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Cyrus isn’t sure what he expected.
When TJ had come to him with the matching costume idea, he’d been ecstatic. Cyrus had gone straight home and stolen his step mothers strainer. Or maybe is was his mothers. He could never be too sure who it belonged to. He’d found a white shirt in the back of his closet and he’d painted a black S on it with his step fathers-- his father's?-- paints. He’d had everything planned out perfectly. Nothing could go wrong. Even if his costume ended up sucking or TJ’s ended up being horrible, it would still end up amazing because they’d still be doing it together. That was all Cyrus really wanted. To be in some form of together with TJ. He’d take platonic, he’d take romantic, he’d take anything, just as long as he was with TJ.
Cyrus had found out he was gay with Jonah Beck, but it was TJ who’d solidified it. It was TJ that had helped him really come to terms with who he was. TJ was just so sweet, and he was always there for Cyrus. The crush just formed randomly. One day, little things like TJ’s smile and the way he shot a basket just started making Cyrus happier and happier. And somehow, Cyrus found himself crushing on TJ. Hard.
But Cyrus can never tell TJ this. Never. Cyrus hasn’t even told Jonah about the crush that had, even though that crush was well and done. Sure, he’d come out to Jonah, but that was different than admitting that Jonah was the reason he’d realized he was gay. Cyrus imagined that one day he’d come out to TJ, too. And he was sure that it would go just as well as it did with Jonah. TJ would support him and Cyrus would just love him even more after that. Wait, love? Did Cyrus love him? Maybe a little bit. Just a tiny bit.
On the morning of Costume Day, Cyrus has his step mother help him get the strainer on his head just right. Not that it matters, since it would be misplaced at the end of the day. But he still wants it to look good for the morning. He wants it to look good when TJ sees him.
Cyrus can imagine TJ now. He was probably in a light colored tank top, board shorts that matched, and black flip flops. He probably threw on some sunglasses too, just to add to the look. That was just the kind of guy TJ was.
Cyrus leaves his house that morning with a smile on his face.
There was no way anything could go wrong. If they failed at the costume then they failed together and they’d be able to laugh about it together, too. Everything would go well.
The smile quickly fades away when he sees TJ. He’d expected board shorts and flip flops, not jeans and sneakers. TJ was wearing what he was wearing everyday. Had he forgotten that today was Costume Day?
“Where’s your costume?” Cyrus asks, not even trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. TJ was shifting around on his feet. He didn’t look like the confident TJ that Cyrus knew. Right now, he just looked awkward. There was something off about him but Cyrus couldn’t tell what it was. “Without you, this is embarrassingly straightforward.”
The wince on TJ’s face almost makes Cyrus feel guilty. Maybe he shouldn’t be so harsh. The forgotten costume was probably just a mistake. Cyrus could forgive a mistake.
“Yeah, I was gonna ca--” TJ starts, but he never finishes.
Kira walks up next to TJ. She’s close to him, so damn close. Cyrus isn’t sure how to feel. He’s got no ownership over TJ, so it shouldn’t matter. But something in his stomach still twists up. He feels like he’s just done a somersault. His stomach is flipping over and over, as if it knew something he didn’t.
“C’mon Kippen! Let’s see it!” Kira exclaims. She unzips her jacket before TJ does. The word ‘Dribble’ is written across her chest. Cyrus’s stomach sinks.
Cyrus watches as TJ unzips his own jacket. Dribble. Of course. TJ didn’t forget his costume. He just traded it in for a new one. Cyrus shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. He doesn’t even feel hurt, really. It’s more of a shock. Cyrus thought they were closer than this, he thought they were really going to match.
“Double dribble!” she says. Cyrus feels like an idiot in his salt costume. He glances around, trying to look anywhere but at TJ. So many people around them had on matching costumes. Just like what TJ and him would’ve had. “Get it?”
“No, actually.” Cyrus says it like his heart doesn’t feel like it’s being torn from his chest. Was this a normal feeling? Did everyone feel like this after their friend ditched them?
