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Kaidan spent his nights by the side of John Shepard’s hospital bed.
Shepard regained consciousness occasionally, though he tired quickly and often fell back to sleep before Kaidan could even get through telling him some story to entertain him. He was too weak to move his own muscles, and so much as lifting an arm could be enough for him to need several hours of rest.
Kaidan was patient, though. Some days the doctors wouldn’t let him into Shepard’s room, saying that Shepard was having one of his “bad” days. This could be anything from his vitals taking a sudden, alarming drop, to him needing another procedure, to the doctors deciding he just needed more uninterrupted rest.
They limited Shepard’s visitors. Most of the Normandy crew still hadn’t seen him. Garrus had, and they’d let Joker come to see Shepard, if only because the pilot desperately needed the confirmation that Shepard had survived after the loss of EDI. Liara had visited with him briefly a few times, and even Admiral Hackett had come to see him. But the others hadn’t gotten the chance to, despite how badly they wanted to.
Kaidan spent the most time with him. Sometimes Shepard woke up and seemed to forget where he was, panicking and sending his heart rate dangerously high. Kaidan was good at keeping him calm when he woke up, so he spent the most time in the room with him.
His strength was coming back, ever so slowly. Kaidan’s heart lurched into his throat the first time Shepard tried to speak to him.
“K…Kai…dan,” he’d barely managed to croak out. That alone had tired him out.
He’d managed to speak a little more after weeks of managing just a few strained words. He couldn’t hold a conversation, but it gave Kaidan hope about his recovery.
Today, Kaidan entered Shepard’s room with a large cup of coffee in his hands. He was still aiding the rebuilding efforts, and spent nights by Shepard’s side when he was allowed. That didn’t leave much time for sleep.
He sat in the chair next to Shepard’s bed and set his coffee down. It was only then that he realized Shepard was awake and watching him through those tired eyes of his.
“Hey,” Kaidan said, cracking a small smile and putting his hand over Shepard’s bandaged one.
A nurse was in the corner of the room, and she sat down, politely turning her chair so she wasn’t watching them. They never left Kaidan alone with Shepard, but they tried to give him as much privacy as possible when he was in here.
“Kai…dan,” Shepard said, words muffled by the oxygen mask he wore. “Sur…sur…”
“Surgery?” Kaidan said. Shepard gave a weak nod. Kaidan looked over at the nurse. “What’s his next surgery?”
“His right knee, Major Alenko. He’s scheduled for surgery on it tomorrow,” she said. “The doctors decided today that he was strong enough for it.”
That was good. That was great. They’d spent countless weeks just trying to fix Shepard’s worst injuries, repairing the trauma to his internal organs and struggling to keep him from losing any limbs. If they were operating on his knee, not only was he strong enough to handle it, but it meant it was worth it to the doctors to take that next step. They were going to start fixing his smaller issues. They had hope for him.
“That’s good news, John,” Kaidan said, but realized by the look on Shepard’s face that he didn’t feel quite the same. Kaidan’s smile slipped and he lightly squeezed Shepard’s hand. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. But this…this means they’re preparing for you to walk again.” He swallowed hard, unsure if what he was going to say next was too soon, too cruel. He said it anyways. “Fight, John.”
Shepard took the effort of turning his head to look at Kaidan. Shepard looked so beaten down and exhausted. Kaidan didn’t know how much of the war he remembered. The doctors wouldn’t let anyone ask him about it, or bring it up to him. They were worried it would trigger a violent flashback for him.
Did Shepard know Anderson was dead? He didn’t know about EDI. He didn’t know that, despite Legion’s sacrifice, the Crucible had wiped out the geth.
And none of them knew what he’d gone through to destroy the Reapers.
“Fight,” Shepard whispered, his fingers twitching, trying to curl around Kaidan’s hand. “Sol…dier.”
Kaidan thought about that party they’d had on the Citadel. About waking up with an arm around Shepard. He thought about them staring out at the Normandy, understanding it was likely the last time any of them would be together.
“Kai…dan,” Shepard said, struggling to focus. “Kaidan. I’m…” He caught his breath for a moment. “Okay. I’m o-okay.”
His body was broken and mangled, with what seemed like endless surgeries still needed. He’d been to hell and back, found barely alive in the ruins of London. He was constantly being given pain killers when he was awake. The doctors had yet to determine the scope of his mental trauma, but they feared it would cause him severe PTSD, survivor’s guilt, and depression.
But he was saying he was okay. He was still trying not to worry Kaidan.
Kaidan nearly choked out a laugh. Instead, he gave another careful squeeze to Shepard’s hand.
“You don’t have to be okay, John. I just want you to keep fighting. Even if it hurts, even if you feel like it’s hopeless, I just want you to fight. I’m going to stay by your side through everything,” he promised. “Brothers in arms, remember?”
“More,” Shepard said, closing his eyes for a moment. He forced them back open, determined to stay awake.
