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The wedding had been beautiful.
Coran had cried. Pidge had cried. Hunk had cried, clinging to Lance’s arm as Shay silently giggled at them from the other side of the altar.
During Shiro’s vows, Lance had experienced one moment of terror when he thought Keith was going to break down. He had been secretly relieved when the sad expression morphed into a soft smile. Keith had never cried during their time with Voltron, and Lance thought that if it ever actually happened, the world would legitimately end right there and then.
The reception had been beautiful, too. People had given heartfelt speeches and recounted humorous anecdotes. Shiro had commanded the room with a quiet voice and a raised glass as he gave thanks to all those who could not be there with them on this day. To the ones, he had said, whose sacrifices made it possible for all of us to be here, celebrating new beginnings. To Adam, who will always be in my heart, and to Princess Allura of Altea, who had a spirit strong enough to protect the entire universe, and whose sacrifice will never be forgotten.
Lance had bowed his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he allowed himself one moment to just miss her, as he had in the beginning. Over the many months since their final battle against Honerva, the pain of losing her had faded from a debilitating heartbreak to a gradual understanding. It would always hurt – he knew that – but he had finally come to accept the depth of her sacrifice, and understand that knowing her had helped him grow.
When he remembered her, now, it was with fondness, not grief.
Afterwards, he had hugged Shiro, and for a moment the two of them clung to one another, the strength of their embrace conveying more than words ever could.
Lance casually strolled through the crowd of wedding guests, as they danced and chatted and drank. There were so many faces he recognized, but he chose not to go over and say hello to avoid the awkwardness of not being able to remember most of their names.
That thought made him momentarily stop in his tracks as a memory flickered through his mind – bright colors, loud voices, faces flashing on a screen before him…
He frowned because it was the second time that day the memory of that weird dream game show had entered his mind.
It had been during the ceremony.
He couldn’t quite make sense of it – it was a feeling rather than anything specific – but it had happened while Curtis had been saying his vows.
“From the moment I saw you, I knew I wanted you to be a part of my life,” Curtis had said. “And that only solidified on the night you told me of your adventures… when you told me everything you had been through. I couldn’t believe you had chosen me to confide in. I couldn’t believe how much you had endured. I couldn’t believe how much I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and protect you from any further harships and pain. But how could I protect someone who is strong beyond belief, inside and, well –“ he had broken off with a smile, gesturing to Shiro’s upper body as the crowd laughed. “What I’m trying to say, I suppose,” he had continued. “Is that I am the luckiest person in the universe – and I can say that and mean it because you have traveled to worlds and realities beyond Earth. You have suffered and struggled and lost – and yet you remain an overwhelming force of power and strength and compassion. Your heart is big enough to cover worlds and galaxies. I look at you and, and what I see is…the future. And so I am the luckiest person in the universe because you have chosen to be my future.”
Lance had almost missed the last sentence because when Curtis had called Shiro the future, Keith had looked directly at him from the other side of the altar. It had lasted for maybe two seconds, but for Lance, the moment had seemed like an eternity – slowing down and stretching out like a rubber band ready to snap as he desperately tried to make sense of why his heart was beating faster… Why those words dredged up the memory of the game show.
Long after Keith had looked away, Lance kept staring at him, his eyebrows pulled slightly down as he tried to piece together the broken fragments swirling around his mind. But it was like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what picture it was supposed to form.
He shook off the memory, now, and continued on through the sea of people.
Pidge, Matt, Sam and Coleen huddled together, and Lance changed course to go join their group. He needed something familiar; something solid he could use to ground his thoughts.
“…what she did was beyond heroic and admirable,” Sam Holt was saying as Lance approached. “Without her, none of us would be here right now.”
“I know,” Pidge agreed, her voice small and sad. “I just wish she could have been here, too. She would have really liked – oh, Lance, I’m –“
They were all turning to look at him, now, and he waved them off. Coming to stand between Pidge and Matt, he softly bumped Pidge’s shoulder with his elbow. “Hey, you don’t have to worry about me, okay? I miss her, too, but…Sam’s right. She saved us. She saved everyone, and it sucks and at times I hate her for it, but I understand.” He knew that Pidge saw it wasn’t a lie. “She was so much more than any of us, and we were all incredibly lucky to have known her.”
Pidge nudged him back, a grateful smile on her face.
“I didn’t know her as well as you all did,” Matt interjected. “But I honestly never pegged her for the sacrifice-yourself-to-save-everyone type.” As Pidge and Lance turned in unison to give him a look, he waved his hands in front of his face defensively. “I don’t mean that as an insult, I just –“ he shrugged. “You were all there, and if anyone was going to do the whole self-sacrificing thing, I’d have thought it would have been Keith, after what he tried to do at the battle of Naxzela.”
“Are you kidding me? Keith would –“ Apparently Matt’s words caught up to Pidge and Lance at the same time, because he felt her grab his arm the exact moment he broke off. “Wait, what are you talking about?”
“Naxzela?” Pidge asked. “Wasn’t that the planet Haggar was using as a bomb? Remember Lance? We got trapped by a gravity field.”
“Yeah, that one. Luckily Lotor showed up before he could…” Matt’s face twisted in confusion. “Didn’t you talk to him afterwards?”
“No.” Lance scowled at Matt because he wasn’t making any sense. “He just went off with the Blades again and we didn’t hear from him for phoebes.”
“Matt, what did he do?” Pidge demanded.
“Look, if he hasn’t told you then it’s not my –“
“Matt!”
