Chapter Text
Knock knock knock. The sound of knuckles on wood, somehow more gentle than usual. Jin Ling knows who it is without even having to ask, even if the sound is uncharacteristically gentle-- And so he doesn’t waste the energy to tell his uncle to leave him be. Instead, his focus is on the ceiling of his room, as it has been for the past several days. His fingers move slowly, carefully running through Fairy’s soft fur-- It’s the only thing that’s brought Jin Ling comfort throughout these past few days.
That man doesn’t deserve your tears. Those words had been echoing in his head since the night he heard them-- since the night that he had watched his uncle die before his eyes. Maybe Jin Guangyao didn’t deserve tears or grief, there was no denying that what had been revealed was absolutely abhorrent. … But nothing would change that he had been the man to help raise him. Nothing would change that he was his uncle, a member of his family--
Jin Ling’s thoughts were interrupted by the voice of his remaining uncle, “I’m coming in.” There was a moment of silence, and then the door creaked open. Jin Ling did not even look up. It’d been days since he had last seen his uncle -- but he did not have the energy or will to sit up, let alone speak.
He expected to be berated, to be forced out of his room and back to his training. What was he doing, lazing around? Those were the words that he had expected-- But they never came, not even as his uncle’s boots thumped against the wooden floor. Not even as he felt the bed shift beneath him, his uncle taking a seat by his feet.
“... Nothing happened while I was away.” It’s clear that he doesn’t really know what to say-- He never really has. But he’s trying, and Jin Ling knows this. … But he still doesn’t say anything.
The lack of a response earns a sigh from Jiang Cheng, though he does little more than shift his weight-- He can feel that much, as well as the tired eyes that are looking over him. He knows that he’s a mess, but he makes no effort to straighten himself up. In reality, all that he wants to do is fall back asleep-- Something that he hasn’t been able to do since one of the servants woke him up a few hours ago to bring him lunch--
“... You haven’t eaten yet?” It’s almost as if his uncle can read his mind. Damn it.
“... I haven’t been hungry.” An honest answer, and one that is given quietly. His throat is dry and his voice carries so much tiredness. The first thing that he’s said in several days and he finally sits up to look at his uncle, loose hair falling around his shoulders as he shifts. The very first thing that he notices is just how tired his uncle looks.
It’s expected, but it doesn’t change the tight feeling that forms in his chest. All he’s doing is adding more to his worry, isn’t he? Pathetic. “... Sorry, Jiu Jiu.”
Almost as soon as the first word left his lips, Jiang Cheng was shaking his head. For a moment, it seemed like he was about to lean closer-- But ultimately decided to stay in place, tired eyes shifting to the floor. “Don’t apologize. You’ve been through a lot recently, A-Ling.” Silence hangs in the air once more, Jin Ling having no idea how to respond to those words. He’s not used to his uncle being so gentle with him. He’s known that his uncle worried about him for years now, more so than he thought he should have. … But usually, that worry manifested as something a lot harsher than this. At least, that’s how it had been in recent years. Since he had been old enough to pick up his father’s sword and begin his training--
His own gaze had been downcast until he felt the weight at the foot of his bed shift once more, his uncle standing with a sigh. “... I have… things that I need to attend to, now that I’m back. I’ll bring your dinner later.”
Jin Ling’s head raises to watch as his uncle moves towards the door-- Though the man stops with his hand on the handle to say one last thing, his gaze softening as he turned to look back at his nephew. “... Come find me if you need anything, A-Ling. We can talk more later.”
There was a moment of silence that hung between the two of them that was broken by another sigh from Jiang Cheng. “... When you’re ready.” He paused in the doorway for a short moment, waiting for a response. It was when the door creaked again, Jiang Cheng starting to make his exit, that Jin Ling finally spoke up once more.
“... Okay.” An awkward pause followed the single-word response. A moment of hesitation, before he quietly added one last statement, “... Thank you, Jiu Jiu.”
He could have sworn he saw some of the tension leave his uncle’s shoulders as he left the room after that.
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“A-Ling.” Hearing his name, Jin Ling couldn’t help but to jolt-- Even if it had been said gently, it was still enough to snap him out of the daze that he had drifted into. Tired eyes looked up from the bowl of soup that he had been lazily stirring, unable to meet his uncle’s gaze. Out of the corner of his eye he caught that concerned look all over again-- The look that felt like a knife to the heart, that hurt more than any harsh words he could hear from Jiang Cheng.
It hurt, knowing that he was only making his uncle worry about him. He heard a quiet sigh escape his uncle’s lips when he didn’t give a response-- And yet he continued, having gotten his nephew’s attention. “Don’t play with your food.”
