Work Text:
Previously-
“Sam.
I need you to start packin Dean an overnight bag.”
Bobby said gaze softening slightly as he took in my contorted
And swollen face.
“Cas.”
Bobby shifted his gaze to the trench coat clad male
.
“Get Dean down to your car.
I think it would be best if he stayed there for a while.”
I looked at Bobby like he had suddenly grown three heads.
Is he crazy?
I mean I trust Cas to an extent
But none of us know him well enough to just let Dean stay there unsupervised.
Bobby rolled his eyes at me,
“Just until he can figure himself out
And accept who he really is Sam.
It ain't permanent.
Plus I think it be best if he was with
Someone equipped to handle this sort of thing.”
Bobby then shifts his gaze toward Cas.
A hopeful look clear in his dusty eyes.
Castiel Nods,
Face softening as well
“Of course Mr. Singer.
I will look out for Dean.”
Bobby let out a relieved sigh,
As my hands twitched nervously.
“Well!
Get to it then.”
Now
One day later
Dean’s pov-
I groaned,
Eyelashes fluttering as I tried to will myself to sit up.
But my body felt like lead,
And my head felt like it was about to implode upon itself.
DEAN!
A picture of a bloody and bruised Sam appeared in my mind,
Causing me to ignore the pain radiating throughout my body and immediately sit straight up.
“SAM!?”
I forced my heavy eyelids open,
And stiff body forward
As I looked around the room I was in.
This isn’t my room.
I thought as my hazey orbs landed on a pile of neatly stacked clothes on an equally organized white bookshelf,
That was right across from the bed I was on.
There was a rug underneath the white bookshelf that was fluffy and black,
And it flowed from the bookshelf to the bed.
And this isn't Bobby’s.
I scanned the room,
But found that it was bare apart from the bed,
The bookshelf,
A small black desk and chair set,
And a small white nightstand next to the bed.
Where the hell am I?
What happened?
Where is Sam?
Is he okay?
I rolled my aching muscles,
Before swinging my legs over the edge of the large bed.
Watching my socked feet dangle from the side,
Swaying slightly at the sudden use.
I was about to step foot onto the black rug,
When someone quickly opened the door,
Causing me to freeze,
And look up with caution present in my still tired green eyes.
“Cas?”
I asked shock and confusion dripping from my words.
What the hell is he doing here?
Is this his house?
Cas stood with his hands clenched in front of him,
Causing the dark blue bathrobe he was wearing to cascade down his arms like a waterfall made of fabric.
He shot me a small nervous smile.
“Good afternoon Dean.”
My eyebrows furrowed and my lips pursed,
While my eyes looked toward the large window that was in fact pouring direct sunlight into the room.
I looked back at Cas now more confused than before,
“Afternoon?
What what time is it?
Why am I here?
Is Sam ok?
Did they ever catch the asshole who did that to him cause I swear I will-”
The more I spoke the more Upset I was becoming,
My body began to pull itself upward on its own accord,
Causing my feet touch the pillowy rug below,
But before I could fully pull myself to a stand Cas spoke.
“Dean.”
His assertive tone cut my rant of short,
Causing my mouth to shut tight,
And body to still.
“Sit please.
And I will explain everything.”
Even though his tone was soft,
It still held a hard undertone to it leaving no room for argument.
So I slowly pulled myself back down onto the plush but firm mattress.
My hands gripping onto the dark sheets,
The sweat collecting on my palms causing the sheets to stick to them.
Now fully seated,
I watched Cas pull the plastic black chair across the small room and place it in front of the bed,
Only a foot away from me,
Before calmly sitting down and starting to talk.
“It is four in the afternoon,
Friday February 15th.
You have only been here one day.
Sam is-”
He paused,
Head turning slightly
Blue Eyes glancing upward,
Almost as if he was searching for the right words.
“Sam is okay.”
He finally decided on,
Sending me a small smile that I am sure was meant to be reassuring.
But it wasn't.
If anything it made my anxiety grow.
Can sighed lightly,
Sensing that he was only making me feel worse.
“What do you remember from yesterday Dean?”
He asked eyes analyzing,
And pale hands clenching in his lap.
I shift slightly on the bed,
Feeling it move underneath my weight.
My eyes wandered to the ceiling as I tried to dust my cloudy memories off.
“Um.
