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Lexa knew she had fucked up.
She could still remember the words Clarke had said the first time they met. She could still remember the rules Clarke had clearly laid out. She could still remember the moment when Clarke said "I'm just looking for a fuck buddy, nothing more." Lexa didn't know if she fully understood the extent of their situation until last night. Last night when she felt something she never felt before. Last night when Clarke had turned up at her place drunk. Last night when Clarke's head was between her legs and she quietly gasped out three dreaded words.
She cradled her head in her hands. How did she even end up in such a mess? More importantly, how did she develop feelings (that are definitely not love) for Clarke Griffin? Clarke was a professional alcoholic, undergraduate slacker who is very unorganised and messy and does not have a grip on her own life. She was always caught up in so much drama Lexa thought maybe this was just a plot of a badly written television series. Clarke may be physically attractive (Lexa wasn't going to lie, she has eyes and she is addicted to her blonde wavy hair that is occasionally tied in a messy bun and her blue cerulean eyes. She could spot those eyes anywhere, even among of crowd of women with blonde hair and blue eyes. Not to mention her physique, Clarke never worked out but she still looked amazing. Lexa definitely discourage her from wearing those overly exposed dresses to parties even if Clarke never listened to her but she hated to admit that those dresses could do something to her.), but she had terrible habits for her vibrant, outgoing and compassionate personality. It didn't come as a surprise for Lexa that Clarke was a med student because she clearly wanted to help people. But Clarke, an untidy, chaotic student, studying medicine? Don't doctors have to be neat and keep the area clean to avoid bacteria and germs or something like that? It was even worse when Clarke would paint. She definitely was a talented painter (and part of Lexa wondered why she never pursued that instead but she never bothered to ask. Nope, they were pretty much only friends with benefits but they barely knew much about each other Lexa wasn't sure if they were friends so their relationship was just... acquaintances with benefits? This is the exact reason why Lexa did not understand their current situation.), and Lexa had seen some occasionally sketches and paintings. But sometimes (most of the times) the product of that eye-catching, emotional artwork is a disastrous mess left behind. It was like a tornado swept through the room and Lexa never knew why Clarke couldn't paint with newspapers on the floor. (There was still this paint stain in a corner of her living room, why did she ever allow Clarke to paint there?)
Ok, so maybe she was being too harsh on Clarke. But their personalities clashed too much. Lexa was a jock (well, not a full-on jock because she had the best grades out there and she never thought soccer would help her succeed in life even if she had many scholarships and offers from clubs. Clarke called her a jock anyway but then again, why does she care what Clarke says.), she loves keeping her place clean and organised (there's a place for everything!) and she definitely hated going to parties. The only friends she had were her teammates, and the cheerleaders until well, Costia happened and the cheerleaders probably didn't like her that much anymore. She detested social gatherings, they were pointless and a waste of time. The point was that the two of them would never mix. Yet, a part of Lexa thought maybe she agreed to all of this to get over Costia. Find a girl that Costia could never become and get over her. Pity the closest available person was Clarke Griffin.
She definitely did not expect to want something more with Clarke Griffin.
Lexa could only pray Clarke did not hear her strangled gasp, as she softly screamed "I love you" when Clarke made her come. Clarke had passed out nearly after that while Lexa sat at the side of the bed, watching blonde hair flow down her shoulders and she struggled to keep herself together. Lexa remembered the panic, the fear and the sudden burst of regret she felt, silently trying to comprehend the entire situation.
She was in love with Clarke Griffin.
It was going to destroy her, destroy them, destroy whatever relationship they had. Clarke didn't want a 'relationship', she made it really clear at the beginning. "This is just sex, no strings attached, I'm not interested in dating," and Lexa had readily agreed. Maybe she never expected to fall for her. Lexa glanced at the clock. 05:34. About an hour before Clarke woke up and everything went to shit. She gathered her clothes and crept out of the room, careful not to wake the blonde up before taking a shower and grabbing an early breakfast. Yes, she was that efficient. When she returned, Clarke was slumped over the couch, moaning about a headache.
