Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I've never been more scared.
I'm sitting with Nadia, and Ivy. Jason's parents are pacing back and forth outside a hospital room a hallway over. All three of us are sitting in itchy red chairs.
Nadia's eyes are red, and brimming with tears still. She's got tear stains across her stage makeup. Her hands are gripped together like she's praying.
Ivy hasn't cried, hasn't said a word.
Every time I glance at her I feel the lump in my stomach. She's pregnant with Jason's baby.
I don't know what to say to her. I don't really want to talk to her. I think I will have too.
I wonder if she's told her parents. I wonder if Jason's family knows.
If he dies, he'll never have told them. They won't know he was gay. They won't understand why I'd die everyday without him. He'd leave behind a baby.
Ivy tugs on her lips. She's sitting next to Nadia. Nadia won't look at her either.
If he dies, Ivy would keep the baby. I just know it somehow. She'd be left with a baby who'd look just like him. And I know I'd never be able to live without that baby in my life, if he dies.
if he lives... I wonder if Ivy has a choice in keeping the baby. Would she tell her parents? Would she quietly get an abortion like so many other girls at St. Cecilia's- as I've heard. Would Jason care? Would he want a life with her and their baby?
Their baby.
Not you, Jason and Ivy's. Theirs. You're out of the picture.
But it doesn't feel like it. We'd practically gotten back together before getting back on stage. He wanted to run away together. We talked. He's still my soulmate.
I raced to my mom as Jason was raced away to the hospital.
She drove me, Nadia and Ivy here. Then she went home to get me a change of clothes.
I'm still in my costume.
Nadia taps her foot. I can hear footsteps coming closer.
Part of me thinks it will be a nurse coming to tell Nadia her brother didn't make it.
But then, It's her father.
His eyes are pained. He looks like he's aged ten years and the lines around his face are slick from tears.
"He's okay." He breathes. Nadia lets go a deep breath.
"Thank you god," She closes her eyes, and then meets her fathers. "Is he okay enough for me to see?"
Her dad just nods carefully, and she jumps up. Then she turns to Ivy and I.
"Is he awake?" She asks her dad.
"Not really." He says cryptically. The fuck does that mean.
"I'll let you know if he wants to see... you guys." Nadia says quietly. I don't think he will, just yet.
Ivy nods.
I hold my breath.
Nadia leaves my field of vision, and around a corner I hear a door close carefully.
Ivy sits uncomfortably.
"Do you love him?" She asks. But she doesn't look at me.
"Yes."
She breaths a heavy breath.
"'I do too."
Then we sit in a long and heavy silence. I'm pretty sure I'm meant to say something; meant to comfort her. She's the one who's pregnant. The one who's father of her child just tried to kill himself.
He tried to kill himself.
It hurts so much.
We we're gonna be together forever. He wanted to be together forever. Then he did this.
Part of me hates him, still.
another part of me loves him, so, so much.
All I want is to hold him, and tell him its really all gonna be okay. Despite what father said. Despite what god might think.
I think god loves him. To keep him alive. If god really did hate him, he'd let him die.
Hell would be a greater suffering than the life he was left to live; outed and perhaps going to be a father.
I want to ask Ivy if she's going to keep it.
It feels very selfish, but I pray she won't. I don't think I could live in a world where Jason's eyes are staring up at me from a baby that isn't ours. A baby thats his and Ivy's.
"Does he love you?"
I hold my breath.
"Yes." I say. And I mean it. Despite everything. I know Jason loves me, and I love him.
She puts her head in her hands. "I don't know what to do, Peter."
"What do you mean?" I feel stupid asking.
"I don't want his baby." She says, ever so quietly. "But I think I'm going to be having his baby." A sob breaks through her. "and he's gay, Peter. and he loves you."
I don't know what to say.
"And he's tried to kill himself and it's my fault I'd just told him I was pregnant and he was so upset and then Matt did- Matt didn't, didn't think it'd hurt him like it did and he was angry but it's my fault, Peter, It's mine-"
"Its all of ours." I breathe. "We've all fucked up. Even Jason."
She almost chuckles. "He has."
"Do you know how..."
"No. It can't be over four months."
"Good."
She furrows her brows.
"Not... not good. But good to know."
"My parents don't know, either. Only you and Matt, and Nadia and him."
"Shit." I roll my head into my hands. "His parents are gonna kill him."
She only glances at me. "are they..."
"He always used to tell me how he was afraid his dad would beat the shit out of him if he told them." I feel like I've left my body, and the words are my lines. I'm playing a part. Today's is grieving boyfriend. "I don't know how pleased he'll be once Jason is well enough to have to talk about it." Jason is the ultimate Romeo. A beautiful, wealthy, in love and fucked. He gets to take his bows, though. "I'd be surprised if he lives at home for even a day after he turns eighteen."
She stares at her hands. She looks like she's about to cry. "I didn't know that."
"No." I sigh. Then I hear more footsteps.
They don't sound like Nadia's big combat boots. They sound like flats, and a light step.
His mom comes rushing past us. She's crying. Ivy follows her carefully as she holds herself at the end of the hallway.
I wonder what happened, to make her leave Jason.
I wonder if she won't look at me because she sees me with new eyes. Knowing eyes.
I wonder if she won't look at Ivy because those same knowing eyes can see the fetus growing in her that's part Ivy, part her son.
A bomb goes off in his mom's heart, and she breaks down with disgusting and terrible sobs. She leans into the corner. She's mumbling terribly pained things.
"Mrs. McConnell," Ivy says quietly. She pushes herself up just a little bit.
She doesn't acknowledge her.
"Mrs. McConnell," She says louder. I want to tell her to shut up.
"What?" His mom's voice aches, and her eyes rip through my heart. "I-"
"I'm sorry," Ivy breathes. She gets up.
She stands near his mom, and then hugs her.
They hold each other tightly, as his mom's sobs echo through the hallowed halls.

