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Ben had long forgotten what it felt like to be alive.
He had forgotten what it was like to feel the sun and wind on his face, to feel the hunger in his stomach, to breath and actually feel the air go down his throat.
It was overwhelming to say the least, even after three days spent in the past. The sensations still got to him, and he wasn’t used to waking up in the morning and feeling his heartbeat inside his chest.
They had a lot to work on. As soon as they arrived in the past they spent time trying to figure out how to repair the mistakes they caused, how to fix the wrongs they committed. They had been spending the past few nights in Luther’s room, all too shell shocked to be left alone.
Vanya hated being away from Allison, the trauma of thinking she murdered her sister making her panic every time they were away from each other. Five stuck close to Vanya as well, and Ben wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to make sure she wouldn’t harm anyone or because of the closeness they used to have. Luther didn’t want to leave Allison alone either, for obvious reasons. And Diego, Klaus and him were all sticking together, mostly out of habit than anything else.
They had a lot to work towards. They promised to Vanya to include her, to not let their father torture her and lock her up again. They promised that they would help her calmly use her powers safely so she couldn’t be so scared. They had years of trauma to make up for.
Ben couldn’t sleep. He just wasn’t used to it, he never had to as a ghost, he would simply just fade away to get his rest but otherwise he was always perfectly energized. So most nights he laid away, curled up against Klaus, the heat from his body warming Klaus’s freezing skin.
Klaus had always been cold. Ever from a young age, he felt like he was carved from ice. It didn’t matter how many blankets they piled up on him, he was always shivering. After a few years he got used to it, stopped shivering but Ben knew he was always freezing. It had something to do with the ghosts, but Klaus was always as cold as the dead, the temperature of bodies whose soul had passed on.
So they cuddled up often, because Ben was always boiling warm. That was another thing he wasn’t used to. The warmth that radiated off him. He had spent years freezing cold, no heat generating inside his body. But now? He not only had to warm himself but the monster shifting inside of him, the warmth making him feel like he was going to sweat himself to death.
It was easier to sleep on the cool floor beside Klaus, two different ice-cold objects helping himself regulate it all. Luther and Allison took the bed, of course, while Vanya was curled up on the chair beside it, somehow comfortable. Five was spread out in the corner, all doors and windows visible from where he lay. Klaus and Ben curled up together on the floor, while Diego laid a few feet away from them, cuddled up on a bunch of pillows and blankets.
It was calm, dark and quiet and it helped calm the monsters under Ben’s skin, let him relax and get used to existing once again.
Then the door to Luther’s room creaked open, and Ben stayed still, his heart pumping as he waited to see who was walking in. The light filtered in slightly before Grace walked in, and Ben relaxed after seeing his mom. She was probably just checking up on them. He caught the shadow of a figure standing outside the door, but he figured it was probably just Pogo, waiting for Grace to come back out.
He pretended to sleep not wanting to be caught up after hours and tattled on to their father. Their mom bustled around, tucking Diego in tighter and petting a hand over Vanya’s hair, before stopping in front of them. Ben thought he was caught, but he forced himself to stay still, to keep pretending.
Grace didn’t react, didn’t call hm out on his ruse. Instead she stepped around him, reaching down and carefully shaking Klaus awake. Ben didn’t move, too committed to his acting to turn to see what she was doing. He heard Klaus groan, weakly ask what time it was and why he had to get up. He moaned dramatically as Grace whispered something too soft for Ben to hear.
“Surprises are stupid mom. What do you want?” Klaus grumbled again, and Ben felt Klaus sit up, the cool presence at his back disappearing.
“You father wants you to see him, he said it’s urgent.” Grace replied pleasantly, and Ben furrowed his brow, trying to think of why their father might want with Klaus at like 3am in the morning.
But Klaus went deadly still behind him, and every Klaus related alarm went off in Ben’s mind and he shifted, getting ready to comfort his brother as soon as it was safe too.
“No.” Klaus said loudly, his voice cutting through the silent room and making the others shift towards consciousness. “No, no, no.” Klaus said, standing up and backing away from Grace. Ben was sitting up in a moment, his game of acting forgotten as he saw the distress Klaus was in.
The others were starting to wake up, mumbling and complaining about the noise and their disrupted sleep schedule. Ben thought he saw Five give them the middle finger, but he wasn’t too sure. Most of them were all half asleep still, Ben and Klaus being the only two actually fully aware.