"Oh god, how much did I drink last night? How did I even end up here?"
"You turned up at my front door past midnight, drink this, it'll make the headache better." Lexa passed her a glass, along with a small takeaway meal she had bought. "Eat before it gets worse."
The house was silent for a while, with the occasionally rustling of the plastic bags and the sound of Clarke chewing her food. Lexa decided she might as well use the opportunity to do her daily exercise before leaving for morning practice.
"So we uh, had sex, last night?"
Lexa made a non-committal "mm" and resumed her workout, she didn't want Clarke to ask more about it. Part of her was scared that Clarke would somehow remember what exactly happened last night. After all, even if it were a soft gasp, she had learned she wasn't as quiet as she thought she was.
No strings attached, right?
"Can't really remember last night, it's all fuzzy. I don't even remember drinking that much."
Lexa just made a sound, desperately trying to ignore Clarke's attempted narration of yesterdays events. She did not hear how she nearly hooked up with Finn but Raven stopped her and tried to bring her home but she left before Raven could turn up which was how Clarke ended up at her doorstep. Lexa definitely did not listen to whatever Clarke could remember.
"Look Clarke," she interrupted the blonde who looked at her abruptly. Lexa got up from her push ups and wiped her sweat away. "That was yesterday, this is today. Isn't it much better to focus on today? I've got to get to practice soon so if you could finish up so that I can lock my apartment, preferably without you in it." Clarke immediately scrambled to a feet, muttering a string of apologies as Lexa went to change. She usually wasn't that cold, she just needed more time to think about what was going on. They said their goodbyes are the doorstep and left for their separate ways at the nearby junction.
Lexa hailed a cab since the weather was a little chilly that they. The driver stopped in front of the familiar stadium. It had been a while since she set foot here ever since last season ended and she wasn't going to lie she had been itching to play again. Lexa readjusted her bag and walked up to the entrance just as her teammates started jogging in.
"Lexi! You're late!"
Lexa rolled her eyes and ignored the group of them. They never failed to try and prank her at every opportunity they could, from unscheduled practices to wrong timings, but Lexa always knew what was going on. There was a reason they called her Commander after all.
"Glad to see you are all warmed up. For calling me Lexi, you are all going to give me another lap round the stadium now!"
"Aye, aye!" They mockingly saluted her and burst into a song as Lexa shook her head. She was so deep in thought she did not realise one of them had followed her to the locker room.
"So what's up lately?"
Lexa looked up, eyeing Anya and just sighed, "Nothing much. Look, I'm fine now. Let's just get to practice." She stood up and picked up her bottle and headed out to the field.
"I've seen that look before."
Lexa let out a sigh and turned to face her teammate and best friend. "I told you I'm fine, I just met someone and something happened. But I'll figure it out, can we just go for practice first. If you really want to talk about it, tonight 7pm, the bar opposite my place." She slammed the locker door and grabbed the cage of balls along her way. The cool wind hit her immediately but she did not care. She was going to enjoy this practice and make full use of it. The season did not begin for the next 3 months but her team was eyeing for their 5th championship in a row.
She hoped everything would work out after all.
xxx
Practice was tough, as expected. They had started out with the usual seasonal briefing, quick run through of the schedule and the mid year camp. Then, the tiring part began, starting off with suicide runs before they ran through some set plays and ended off with a quick 5v5 match. Lexa was pretty pleased at their performance. Her team definitely needed more conditioning after the long break but Lexa had faith in them. Their coach was particularly hopeful this year, besides the team was getting new members in a few weeks and one of them was rumoured to be a possible powerhouse. Her brother was playing for Men's team and some said she was better than him. Lexa definitely was looking forward to finding out who that was.