--------

I don't see Jason the next week. Graduation is pushed back a month. But we're allowed to go home if we want in the time in between. I think Father Flynn expects him to still give his valedictorian speech, forever bolder from his experience, never mentioning why he tried to kill himself, though. My mom takes me home.
I spend almost every moment curled in my bed. A picture of him stares across at me. I can't bare to see those eyes.
I don't like how some people say he tried to take his life. He didn't. He'd live on in all of us if he died. He tried to kill himself. Murder. Murder my heart and his families and Ivy's and Nadia's.
Father Flynn asks if I want to speak to him. I do not. I can't even bare to look at him.
I ask god if it's wrong not to forgive him. I'm not sure if he answers.
It's been a total of nine days since I've seen him, when my mom rushes up holding our phone.
"It's Nadia." She smiles. I'm not sure what she knows about me anymore.
I take it in my hand, and I hear Nadia breathe on the other end.
"Hey,"
"Hey." Her voice is aching. I can't bare to hear it. "He asked me to call you."
I hold my breath. "yeah,"
"He wants to see you."
My world brightens.
"He asked you not to tell Ivy, though." She chuckles a little. I thank god. He chose me, first.
"When?" My heart aches, and I see my mom at the doorway.
"Any time?" She whispers. "But our parents are talking to Father about him today. All day."
I almost smile.
"I'll be there." I almost hang up and rush there straight away, but Nadia's breath hitches.
"He's a little fucked up right now. Just a warning."
My heart skips a beat, but I can't miss him. I miss him so much.
"Don't bring anything they think he could hurt himself with."
"i- I won't."
I hang up, and catch my moms eyes. They're soft and caring. I can't bare to meet them fully. "I need to get to the hospital."
"Lets go, then, kiddo."
Our drive is short and awkward. She doesn't say a word to me, until we're a block away.
"Peter, I... don't understand. But I want you to know I love you. and Jason."
My throat feels stuck. As much as I wanted to tell her before, I have no drive to tell her anymore. She can find out in any way she wants.
"okay." I sigh. She parks the car, and I get out. Her eyes long for mine.
I walk up a few flights of stairs, up to a wing I don't recognize and ask the nurse at the desk for Jason McConnell. She asks me to empty my pockets. I do as they say.
She leads me to his room, and I stand at his door. I can see the back of Nadia's head.
I knock carefully. I can only see the end of his bed. I'm not sure how it'll feel to see him, but I know when my eyes meet his I'll tear up.
Nadia's eyes catch mine through the little window, and she smiles a little. "Hi."
I whip my eyes around to him, and my heart bursts.
His face is sunken in, his eyes not bright and brilliant but pained and aching. He's sitting up in his bed, biting his lips. He's already crying.
There's something about him that's so different, so changed. But he still looks like Jason. His eyes still lead to my Jason.
"Hey," I whisper, it feels like I'm falling toward him. He looks at his bed. I sit on it carefully. Our eyes meet. "I love you."
His melt, and he reaches to my hand.
I push mine forward, and then we touch for the first time in ages.
His eyes swell with tears. I imagine it’s been a lot. And we have a lot to talk about. But I just lean forward and hold him, while he cries into my shoulder, and pray it will be okay.