Ben was up on his feet, unsure about what to do as Grace walked over to Klaus, who was practically covering in a corner.
“Don’t worry darling, it’ll be quick.” She said with a pleasant smile, reaching out and shoving something into Klaus’s arm. Klaus looked down at it momentarily before looking back up, his eyes flickering to Ben’s.
Ben could see the fear, the panic in Klaus bright green eyes. They were shining with tears, but slowly drooping as he wavered, falling into Grace’s arms. She tsked him, walking him over to the door.
Ben walked towards them, but Grace waved him back and he was caught between helping his brother in whatever this was or listening and behaving normally. They were supposed to pretend like nothing was wrong, that they were still gullible little children too scared to speak up.
“Don’t worry Ben, just go back to bed. Your father just has some extra training he needs Klaus to do.” Grace said with a sweet smile, practically carrying Klaus to the door and opening it to reveal the stoic faced Reginald.
Oh shit.
“No!” He cried darting forwards, panic clenching his heart. “Get away from him.” He screamed, and suddenly Diego was holding him back, looking confused to what was happening but his protective instincts kicking in.
But he was protecting the wrong person. Ben knew exactly where Klaus was going, why they gave him sedatives so he wouldn’t protest, wouldn’t make a noise. They were taking him to the mausoleum. The very place that hunted him all the way to his 30’s made him weep and scream and turn to drugs and alcohol just so he could forget it.
“Bring him back here now.” Ben screamed at their father, who was watching him with what almost looked like curiosity. Ben kicked out, feeling anger and fear and concern radiate from him, making the monsters under his skin crawl and beg to be let out. But he couldn’t he couldn’t risk hurting Klaus, who was standing behind father, his eyes wide but out of it, a dreamy look on his face. “I swear to go god I will kill you.”
He was blinded by rage, but his father simply smiled, knowing Ben couldn’t hold that promise. And that made everything ten times worse. He felt just as helpless as he was when he was dead, unable to properly comfort Klaus. He struggled harder, and Diego struggled to hold him, causing Luther to jump out of bed and help him, the two of them holding Ben back as he screamed bloody murder.
They didn’t get it. Didn’t understand where Klaus was going or why it was so important that he didn’t go there.
“Go back to bed everyone, breakfast will be served on time tomorrow, do not be late. And Number Six, if I see this kind of disobedience again there will be punishment.” His father said, before shutting the door and Ben could hear the click of a lock, keeping them all contained inside the room.
Diego and Luther let go of him, and Ben was slamming into the door, hitting it and screaming to be let out. Screaming for Klaus to somehow break free and come back, so they could all just lie down again and pretend this didn’t happen.
He felt the tears run down his cheeks, the monster rolling under his skin as he hit it over and over again, his siblings trying to hold him back. But he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. He owed it to Klaus to not stop.
Klaus, who was about to be locked up in his worst nightmare. Klaus who was probably going to come home two days from now with a haunted and empty look in his eyes. Klaus who was going to be screaming and begging and crying and no one would be there to save him.
Ben remembered the times when Klaus would try to get sober, only for the memories to assault him and he would go into a panic, finding the closest drug eh could and injecting it or swallowing it faster than he could blink. Ben couldn’t help him then, but now? Now he was alive, could feel and touch and he was still as useless as he used to be.
Ben sobbed, falling to the ground and placing his forehead against the wood. He wasn’t one to often get emotional, but he could cry now, was able to feel emotions and act on them. So he sobbed.
He sobbed for his brave brother who nobody took seriously. Who was haunted and terrorized by something people told him was a gift. Ben knew what it was like to be scared of your own power, to be terrified of something you couldn’t change.
“Ben? Talk to us.” Diego was saying, and Ben felt his hand rest on his shoulder hesitantly. “What’s going on? Where is Klaus going?”
Ben laughed, turning to face them. They were all standing, wearing their pajamas and looking slightly worried and confused. His eyes caught on Five for a second.
“Can you go get him?” He asked hopefully. “Just pop over there and bring him back. Or better yet bring him somewhere far away from here.” Ben was rambling, grasping at straws. He didn’t even know where they were. If they were a few minutes away, miles away, or in their backyard. He had no clue, only the vague descriptions Klaus rambled about when he was high.
“Calm down Ben,” Luther ordered, frowning. “Klaus is just going to training, he’ll be back soon. He isn’t in danger.”
