Chapter Text
“There's nothing to tell, it's just some guy I work with!" Monica Geller explains as she gets a refill on her coffee.
“Come on," says Joey Tribbiani, sitting on his boyfriend's lap. "You're goin' out with the guy, there's gotta be somethin' wrong with him."
“So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?" Chandler Bing adds from under Joey.
“Wait. Does he eat chalk?" Phoebe Buffay asks, concern evident on her face. When Monica just scoffs, she says, "Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl."
“Ok, everybody relax," Monica uses the tone she uses when she's trying to defend her point in front of her friends. It's a tone she uses often. "It's not even a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and... not having sex."
“Sounds like a date to me," Chandler says dryly, earning him a glare from Joey.
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“Alright, so, I'm back in high school, I'm standin' in the middle of the cafeteria, and I am totally... naked," Chandler explains to his friends as Joey plays with his hair. He is met with the group nodding in understanding, and mentioning that they've had the same dream. "Then, I look down, and I realize there is a phone... there."
“Instead of...?" Joey wonders aloud.
“That's right!"
“Oh, I've never had that dream," Monica says, and the rest of the group agrees.
“All of a sudden the phone starts to ring! And it turns out it's my mother. Which is very, very, weird because... she never calls me!"
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“...Hi,” Ross Geller announces, dripping slightly from the rain that's pouring outside the coffee shop. He sounds just as depressed as he looks.
“This guy says 'hello,' I wanna kill myself," Joey says.
“You okay, sweetie?" Monica asks in a sincere and caring voice.
“I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it outta my mouth and tied it around my neck," Ross explains, walking around the couch to go and sit next to Monica. He fumbles with his umbrella, not bothering to fully close it.
“Cookie?" Chandler offers Ross, holding a plate of three stacked chocolate chip cookies. Joey takes one when Ross ignores the offer.
“Carol moved her stuff out today," Monica explains.
“Oh..." The group says collectively.
“Lemme get you some coffee," Monica says, getting up and walking to the counter.
“Thanks," Ross replies.
“Oh, Ross-" Phoebe starts, reaching to pluck something out of her friend's wet hair.
Ross swats her hand away repeatedly. "No, no, no, don't. Stop cleansing my aura," he protests.
“But-"
“Just leave my aura alone, ok? I'll be fine, alright? Really everyone, I hope she'll be very happy!"
“No you don't," Monica chimes in from the counter.
“No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!"
“And you never knew she was a lesbian..." Joey states. Chandler rolls his eyes at Joey's obliviousness.
“No, ok!" Ross almost shouts. "Why does everyone keep fixating on that! She didn't know; how should I know?"
Chandler picks up a magazine and skims it. "Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian..." he says, loudly.
After a few seconds of confused silence, Joey speaks up. "Excuse me?"
“Yeah, what's u-... Oh, did I say that out loud?" Chandler panics. Joey continues to look at him weirdly. "I'm sorry. I love you."
“Alright, Ross, look. You're feelin' a lotta pain right now. You're angry, you're hurtin'. Can I tell ya what the answer is?"
Ross just raises an eyebrow, knowing Joey's "advice" won't be any good.
“Strip joint!" Joey announces, and the entire group does a collective eye roll.
“C'mon, you're single!" Joey says, talking with his hands as if it helps express his point. "Have some hormones! Aren't you straight people super into that stuff?"
“See, but I don't want to be single, ok? I just- I just wanna be married again," Ross says, slouching on the couch more.
Right when Ross says those words, the double doors of Central Perk burst open, ringing a bell in the process. The group of friends turns around to see a young woman literally wearing a wedding dress, complete with a veil and expensive white shoes. Rachel Green immediately goes to the counter, lifting the end of her dress as to not trip over it.
“And I just want a million dollars!" Chandler recovers from the shock quick enough to make a joke. It's not the most creative one, but it makes Joey smile at him.
Monica gets up to greet the bride. "...Rachel?" she asks, approaching the woman with wet hair.
“Oh God, Monica, hi!" Rachel turns around, looking like she just found water in a desert.
“Hey."
“I just went to your building and you weren't there and this guy with the big hammer said that you might be here, and you are, you are!" Rachel gives Monica a grateful hug.
“Can I get you some coffee?" a waitress asks, intimidated and confused.
“Decaf," Monica requests, then leads Rachel to the couch, where she stands in front of Monica's friends. "Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor." Everyone greets Rachel with a "hi" and a wave. "This is everybody; that's Chandler and Joey." The boys cuddling on the larger chair look so much like a couple, but Rachel decides now isn't the time to ask strangers about their love lives. "And Phoebe." She notices Phoebe's unique outfit and hairstyle first. It's... something else. "And you remember my brother Ross?"
