lining up their sight, “Look at me Steve, it’s just cold and nothing more. Look at me, feel that?” he kissed his nose that was pink from the chilly winds that were steadily picking up outside. The house groaned and Steve nearly collapsed as he flinched, “Oh, sweetheart, you feel me here? Feel this?” he caressed his cheekbones with his thumbs, Steve reached up and grasped his hands with his own.
Steve nodded and stuttered out another watery sob that sounded buried in his throat, he was fighting for control. Goddamn snow. Goddamn wind, Bucky cursed silently. However, on the outside he made damn sure he stayed calm, this could go south real fast. He wasn’t sure if it would descend into a flashback or not. First things first.
“Baby-doll, let’s get you out of these wet clothes, we’ll get you warm. Everything’s alright, you’re okay, you’re safe. Stay with me, huh?” he hurried Steve over to the couch and sat him down like he might shatter into a million tiny pieces if jostled just right. He grabbed one of their bags, whether it was his or Steve’s he wasn’t sure but he knew there’d be a change of clothes. He’d packed for both of them before he left.
He bent down on one knee and untied Steve’s shoes, working his jeans past his hips and shimmied his shirt over his head. He pulled his own sweatshirt up and over his head and guided Steve into the clothing, hopefully it was warmer than just picking something out of the gym bag. He prayed his own body heat clung enough to have Steve find it comforting. At this point he could tell Steve was trying desperately to level his breathing, his eyes slammed shut tight, his hands balled up in fists.
And it seemed like he might just win after all until the house shifted loudly once more with another powerful gust of wind. To say Steve yelped would have been an understatement and Bucky moved quickly from the floor to Steve’s side, grabbing the blankets he’d already set out earlier. He wrapped them around his shoulders and wrangled him up by the bends of his knees until his legs were effectively in Bucky’s lap. “Breathe, it’s only temporary, remember? Not forever, we’ll get through this. Just the house creaking and soon enough this cold’ll be gone too. Ya feel how dry you are now? Nice and snug. I’m right here sweetheart, right here.”
Steve clung so fiercely it almost hurt, he tucked his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck, his breath hot and frantic against Bucky’s exposed flesh. It was the best thing really, skin to skin would be better but for now layers would do for now. He situated the blankets more carefully around Steve’s legs, tucking the ends around his bare feet squeezing his toes as he passed them. With his one hand he rubbed up and down his arms and torso, with his flesh hand he threaded his fingers through the short strands of Steve’s damp hair. The snowflakes had melted and dripped down the nape of his neck and back, Bucky caressed there until their dampness was gone as well, leaving goosebumps behind in their wake.
Bucky rocked him gently, hardly really at all but just enough movement to create calm. That was the thing about Steve’s panic attacks, stillness would almost always make things worse, a constant movement was always best. So he continued to rock him, pressing kisses against the cheekbone he could reach. Steve had yet to even remotely untuck his face from the space between Bucky’s shoulder and chin.
So much for relaxing, Bucky thought sadly.
He wanted to slap himself for not seeing it as soon as Steve opened the door. He hadn’t seen an attack in so long it came as a surprise. A big of a surprise as the snow storm had been. And of course Steve’s car would break down, of course.
Steve’s shaking subsided, a few quiet sniffles were a tell-tale sign of him coming down from it all. Bucky kissed his cheek again, running one thumb along the sharp line of his jaw, “Can you look at me Stevie?”
The reluctance was clear, Steve shifted only enough to expose one eye and just the tip of his nose. He glanced upwards, his gaze still glassy and fearful, “Sorry about that…just came on…usually can stop it.”
“Don’t apologize, don’t start with me,” he whispered softly, pressing lips to his forehead and lingering there for a few seconds, “Take your time. Take all the time you need.”
And Steve positively slumped, every bit of tension eking out of his muscles, instead of hiding he smooshed his cheek to Bucky’s chest with a groan and closed his eyes in exhaustion. Steve only twitched a couple more times when the house continued to adjust to the cold outside, the crackling of the fireplace was louder and much more soothing Bucky was sure.
Bucky wasn’t sure how much time had passed after that, between the two bundled in the soft fleece blankets they’d created enough body heat that had Steve dozing. It was the way his breathing has blessedly changed, from fast and choppy, to smooth and deep. The burning pine made a particularly loud pop that had Steve flinching a little more intensely, that woke Bucky up and he ran another hand up and down Steve’s back to soothe. It was a few more wordless seconds before Steve pushed himself up from Bucky’s chest, his eyes blurry and red rimmed with sleep and leftover panic.
