Archive of Our Own

Previously-

“Ok,

We will do it.”

I say a little louder this time trying to portray bravery,

But with one look to my face Cas can easily see how vulnerable I feel.

How vulnerable I am being for him.

My always set jaw,

Looseness,

The hard gaze in my eyes,

soften,

The stiff military like posture I usually hold,

Fading into a relaxed slouched pose.

Every hard line in my face and body melts away to reveal what's really underneath,

What I hide beneath my tough facade,

Showing Castiel who I really am for the first time since our meeting.

A scared little boy.

“I'll be little for you.”

I say looking Cas clear in the eyes voice soft and free of any of the roughness that was there just a moment before.

Vulnerable.

Soft.

Scared

Open.

Relaxed.

Cas looks at me with shiny blue eyes,

His pale lips fading into a wide cheeky smile.

He looks like I just handed him the world.

And in a way,

I guess I did .

“No, Dean.”

Cas slowly leans closer to me,

Lifting his hand to now gently rest on my knee.

I watch his hand with steady eyes,

but I don't make a move to remove it.

“You'll be little for yourself.”

Now

Three days later

Dean's Pov-

It was quiet throughout Cas's house,

Almost eerily so.

The usual background chatter of Sam and Bobby.

Gone .

The creaking and cracking of Bobby's floor boards.

Gone .

The whistling sound that breezes through the cracks in the old Windows.

Also Gone .

And while yes,

The utter silence of Cas's house is almost maddedning,

There is a nice tranquil quality to it,

I might even say peaceful.

And,

I scuffed softly,

I don't even remember the last time I felt peace.

So it's weird to say that,

Sitting here on a plush Heather Gray couch,

Watching streams of gold sunlight pour in from large windows,

Surrounded by monochromatic furniture,

And complete and utter silence,

Is where I feel absolute peace for the first time in my life.

And while the aspect of feeling peace while in another person’s home is frightening to me,

The idea of being able to feel comfortable in another’s home;

Completely out of my element,

Brings an even bigger since of comfort to my soul that completely out ways the fright.

So it’s not about the plush couch,

Or sparkly countertops,

Or impeccable taste,

Or even the silence.

The only reason I feel absolute comfort and peace in this house,

Is because it belongs to Cas.

And because of that,

I know that there is no other place that I would rather be little for the first time.

Even if the floors are a little too squeaky clean for my liking.

“Dean?”

Cas calls out from another room.

“In here.”

I yell back,

My green eyes focused on a twinkling ray of light.

Cas's bare feet hit against the ground loudly as he walks,

The sound echoing across the walls like a rock skits over water.

His footsteps draw nearer until he is gently setting himself down beside me on the couch,

The distance between our bodies both comforting and suffocating.

“Dean.

It's never too late to back out.

If you don't feel comfortable with this or anything we do you can just always tell me and we will stop.

Immediately .”

Cas says with seriousness in his voice,

That held an underlying layer of concern.

I shake my head,

My now long blonde bangs swaying as I do.

My eyes cut away from the window and toward Cas.

“No.

We already decided that this would be best.

Plus I already gave myself a real nice pep talk in your hall mirror so.”

I trail off,

The stiff edge I usually hold in my voice gone.

Cas cracks a small smile and laughs lightly,

The sound soft and light,

Like the jingle of bells.

“Ok.

Well I'm glad you were able to give yourself a pep talk Dean.”

Cas says teasingly,

Face light; happy.

The air feels lighter now,

Friendlier even  

I'm relieved .

“Before we start anything Dean we have to discuss a few mandatory things.”

Cas now sounds apprehensive,

As if this would be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I just nod though,

And speak with a nonchalant tone.

“Yeah

Yeah

No I know.

I may not have finished school but That class was one I couldn't get out of.”

I then turn to Cas,

My arms slinging over the back of the Heather Gray couch in ease,

but my legs reminded pulled up close to me acting as a protective barrier.

“You need to know my-”

I pause,

My next words momentarily getting stuck in my throat.

Before I am able to push them out,

Along with my insecurities.