“More,” Kaidan said, bending down and kissing Shepard’s hand.
Shepard sank back against the pillows holding him up. He was so tired, so weak. He could feel that shrieking agony of pain pressing up against the haze of pain killers. He dreaded those moments where he woke up, his vision edged with darkness and his body burning, screaming, begging for it to end. The machines would cry out that he was breaking, dying, giving up. The doctors and nurses would swarm him, calling out what to inject him with next, and his body would jerk and twitch and tremble as medicine fought nature, temporary relief fought snarling pain.
But he was a soldier. He was a fighter. He’d fought as an orphan on earth, and he’d fought on Akuze, and he’d fought the Reapers. He’d fight this too.
It was an overwhelming task. But his eyes found Kaidan again, and he knew he was committed to the battle. Someday, however far away it was, he’d lift his arms and hold Kaidan in them. Someday he’d breathe on his own and, with the oxygen mask gone, he’d kiss Kaidan.
He still had something to fight for. The war carried on.
“John?” Kaidan said.
“Hm?” Shepard felt too tired to form words, his mind sluggish. Had they injected more drugs into him? He couldn’t remember what they’d done before Kaidan showed up. He was just so tired.
“Your hamster is an asshole. Bit me again last night when I changed his water.”
“Did he…go…for…the e-eyes?”
Kaidan felt relieved at the twitch of Shepard’s lips. He reached out, lightly stroking his fingers against Shepard’s cheek. They’d taken some of the bandages off his face, though his head remained tightly covered by them.
“You have to get better so you can care for that little asshole again,” Kaidan said.
“Don’t…call ‘im…don… d…”
Shepard closed his eyes, thoughts muddled. He felt the light squeeze on his hand to show that Kaidan understood. But he didn’t want to sleep yet.
He forced his eyes open again, looking over Kaidan’s face. His heart rate spiked as an image came to him.
Kaidan, face covered in blood, lying on the ground after nearly being crushed. Kaidan, limping along beside him toward the Normandy for the evac. Kaidan, reaching a hand out to him, blood all over him, eyes heartbroken.
“John!”
Shepard choked for air as the oxygen mask forced him to breathe again. The nurse was standing over him, Kaidan holding his hand.
Kaidan. Alive. Okay. No blood on his face. His eyes were wildly concerned, but not devastated.
“Okay,” Shepard gasped out shakily. “’M okay.”
“Major Alenko-” the nurse started, and Shepard, even through the fog of fear clouding his mind, understood she was going to ask him to leave.
“No,” he said, cursing in his mind when he couldn’t make his fingers close around Kaidan’s hand.
“I’m not going anywhere, John,” Kaidan assured, shooting a defiant look at the nurse.
Shepard waited anxiously, but when the nurse didn’t argue, he relaxed. His body was trembling from the sudden rush of fear, but he focused on his breathing, trying to even it out.
He felt fingers on his cheek again, brushing down his skin and against his beard. He had the sudden thought that he needed to shave, and coughed as a laugh tried to bubble out of him. He settled back against the pillows with a grimace. No laughing. That hurt.
Everything hurt.
He felt tired again. Kaidan was still stroking his cheek, and he took comfort in the touch. His gaze found Kaidan’s face, and he watched him while his heart rate settled and his mind cleared as much as it could.
“Go back to sleep if you’re tired. I’ll be here when you wake up,” Kaidan said.
Sometimes Kaidan wasn’t here when Shepard woke up. “He’s working” is all the doctors would tell him. But he was here more than he wasn’t. Sometimes Shepard woke up and found Kaidan to be the one asleep, slumped awkwardly in the chair next to the bed.
He didn’t want to go back to sleep. He didn’t want to wake up and find out Kaidan had to leave to work.
But Kaidan was a soldier. He had his duties to perform.
“Li…little…lon…”
“Okay,” Kaidan said, saving Shepard from struggling for the words any longer. “A little longer.” He gave a small smile, and Shepard felt overwhelmed by a new feeling.
Relief.
Relief that Kaidan was alive. The agonizing pain that shot through every inch of his body was worth it for that smile. He’d face the Reapers a thousand more times if it meant seeing Kaidan alive and well.
“K,” he whispered, speech taking too much effort. Kaidan leaned forward to hear him, and he focused as best he could, determined to make these words count. “Love you.”
The smile that came to Kaidan’s face nearly dragged one out of Shepard. He felt so relieved to see it. To know those words still impacted Kaidan like that.
“I love you too, John,” Kaidan said, and replaced his fingers on Shepard’s cheek with his lips, a light kiss. “I promise I’ll be here when you wake up. Please, get some sleep.”
Shepard closed his eyes, giving in to his exhaustion at last. He trusted Kaidan. Kaidan would be there when he woke up.
Kaidan would always be there.
And Shepard would fight to make sure he got to stand by Kaidan’s side again.