Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Clay clenches his fists around his beer angrily as he stares up at the television above the bar where his father is sat discussing his upcoming book, his upcoming book about their missions, their secret missions, and in that moment he realizes what his dad is planning. He's planning to ruin him, ruin his relationships and his brotherhood that he's worked so hard to gain.

He hasn't told his father anything about their missions, not their locations, not the time they spent there, not even the injuries, "how'd that happen?" "I cut myself while cooking" so he can't possibly be the source, but he's the first person people will suspect, and he can't really blame them for it. But to think that his own father wants to ruin him to this degree is quite a hard pill to swallow.

He throws a couple of dollar bills down on the counter and heads out of the bar as fast as he can, long strides leading him directly to his car without much thought, he's too angry to even think at this point. He just wants to go home and maybe punch a wall, "hey! Clay!" he picks up his pace as the voice of his father reaches his ears, "Clay, hey! Wait up!" he unlocks his car and opens the door but before he can get in he's stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Son, where are you going?" Clay almost physically recoils at the sound of his father's voice, if he thought couldn't tolerate him before he's just been proven wrong, now he really can't stand the man. "I'm going home, as far away from you as possible," he answers, his jaw clenched just as tightly as his fists.

"Did something happen in there?" Ash furrow his brows like he's worried for him, which Clay knows is an absolute lie, a lie that he's bought before but never again. "Yeah," stroking his chin he cracks a smile, not a genuine one but one that screams 'I'm smiling but if you touch me again I'll knock you out', "yeah, dad, something did happen, I saw your interview," and with those words Ash's entire demeanor changes and his face hardens. No sign of the concerned father he was just seconds ago but Clay finds it refreshing, it's probably the only time Ash has ever been real with him. "Do you hate me that much?" Clay continues to smile but his eyes tell a different story, "what have I done to you? Huh?" Ash squares his shoulders and crosses his arms, suddenly on the defense as if he's being attacked for nothing.

"They're gonna think I told you!" Clay shouts at him, dropping his smile in exchange for real anger, both inside and out, "I'm your son! You're supposed to protect me, not ruin me!" that seems to hit a nerve somewhere because Ash's face turns red and he shouts back, "and you're supposed to be my son! You're supposed to support me, not choose Jason Hayes's made up family over your real one!"

A pregnant pause falls between them in the parking lot, Clay can barely wrap his head around what he's just heard, "you call this family?" he asks quietly, his voice eerily calm, "you call this dysfunctional relationship we have a family?"

"What else would it be?" Clay throws his hands up in disbelief and turns away from his father to take a deep breath before turning back again, "I don't know! but it's certainly not family. You were never there when I was younger, always away saving the world or hanging with your friends to drink and when mom left you didn't step up to be the father you were supposed to be, you went on like usual and I had to move to fucking Liberia to live with pops," he takes a pause to gauge his reaction but is disappointed to see him unphased, "they're my family, if anything, not you."

"So why have you been willing to meet up with me?" Ash counters with a smug face as if he thinks Clay won't be able to say anything back, but Clay immediately retaliates, "you think I've agreed to meet you because we're family?" he questions, voice filled with disbelief. He laughs mockingly, "I've been meeting up with you 'cause I've thought you were trying to make up for the time lost, not that you ever could, but I thought you were making an effort to," Clay drags a hand through his hair and shakes his head, "I've never considered you family and I never will," he slides into his car seat and starts the engine, "you've already done enough so how about we just end it? Right here, I go my own way and you go yours," Clay doesn't bother to wait for an answer and he slams the car door shut, missing Ash's body by a millimeter.

"Bye, Ash," he tells him and begins to roll out of the parking lot without sparing his father a second glance, he's not worth it.

The first thing Clay sees when he steps into their room is his cage being ransacked by men Clay's never seen before, "hey, what the hell are you doing?" he calls and they look up from where they've got their hands on his stuff, "Sir, we're under strict orders from captain Harrison to go through your things," one of the men reply and Clay's brows furrow, "why?" he questions further and the same man answers, although more hesitantly, "y-you're under suspicion of leaking classified information, sir."

This has Clay's entire body freezing up and it feels like the breath has been knocked out of him, this is what he was afraid of. "To whom would I have been leaking this information, then?" his voice takes a serious turn, a quieter one, as he realizes what's going on. "I don't know if we're allowed to disclose that kind of info-"

"To my father, right? Ash Spenser?" the man shuts his mouth with a loud snap and of the men beside him nudge him in the side as to say, shut up you've said too much already, but Clay doesn't need verbal confirmation, he knows he's right, and he's livid.