“What a way to start the weekend,” he croaked, rubbing at his eyes with his middle finger and thumb, “I-I hate it when it just…jumps me like that…ya know? It’s just a little snow…not the end of the world.”
Bucky reached forward and held his chin firmly between two fingers, “You didn’t plan on walking in this shit, Stevie. Took you by surprise, we didn’t expect all this to crop up when it did anyway. Not your fault and what did I tell you? No apologizin’.”
Steve looked tired, he always looked tired after a panic attack, he looked around the room in that same sleepy way that made Bucky think about when they were kids. When he’d wake from nightmares and for a moment forget where he was, he knew Steve well enough to know that he was unconsciously surveying any threats. As if there would be in their little cabin home. This made Bucky take one of Steve’s hands, turn it over and place a kiss in the heart of his palm, “Safe and sound sweetheart.”
Steve nodded, closing his eyes and nodded again, he swung his legs out of Bucky’s lap and buried his face in both of his own hands, “I know Buck…thank you though.” he leaned sideways into Bucky’s space and pressed a hard kiss against the naked plane of his shoulders.
“Come on,” Bucky exhaled, moving up slowly from the couch and reaching out with both hands, “How about a shower, huh? Then I think you should lay down for a bit.”
Steve looked like he might start arguing but thankfully that look only lasted a few seconds before he allowed Bucky to lead him through the bedroom and into the large bathroom with the more than modern shower stall. Steve was complying, moving robotic but not in a troublesome way. It was in one of those rare moments that Steve was giving in.
“You okay if I stick around, you don’t seem so steady on your feet.”
“Yeah, don’t leave,” Steve murmured, clutching Bucky’s hand almost as tightly as he had earlier.
As methodical as Bucky had dressed Steve, he did just the same as he undressed him, he’d started the water long enough to create a thick mass of warm fog that trickled into the bedroom where he’d set him on the edge of the bed. It was the right thing to do because Steve never shivered or shook as he led him naked into the shower, the spray didn’t only come from the top but from the sides as well.
Steve moved into Bucky’s space without question, his arms were loose and relaxed against around Bucky’s waist. For a few moments Bucky only held him, slick palms gliding up and down the flesh of his back. He could tell Steve had showered before he left the compound, so this was merely a tactic to change atmosphere, texture, temperature, one of the only ways to ground Steve after something so intense. He rocked them back and forth, letting the warm water run and cascade down both their bodies until Steve’s skin was pleasantly pink all over.
Panic attack or not Steve was exhausted from work, he never let up and rarely took breaks in between missions. It was an ongoing battle between him and Steve, to slow down, hell, to stop all together. But that was a fight for another day.
Bucky wouldn’t lie, he enjoyed when Steve would fully give in and allow insane amounts of coddling. This was definitely one of those times because without argument he turned off the spigots of the shower, grabbed one of the towels, wrapped Steve up both around his waist and shoulders and man-handled him into the bedroom.
Clad in a towel alone, Steve crawled over the thick comforter of the bed and wormed his way beneath the covers, never asking for clothes. His head hit the pillow with a loud huff. Bucky took another blanket from the closet and settled that over Steve’s barely exposed head, the tuffs of blonde hair hardly seen at all.
Bucky only smiled, leaning over just far enough to kiss his damp temple, “You get some sleep.”
Steve’s head moved from the blanket, “You’re not staying?”
Bucky’s chest seized up, their age difference shining in this moment of vulnerability, “Of course I am baby-doll, just turning off the light.” he did just that and rounded to his side of the bed, pulling back the covers only enough to slide inside without disturbing Steve’s self-made cocoon. Here would be the skin on skin contact that Steve probably needed earlier, because the younger man took no time in curling into Bucky’s side with a grunt. He made it a point to make sure their chests were pressed to one another, Steve had moved downwards in the bed, low enough to wrap himself around Bucky and with another well-placed groan and a happy sigh, buried his face in Bucky’s neck.
Bucky couldn’t help but laugh softly and full of contentment, “Comfy?”
“Mmhmm,” Steve exhaled roughly, “I know you say not to…but I feel bad…about…making this the opposite of relaxin’.”
“Don’t,” Bucky reminded him, bringing the blanket up higher around his shoulders, “We’ll just start fresh when you wake up, right?”
He could feel Steve’s contemplation, him biting his lips before nodding, “Start fresh, yeah…I love you, you know that right?”
Bucky closed his eyes, feeling tired as well, the worry sloughing away slowly but surely, his lips brushing against Steve’s forehead, “I love you too baby-doll, nothin’ gonna change that. Now close your eyes. I got you, you know I always got you.”