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McZesty @McZesty21
Just saw someone run past the cafeteria with a huge sword on their back... Should I be concerned? #onlyinredgrave #wheresthepolice
At Your Recommendation @bestfoodplaces
I’m back! Just checked out Fred's Family Diner. The pizza's great, but the safety regulations are concerning. Do the owners allow people to carry sharp objects into the building?
[ATTACHMENT: blurry picture of a man with a red jacket and sword at a small diner's checkout counter, taken from behind a booth.]
Trishalicious @notyourmommy
@woohoopizzaman lmaooooo, called out
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
@notyourmommy ......dammit.
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
it's 1am. my project is due in six hours.
[ATTACHMENT: a dark room. The only light source is a computer screen. There's an empty Word document open.]
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
@woohoopizzaman fuck.
(2:02) jackpot: verge are u asleep
(2:02) jackpot: verge
(2:02) jackpot: veeeeeeerrge
(2:03) Vergil: Why are you awake?
(2:03) jackpot: HA i knew it
(2:03) jackpot: why are u awake [EMOJI: eyes]
(2:03) jackpot: are u watching anime again
(2:03) Vergil: It's none of your business.
(2:03) jackpot: u totally are
(2:04) Vergil: If you wanted help with your project, you should've asked for it sooner.
(2:04) jackpot: wait how the frickity frack frick do you know that
(2:04) jackpot: U FOLLOW MY TWITTER
(2:04) jackpot: U HAVE A TWITTER????
(2:04) jackpot: i hate having so many followers, i can't even found u
(2:05) Vergil: Haha.
(2:14) jackpot: whatever i don't even care
(2:14) jackpot: what anime ru watching
(2:14) jackpot: verge?
(2:17) jackpot: verggeeee talk to meeeee
(2:17) jackpot: i know ur awake, i can see the light from ur phone
(2:20) jackpot: U LITERALLY JUST LAUGHED WHAT RU WATCHING VERGEEEE
(2:22) jackpot: is it naruto
(2:22) jackpot: is it fullmetal alchemist
(2:22) jackpot: omg is it redo of a healer
(2:22) jackpot: that's kinky verge
(2:31) jackpot: this is why im dad’s favorite
Vergil is typing...
Vergil is typing...
Vergil has left the chat
(2:31) jackpot: ...vergil?
(2:31) jackpot: SHIT SHIT SHIT I WAS JUST KIDDING VERGE
(2:31) jackpot: VERasgkljdhlkj
(2:31) jackpot: asdgkjktlh'jrkafjfkhhljasdfghj
jackpot has left the chat
Final project grade: 100% + 1% (Good on you for taking the extra credit)
Comments: Fantastic work as always, Mary. Though if your partner is sporting a broken arm and several fractured bones, I expect you to tell me and not lug him up to the stage to present while he's still bleeding.
A+ for effort, though.
EXCERPT FROM Dr. J. D. Morrison's MEDICAL REPORT]
Patient was admitted at 15:16 by his professor at Red Grave University, who reported bleeding from the scalp, a broken ("crooked") arm, and limping. Patient refuses to disclose the extent of his injuries, though I can make a few educated guesses. Upper arm is bruised and swollen, suggesting a fracture that is healing incorrectly. Knowing Dante, he went to sleep assuming they would mend overnight.
No history of alcohol or drug abuse. (Note: check psychiatric records.) Blood pressure and heartbeat are normal. Patient insisted on grumbling through the entire examination, exhibiting all the signs of a disgruntled adolescent and no signs of a concussion.
Treatment plan: Rest. Aside from superficial injuries, patient is a healthy Caucasian male of nineteen years. With his healing factor, it'll only take a day or two before he's up and running again.
(Don't take that as a challenge, Dante. I know you're reading this over my shoulder.)
My Fair Lady has joined the chat.
Your muse has joined the chat.
Trishalicious has joined the chat.
My Fair Lady changed the chat name to: "Dumbasses united"
(5:15) My Fair Lady: So Dante's in the hospital (bummer). How much do you want to bet that he'll go stir crazy and bust himself out within three days?