Matt groaned, rubbing the back of his neck. “Okay, but maybe it wasn’t as big a deal as I’m making it out to be. I mean, it’s been years and he’s still here so…” He dropped his hand, shoving both into his pockets before glancing first at Pidge and then Lance. “After we had figured out the witch was controlling the bomb from her cruiser, we tried to blast through the barrier surrounding her ship. It wasn’t working and we were all getting desperate – we knew we wouldn’t be able to break through with our weapons and Voltron wasn’t going to make it in time – and then I heard him over the comms saying something like ‘maybe we don’t need our weapons.’ Then he just…took off. I tried to get him to stop when I realized what he was doing, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He was going to use his ship to try to break through he barrier.”
“But that’s stupid!” Pidge protested. “He should have known that would –“
“Katie,” Matt said quietly. “He absolutely knew. That’s why I thought he would have been the one to sacrifice himself instead of Allura. The fate of the universe and his loved ones and all that.”
As Matt recounted the story, ice had crept around Lance’s ribcage, squeezing his lungs until he wasn’t even sure he was breathing. It spread through his body until he couldn’t feel Pidge’s hand on his arm anymore. The happy murmur of the crowd surrounding them faded out until there was nothing but a roaring in his ears.
It had taken Lance months to feel like himself again after Allura’s sacrifice, and he knew most of it had been thanks to Keith. They hadn’t seen each other very often since their last battle in Voltron, but every time Keith had visited, he had left Lance feeling a little better; a little less broken, a little more hopeful. Keith had always acted differently than everyone else who knew of the situation. Keith had never babied him, never pitied him, never pushed him to talk or made Lance feel like he had to put on a good face around him. Lance had never had to pretend he wasn’t hurting, and Keith never needed to say anything for Lance to know how well he understood.
Losing Allura had hurt more than anything Lance had experienced before, but the realization of how close they had been to losing Keith hurt worse, and it took a moment for him to understand why.
Allura had left them knowing she was loved and she would be missed. Keith had walked away from the team that day with the confirmation that they had never needed him in the first place. No wonder he –
Pidge shoved past Lance, pushing Matt harshly out of the way as she made a beeline toward the group standing with Shiro and Curtis. Lance jerked out of his frozen trance and turned to see black hair pulled into a ponytail, the back of a white suit; Shiro’s hand resting casually on one shoulder.
Keith looked down to smile at Pidge as she approached the group. Lance stood too far away to clearly hear what she was saying, but he did see the smile vanish from Keith’s face as she planted herself before him, hands on her hips. She said something sharp and pointed, and then without warning, her hand shot out, connecting with his cheek.
The slap drew everyone’s attention briefly to the group. Shiro grabbed both of Keith’s shoulders, leaning forward to try to reason with Pidge, but she just jabbed an accusing finger at his face and kept talking. Lance saw the moment Shiro drew back, his whole body tensing as Keith’s shoulders slumped, bangs obscuring his eyes as he bowed his head. And then arms were wrapping around him, Shiro’s engulfing his shoulders as Pidge’s small arms wrapped around his waist.
And suddenly Lance needed to be there. His feet were moving before his brain even issued a conscious command. He approached the group, unsure of what he wanted to say or do when he got there. He just wanted to see Keith’s face.
“…isn’t about me,” Keith was saying. “This is Shiro’s day, and we owe it to him to not bring down the mood.”
Pidge was sniffling, and he softly put a hand on her hair before he caught movement from the corner of his eye and turned to look directly at Lance.
“Not you, too,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Come on, guys, it was years ago. I don’t even remember it, so neither should you.” When no one responded to that, he groaned. “Look, we’ve all done reckless things because we had to. We’ve all made decisions that put our lives in danger, so can you all just lay off? Lance, can you stop looking at me like that? Today is supposed to be a happy day for Shiro because he fucking deserves it, so can we just forget this ever happened?”
No.
None of them needed to say the word, because it was clear in their expressions. Keith let out a frustrated growl and pried Pidge off him, slipping out of Shiro’s grasp. “Okay, well…I’m going to get a drink or something so…” He gave a little wave before hurrying off through the crowd.
Lance stared after him, unsure of what exactly he was feeling. He stared and stared at Keith’s retreating back before it was swallowed up in the crowd.
Why didn’t he say anything?
“You know how he is.”
Lance turned in surprise at Shiro’s response. He hadn’t realized he’d spoke the question out loud.
“Or I should say you know how he was back then. He was always like that. He didn’t want to let anyone in. He always wanted to figure everything out on his own. He probably thought we all had enough to deal with already, and it would only be an unnecessary burden if he talked about it.”
“But he’s let me vent to him before,” Lance said it without thinking. “He listened and gave me advice and told me –“ And suddenly his feet were moving again because a thought had just hit him. A horrible, crushing thought, and he needed Keith to confirm it wasn’t true.
Keith was leaning on the bar, facing away from the crowd when Lance caught up to him. He didn’t even turn as Lance settled in beside him, resting his elbows on the bar behind him and looking out at nothing in particular.
“Lance, come on.” It came out like a sigh. “Would you just –“
“I died,” Lance blurted. “Did you know that? Yeah…we were trying to fix a radiation shield and it was malfunctioning. Allura was about to be caught in the line of fire from these, like, bolts of electricity and I just –“ He thrust his hands forward, imitating the action of moving the lion. “Didn’t even think – just reacted.” He let out a huff of a laugh. “Like you. But, anyway, she brought me back somehow. I felt her calling to me…drawing me up toward the light. It was…I mean, I don’t know if freaky is the right word but…” He trailed off, humor draining from his voice. “If she hadn’t been there with her Altean alchemy…if Lotor hadn’t been there with his overpowered ship…” Finally he turned to look at Keith, whose eyes were fixed on a single point of the bar’s surface as if he was trying to set it on fire with his gaze. “Look, I just want to say I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad we’re both here. I mean –“ he grinned, knocking a fist against Keith’s arm. “We’re at Shiro’s wedding! Who would’ve thought?”