I was sleeping.”
I squint through the haze,
“Than Sam was yelling at me
I-
I couldn't make out was he was saying
But then I apologized for something?
And I felt this-”
I clenched my fist over my heart,
Nails dragging at the shirt below.
“Awful pain like I was being split In half.”
I scuffed a laugh,
Thinking that my choice of words was a little too dramatic,
But when I look at Cas and see that he wasn't laughing,
Instead face a mask of concern,
I cleared my throat and looked down at my lap.
“Than I remember seeing Sam
Screaming and asking someone to stop
His face was-”
I gestured toward my face,
“Was bloody and-”
I stopped talking,
Suddenly as another memory,
A more prominent one poked through the fog.
I shifted on the bed before speaking in a rush.
“Wait
Wait
Wait.
I was looking down at Sam in the memory,
I think he was below me and-”
My frantic head movements caused a stray piece of hair to fall into my eyes.
I go to wipe the hair back away from my face,
When I see angry red and blue tinged bruises scattered across my knuckles,
Accompanied by deep scrapes and gash like lines.
I stopped breathing.
“Cas?”
I ask voice soft, breathy and broken.
“Did I?”
My eyes stared down at the angry splotches and lines on my hands with unease,
Before looking back up at Cas with tears pulling in my corners.
“Did I hurt Sammy?”
I whisper my voice breaking off at the thought of doing such a thing.
“Dean.”
Cas starts slowly face cautious
And hands up in front of him.
Like he was trying to calm a scared animal.
“Yes or no,
Cas!”
I yell,
My mind swirling with awful thoughts.
Cas’s blue eyes widen,
Eyebrows raising to his hairline.
Before he slowly says,
“Yes.”
I let out a harsh breath,
Running my bruised and stinging hands down my face roughly.
“Oh my God,
Oh my God.”
I mumble into my hands,
My small frame shaking.
I can't believe I did that,
Poor sam.
Not sam.
Not my baby brother,
Not my poor Sammy.
I'm awful.
I'm such a horrible brother.
I was supposed to protect Sammy not-
“Dean,
Dean,
Hey.”
Cas’s voice cuts through my self hatred like a hot knife,
His body shifting closer until he is hovering right outside my space,
Never penetrating it but close enough to bring some reassurance.
“You don't remember what you did Dean,
Plus you where not in your right mind.
Sam understands and he-”
The bubble of reassurance popped.
I cut him off by shouting,
“Sam doesn't understand Cas!
Hell,
He is probably at home right now
Cursing my name and-”
“Dean.”
Cas says voice stern.
But I continue talking like I heard him never speak.
“He hates me I know he does he-”
“Dean!”
Cas says loudly voice spewing out Dom authority.
My mouth slams shut immediately,
Head bowing in submission.
My breathing coming out rapid.
I want to be mad at him but my instincts won't let me.
Cas breaths out a sigh,
Body inching back slightly with something similar to remorse.
Before he speaks again,
Voice much softer this time and lacking authority.
“You where have having a limbotic episode
Dean.”
My breath hitches at the mention of my limbo,
Knees shuffling at the thought of Cas knowing,
Eyes glancing up quickly before falling back down at the realization that I could no longer hide it.
“Meaning?”
I say softly trying to sound calm and unaffected
But failing.
I could feel Cas's eyes search my sullen face before speaking.
“You were trying to ki-”
Cas's voice breaks,
And my heart stutters in my chest at the sound.
He clears his throat before continuing
“You were trying to kill your little.”
I freeze.
Hands clenching together,
Stomach turning and head buzzing
“Did I?”
My voice was soft sounding,
But I couldn't hide the edge of hope it held.
I feel Cas frown at me,
No doubt his light blue eyes shining with sorrow.
“No.”
I sigh in relief,
But my eyes close to hold back angry tears.
The room falls silent before Cas speaks again.
“Dean.
I think it would be best for your overall health if you just let yourself be little.
Even if it was just for a few hours a week.
It-”
I sit up immediately back going ramrod straight.
Green eyes now cold and glaring at Cas causing him to falter.
“I am NOT going to be little.”
I growl out,
Causing Cas’s eyes to widen to an almost amusing size.
“Dean,
I really think it would be in your best interest if-”
I cut him off again.
“No.
No,
Cas you don't have ANY Damn say
In what would be good for me,
Or wouldn't be!
