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Izuku’s breath gets caught in his throat at the sound of Shouto’s words, hesitant, and quiet. The cool hand over his own sends sparks coursing through his veins, like fireworks bursting in fits of colour deep inside him and bathing him in hues of red and white. His heart is racing in his chest, as if trying to set a record on how fast it can send him to his grave. For a moment, Izuku has to wonder if he heard him right, if he didn’t misinterpret something or add more meaning where there simply is none.
It’s been such a long time since he had been dreaming of hearing something like this, even longer of telling himself that he was reading too much into his own feelings, confusing a close friendship for something more. But as the years progressed and those feelings only got stronger, it became harder to deny that he had fallen for one of his very best friends—again. Despite his past crushes, things were different with Shouto.
And the time never seemed quite right for relationships before, not with his training, with the League wreaking havoc everywhere and who knows what else the universe decided to throw at them. Izuku had to focus on his duties, not on his heart, All Might was counting on him to become a worthy successor. So, Izuku stopped trying to find room for love in his hectic life, but what he felt for Shouto never changed, or rather, it never faded.
This should be wonderful, right?
Finally, Shouto risks a glance up at Izuku from underneath his fringe, a faint flush dusted over his cheeks that only seems to send his heart into more of a frenzy. His mismatched eyes are asking for something, anything, and Izuku’s throat closes up even further, his entire body trembling slightly. His tongue feels like lead in his mouth, heavy and burdensome and he doesn’t even know what to say, just that he should say something.
“Sh-Shouto, I—” ‘I feel the same way’, say it. Say it, ‘I feel the same’, ‘I love you too’, say it, say it. “I need a minute.”
Izuku jumps to his feet, tearing his hand away from Shouto’s and running towards the bathroom, though not before he sees the shock ghosting past his friend’s features, the hurt that lingers just beneath it. His stomach churns and he quickens his pace further to reach one of the stalls faster, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it, his head spinning.
Breaths coming out much too short, Izuku feels like no air is properly reaching his lungs, as if his airways are blocked and nothing gets past the massive lump in his throat. The edges of his vision turn dark and his knees go weak, causing him to slide down to the floor as he shakes, tears springing to the corners of his eyes and blurring his sight on top of it. This is ridiculous, he should be happy, he should be thrilled, pulling Shouto into an embrace and never letting him go. What is he doing? Why is he locking himself in a bathroom and losing all sense of control, close to a full-blown panic attack?
Brave and kind? Izuku almost laughs, the irony of Shouto’s words in no way lost on him in light of his current position.
With trembling hands, Izuku covers his face and tries desperately to level his breathing, to tell himself that he is absurd and he should be by Shouto’s side, sharing a nice dessert and basking in the moment. But if he accepts Shouto’s feelings then…
He will be dragging him right into the middle of everything. One for All and All for One, the League of Villains, Izuku will be placing a huge neon target right on Shouto’s back for all of them to focus their fire on. And Shouto doesn’t even know half of it, he doesn’t even know the truth about his quirk. Izuku has been lying to him, to everyone, how is he supposed to tell him that he loves him when he can’t even tell him the truth? Shouto has trusted him with so much, told him things that no one else even dreams about, his deepest and darkest secrets. Izuku hasn’t even given him the courtesy of knowing that he’s quirkless, when he’s graced him with every gritty detail of his horrible childhood.
Shouto has been supporting him ever since U.A., he’s been nothing short of a wonderful friend, and what has Izuku given him in return? He’s dragged him into dangerous situations, nearly gotten him killed on more than one occasion, worried him beyond belief, gotten him sent to the hospital alongside him.
And even if that weren’t the case, even if Shouto knew everything and Izuku wasn’t just a reckless magnet for disaster, what if they actually got together? What if things seemed perfect at first, and then it all went wrong? What if the friendship they hold dear falls apart along with everything else and then Izuku is left with nothing but the bitter aftertaste of loneliness, of failure, heartbroken?