Ben started laughing, hysteria bubbling up and over the top. Luther never got it, he was always the favourite, never tortured, never belittled. His special training consisted of knocking things over and picking them back up and getting pats on the back from dad.
For Klaus it was the screams of the dead, it was begging and the pitch black and no mercy.
“You don’t get it.” He said weakly, shaking his head. He was tired now, worn out and feeling as if he failed something. “None of you get it.”
Well, that was a half truth. Vanya probably knew what the fear was like, the isolation and the dark. Being locked up against their will. But none of them bothered to try and understand anything about Klaus. Ben was forced to after years of being dead. They never even attempted.
They had promised Vanya that they wouldn’t let her get locked up once again. But who was there to promise Klaus the same?
“No we don’t.” Allison said, calming him as she crouched down, running her hands up and down his arms. The touch was weird, he wasn’t used to touching anyone but Klaus. “Explain it to us.”
It wasn’t an order, she hadn’t used her powers on him, but he still felt required to answer. Like he couldn’t refuse.
“Dad’s taking him to the mausoleum.” Ben whispered, and suddenly it felt a lot more real. His siblings were silent beside him.
“Excuse me?” Five asked, his tone icy.
“The mausoleum. To help him with his fear of the ghosts.” Ben laughed again. “It just terrified him more.”
Vanya blinked, looking away as if she was going to star crying. The ret of them simply gaped at him.
“How dare that bastard-“ Diego started, cutting himself off as he stood up, pacing and running his hands through his hair.
“It started when he was young I think.” Ben continued, they needed to hear it all. “Ever since he was nine I believe. Dad locked him in the place and would leave him alone for days, in the dark and with the ghosts. He went there a lot as an adult. They never left him alone. Every time he sobered up he would be assaulted by them, he would go there all the time. I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough. And how he’s back there.”
Ben sobbed again, catching it in his throat as he slammed a fist on the door once again.
“I can’t help him.” Ben said weakly, and suddenly Allison was hugging him, sobbing alongside him. Then the rest of them joined, all huddled together as they mourned for the brother they never thought they had to save.
“We’ll get him back.” Diego promised, his mouth hovering above Ben’s head. “He’ll never have to go back there again.”
Ben had told himself that when they first got here, but look at how far that promise went.
________________
Three days later and Dad returned late at night. He had been missing along with Klaus, probably not wanting to deal with the siblings protesting against him. Ben knew because he watched him enter, waking up from his light sleep the second he heard the front door. He couldn’t sleep without Klaus by him, years of being attach at the hip giving him slight connection issues.
He watched as his dad entered alone, walking right to his study without pause. Ben rolled over and went back to sleep, trying to mask his disappointment. Diego curled up with him, trying his best to support Ben, but he just wasn’t Klaus.
The next morning Klaus was sitting at the breakfast table when they walked downstairs, hunched over and shovelling food into his mouth. He looked up briefly when he heard them come down, relief flickering in his eyes for a moment before disappearing. He raised up the hand that used to have the word ‘hello’ written on it, before turning back to his food.
Ben darted forwards, crashing into his brother and wrapping his arms tightly around him. Klaus made a startled noise, looking down at Ben before awkwardly patting his head. But Ben knew that inside Klaus needed the contact just as much as Ben did. The rest of his siblings swarmed around him, asking questions and apologies and Ben knew it was too much for Klaus.
So he sat down, the others taking the hint when he wouldn’t stop glaring at them. It was nice that they could actually see his glares now.
Breakfast in the basement was always the best. It wasn’t formal like it was upstairs, it was just the siblings sitting around, talking and joking and allowed to be kids.
But today, it was next to silence, the scrape of forks against plates the only sound. They were all stealing glances at Klaus, worried and angry on his behalf but confused and unsure how to react around him.
Ben was studying Klaus carefully, checking every little sign he knew.
Klaus was always in motion, it was just how he always was. He was always waving an arm around or flicking something or someone. His feet would dance across the floor, swaying like a dance. He would always be glancing around, his eyes flickering from side to side and his mouth twitching as if he was getting ready to talk. Ben knew that due to the ghosts milling around, the dead talking and trying to get his attention at all times.
“Are you okay Klaus?” Luther asked, looking uncomfortable but resigned.
“Me?” Klaus asked, widening his eyes in innocence. “Never been better.” He said with a wide smile, but Ben could see the minute shake to his hands, the way his eyes flickered slightly to the side of Luther’s head before going back into focus. Ben kicked him under the table, hard, and Klaus looked over at him, pouting slightly.
