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Phillip didn’t have the best memories of Christmas. It was touted as a time of warmth and family and love, but to Phillip it had always been just another one of his parent’s parties. Another excuse for the Carlyle’s to show off their wealth and superiority and pretend to embrace the spirit of Christmas cheer and goodwill. He’d been shoved into these social settings for as long as he could remember. Small and intimidated by so many strangers. Expected to appear cheerful and outgoing, as children should be, under his fathers’ harsh gaze.
Christmas to Phillip was never associated with anything like happiness or love. It was cold and empty. It was feeling entirely alone even though he was surrounded by people.
As he got older, he found that alcohol provided even a temporary warmth and that escaping the room as quickly as he could and passing the evening in solitude was by far the better option.
These days Phillip was far removed from that side of society. He had a new life now. One that brought him joy and love and purpose. Even so, old scars can run deep and the mind can be a treacherous place.
Phillip couldn’t pinpoint when it had started. Maybe it had begun to grow as Christmas approached. Maybe it was PT’s reminder at the end of the last rehearsal of the Christmas Eve party he and Charity were throwing.
Now it was Christmas Eve and cold dread had been building inside Phillip all day. Earlier he’d told himself he was thinking crazy. This was PT Barnum and his beautifully outlandish circus troupe. Not his parents and their society friends. But the dread continued to grow. And Phillip helplessly withdrew more and more.
Somewhere along the line, he’d made his way to the office at the circus. He thought that he’d busy himself with paperwork and the evening would pass quickly and everything would be fine. It’s not like they’d miss him, anyway.
That was how Barnum found him a few hours later
PT had first been put on alert when Anne and WD had shown up at the party without Phillip. Anne had said they’d stopped by his apartment but he wasn’t there and they’d assumed he was already at the party. PT had assured her that Phillip was more than likely on his way. He couldn’t shake his own uneasy feeling though. The anxious knot was growing inside him. The type of feeling he usually got when Caroline and Helen were unwell or upset.
Guests continued to arrive. Still no sign of Phillip.
PT drew Charity aside to talk to her in private. He needed to go look for Phillip and Charity agreed. His conspicuous absence had her concerned to.
PT managed to slip away unseen and followed his instincts that told him to head to the circus.
The circus grounds appeared empty, till PT spotted the light coming from the office.
He opened the door gently and saw Phillip. The younger man was sitting on the edge of the desk. A whiskey glass held loosely in his hand. The, thankfully, mostly full bottle on the desk beside him. He was staring vacantly at the dying fire in the potbelly stove in the corner of the room.
He looked so very young then. The sad emptiness in his eyes, a look PT hadn’t seen on his partner since the night he’d first talked to him outside the theatre, was a look PT had hoped he’d never have again.
Phillip startled slightly when he heard Phin’s voice, “Phil? What are you doing here? You know you’re in the wrong place for the party?” Phin’s tone was light, trying to cover his worry.
Phillip didn’t move or even really react. “Hey, PT. Sorry. I don’t think I can make it to the party tonight. Got a lot of work to finish here. You guys have fun.”
Phin didn’t buy the excuse, “Paperwork can wait, Phil. Come on, Helen’s gonna be demanding her dance partner soon.”
“PT. I’m fine here. Honestly, it’s better for me to stay here.”
PT moved closer. “Phillip, what’s wrong?”
Phil shrugged, “Nothing’s wrong. Just not really in the mood for a party tonight.”
“Since when is Phillip Carlyle not in the mood for a party?” PT’s voice was soft as he tried to coax the truth out of him, “Come on. What happened? What’s going on?”
Phil sighed heavily. He knew PT would not stop pestering him until he talked. “PT, please, don’t. It’s Christmas Eve, I don’t want to ruin everyone’s spirit.”
Phin sat on the desk beside him, confused by Phillips’s statement. . “Phillip, you wouldn’t ruin anything. Everyone else wants to know where you are.” He placed his arm around Phil’s shoulders, “We need you there. You’re family, Phillip. Now tell me, what’s all this about?”
Phillip was staring into the embers again, He was silent for a long moment, then spoke quietly, “When I was younger, my parents would have this big party. Invite everyone who was anyone. It was all so fake. And I tried to do what they wanted. I tried to make nice and play along. But being in the same room with all those…hollow hypocrites, felt like walking through a void. Drinking as much Champagne as I could helped. Till I just couldn’t fake smile anymore and I’d hole up in my room with a bottle of scotch or something till I fell asleep. And, rationally, I know that with you guys it wouldn’t be like that. And it sounds so stupid to say out loud, but I just don’t know any other way. And honestly…I’m afraid.”
Phin’s voice was sombre, “Afraid that if you try to belong, it won’t work? To hope for something wonderful but afraid that it could all fall apart?”
Phil looked half up at him, blue eyes misty, “Yes.”
“Phillip, I know what that fear is like. To want something so much and being terrified that it’ll all disappear. Do you know how many times I’ve waited for Charity to wake up one day and realise what a colossal mistake she made running off with me? But she never did. She just kept showing me that she loved me. That she was happy with our life. And she kept doing it until I believed it.
Same goes for you. You may have trouble believing it now. But we’re you’re family. Me, Charity, Caroline, Helen, Lettie, Tom, WD. We all love you. You’re our friend, out brother, our son. You’re Anne’s soulmate. And every day, we’re gonna be here for you, to remind you just how much you mean to us. And eventually, you’re gonna believe it.”
Tears were falling freely down Phillips cheeks now. Phin just held him tighter against his side. Holding onto him till he’d cried out his hurt.
When Phil calmed, he pulled back and rubbed his sleeve across his face, “That was embarrassing.”
Phin smiled at him, “Don’t be. Sometimes it helps to cry. Clears out the old, makes way for new.”
“Thanks Phin. For what you said.”
“Meant every word. Will you come to the party now?”
Phil let out a watery laugh, “Yeah. Yeah, I will.”
Later that night, surrounded by amazing people, one arm around Anne and one around Helen, Phillip felt the coldness inside him being replaced by warmth. He felt the laughter and chatter of the people around him. The love and happiness. This was real. And he was a part of it.
He caught PT’s gaze from across the room. PT looked at Phillip and just smiled. He knew what Phillip was feeling.
This was home. This truly was Christmas.