Things will never be the same between them if it doesn’t work out. If they give it a shot and it ends up in ruins what will be left of them to salvage? If things stay the same, Shouto can move on and be happy with someone else, someone who can take care of him and give him everything he deserves. Izuku doesn’t deserve someone as wonderful as Shouto but he’s greedy enough to want to remain his friend. He doesn’t want to shatter what they have, doesn’t want to hurt Shouto, to break him. He doesn’t even know how to be in a relationship. Shouto deserves someone who can give him what unconditional love and attention, who isn’t torn between him and their duty.
The walls are closing in around him, tears streaming down his face as he chokes on the sobs he tries so hard to keep quiet. How long has it been since he fled? That alone is proof that he shouldn’t be with Shouto. His friend poured his heart out to him and he just ran, left him without a single explanation. What kind of person even does that?
The door hinges creak as someone steps into the bathroom and Izuku knows he should be at least trying to gather his bearings, picking himself up off the floor and stopping this nonsense reaction. But it’s too hard to breathe, even harder to think clearly, and his muscles are stiff and locked in place.
“Izuku?”
At the sound of Shouto’s voice, he can’t stop the miserable hiccup from breaking out of his lips, much too loud in his own ears. He hears shuffling behind the door, followed by a soft knock, and Izuku feels his heart sink down to his stomach, a cold feeling pooling in his gut uncomfortably.
“Hey… You don’t have to answer me, I told you…” Shouto whispers, but Izuku can hear the crushing disappointment in his tone, the overwhelming sadness taking over.
It only spurs the shame gripping at his insides on, fuels the bitterness leaving a sour taste in his mouth. Izuku sobs once more, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head weakly, as if his friend would somehow see it, as if he would even know what he means by it. He isn’t even sure if he knows it himself.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to burden you with my feelings, I just… My therapist said—god, what am I doing? This was a mistake, I’m so sorry, Izuku. You can just forget I said anything.”
How can he forget something like that? How can he forget hearing something he had wanted for longer than he cares to admit? How can he possibly ignore the pain laced in those words and how it means that Izuku is the reason why he is hurting yet again?
His therapist… This was supposed to be a healing moment, and here Izuku is, crying his eyes out, panicking over everything and anything that is and could be, crushing all of his efforts to open up and be honest one more time. And all the while he is planning to lie to his face one more time. What’s one more sin added to the pile? He is such a terrible person.
“Just please come out. I never meant to upset you.”
“I know…” Izuku chokes out, his voice beyond strangled. “It’s not your fault, Shouto.”
“How can you say that? We were fine just before, you were smiling just before! I ruined everything, didn’t I? Everything I touch breaks. Everyone I love is miserable because of it.”
The words pierce through Izuku’s heart like a poisoned bullet but it pushes him back to his feet in a flash, tearing the door open and throwing his arms around Shouto’s shoulders on instinct alone. He buries his face in Shouto’s chest, failing to keep his crying silent any longer, and he shakes his head vehemently.
“Don’t say such things! You did nothing wrong! This is my fault and mine alone! Don’t you dare say such things about yourself!” He grips Shouto’s shirt tightly, gasping for breath in between his broken sobs. “I won’t let you say such things about yourself…”
“But—” Shouto cuts himself off, flinching at the word and sighing. “If that’s true, then why are you crying in the bathroom?”
“Because—because I…” With a weak punch to Shouto’s chest, Izuku dissolves into a sobbing mess yet again, holding on to his friend as if his very life depends on it.
Shouto just holds him in return, he rubs up and down Izuku’s back gently, standing there in silence, supporting him as he always does. How is Izuku supposed to deserve someone like this, how can he make Shouto as happy as he truly deserves to be?
“I don’t deserve you…” Izuku finally mumbles, defeated. He owes him the truth, at least this once. “You’ve told me so much, you’ve done so much for me and I… I just don’t deserve you, or your love.”
“Izuku…” Long, cool fingers tangle in his messy curls and Shouto pulls him closer, hugs him tighter, letting out a shaky breath that sends chills down Izuku’s spine. “I meant every word of what I said. Every single one. And I don’t know why you think this way but it’s not true. I love you, flaws and all. I know you’re not perfect but… neither am I.”