He needs to find Blackburn, "well, have fun in here, just to spare you going through my sex toys, there's nothing in there," he tries to joke but it comes off cold and serious to the point that he's almost a bit scared they'll actually think he has sex toys stashed in there.

Exiting the room he heads down the many hallways, avoiding eye contact with anyone he passes because he's sure that if they already have a team ransacking his cage surely the majority of the people on base have already heard the news of his father's new book, and what's apparently in it. When he reaches Blackburn's office he can hear numerous voices from inside getting louder by the second and he recognizes one as Davis, his knocking silences the office and a few seconds passes where Clay starts to think they won't let him in, but then the door opens and he's met by Trent. And he does not look happy.

"What are you doing here?" Ray asks, his arms crossed over his chest in an offensive stance, "they're ransacking my cage," Clay replies bluntly as if that'll explain everything; which it apparently does. Blackburn pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales loudly, "did they explain why?"

"Didn't have to," Clay replies, biting the inside of his cheek, "I guess, by now, everyone's already heard the news," he adds and all Blackburn does is nod. Silence falls between them and Clay takes a look around the room at the other occupants, shocked to see that none of them are even sparing him a glance except for Davis. Sonny's turned away from him and so is Brock, Trent's beside him- although as far away from him as possible- Ray's standing a few feet away with his gaze fixed on Blackburn, and Jason...Jason hasn't looked at him once since he came in. His eyes are glued to something on the wall and his body as tense as a bowstring.

"You can't be serious?" to Clay's utter surprise it's Davis that speaks up first, her hands are on her hips and her mouth set in a frown and she's glaring at Blackburn, if looks could kill, Blackburn would be long dead. "Why are we even contemplating the possibility that-"

"Enough, Davis," Blackburn interrupts, his hand held up to stop her and his eyes shut close, "the last thing I want to do is suspect you, Spenser, but you must see how this looks for the higher ups?" Clay nods his head, of course, he understands what it looks like, because this is exactly what Ash wants. He wants Clay to get in trouble, wants him to lose everything he's worked so hard for solely because they aren't best pals, because Clay couldn't really care less about what happens to his fathe- to Ash.

"Until this has been cleared up, you're suspended from going on any missions, understood?" and as much as Clay wants to protest, he knows that Blackburn's being lenient with him and that he'll probably get in trouble himself for being just that, so he keeps his mouth shut and nods once more. With a sigh of relief, probably because Clay decided not to put up a fight, Blackburn says absently, "dismissed," and Clay doesn't dare to linger any longer. As he opens the door he hears Sonny mumble, "don't let the door hit you on the way out," and he pretends not to hear just as much as he pretends that it doesn't make his heart hurt.

Once he's outside of the base by his car he doesn't know what to do with himself so he just stands there. He and Stella are broken up, Brian's dead, and the team's not talking to him so that means that he has no one to turn to, and it makes him realize how easy it was for Ash to ruin everything, in just a day. Sure, once this blows over and everyone realizes that he hasn't been leaking any information the team will go back to talking to him and he won't be completely alone, but for now, his dad has succeeded.

A week passes and he spends it at home, for the most part, that or the gym to get his on straight again but he makes the active choice to stick to the local gym close to him rather than the gym on base- he imagines his presence wouldn't be appreciated there. He runs until he feels like he's about to pass out and he lifts until his arms feel like they're about to fall off, he orders take out home because he's too tired to cook for himself and checks his phone as often as he can- not that it matters, no one's contacted him ever since he left Blackburn's office. No one except for Lisa who texted him are you okay? the very same day before falling silent.

He's been all alone for a week now and it's been miserable. A week on his own is no big deal, if anything it's a vacation. But a week on his own, because no one wants to talk to him or spend time with him, hurts more than he thought it would.

His father's been quiet as well, ever since that night when they went drinking and Clay unraveled Ash's master plan there's been radio silence between them and Ash hasn't made any new TV appearances. Clay's toyed with the thought of shooting a quick text to Sonny just to ask him, to clarify, that they're refusing to talk to him because they're under strict orders not to and not because they don't want to. But Clay's afraid of the answer.

