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Hera knew this day would come. It was that kind of thing that she couldn’t avoid in her life, even if she tried. Selfishly, deep in her heart, she hoped it would be long before she would have to deal with it. But time flew by relentlessly, almost cruelly, and there was not much she could do about it.
Jacen seemed to be calm and cool on the outside, but she knew him. He was nervous, even if he wouldn’t really admit that to anyone. That’s why she found herself in front of the door to his room, despite her aching heart.
She knocked gently.
“You can come in Mom, it’s not locked,” she heard the muffled voice of her son after a moment. She stepped into his room.
Sometimes she was still taken aback when she looked at it, so different from the times when Kanan was living there (not that he didn’t spend a lot of his free time in her quarters anyway). There were colorful, vibrant paintings on the walls, some saved even from Jacen’s childhood, that Sabine made for him. The whole upper bunk was made into the lockers, in the kind of a closet, where Jacen kept all of his things. From the hooks of the formerly-upper-bunk-now-closet frame were hanging various flight suits that Jacen had. Goggles and gloves were spread out on his bed. As in for Jacen himself, he took a step back to present himself before her, hands on his hips, cocky smile on his face.
“What do you think?” he asked, spinning around. He was clearly putting on a show for her. Hera smirked, crossing her arms on her chest.
“Perfect if you want to impress somebody.” she said, teasingly. Jacen threw her a mocking look.
“I’m serious, Mom.”
“So am I. You look beautiful, love, but I’m afraid it’s not very comfortable. And you would be getting a lot of attention.” Jacen rolled his eyes, but he knew his mom was right.
But suddenly he felt very self-conscious. And not only about his appearance. It was easier to pretend for a moment that it was only about that, though. He knew that his mom would see right through him in the end.
“Will you help me ?” he asked, looking away from her at the end of the sentence. It was hard to look at her, when he knew he caused her pain, if only by something natural, and unavoidable. But once again, his mother proved to be the strongest person he had ever known.
She went to him, taking his chin delicately into her hand and lifting it so he would look up at her.
“Of course I will,” she said, her hand spreading out to fondly caress his cheek. Jacen couldn’t help but smile as he took her hand in his and brought it to his mouth to place a loving kiss on her palm. He didn’t need to say anything. Hera would get it.
And she did. To not let herself have an emotional breakdown, she filled her mind with thoughts of the task ahead of her. She squeezed Jacen’s hand, before she let it go.
“Let’s see,” she said, ignoring how hoarse her voice sound. She cleared her throat.
Hera looked through his things, considering the options they had.
“What about this one?” she asked, showing Jacen the one she had chosen. “It’s practical, got lots of pockets, is big enough to be comfortable, but not too loose, keeping everything on it in place. And the color suits you,” she continued. Jacen took a step closer to her, and examined the material in his hand.
“Waterproof, and has an additional layer sewed in for the cold weather. It can work!” he said, a spark of excitement in his eyes, and a smile on his lips.
“I’ll change into this, and call you,” he said, already rushing towards the doors. Before he could reach them though, he hurriedly came back to give Hera a quick peck on the cheek.
“Thank you Mom,” he said, and off he was. This gave Hera a few minutes for a quiet contemplation in her mind. All those years and moments she had spent with Jacen, and there still was so much more she wanted to do. There were still places, and adventures on which they were supposed to go together. There was no guarantee that they wouldn’t, but there also was no guarantee that they will.
She had her work to distract her from all of that of course. The New Republic needed her now more than they ever did. And still, she hoped for another solution, one where he would stay with her, even if she knew that it was good and natural that he was leaving. That’s what kids do when they grow up.
An awareness of it being an universal experience didn’t make it easier for her though, maybe because she had no one to share it with. There was only an echo of an old, comforting conversation in her head.
"That's the matter, right? They don't need us anymore," she said, her voice hoarse. Kanan looked at her, surprised. They didn't talk much about Sabine leaving. He tried to, but she shut him down. Now, he knew why.
