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Niccolò freezes. Right on the spot. He can’t make out the words, but what he sees is enough to make him stand still.
Marti, the red-haired boy he loves so much, the one he is lucky to be with and share his life with, is being cornered.
Go to him.
Sofi is clutching his arm; Giò is already beside Marti, Elia is about to jump in, too. Marti is not alone. But he should be there, too.
Go to him.
He can’t, because Sofi is clinging to him. She is worried for Giovanni, of course she is. She is whispering hushed no’s under her breath. She is gasping, she is upset.
Niccolò can’t move.
Go to him. Now.
-I can’t.
Go to him NOW.
-I can’t move. Why can’t I move?
He senses Sofi’s grip getting tighter on his arm. He puts his hand on her back, slowly and carefully. Maybe if he is able to steady her, he’s not going to stumble.
He can’t breathe for a second. Maybe it’s a minute. Hell, he doesn’t know. Everything stands still. And so does he.
I’m a failure.
He clutches his plastic cup.
Careful, you’re gonna break it.
-Too late.
He watches Marti back. His shoulders are tense; he can practically feel the agitation in his whole body. It’s not right.
Marti.
Nico is still frozen on the spot. Even when Edoardo and his squad step in and break the parties off.
Whatever happened, it's over already, but it feels like it lasted an eternity. And he didn't do anything to help. He still doesn't.
I'm a failure.
He watches how Giò lifts his arm and tries to unbend it. Is it dislocated? Marti is worried for his best friend. Of course he is, that’s Marti.
For a brief moment, Sofi is sobbing next to him. She bounces back quickly. He tries to pat her back nonetheless, but he feels like he fails at that as well.
Go to him.
He watches them standing there for a moment. There. In the nook on the dance floor.
Marti. Giò. Elia. Tense bodies, worried faces- he feels it all across the distance and his heart aches.
Go to him.
Elia is touching Marti’s face.
Oh God, what’s with his face? Did something happen to his face, too?
He lets go of Sofi’s back and sets one foot in front of the other. He hears her ask something, but he can’t make out the words.
“I have to go see Marti." He thinks he feels her following him.
A million emotions are running through his head as he gets closer to the boys. They are still standing next to each other, making sure everything is alright with the respective other. He can see it. He can almost feel it.
He has to see Marti. He has to see. Nothing happened to him, right?
I should have been there.
“Marti! Marti?”
Did his voice shake? Did he speak at all?
Marti turns around then. He looks shaken. Worried. At least his face is not marked.
Shit shit shit shit. I should have been there.
“Ni!”
Marti moves towards him, tries to reach him. Nico walks faster and when he gets to him, he hugs him as tight as possible.
Not tight enough. Not close enough.
He buries his head in the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply.
Don’t forget to exhale.
He doesn't intend to.
When his breathing evens out, he starts whispering apologies into Marti’s skin.
I should have been beside you. Forgive me.
“Ni… Ni…”
I’m sorry.
He feels Marti’s hand on the back of his head. His grip is firm, and then he starts to caress his hair. Nico shivers.
Marti tries to lift his chin up. He denies him and shuts his eyes close.
I should console you. Not the other way around.
“Ni, it’s okay, it’s alright.” Marti caresses his cheek with his thumb now. He’s so good. He's so good to him.
And I wasn’t there.
“Marti…” His voice breaks. He should say his name like a promise. That’s the only way how. Instead, he is beseeching.
I am so sorry.
“Hey, look at me, okay?” Marti is begging now, too. “It’s okay.”
“No… it’s not.”
“I’m alright.”
“I’m sorry”, he croaks.
“Hey.” Marti’s thumb is warm on his skin. “What for?”
“I… I should have been there.”
Marti presses his forehead to his. It feels good, it feels weird.
“I’m sorry”, he says again, as if these words could make it all undone, but they can’t.
But he tries.
He tries, he tries, he tries.
“I’m glad.” He feels Marti’s nose rub his own. He breaks at the caress. It’s too much. It’s not enough. “I’m glad you weren’t there.” Marti’s nose nudges his cheek. “You didn’t get hurt.”
You did.
“I wasn’t with you… and I’m sorry.”
“Ni, it’s okay.”