When the week has gone by Clay gets a call from Blackburn who tells him he's been reinstated and that they need him back at base for a new mission, and Clay struggles not to let out a shout of joy right into the phone. He's been so incredibly restless and anxious the past week, but now that he's back in business everything will be fine again. Or at least that's what Clay thought.

As soon as he walks into the conference room the buzzing stops and everyone seems to pause in the middle of their conversations to look at him. He holds his hands up like a man at gunpoint and says, "don't stop on my account," he jokes yet no one laughs, he doesn't even see anyone's mouth twitch. Alright, tough crowd. Maybe it'll get better soon, they'll probably just a bit surprised to see me back, everything's fine.

But it doesn't take long for Clay to realize that everything's in fact not fine because not even one of the guys has greeted him nor looked at him, not even Cerberus because Brock has a tight grip on his collar- which he never has otherwise, always one to let Cerberus run free in the conference room because it's not like he can run away.

"Ahmad Abbar, a Pakistani arms dealer known for taking his payment in powder rather than cash. We've located him hiding in these mountains with a small army guarding him, your mission is to get in there, take him out, and burn everything down. Simple enough," Mandy tells them, her posture screams confidence but her expression is puzzled. "The CIA has been tracking this guy for months now and this is the first time he's stayed in one place for as long as he has, this man is highly dangerous and he's got many men ready to lay their lives down for him, do not let him get away," Jason throws down the file in his hand onto the table and stretches his legs. "Come on Mandy, have a little faith. It's a simple in and out, nothing we haven't done before," which is true, yet Mandy doesn't seem convinced.

"Nothing is simple when it comes to Abbar, every time we've managed to locate him he's disappeared within minutes and we've lost him again. We can't- I can't afford another loss," this time Jason straightens up again, less casual than before and tells her, "copy that. We'll get you Abbar," and just like that the meeting's over. Blackburn informs them on the way out that they leave in four hours which leaves very little time to do anything, Jason and Ray immediately leave to say goodbye to their kids and Trent and Brock leave to say goodbye to their girlfriends. Sonny simply follows Davis down the hall and disappears somewhere among the many camouflaged people.

But Clay...Clay doesn't have anyone to say goodbye to so he simply heads to his cage to pack some stuff and get some rest, bitterly he sits down on his bed and glares out of his cage at the empty ones around him. It leaves a sour taste in his mouth; the loneliness.

Chapter Text

"Are you really doing this?" Davis dumps her bag on the floor and puts her hands on her hips, "you're acting like children," she scolds the team minus Clay who's made up his hammock as far away from the team as possible. Jason crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the wall, his eyes closed and his legs crossed, "we're not doing anything, Davis, he's the one alienating himself from us."

"Oh, cause you have nothing to do with that, now, do you?" Davis rolls her eyes and glares right at Jason even though he can't see her, "and what about you?" she practically hisses at Sonny who simply chews a bit on the toothpick in his mouth and shrugs, "what the boss said." Davis scoffs angrily and looks over her shoulder to where Clay is cocooned in his hammock in the most pitiful way Davis has ever seen him. It only fuels her anger for the other guys and she kicks Jason's legs when she steps over him, "hey!" he growls and Davis shoots him the most unapologetic look she can muster, "oops."

Jason glares up at her and she glares right back at him, not one to back down just because the great Jason Hayes is staring her down. Jason's the first one to give up and when he does he runs a hand over his face and through his hair before sighing deeply, "what do you want us to do, Davis?"

"I want you to say you're not actually believing all the crap you hear," she looks around at the guys around her, all in various states of dressed, and levels everyone with a murderous look, "you more than anyone know what his relationship with his father is like and what that damn book has given him- which for the record is nothing positive. Hell, even you judged him based off of that book when you first met him even if you don't want to admit it," she pauses to give them a moment to take in her words, Brock looks uncomfortable and he squirms in his seat under her gaze. Trent looks conflicted and Ray looks like he's in deep thought. Sonny's face has hardened, as if he doesn't know that Davis can see right through him, but Jason...Jason looks unmoved.

"That book has given him nothing but trouble, why would he give everyone even more ammunition to use against him?" she leaves the question open and picks up her bag from the floor. Slinging it over her shoulder she spares them one last look, "get some rest, we'll be there in a couple of hours," and with that, she leaves them and wanders off to the other side of the aircraft.