Hiccupping once again, Izuku melts into Shouto’s embrace, his frantic heart finally calming as he finds comfort in the other man’s arms. A small chuckle rings in Izuku’s ear and he looks up into shining mismatched eyes paired with a wobbly smile that would look much more at home on his own lips rather than Shouto’s.
“Do you mind if we take this somewhere else. As shitty as we might be feeling, I don’t want to have this conversation by the toilets.” Izuku actually manages to laugh at that, a wet and broken thing, but a laugh nonetheless.
“You make a fair point…”
Shouto wipes the tears from Izuku’s cheeks with his thumbs then helps him to the nearest sink so that he can splash some cold water on his face just as another man walks in. Too drained to actually care, Izuku just dries his face and walks out with Shouto by his side. In spite of his protests, Shouto pays for their meal before they leave, and they walk in an almost comfortable silence to a nearby children’s park, long empty at this time of night.
With a sigh, Izuku slumps onto one of the swings and Shouto sits on the other, swinging gently back and forth with his feet still planted on the ground. Anxiety coils in Izuku’s gut as the heavy silence stretches on, both of them likely riddled with questions, overflowing with emotions, but neither really knowing what to say.
“I—”
“Izuku—”
They both laugh quietly when they start speaking at the same time, and Izuku rubs at his eyes, tears already building anew.
“You first.” Shouto whispers, running a hand through his hair. “I already said what I had to say tonight…”
Izuku takes a deep breath, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “I’m scared…” He admits, voice small and shy. “I love you too, Shouto. So, so much… I don’t want to lose you.”
Turning to face him, Shouto bites on the inside of his cheek, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Why would you lose me if I feel the same way?”
“Do you want me to list all the reasons? We might be here all week.” A bitter chuckle creeps from his lips, completely devoid of humour.
“Izuku… What are you trying to say? Do you not want… to be with me? As more than friends?”
“I do, Shouto, goodness, I do. But—”
“We have butts, words don’t.” Shouto blurts out, his cheeks tinging a bright pink as soon as the words are out of his mouth. He clears his throat. “My therapist makes me say that whenever I try to make excuses. So, what’s yours, Izuku?”
Jaw slacking, Izuku can only stare into Shouto’s eyes for the longest time, his heartrate picking up when he sees the hope shining within, the anticipation. There is so much love in those eyes.
“What if I’m not good enough for you? What if we break up? What if our friendship breaks with it and things are never the same between us?”
“What if we die tomorrow and we never even know if it could have been the best thing that ever happened to us?” Shouto shoots back and Izuku flinches at the truth in what he said.
“It doesn’t have to be this complicated, does it?”
“Sometimes, we are the only ones holding ourselves back. I think you’re the one who taught me that.”
“How hypocritical of me, huh?” Izuku laughs.
Lifting himself back to his feet, Shouto moves to stand in front of Izuku, holding out his hands. “I love you, Izuku. Hypocrisy and all.”
It’s impossible not to mirror such a brilliant smile, especially when Shouto is the one to offer it. Izuku takes Shouto’s hands and lets himself be pulled into his arms, wrapping his own around his waist and nuzzling his neck. He feels Shouto pressing his lips to the top of his head, squeezing him a little tighter.
“So, what do you say?” Shouto asks. “You still don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to.”
“I think… If you’re willing to put up with all my nonsense… I will gladly be in your care, Shouto.”
“I know a great therapist who could help you deal with that nonsense—” Izuku smacks Shouto’s shoulder playfully and he chuckles, tipping his chin up to look him in the eyes. “Can I kiss you?”
“You can.”
Shouto leans down slowly, hesitantly, and their lips meet for but a moment, the anxiety still clawing underneath Izuku’s skin stilling for the few seconds the kiss lasts. The rest will hopefully fade as they settle into each other’s lives, finally together and there to help each other through their fears, as they always have.