Keith didn’t respond immediately. In fact, he looked frozen, still staring at that one spot, unblinking. Then, his shoulders slumped. “So Allura really saved everyone.” It was so quiet, Lance barely caught it, but he didn’t have time to respond before Keith continued. “Look, Lance, I…I’m glad you told me. I’m…I’m angry and sad and – and fucking horrified it happened…but I’m glad you told me.”
All pretense of good nature dropped from Lance’s expression as he turned to fully face Keith, one hand gripping his shoulder. “So why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was low and biting. “I trusted you with my life and my insecurities. I thought you trusted me, but I guess you didn’t when it really mattered.”
“Lance, don’t do that.” Keith’s head was bowed, his face hidden. “I did trust you. I will always trust you. It just…it wasn’t your problem.”
“It was, though!” Lance was growing frustrated, because he needed to make Keith understand how important this was, and he wasn’t sure he would be able to. “All those times I came to talk to you not just as our leader, but as my friend. Do you remember? You told me not to doubt myself. You helped me. I could have done the same for you if you would just let me in – just a little!”
Keith let out a sigh that was a borderline groan. “Yes, but I was the leader. I was the one who was supposed to have the solution – not the problem.”
“But you’re also a human being!” Lance waved a hand in annoyance before a protest could be made. “Yeah, yeah – Galra, human – whatever. You know what I mean. The point is we all have problems, and we’re not supposed to hold them in. We don’t always have to deal with them on our own.” A wave of desolation washed over him as he added in a small voice, “You taught me that.”
The fingers around Keith glass tightened, and he let out a small, shaky breath. “Lance, I…I never meant for you to feel like you weren’t my friend, I was just… I was dealing with things I didn’t know how to handle, and it was a lot. It was too much, honestly, and it…may have given me thoughts that weren’t great. And looking back, now, being with the Blades at that time was probably the worst thing I could have done because it was all about the mission with them and not…” Keith trailed off, drawing in a breath before letting it out slowly.
“Jesus, Keith.” Lance relaxed his grip, letting his hand slide down Keith’s arm until it rested there – just touching. Because he needed to touch him in that moment. “I’m so sorry. I should have seen it. You were pulling away from us. You were purposefully making us mad at you – purposefully making us think you didn’t care – so it would be easier to leave. Isn’t that right?” He hadn’t expected an answer, and he did not get one.
Lance turned his attention back to the crowd, trying to find the right words for what he knew he had to say next. He didn’t want to know, in all honesty, but he also understood that it was something he needed to hear. “Can I ask you something – and can you give me an honest answer?”
Keith visibly tensed, his eyes darting quickly up for a second before fixing on the spot again. “Depends.”
Lance shook his head. “No, man. No depends. I need to know the truth.”
Keith’s hands clenched around the drink he had yet to touch. His answer was barely above a whisper. “Fine.”
“Fine.” Lance drew in a breath, even now thinking for a split second of backing out. “When you left for the Blade or Marmora, you said it was about a mission you needed to be on. You told me things would work themselves out…and they did, didn’t they? Shiro got Black, I got to stay in Red, Allura got to stay in Blue, and you got to go off and be a Galra ninja like your mom. Right?”
“Right.”
“Except I saw your fucking face, Keith.” He remembered it like it was yesterday – because that expression had haunted him for months afterwards, even though he had not fully understood why before. “You walked out that door, and you thought no one could see you, but I was watching, and you looked…I don’t know – heartbroken! You didn’t want to leave, did you? We were your friends, and you wanted to stay with us.”
“What’s your question?”
“My question is…did you leave because of me? Did you leave because of what I said?”
“Yes.”
Lance drew back, clamping his lower lip between his teeth because there it was. The answer he had already known. The answer he never wanted to hear.
He hadn’t just ignored Keith at a time when he needed it most – he had been the cause of it.
Keith finally looked up from the bar, his hand shooting out to grab Lance’s sleeve for a second before he yanked it back as if he’d touched something slimy. “I mean, not because –“ He ran a hand over his face, groaning in frustration. “Yes, I left so you wouldn’t feel like an extra piece, but I also left because… Look, I was a bad leader, and everyone knew it. No one trusted me or the decisions I made – and they were right. Shiro was always better, and it pissed me off that no one would actually just come out and say it. The team didn’t need me – not until I got my shit together.”
“We did, though. We could have figured it out. We could have helped each other.” Lance hated how small his voice sounded.
Keith only shrugged. “Yeah, well…can’t change it, now. And like I said, there were a lot of things I needed to figure out alone.” He paused, glancing down. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you…died. And I’m sorry about…” He dragged his gaze up to meet Lance’s eyes like it was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. “I saw you, you know. When I was in the quantum abyss, it showed me glimpses of the past and the future, and I saw you…and Allura. You were eating dinner with your family, and you both looked really happy. So I’m…” He put a hand on Lance’s arm as Lance fell back against the bar with a soft thump, the edge of the wood pressing into his spine as he tried to breathe past the lump in his throat. “I just…I would have taken her place if I could have. So I’m sorry.”
“You –“ Lance squeezed his eyes shut, the feeling of what little stability he had built up over the months crumbling to the ground. “You think that would have been better?” he choked out.
Keith sounded a little surprised by the question. “Well, yeah.”
“You think I would have been happy – you think any of us would have been happy – if you were gone instead of her?”
“I think –“
“No, you really don’t.” Lance spat the words at him, loud enough that several people turned to look their way. “You already left us once, so you don’t know what it was like!”
“I do think it would have been better! You told me it would have been better when you told me I should have just stayed away!”
The words hit Lance like a slap, and all he could do was stare at Keith – eyes wide and mouth open. “Wait, I didn’t…” He couldn’t find the words he needed. “I didn’t mean it,” he tried, but it wasn’t enough. Understanding what he did, now; knowing he had been the one to say those words –
He started in surprise as he felt Keith’s fingers wrap around his wrist, hauling him away from the bar and the crowd.
