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It was a Saturday, and Peter was tired. He was usually tired on Saturdays, because he did patrol, but today a group of spider-people from parallel universes had burst into the street he had been swinging over, and Peter was exhausted. And confused. And on the verge of a nervous breakdown, really. Currently, he was sitting in one of Tony’s planes with the kid called Miles, Gwen, who reminded him of MJ, Peni, who Shuri would love, a middle-aged Spider-Man, a 30s style Spider-Man entirely devoid of color, and weirdest of all, a pig that Peter swore sounded suspiciously like John Mulaney?
“Hey Pete, Keener’s worried about you and your girlfriend is threatening me again. Smile for the camera.”
Peter smiled wearily at the phone Tony was holding.
“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” Miles asked.
Peter nodded enthusiastically, and pulled out his phone. Finally, something he could talk to a group of parallel universe versions of his superhero persona.
“She’s really cool, she’s super smart and she goes to all these marches... This is her, see?” Peter says, pulling out a picture he took at a Decathlon meeting.
“Oh my god, you’re dating Zendaya?!”
“Who?”
“She’s like this actress, she used to be on Disney but now she does blockbusters and stuff. She looks exactly like your girlfriend, dude!”
Tony snickers.
“Yeah, well, MJ’s not really suited to Disney.”
“Why would you make fun of her when she’s already mad at you?”
“Good point.”
Peter turned back to Miles.
“Uh, Zendaya aside, do you have like, John Mulaney in your universe?”
“Yeah.” Miles responds, and Gwen nods slightly.
“Right, well, am I the only one who thinks that, um,” Peter said, tilting his head towards the pig, “Spider-Ham sounds like him?”
“Oh my god, that’s who he sounds like!” Miles exclaims. “Gwen, he’s a pig who sounds like John Mulaney!”
She shrugs.
“Yeah, and Noir sounds like Nick Cage. I realized ages ago, dude.”
“And you didn’t tell me?! I’ve been trying to figure it out for ages and you tell me now ?”
“Excuse me,” the pig interrupts, sounding offended, “I’ll have you know John Mulaney sounds like me. The court gave me the rights to this voice.”
Tony opened his mouth as if to comment, but then closed it and made a confused face, which Peter immediately photographed. He quickly texted the picture to his friends and May.
Peni frowns at her phone.
“Why is your internet so slow?”
Tony rolled his eyes.
“You need to stop befriending people who criticize my tech, Parker. Shuri was enough.”
“Everyone’s a critic.” middle aged Peter said, patting Tony’s back sympathetically.
“Who’s Shuri?” Peni asks.
“She’s one of my friends. She’s the Princess of Wakanda, and she’s also like, a genius, who handles all of the countries tech. They’re super advanced so she has access to magic, basically, except it’s in the form of technology!”
Peni smirks.
“Okay, I have her contact info.”
“ How?” Peter asked.
Peni shrugged.
“She says hi, by the way.”
"Great, that's cool. Cool cool cool-"
“Isn’t she supposed to be at a graduation or something?” Tony interrupted, frowning slightly.
"I'm a parallel version of one of her best friends, she can text back."
Noir coughs, and all eyes swivel towards him. His trenchcoat blows in the wind.
"We're in a jet, where's the wind coming from?" mutters Tony.
“So, kid,” Noir begins, “What’s your tragic backstory?’
“I, uh, I don’t really have one?”
Tony snorts.
“C’mon, Pete. You have an ongoing tragic backstory. Your last week could be tragic backstory.”
“What happened last week?” Miles asked.
“I got a B on a calc test?”
“Yeah, because you spent the night in the med wing after getting stabbed, again.”
“How often have you been stabbed?” asked Gwen, raising an eyebrow.
“Not too often.”
“He’s lying. He’s been stabbed twelve times.”
“Jesus Christ.” the older Peter commented.
“That doesn’t answer my question.” Noir interjected.
Tony glared at him.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, Pete.”
“No, it’s okay, Mr. Stark.” Peter said, and took a deep breath. “So, basically, my parents died in a plane crash when I was five. I moved in with my Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben, uh, he died four years later. Then two years ago, I became Spider-Man, which is super cool, obviously. Except that last year I found out this guy-The Vulture- was selling illegal weapons. He had this giant bird costume except it was a machine and he could fly? I chased him around a bit, which led to an elevator my friends were in while visiting the Washington Monument. They’re okay, though, don’t worry! I saved them, so they’re good. Anyways, I went to the homecoming dance with this girl, Liz, but it turned out her dad was The Vulture, so I kinda had to leave the dance. Which made me look a bit mean, actually.”
“Yeah, because that was the worst part of the day.” Tony interrupted.
“I’m getting to it, Mr. Stark! Uh, so he had planned to hijack one of Mr. Stark's planes and steal a bunch of stuff, so I tried to stop him, and he, um, he dropped a building on me. Which sucked. Obviously. I ended up getting out, although I did kinda think that was the end of me, you know. So I got onto the plane, hung onto the side, basically, and it crashed. Then The Vulture beat me up a bit, and then his wings exploded. I had to drag him out of the fire. He’s in jail now, though, so all’s good. Um, yeah. The end.”
Peter looked around the jet, nervously. There were various emotions reflected in the other spider people’s faces. The pig was crying giant animated tears. He pulled out a comedically large handkerchief to dab his eyes with.
“I had an issue with a man who called The Vulture as well. He was a cannibal, and he ate my aunt.” Noir said, pensively.
There was an awkward silence.
“That’s horrifying. Pete, Keener wants to know if he can call you.” Tony finally said.
“Why doesn’t he just ask me directly?”
Tony shrugged, typing out a message.
“Oh. I was supposed to ask you casually. Christ, he sounds like an eleven-year-old at their middle school prom. Just call him.”
Peter did, and Harley picked up almost immediately.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“ Why are you calling, then?”
“ Dude, you’re travelling in one of Tony’s jet with six versions of yourself! And we both know that Shuri could probably teleport right next to you after her ceremony, and Ned and MJ can take the next train to the compound or have Happy pick them up, but I’m stuck in Louisiana. So, yeah, I’m gonna call.”
“ Couldn’t Shuri teleport to your barn and pick you up?”
“Yeah, because portals would work in Louisiana. We barely get wifi.”
“Wouldn’t stop her.”
“Whatever. I want to speak to the John Mulaney pig.”