Emperor Nero has joined the chat.
(5:20) Emperor Nero: Ooh, are we talking shit about Dante? uhhhhh
(5:20) Emperor Nero: 2 days
(5:21) Emperor Nero: No wait, Vergil put him there
(5:21) Emperor Nero: One day
(5:21) My Fair Lady: Any other takers?
(5:21) Your muse: You're overestimating Dante's patience, Nero. Five hours
(5:22) Trishalicious: if money’s on the line,,,
(5:22) Trishalicious: kyrie's right. five hours.
(5:22) My Fair Lady: Wow you guys have no faith in him
(5:23) Emperor Nero: What's your bet?
(5:23) My Fair Lady: Three hours and counting
(5:23) My Fair Lady: If Dante doesn't bust himself out by 8:30 tonight, I'm gonna lose my shit
(5:24) My Fair Lady: And my money
Trishalicious changed the chat name to: "broke ass college students lmao"
Emperor Nero changed the chat name to: “shut up Trish”
(5:24) Trishalicious: OOMPH
(5:24) Trishalicious: i feel disrespected
Vergil has joined the chat.
(5:24) Emperor Nero: No
Vergil has left the chat.
Horny on main has joined the chat.
(5:29) Horny on main: What the hell
(5:29) Horny on main: We're betting money and no one invited me?
(5:31) Your muse: Hi Nico!! :D
(5:31) Emperor Nero: Fuck off Nico
(5:31) Horny on main: Getting mixed signals here, so I'm gonna go ahead and ignore Nero because he's useless
(5:32) Horny on main: Love you, Kyrie
(5:33) Your muse: <3
(5:34) Emperor Nero: Get away from my girlfriend
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
i want to die.
nudedles @noodlefish
@woohoopizzaman ??? what's wrong?
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
@noodlefish my friends won't stop laughing at me because my brother beat my arse to oblivion, and now i'm in the hospital with a severe case of boredom.
[GIF: a man jumping out of a window as the words "SEND HELP" flash across the screen]
Terra Scotte @terrascotte
@woohoopizzaman Is this the same brother who stabbed you with a kitchen knife because you stole his katana?
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
@terrascotte that's the bitch.
Huaping @huapinghuang016
@woohoopizzaman @terrascotte @noodlefish I honestly can't tell if this is a shitpost or if this dude actually lives as crazy of a life as his Twitter suggests
Subject: RE: Dante's admission into A&E
From: J.D. Morrison <[email protected]>
To: Sparda Jacobs <[email protected]>
Mr. Jacobs,
Thank you for the email. I'll keep it in mind.
Anything to keep him from driving himself crazy with boredom is much appreciated. I gave him a copy of King Lear and he blew through it in an hour. Any longer and I think he'll start climbing the walls. If he runs or give me trouble, I'll let you know. I'm sure you'll have more success reigning him in than this old man.
Bring it to the front desk and tell them it's for Dante. They'll know. This isn't Dante's first rodeo. I swear that kid has half the hospital wrapped around his little finger.
While I have your attention, I'm quite interested in the application of vital stars for practical use. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?
On Apr 14, 20xx, at 10:30 AM, Sparda Jacobs<[email protected]> wrote:
Dr. Morrison,
[...]
The Inferno @woohoopizzaman
i'm outta here
[ATTACHMENT: a blurry picture of a hospital hallway. The person is obviously running away from someone.]
Trishalicious @notyourmommy
@woohoopizzaman daddy sparda wants you to check your phone
Daddy Dead Weight @fortunasbestboi
@woohoopizzaman HAH Dante's in trouble
My Fair Lady has joined the chat.
(8:28) My Fair Lady: Going on patrol. Feel free to join me if you want to kick some demon ass
[The video flickers to life, its bottom half obstructed by a massive slab of concrete. The screen shakes as a explosion rocks the street, blowing smoke through the air. Through the chaos, a voice can be heard cursing.]
"How the fuck do you deal with these again— ARE YOU SERIOUSLY RECORDING ME?"
