Chapter Text
"Detective Lassiter!" Juliet ran over to the grumpy head detective's desk. "There's a new case, and I want to head it."
"No."
"Yes! C'mon, please! You still owe me one!"
"Oh yeah? From what?"
"Last week I did all your paperwork so that you could go on dates with that barista. You seriously need to find a girlfriend."
Lassiter grimaced and clenched his fist. "Damn it. Fine. What's the case?"
"One condition: you can't help me. You can't even look at the file. The only information you get is from me. If you can't agree to that, I won't even tell you what it's about."
Lassiter bit his bottom lip. "Fine."
"Two different people have been stabbed. With scissors."
"How do they know it was scissors?"
"There was hair in the stab wounds. Also there were two holes like they were open scissors."
"Hair?" Lassiter curled his lip.
"Yup. And the scissors were stolen from the local barber's."
"Harrison? The ex-policeman?"
"Yeah." Lassiter and Juliet nodded in unison.
"Anything connecting the two vics?"
"Yeah, they were two private detectives."
Lassiter sat up a little straighter. "Is, I dunno..." He frowned. "Shawn in danger?"
"Maybe, why do you ask?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Maybe we could use him as bait or something." Lassiter shrugged and repressed the strange niggling feeling of worry that he was not used to having about people.
"Aw, are you worried about Shawn?" Juliet punched him.
Damn her for being so perceptive. "No. I was serious about the bait thing. I was kind of hoping that I could stab him first, though."
"Anyway, no helping me, I'm locking up the file, and I've told everyone to not give you any information. And I'm not letting Shawn help me either because he would probably just tell you at your lunches."
"We were not having lunch when we were investigating the Monarch Lodge."
"Right. Admit it; you've grown accustomed to him. I could go as far as saying you might even be his friend."
Lassiter snorted and went back to his work.
Meanwhile, at Psych headquarters, Gus was having a similar conversation with Shawn.
"Shawn, next case we get, I'm doing it."
"What?"
"I'm part of this business, and you almost always get the credit. One case, Shawn."
"This is very unlike you Gus, how many fingers am I holding up?" He raised two fingers and Gus slapped them away with a scowl.
"Ok, it's just that..." Gus groaned. "My new girlfriend, Jamie, is obsessed with detective stories, and I thought it would impress her. So you can't help me or anything. I'll hide the files, all the information."
"Fine."
"I'll hide it at my parents' house."
Shawn punched his knee. "Damn."
"Promise?" Gus stuck out his pinkie.
"Are we three years old?"
"Promise?" Gus shook his pinkie. Shawn sighed and did the sacred pinkie promise ritual.
"Alright, alright! Now, let's head down to HQ to get you a case." Shawn slapped his knees and jumped off the wheelie chair.
"Alright, but you get shotgun." Gus tore out of the office and into the Blueberry.
They arrived at the SBPD headquarters quickly enough. They would've been faster, but Shawn insisted on stopping for pineapple smoothies. Twice.
"Shawn! What're you doing here?" Lassiter and Julia were heading down the steps
"We were wondering if you had any cases. Gus, actually."
"What, is it sidekick week?"
"I am not a sidekick!" Juliet and Gus shouted at the same time.
"You too?" Gus asked.
"Yeah. I've actually got a case. Shawn can't help me, but if you're working by yourself, we can partner up. As long as you don't tell the boys."
"We're right here you know." Shawn gestured.
"Hey, why don't we leave psychic and grumpy pants and go look over this case."
"Fine, we'll just have our own party." Shawn put his arm around Lassiter who quickly pushed his arm off.
"Ok. Bye!" Gus and Julia walked back into the police department.
"We need to get those files." Lassiter grabbed Shawn's shoulders. "I will not have O'hara solve a case faster than me."
"And I just want to beat Gus. Wanna go get coffee? I would say smoothies, but I already had two and smoothies are way too happy for you." Lassiter blinked quickly. Was Shawn asking him out? That would be really weird. A little voice inside of him said that it totally wouldn't be weird, but all his instincts said it would be.
"It would be like a date." Shawn waggled his eyebrows and sidled up to him.
"Do that again and I will shoot you in the crotch." Lassiter's hand went threateningly to his holster.
"Alright, alright, party pooper. Let's go get coffee."
Lassiter felt oddly out of place in the tiny Blueberry.
"You know, you should loosen up a little, c'mon." Shawn elbowed Lassiter. "My psychic senses are telling me you're thinking 'this car is so small, but being in such close proximity with Shawn is hot.'"
"Spencer I have a gun."
"Anyway, anyway, don't shoot me. Just tell me what the murders were about so I can get a psychic reading about it." The rest of the car ride Lassiter explained the case.
"Wait, so, Edward scissor hands?"
"What?"
"The movie, Lassie. Were you raised in a cave?" The two exited the Blueberry and sat down at Shawn's favorite coffee shop.
"What'll you be having?" A pretty waitress walked over.
"I'll have a mocha, and he'll have a coffee, three creams four sugars."
