Work Text:
Liu Qingge had always thought frivolous things like love was beyond him. Such a weakness wasn’t needed for someone who lived his life in the pursuit of strength.
It was an unnecessary emotion, something that didn’t come to him naturally. He could probably live his life without ever knowing the highs and lows of love, but fate had other plans for him.
Love is that emotion that can make you feel as though you stood on the top of the world, or that you were being crushed underneath all the dirt on the earth. It could be both selfless or selfish. Happy or sad. It could give you that euphoric high…or heart breaking pain.
Is it possible to love someone for their entire life? As an immortal, such a concept was foreign to him.
An eternal love sounded attractive in theory, but he suspected it was impossible to achieve.
Maybe Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu would prove him otherwise? He watched the two of them interacting from a distance. He’d always ignored that itchy feeling he had when he saw those two together.
Why did it irritate him so much to see that sticky disciple always sticking to Shen Qingqiu? Was it really because he didn’t trust him? You were the reason he died. He self-detonated his soul for you. You’ve given him so much pain and fear—why did you insist on staying by his side?
He could vaguely recall that time with the succubus. Someone who always takes the initiative to see him first, they’re always together, and they’ve saved each other’s lives… was it?
For so many years, Liu Qingge thought her words pointed towards himself… but he was wrong. They referred to that detestable bastard that was shedding crocodile tears to his shixiong.
Was he disappointed? Maybe he was.
The tickling feeling in his chest grew stronger.
No matter what happened, Luo Binghe refused to let Shen Qingqiu go, chasing him to the ends of the earth.
That child was always sticking close to his ‘Shizun,’ crying for attention, pleading to never be abandoned again.
What can you do for him? Liu Qingge would protect Shen Qingqiu from any and all dangers. He will always be there to defend him or help him with whatever he needed (even if it made him some glorified taxi-service).
The man would never admit to it himself, but he was… happy being around Shen Qingqiu, which was a stark contrast compared to how they first started out. He found the other to be a deplorable and shameful man. It was so different now, it was shocking.
It seemed that he was a bit… nicer to Shen Qingqiu. Maybe it was because he was worried about the poison? Did he simply have a soft-spot for the elder disciple? He didn’t know the answer to that.
Every now and again, he’d contemplate on this during meditation. He’d stop once the annoyance of the ticklish feeling in his chest grated on his last nerve, and then he’d go out with his sword to practice his sword swings.
What made him so special? Liu Qingge couldn’t put his finger on it, but seeing the way Shen Qingqiu would smile around his beloved disciple brought him both sadness… and happiness? A smile was truly befitting that scholarly face of his, rather than that aloof gaze.
He was saved when he suffered from qi deviation. He was always praised for being a reliable shidi. Whenever possible, Shen Qingqiu would always offer a helping hand towards him… giving him advices.
The scholarly shixiong was… someone to be trusted, and respected. In regard to his own peak, he was well-loved by his disciples.
…
Well-loved…
Love?
Did he truly understand their hearts to think such a thing? He respected Shen Qingqiu like they respected their Shizun. He always did whatever was asked of him if it had a remote chance of earning him a smile from Shen Qingqiu.
Whenever he died, he momentarily lost his ability to function. There was an immense shock that he couldn’t get over, and it still plagued him till this day. He was willing to die for Shen Qingqiu, go through any lengths for him… but he couldn’t say he’d go that far for just anyone.
Did he… love Shen Qingqiu?
Just as he thought this, the ticklish feeling in his chest morphed into a full feeling that crawled up his throat and he collapsed against a tree, retching miserably. Purple vine blooms dropped to the ground unceremoniously.
He’d heard about this.
When you held one-sided affections for another, you would throw up flowers. This deadly illness could be solved if you had them surgically removed from your chest—but at the cost of your feelings towards your ‘special one.’
Sweat beaded down his forehead, blood left his face as realization hit him like a ton of bricks.
He loved Shen Qingqiu.
Hastily, he grabbed the blooms and escaped to his room before anyone noticed him. The blooms were cradled in his arm carefully, as if he were holding a fragile glass heart in his arm.
Once he sat in his dark room alone, he carefully inspected the vines of purple blooms. He knew that these were wisteria flowers. The delicate purple flowers looked untainted and healthy, even though they sprouted from inside of him.