Kira ignores him entirely. She grabs onto TJ’s arm, “C’mon, let’s show the guys on your team,” she says to TJ. It’s like Cyrus isn’t even there. It’s like he’s an abandoned salt shaker on the table.
“Sorry, last minute decision. I should’ve called,” TJ says as he’s pulled along. Cyrus isn’t even sure if he wants to hear it. TJ’s apologies didn’t mean anything anymore. “I’m sorry.”
Cyrus forces his legs to move. He drags himself over to Buffy and Andi and he lets them paint his face gray, feeling sorry for himself the entire time.
Cyrus goes straight to The Spoon after school.
Buffy and Andi are with him. The space that TJ sometimes sits in is filled by Jonah instead. An experience that Cyrus has everyday suddenly feels warped and wrong. Even Andi and Buffy ask what’s happened, as if they didn’t see TJ walk off in the wrong costume with the wrong person.
“TJ happened,” Cyrus says, shoving another baby tator in his mouth. He had skipped lunch today, since he just felt too off to eat. He’s not even really hungry now, he’s just trying to distract himself from TJ.
Buffy scoffs. “His and Kira’s costumes weren’t even good. They drew on their shirts with black sharpies. Big deal,” she says. Cyrus is sure that she’s trying to make him feel better but it isn’t working as well as she wants it to.
When Cyrus doesn’t say anything, Buffy winces. “Too soon?”
Cyrus just nods, leaning his head against his hand. Jonah pours more baby tators in his basket. “Am I missing something here?” Jonah asks. “Why can’t you talk to him about this? You shouldn’t have to sit here and be upset while he’s out there doing whatever he wants.”
Cyrus shakes his head, his stomach going in knots again. “It’s not worth it. TJ made his choice.”
Andi and Buffy start talking about Marty. Cyrus mopes and eats more baby tators. And Jonah just watches intently, his brow furrowed in concern the entire time.
Cyrus doesn’t expect the text from TJ when it comes.
It’s been a few days since Costume Day. TJ hadn’t apologized properly that first day, so Cyrus didn’t expect him to apologize at all. But then he texts Cyrus asking to meet him at the park and Cyrus was already walking there anyways, so it wouldn’t hurt to meet up with him and just talk to him, just for a little bit.
So Cyrus texts back ‘okay’ and he’s at the park within five minutes, standing by the swing set. The swing set brought back memories for him. Of course it does. This was his and TJ’s spot, it was where they first talked for real.
“Underdog,” TJ says. Cyrus takes a step back. He can’t be called Underdog right now, not when he’s still mad at TJ.
Cyrus tries to keep his voice even. He tries to keep himself from asking all of the questions that come to his head. “What did you need?” He wants to ask TJ why he did it. Why he switched costumes without saying anything. He had to have a good reason, right?
“I just wanted to talk. About Costume Day,” TJ says. He’s talking about it casually, as if it was just another day that had happened.
“It’s been four days,” Cyrus responds dryly. He didn’t want to talk if TJ was just going to make excuses. Cyrus just didn’t have the energy in him. Not today. But then TJ laughs and suddenly Cyrus has got energy, suddenly he’s got time. Suddenly he can sit here and listen to TJ break his heart all over again.
“I know. But I just wanted to say sorry. Properly. I’m sorry,” TJ says. It’s like he really, honestly thinks that a simple ‘I’m sorry’ was going to fix this.
“Is that all?”
He’s caught TJ off guard, he knows he has. TJ shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He glances around like he’s looking for a way out. “No. It’s not. The reason I didn’t do the costume with you was because,” TJ pauses, just for a second. Cyrus holds his breath, “I’m not that kind of guy. I’m not gay.”
Of all of the excuses he’d expected to hear, that wasn't one of them. He never thought he’d hear something like that come out of TJ’s mouth. Cyrus steps back slightly. “You’re not gay,” Cyrus says. He can’t process the words. What did being gay have to do with anything?