“My little age,

What I'm comfortable with

What I'm not

And what I prefer to call you.”

I adjust myself on the couch,

Cas remains still.

“I miss anything? “

Cas watches me with a steady gaze,

Body mirroring mine except for his

legs and feet which where on the black and white swirled rug,

instead of on the couch.

“I also need to know what you would prefer to be called.”

Cas pauses,

Head tilting slightly to the left.

“I also would like to know what you think you would want to do while in little space.”

I make a face of protest,

But before I could speak Cas does.

“You don't have to give me a whole list Dean,

How about just one thing you like or would want to do?”

It goes quiet,

Cas watches my face carefully.

“That sound fair?”

“Yes.”

I answer with only a small amount of apprehension.

“Good.

So Dean what is your little age?”

I look down at the ground,

And away from Cas piercing blue eyes.

So straight to business than .

Would it kill him to add a little foreplay?

I thinks to myself with a huff,

And a suppressed smile.

“I-”

My words get caught in my throat again,

Almost like they were latching onto my vocal chords; afraid to come out.

“I was placed in the-”

I pause.

“0-3 category.”.

My body freezes up scared that Cas will be disgusted of me now and decide that I was too much to handle.

That I was no longer worth the trouble.

But when I chance a glance up,

I don't see the scowl I expected instead I was graced with a beautiful 100 watt smile.

“Ok.

0-3 age range,

That's good we can work with that Dean

In fact I'm quite glad to hear that,

Of course no matter what age range you where I would still want to do this with you,

But now I know your clothes I made for you will fit.”

What?

What clothes?

Cas made me clothes?

Cas is not upset?

Cas still wants to do this?

Cas looks so happy-

Does Cas really Care?

Does-

Cas cuts off my mental babbling.

“Thank You for telling me Dean,

I'm very proud of you for trusting me enough to be vulnerable.

I know that it's not easy for you.”

And just like that my body unfreezes,

My muscles relax

And my insides alight with joy at the praise.

“ Now as for your boundaries Dean?.”

Cas continues talking like he has no idea how much better he just made me feel.

But I know he does.

“ I have decided that we would figure that out along the way,

I-I trust you Cas.

And I don't have any hard limits,

Except for diapers.”

The lines where rehearsed,

And spoken with stiff ease

But that didn't make them any less true.

I look back to Cas to see a mixture of wonder, pure joy and shock on his grinning face.

“Thank you Dean.”

Even if Cas didn't look so utterly happy from his huge check splitting grin,

To his slightly red face,

I would be able to tell he was truly grateful just by the look in his glowing squinted blue orbs.

Just that look alone was enough to cause me

To wiggle in my spot,

My mouth to purs,

and my face to redden.

“So no to diapers.

Are you open to bottles?

Pacifiers?

Pull ups?”

I didn't even blink before answering with

“Yes to the first two,

Maybe to the last.”

And holy hell just admitting that made me feel 10 times lighter .

“Good.”

Cas praises again voice soft.

I relax even further into the couch.

“And what would you prefer to call me Dean?”

Cas asks,

Knees shuffling a bit as he switches his seating position.

My checks blaze at the question.

“Cas.”

My voice squeaks out in a hurry.

Before I quickly clear my throat and say,

“Just Cas.”

“Just Cas.

Ok we can work with that.”

I roll my eyes

As Cas chuckles looking pleased at himself for the dad joke.

“What about you Dean?

What would you like to be called?”

My mind immediately goes back to when Sam was just a little snot nosed kid,

Running around the motel room looking for clues.

“Dee.”

“Dee it is.”

Cas says in his honey smooth voice that always makes my insides sing.

“One last thing sweet bee before we get started.”

I nod.

“What is one thing you like?”

Usually I would hesitate,

Or blow off the question with another question.

But instead I keep myself open and answer honestly.

“Cow boys.”

“Cowboys?

That's a very good choice,

You know I think you would make an excellent sheriff.”

I smile wide and shift again in my seat shyly before quickly saying.

“You said you made me clothes?

I wanna see em.

Pease.”