“What are you doing?” But Keith didn’t respond. He dragged Lance down a grassy hill away from the reception until they found themselves at the edge of the building where the ceremony had been held. Only then did Keith release his grip.
“I’m sorry I made you upset.”
That was definitely not what Lance had been expecting.
“I’m sorry I brought her up. I’m sorry I made you think of a time when you were happier. I wish…I wish there was something I could do to help you, but I just…I’m not good at stuff like this.”
“You’re better than you think, and Hunk agrees with me.”
“Not as good as you.”
It took Lance a moment to process what had been said. When he did, he swung his head slowly around, staring with wide eyes. “Did you just –“ A slow smirk began to pull at one corner of his mouth as he shoved a finger against Keith’s chest. “Did you just admit I’m better at something than you?”
Keith swatted his hand away. “This isn’t about that stupid rivalry you made up between us, is it? Of course there are things you’re better at than me!”
Lance placed his palm over his own heart, shaking his head. “Hey, I did not make up that rivalry. We always challenged each other and pushed each other to do better, you can’t deny that.”
Keith was eyeing him, arms folded across his chest. “You might even say we made a good team?”
“Yeah, we…” The memory flickered around the corner of Lance’s mind – just out of reach.
Soft purple light, his hand being held, a warm smile, arms wrapping around him, someone carrying him as he slowly drifted into unconsciousness.
The specifics of it had always been hazy, but the feeling of safety that accompanied those scattered images had always stuck with him. It was a memory he called upon throughout the years whenever he felt especially lonely or anxious.
Because it had stemmed from a time when he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he had never been able to recall exactly what had happened – and because of the big deal Keith had uncharacteristically made after he had woken up from the cryopod, he had always been deathly curious to find out.
Just not curious enough to actually go to the one person who could absolutely tell him. By this point, he chose to not fully remember out of principle.
Lance blinked several times, feeling suddenly overwhelmed.
It didn’t help at all when Keith took a step closer, bending forward and putting his face directly into Lance’s field of vision. The start of a smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth. “What’s that face, Lance?” His tone was light and teasing. “Did you just remember something?”
“Your precious bonding moment? You’re really never gonna let that go, are you?” But Lance was smiling, despite himself. “What I do remember is how emotional you got after I woke up. You wanted me to remember that moment so badly. Did you say something to me then that was like –“ His eyes widened, his hand shooting out and smacking Keith lightly in the chest. “Holy shit, Keith, did you make some kind of big confession to me – did you reveal some deep, dark secret you’ve never told anyone else?”
Keith tilted his head, raising his eyebrows. “Maybe I did. Too bad you don’t remember.”
“I do remember!” Lance blurted. “I mean…kind of. It’s just –“ It was too much. The feeling was too strong and I hate that I can’t remember why. “I don’t remember you saying anything, though.”
“Hm. Too bad.”
“Keith, come on!” Lance drew the words out in a whine. “Keith, my man…I want to know your deepest, darkest secrets. Please! I passed out – you can’t blame me for not remembering! I’ll – I’ll tell you a secret of mine.”
Keith scoffed, but the sound was soft and fond. “Do you even have any secrets?”
“Oh, there’s a million things you don’t know about me, man. You’d be surprised.”
“Really? Like what?”
“Like how I’m not dumb enough to fall for that and just blurt something out without you following through, too. Now come on. Or –“ he added quickly as an idea popped into his head. “How about we do this. If you’re too embarrassed, we’ll tell each other each two true things and one things that’s false and then you can reveal your darkest secret to me but I’ll never really know for sure which it is.”
“Or we could not do that.”
Both hands found Lance’s hip as he cocked his head to the side, smirking. “What, are you scared or something?”
The look Keith leveled at him was not amused. “That’s not going to work on me.”
“Oh no? You too worried my secrets are going to be way better than yours or something?”
“I really doubt that.”
“Well, we won’t ever know until we actually say them.”
Keith let out a groan, his body collapsing in on itself before he straightened back up and folded his arms. “Fine. But you got first so I can think of what to say.”
“You’re too damn easy, Mullet,” Lance teased before tapping his chin with a finger. “Okay, let’s see…” He held up one finger. “Okay, so first one: My biggest insecurity is that I will never be good enough for anyone, including myself.” A second finger joined the first. “I once asked a teacher out on a date after class –“ And then the third finger, “And if anyone ever hears me play guitar, they basically just fall in love right on the spot.”
Keith raised an eyebrow. “Too bad you didn’t have a guitar in space. You could have ended the war and spent the rest of your days fighting off swarms of alien girls.”
“See, I know you’re being sarcastic, but get me a guitar right now and I’ll prove it to you.”
For a moment, Keith’s face settled into an expression that had Lance biting the inside of his lip, because it almost looked like…hope. Just as quickly, it was gone, and he was frowning.
“Now it’s your turn,” Lance prompted, but Keith was shaking his head.
“No, hold on. Tell me your lie was the first one.” It wasn’t phrased as a question. It sounded more like a demand.
“You’d rather have me ask a teacher out after class?”
“Well, yeah, actually, because that would mean…” Keith’s frown intensified. “I’d rather have you be flirty and cocky enough to do that than…” He seemed to wilt a little, slumping in on himself, leaving the sentence unfinished.
Lance sighed, leaning back against the wall of the building. “Yeah, everyone would rather have that version of me, but it’s just…not true.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to be a version of yourself you don’t feel, I just –” Keith’s arms tightened around himself, fingers clutching at the fabric of his suit jacket. “Look, man, I know it’s gonna sound weird coming from me, but I know you’ve been through a lot and I want you to be happy. I mean, after everything, you deserve…” He waved a hand in the direction of where the reception was still going on. “All this. You deserve someone who’s gonna stand up and tell the world how amazing you are, and I just…shit.” He trailed off, hiking his shoulders up and turning his head to focus intently on something on the ground.