TJ was smiling. He was smiling while Cyrus got his heart shattered. “No. I’m not. And if people saw us in those matching costumes, they’d think that I was. You get why I couldn’t do it, right?” TJ is looking at Cyrus like he expects him to understand. Cyrus can hardly hear anything over the loud pounding in his ears. It’s his own heartbeat, he thinks.
Cyrus finds himself nodding. “Yeah, I get it,” he says. He can feel the words crawling up his throat. He can taste the confession on the tip of his tongue. Never in a million years did he think that he would be coming out to TJ like this but apparently he was. “But I am.”
Cyrus can feel the tension in the air. He can see it as the smile drops from TJ’s face.
Cyrus never talks like this. Not with anyone. Especially not with TJ. But he can’t keep the harsh tone out of his voice as he says, “You don’t have to worry about looking like you’re gay. You don’t have to worry about anything involving me.” And Cyrus walks away after. Cyrus didn’t think it was possible for TJ to break his heart more than he already had but TJ still managed to do it.
Everyone notices that there’s something off with Cyrus.
He’s always been the consistent one, the stable one. Whenever Buffy got scared about her mom, he was always there. Whenever Andi got scared about Jonah, he was there. The point is, Cyrus is always there. He’s always the one to comfort them.
They’re at The Spoon when Buffy points it out. It’s only the Good Hair Crew today, no Jonah. No TJ, either, but that’s a give in. Buffy and Andi had been talking about Marty again. When they’d turned towards Cyrus to ask about his opinion, he’d been zoned out, staring at a tile on the floor.
“What’s bothering you, Cyrus?” Buffy never sounds this soft. It’s the tone she reserves for when someone is crying. Cyrus definitely isn’t crying right now but then he hears that soft, soft voice of Buffy’s and the saliva starts to get thick in his mouth.
“Nothing,” is all he says.
“Tell us what it is,” Andi says, pushing the basket of baby tators closer to him.
Cyrus can’t even look at the baby tators. He wipes at his eyes. “It’s nothing,” he says, sitting up straight. He starts to talk about Marty before either of them could ask what’s wrong again.
Cyrus won’t tell them what’s wrong. He can’t. It’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to be hurt by something so small, but his sexuality is a big part of his identity. TJ made being gay sound like it was a bad thing. Cyrus had never felt more ashamed of himself as he had in that moment. TJ was his friend. He was supposed to be supportive and accepting. He wasn’t supposed to ditch Cyrus in fear of looking gay in front of everyone.
Cyrus zones out of the conversation again. He doesn’t hear Buffy whispering to Andi about her plans to talk to TJ.
A week and a half after his talk with TJ, someone knocks on his door at exactly 5:05 PM. Cyrus is the one who answers it.
It can’t be Buffy or Andi, since they would have texted before coming over. It was probably a guy who worked for FedEx. He opens the door, fully expecting a guy in a uniform to greet him. But that’s not what he gets.
Instead of a guy in a FedEx uniform, he gets a sweaty TJ. TJ’s hair was all over the place, messier than Cyrus had ever seen it. “What are you--” TJ pushes past Cyrus. TJ is constantly moving, hopping from one foot another every other second. He’s breathing real hard, as if he’d just ran a mile.
“We need to talk,” TJ says. Cyrus can’t believe him. How could he just come to his door after everything that had happened? How could he barge in so confidently with no warning at all?
“I’m in the middle of dinner.”
“Now, Cyrus.” Cyrus… TJ hasn’t called him that in a long time. Not since before the swing set. Cyrus gulps and then he heads to his room, looking like a child that had been scolded. His shoulders are slouched as he shuts the door behind the two of them.
“What is it?” Cyrus asks quietly, barely looking at TJ. Was TJ going to be rude again? Had he come back to insult Cyrus?
