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The heavy feeling at the pit of your stomach.
Clouding in your brain, dissonance.
Who are you?
Natsuki lost her focus.
She loved this class, why couldn’t she focus?
The pit grew.
It had been a good day. She had been to therapy the previous week and talked to Yuri about it. She had been feeling good.
She had finished her test earlier today, and she was no longer stressed about it. She had finally relaxed after a stressful week.
‘What the fuck is wrong with me?’ She felt like she couldn’t sit still now either. It was like her whole body had betrayed her. Why was this happening now?
The clouds were going as well.
She knew the feeling. It had been common for her when she was first exploring herself.
Her body was not her own. She couldn’t tell who’s it was, but it wasn’t hers.
She didn’t understand. She didn’t want to even think about it. She slowed her breathing to try and calm down.
She wanted to talk to someone, but she didn’t know what it was that would help her now.
She didn’t know who she was.
She was a girl.
Or was she a freak?
She shook her head. She was not a freak and people loved her.
But how could she be sure?
She was finally out of her father’s house and trying to live like a normal girl.
Did she deserve that?
The bell rang to break her out of her internal monologue. She quickly packed up her things and ran out of the class as fast as she could. The nearest bathroom was right next to her next class. The mirror she stared at was reflecting someone she knew. She didn’t know if it was her or an image that was being twisted by her imagination. She continued to stare, and her visage seemed too small.
She couldn’t look away. Who was staring at her from the mirror?
Once again, she was interrupted. Someone entered the bathroom. She quickly washed her face, hiding from any eyes that might pry. She didn’t need anything added on to her mind.
She made it through her next class, and it was finally the end of the day.
The pit, the clouds were ever present.
She still didn’t know who she was.
Once she was in her safe haven, the closet, she pulled out the poem she had written for the day. She put that away.
She started on a new poem
Reflection
They look in the mirror to check their hair
We look in the mirror to cry about our hair
They look in the mirror to see themselves
We look in the mirror to search for ourselves
They look in the mirror to adjust their clothes
We look in the mirror to make sure the clothes belong
They look in the mirror to admire their face
We look in the mirror to feel our face out
They look in the mirror, and it reflects back
We look in the mirror, it shatters
She sighed. She could hear Yuri making her way in.
“Hello Cupcake, how was the exam?” Natsuki didn’t look up. She couldn’t look into those perceptive purple eyes.
“It was good. I think I aced it.” She sounded too cheerful. Fuck. “As expected of me though!”
“Wonderous. Would you care for some tea?” She stepped inside to grab her set. Maybe she hadn’t noticed.
“Sure, sweetie, some tea sounds nice,” She really hoped Yuri hadn’t noticed.
“It may calm your nerves. And maybe you’ll feel more comfortable to share after that.”
‘Fuck, she noticed.’ Natsuki finally looked up at the gentle eyes staring back. “Maybe.”
Yuri nodded and made her way out of the clubroom to get the water for her tea.
She was left with her thoughts again. She decided it was time to pull out some manga and read. She went for her favourite volume of Parfait Girls. Before she could crack the book open, the door opened again.
“I’m here!” Sayori looked around and guessed that Natsuki would be in the closet. Only literally though. “How was your test and the rest of your day?”
“Hey Sayori. It was okay. My day was also okay. I’m tired though, so maybe we can talk later?”
Sayori stared at her for a second. She wasn’t sure if she should try to figure out what was wrong or if leaving Natsuki alone like she had asked for was really for the best. Hesitation was not new to her. She decided that she would wait and look for more hints. “Okay, great! I’m sure your test was great, and you did amazing!”
Natsuki knew that wasn’t going to be the end of it. Somehow, everyone knew when she was feeling down. She waited for the next person that would come through the door.
It was MC. When he made it in, he first went in for a peck with Sayori.
He had noticed Natsuki, but Sayori held him back. They talked a little bit and MC just sighed and sat down. Natsuki saw this from the corner of her eye and felt gratitude. ‘At least she knows I didn’t want to be bothered.’
Once again, Natsuki was caught by her thoughts.
It had been an okay day. She wasn’t lying. She wasn’t ready to talk about it either.
Dysphoria sucked, but she hated talking about it. She hated talking about anything that made her feel different than the other girls in the club. She didn’t like it when the fact that she was trans got brought up either. It made her defensive.
Still, Yuri and Sayori were just trying to help. ‘But why can they see how I feel so well?’ Natsuki had experienced how much the two cared for her, and they were of great help many times. Yet, somehow, she just wanted to be left alone today.
If only they would just leave her alone.
Finally, Monika arrived at the club.
“Hello everyone, sorry for being late again. My music teacher was extra strict today,” She strode over to where Sayori was. “We’ll get started once Yuri has made her way back.”
Typical Monika. She was always busy. From the closet, she knew Monika’s routine once she got to the club. First, she would kiss Sayori. Then, she would make her way to MC and do the same. And back to Sayori, she would make their second kiss extra long just to rub it into MC’s face that she was better at kissing. Then she would go to the front of the class and start sorting through the day’s work until it was time to get started with club activities.
Typical Monika.
Untypical, when she saw that Monika was at the foot of her haven.