Lance wrapped his arms around his torso, trying to keep the weird, fluttery feeling in his stomach at bay. “You think –“
Keith interrupted before he could finish his thought. “Anyway, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m going to head back to the reception.”
Lance’s hand shot out and grabbed hold of the sleeve of Keith’s jacket. “Like hell you are! I literally just told you my biggest insecurity. I’ve never told anyone that before. We had a deal!”
“Lance – I’m done.”
“Why? What changed?” Lance couldn’t keep a note of desperation from his voice because it was happening again.
He felt like his entire life consisted of moments where he just stood still and watched Keith walk away. He was always one step behind; always too slow or too late. His fingers trembled around their flimsy hold on Keith’s jacket, but he refused to loosen his grip. He refused to let go because he was abruptly, fiercely consumed by the feeling that if he let Keith walk away one more time, it would be the last.
“Nothing changed,” Keith snapped, yanking his sleeve out of Lance’s grasp. “I’m just done.”
He turned, taking a step back the way they’d come – and suddenly Lance didn’t care how desperate he sounded.
“Don’t leave me again!” The words almost seemed to echo through the stillness that followed.
They were Lance’s true secret – the one he didn’t even really understand, himself. It was the secret he would never be able to vocalize until he could actually say why he needed Keith to stay so badly; why every time Keith had walked away, it had made the ache in his chest grow until it was a constant dull pressure gripping his heart.
“Please –“ Lance was begging and he didn’t even care. “Don’t run away from me again. I’m sorry for whatever I said or did, just…don’t leave.”
Keith turned stiffly, and Lance almost flinched at the fire in his eyes. He held his ground, though, even when Keith stalked toward him, pinning Lance with his gaze like a deer in headlights. “Fine. Fine! You want to know my secrets? Here you go.” He shoved a finger against Lance’s chest – once. “Out of everyone on the team, I’ve always been the one who’s expendable.” Twice. “I’ll never be happy like the rest of you because that’s not what I deserve.” And a third time. “And I want to pin you against the side of this building and kiss you until you can’t think anymore about how you’re not good enough.” He grabbed Lance’s shoulders and for one breathless moment, Lance thought he was actually going to do it.
But Keith only shoved him, his back and shoulders thumping against the hard wood planks of the wall behind him. Keith started to turn again; he started to leave again, and this time Lance grabbed his wrist, his fingers squeezing tightly in a hold that wouldn’t be so easy to slip out of.
“Which –“ Lance licked his lips because his mouth was suddenly very dry. “Which one of those was the lie, Keith?”
Keith only shook his head, face hidden by his bangs. “Who knows? Wasn’t that the whole point?”
“No, because you figured out mine.” Lance could feel his heart beating vigorously against his ribcage like it was trying to escape his chest. “And you know what? I may not know a lot, but I know you. You keep a lot to yourself, but you’re not a good liar.”
“I’m a lot better than you think.”
“Yeah, yeah – you’re good at everything you do,” Lance snapped. “But the thing is…I don’t think any of those were lies. I think you just told me three things that were absolutely true, and that you’ve been holding in for years.”
“It doesn’t matter, Lance!”
“Yes it does! It fucking matters!” Lance yanked unexpectedly on Keith’s wrist, making him stumble a step closer.
“Stop it.” Lance wanted to crumple to the ground at the broken sound of Keith’s voice. “This is Shiro’s wedding. Just let this be a happy day. I shouldn’t have snapped like that, so can we just forget the whole thing?”
But there was no way Lance was going to let this go. “Let this be a happy day,” he echoed. “For everyone but you. Because that’s what you deserve – to just sit quietly by and watch everyone else be happy?”
“Yes.”
“Including me?”
“Especially you. I told you already.”
“Right.” Lance’s face twisted as he let out a sarcastic snort of laughter. “You want me to be happy. Well, guess what? I’m not happy. I’m really not happy. I’ve had a bunch of horrible years, and you know what makes it worse? Finding out one of my best friends almost killed himself years ago and thinks he doesn’t deserve to be happy!” He choked on the last words, fighting off the tears rising in his throat. It was too much, and he wanted to fix it. He wanted – “Fuck, just…you know what I think? I think we both deserve a little bit of happiness. I think the universe owes us that much.”
Keith started to say his name, but Lance waved him off. “No, we do. We deserve to go back up there to Shiro’s wedding and hang out by the bar and make fun of all the people we don’t know. We deserve to watch just how much self-control it takes for Shiro not to flip the fuck out on Slav every time he says something would have worked better in another reality. I mean, really – why was he invited to the wedding?” Lance let out a watery chuckle, giving Keith’s wrist a tiny squeeze of reassurance. “We deserve to go back there and dance together without worrying what anyone else is doing, or what anyone else will say. And we deserve this.” He yanked Keith’s wrist again, pulling him into a hug before he could wriggle away.
The breath Lance had been unconsciously holding in left his lungs as soon as he felt Keith’s arms slide around his waist. Lance had decided a while back that Keith’s usual lack of physical affection actually made it better when he went out of his way to offer a touch. It had taken years, but whenever Lance received a pat on the back, or an arm around his shoulders – or the one time he had been crying and Keith had gathered him in an embrace and held him until he calmed down – he knew it was for a reason. Keith never wasted a touch, and every time Lance was on the receiving end, it made him feel better – no matter what his day had been like up until that point.
Keith’s arms wrapped around him, now, warm and strong and –
Safe.
“Even in the beginning, you were always the only person I could count on without question.” Lance rested his chin on Keith’s shoulder. “You had my back. I had yours. I trusted you, and you trusted me and relied on me like no one ever has before. I didn’t need to be someone else with you. I didn’t need to pretend, and that’s something more valuable than I think I could ever actually put into words.” The last sentence came out as a hoarse whisper as he blinked back tears, because the moment he said it, he knew one thing with absolute certainty… he’d had to pretend with Allura.