“It’s not.” He shakes his head, but Marti won’t have anything of that. He takes his face in his hands. Sweet Marti.
“You stayed with Sofi. And I’m glad.”
“I did. I didn’t.”
He feels Marti’s lips on his. A brush.
I don’t deserve it.
“Ni.” It’s a question. He knows Marti inside out.
“I…”
Say it. Be done with it. Don’t hide.
“I couldn’t move. I didn’t stay with her. Not really.”
Marti exhales. It’s not an allegation. It’s not an accusation. He knows Marti inside out.
Marti nuzzles his nose against his and he feels his breath on his skin. He feels the shadow of his lips against his. “I’m sorry.”
“No, Marti, I am sorry.”
“I can’t be worried for you, that’s it? I see.”
This breaks the spell. Just like that. He puffs out a laugh.
“I should have been there with you.”
He opens his eyes now and blinks a couple of times, until darkness turns into red light.
“You were.”
“That’s not true.”
Marti tries to lift his chin up. He lets him eventually.
“I understand.”
I don’t.
-Yes you do.
“Marti…”
He smiles at him. Sweet Marti. His, if he dares.
“Are you alright?”
God, I don’t deserve you.
It’s him now, who presses his forehead to Marti’s, almost head bumping him.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
“Are you?”
“No.”
“If… some-something had happened–“
“But nothing happened.”
“Marti, if–“
“Hey.” His thumbs are digging into his skin. “Let’s make sure Giò's alright, and then we can talk more, okay?”
He feels a gnawing ache in his chest. Giò was there when he couldn’t. He wishes he were as brave as him.
“And Elia.”
“Of course”, he manages.
He’s so thankful for them, he really is.
He grabs Marti’s hands who are still resting on his cheek. He dares to brush his lips over his fingertips and then he nods.
“None of this is your fault. And I’m glad you weren’t involved, okay?” Marti lowers their hands and squeezes his tight. Once. Twice.
“I…”
“Ni, it’s okay. Let’s.”
He nods again and looks into Marti’s eyes. They tell him he’s hurt. He knows that already, but looking into Martino’s eyes makes him want to cry. He suppresses the urge. The tears can wait. He can cry when they are alone.
When Marti is safe.
You have to be strong for him. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don't cry.
There’s something else in Marti’s eyes. He can’t quite figure it out. Marti is hurt, yes. Worry is written all over his expressions, yes. And yet he’s somehow calm and collected. He’s utterly brave, he sees that now more than ever, and that is what takes some of his shame away. Marti tucks it away- and if it is for a fleeting moment.
Don’t forget to exhale.
He doesn’t intend to.
Marti turns around and he follows his lead. They talk to the boys. He learns what happened. He wants to break down. He wants to run away and hide. He clutches at Marti’s hand in the dark who squeezes back. He always does. Marti steadies him when he can’t steady himself. Marti steadies him when he can’t steady Marti the way he is supposed to.
It’s not your fault, a voice speaks to him. He shakes his head no.
Marti’s grip around his hand is firm. It doesn’t falter.
How do I deserve you?
It’s not about what one deserves, he tries to remind himself.
Who said this?
He doesn’t remember.
They talk about their next steps. Nico feels like going home. He wants to wrap a blanket around Marti and himself and stay under the sheets. He wants to hold Marti. For as long as he can. For as long as he wants.
The boys talk about staying. After all, the culprits are gone.
Maybe they weren’t the only ones here.
He’s scared for Marti. For himself, too. He does not ever want to freeze again, not under these dark red neon lights, nor any other lights. Never again. He probably will though. And he already hates himself for it.
Marti’s hand feels soft and warm in his. Just like Marti as a whole. His touch brings him comfort, and the longer they stay like this, the more it gives him strength to let go. He feels his tension ease bit by bit.
Giò and Sofi leave them. Luca joins them. Together they check on Eva. Tomorrow she will realize how scary this whole situation was for her, too. He shivers at the thought.
Marti’s hand is still in his. Soft and warm.
He’ll be brave for him and he will be there for him when he can.
He squeezes Marti’s hand in the red dark light and hopes he can feel his promise.
Don’t forget to exhale.
He doesn't.