"Alrighty! Will that be all?"
"Yup. Now, tell me more about this case." Shawn stretched himself out.
"What if I didn't want my usual order?"
"You did, now tell me about the case."
Lassiter frowned and was about to start speaking, but Shawn's phone began ringing. "Sorry, one sec. Yello?"
"Shawn! I got the files, and I'd like you to know that we're making headway." Shawn heard Juliet go "yeah!" in the background. "We're going to check out the crime scene now. Just know that I hid the files at my parents' house."
"Stop rubbing it in, Burton Big-head."
"Bye, Shawn."
"Lassie. You, me, my office, now."
Lassiter nearly spit out his coffee. Did everything Shawn say have to be innuendo? Or maybe that was just him.
"What?"
"Gus said he just hid the files at his parents' house, but I know that he hid it in the Psych office."
"What, how?"
Shawn put his finger up to his temple. "A little bit of my third eye." In reality he had heard some waves breaking. Gus' parents lived very far inland, and the Psych office was an oceanfront.
Shawn broke the speed limit the entire drive back to the office, and Lassiter pretended not to realize for the sake of competition.
"So, Gus'll be back soon. If there's blood, he's probably thrown up and contaminated the crime scene. Considering the P.I was stabbed by scissors, there'll be blood. Juliet hates puke ever since you threw up on her in that boat, so they'll be back soon. We'll have to be gone before that, so we have about ten minutes." He crashed through the door. "Seven, maybe."
"Well, let's get searching already!" The two began ransacking the place.
"What the hell? I've searched every single nook and cranny in this office." Lassiter punched the wall.
"And I can't find anything either." Suddenly, Shawn's eyes opened wide. He had heard the crackle of gravel, and checked the window. "Shit! Gus is here!"
"Is there a back entrance?" Lassiter frantically began searching the walls.
"It doesn't matter, even if we did, Gus has seen the Blueberry, and he knows you're with me." Shawn grabbed Lassiter by the shoulders and stared him in the eyes.
"Take off your shirt," he murmured.
"What the hell, Spencer? Now is not the time for a confession of love or sexual attraction or whatever." At least, that's what he thought. His mouth didn't work well enough to actually say it.
"He's about to get in!" Shawn grabbed Lassiter's shirt and ripped it open. "I apologize in advance." He grabbed Lassiter's handcuffs and cuffed him to the table leg.
"Oh, are you making it look like I was attacked and the place ransacked? Good idea, Spencer."
Shawn grimaced. "Not exactly." The door opened, and in a millisecond Shawn straddled the detective and kissed him. Not a half-assed kiss either, but a full on make out, tongue and all.
"Shawn!" Gus shouted angrily. "I know you're in here! With Lass -- oh my god." Gus stopped at the door with a horrified expression on his faces.
"Gus!" Shawn laughed nervously, but didn't get off of Lassiter. "Care to join us?"
"Shawn, what the hell?" Gus shielded his eyes. "Do you mind, I dunno, getting decent?"
"Umm..." At this point Shawn was really distressed because of Lassiter's very real and obvious arousal. "Well, um, Gus. I can't exactly, you know, stand up." He raised his eyebrows and smiled awkwardly.
"Stand. The. Hell. Up." Gus glared at them while trying to not look at them.
Shawn leaned down to whisper in Lassiter's ears. "Umm, where're your keys?"
Lassiter swallowed uncomfortably. "At the station."
"Gus, can you pick a lock?"
"Why -- oh, Jesus." Gus noticed the handcuffs. "Please tell me that this is some sick joke."
"Well, we were actually looking for the file, but then we got... Distracted." Shawn gestured to Lassiter who had been shimmying around to get out of the cuffs, and began making it so that Shawn couldn't stand up either without something to cover himself.
"Shawn, we are having a conversation about this later, right now--"
"Gus, what's taking so long?" Juliet began entering through the door. Shawn shook his head quickly.
"Nothing! Just ratting out Shawn and Lassiter for looking for the files even though they pinkie promised not to."
"What?" Lassiter whispered. "Pinkie promised?"
"Shut up, Lassie we have more important things to handle, I think I can stand up now." He cautiously stood up, pressing a palm to his crotch and wincing.
"Sorry for not telling you, Gus." Shawn spread out his arms and hugged the immobile pharmacist.
"How long, Shawn?"
"Just a bit longer than a week."
"Spen--Shawn!" Lassiter shouted from the floor. "More pressing issues at hand?" He jiggled the cuffs.
"I should have a saw in the lockers." Gus and Lassiter looked at him as if he was crazy.
"Thanks, but no. These are my favorite handcuffs."
"Well, I can't cut the table leg."
Five minutes later, a pissed off Gus walked out of the office.
"The hell took you so long?" Jules furrowed her brow as she looked at Shawn walking out, slightly uncomfortable. Then Lassiter walked out, his hands handcuffed in front of him, holding his shirt that was torn, and wearing a button-up that was most certainly not his. "Are you wearing... Shawn's shirt?"
