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They say when you die that it’s the end of suffering, that pain and sadness ceases to exist, that you are immediately enveloped with this unimaginable amount of peace.
Well Hyung, it’s been nothing like that.
It seems the closer I am to eternity, the pain that I feel emanating from you is becoming more and more unbearable. That’s right Hyung, even death couldn’t break our connection. I can still hear you crying out to me, begging me to stay, asking why. Even from where I am, I still don’t know the answer but the desperation I hear in your voice scares me.
I thought I had it all figured out. This was not how I envisioned things. It was not supposed to take so long. What is taking him so long?
I have to do something.
My instructions were clear. There is to be no direct interference. Suggestion is allowed. I’m not sure if that is enough, but for you, I will do my best.
“Appa?”
Shhh. Can you keep a secret for your Tae-Appa?
She’s perfect Hyung! It is alarming how much she has changed in one year. I can still picture her first steps as I watch you chase her down the hall after her bath. I can still picture her yuck face the first time you fed her carrots but now she’s eating them happily and don’t get me started on how tall she’s gotten.
As you place another notch in her door frame and I watch you both celebrate with so much excitement and happiness, it’s hard to believe that tonight you will lie in bed and cry yourself to sleep, your tears soaking my pillow. My heart continuously breaks for you.
Tae-ah, go sleep with Hobi-appa.
~
How do you do it Hyung? How do you wake every morning with a smile on your face as if our bedroom isn't flooded with your tears?
“Appa will pick you up after school. Be good for uncle Jin.”
I find it amazing at how well you are able to hide from the world. Your fears, your loneliness, all for the sake of our daughter. How long will it last, hyung? How long before the dam you’ve build around the sea of emotions within yourself collapses? What will happen when that dam breaks? Will it consume you and everything you love?
“I need these on my desk by the end of the day, Hoseok-ssi.”
“Y-yes, sir.”
What then? What will become of you then?
Hakyeon, help Hobi-hyung.
~
The days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months and the months into years. Your existence has become mundane. You work, take care of Taehee and the smiles and laughter are becoming too few and far inbetween. People are beginning to worry and they should.
I watched you hyung as you stood in the bathroom, staring at your reflection. I watched as you removed the pills from the medicine cabinet and unscrewed the cap. My heart pleads with yours to not give up, to wait just a little while longer but it seems the more time that passes, our connection is becoming weaker. I will have to leave soon and I am so very scared.
Taehee, Hobi-appa needs you.
“Appa? Are you sick? Come out and I will rub your tummy.”
Hyung, I know it’s tough but please wait a little longer.
~
“Joon asked me to Marry him!!!”
“Really? Oh my goodness! That’s great! I am so happy for you!”
If only that were true hyung. I know you love Seokjin-hyung just as much as I do and I’ve watched the friendship between you grow to that of close brothers but you aren’t happy for him. With the connection that we have left, I can still feel the jealousy in your heart, the fear of being left alone. You won’t be alone too long. I promise.
“You look great in that tux, Hobi!”
“Thanks! It’s been so long since I’ve worn one.”
Our song is playing through the overhead speakers of this small tailor’s shop and the look of nostalgia on your face puts my heart at ease.
Do you remember our wedding day? You’re thinking about it right now, right?
I remember how beautiful you looked as you walked down the aisle. The tears in your eyes as we exchanged vows. The smile on your face as we were announced husbands. It was one of the most beautiful and joyous days of my life. Meeting you and having Taehee tying for the top spot.
You were so happy then. Before that day came, I was so afraid that you would never love me as much as I love you. I was afraid that I would never be good enough for you but the look on your face that day erased all doubts. I was filled with so much hope for our future and was so ready to spend my life with you, give you all the children you wanted. In those few hours, my faith in love was restored so there is hope, hyung. There is hope and it’s coming soon and unexpectedly just like the first winter’s snow.
“Appa! Balloon, please!”
“Okay. Okay. Let’s go ask.”
Finally! This is your chance.
“What do you say to the nice lady, Taehee?”
“Thank you Unnie.”
“Let’s go. Jinnie-hyung is probably looking for us.”
But--wait!
Oh no! It has to happen now. No other time will work!
I’m not supposed to interfere but--maybe this won't count?
“Appa! My balloon!”
Turn around! Please turn around, Yoongi-hyung!
“H-Hyung?”
“Hobi?”
~
Now that things have finally fallen into place, my heart is slowly becoming at ease. I can feel my spirit calming and growing tired of this place. I have to leave very soon hyung but I now know that you are going to be okay.
Taehee?
“Yes, Tae-appa?”
Appa has to leave soon.
“Why? Can Hobi-appa and I come too?”
I’m sorry baby, but not this time but one day, okay? Please don’t cry!
Can you do your appa one favor?
With a whisper in her ear, I leave my precious Taehee in a fit of giggles that is so very reminiscent of yours. They soon turn into cries but I leave her knowing that the laughter will soon return. For the both of you.
~
This is goodbye hyung.
As you sit in this car contemplating your next move, tears running down your face, I wish I could comfort you and tell you that it’ll be better from here on out but it won’t be that simple. It’s going to take some time but I know with Yoongi there to support and love you and Taehee along the way, it’ll be so much easier. This is where my comfort and peace lies. You and I are connected but the connection between you and Yoongi-hyung is undeniable. I know it because I can feel him too.
I’m not sure why. Maybe it's because he saved my life or maybe it's because of our mutual love for you, but Hyung, it the purest thing I’ve ever felt. He’s ready this time and it’s time for you to face your fears. You’ve come this far. Held on this long. Endured this much. All you have to do now is...
Get out of the car hyung.