One of Keith’s arms rose to his upper back, pulling him in closer, squeezing just a little tighter. “I will spend every day for the rest of my life,” Lance murmured, “proving to you that you are not expendable, and that you don’t just deserve to be happy, Keith – you deserve the fucking world.”
They were pressed so close together, he felt just how much Keith’s body tensed up at those words. His hands trembled as they clutched the back of Lance’s shirt.
Lance pulled back to look at his face –
– and just like that, the world ended.
He had never actually wanted to see Keith cry.
It was terrible and shocking and –
Fucking beautiful.
Something inside Lance snapped, because no matter how much Keith had kept hidden before, in this moment he had let his defenses fall, shattering to pieces at his feet. Lance didn’t need to hear him say how much Keith trusted him, because nothing would ever be more proof than this.
Their arms were still wrapped around each other, and Keith let out a muffled noise of surprise as Lance pressed their lips together. He slid a hand around to the back of Keith’s neck, silently encouraging him: Kiss me back. Kiss me back.
When Keith only stayed frozen in shock, Lance pulled away, a little disappointed. “So I guess the part about pinning me to the wall was the lie after a –“
The last word was cut off as Keith’s hand pressed firmly into the small of his back, the other rising to cup Lance’s cheek as he pulled him forward.
Keith kissed the same way he did everything else – impulsively, passionately, and with purpose – and Lance clung to him as he felt himself being swept away. Keith broke away for a second before diving back in – his lips parting against Lance’s as he deepened the kiss. Lance pushed back, a thrill racing through his body – fierce and fiery, like a bolt of lightning – as he felt Keith’s tongue slide against his own –
– and then nothing.
His eyes snapped open as the warmth of Keith’s arms left him abruptly.
Keith was backing away, his fingertips pressed against his lips. He was breathing hard, shaking his head as if he was just realizing what had happened.
Lance reached a hand out toward him, feeling utterly confused because Keith had kissed him back. Keith had lunged forward and pulled him close and kissed him like nothing else mattered. So why did he look so frightened, now? Why had he stopped?
“Keith –“
Keith held a hand out in front of him, still shaking his head. “Don’t. Just… Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…but you…you… I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? What are you talking about?” Lance stepped forward and Keith backed away, keeping distance between them.
“Look, can we please just forget this entire conversation happened? Forget we told secrets; forget we hugged. Forget we…just forget.” He finally met Lance’s gaze, eyes still shining from the tears, jaw clenched like he was preparing himself for an argument or a reprimand.
“Why?”
“Fuck…please just…” Keith continued to back away as Lance moved toward him again, this time with intent. “It’s just…it’s real for me, okay? I know how much you love Allura. I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. If she had broken up with you it might have been different, but she didn’t. She…she’s gone, and I didn’t always like her…but I did respect her, and I feel like I’m disrespecting her memory and the connection you shared.”
“Keith,” Lance said sharply, but Keith just kept backing away, looking like he was going to bolt at any second and get lost in the reception crowd. “Keith, stop!” Lance raised his voice, planting his feet and glaring at his friend. “Just stop. Just – goddamn it, stop running away!” Keith did stop, but averted his gaze so all Lance could see was the scowl twisting his lips. “Stop running, and be just honest with me!”
Keith didn’t speak, but he was at least standing still, now, and Lance was grateful for that.
“What am I to you? How do you actually, honestly, feel about me?”
Keith shifted uncomfortably. “I…I’m not going to answer that.”
“Please. I deserve to know.”
“You’re – you’re my friend. My teammate.”
“No. No, Keith!”
“It’s true.”
“And that’s it? That’s all I am?”
“That’s all you are.”
“You’re lying.”
The only response was in the intensity of Keith’s scowl.
Lance took one step forward, unable to keep the sharpness from his voice. “I can tell when you’re lying, Keith!”
“No, you can’t.”
“What? Of course I –“
“I’ve been lying to you for years. You never noticed before, so why does it matter now?”
Ice was beginning to creep around Lance’s chest again, squeezing his lungs and pressing against his heart. He straightened, hands balling into fists by his sides. “You’ve been lying to me for years?” The ice in his chest was reflected in his tone. “Well stop it. Stop being scared of what you think might happen and just talk to me!”
“You really want to know how I feel about you?” Keith flung an arm out to the side, hand slashing through the air. “You are like the fucking sun, because you are bright and warm and dangerous and – and just completely untouchable.”
“How am I untouchable?”
“Because you love Allura! You always loved her, and you both were supposed to be together!” Unrestrained distress made Keith’s voice rise, crackling across the tension and the space between them. “I saw –“
“Yeah, yeah, you saw us in the quantum abyss. You saw us having dinner with my family, right? Well, yeah, that happened. That was our first date. I know you remember our date because I came to you before it happened. I showed up with a string of sausages around my neck and a bucket on my head, and you –“
The words died in his throat as Lance remembered.
The soft golden-orange light of a sunset was warm and comforting. He could feel the evening breeze on his face, and hear the soft sounds of the desert, interrupted only by the quiet, reassuring voice of the person sitting to his right.
It was the memory he called upon when life was overwhelming. He would close his eyes and let the glow of the sunset and the tranquility of the evening wash over him when things were rushing, spinning, spiraling out of control. When he needed to feel calm; when he needed to feel in control.
When he needed to feel safe.
Except it wasn’t just safety he felt from this memory.
It was something strong and deep and fierce and unbreakable.
