Work Text:
Kaidan’s muscles ached from the work he’d done during the day. He felt ready to collapse into bed and sleep for hours.
But he dragged his feet down the halls of the hospital. He got himself coffee on the way, pouring it into the biggest cup he could find.
When he reached Shepard’s room, he gave his arm a hard pinch in a weak attempt to wake himself up a bit. He pushed the door open quietly, seeing Shepard’s eyes were closed. He took a seat in the chair next to Shepard’s bed. If Shepard was asleep, maybe Kaidan would let himself drift off for a bit.
But then Shepard opened his eyes, turning his head to look at Kaidan. Kaidan gave a tired smile, taking Shepard’s hand in his own.
“How long have you been awake?” he asked.
Shepard looked to the nurse writing on a chart near his bed. She shrugged, checking the time.
“Not long,” she said. “Major Alenko, may I speak to you outside for a moment?”
Kaidan set his coffee down and got up, following the nurse out of the room. She shut the door and faced him with a troubled frown.
“He asked about the war again today,” she said. “The doctors don’t want to tell him too much. The last thing we need is to stress him more mentally. But…it can’t be a secret forever. He’ll no doubt ask you. All we ask is that you keep his mental state in mind if you decide to answer him. I’ll be right out here if…if anything happens.”
If he went into a fit and needed to be put under before he hurt himself, she meant. Kaidan didn’t like the thought, but he nodded and slipped back into the room.
He sat back down and took Shepard’s hand again. Shepard was looking up at the blank ceiling, but he tapped a finger against Kaidan’s hand.
“What are you thinking about?” Kaidan asked.
“You’ve been fixing things, haven’t you?” Shepard said, turning his head. He was able to manage conversations for a bit, though he still tired quickly.
“We’ve been rebuilding. It’s a lot of work, but things are looking better,” Kaidan said.
Shepard looked down at their hands, his finger going still. “Who, Kaidan?”
“Who?” Kaidan said, his heart squeezing painfully. He didn’t want to tell Shepard. Not when he was finally starting to recover.
But he slumped back, looking exhausted. “Just tell me who we lost.” He hesitated a moment, then added, “I know about Anderson. Who else?”
“Don’t do this, John,” Kaidan said quietly.
“I deserve to know,” Shepard said.
Kaidan squeezed his hand. “EDI. The Crucible…it took them all out. Not just the Reapers, but the geth, and EDI.”
Shepard closed his eyes. He didn’t say anything, didn’t open his eyes even as his heart rate picked up on the monitor.
“John,” Kaidan said, squeezing his hand again. “We knew not everyone would make it out alive. But thanks to you, we didn’t lose everyone.”
Shepard kept his eyes closed. “I don’t know how I’m still alive, Kaidan.”
Survivor’s guilt. Kaidan would’ve been more concerned if Shepard wasn’t suffering from it.
“The doctors are wondering the same thing,” Kaidan said, but Shepard didn’t even crack a smile. “You are alive, though. And you’re getting better. Joker took her loss hard, but he took comfort in knowing you made it. We all did. It was war; none of us pretended we were safe.”
Shepard opened his eyes and looked back down at their hands. “I thought I was going to die. I…was okay with it.” He paused, curled his fingers around Kaidan’s hand as much as the heavy bandages allowed him to. “You were my last thought.”
He’d never told Kaidan that. Kaidan felt a rush of emotions flooding him, and he pressed his lips together tightly before he could say anything stupid.
He’d been so torn up when the Normandy left Shepard behind on the battlefield. Kaidan knew he was too injured to continue the fight, but to leave Shepard behind after they’d come so far had killed him inside. That sinking horror when they got the first report that no one had reached the beam, that they’d all been wiped out. That desperate spark of hope when another report came in that Shepard had made it through after all.
And the overwhelming grief when they gave him Shepard’s nameplate to put up with the other casualties.
Shepard had been in his thoughts every moment from the second the Normandy took off. To know that Kaidan had been Shepard’s last thought before he nearly succumbed to his injuries…
Kaidan wasn’t even aware he’d put his hand on Shepard’s cheek, but it was there when he finally looked up. Shepard had turned his face towards Kaidan’s palm, his gaze trained on Kaidan’s.
He was a shell of the man Kaidan had said goodbye to on the battlefield. Endless surgeries and procedures had drained his energy. He’d lost so much weight that Kaidan felt alarmed looking at him sometimes. The constant pain he was in left dark shadows under his eyes, a haunted look on his face.
Kaidan ran his thumb across Shepard’s cheek. His beard had grown out, as had his hair where his head wasn’t bandaged up. He looked closer to death than life.
Kaidan bent forward, pressing his forehead to Shepard’s. So much grief. So much pain.
Shepard had been about to die, but he’d thought of Kaidan.
Kaidan closed his eyes, words choked up in his throat.
“Kaidan,” Shepard mumbled, reaching a shaky arm up. He pulled off his oxygen mask, and before Kaidan could protest the action, he dragged Kaidan close and kissed him.