The weather was slowly heating up as it approached noon and Lexa decided to dismiss them early since it was their first practice anyways. She smiled as she heard the cheers erupt and loud buzzing from everyone. They all waved her goodbye while she continued practicing in the sun for a little while more. Every time she kicked the ball towards the goal, last night would flash by her eyes and she would remember every single detail of it. How Clarke's fingers had softly grazed her body, how she had pushed Clarke up against the wall, how it felt to be knuckle deep in Clarke Griffin. She still was not able to wrap her mind around how she even fell for Clarke. It had practically seemed impossible at the beginning.
"If you kick that ball any harder, it might actually burst."
Lexa ignored the comment and took another shot. Except this time, someone had dived towards it, perfectly blocking the ball from reaching the net and wrapping it close to her chest.
"Still got it," Anya winked as she got up, dropping the ball and dusting her knees.
"Did you, did you just, from there?" Lexa pointed from the sidelines to the goalpost, her mouth hanging wide open. Anya laughed and walked up to her, "Don't act so surprised. You've watched me do this before. In fact, you taught me part of this move."
"Titus will shave his eyebrows off if he witnessed you nearly kill yourself!" Lexa screamed, exasperated. She definitely did not want to deal with Titus and his constant disapproving look anytime soon.
"Out of the 36 times I've done that, I haven't suffered any brain damage yet, so I'm pretty sure I'm a professional at this. You see, Lexi," Anya chuckled, slinging her arm over Lexa's shoulder and dragging her back to the lockers, "that is why I am a really valuable asset to the team. No ball can physically get past me. And even if it does, I always stop it before it reaches the goal. Learn some new things, kiddo."
"You are the goalkeeper, of course that's your job. If you let a ball get past you, it means you failed, idiot." Lexa grinned, punching Anya lightly in the arm.
"Well, it's been a while you last smiled so I guess, mission accomplished." Lexa said nothing in return and just sat on the bench beside the goalkeeper. "Can't really make it tonight, I have a hot date. But we can do the conversation now, if you're up for it, no pressure." Anya got up and unlocked her locker, rummaging through it for a set of new clothes.
"I, I'm seeing someone, I guess. I mean, I don't really know if it's called seeing but I-"
"Wait, you're seeing someone? And you didn't tell me? Way to hurt my feelings."
Lexa shook her head. She did want to tell Anya, but she didn't know how. Everything was just so complicated. "I did but, I don't know man. It's complicated. It's not really called seeing if we're just having sex, right?"
"So like, a fuck buddy? Never thought you were the kind to do that. You were always about one night stands on a long committed relationship. The two extremities of the relationship line."
"It's just, she makes it complicated. She said she didn't want a relationship. It was meant to just be a no strings attached thing but I, it's stupid, never mind." Lexa got up to leave but Anya pushed her back down.
"You fell for her, didn't you?"
There was silence for a while and Lexa couldn't find the courage to lift her head up and look Anya in the eye.
"Yeah," she mumbled and she felt reality crush over her.
"Well, did you tell her? Does she know?"
Lexa shook her head and she knew Anya was definitely facepalming.
"Seriously? What do you have to lose, telling her? I mean, you barely know her right?"
"I don't know, I want more and I'm scared to lose what I already have," Lexa confessed.
"Which is her turning up at your door and screwing your brains out before leaving the next day. Minimal conversation, maximum contact. Lexa, that's not any relationship worth keeping. You either tell her and have something much substantial or end it with her. Because if you don't, I can already predict that it will affect you a lot. I don't want to pull the 'this is an important season' card but it is important for all of us and you can't be distracted, okay?"
She knew Anya was right, Anya was somehow always right and Lexa learned never to doubt her. "But I don't know how? Do I wait for the next time she comes? She's pretty much always drunk."
"Dude, call her, ask to meet for lunch or something. Then tell her. Seriously, do you need me to walk you through this step by step?"
Lexa grumbled something unhappily and grabbed her training bag, walking out of the room.
"YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY!"
xxx
Lexa was a coward.
It had been a week since the talk with Anya and she had yet to find the courage to text Clarke. In that week, Clarke had ended up in her bed 2 times. Once when she was drunk, another when she was just looking for relief. Both times, Clarke had slept over at her place, then woke up in the morning late and had some leftover breakfast before leaving hastily. Both times, Lexa had prayed she would not let slip those three words. Maybe she just said it in the heat of the moment. Maybe she was going to finish the sentence with something else but Clarke's tongue had sucked the words out of her. Lexa knew could keep lying to herself like that but she the fact that she was absolutely, utterly in love with Clarke Griffin. (How on earth was she supposed to resist her?)
At times, Lexa would wonder if Clarke was hooking up with any other people or if it was just her. Maybe if she wasn't the only one she wouldn't feel so bad about losing this connection they had. Clarke would have other people to rely on anyways. Because while Clarke may seem like a outgoing, carefree person, she had watched her break down a couple of times, she knew bits and pieces of her past but that was all that Clarke would ever tell her.
She stared at her phone and sighed. They rarely texted, a lot of times it was just impromptu. Even if they did, it was usually Clarke asking if she could pick her up. Maybe it was time to change that. Maybe she should just stop being terrified of calling someone and act like the tough commander she was. There was a whole lot of maybes lately.
Before she could turn her phone off, Anya barged into the room and snatched her phone away. "Anya," Lexa whined, desperately trying to get her phone back but 1. Anya was way taller than her 2. Anya was so agile Lexa knew she did not stand a chance against her 3. Anya was surprisingly fast.
"You haven't called her yet???" Anya scrolled through her call log and messages, judging every text the two have exchanged. "I told you to do so one week ago. That's it, I'm gonna call her for you."
"No Anya, wait!" But she was too late. Anya had hit the call button and turned the speaker on. The phone dialled for a while before Clarke picked up.
"Lexa?"
Lexa snarled at Anya and the older woman shrugged, tossing the phone back to her and leaving her room.
"Uh hey Clarke."
"Is everything alright? You don't really call me."
"Oh no, everything's fine. I was just wondering if you would like to uh, I, would you like to meet me for lunch? It's not a date it's just, there's something I want to tell you. Actually it's Anya who's trying to force me to tell you but it's important and I feel like you should know if not I might -"
"Lex, you're rambling."
Lexa blushed, at the nickname or at the fact that she was losing herself, she didn't know. But damn was she embarrassed and it was just a phone call.
"Yup, sorry. So, lunch?"
"I'm free tomorrow. I'll text you the address. See you."
Clarke hung up immediately after that. No goodbye, no pause for Lexa to respond. Maybe this was a bad idea and she was just going to embarrass herself further. Lexa stared at her phone just as Anya opened her door. "So, how was it? She agreed?"
"Yeah, and I rambled a lot and probably embarrassed myself," Lexa groaned.
"Well, at least it's set. Time to get up and stop moping around, the entire team's hanging out at the mall and we are expected to join them in 20 minutes." Anya pulled her to a feet and pushed her into her wardrobe. "Wear something nice! And be fast, I don't want to be late." She yelled. Lexa changed into a button up and jeans, sliding her phone into her pocket. It was pretty rare for everyone to be able to hang out together and she was going to use this as an opportunity to focus on team bonding. She will worry about the Clarke situation later. As expected, Anya had somehow stolen her old club jersey and a pair of shorts and Lexa stared at her unimpressed.
"What? I'm going to the gym later."
"You told me to wear something nice and then you steal my clothes and wear something like that."
"Whatever, there isn't time to change, we're gonna be late," Anya dragged her out onto the parking lot.
"So, your motorcycle or my car."
Lexa grinned and pressed a helmet into Anya's chest.
"What do you think?"