“What I said the other day, it wasn’t right of me. It wasn’t right, period. It’s not bad to be gay. I should’ve done that costume with you. I shouldn’t have done anything with Kira. I made a commitment to you and I should’ve followed through with it.” TJ’s speaking as if he can’t get the words out fast enough. It’s almost impressive. This feels like a proper apology. If TJ had done anything else, Cyrus would’ve forgave him right then and there. But this was different. It was serious. And Cyrus still has questions.
“So why didn’t you?” he asks, his eyes trained on TJ. TJ’s confident and calm demeanor breaks. He starts to walks from side to side, not looking at Cyrus once.
“I had that idea in my head for weeks. Weeks, Cyrus! I had the board shorts and tank top washed and ironed the moment I found out about the costume day. I had every intention to go through with it. But then Kira got in my head and she made me feel so… Bad. Just bad. And it was like I didn’t have a choice, it was like I had to dress up with her to prove that I wasn’t gay. But I… I think I am. Maybe a little bit. I’m not sure. I’ve never felt like this about someone. It’s only you, so maybe it’s not a gay thing. It could just be a you thing.” TJ was talking so fast that Cyrus almost missed the little confession. He wishes he actually missed it, just so he would’ve had a real reason for TJ to repeat it. Right now, he just wants TJ to repeat it so that he could confirm what he’s heard. So that he could indulge in a fantasy, just for a second.
“Go back,” Cyrus says, standing as he speaks.
TJ’s eyes find his. He looks scared. “What?”
“Repeat what you said.” Cyrus had to hear it again. Just one more time. He needed to know that he wasn’t just imagining this.
“About what?” TJ was stalling. He had to be. There was no way he didn’t know what Cyrus was talking about.
“About me.”
“I like you. I’ve always liked you.” The moment Cyrus hears those words, Cyrus is sure that he’s died. He’s died and went to Heaven. He had to have. There was no universe where basketball star TJ Kippen could be gay.
Cyrus regains his composure before he can freak out too much. “So why didn’t you do the costume with me? What did she say?”
“She talked about me doing a costume with a boy like it was a bad thing.”
“Is it?” Cyrus needs to know. He needs to know if TJ still feels the same as he did before.
“Is it what?”
“A bad thing,” Cyrus clarifies. He’ll get this answer and then he’ll allow himself to freak out, just a little bit.
TJ sits down as he speaks. “No. It’s not.” It’s like a ten pound weight has been lifted off of his chest. TJ didn’t think that being gay was a bad thing. That was all Cyrus needed to know. He takes a seat next to TJ.
“I like you too.” Cyrus almost doesn’t want to say it. He’s not sure if he should, not after all that had happened. But TJ seemed like he needed to know.
The way TJ looks up at him makes all of this fighting worth it. TJ looks at Cyrus like he’s the only thing that matters. “You do?”
“Always have.”
“Why?”
Cyrus goes pink. Why? How was he supposed to answer that? How could you justify a crush on someone? “W-why? What do you mean?”
“Why me? Why not Jonah Beck?”
Jonah Beck. That brought back old memories. Cyrus chuckles, leaning into TJ’s side. “It actually was Jonah, at least for a little bit. And then you came along and he suddenly wasn’t everything anymore.” It’s odd to talk about this. To talk about a crush on a boy so openly. But he wasn’t afraid anymore, not when he was next to TJ.
The next day at school is scary.
Maybe it’s not so scary for TJ, but Cyrus is terrified. He’s not sure how TJ does it. TJ carries himself so confidently, as if he ran the world and everyone else just lived in it. Cyrus is the opposite. He hates the attention, he hates all of the judgmental whispers. He tries to pull his hand away from TJ’s a couple of times but TJ keeps his grip tight. Cyrus only realizes how truly nervous TJ was after the first few times he tried to pull his hand away. TJ was scared, too. He just knew how to hide it.
TJ being so confident made the whole thing a little bit easier on Cyrus. It’s easier to put up a front when someone is doing it with you. So Cyrus does just that. He puts on a mask and he holds his boyfriends hand as they walk down the hall, not focusing on anyone except for TJ. TJ was all that mattered afterall. He was the only person that had ever mattered.