My voice is soft when I speak,

Dear I say borderline little.

“Of course Dee.

I actually brought everything I made for you down.

It's all in this bag here.”

I looked to where Cas was gesturing to see a big blue bag of items that were almost spilling out the top.

My eyes go wide at the sight.

Is that all for me?

“Don't be intimidated by the bag Dee.

Here,

How about I set it on the floor for you,

And you can pick a few things out that you want to try today.

Yeah?”

“Otay.”

I agree with a nod of my head,

Before slowly sitting myself down on the fluffy black and white rug on Cas's floor.

And holy crap is this thing soft.

I stare down at the rug in wonder,

My fingers grip at the soft tassels gently pulling at the strands.

Watching as they weave and fall between the cracks of my fingers.

I soft thud to the left of me,

Makes me look up and pause what I'm doing.

Cas is smiling gently at me,

Blue eyes looking from me to the rug,

Before his hand slips free off the blue handle that belongs to the bag he just set down.

“Here you go Dee.

Feel free to pick out whatever catches your eye.”

I nod,

My eyes moving from Cas to the bag

Before I quickly reach for the blue handle and pull it to me causing some of the stuff on top of the bag to fall out.

I should probably look at that stuff first.

I grab the first Item that fell onto the floor,

And bring it closer to my face to examine.

As I look over the fabric of the shirt in my hand I can’t help but notice Cas’s overly anxious eyes watching me.

The shirt I was holding had a small white collar at the top that

Blended into rows of alternating

Thick black and yellow stripes.

Almost like a bee.

 I thought to myself before my eyes traveled back up the shirt to see just that sitting on the right breast.

I drew the shirt closer just to make sure,

And yes,

It was in fact a little bee.

It almost looked hand stitched-

And where those?

Green eyes.

My breath hitched a little at the fact that this little bee,

Somehow managed to look like me.

But in bee form.

Wow.

I’m definitely wearing this.

I think as I carefully set the little bee themed polo shirt aside,

Cas’s eyes track my movements,

His stance visibly relaxing as he watches me pick up another hand sewn item.

I smiled softly,

My hands picking up a little pair of shorts,

Which held the exact same pattern as the shirt.

Thick black strips that alternated into yellow.

The shorts even had little yellow drawstrings.

A matching set it seems.

I also gently set that Item aside,

Before the light catches on something shiny,

Instantly drawing my attention.

It’s a pair of socks.

I think as I pick up the very fluffy black and yellow striped Item.

Also bee themed.

Hmmm.

I’m seeing a pattern here.

Didn't know Cas had such a thing for bees.

 I turn the socks around in my hand,

And again the light catches on what appears to be-

Oh my.

My fingers trail over the shiny little bee wings attached to the back of the socks.

They are little wings.

I couldn't help the big goofy grin that spread out on my face,

As I rubbed my hands over the wings only for them to make a little crinkle noise .

Oh my gosh and they crinkle too.

My eyes light up,

As I rub my fingers back and forth over the shiny material.

Oh,

I need to put these on.

NOW.

I quickly kick my feet from underneath me,

So that I can slip the little bee themed socks on.

I giggle when I feel the soft material against my toes.

I am definitely keeping these.

I think as I wiggle my toes in the socks,

Feeling the soft fabric move against my feet

And listing to the little crinkle nose the wings make.

Forever.

I turn back to the blue bag of items,

To see one last thing sitting on the floor in front of it.

Is that?

I quickly snatch the little bundle of fluff from the ground,

And when I do I see that it is-

Of course another bee themed item.

But this time it was a actual bee.

Well not a real bee,

But a large stuffed one,

Big enough for me to cradle to my chest

But small enough so that I can pack it around with ease.

I stare down at it with childish wonder in my eyes,

Clutching it to my chest.

This is now my new friend.

I look back up at Cas,

My body as well as my mind becoming more childlike by the second.

“Done.”

I say,

With my new bee clutched to my chest,

Almost like I was afraid it would just fly away.

Cas looks down at me with suspiciously watery eyes and a sappy looking smile before clearing his throat.