Silence falls between the men and Jason chews the inside of his cheek, deep in thought. Of course he wants to believe Clay, the man he's fought side by side with now for over a year, but the fact still remains that Clay is his father's son- although less of a douche- and Jason knows he's been seeing his father more regularly recently. It all adds up even if he doesn't want it to, and he really doesn't want it to. "What's the plan?" Brock asks with a hand buried in Cerberus fur, he's not asking about the mission which they all can tell, he's asking about Clay and what the hell they're supposed to do.

"The mission comes first," Trent pipes up and of course it does, of course, but they can't go out there ignoring each other. "Yeah but he can't walk ten feet behind us out there," Brock says with a hand pointing to where Clay is cocooned more like fifteen-twenty feet away, "we'll talk after the mission, but out there, nothing's changed," Jason grabs a blanket and throws it over himself, including his face. "Wake me when we land," and with that, silence settles between them once more.

They step off the plane with their bags stacked on their backs and weapons in hand, Clay walks behind the other five men with Davis beside him. She still seems to have faith in him and he revels in it, thinking it'll be gone soon. "You doing okay?" she leans her head a bit closer to him and asks quietly so that the guys in front won't hear, it seems to take Clay by surprise as his eyes widen a fraction before he schools his expression.

"Yeah, I'm good," Davis tilts her head and raises her brows as if to say do you think I'm an idiot? and Clay looks away from her gaze to focus straight ahead on the backpack that Brock's carrying, "hey," Davis elbows him in the side, not letting him get away from her prodding question and Clay heaves a sigh and shrugs helplessly.

"I'm alright, I just...I didn't think they'd act like this, I thought they'd believe me," Davis regards him silently for a minute, takes in the way his shoulders sag and the way his head is turned down, he looks younger and less confident. Clay's not usually an insecure guy, or at least not someone who shows when he's insecure, but he's also usually backed up by his brothers and now that he isn't the change is evident. "Well until they decide to get their heads out of their asses I'll be right here," Clay shoots her a grateful smile but otherwise doesn't reply.

They make their way toward their barracks and unfortunately, Davis has to leave them halfway there, which leaves Clay awkwardly trailing behind the other men. Clay grabs the lower bed closest to the door but Sonny nudges past him, more forcefully than needed, and grunts, "you're up top," and Clay hates sleeping up top, and Sonny knows that. So he goes to open his mouth to say something but Sonny cuts him off, "you got a problem with that?" all movement seems to cease in the room as they stare at the exchange and Clay, who's already so tired of this, simply shakes his head and climbs up the ladder.

He turns his face toward the wall and tugs his sweatshirt tighter to himself, they have a few hours until they have to leave so he might as well get some more restless sleep until then, he's already on the brink of sleep - he hasn't been able to get much rest lately- and just as he's about to drift off he hears Sonny mumble, "let's hope he doesn't run off to daddy to complain," and isn't that just a punch to the gut?

He falls asleep with a heavy heart and a lump in his throat.

And wakes to someone yanking the pillow out from underneath his head, he startles and bumps his head on the ceiling and lets out a groan, "ops tent," is all Jason tells him and Clay tiredly drags a hand over his face and tries to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He practically has to drag his way to the ops tent and when inside he throws himself into a chair and leans back, they've already been briefed once and the second time is purely to make sure that everyone's ready. Clay barely listens to a word that's being said, he simply sits there and waits for it to be over but it's not like they're asking for his input on anything anyway. At least until a hand snaps in front of his eyes and Jason asks, "you good with that?" and to avoid embarrassment Clay hurriedly nods yes without even knowing what he's asking about. But the last thing he wants to do is anger Jason right before a mission.

"Wheels up in 20," and with that Blackburn dismisses them. Clay lingers in his chair until the others have left, that way it won't look like they're ignoring him on their way to pick up their gear, Clay really doesn't want every person on base to know that his brothers hate him. "They'll come around you know, with time," Davis says like she's 100% sure of that but Clay can only grimace in response, "maybe it'll be too late by then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Clay doesn't feel like answering that truthfully because he knows he'll never get Davis off his case if he does, so he simply shrugs and gets out of his chair, "nothing, doesn't matter. See you in a couple of days," he exits the tent with his hands in his pockets. Clay's excited to go on a mission, he's been far too restless lately, but he's also dreading the occasion as there'll be nowhere to run. He won't be able to walk several feet behind his brothers nor go to the bathroom for an abnormal amount of time just to escape the suffocating tension in the room. He has no idea how anything will turn out, but when he thinks about it, he never really does, so there's no use in fretting about it. Three days, Clay, five at most. You just have to get through three days and then you can hand in your papers. Three days.