As he pulled his lips away, his breathing was labored, but his lips twitched into the closest thing to a smile Kaidan had seen since Shepard had regained consciousness. Kaidan took the oxygen mask and fixed it back over Shepard’s face, running his thumb across Shepard’s cheek again.
“You made it this far. I’m not going to watch you flatline just to kiss me,” he said.
“I can breathe on my own,” Shepard said, but he didn’t pull the mask off again.
They sat in silence for a while, Kaidan holding Shepard’s hand. He drank his coffee, trying to keep himself awake. He didn’t want to pass out and leave Shepard alone with his thoughts of the war.
“How is Joker?” Shepard finally asked, breaking the silence.
“He’s getting there. With you being alive, he’s doing a lot better than when EDI first…” Kaidan trailed off. “He’ll be okay, John. He’s been flying troops to designated areas in desperate need of repair, but he’s gotten in touch with me about coming to see you again now that you’re more, ah, aware.”
Joker had seen Shepard only twice since he’d regained consciousness, and both times, Shepard had only been able to mumble a few incoherent words before falling back to sleep. Now that Shepard was well enough to hold small conversations, much of the Normandy crew wanted to see him.
But the doctors were firm about how many visitors he could have in a certain amount of time. Too many people would just tire him out all over again.
“If he wants to come see me, make sure the doctors let him,” Shepard said.
“I will,” Kaidan promised.
He could tell Shepard was getting tired again. He knew it frustrated Shepard to no end. Shepard hated how weak his body was. He hated that just talking to someone could put him to sleep for several hours.
But Kaidan paid careful attention, and their conversations were getting just a little bit longer as time went on. Shepard was recovering, slow as the process was. Kaidan was already trying to arrange plans for when Shepard was released, though he knew that was months away. He wanted to be there to help Shepard recover and get used to the outside world again.
“Kaidan, you look tired,” Shepard said, and Kaidan nearly laughed at the irony. “You should go home.”
Kaidan shook his head. “I’m fine, John. Don’t worry about me.”
He paused, thought that over. Then he stared down at Shepard.
“You’ve been worrying about the crew this whole time, haven’t you?” he said quietly.
“The doctors and nurses won’t tell me anything,” Shepard said. “Neither would you or Garrus.”
“Everyone is fine,” Kaidan said. “Steve and Garrus had some injuries from the fight, but I was the worst. All of us are recovered.” He looked at the many bandages covering Shepard’s damaged body. “You almost died, John. You’ve been in and out of surgery for weeks. They thought…they thought you wouldn’t make it when they first brought you in. And you were worried about us?”
“You’re my crew,” he said, like it was that simple. Maybe it was.
They were his crew. His friends. His family.
An orphan from earth who became the hero of the galaxy. The sole survivor who beat the odds on Akuze, to the savior who beat the odds against the Reapers. He’d fought alone for so long. Then he found a family.
“They’ve all been worried about you,” Kaidan said. How had he not thought to tell Shepard this before? “They’re always asking about you. John you…you don’t know how much it meant to all of us to find out you were still alive. How much it meant to me.”
“Ashley, Mordin, Thane, EDI, Legion, Anderson…” Shepard shook his head slowly.
“None of it was in vain,” Kaidan said. “You stopped Saren. You stopped the Reapers. You honored their sacrifices, Commander.”
Shepard didn’t respond, but he let the words settle over the ache in his heart. Maybe he’d never forgive himself for the losses along the way. But maybe he could sleep a little easier knowing he’d made those losses count.
They sat in silence for a long while before Shepard realized that Kaidan had nodded off. Shepard returned his gaze to the ceiling, wishing Kaidan would just go home and get some rest. He appreciated having Kaidan here with him, but he hated feeling like such a burden all the time.
Shepard didn’t close his eyes. He knew if he did, he would see EDI. If he fell asleep, he would dream of her, as he’d dreamt of the others.
He often woke to the disorientation of wildly beeping machines, sharp pains, and voices yelling at each other to try to put him back under. His nightmares sent him yelling and thrashing, pulling his stitches and overworking barely functional limbs.
He didn’t want that right now. He feared Kaidan would see one of his episodes.
He was sure the doctors would tell Kaidan about them if they hadn’t already. But hearing about it and seeing it were different. He wouldn’t worry Kaidan anymore if he could help it.
So he held Kaidan’s hand and he stared at the ceiling and he tried to think of the wicked humor EDI had. He thought of her jokes, which would often concern him until he’d gotten use to her sense of humor.
She was gone. So many were gone.
He let his fingers trace over Kaidan’s skin. He’d lost so much, but he hadn’t lost everything.
He looked down at the blanket covering his mangled legs. It’d be a while before he could walk again.
But when he could walk, he wanted to walk aboard the Normandy. He wanted to go to the Memorial Wall on the ship, and pay his respects to those they’d lost, EDI now among the mourned ranks.
And he would honor them not as John Shepard, the man barely clinging to life in a hospital. No, he would be Commander Shepard, their leader, their friend, the man who failed them but done his best to honor them in the end.
Commander Shepard would stand tall with those he’d saved at his side, and those he’d lost in his heart.