“I came to you for encouragement with a bucket on my head and you told me…you fucking told me I was good enough,” Lance breathed, the realization hitting him like a punch to the gut. “I was wearing saucepans as shoulder guards, and you told me I was good enough because I’ve always been good enough for you, haven’t I? And you…you’ve always been the one I go to when I need help. You’ve always been the one I…” It was as if everything in his life had always been suspended in the air above his head – and suddenly it was all falling into place, crashing down at his feet. “Of course I loved Allura.” His hands were shaking as he held them out before him. “I’ll always love her, but…it’s always been you, hasn’t it? Half my life – even when we were at the Garrison…it’s always been you.”
Keith made a choked sound at the back of his throat and sank to the ground. He curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his bent knees and burying his face in the crook of an elbow.
Lance watched him for a moment. When he approached, it was careful, purposeful. He knelt before Keith, placing his hands in his lap – not touching yet; not touching until he absolutely meant it. “Why are you fighting this so hard? Why are you always fighting? The war is over – just let go.”
A quiet sniff was the only response, and it broke Lance’s heart. He leaned forward, lifting his arms and letting them slide deliberately around Keith’s shoulders. “Keith, I need you to let me in,” he whispered. “I know you’ve still got some walls, man, but please don’t shut me out.”
“I tried shutting you out.” The answer was muffled. “I tried pushing you away to make it easier for myself, but you always pushed back. You just barged into my life and settled down, and refused to budge. And then…” Keith paused for a moment, drawing in a breath. When he spoke again, his voice sounded more composed. “And then we met Allura, and she was all you could talk about.” He raised his head slowly, and Lance shifted back to give him space, hands sliding forward but maintaining contact. “It’s not like I could even blame you for that. She was strong and caring and commanding and powerful. She was a magic fucking Princess who could throw a grown man across the room with one arm! But she was also really…gentle, and even when I disliked her, I still wanted her approval.” His arms tightening around his knees as he attempted a reassuring smile. “And I…am not like her. I will never be like her, and I would be stupid to try to take her place. You were always my first choice, Lance. That’s how I feel about you. That’s the truth. Like I said, this is real for me, and if it were my decision I would pick you.” The smile stretched further across his face, twisting his features into a look of grim acceptance. “But it’s not, and I am finally at a point in my life where I respect myself enough to not be a rebound.”
Lance wanted to grab him and shake that expression off his face, because the flashing, neon lights of the game show were back – and this time he finally understood.
The cheering of the crowd echoed in his ears – the loud, smarmy voice of Bob as he addressed each one of them individually. Words falling from his own lips in answer, even as he felt Hunk’s worried eyes on his face.
The intensity of Keith’s gaze as it met his from the opposite side of the altar.
I picked Keith.
He’s our leader, plus he’s half-Galra, so I think he’s like –
“The future.”
“What?”
“That’s you.”
Keith’s eyebrows pulled together in a frown. “What?”
Lance leaned away suddenly, rocking back on his heels, because for the first time in a really long time everything was completely clear – and he knew exactly what to say. “Everything up until this point has happened, right?”
Keith eyed him warily, drawing out his answer as if asking where are you going with this. “Yeah…”
“So that’s all in the past.” Lance could feel the first signs of a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth, but he bit it back because he needed to get out his entire train of thought first. “Allura was my first love. She was my first choice. But she would also be the first one to tell me that it’s time to move on. I can’t do anything about the past, but I can move on. That’s all any of us can do.” He shook his head, letting a crack of a smile shine through. “It’s not about second choices. It’s not about rebounds. It’s about knowing what you want, and knowing what you need.” He glanced up the hill toward the festivities where they could just barely hear music playing. “I wanted Allura because she was all the things you said, and more. She was everything I dreamed of growing up. But over the past several months…I think I’ve grown up more.” He looked at Keith, barely able to see him through the strength of his revelation. “What I need isn’t a dream. It’s not some childhood fantasy; it’s something grounded and real. It’s someone I can count on, and someone who can count of me. It’s someone who never asked me to be anything other than myself. It’s someone I can sit and watch the sunset with.” He saw Keith’s eyes widen a fraction, but ploughed on. “When we first started this crazy journey we were so young, and we all thought we could do everything on our own. But we’re not so young anymore, Keith, and I couldn’t have done any of this without you. What’s past is past, and the only thing left is the future.” He shrugged, his voice light and soft as he spoke the words as if they were an irrefutable fact – one simple truth. “And I think somewhere in my heart I’ve always known…the future is you.”
Lance watched as Keith processed his words. He watched as Keith’s eyes went from wide and unbelieving to something soft and warm. And Lance almost kicked himself because he had seen that expression before a hundred times.
“I have to admit,” Keith said quietly, “that was a pretty good speech. You’ve always known what to say when it counts.”
Lance chuckled, dropping his head. The sound died on his lips as warm fingers brushed against his chin, tilting his face back upwards.
“So this –“ Keith looked at him – open and earnest, eyes searching his own. “Is this something you actually want to try? I would choose you in a heartbeat, so I need to know this is really something you want. I need to know if you want to be with me.”
Lance had been suppressing his grin for so long, when it finally broke through it shone like a beacon in the dark. “If I say ‘I do’ would it be too corny because we’re at a wedding?”
“One hundred percent.” But the smile was contagious.
Keith clambered to his feet and held out a hand to Lance.
Lance didn’t let go after he was pulled upright, and Keith didn’t back away this time as he took a step in closer.
“This does mean we’re going back up there to dance.” Lance laughed as Keith made a face at him. “Hey, man, don’t give me that! Just think of it this way. I’m giving you full permission to cradle me in your arms!”
His laughter continued as Keith rolled his eyes, shoving him away and beginning to stalk back up the hill toward the wedding. After a moment, Lance hurried to catch up, slipping his hand around Keith’s, twining their fingers together. “Baby steps, maybe,” he said, still grinning. “Although you were the one who wanted to pin me against a wall and make out.”
“Yeah. You know, everyone always called me impulsive, but I actually had a lot more self-control than people think because there were a couple times I was a second away from doing that and I didn’t. So…I don’t know, you’re welcome.”