Lassiter pursed his lips. "Yes."
"How did your shirt rip? Why? What?"
"Okay, so, Lassie here was drinking coffee when Gus came in and started yelling. Lassie spilt it on himself. Gus started yelling at us, and I gave Lassie one of the shirts I keep in my locker just in case. Then, Gus got really pissed, stole his handcuffs, and handcuffed him to the table. However, the keys are at the SBPD. So we pulled the table leg over the handcuffs."
"Yeah, haha!" Gus laughed. "Exactly what happened."
"Well, I'll be going to the SBPD to get the keys with O'hara. Spencer. Gus." Lassiter nodded and the two left, leaving Shawn and Gus to have a few minutes of awkward silence before Shawn burst out.
"Gus, you cannot tell anyone."
"What was that?" Gus whirled around. "You know I don't swear, but, seriously. What. The. Hell. In the office?"
"If it makes you feel any better, I was going to sanitize the floor."
"No, Shawn. It does not! How many times?"
"How many times what?" Shawn tilted his head.
"How many times have you..." Gus clapped his hands together. "In the office?"
"Oh, all the time." Shawn suppressed a grin at Gus's horror. "Yeah, we go in there and clap all the--"
"Shawn!"
"Ok, ok, fine. This was the first time. I swear on... pineapples. And Magnum P.I. And we didn't even get to do anything." It seemed that Gus was going to scold some more, but just then Shawn's phone rang out.
"Yello?"
"Spencer!"
"Lassie!" Shawn beamed at the cell phone.
"We're going to have to talk about this. Now!"
"Okay, I'll be at your house right away."
"What?" Lassiter shouted. He had just gotten the handcuffs off, and because he refused to explain why he showed up in the SBPD in someone else's shirt and in handcuffs, rumors had begun to spread already. Obviously, he was pissed off.
"Well, it can't be the coffee shop, we were just there, and Gus will never let you into the office, oh, probably ever, and I haven't had time to clean up my apartment." Shawn winked at the already uncomfortable Gus.
"Fine, I'll be right there, you dick."
"Love you too!" Shawn made a kissing noise and ended the call.
"Who was that?" McNab stopped as he was walking by Lassiter. "Did they say 'love you too'?"
"Mind your own business, McNab," Lassiter growled.
"Was it... A man?" McNab persisted, although he feared for his life.
"Listen here." Lassiter grabbed McNab's shoulder and slowly dug in his fingers. "If I wasn't in a police department I would shoot you. Now, mind your own business!"
"Yessir!" McNab scampered off, and Lassiter could already feel the rumor spreading.
"I really need to make my cell phone quieter," he muttered.
When he arrived at his house, he was met with a surprise. "Spencer? How did you get in?"
The pseudo-psychic lounged on the couch and put his finger to his temple lazily. "My psychic senses are telling me you didn't realize I stole your key and made a copy of -- oof!" Shawn held his jaw tenderly.
"That was for handcuffing me to a table and making Gus think we're in a --" Lassiter shivered "relationship."
"Don't worry, Lassie. Gus is great at keeping secrets!"
"Gus literally tells me all your secrets. Other than how you're not a psychic, but we all know that. The only person worse than Gus is O'hara. Who, by the way, told me that you once broke into her house only wearing heart boxers."
"It was for a case. Don't be jealous, you'll get to see them too." Shawn waggled his eyebrows and Lassiter was torn between shooting him and stradling him.
"You have 5 seconds to explain why I shouldn't kick you out of my house."
"If I hadn't quick thought both Gus and Juliet would've been super pissed off and probably done something terrible to us, and also you wouldn't have gotten such a good view of the Spencenator. I am never calling myself that again."
Lassiter glared at him, but pushed his feet off the couch and sat down.
"Also I need to stay the night because I implied to Gus that I would be well, uh, sleeping over." Lassiter glared some more. "So he's using it for a party or something, and I can't stay with my dad again because he'll a) start complaining and b) somehow spill the beans to Gus. We can tell them about it after this whole case fiasco."
Lassiter put his face in his hands and said something in a muffled voice.
"What was that now?"
"Fine!" Lassiter shouted. "But no weird boners."
"Oh, you're blaming me?" Shawn raised his eyebrows. "Me? I'm not the person that went to boner city the moment I was handcuffed to a table and straddled. I had the decency to wait a few minutes."
"It was a biological reaction. Something was rubbing down there and I had no -- why am I explaining myself to you?"
"Because we're fake dating and you fake love me."
"'Fake' is the keyword. Now, good night, Spencer." Shawn stood up and made a move to follow Lassiter. "You. Couch."
Shawn grumbled and sat down on the couch. "You don't mind driving me to the SBPD tomorrow morning, right? I don't have the Blueberry."
"Why don't we just get engaged while we're at it? You know what? Don't answer that."
"Goodnight, Lassie!"
"Stay on your couch, Spencer." Lassiter growled and slammed the door to his room.