…. Ah, right. How could he explain that he wasn’t hungry? That the thought of trying to eat made his stomach hurt? That he felt nauseous and sick, and that all he wanted to do was return to his room and sleep more..? … He really was pathetic, wasn’t he?
Shedding tears over a horrible man that the entire world now hated. Over the man that had tried to take his life in a desperate attempt to escape. A man who had done horrible things, and had ultimately gotten what he deserved-- Who had brought shame to the Lanling Jin Sect. The man who had been sealed beneath a mountain only days ago, now, alongside the fierce corpse that had brought forth his death. The corpse that had been his own Sworn Brother that he had killed himself.
… And yet, among all of those horrible things, his heart ached knowing that he would never see him again. How could he not grieve one of the men that had raised him? His own uncle who had been so kind to him at every opportunity, up until the night of his death?
Maybe he should have died there, just like him. Just like his mother and father had died before he could ever know them. … And yet he didn’t. It was cruel for fate to take everything that he loved like this. It was unfair. Why did it have to be his li--
He suddenly froze, feeling warm tears on his cheeks. He quickly lowered his gaze, hoping that his uncle had not noticed, and used his sleeve to wipe away the tears. He wouldn’t cry here. He couldn’t cry here, not like this.
Jin Ling took a deep breath, carefully pushing himself up from the mat on the floor. He had hardly touched the soup that had been in front of him, but he had made his decision to leave-- There was no way that he would allow his uncle to stop him. “... I’m sorry, Jiu Jiu, I’m… not that hungry, and I don’t feel well.” He wasn’t lying. “I’m…” He fumbled over his words, trying his hardest to mask the sound of his crying from his tone. He was failing, considering the way that his uncle looked at him.
And so he turned on his toes, not even bothering to offer his uncle a bow as he clenched his fists. “ I’m going to bed, ” he snapped, footsteps heavy as he started towards the exit of the dining hall. “I’m not hungry! I’m tired! And I don’t want to deal with any of this right now!” His voice was increasing in volume as he grew closer to the doors that led into the night air of Lotus Pier. He heard something shift behind him and he was quick to whirl back around, teary eyes glaring into the eyes of his uncle who was starting to stand from his own mat.
“ And don’t follow me! Just leave me alone! ” It was with that last shout that his voice cracked and he was quick to make his exit-- Storming back to his room without a second thought of how disrespectful he had been. He could feel his fingernails digging into his hands as he squeezed tighter and tighter. The only footsteps that he could hear were his own; it was only a short walk until he reached his room once more, door SLAMMED behind him with much more force than necessary-- (A sound that all of Lotus Pier was more than familiar with, and not only because of Jin Ling.)
It was only a matter of moments until his plopped into his bed, burying his face deep into his pillow; finally free to cry and sob far away from prying eyes.
Why did he have to lose everyone that was supposed to love him?
Why couldn’t he have had his mother and father, like every other child?
Why did his uncle have to die right in front of him?
… Why did fate have to be so cruel, and life so unfair? Questions that he couldn’t answer. That he was certain no one had the answer to--
… And that was just another thing that wasn’t fair.
Then again, nothing ever was, was it?
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Blood. Jin Ling can smell blood. It makes him feel sick to his stomach and his knees weak-- Why does he smell blood?! As weak as he feels he can’t help but push forward, moving quickly through the dark forest that surrounds him. As he moves deeper the smell grows stronger and eventually mixes with the scent of rot and earth-- The unmistakable stench of a fierce corpse.
His heart is pounding in his ears. There’s only one thing that he knows; he has to reach his uncle. He has to save him. He’s in danger. He’s in danger--
An all-too-familiar scream cuts through the trees as soon as the young boy reaches the clearing, eyes going wide as he helplessly watches the scene before him. Frozen in place, hands shaking. He is unable to draw his sword or bow as he watches his uncle be overtaken by the fierce corpses, each of them pouncing on the man that Jin Ling had once thought to be invincible--
He lets out a bloodcurdling scream-- And is then jolted back into reality. His eyes snap open as he finds himself back in his room, quickly sitting up in his bed. Someone is shaking his shoulder and his breathing is heavy. He can barely make out his uncle’s voice gently calling for his attention. It’s only now that Jin Ling realizes that the vivid scenario had been nothing more than a dream.
It’s not even a second later that Jin Ling is clinging to his uncle, burying his tear-covered face into the man’s chest. He doesn’t flinch as he feels his uncle’s arms wrap around him gently, holding him carefully--
Jiang Cheng is the first to speak, “... It’s okay. Jiu Jiu is right here. ” His voice is but a whisper and his hands are delicate as they run through his nephew’s long hair. He continues to voice quiet reassurances, holding his nephew as close as he can-- His grip tight and comforting, yet loose enough that Jin Ling knows that he can break away from his uncle at any time.