Lance stopped dead in his tracks, pulling Keith to an abrupt halt. “You’re welcome?” he repeated incredulously. “Um, excuse me but no. You can’t just say something like that and not follow through. Keith – think of what you’ve been missing!”
“If you keep talking like that it’s never gonna happen.”
“Oh yeah –“ Sarcasm dripped from Lance’s voice. “Like you could resist the urge to get all up on this when I’m standing –” The words caught in his throat as Keith took one deliberate step into his personal space. Lance was suddenly lost in dark eyes that held his with a challenge. “– right in front of you,” he finished in a thin voice that absolutely gave away how much he was affected by the proximity. Clearing his throat, he shook his head, offering Keith a small smirk. “What the fuck, man? Have you always been this, like…pretty?”
Keith scoffed, although it sounded closer to humor than annoyance. “So I guess my mullet isn’t so bad after all?”
It would have been the perfect time for a witty comeback – something about finally admitting what the hairstyle actually was. It would have been, except it wasn’t. Because Keith was standing right there – his face open and honest – and there was really only one thing Lance wanted to do in that moment.
He reached up, smiling softly, and gently tucked a strand of hair behind Keith’s ear. “No,” he murmured. “Really not so bad at all.”
And then he was leaning forward – and Keith’s hand was on his arm – and his hand was sliding into Keith’s hair.
It wasn’t frantic or intense like before. It wasn’t a desperate fit of passion – pinning you up against the side of this building and kissing you until –
It was a gentle press of lips; a tilt of the head; breaking apart and a soft exhale before coming back together.
It was terrifying and exhilarating…and strangely comforting. It sent that same feeling of safety flooding through Lance’s body, spreading out from his chest, down to his stomach, and out through his fingertips as he ran a thumb gently along Keith’s jawbone.
A soft sound escaped Lance’s mouth as Keith’s hand found the small of his back, pulling him closer. He angled his head further, and as he felt Keith melt into his touch – lips parting, allowing Lance’s tongue to slide into his mouth – he knew this was the start of something new.
Something that had the potential to be so much more.
Keith was the first one to pull back, and Lance reluctantly let him – only to have his eyes snap open as Keith let out a startled “Whoa!”
“What?” Insecurities washed in like a tidal wave. “Did I –“
Keith silenced him with a poke to his cheekbone. “Your Altean marks are glowing.”
“Wait, really?” Lance touched his cheek, frowning.
“Do you know what it means?” And then a second later. “Oh, wait. It’s fading, now.”
“I don’t know what it means,” Lance said. “I didn’t know they could do that. I’ve only seen marks glow before when Lotor and Allura went to Oriande. Lotor called it the mark of the Chosen and then he sang a weird song or something.” Lance shrugged, smirking at the memory. His hand slid down Keith’s arm until their fingers intertwined. “But you’re missing the most important things, here,” he said as they began to walk again.
“You mean more important than you possibly having Altean magic?”
Lance waved this off. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know none of that stuff has ever made sense to me.” He squeezed Keith’s hand, casting him a sidelong glance. “You know you’re going to have to tell me about all the times you thought I was irresistible, right? All those times you wanted to just grab me and pin me to a wall, and –” When Keith began to pull away from their connection, Lance yanked him back, releasing his hand to loop an arm around Keith’s shoulders. “Not today, man. Calm down!” His heart swelled as he felt a tentative arm slip around his waist. “After all, we’ve got all the time in the world.”
Hunk approached Lance as he was leaning on the bar later that evening. Neither of them spoke for a while as they watched the sea of dancing bodies before them. They could just make out flashes of black hair and white hair in the middle of everything.
After Shiro had seen Lance and Keith dancing, he had barged over and practically demanded the next one. Keith had refused at first, which had been followed up with a lot of If Lance gets a dance, I get a dance, and Remember how I gave you a second chance after you stole my car? and You’re my brother and my best man, and it’s my wedding! Don’t I deserve to be happy, Keith?
Lance had been laughing so hard his stomach hurt as Keith finally relented and Shiro had dragged him away.
“So…”
Lance turned to look at Hunk who was eyeing him.
“What’s going on, buddy?”
Lance raised an eyebrow, feigning innocence. “Taking a break, dude. What’s going on with you?”
“Taking a break…from dancing with Keith?” When Lance only shrugged, Hunk turned to face him with an aggravated huff. “Oh, come on, Lance. Seriously, dude…is this, like, a thing?” He flung an arm out toward the dance floor. “How in the hell did you get Keith to dance?”
“I asked him.”
“But it’s Keith! I thought I would die before ever seeing something like that happen!” He glanced out at the crowd. “But he’s, like…laughing and smiling and dancing, man! Dancing!”
“Is it really so hard to believe?”
Hunk started to say something to the affirmative, but then stopped, tilting his head as he considered something. “Well, I guess if any of us had asked. Even Shiro. If you hadn’t already been dancing with him, it might have been different. But Keith’s always been…” He paused, trying to find the correct way to say what was on his mind. “I don’t know, man. With you, he’s always been more open, I guess? So maybe it’s not all that hard to believe.” He shrugged, offering Lance a smile. “It still is weird seeing it, though. I mean, even after everything we’ve been through together, dude’s still got some serious boundary issues. Like he’s got some substantial walls up, you know?”
A small smile crept across Lance’s face as he looked back at the mop of black hair in the middle of the crowd. He took a breath – and it was like breathing in the first air of spring after a long winter.
It was like waking up in your own bed after months of being away.
It was like a secret shared between two people – a bond that held them together; unyielding, unbreakable. You and me against the world.
It was warm and comforting and safe.
“I dunno, dude,” he said to Hunk. “Everybody’s got walls up. But I think sometimes all you have to do is knock.”
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