"Hera," he started, as he moved closer. Automatically, she also scooped closer, drawn to the warm comfort of his body, waiting for him to continue. "It's natural. In this age--"
"I know it's natural, Kanan," she snapped, and turned to him harshly, her lekku hitting her shoulder. He was a bit surprised by the roughness in her voice, but his features softened at hearing the pain as well. He waited, so she could let it all out. "It doesn't mean I have to like it, you know? Sabine and Ezra, and Zeb too, they are … I feel like they're my own. And it hurts to see them fleeting home. I'm proud of them. But at the same time--"
"Defeated? Unnecessary? Scared?" he asked when she didn't end the sentence, more rhetorically. She looked at him, as understanding painted on her face.
"You feel it too, huh?" she asked quietly.
"Of course I do. I feel the same, I feel like they are my kids," he assured her. Hera laid her hand on their joined ones, and squeezed it. He reciprocated with the same.
"And still, does it matter? Even if we feel like they're ours, do they feel the same? Does anything we ever did for them matter?" she asked. He thought about it before answering.
"I think those are questions every parent asks themselves. So if we do, I think it does." She smiled.
"That's twisted logic, but I can get behind it," she answered. He smiled in return. "And besides," she continued, gulping down the tears. "We had to have some effect on them. Look, how much they've changed. How good they are. I'm so proud of them."
"Of course, Hera. They learned from us. They care." He stopped, lost in his thoughts, before speaking up again. "And when it comes to Sabine … Hera, she stayed there because she learned from you that you have to confront your past. We all did, in fact. But she said she's gonna miss us. She cares. And she sees us as her family," he assured her. Hera could only nod, trying to stop tears from falling.
And then, she moved, resting her head on Kanan's shoulder. She shut her eyes, but really wanting to shut out everything. Kanan closed his arm around her, with his other hand still entangled with hers.
If only Kanan was there to see how their son grew up.
The memory of that conversation gave her a comfort she needed, though. Kanan would do the same for her right now as well.
“Mom!” she heard his call through the ship. She smiled to herself. Even though Jacen wasn’t a little kid anymore, he still needed her.
She rushed to the ‘fresher, stopping before its door.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
“That’s why I called you!” she heard a rough invitation. She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep a smile from appearing on her lips as well. He was always right on point, cut to the crux, zero bantha shit kind of boy. She believed he had that one after her.
Hera came in, immediately recognizing the problem.
“Could you help me zip it?” said Jacen, standing in front of the mirror, with his hands at the back, trying to reach as far as he could. Hera came up to him, a soft smile not leaving her lips.
Without any words needed, she helped him to zip the whole thing. She was glad to see that he was wearing a cotton, long-sleeved shirt underneath, the same way she always did.
“Done,” she said but left her hands on his arms. Looking into the mirror, she could barely see herself, being half-behind him. Jacen grew to be just as tall as Kanan was.
Jacen turned to her with a smile on his face.
“I’m not going to the army, Mom. I’ll come back.” he said. Hera smiled faintly, reaching out with her hand to run it through his hair. She wondered how it seemed to always be so soft. Jacen closed his eyes, enjoying her touch. It brought him back to the times of his childhood, when everything seemed to be possible, because his mom could do wonders.
“Well, technically, you already are in the army,” she responded, after a moment. Jacen chuckled. His face was serious after a moment, softening.
“Mom?” he asked, and Hera could recognize that his fears had risen the surface now.
“Yes, little love?” Hera spoke, despite her difficulties with it, emotion and sentiment rising in her heart, making its way to her voice.
“Am I letting you down?” he asked with a vulnerability in his posture, known only to her. Hera looked at him, frankly surprised. From where did he get an idea like that?
“No, honey, of course you don’t,” she said, putting her hand on his cheek in a caring gesture. “Why would you ever think that?” she asked, letting her hand to rest on his arm.