“How’s our resident closet dweller today?” Monika sure had a way with her words.
“I’m fine.” Monika frowned.
“Hmmm… Alright. I won’t force you to talk, but people are worried about you. We would like to help you if you’re willing to let us. Please consider it. I’ll be in my usual place,” Natsuki sighed.
‘Great, now I’ve upset all of my friends too.’ There wasn’t anything she could do about her feelings, so why were they asking about it so much?
“I’ve returned,” Yuri put her tea set down and poured herself and Natsuki a glass. “Please feel free to grab some yourself if you’d like.”
She handed Natsuki her cup and saucer and some light snacks as well. They both got comfortable. Natsuki avoided her gaze again. She didn’t want to have to face her girlfriend and explain.
“Natsuki…” Yuri’s gaze was fixed on her, waiting for the smaller girl to look up. “You don’t have to share if you don’t want to.”
Natsuki searched Yuri’s eyes and confirmed that was the truth. ‘But then why do I still feel like I owe something?’
Nevertheless, Natsuki nodded. Yuri also nodded and made her way out of the closet. “Do you want to share poems now?”
Once again, Natsuki nodded.
“Monika, we’re ready to go if all of you are.”
“Great, let’s get started everyone!”
Natsuki was out for the first round of sharing.
In the second round, Natsuki shared her poem with MC.
Once they had read each other’s poems, he was the first to speak.
“I can’t say I have the same experiences as the ones you wrote about, but I think it’s conveyed very well. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, geez MC. You won’t catch me sulking!”
“Okay Nat, hope it clears up and I’m free to talk if you want me.”
Third round. Sayori.
“…Um, so do you want to go to Ria’s Bakery after?”
“No, Sayori, not today.”
Fourth round. Monika.
“I was going to the store to get a new dress. Would you like to join?”
“I’m tired from today. Maybe next time?”
Final round. Yuri.
“As always, the poem is helping express a feeling that might be specific to you, but clearly helps other imagine the context. Expression of yourself is something many struggle with, but it co-”
“Yes, Yuri, I get it. I know I need to talk about i-”
“No, Natsuki, let me finish. It comes out with support from the people around you. Still, it is difficult and requires time, and those around you will also understand. It’s okay to take your time.”
Natsuki held back tears. Somehow it was all becoming too much. She nodded.
“Okay everyone, that was a great meeting. I hope you all had fun or tried to.” She offered a sympathetic smile towards Natsuki. “I’ll see you and Yuri later. Get home safely.”
Natsuki threw her stuff off so fast that Yuri hadn’t even made it in the door before pink hair was trailing up the stairs. She got to her room and immediately locked her door. She didn’t generally use her room much, opting to cuddle in Yuri’s bed most nights. That made it barren due to migrating her stuff over to Yuri’s room out of convenience. She laid against her door and just felt the rush of emotions sweep her up.
It was a tough day.
She felt like shit.
It was like her stomach was being pushed down by an invisible force. Why was her own body making her feel like she didn’t belong in it? The heat would not leave her head.
A knock at the door signified that she would have to leave that for later.
“Please leave me alone for now.”
“Cupcake, I’m not leaving until you open the door,” Natsuki could hear Yuri rustling outside the door as she sat down. She sighed.
“Okay, come in…” She went to her bed and waited for Yuri to enter. Yuri sat on the bed with her. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”
“You’re my girlfriend and I want to help. Even if I don’t know the exact way to lift your spirits, I can still be of assistance by being here. Love, that poem showed me what was wrong, but I can’t help if you won’t express more,” Yuri came closer and hugged the other girl around the neck, pink eyes once again avoiding purple ones just above.
“I don’t want to talk about it. You know, sometimes it’s like. Why am I the only one that has to feel this way? No one else ever has to question who they are!? I’m tired of feeling like this. Therapy was great, but now I’m back here again, like it didn’t even matter,” Yuri had started stroking her hair. “Everyone tried to help, and here I am, still pitiful and wondering if I am right.”
“You are,” Yuri whispered.
“And my dad? Why didn’t he ever try to support me? Yeah, he’s in therapy now too, but he still calls me his boy every time we talk. Some people at school still look at me weird. What did I ever do but be myself? Am I so ugly representing myself this way?” The tears had began forming again.
“You’re the most beautiful girl,” Yuri’s voice at a steady volume, calming.
“I can’t even look in the mirror and calm down. Why? Why me?” Yuri pulled the girl closer so the pink hair was now resting on her shoulder as tears started to pool.
“You’re amazing. You’re the most amazing girl I know.”
After another 15 minutes, Natsuki’s tears were nearly out.
“Hey, thank you for listening… sweetie,” Natsuki’s comfort with pet names had increased, but she was still shy after bawling her eyes out.
“Do you want to put on some of my clothes?” Yuri’s voice remained soothing. She felt Natsuki nod against her. As she tried to get up and get those items, Natsuki still clung to her. She giggled. “Alright, when you’re ready, I’ll go.”
She kissed the smaller girl on the forehead.
Natsuki felt her stomach flutter, no longer a pit.
She felt the clouds begin to clear up. They weren’t gone, but that was okay.
She knew who she was.
And the person that she was loved the girl she was holding on to.