Chapter Text
“Wait, you’re fifty?!” Shang Qinghua glances at the ID card his new husband handed to the registration clerk.
“Boris is.” New husband grunts. “I bought Boris’ birth certificate.”
Oh wow. Shady details so early in the marriage. His autobiography will sell like hot cheeto.
“Coolio.” Shang Qinghua fiddles with his wedding ring, engraved with ‘Esmeralda my 4ever Pussy’. Guess he’s Esmeralda now. “And how old are you really? Where’s Boris now?”
Hot husband levels him with a sharp glare. The oppressive silence almost makes Shang Qinghua pees in his rented tux. “Boris will never come between us.”
Shang Qinghua gulps audibly. Behind them, Father Birthwald gulps the entire chalice before he burps. He smells like cheap Merlot.
(Birthwald, he answered, is apparently a very legit saintly names. The pastor picked that courtesy name after he broke into the vicar’s wine cellar before his ordination ceremony. No wonder he’s now stationed at this shady chapel with neon titty sign that flickers beneath the usual cross near Cesar Palace’s parking lot.)
“I pronounce you husband...” Father Birthwald snorts like an asthmatic coke granny. “And also husband. I’m the fucking pope here and I declare it fucking legal.”
The merlot is definitely spiked with something else. Neither of them dare to protests.
Anyway, he’s a married man now. If life is a reality show, this should be his season finale.
…….
Speaking of wedding, this is definitely not what he had in mind when he planned the trip to Vegas. This must be cucumber bro’s curse. Yep. What’s the saying again? Real bros died together and get dicked together? Something something?
Cucumber bro had been a decent bro, although he’s stingy, shitty, and had less brain to mouth filter after the eighth shots and started to badmouth his self-insert commision at wattpad. It’s totally not his fault that people have repressed fantasies about banging the face on their titty coaster. Someone has to milk that opportunity and who is he to deny people of their secret kink and get some extra allowances from that?
Anyway, he’d been drinking too many blowjob shots as well and it’s totally not his fault that cucumber bro caught the eye of some trust fund bastard. The guy was flustered when Shang Qinghua negotiated the adoption term on the bar’s napkin and squeezed some sweet grand from the guy before handing the smashed cucumber bro to the dazed, ridiculously good looking, and dubious as fuck guy who proclaimed himself as cucumber bro’s missing soulmate.
So that he cannot be traced back to this illegal purchase, Shang Qinghua made use of the knowledge he had from watching procedural drama and decides to dump cucumber bro’s GPS fitted phone to some inconspicuous dumpster, like… that one near five guys joint!
Yeah. The same dumpster where an ultra duper giga handsome shady guy had just threw away a dead (?) body after looting the bald, bouncer-looking corpse(?).
Shang Qinghua looks at the guy.
The guy looks at the rings he wrenched out from the dead(?) bouncer’s body.
Shang Qinghua’s dick points at the reverse direction where he’s supposed to be running towards.
The next thing he knew he’s riding a yellow cadillac wearing a see through tuxedo pants and skips out the town as a married man.
.....
the see through pants