Chapter Text
Just a Word
Cute.
She was 18. She hated being called that word.
She loved being called that word. She was 8.
Her father would call her cute. It was a mocking tone. She would never be enough of a girl.
Her father would call her cute. It made her feel loved. It made her feel like she belonged.
Whenever he would start calling her that, she only felt dread. She tried to stay out of his way, to live her life as she so desperately wanted to. She saved up from working odd jobs to buy a girl’s uniform, the slice-of-life manga that helped her cope, anything to help her present to the world that she was how she felt inside.
She felt elated any time her father would call her. She loved her father. Any time she wanted to try on a dress and liked it, he would buy it for her. A princess, he would say. He would give her anything she wanted.
Her mother had left. She never knew why, wondered if it was her fault. In the end, Natsuki knew why, but she still left her with the wretched man, who was doing the same to her.
Her mother would laugh a bright laugh that would fill the room with kindness. She wanted to bask in the shine that her mother left everywhere. Natsuki loved her parents.
Natsuki hated her parents. One had left her to fend for herself. All the times that she had heard her mother would be there for her were lies. The other was the aggressor that had caused her to grow up much too quick. She wished her father would show the support he had in the days of her youth. When he was still sober for most of the week. When he was too busy supporting his family to ever hurt them.
Her father started to come home earlier more often. Not enough work at the company, they had told him. It wasn’t a worry though, because he would continue on and probably get a promotion soon. It was inevitable after all, with all the years he had spent with them.
“How is my cute Natty tonight?” It sent a shiver down her spine whenever he would use her pet name. He was drunk again tonight. “Still trying to trick the world?”
“I’m just working on my homework,” She was stiff. She didn’t want to make any movements. Anything could make him explode. “It’s for tomorrow.”
“Best of luck to you, my boy. Take off those silly clothes before you go to bed!” His voice rose, hollering out what he had to say. Was this what she deserved?
“How is my cute Natty?” Natsuki jumped onto him as soon as he had gotten home.
“Papa! I went to the park today and it was amazing! I made so many new friends!” Her father chuckled. He placed his hand on her head and patted her.
“You can bring them home sometime. Were they cute girls? Got a crush on one of them already?” Natsuki blushed and yelled out a ‘gross!’ before jumping out of his arms and running to the kitchen to her mother.
She woke up and groggily pushed herself out of bed. Looking out of her window, she could see that the car was still there. She could only think of the trouble that was awaiting her before her trip to the school. She put on her uniform and opened the door to her room. Looking both ways, she made her way down the stairs to try and sneak out before her father saw her. She was almost at the door.
“Goddamn it Natsuki, why are you wearing that again? Do you go to school like that every day?” Her father started walking down the stairs as she stood, frozen in fear.
“…” Natsuki knew if she lied, he would just hit that much harder.
“Can you, for one damn second, consider how I feel?” Her feelings were irrelevant. “How long do you insist on playing like this?”
“I- I’m not playing…” Her nerve broke. She was weak.
“Go change into the right uniform. That’s an order.” She made her way up to put on the wrong uniform. People would make fun of her today.
“Don’t worry dear, you’ll find another job soon.” It was meant to reassure, but it had the opposite effect.
“What do you know? It’s so hard,” He took a good swig from the bottle, “So much pressure. I need to provide and I can’t!”
“It’ll be o-" The slap was heard across all the rooms in the house. Natsuki heard it and went to investigate.
“What’s wrong Mama and Papa?” Natsuki’s father was sitting on the bed, with her mother on the same bed, but her body laid down on it.
“You… How long do you insist on playing dress-up? We bought you perfectly good and appropriate clothes!” His yells got louder as he approached her.
“Let her be!” Her mother had gotten up and stood in between them.
“Her? It’s her now? Come on!” She was 12.
Natsuki was panicking. The last time she had to show up in the wrong uniform, the bullies had added to her bruises. She quickly texted Sayori.
Nat: Hey, do you have a spare uniform?
SayoSayo: Why?
Nat: Dad made me wear the wrong one.
SayoSayo: What? What a jerk, why would he do that?
Nat: Can you help?
SayoSayo: Sure, I’ll bring the old one I have. It might fit.
Nat: Thanks!
The first time he hit her, it was a surprise. He yelled at her to start acting like a man. She didn’t know what to do, her mother was gone now. There was a promise of return, but she knew that wouldn’t happen. The second time was no less of a surprise. The tenth time, she figured she deserved it. After all, why would such a kind man that cared for her hit her otherwise. Her mother left when she was 14. In two years, it went from yelling to hitting. In two years, she went from being well fed to barely scarping together a meal every day.
When her uniform came in last year, she accepted it and made a plan. She could buy the right one off of one of the girls she met. She had started saving up the money she was earning through odd jobs. When she was older, she could apply for a job that would be more stable.
“Hey Natsuki!” A voice much too cheery came up from behind her, holding out a bag.
“Thank you again Sayori,” She rushed to the bathroom to change.
She could make it through the day.
She was 17 when she found the literature club. It was solace like no other. She could be open about her interests and express her opinions. She didn’t like how Monika treated her, but she figured it was because she was just bossy.
She was 18 when Sayori brought a boy to the club. He ruined the atmosphere.
She was 18, and she was still just a cute child.