You barely know me
And yet for some reason you think you have some kind of claim
On me!”
I hiss out pointer finger digging into my own chest,
“That makes you able to decide shit for me,
But guess what Cas!
YOU DON’T !!!”
Cas goes quiet,
Eyes watering and mouth tight.
“Dean.
Please,
Just hear me out.”
His voice was so quiet I almost couldn't hear him.
Almost.
“No.
Cas,
Your not my boss
Your not my fucking father,
And you're definitely not my fucking friend.”
“Dean.”
Cas says voice wavering.
“ No.
Castiel.”
I say his name with sass,
Shaking my head side to side
“You know what happened to me the last time someone thought they knew what was best for my well being?
For my health?”
I say voice stern,
And face hard.
Cas remains silent.
“I was dragged across the fucking country
Young, scared and confused.
I was forced to steal
And hunt for my own fucking dinner
And-
And fight my baby brother.”
One lone tear falls from my eye.
“I was told that men down cry,
And that I had to grew up and take care of Sammy.
I was only four years old!
And guess what happened if I didn't Cas?
If I let one Damn tear slip?”
I yelled at the top of my lungs,
Battered hands hastingly wiping at the tears that fell from my eyes.
I didn’t give Cas time to reply before I started talking again.
“I got my ass beat.
And thrown into the motel closet overnight,
No food,
No pillow,
No light,
I just had to stay in there all night
until John Winchester decided he wanted to let me out.
Which was always right before Sammy ate breakfast.”
At the end of my rant I was left panting,
Eyes downcast,
Body shaking and trembling,
My hands wiping away warm tears.
“If all you care about is my well being then you can screw right off.”
I didn’t have to look up to know that all of Cas’s emotions where on his face right now.
His eyes betraying most of them,
As his mouth dipped into a wavering frown.
“ Dean.”
Cas started softly.
“I care about you deeply.”
I shoot a quick glance up at Cas,
Before my eyes fall back down toward my sweatpant covered legs.
“And I want NOTHING,
But happiness and the whole world for you Dean.”
My heart pounds in my chest,
Butterflies scattering around in my stomach causing a pleasant warmth to spread out into my body.
But I still refuse to meet his gaze.
“How?
You don't even know me Cas.”
I say voice soft.
Cas replies immediately,
Placing his hand gently next to my knee on the bed.
Close enough to bring me comfort,
But far enough to still give me space.
“No you're right.
I don't know you Dean.
But that doesn't mean that your not good enough to get to know.”
I go quiet,
Mind buzzing with mixed feelings and emotions.
My tears finally drying and my breathing slowing down to a more normal pace.
“So you really care about me?”
I ask voice soft with a vulnerable edge to it.
My green eyes peeking up at him from underneath wet lashes.
Again he doesn't hesitate.
“Of course dean.
And I will always care about you,
No matter what.”
There it is,
He's laying his heart out for me,
Wearing it on his sleeve for me to either
Take
Or
Break.
It once again falls silent in the small monochrome room.
Before I take a deep breath and say the one thing I swore to myself I would never say.
But Cas is different,
And he won't hurt me like John did.
I hope.
“Ok.”
I glance up at Cas to see he looks extremely surprised,
But also extremely relieved.
“Ok,
We will do it.”
I say a little louder this time trying to portray bravery,
But with one look to my face Cas can easily see how vulnerable I feel.
How vulnerable I am being for him.
My always set jaw,
Looseness,
The hard gaze in my eyes,
soften,
The stiff military like posture I usually hold,
Fading into a relaxed slouched pose.
Every hard line in my face and body melts away to reveal what's really underneath,
What I hide beneath my tough facade,
Showing Castiel who I really am for the first time since our meeting.
A scared little boy.
“I'll be little for you.”
I say looking Cas clear in the eyes voice soft and free of any of the roughness that was there just a moment before.
Vulnerable.
Soft.
Scared
Open.
Relaxed.
Cas looks at me with shiny blue eyes,
His pale lips fading into a wide cheeky smile.
He looks like I just handed him the world.
And in a way,
I guess I did .
“No, Dean.”
Cas slowly leans closer to me,
Lifting his hand to now gently rest on my knee.
I watch his hand with steady eyes,
but I don't make a move to remove it.
“You'll be little for yourself.”