"I hate you."
xxx
"So this is kind of awkward, huh?" Clarke sipped her drink and Lexa just shrugged. "I mean, it's weird that we are sitting her talking since every time we meet, we always end up in your bed."
Lexa tried hard not to blush at that statement. She would be lying if she said the way Clarke's voice suddenly turned low and husky did not turn her on.
"Why don't we order some food first?" Clarke nodded and they called the waiter over. Lexa ordered a bowl of pasta and a soda while Clarke went for the grilled chicken. They made some small talk (which was surprising for both of them), until the food came and Lexa finally decided to pluck up her courage and tell Clarke about it.
"Remember when we first met?"
Clarke hummed and motioned to the piece of chicken in her mouth. She swallowed it and set her utensils down. "What about it?"
"I know you said this was supposed to be a no strings attached thing but I," she paused and tried to find the words. It was hard to do so when Clarke's blue eyes were staring right into hers. "I have feelings for you. I didn't really think I could ever because we are really different. But your laugh and your smile is just really special. And that's why I-"
Clarke's head shot up and you swallowed those words down.
"And that's why you're you. You weren't exactly my type but somehow along the way, you became the most important thing to me. And every time you scream my name I just, I would feel thing explode in my mind. I guess what I'm saying is, I know you didn't want to do relationships but would you be my girlfriend?"
Clarke stared at her, face blank and mouth hung wide open. The entire place was silent for awhile (or maybe Lexa's raging heartbeat was just drowning out the background sounds) before Clarke finally spoke.
"Yeah, I didn't really want to do relationships."
Lexa sucked in a breath and she could feel her heart breaking a little. Guess she just embarrassed herself again.
"My last relationship was a mess and complete disaster. I thought we were forever but everything just came falling apart as time passed. I guess I'm kind of scared when it comes to relationships. I'm not going to lie, you are a wonderful person, Lexa. Anyone would be lucky to have you. But I'm a mess and I don't want to drag you down." Clarke's voice dropped and she stared at the plate in front of her.
"Being with you taught me that I should be brave and embrace difficulties and try to fix them, instead of always running from them. I wasn't entirely sure but that night when you whispered you loved me, I guess I knew. I knew you were the one I was willing to risk my heart for. So yes, I will you be a girlfriend but please, please don't break my heart. Because if you do, I don't know how I would ever move on from that."
Lexa looked up at Clarke and saw tears running down her face. She immediately reached out and took Clarke's hand in hers. "I promise I will try my absolute best not to hurt you and if I do, I will make it up to you, I swear."
Clarke smiled and pressed a kiss on Lexa's lips. This kiss was different unlike the rest, their kisses were usually desperate, hot and wanting, but this time it was soft and tender. Lexa swore there were fireworks exploding in her mind and when they pulled back, she had to even out her breathing before she could speak.
"So um, how are we going to do this?" Her arms gesturing vaguely to whatever was between them.
"Well, one thing for sure is that I have to stop turning up at your front step intoxicated. And we go on actual dates, not just hanging out at bars and getting drunk and making out."
Lexa chuckled at that memory. "That was literally one time and you dragged me there."
"How about this, Lexa Woods, my dear girlfriend, will you go out on a date with me tonight? I'll pick you up at 7."
"Mhm, I look forward to it, Clarke Griffin. Seduce me," she added teasingly, knowing full well Clarke knew how to seduce her right. The blonde simply winked and offered her hand to Lexa. Lexa wrapped her hands tightly in Clarkes as they left the cafe together. This certainly went better than expected.
xxx
"Also, it's not Lexa Woods. My name's actually Alexandria Woods, but people just call me Lexa."
Clarke quirked an eyebrow. "Alexandria," she said, "Alexandria, Alexandria, Alexandria."
Lexa let out a soft groan as she slipped her hand around Clarke's waist, pressing her lips to Clarkes ear. "I really like the way you say my name like that. And I'm really glad I'm not just your fuck buddy anymore."