“Sure, hi! Oh-" Rachel is cut off by Ross' umbrella opening in front of her.
“So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?"
“Oh God, well... It started about a half hour before the wedding," Rachel explains, oddly comfortable telling five strangers about her running away from her wedding. "I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat - this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat - when all of a sudden..." She stops speaking momentarily as she receives her coffee. "I realized... that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me- how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head! You know! I mean I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there and I started wondering, 'why am I doing this and who am I doing this for?' So, anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kind of drifted apart, but... you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city."
“Who wasn't invited to the wedding."
“Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue."
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The group of six had made their way to Monica's apartment. They gather around the TV, Monica in a chair, Ross standing, Rachel in the kitchen, Joey on the couch with Chandler's arm draped around his shoulders, and Phoebe on the floor. They're watching a Spanish soap opera, and playing a game they like where they try to understand what's happening on the show despite not understanding it.
"Elijarme la mano, aquellos criminales."
“Right now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ and she's really not happy about it," Monica guesses, leaning forward in her chair as if that would help her understand better.
In the kitchen, Rachel is having a heated phone conversation. "Daddy, I just... I just can't marry him, I'm sorry!" she whines. "I just don't love him... Well it matters to me!"
“Oh, those pants are a disaster," Chandler says about a character on the show. Two girls are arguing about something while standing at the top of a flight of stairs. Everyone but Ross hums in agreement.
“I say push 'er down the stairs," Joey suggests, head resting on Chandler's shoulder. The rest of the group agrees, shouting "Push her down the stairs!" at the TV and applauding when it happens.
“Come on, Daddy, listen to me! It's like... all of my life, everyone had always told me... 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!' And then today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be, uh, a-a purse! Or, or o-or, y'know, a hat!'" There's a pause. "No, I don't want you to buy me a hat I'm sayin' that I am a ha... It's a metaphor, Daddy!"
Ross makes his way to the kitchen to get orange juice just in time for the end of Rachel's little rant. "You can see where he'd have trouble," he snickers.
“Look, Daddy, it's my life... Well... Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica..." The group turns to Monica with curiosity.
“Well, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica," Monica says sarcastically.
“Well maybe it's my decision..." Rachel's tone is less of a begging one and more of a content one. She sounds more sure of herself. "Well maybe I don't need your money...Wait! Wait, I said maybe!" She frantically checks the phone only to realize her father hung up.
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Ross is sitting by the window, likely moping about Carol. In the kitchen, Chandler makes sandwiches with his boyfriend and the girls are in the living room trying to ease Rachel's nerves by making her breathe into a paper bag.
“Okay, just breathe... That's it," Monica instructs, rubbing Rachel's shoulder. "Yeah, just try to think of nice, calm things."
Phoebe takes this as a cue to sing. "Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens, doorbells and sleigh bells, and... something with mittens, la la la something with string, these are a few-"
“I'm all better now!" Rachel suddenly announces, nervously glancing at Phoebe.
Phoebe turns to the couple in the kitchen. "I helped!" she says with pride.
“Okay, look, uh, this is probably for the best, y'know?" Monica tells her new roommate. "Independence, taking control of your life."
Joey walks over to the two girls. "And hey, if you need anythin', you can always come to Joey. Chandler and I live right across the hall. And he's away a lot." He winks at Rachel.
“Joey, stop, it's her wedding day! He's just messing with you, he doesn't even swing that way."
“Aw, are you two a couple?" Rachel questions, gesturing between Joey and Chandler.
“You bet," says Chandler, who walks over and puts an arm around Joey. He kisses him on the cheek and smiles like he won a prize.
“Aw, aren't you cute, still in your honeymoon phase."
“Yeah, they've been in it for nearly a year,” Monica says with a snicker.
“Oh, isn't that the sweetest thing? How have you not faded out of that phase after so long?"
“I've got the best boyfriend around, how can I not show him I love him?" Chandler says with that dopey smile. There's some "aw"s and the couple hug and giggle like teenagers. They're interrupted with a buzzing sound that indicates someone rung the doorbell downstairs. Chandler reluctantly lets go of Joey to answer the intercom.
“Oh, gosh... Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
“Uh, it's-it's Paul."
“Buzz him in!" Monica yells eagerly.
“Who's Paul?" Joey asks.
“Paul the wine guy, Paul?" Ross joins in on the questioning.
“Maybe..." is all Monica replies with.
“Wait a minute, your 'not a real date' tonight is Paul the wine guy?" Joey pressures Monica further.
Ross looks happy for his sister. "He finally asked you out?"
“Yes!" she replies, giving Ross a celebratory hug.