Upon closer inspection, the flowers closer to the end of the vines were shriveled and dark red, as though they were dyed with his blood. They were dead.
Although being gentle wasn’t in his dictionary, he carefully removed the dead blooms and any that were tainted with his blood. He would go to a nearby pond to clean the rest, to remove them of any filth. If these flowers symbolized his feelings for Shen Qingqiu, he didn’t want them to look so sad.
What he’ll do with them, he didn’t know yet.
…
…
…
“Here.” After much contemplation, Liu Qingge couldn’t stare at the purple vines laying on his table any longer. He wanted to get rid of them in a way that didn’t require him to throw them away. They symbolized his feelings, after all.
In the end, he decided to gift them to the very person that was the reason for these manifesting and festering in his body.
“Wisteria? Liu-shidi, where did you get these? They don’t bloom at this time of the year. This would be nothing short of a miracle.”
Love isn’t something that comes and goes with the seasons, after all.
“Mn.” Liu Qingge didn’t feel the need to explain where the flowering vine came from and it seemed that Shen Qingqiu understood that he wasn’t going to be getting an answer so he smiled gently at the vine.
“I thank you, shidi. They’re beautiful. They will make for a wonderful decoration.”
A bitter expression tugged at his face. Treating his feellings as though they are decoration… how apt. “Do as you please!” He only had that to say before he left, but not without giving Luo Binghe a measured glare.
Treat him well and never make him sad. If you do, he’ll do whatever it takes to separate the two of you.
A hand clutched at his chest as he tried to ignore the ticklish feeling in his chest. Yes, he knows. Hold out until he escapes from here.
Don’t let him find out.
Please… don’t make him lose that smile.
…
…
…
In the darkness of his room at night, Liu Qingge stared at the bright moon that served as his companion most nights. What a lonely entity, could you understand his feelings?
“Should I talk to him about this?” He was referring to Mu Qingfan. He should be able to operate on him and remove the blooms.
Eyes never leaving the moon, he reflected on the smiling image etched in his mind from earlier that day. He snorted once. “You’re right.”
That smile is worth protecting.
Once more he clutched at his chest in pain before he expelled a new batch of flowers onto the ground, these looking more haggard than the last batch. Blood mixed in with the blooms.
He was about to dismiss them when he noticed something amiss. Among the purple wisteria vine of flowers he was expecting, there was something else mixed in with the vine.
What kinds of flowers are these? They were purple hyacinth. Why did he throw these up? Did something change?
The only thing he’d done differently now compared to before was that he’d resolved to live out these feelings of his, regardless of what ending they would give him.
Ah… maybe these symbolize his determination?
He gingerly picked one of the hyacinth flowers and held it up to the moonlight. “I think I’m making the right choice.”
Liu Qingge wasn’t going to make any risky challenges.
That smile was his to protect, and he’d guiltily die doing so, fully knowing Shen Qingqiu may blame himself for it.
What could be done about it?
He understood that Luo Binghe could protect him, but nothing could calm his heart more than resolving to lay his life down for the other.
If you gave him the choice between losing his feelings or dying for Shen Qingqiu’s sake, he’d always choose the latter. There was no guarantee that he’d still harbor protective feelings towards Shen Qingqiu if he went through with the surgery.
It’s possible he’d revert back to how they were those many years ago.
How could he allow himself to dessert Shen Qingqiu in his time of need?
Not only that, getting rid of the flowers made it feel as though he thought Shen Qingqiu wasn’t worth it– which wasn’t the case. The worth of Shen Qingqiu was much more than his own life.
As such, he refused to get rid of them.
Even if he died due to this illness, Shen Qingqiu’s sadness would only be temporary. He had Luo Binghe to support him through the pain.
They say love and time can heal everything, so he’ll be fine, even if he dies.
“Say, do you think he’ll spare me a thought once I die?”
It sure would be nice if he did.
How pitiful it was to think that no matter how much Shen Qingqiu occupied his mind, he probably didn’t show up at all in Shen Qingqiu’s mind unless he needed someone to help him.
Was it sad that even that remote amount of attention was enough to bring joy to his heart?
It didn’t matter to him if it was sad… it made him happy.
“Look after him once I’m gone, will you?”