“Ok Dee,

How about we get you dressed into those clothes,

And get you a Paci?

I'm sure that once we do that you will be fully in little space.”

But Cas doesn't move,

Instead his watches my facial expression with the eyes of a hawk,

And body posture like a man prepared to run if I asked him too.

I knew he was waiting on me to say something,

To give him the go ahead,

So I spoke,

But I doubt what I say is what he wants to hear.

“Cas.”

I broke eye contact with him to look down at the stuffed bees wings.

Fingers lightly pulling at the shiny material,

The ones that matched the wings on my socks perfectly.

“I'm scared.”

I admit in a small voice.

“Oh honey “

Cas says before he quickly pushes himself off the couch,

Like he was waiting for me to say something like this,

And crouches down next to me on the floor.

His sweatpant covered knee brushing mine ever so slightly.

“I know your scared,

And it is makes complete sense that you are.

But I need you to know that I would NEVER do anything to hurt you Dean.”

He shuffles closer,

But still doesn't touch me.

“ Or push you’re boundaries.

I promise you that okay?”

I sniffle loudly,

Tears pulling in the corner of my eyes.

The damn traitors.

“I think that your very brave for trusting me with your little Dean.

And I can't express how grateful I am to be able to have this opportunity with you.”

It goes quiet in the room,

My breathes stops,

My heart thumps,

And my eyes well over with tears.

I can trust him.

My mind says,

We already trust him,

My heart argues.

But I say nothing as I gently pick up the pile of clothes,

And set them into Cas’s lap.

He won’t do me wrong.

I know that now.

Cas beams,

Smile bright but eyes brighter.

As he gently takes my arm,

Signaling me to lift both of them in the air.

I do so without hesitation.

Cas looks over my face,

Blue eyes searching it until he seems to find what he was looking for.

“I’m gonna dress you now Dean,

Is that ok?”

I nod.

Cas smiles,

Nose wrinkling.

“Use your words,

Bee.”

“Shuwe.”

I mumble,

Little hands gripping at the stuffed bees wings.

Pulling slightly,

As I feel my mind began to fog.

Cas doesn't speak instead,

He lightly pulls the bottom of my shirt up my body,

His large hand coming to take the Bee from my grasp.

I whine,

And go to take it back,

But before I could grab it he already got my T-shirt over my head,

And replaced the bee in my arms.

I smile,

Hugging the bee to my face.

I feel Cas move my arms around,

Slipping them through the holes of the other shirt.

Before quickly popping my head in,

And pulling down the shirt until it hit the top of my black sweatpants.

I moved the bee out from underneath my shirt,

Stuffing my face into the fabric,

As Cas removed my pants with ease,

Laying me back against the floor gently so that he can slid them up my hips.

I should feel mortified,

Disgusted,

Angry,

Upset.

But instead all I feel is,

Peace,

Calm

And comfort.

Nothing about the way Cas dressed me screamed weird,

Or wrong.

Cas pulled my hips up so that he can slid the shorts onto them fully.

If anything,

They way Cas dressed me,

Helped me stand up,

And held me against him

Felt right.

With my head resting on his broad shoulder,

My fingers gripping at his navy blue bathrobe.

And my body pushing closer to Cas's seeking a comfort,

That I was deprived off.

My little bee friend now squished between our chests,

But I didn't bother to move him to comforted by the words Cas was whispering to me.

“ Thank you Dean.”

Pale fingers ran through my hair.

“It's okay little bee.”

A gentle hand rubbed circles onto my back.

“Your safe.”

The hand leaves only to reappear in front of my face with a bee painted Pacifier.

I take it.

“I got you.”

Safe.

Cas.

Comfort.

Cas.

Security.

Cas.

My body sags against Cas’s frim chest,

Head lolling to the side,

Mouth nibbling on the pacifier inside it,

And brian going completely foggy,

Without restraint for the first in my life.

  I was little.

  I heard Cas coo softly in my ear,

Large hands shuffling my limp body closer,

Before pressing a gentle kiss onto the crown of my head.

“Such a good boy Dee.”

And I wasn’t scared.