“Oh, this is a 'dear diary' moment," Chandler says, observing the nonsense.
Monica suddenly realizes she still has a runaway bride and a depressed brother to take care of. "Rach, wait, I-I, I can cancel."
“Please, no, go; I'll be fine." Rachel says, smiling.
She turns to her brother, "Ross, are you okay, I mean, do you want me to stay?"
“...That would be good," Ross responds, sounding as depressed as he did earlier.
“...Really?"
Ross perks up and gestures to the door. "No, go on, it's Paul the wine guy!" He races to the door with Monica.
“Hi, come in," Monica greets her date. "Paul, this is... everybody, everybody, this is Paul."
Everyone says something along the lines of, "Hi, Paul."
“I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name, Paul, was it?" Chandler jokes, finding the whole "Paul the wine guy" bit absurd.
“Oh, I just pulled out four eyelashes, that can't be good," says Phoebe. The crowd by the door disperses as Paul goes to sit in the living room.
“So, Rachel, what are you, uh, what are you up to tonight?" Ross asks the girl still in her wedding dress.
“Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed to Aruba on my honeymoon, so, nothing!" Rachel says it with so much cheer it's probably fake.
“Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God..." Ross tries to think of something to make Rachel feel better about missing her honeymoon. "No! No, uh, Aruba, this time a year, yeah, talk about your... big lizards... Anyway, if you, uh, don't wanna be alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are helping me put together my-my new furniture!"
“Yes, and we're... very excited about it. The perfect date night..." Chandler smirks.
“Well actually, thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight, it's been a long day." Rachel smiles at the boys and leaves the kitchen.
“Oh, sure. Okay, sure," Ross says, more for himself than Rachel.
“Pheebs, you wanna help?" asks Joey.
“Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to," is Phoebe's answer. The boys nod rather than try to change her mind, as they know they can't.
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Wood, bolts, screwdrivers, and more supplies are scattered around Ross' otherwise empty apartment. Joey and Chandler are making what looks to be like a shelf on one side of the room while Ross kneels on the floor reading the instructions for God knows what on the other.
“I'm supposed to attach... a brackety thing to the side things... using a bunch of these little worm guys. I... have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever, and I cannot feel my legs."
“Babe, what's this?" Joey asks Chandler, ignoring Ross for the hundredth time that day.
“I have... no idea," Chandler answers honestly, looking at his and Joey's structure.
“Done with the bookcase!" Joey shouts to Ross and walks away from it.
Ross emerges from his kitchen holding a can. "...This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it outta the can, I, I shoulda known."
“Ross, lemme ask you a question; she got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV, what'd you get?" Joey counts off the items with his fingers.
“You guys!"
“Oh, God," Chandler sighs.
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Little progress is being made on the furniture front, but Chandler holds a hammer so it at least looks like he's being helpful. Joey's too busy getting beer and Ross is complaining again.
Ross holds a beer can in his hand and is waiting on a second one. "Y'know what the scariest part is, what if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if ya get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman... for her."
“Oh no, it's..." Chandler starts the sentence and looks to Joey to finish it.
He does. "Straight people stuff."
“C'mon, guys," Ross sighs. "Sure, we like different people but aren't relationships the same either way?"
“No, no, you guys are a different breed," insists Chandler.
Joey steps into the living room. "Ross, if you asked me that 'one woman' question... a year and a half ago, I would've said that's like sayin' there's only one flavor of ice cream for you, or somethin' like that. But, uh... recent experience has taught me otherwise." He loops an arm around his boyfriend and looks up at him.
“Thanks, Joe. Ross, you probably just haven't found the right one yet."
“And now you can! This is the best thing that's ever happened to you! I mean you got married and you were like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world, grab a spoon!"
Ross manages to smile a little. “I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny."
“Then stay outta our freezer," Chandler remarks.
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It got to the point where everything in that apartment reminded Ross of Carol. Rather than try to build furniture with the incessant whining, the boys decide to sit on the floor and have some more beer.
“‘Grab a spoon...' Do ya know long it's been since I've 'grabbed a spoon?'" Ross rants.
Joey and Chandler exchange a glance, both wanting to just go home and listen to this at Central Perk tomorrow, where they know Ross will bring it up again.
“Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero,' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to, uh, t-to ask a woman out... who am I gonna ask?"
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Joey and Chandler are sitting at the table in Monica's kitchen. They choose to go there for breakfast since Monica can make a much better breakfast than they can. Only today it's not Monica cooking, but Rachel. They only hope she's a good cook.
“Isn't this amazing? I mean I have never made coffee before in my entire life," Rachel giggles. She runs around putting coffee cups on the table and filling them with coffee.