“That was rude.” He commented, and Ben glared harder. It seemed like all he was doing was glaring. Then his eyes caught something, a dark purple under the color of Klaus’s black and blue shirt.
“What’s that?” Ben asked reaching forwards to pull the color down. Klaus immediately back up, slapping at Ben’s hands, but it was too late. Ben had already saw the purpling bruises littering his neck, fingerprints imprinted on his skin. “Who did that?” he demanded.
“None of your business. It was a long night.” Klaus said, trying to deflect like Ben didn’t know exactly where he was.
“Was it dad? He pressed, his anger for the man increasing. IF he had even laid a finger on Klaus Ben swore to god he would murder him.
“Don’t be stupid Ben.” Klaus laughed, getting to his feet. Ben could see the slight sway, as if he was being pushed over by a strong wind.
“Tell us Klaus.” Five demanded, sounding bored but also concerned at the same time.
“None of your beeswax Dummkopf.” Klaus said, stepping away. “I’m going out.” He declared.
Five jumped in front of him, appearing out of nowhere to push Klaus back slightly.
“To get drunk? Or high? I thought you were going sober asshole.” Five said, crossing his arms.
“What’s the point? I’m not needed here.” Klaus said, throwing up his arms. The connection was made in Ben’s mind.
“It was the ghosts huh. They can touch you now.” He called out, and Klaus paused on his way out, his shoulder heaving slightly as he hung his head.
“It doesn’t matter now.” Klaus replied lowly.
“Of course it does.” Diego cut in. “You’ve been doing really good bro. You’ve been sober for almost a week.”
“For what!” Klaus cried out, turning around and throwing up his arms. “What has me being sober done to anything? It’s done nothing but make me feel things and want to scream and god damn it I just want to be numb again.” Klaus was saying, his breath coming out too fast and he looked like he was going to cry.
“What about Dave?” Ben cried out. Grasping for straws. Klaus had wanted to get sober for Dave, for the love that they had. Ben knew how much that man had meant to Klaus, if Klaus had him as motivation maybe Dave could help.
But Klaus just laughed, throwing his head back and laughing like a maniac.
“You don’t get it do you?” Klaus asked, staring Ben down. Ben wanted to step back, he was used to Klaus anger, but it still sucked to have it aimed at him. Even if he knew Klaus was only using it as a deflection. “Dave doesn’t know me!”
“What do you mean?” Diego said, the only other one who wasn’t looking on confused. They were the only other two that knew about Klaus and his trip to the past.
“I mean, I haven’t gone back in time in this timeline have I?” Klaus asked, clapping his hands together. “Dave doesn’t know who I am, I probably don’t have the time or resources to go back in this timeline, which means Dave is just another soldier who died in the war. I checked. I don’t exist back then, so he doesn’t know anything about me. If I summon him it would only make him confused and make me hurt. So why am I sober? Why am I here?” He cried, his voice raising until he was yelling, a sadistic smile throughout the rant.
And well, he was right wasn’t he? Ben hadn’t thought of it like that.
“To help us stop the end of the world.” Five reminded him.
Klaus laughed, turning to Vanya, who was watching them all with wide eyes. “Hey sis, are you going to blow the world up again?” He asked cruelly, and Ben frowned.
“No!” Vanya cried, looking slightly offended. But Ben guessed she was used to insults, it wasn’t an excuse.
“That’s what I thought. She isn’t going to make the same mistakes Five. Have some confidence in her. So me being here sober is pointless, useless. It’s painful and I just want them to stop screaming, to stop touching me.” He said, tears running down his cheeks and Ben stepped forwards, wanting to comfort him. But Klaus moved back, staring Ben down with his teary green eyes.
“Come one Klaus.” Luther said, stepping forwards in what looked like an attempt to help out. “It can’t be that bad right? Just sleep it off and we can work it out.”
Ben remembered why they never let Luther comfort them.
“Not that bad?” Klaus asked, mocking Luther’s voice. “Tell me yourself then, is this that bad?”
Then, in a fit of rage the room was suddenly glowing bright blue, Klaus’s eyes and hands mimicking the color.
Figures flickered in and out of view, hundreds of them cramped in the small kitchen, in various states of decay and death. Ben felt like he was dead again, watching the dead torment his brother as he was simply reduced to another nagging voice.
