Work Text:
Kira’s words are still ringing in his head hours after she’s said them.
You’d rather do a costume with Cyrus than with me?
TJ isn’t as stupid as everyone makes him out to be. He knows what she’s saying. He can read between the lines. You’d rather do a costume with a boy than with a girl?
Doing a costume with a boy isn’t bad. It’s the way she said it. It was how her voice carried. TJ could hear the accusation. You’d rather do a costume with a boy than with a girl that’s obviously interested in you?
TJ doesn’t always know who he is, but he knows who he isn’t. He’s not that type of guy. He’s not one of those guys that like other guys. He can’t be. He’s a jock. He’s too popular. If people thought that he was… like that, he’d be exiled. He’d be kicked from the team. People would hate him. And they’d hate whoever he was with.
So TJ can’t do the costume with Cyrus. He knows that he was the one who suggested it and he knows that Cyrus is gonna show up in that damn salt costume tomorrow, but he can’t let himself care. Because if he cares, he’ll start feeling things he shouldn’t. He’ll be reminded of how he feels about Cyrus.
TJ sighs, his head falling into his hands. Life was easier before Cyrus. It was easier before Kira. He wishes that he could go back to a time where all that mattered was basketball. But he can’t. He’s stuck in the now, in the present. And he can’t run away from the problems. He can just run towards them. So he runs towards Kira.
TJ writes ‘Dribble’ on a white t-shirt on the morning of costume day. His board shorts and tank top are hung up in his closet together. They’d been that way ever since TJ knew that costume day was happening. He’d been so ready for it, so excited. Matching with Cyrus seemed like the best idea ever until Kira came along and crushed it.
TJ almost wants to take out the summer costume. He almost does. But instead of doing that, he just stands in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at the white t-shirt. He keeps on staring at it until it’s well past the time for him to head out to his bus stop. And then he runs out the door to catch the bus, not letting himself think back to the costume still hanging in his closet.
TJ thought that it would be easier than this.
He thought that showing up in jeans and a white t-shirt wouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is. He thinks that he can get away with it for a second, he thinks that he could just tell Cyrus that he didn’t wash the clothes, or that he lost them. But then TJ sees Cyrus with a strainer on his head and a t-shirt with an S printed on it, and TJ realizes that nothing about this would be easy. There was no easy way to break your best friends heart.
TJ runs up to him before he can talk himself out of it. It would be better for him to initiate the conversation. For him to set the story straight.
“Where’s your costume?” Cyrus asks. TJ’s hearing is cutting out. He can feel the guilt drowning him already. Would it really be such a bad thing? Would having matching costumes with Cyrus be that bad? Sure, Kira would look and gossip, but it would be worth seeing Cyrus happy, right? “Without you, this is embarrassingly straightforward.”
“Yeah, I was gonna ca--” I was gonna put the costume on, he thinks. I was gonna wear the tank top and board shorts, and I was gonna make you happy.
“C’mon, Kippen! Let’s see it!” Kira. Of course it’s Kira. She has to be here. To ruin the morning, to make TJ feel worse than he already does. Maybe he could’ve handled the whole Cyrus thing if Kira wasn’t here. But now she’s here and Cyrus can see who TJ ditched him for and TJ’s chest is suddenly getting tight and he feels the same way now as he does when he looks at a whiteboard full of numbers.
TJ feels like he’s on autopilot as he unzips his jacket. He doesn’t want to look at Cyrus, he doesn’t want to see what the other boy is feeling. But he has to. He owes Cyrus that much. “Double dribble!” Kira says the words like they’re something to celebrate. Like they’re good. But there’s nothing good about those words. There’s nothing good about the way Cyrus looks or the way TJ feels. “Get it?”
Cyrus has got his brows furrowed. He doesn’t look upset, just confused. TJ wishes he could clear all of this up for him. He wishes he could say what he feels. But his tongue feels all heavy and the back of his neck is getting sweaty and he thinks that this is the what he deserves. He deserves to feel uncomfortable for all that he’s done to Cyrus. “No, actually,” Cyrus says, his gaze going back to TJ.
“C’mon, let’s show the guys on your team.” TJ doesn’t want to show anyone this. He wants to jump in a lake and drown in it. That would feel better than anyone seeing what he’s wearing. His costume is just a reminder of how bad of a person he is.
“Sorry, last minute decision. I should’ve called.” He forces out the words. They feel like acid in his mouth. “I’m sorry,” is all he says before he’s following Kira to go show his stupid costume to everyone on the team.
TJ should’ve said more. He should’ve told Kira to give them space. He should’ve gave Cyrus a proper apology. But there was nothing he could do now.
The guilt starts to eat him alive after a few days.
Cyrus hasn’t been talking to him. Andi hasn’t even looked at him. Buffy keeps giving him the side-eye, which is somehow better than being totally ignored. The only person who’s actually spoken to him is Jonah Beck. Jonah’s either clueless about the whole situation or he’s just nice. Him and Jonah are at the park now, the same park that TJ has been at every single day since he put on that stupid shirt. TJ doesn’t even know what he wants. He keeps hoping that he’ll catch Cyrus there but he’s got no idea what he’ll do if he actually does. Would he bring up another of those raps? Would he get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness? TJ didn’t know what to do.