[The person holding the camera suppresses a snicker and adjusts their perch so that the lens is pointed right at a girl in the white blouse. She shoots a scathing glare over her shoulder. There's an oversized bazooka perched on her knee. A horde of shadowy creatures surround her, each the size of a full-grown panther.
One of the black creatures snarls and leaps into the air. The girl whirls her bazooka around and aims. The screen blurs, struggling to follow the creature's movements as it turns into a spinning blade that slices the air. Someone whistles behind the camera, impressed.]
"Damn, that's pretty cool. Hey, Lady, mind posing for the camera?"
"Why aren’t you helping?"
"I'm on house arrest! Dad even took away Rebellion, see?"
"You still have Ebony and Ivory, don't you? Get off your lazy ass and fight!"
"Excuse you, my arse is one hundred percent awesome. Isn't that right, guys?"
[The camera swivels around, revealing a shit-eating grin and starch white hair. As the boy opens his mouth to speak, an agonized scream splits the air, wiping the smile from his face immediately. He whirls away from the camera.]
"Lady?"
[The dust and debris clears, revealing a figure kneeling in the middle of the road and clutching her arm in pain. One of the creatures takes advantage of her weakness and lunges, teeth bared and claws unsheathed.
The camera is flung aside and rolls along the ground, catching the tail end of the boy's red jacket as he bolts towards the battlefield.]
"Lady!"
BREAKING NEWS: Emergency call received from abandoned suburbs of city, police still investigating source
by Margaret Denn
[...]
Police have confirmed that the victim is Mary Ann, a student at the local Red Grave University. Emergency dispatchers report that the caller was a frantic young man who refused to identify himself but confirmed that the victim was in dire need of medical assistance.
Though they've yet to release an official statement, sources claim that the police believe this could be a targeted attack. Evidence points to multiple assaulters. Police are now considering reopening other cold cases that might contain leads to...
Read more
(8:01) Trishalicious: the doctor's coming out
(8:01) Trishalicious: shit he looks worried
(8:08) Trishalicious: okay, good news
(8:09) Trishalicious: her injuries aren’t fatal
jackpot is typing...
Emperor Nero is typing...
Your muse is typing...
Horny on main is typing...
Vergil is typing...
(8:10) Horny on main: Thank fuck
(8:10) Your muse: Is she going to be okay??
(8:10) Emperor Nero: What the fuck happened out there, Dante?
(8:10) Vergil: There's bad news.
(8:11) Trishalicious: ONE AT A TIME
(8:11) Trishalicious: @Vergil unfortunately, yes
(8:11) Trishalicious: she's going to be out of it for a while
(8:11) Trishalicious: we can't see her until the doctors give the go-ahead
(8:12) Trishalicious: for now, everyone give her some space
jackpot is typing...
(8:13) Trishalicious: you too, dante
(8:14) jackpot: ...fine
(8:14) Trishalicious: vergil, keep your brother in line. we don't want a repeat incident of sophomore year
(8:15) Vergil: Will do.
(10:34) jackpot: hey...
(10:34) jackpot: sorry about yesterday, lady
(10:35) jackpot: i was being a giant dick
(10:36) jackpot: but hey, at least u didn't die? :/
(10:51) My Fair Lady: I was in the surgery room for eleven hours.
(10:52) My Fair Lady: I'm going to miss the next few weeks of school
(10:52) My Fair Lady: And my medical bills are through the roof.
jackpot is typing...
(10:53) My Fair Lady: In case you were wondering, THIS COULD'VE ALL BEEN PREVENTED IF YOU'D LISTENED TO ME
jackpot is typing...
(10:54) jackpot: shit, ur really pissed
(10:56) jackpot: look lady, i'm really sorry
(10:56) jackpot: sure those demons were really aggressive but uve dealt with worse
(10:58) My Fair Lady: Not the point.
(10:59) My Fair Lady: And a friendly reminder: I'm human, Dante. I can't heal as freakishly fast as you can.
jackpot is typing...
jackpot is typing...
(11:05) My Fair Lady: You know what? Forget it. I doubt you'd understand anyways.
My Fair Lady has left the chat.