And if only that were true.

Chapter Text

Night has fallen and the only sounds to be heard is the soft crunch of their boots against the harsh gravel, the soft flow of water from a nearby river bend, and the occasional sound of a coyote howling in the distance. Clay’s in the back of the group with eyes on the group’s six and high seven and five, the constant pressure of having to look out for the group’s safety is a nice distraction from the fact that the people he’s currently protecting would rather have left him at home than to have him with them. The mountains in front of them are rising higher and higher with every step they take, looming over them eerily. 

“Six, you’re up top,” Jason’s clipped voice hisses and Clay goes without a sound, he climbs up a nearby hill and shuffles his way up to the very top, keeping his head low and his movements careful. Something doesn’t feel right to him and his hand twitches desperately to radio it in but something tells him his unfounded worries would be less than appreciated so he forces himself to stay still. He keeps his eyes on his team for a few seconds and watches them move into the cave before turning his gaze to his surroundings. As far as the eye can see mountains surround them with low valleys travelling between them, it makes Clay nervous to know that he might not be all alone in the mountains. A bush suddenly moves violently and Clay turns his gaze hurriedly to see why, the sight of a goat running across the side of a mountain is a relief, but it also manages to make him even more paranoid, he hadn’t seen where that goat came from, he doesn’t know if something spooked it or if it caught sight of something exciting. This time he goes with his gut feeling.

“I’m sitting duck here boys, wanna move it along?” within seconds Jason’s voice crackles over the radio, “stay put until I tell you to move” Clay tries to ignore the way the words sit like a bucket of ice in his stomach. Clay would like to think that had this been a month ago Jason would have taken his concern seriously, he’s never been one to worry excessively like Sonny so when he said something felt wrong the boss tended to listen. He’s about to radio back and ask that they at least give him a time frame of how much longer he’s gonna have to hang in there when suddenly a shot echoes through the valleys of the mountains and his radio breaks into pieces, one of the pieces embedding into his cheek. He presses himself closer to the ground, flat on his stomach, and tries to shuffle back away from the line of fire, one bullet manages to clip him in the leg and he groans in pain but doesn’t stop moving. When the bullets start to fly over his head and missing the ground he tries the radio desperately but he already knows it won’t work.

He can see black figures moving at the bottom of the mountain and immediately grabs his weapon and starts firing, for every man he takes down it feels like ten more appear, and he can’t help but notice that they don’t seem to be firing back, why haven’t they killed me yet? Clay can’t help but wonder as the men move closer. When he runs out of bullets he goes to reload but his time is up and just as he’s grabbing his second clip a hand covers his mouth and the world fades away.

Jason’s pissed. Mandy was sure that Abbar was in the cave but they’re at the end of it and there’s no sign of him, the place is completely deserted without any sign of anyone ever being there. No one likes a failed mission, but this feels like it failed before it even started.

“Mandy’s gonna be pissed,” Sonny mumbles in his usual southern manner. When Jason hears the first shot from outside he stills and waits for Clay to radio it in but when there’s nothing but silence he grabs his own radio to ask him what the hell is going on out there, he doesn’t even have the time to open his mouth before another shot sounds, and then another, and then another. “Bravo six give me a sitrep, now,” when he’s met by nothing but the sounds of gunshots continuing to fire he looks up at the men around him. Ray’s standing tight-lipped with a line in between his brows- worry- and even Cerberus senses something is terribly wrong. “Bravo one to TOC, do you have six’s location?” 

“TOC to bravo one, standby,” Jason waits impatiently for the reassuring ‘yes we have his location, he’s alright, everything’s fine’ but it doesn’t come. Instead Davis’s anxious voice sounds over the radio, “there are five vehicles moving away from Spenser’s location and no sign of him on the mountain,” it doesn’t take a genius to read between the lines and Sonny punches the mountain wall with rage. “They fucking took him,” he curses and Cerberus whines with his head hung low.

“Bravo one, there are a dozen insurgents gaining on your position, you need to leave” Jason sucks in a breath, “and leave Spenser?” Brock asks incredulously but Jason’s already shaking his head. “There’s no use in going after them when they outnumber us greatly and we don’t know where they’re taking him, we’re not giving up, but we can’t follow them, not yet.”