… He has no intention of breaking away for a long while.
Jin Ling does not offer details about his nightmare, and Jiang Cheng doesn’t ask-- Jin Ling is more than content to sit in silence, allowing his uncle to gently rock back and forth with him in his arms. He feels safe. He knows his uncle is safe. Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong--
… That’s a lie. Everything is wrong and Jin Ling finally speaks, his voice hushed and choked from tears. “‘m sorry about earlier, Jiu Jiu…” He can feel the tears starting to build once more and he barely manages to choke back a sob.
Jiang Cheng continues to stroke his hair softly before moving his hand to Jin Ling’s back, rubbing careful circles in an attempt to continue to calm the boy in his arms. He doesn’t say anything yet, and Jin Ling takes this moment of silence to continue.
“... I just… I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, Jiu Jiu-- I… I miss him. ” There was no reason that he shouldn’t. Guangyao had helped to raise Jin Ling, just as much as the uncle holding him now had. “... A- and I know that it’s pathetic for me to be so upset over s- someone so h--”
“Stop right there, A-Ling.” Jiang Cheng’s voice was firm as he finally spoke up, pushing his nephew away and holding him at arm’s length. His gaze was harsh as their eyes met, yet still held the softness that was expected of a father comforting his child after a nightmare-- “Don’t you dare say things like that. There is no right or wrong way to feel about these things, I don’t care what anyone else fucking says. Got that?”
It was easy to tell that his uncle was angry-- But it was also easy to tell that that anger was not directed at him in the slightest. It was directed at the one who had dared to say such things to Jin Ling-- “ No matter what sort of person your uncle was, he is still one of the people that you had come to trust in the absence of your parents. Do not let someone else tell you how you should fucking mourn and grieve him, because you have every right to do so.
“ No one should expect you to not grieve, and I’ll be damned if anyone gives you a hard time.” With a sudden movement, Jiang Cheng had pulled Jin Ling back into the hug from moments ago-- His chin resting atop his head. “... I know I’m not the easiest to talk to, A-Ling. But… don’t be afraid to talk to me. I… I want to do what I can because I know how hard it is to lose the ones who raised you.” Jin Ling knew the words that his uncle had not spoken well. It was even more difficult to watch them die right in front of you.
Any other time the boy would have made an effort to pull away from his uncle’s affections, complaining about how he didn’t need to be treated like a child anymore. … That was not the case in these moments. The nightmare had been long forgotten, replaced with the harsh reality of the feelings that Jin Ling had fallen asleep crying over.
And now the reality that his uncle had told him that it was okay to feel the way he did. That it was okay to miss him, and that it was okay to mourn-- … And that he would be there if he needed him. Words that held a firmness to them, that Jin Ling knew weren’t just something that his uncle was saying to make him feel better for a short time.
He knew that his uncle meant everything that he said-- And that only made his crying worse, tears staining into the front of his uncle’s robes as he placed his face into his chest once more. He feels Jiang Cheng start to softly rock back and forth once more, holding him tightly-- And Jin Ling wraps his arms around his uncle once more. He has no intention of letting him leave for a long while.
“... Why does it have to be me…?” The question hadn’t necessarily been meant for his uncle-- Nor had it been meant to be said aloud. And yet here it was. “... Why do I have to be the one to lose everyone, Jiu Jiu…? First Mother and Father, a- and now--”
… Jin Ling knew that his uncle didn’t have an answer to the question. And so he continued, knowing that his uncle would at least listen to everything that he had to say as he was slowly rocked back and forth. “... Why did I have to watch him die…? Why is everything so unfair-- ” Jin Ling’s words were soon stopped by his own sobbing, unable to hold it back any longer. “ W- why-- ”
“... I don’t know.” Jiang Cheng was silent after his response, trying to find the right words to say-- And he finally continued after a few minutes of thought.
“... I’ve… asked the same question a lot. … I never understood how your mother could continue to be so happy after everything that had happened, A-Ling. … She truly was something else, you know…?” Jin Ling didn’t respond, not that Jiang Cheng expected one. He continued, nonetheless.
“... But she always managed to stay positive, no matter how bad things seemed to be. … She always had this… light in her eyes. Always seemed to have the strength to pull through anything and turn out okay, even if the world seemed to be falling apart around her. Because… to her? No matter how dark things seemed to be, she always knew that there was light somewhere; just waiting for you to find it, because they exist together. … You can’t have darkness without light, and… you can’t have bad things without something good happening eventually. It’s… just going to take time. And… Like I said, A-Ling. I’ll… I’ll try my damnedest to be here through everything, okay..? You don’t have to worry about these things alone, I’ll make sure of that. ”