Work Text:
“There is no Life outside of Jesus Christ, he is the only thing we have to look up to.”
Gentle eyes looked down into my young face which was looking up, desperately trying to see what it was that my father was talking about. Where was Jesus? I was going to find him.
“You are lucky, to grow up in a home that serves Jesus. You are able to serve him with your whole life. Now sweetie, get ready were going to go to church”
“OK daddy”
“You make and ideal human sacrifice”
It was a sweet memory. I loved going to church with dad, he would go early to set up the service. He always had so much wisdom to share with me. He was never angry at church, never yelled, he only ever looked at me and smiled in a way that reached his eyes. A kind face. His church face. I was always on my best behavior, for Dad and for Jesus. I wanted to help. To be helpful. To make them proud.
“I have a gift for you my dear”
It was a small book.
“ This will be your first bible. This book will tell you about how much Jesus loves you and what he wants for your life.”
“Your life belongs to me. You will sell me your soul willingly”
I read that Bible every night, I prayed every night, nice and loud so dad could hear me and be proud of me. I tried to be interested in the family bible studies. I tried to sit still in church. I tried to have all the answers in Sunday school. I behaved and was a good child so that the church would know that Dad was a good Christian. I felt guilt sharply so I would repent. I would be good. I was going to be the perfect child. I told all my friends, told them about Jesus. Told them they were going to hell without him. Told them not to be bad. Told them that they needed Him.
“And you will sell it in exchange for guilt.”
I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t want this sin. I am not supposed to do these bad things. I am supposed to be a christian. What if I am not saved? Is that why I want a boyfriend? I don’t want them to think I am not cool. I want to make Jesus happy. I want my friends to like me. I want to be loved. Why can't I feel loved by Jesus. Why can't I behave? Why do I want to sin? What would Dad think? I can hide it. Dad doesn’t have to know. I can still be good. I'll still go to church. I'll raise my hands during worship, I'll make myself a good christian.
“And you will sell it in exchange for your freedom, in exchange for all pleasure.”
I always wanted this. I always wanted to be kissed. I always wanted to be loved. Why dose it burn? Why do I want to die? Why did he leave? He was supposed to be the one, he was supposed to be the one, is he the one? She was supposed to be the one. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted. It must be my fault. I must be bad. I am too bad to be loved by God. I am too ugly to be loved by boys. I am too needy to be loved by girls. I lie too much to be loved by dad. I am too much to be loved.
“You are mine, I will mold you into what I want. Into what I need”
I am a slut. I am disgusting. I cant be loved now. I have to convert. I was never saved. I wouldn’t have acted this way if I was. I deserve the heartbreak. I shouldn’t have trusted myself. I have to fix myself. I have to conform to Gods will. If I die now, I will go to hell. I cant die yet. I have to be saved. I am so bad. I am filthy. I am a dirty bride. No man will love me. No woman will love me. Not even God will love me unless I change. Dad wouldn’t love me if he knew. I have to go, I have to dedicate my life.
“Lie on the alter child, let me have your soul. Let me come into you.”
I will praise his name, I will sing his glory, I will live my life for him! He is in me! I am good because of him. I am dirty but he makes me clean. I am dirty, but He isn’t. I am dirty. Praise his name! I will be saved so I can die. So I can escape from this life. I will let him have my soul, and my body, and my life, I am his. He loves me. I don’t have to love myself because he loves me. I shouldn’t love myself. He wouldn’t like that. I am dirty.
“Don’t struggle child, let me have my way with you. Let me have you.”
why am I still dirty. Shouldn’t I be clean? Shouldn't I want to live by now? Am I sure this is right? Maybe dad will know.
“There is no life outside of Jesus Christ, he is the only thing we have to look up to”
But what if I don’t want life?
“Stop struggling, lie still, This will only hurt more if you don’t obey.”
It hurts. Breathing hurts. Why cant it stop! Why can't I make it stop. Ill stop eating, maybe Ill die. It still hurts. I'll cut myself. I'll take the pain into my own hands. It still hurts. It hurts too much. I have to die, there is no way I can survive this pain. Why wont this end? Why can't I end this! Why cant I just conform!? Why can't I obey! Dad help me!
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
I am going to self destruct and take out everything around me. I am going to hurt myself till I finally die. I will die.
“Die then, I am done with you anyway”