“What happened with Cyrus?” Jonah asks as he tosses TJ a frisbee. TJ’s blood runs cold, his skin goes all pale. So Jonah’s just nice, not completely clueless.
“What do you mean?” It’s easier to play dumb than to tell the truth.
“Costume day. He was pretty bummed out after he saw you and Kira. He ate two baskets of baby tators by himself,” Jonah says. He’s got this smile on his face, like he’s remembering something. Jonah was probably there. He was probably there to comfort Cyrus when TJ wasn’t. Of course he was. Jonah Beck was perfect. He always knew what to do, always knew what to say. Jonah Beck wouldn’t have let himself get in such a messy situation. He would’ve done the matching costume with Cyrus and he would’ve told Kira off, just like TJ wishes he had.
“Kira really wanted to do the costume,” is all TJ says. He tosses the frisbee back. Jonah catches it and then he closes the space between the two of them, stopping when he’s about a foot away from TJ.
“Cyrus did, too.”
TJ’s heart drops to his stomach. His skin feels a size too small. “Why do you care?” He shouldn’t be so mean to Jonah, not when he’s the only one that is still talking to him. But he can’t help it. He needs Jonah to drop it. He can’t be thinking about Cyrus right now, not when there was nothing he could do to fix it.
Jonah smiles, his hands going up in surrender. “I’m just saying. Cyrus deserves better than that, y’know?” TJ knows. He knows exactly what Cyrus deserves. He deserves someone who isn’t TJ, deserves someone who won’t ditch him just because he’s scared. He deserves someone like Jonah Beck.
“It’s whatever,” TJ says, wanting to change the topic. If he keeps thinking about Cyrus then he would end up feeling even more guilty than he already does.
“It’s not whatever. Has Cyrus told you yet?”
Something in TJ breaks. Why did Jonah know something that he didn’t? Suddenly he’s feeling sick and his cheeks are watering, like he’s about to throw up. Is he about to? He’s not sure. He just knows that he doesn’t feel like himself.
“Told me what?” TJ practically spits the words out, stepping back from Jonah.
“It’s not my secret to share. He’ll tell you eventually,” Jonah says. He’s smiling his signature Jonah Beck smile. TJ really feels like he’s gonna puke now. What was the secret? What was Cyrus not telling him? “Look, I gotta go. But talk to Cyrus. He misses you.” Jonah is gone before TJ can question him further. And TJ is left by himself, with just his thoughts for company. His thoughts are telling him to do one thing. Talk to Cyrus.
meet me at the park?
That was a perfectly acceptable text, right?
Cyrus texts back almost immediately.
okay.
Now all TJ had to do was wait.
The wait was shorter than TJ had expected. Cyrus arrives within minutes.
“Underdog,” TJ greets. His voice barely carries. Cyrus flinches like TJ has just punched him.
“What did you need?” Cyrus’ voice is carefully controlled, as if he’s trying hard not to say something.
“I just wanted to talk. About costume day,” TJ says quickly. TJ doesn’t know why he thought he could do this. He doesn’t know why he would even want to. It’d be easier to never talk to Cyrus again, to just forget all of this. To forget about Cyrus. But TJ doesn’t want to forget Cyrus.
“It’s been four days.”
TJ laughs, just to try and lighten the situation up. It doesn’t seem to work. “I know. But I just wanted to say sorry. Properly. I’m sorry.” That was what Cyrus wanted, right? This apology would fix the rift between them. It had to.
“Is that all?”
No. Nonononono. TJ thought that Cyrus would forgive him, he thought that they could go back to being friends. To being close. “I…” TJ doesn’t know what to say. He wasn’t prepared for this. “No. It’s not. The reason I didn’t do the costume with you was because…” Was this it? Would TJ really tell the truth to Cyrus?
No. The answer’s no.
“I’m not that kind of guy.” It’s half of the truth. TJ isn’t gay. He’s not. He can’t be. But he can tell Cyrus that he’s not gay, right? “I’m not gay.”
TJ realizes that he’s made a mistake when he sees the way that that Cyrus is looking at him. Cyrus doesn’t look happy, he doesn’t look relieved to know the truth. He looks horrified. He looks disgusted. “You’re not gay,” Cyrus repeats.
TJ forces a smile onto his face. Having a smile on was better than showing what he was actually feeling. TJ was scared and he hated being scared. “No. I’m not. And if people saw us in those matching costumes, they’d think that I was. You get why I couldn’t do it, right?”
Cyrus nods, his arms crossed over his chest. “Yeah, I get it.”
Relief washes over TJ. He must've misread Cyrus’s expression, he had to have. Cyrus understands. He understands that TJ couldn’t be seen like that.
“But I am.”
TJ freezes. There’s a lump in his throat, one that he can barely swallow around.