There was a man holding onto Klaus, his hand broken and sticking up at random angles, his other arms hanging limply from the socket. Ben saw twin girls near him, one decapitated and the other gutted, the entrails glistening in the light.
A few corpses were on the ground, clawing towards Klaus and walking past the siblings, unaware that they could see them too.
Then the sound filtered in, screams and yells echoing around. The sound was inhuman, ten times worse than Ben remembered. They were screaming Klaus’s name, begging him to help them, to look at them. Fingers were grasping at Klaus’s arms and legs, trying to tug him down and knock him over. Ben knew they would willingly pull him apart piece by piece if they had enough strength. Ben felt like he was going to throw up, like he was dead all over again and reliving the horrors.
Then, just like it became, it was gone. Klaus collapsing in on himself, stumbling back as the light faded. The siblings were all shell shocked, fear coating their eyes as they panting, their eyes darting around the room looking for the figures they could no longer gaze upon. But Klaus could still see it, and now Ben knew the shaking and swaying was from hundreds of fingers latching onto him, pushing and pulling and begging.
They had all just gotten an unpleasant look into the life of Klaus, and none of them looked happy by it.
Vanya was clutching onto Allison, looking terrified, and Allison was crying. Tears running down her cheeks. Luther looked like he was swallowing back bile, the images of hundreds of gruesome dead bodies still fresh in his mind. Diego had some of his knives out, less like he was going to attack and more that he needed the reminder that he was here, not in the horrible sea of dead bodies. Five was standing there, staring into the room with a blank look on his face and Ben briefly wondered how many of those people were his victims.
Klaus was standing in it all, and Ben knew the sea of monsters hadn’t disappeared to him, that they were still there, and Klaus was seeing and feeling and hearing it all. No wonder he always seemed to have trouble focusing, Ben knew it was bad, but as a part of the dead he could filter it in and out. Klaus couldn’t, especially not sober.
“Not so bad huh?” Klaus whispered, his voice breaking. The tears had dried on his cheeks and he stood there, his eyes dead. Ben had never seen him like this. “I’m sober, and the only thing I can see is the millions of corpses calling my name. You all still think I’m some worthless junkie, and maybe I want to be. I can’t die, so getting high is the next best option.”
“You can’t die? Why not?” Allison asked completely ignoring the fact that Klaus just said he wanted to die.
“I did die,” Klaus said casually, his gaze flickering to Luther. “But then god said that she didn’t like me that much and she sent me back so that’s that.”
“Wait, god?” Five asked at the same moment Diego said “She?”
“Yes,” Klaus rolled his eyes. “god is apparently a preteen little girl on a bike, bit of a bitch too if you ask me.”
“Oh god.” Luther groaned, putting his head in his hands. Klaus laughed.
“My reaction exactly.” He said, “Now, if you excuse me I’m going to be because I haven’t slept the past three days.”
And with that Klaus raised his ‘goodbye’ hand, didn’t have the tattoo but the intention was there, and walked out.
Ben hurried to catch up, ditching the rest of his siblings and falling into step beside Klaus but not talking.
“Are you going to lecture me now?” Klaus asked with a groan.
“Nah, never worked. So I’m going to sleep. Because I couldn’t sleep without your icicle ass next to me.” Ben said, flicking Klaus’s ear.
“Ouch,” Klaus said dramatically, stumbling as if he was hit by a shockwave. “God even alive you’re a pain in my ass.”
Ben grinned at him, before turning serious. “Sorry I let him take you there again.” He whispered, the guilt creeping up on him.
“Oh no,” Klaus said, turning to grab Ben’s shoulders. “That wasn’t your fault. Don’t get caught up in all this guilt shit, it’s tiring. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” Ben said softly, and Klaus smiled sadly.
“Not really, but I got another lifetime to make sure that I am don’t I bro?” He said, throwing an arm around Ben’s shoulders. “And despite sobriety being stupid and pointless it seems to make you assholes happy so I guess I’ll have to do it.” He groaned with fake disgust.
Ben just smiled, leaning into the solid, cool touch as they walked into Klaus’s room. Collapsing in the bed and cuddling up into a pile of limbs and complaints.
Nothing was okay. Not with Vanya. Not with Klaus. Not with any of them.
But Klaus was right, they had years to repair it. To try again, and maybe this time they wouldn’t mess up. Would do the right thing.
There was hope, and hope was enough for now.