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Things have become so,,, complicated. I don’t know how to deal with this, thing, that’s been going on with Kurt. He’s obviously not coping, but I don’t think he realized how visible it was. Jean hadn’t even said anything to me, I noticed it on my own. Which is never a good sign. I’m so worried about him.
I keep drifting off and remembering. Remembering going to his room, coming inside and calling out that I brought food. Hearing the shower running, and thanking that he’s home. Claiming I have to go to the bathroom or some other stupid excuse to enter the room. Expecting to hear the usual chirp of embarrassment when I open the door, but instead, nothing.
“Hey blue, y-”
The first thing I see is red. Not blue. Not my friend. Red. I panic and accidentally slam into the first aid kit in the hallway. For once, everything’s going so fast for me, I can’t move fast enough to catch up. Fuck, I can’t see through my tears. Fuck.
I rip the kit off of the wall before practically falling back into the bathroom. Kurt’s standing, barely, in his boxers with... so much blood.
Running over, I try to keep pressure on the wounds as I check on Kurt. He’s conscious, but doesn’t seem to care about what’s happening. Not good. The wounds are deep, and he’s lost a lot of blood. Tiles of the bathroom are slick with water and, that. I run as fast as I can to Charles, not bothering to stop and knock. I think I broke the door.
“Help, now. Kurt. Blood.”
I say before tripping in the hallway back to Kurt.
My heart feels like it’s going to explode. I don’t know what to do. Ah, fuck. He’s on the floor. He looks so pale.
“Kurt, sweetie, I need you to talk to me. ‘Kay?”
Desperately searching for eye contact with the kid who’s done so much for me.
“I, I am sorry. It was not supposed to go this way.”
“How was it suppo-” not sure if I want to know, I move to something else.
“Nevermind that, what matters is I’m here now, okay? Is this all there is or are there more?”
“That’s all.” He said. “Did not mean to go that deep, sorry.”
Arriving through the door, Charles and Jean with one of the better first aid kits. It’s at this point that Kurt loses his composure and starts quietly crying.
“I was doing so well, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, Pietro.”
“Please, Kurt. It’s okay. Please don’t cry because of me, I’m not worth those tears kid.”
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Waiting in the hall of the medical bay for them to say I can see him is actually the worst. I can’t do anything, they yelled at me for pacing. Something about me wearing out the floor.
A few excruciating hours later, I can finally go in. They told me to be quiet, that he's sleeping. The lights inside are dimmed. He looks exhausted. I try to walk slowly to the side of the bed, despite my best efforts a small amount of wind kisses his hair.
He rustles a little bit and cracks his eyes open, seeing me they tear up a bit and he turns away.
“Morning, blue. Sorry I woke you, they finally let me visit. If, if you don’t want me here that’s okay.”
Kurt visibly tightens up, fuck.
“..shit… Sorry, Kurt. I’ll go. I’m sorry, … I’m, uh. I’m sorry.”
Turning to leave, I think to myself. I shouldn’t have pressed to see him, I should’ve waited until he woke up and they asked if it was alright. Fuck, why am I like this. I’m not who’s important right now.
I start to head to tell someone he’s awake.
I get out in the hallway and hear a very quiet and trembling voice.
“stay... please?”
I ended up sleeping in his room at the medical bay for a few days, I found out that he ended up getting a few bags of blood and that he and Charles had “talked” for a while.
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I can not believe I let myself do that, especially to Pietro. He does not deserve such, sorrow. I can still remember the (involuntary) gasp he let out when he saw me… like that. The panic in his face, his hands trembling and his breath shaky.
Shrugging the blanket over my shoulder, I roll over and force my eyes shut. I’m so stupid. Everyone probably thinks that I want them to feel bad for me. That I can’t stand being the center of attention. I’m selfish and horrible and stupid and, fuck. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to deal with the repercussions for what I’ve done. I wasn’t even trying to die, it just kind of… happened.
Hearing the door open, I keep my eyes closed. It’s better if whoever this is thinks I’m asleep.
And then I feel a gust of wind, slight, but it’s there. It’s got to be him, of course he’d make his way past them.
I decide to crack my eyes open to see if my theory was correct, and there he is. He looks,,, horrible. He probably hasn’t eaten, or slept. I don’t even know how long I’ve been here. Why would he tear himself up over something like me…
Fuck, I’m crying aren’t I? I try to turn away to hide my face. I don’t want him to see any more upsetting shit from me. Oh fuck, I’m going to start blubbering.
“Morning, blue. Sorry I woke you. They finally, uh, let me visit. If, if you don’t want me here that’s okay.”
Why would I ever want you to leave, idiot.
I have to hold my breath to keep myself from sobbing. I hate that I can’t talk when I’m like this. My voice shakes so much it’s barely intelligible, and I gasp for air and sound so ridicul-
“..shit… Sorry, Kurt. I’ll go. I’m sorry, … I’m, uh. I’m sorry.”
He looks so sad, so hurt. I did this to him. This is my fault, he’s leaving now like I knew he always would. He’s leaving because I hurt him. He’s leaving because of me.
I need to say something, anything. Why wont my throat make any sound? Fuck, say anything. I can’t breathe, shit.
“stay... please?”
My voice cracked and wavered, but I think he could make out what I said. Pietro nodded and came back in the door, he tried to hide it but he started tearing up.