“You don’t have to worry about looking like you’re gay. You don’t have to worry about anything involving me,” Cyrus says. And then he turns around, walking far, far away from TJ. TJ doesn’t go after him. Instead he just sits there, feeling worse than ever. Cyrus was gay. TJ’s feelings had been justified. But then TJ messed everything up by opening his damn mouth.
A week passes. TJ avoids everyone, even Jonah Beck.
Buffy comes after him in the middle of the second week.
“You need to apologize,” she says, stealing his basketball away from him.
“For what?”
Buffy’s eyes narrow. She knows what. He knows what. Everyone in the world knows that TJ Kippen has to apologize for.
“Whatever you did to Cyrus, fix it.”
TJ’s eyebrows furrow. She didn’t know? Cyrus didn’t tell her? “What did I do?” he asks, just to see if she knows. TJ can’t find a reason why she wouldn’t. Cyrus tells her and Andi everything. He’d assumed that they’d all know what happened by now.
Buffy shakes her head. “He won’t tell me. But you need to fix it.” Buffy tosses the ball at his chest. TJ barely catches it. She was right. He needed to fix what happened between him and Cyrus.
TJ arrives at Cyrus’s front door at five in the afternoon that day. He’s in the same clothes from basketball practice. He’s still sweaty, half from basketball and half from running to Cyrus’s house. Cyrus is the one who opens the door.
He looks shocked to see TJ there. “What are you--”
TJ shoves his way in. He kicks off his shoes, “We need to talk.”
“I’m in the middle of dinner.”
“Now, Cyrus.” It must’ve been the use of his first name that gets him. Cyrus is leading TJ to his room, shutting the door behind him. TJ doesn’t think that he’s ever seen Cyrus look smaller.
“What is it?” Cyrus is obviously uncomfortable. And TJ feels bad, he really does. But he needs to get everything out before he can leave. And he needs to do it now, when he’s all full of adrenaline from running.
“What I said the other day, it wasn’t right of me. It wasn’t right, period. It’s not bad to be gay,” TJ’s rambling. And Cyrus knows it, too, but he’s still letting TJ speak. “I should’ve done that costume with you. I shouldn’t have done anything with Kira. I made a commitment to you and I should’ve followed through with it.”
“So why didn’t you?” Cyrus interrupts. TJ starts to pace, his heart beating out of his chest. This wasn’t a good idea. He shouldn’t have come here, he shouldn’t have opened his mouth. But now that he’s started, he can’t stop. It’s like he’s a tornado. He can’t stop until he’s taken out everything in his path, he can’t stop talking until he’s said all that he can.
The words are just flowing out of him now, “I had that idea in my head for weeks. Weeks, Cyrus! I had the board shorts and tank top washed and ironed the moment I found out about the costume day. I had every intention to go through with it. But then Kira got in my head and she made me feel so… Bad. Just bad. And it was like I didn’t have a choice, it was like I had to dress up with her to prove that I wasn’t gay. But I… I think I am. Maybe a little bit. I’m not sure. I’ve never felt like this about someone. It’s only you, so maybe it’s not a gay thing. It could just be a you thing.” He’s talking as fast as he can, the words all bleeding together.
Cyrus stands up. “Go back.”
TJ freezes. “What?”
“Repeat what you said.”
“About what?” TJ can’t. It was a one and done sort of thing.
“About me.”
TJ swallows hard and then he turns towards Cyrus. “I like you. I’ve always liked you.”
“So why didn’t you do the costume with me? What did she say?” TJ wasn’t expecting that. He’s not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that.
“She talked about me doing a costume with a boy like it was a bad thing.”
“Is it?”
“Is it what?” TJ asks. His heart is still beating like crazy.
“A bad thing.” TJ thought that it was. He thought that being attracted to Cyrus was the worst thing imaginable. But he knew that wasn’t true now. Cyrus being angry and disgusted by him was the worst thing imaginable. “No. It’s not,” he answers. He takes a seat on Cyrus’ bed, just so that he can try and calm himself down a little bit. His head falls into his hands and he feels the same as he did all those weeks ago. He feels sick and scared and unsure of himself.
Cyrus is quiet for a few minutes. TJ feels the bed dip next to him. “I like you too,” is all Cyrus says. His voice is so quiet that TJ almost doesn’t hear it.
TJ looks up. “You do?”
“Always have.”
“Why?” is all TJ asks.
It seems like it’s Cyrus’ time to be unsure. “W-why? What do you mean?”
“Why me? Why not Jonah Beck?”
Cyrus chuckles, just for a moment. “It actually was Jonah, at least for a little bit. And then you came along and he suddenly wasn’t everything anymore.”
TJ doesn’t know how he got to this point. He doesn’t know how he managed to get himself to admit that he likes a guy. But he’s glad that he did. With Cyrus by his side, everything seems a little bit more possible.
TJ walks into school with Cyrus the next morning.
They’re holding hands. People gape and gossip, but TJ knows what he’s not. He’s not the type of guy to care about what other people think, not when he’s got the boy he loves standing next to him.