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Everything is not the same anymore. The universe used to hold its breath every time he sang. The crinkles of fallen leaves used to be soundless when he walked by. He was that precious.
Now, even only the thought of him makes your head go crazy. Too loud. Too chaotic.
Where are you, Jae?
Every places you go, they reminded you of him. Of both of you and how you two were and could have been.
How are you, Jae?
You walked out on him through the door. But he walked out from your heart beforehand. No, you were not in love with him and he was not too. You both grew apart even when you both still close to each other but your hearts were not.
Maybe it was true what people said. Everything has an expiration date. And maybe your love and Jae's were beyond the expiration date.
You walked out on him on your fourth anniversary, the day he did the thing out of desperation to fix the relationship. He thought it will fix everything, but no, for you it was not. What's lost is lost.
On the date you should have celebrated your 5th anniversary, you missed him more than how you missed him any other days.
Your thought was full with should-haves and ifs. What you should have done that time to make Jae and you worked out. Would it be better if you did or didn't do certain things?
But those will always be left as unanswered questions.
You walked in to the coffee shop you and Jae frequently went to. The smell ignited a certain memories you two shared. That time when everything was fine. And when everything was not.
"I don't know about you but I'm really really reaaaally hungry and I need coffee."
"We just walked for a bit, Jae. Why are you so whiny?"
"A bit? A bit you said? Babe, take look at your watch. We've been walking for almost 2 hours."
You looked at your watch on your wrist and realized that Jae was right. You looked up to him with a grin on your face.
"Sorry.. I don't realize."
He shook his head and slung his arm on your shoulders.
"You're lucky I like you."
"Just 'like'? This whole time I thought you worship me, Jae."
"I worship God and our future daughters," he pulled you by the neck to the nearest café that looked decent in that part of town, "now feed me, woman!"
You both settled down on the table in the corner of the cafe. After picking out foods, you wanted to tease him about that 'daughters' comment that surprised you.
"By the way, daughters? Why are you so sure about me having a child with you, let alone children?"
"Why wouldn't you?!" he had an audacity to look offended.
"Maybe I'll find someone who's cuter than you later on the street and throw you away."
He clutched his heart like you just stabbed him with an invisible dagger.
"I'm the cutest-est-est human being on Earth like you wouldn't find a person who's cuter than me! Ever!"
"Wonpil's cuter than you."
His jaw dropped and he clutched his heart harder. He acted like you've offended his mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and whole family of his dog.
"How dare you?!!"
"I'm just messing with you," he looked a bit relieved but you wouldn't let him off easily, "Dowoon is the one who's cuter than you."
"I trusted you, Babe." He wiped his non-existent tears from his eyes. You let out a big laugh because Jae's really the cutest in your eyes. Even when he's not cute, he's still cute.
He got distracted by the food but you couldn't help but thinking about him saying that he wanted to have kids with you. Jae, who's never seemed to be interested in kids, said that words to you.
"Jae," he looked up from his food and stared at you with smile on his lips, "do you really want to have kids with me?"
"Of course! Our babies would be so cute with your wide eyes and my charms and my height, not your height obviously, our kids need to be tall."
He laughed at his own joke and you smiled at his silliness. You both just had your second anniversary last week and yes, the thoughts of going to the next step had come to your mind. But you thought that it's too fast then.
"Maybe in a year or two I will be ready. If the fate still allows me and Jae to be together just like now, then I'll be ready."
But jokes on you, you were not.
The mysterious thing called Fate decided to play with you. To work together with other mysterious thing called Love and mess with the relationship you and Jae build over the years. You thought you would be ready when Jae popped the question. Jae thought that the future had place for both of you to be happy together.
"I'm sorry, Jae."
The look on his face was a jumble of nightmares. A mix of confusion, disappointment, shame and anger. He then asked you with his wavering voice a small question, simple really.
"Why?"
Why are you turning me down?
Why can't you stay with me?
Why are you doing this to me?
"I'm sorry."
You stood up and left him alone in that café. He just let you go, still with velvet box in his hand and sorrow in his heart.
You walked through the door, a whiff of coffee being roasted behind the counter welcomed you. It was so long after that wretched day, the day you left Jae bleeding bloodlessly behind the certain table in the middle of the room, the day you walked out with your heart tied behind you dragged on the ground.
You chose a table on the corner and ordered something from the menu that you didn't really know but you didn't care. What you need was not food or drink, you just need a façade to conceal you from the world that you were here not to enjoy the food but to enjoy drowning on your memories.
You swept your sight to everything in the room wondering what those people were talking about. But a certain someone made you held your breath and made your heart raced.
Jae.
Laughing.
You traced his line of sight and saw a person, a beautiful one in front of him. Their hands were on the table and you could see Jae's thumb caressing the back of her hand. You were hit but emotions seeing that that you couldn't pinpoint.
Probably felt a pair of eyes on him, Jae turned his attention away from the person in front of him and looked around the café. His eyes, his small eyes widen a bit seeing you in the corner. And to your bewilderment, he smiled. He smiled at you.
In his smile and eyes you could see that he's content and relieved. And that made you feel the same way.
Tracing back, you should be happy the wretched day happened. You two were not happy and you both stayed just because you didn't want the four years you both spent together wasted. You were trying to fix a broken relationship out of pity. But why mended a broken thing when said thing just made you miserable?
Maybe for you a year was not enough to move on but for him it was. He could smile and he could laugh. At least he's happy.
Everything has an expiration date.
But you sincerely hoped for his happiness to not have an expiration date.
And maybe one day, you could find an honest happiness that went beyond the expiration date.