“That is amazing," says Chandler, shocked.
“Congratulations," Joey says. "While you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make, like, a Western omelet or somethin'..." He pauses to take a sip of the coffee, and it tastes so bad he pours it in a plant. "Although actually, I'm really not that hungry this morning."
Monica leaves her room to greet the three, and they all exchange "good morning"s.
“Morning, Paul..." Joey says when Monica's date leaves her room. He shares a glance with Chandler, and they both know he spent the night.
“Hi, Paul, is it?" asks Chandler when Rachel says, "Hi, Paul," again.
Monica and Paul go for the door, and the group gets to curious they move the kitchen table to hear their conversation better. All they pick up is a "thank you so much" and "we'll talk later."
When Monica comes back in, everyone's looking at her expectantly. "That wasn't a real date..." Joey says. "What the hell do you do on a real date?"
“Shut up and put my table back," Monica tells them. It's meant to be a command, but she sounds too happy.
“Okay!"
“Alright guys, I gotta get to work," Chandler says, getting up. "If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't really make much of a difference."
“Wait. So like, you guys all have jobs?" Rachel asks from her spot near the fridge. She sounds worried, as if she fears getting one herself.
“Yeah, we all have jobs. See that’s how we... buy stuff," Monica explains like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
“Yeah, I'm an actor," Joey says, smiling.
“Wow..." Rachel walks over to him, genuinely impressed. "Well have I seen you in anything?"
“Oh, I doubt it. Mostly regional work."
“Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! Unless you caught the Wee Ones production of Pinocchio," Monica laughs.
“‘Look, Gepetto, I'm a real live boy!” Chandler jumps at the opportunity to make fun of Joey, as much as he loves him. It would physically pain him to hold back a sarcastic comment.
“I will not take this abuse from you," Joey says playfully.
“Sorry, sweetheart..." He sounds sincere at first, but then starts to sing a song from Pinocchio and hop out the door with Joey. "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy."
“Well I was gonna give you a goodbye kiss before you go to work but I guess that's off the table..."
“No, wait, Joe-"
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Everyone except Rachel is gathered at Central Perk, and can barely hold in their laughter when Monica tells them about what Paul the wine guy pulled. Joey laughs a lot, as he honestly expects Monica to be smarter. "Of course it was a line!" he tells her.
“Why? Why-why would anybody do something like that?" Monica paces around the couch, sounding distressed.
“I assume you're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed,'" Ross sounds like he's talking to a child.
“Is it me? I-Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?"
“Alright, c'mere, gimme your feet," Phoebe instructs, gesturing for Monica to come to her. She obliges and doesn't question when Phoebe starts touching her feet.
“I just thought he was nice, y'know?"
There's some silence before Joey starts laughing again. "I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!" Monica responds by weakly hitting him, and he curls up into Chandler's side more.
The Central Perk doors open and an excited Rachel enters. "Guess what?"
“You got a job?" Ross asks.
“Ha! Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed outta twelve interviews today," Rachel explains to her friends, bursting with joy.
“And yet you're surprisingly upbeat!" adds Chandler.
“Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off."
“Woah, Joan an- I mean..." Chandler clears his throat when his friends give him weird looks. "Oh, how well you know me..."
“They're my new, I-don't-need-a-job, I-don't-need-my-parents, I've-got-great-boots boots!" she says, taking a boot out of the box and examining it.
“How'd you pay for them?" Monica asks.
“Uh... credit card."
“And who pays for that?"
“Uhm, my father..."
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Monica is getting a pair of scissors from her drawer to give to Rachel, as she plans on literally cutting off Rachel's financial connections to her parents. The group is gathered around the table, and Rachel looks uneasy.
“Come on! You can't live off your parents your whole life!" Monica tells the distressed girl.
“I know that, that's why I was getting married!" Rachel sighs.
“Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time," Phoebe says, defensively.
“Thank you."
“You're welcome. I remember when I had first came to the city. I was fourteen; my mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison." Rachel raises her eyebrows, and everyone else looks unfazed. "I got here and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like, cleaning windshields outside port authority. And then he killed himself. And then I found aromatherapy, so believe me, I know exactly how you feel." Phoebe maintains a normal, even happy demeanor while telling her story, and gets up when she's done.
Ross chimes in when Rachel looks absolutely stunned. "The word you're looking for, is... 'anyway...'"
“Alright. You ready?" Monica asks.
“I don't think so..." Rachel pleads, refusing to even take the orange scissors.
“Oh, come on! Cut, cut." Ross begins to chant, and soon the whole group is chanting, telling Rachel to cut.
When Rachel cuts the credit cards in half, Monica gives her a hug. "Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it."