“It’s just that … You did so much. You ran a Rebellion, raised me, kept on being the best pilot, and you gave me a home and a family even though--” he stopped for a moment, taking a breath, considering what he wanted to say. “Wouldn’t you prefer me to go into dad’s steps, being a Jedi?” he asked, looking up at her, a sparkling honesty in his eyes. Hera shook her head.
“Jacen, nothing you could ever chose to do would let me down. I’m proud that you want to follow the same path as I did. I would be proud if you decided to be a Jedi, or a healer, or a technician, or a gardener! It doesn’t matter to me. Whatever gives you happiness, is what gives me happiness too.” she said. Hera could see Jacen’s eyes becoming glassy, as she felt her own filling with tears that she didn’t want to let fall. Jacen hid his own well too, behind a smile.
Hera continued, wanting to explain everything to him, even when she felt like she couldn’t do it.
“And I did all of that, not because I wanted you to be like Kanan, and follow into his steps. I wouldn’t mind it if that would be who you chose to be, but it’s not like that. I didn’t have you for that. I decided to have you, because I loved your father, and I’ve already loved you. As I still do. It wasn’t easy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just look at what we have,” she confessed. Jacen smiled genuinely through his tears as he looked at her.
“Will you drop me off at the meeting point?” he asked. It seemed like a totally innocent request, but it carried a deep meaning for both of them. One last quick ride together, before a new chapter in their lives was about to begin.
Hera smiled through her tears.
“Yes. Of course,” she said, her voice almost breaking. She didn’t know who reached out for whom first, but they were in each other’s arms before she could blink away her tears. And maybe that was part of the point.
She squeezed Jacen, keeping him close to her. The dearest person in her life. But she had to let him be on his own.
You can’t stop a running river. Atoms from moving. A star from shining.
“I’ll miss you,” whispered Jacen.
“I will miss you too, love,” she said, parting from him a little, so she could get a good look at his face.
“Just don’t forget to visit from time to time, huh?” she asked, a little more on a teasing note. She was sure that he would.
Jacen smiled.
“Of course, Mama,” he said quietly, but surely, with a promise underlying his every word, and visible in his stern look.
“Now, let me do something with that hair of yours,” she said, and they both smiled at each other. It was only an excuse to spend more time together and remembering the old days, when Hera would brush Jacen’s hair before getting work done. But they both found reassurance in that.
When she was done, Hera looked proudly at Jacen in the mirror.
“You’re going to sweep everybody off their feet,” she said. Jacen smirked, as he looked at Hera in the mirror as well. He reached out to squeeze her hand that was resting on his shoulder.
“Thank you, Mom.” he said. Hera’s smile didn’t leave her face, as she gently ran her hand one last time through Jacen’s hair.
The walk to the cockpit was heavier than she anticipated. There was not a place where she would feel better than behind the steers. But this time it was leading her to parting ways with her son. She had done that too many times to believe that every single one of those ended up happily. But she had to have hope that this one would. She could never let herself lose her hope.
And Jacen could take perfect care of himself. And if he promised her that he would be back, then he will.
We’ll see each other again. I promise.
With her heart a little lighter, Hera looked up at her son in the co-pilot’s seat.
She sent him a comforting smile.
“Ready?” she asked him, flipping the switches at the top to bring the engines back to life. They seemed to hum, happy to be awake, before she heard Jacen’s answer.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he said, giving her his most cocky smile. Hera had to hold back a chuckle, but couldn’t stop a smirk.
“Here we go then,” she said, and she was glad to hear more cheerfulness in her voice than she thought she had.
Brightly looking into the future, she punched in the hyperspace coordinates, and the darkness of the vast space changed into the mesmerizing blue and white vortex. Looking at Jacen, relaxed, right beside her, was what she could take from a small moment like that and cherish in her heart forever. He was there and he would be coming back. What more could she ask for?
The bond they had was one not easily broken and as strong as any mother could hope to have with her child. So maybe the distance wasn’t what mattered the most. What was in their hearts was more important.
And Hera knew they would always have each other there.