—-

“What did your dad say?” I get lunch with Nadia. Jason doesn’t want to say anything about what happened. we hold hands and kiss and cuddle in his hospital bed and watch law and order. Neither of us are really watching it though.
I feel bad we’re leaving him alone, but he’s not allowed out yet. It scares me they think he’s gonna try again. That his parents think he is.
“He... didn’t say much.” She sighs. “Mostly ‘ohs’ and ‘jesus christ’.”
We both laugh a little.
“Do they know... we’re...” together? Are we even?
“Yeah.” She avoids my eyes. “I told them everything that first night.”
I want- need to ask about Ivy. I can’t find the words, though.
“They’ve talked to Ivy’s parents. I’m not sure what they’re gonna do.”
I breathe.
“I get the feeling its not their priority.” Nadia hasn’t been the same lately. She voice sounds like it hurts.
Maybe its a twin thing. Jason told me once he thought he and Nadia were physically linked because whenever she had her period he’s get cranky too.
I always thought it was a little weird he knew when his sisters period was. But they’ve always been close.
“What... what do they want them to do about it? it? It’s a baby.
She closes her eyes. “If i’m being honest. I think my dad would like Ivy to be out of the picture. But it’s a little... I don’t think anyone’s gonna tell her to get an abortion.” She leans on her hand. “But if she suggested it I think they’d let it slide.”
I swallow hard.
“Jesus.”
“I know.”
“Has he...?”
“Said anything about it? No.”
My heart sinks.
We’re silent for a while. It doesn’t ache like it did with Ivy. It’s more comfortable.
“How long have you two been together?” She asks, simply. It’s a loaded question.
I’ve liked Jason since we were twelve. We started kissing each other in eighth grade. Under the gise that we were practicing for when we get girlfriends. In tenth grade we started “dating.” It’s been on and off and weird and beautiful ever since.
“Few years.” I choke. “Officially since tenth grade.”
She stares at me. “Really?”
“We’d been liking each other since eighth though.”
“... I can’t believe I missed that.” She runs her fingers up and down the grated table. “We we’re so... close. Ya’know. I thought I knew everything there was to know about him.” She closes her eyes. "My mom said- after- after I told her everything- that it felt like none of us even knew him anymore."
I take a deep breath in. "I don't think he knows who he is either,"
Nadia stares at me.
"... he's been caught up in hiding and pretending and acting for his whole, life, Nadia. He's never been able to be himself." Except when it was just us. In our room.
I don't want to say it, but I think I know Jason.
"I know he's a good person, Peter. He's just fucked up."
"I know,"

-----

As I'm about to leave, visiting hours will soon be over, and Nadia is going to walk me downstairs, Jason grabs my hand.
He caught Nadia's eyes, and maybe it was her twin-intuition, she left the two of us alone in the room.
He pulls me, carefully, and I sit on his bed again.
I wait for him to say anything.
"I'm sorry, Peter." His voice is so small. My heart breaks. "I'm so sorry,"
He's cried a lot today, but now it toes the line of sobbing. I wrap my arms around him and hold him.
"It's okay, It's okay. I love you."
"I love you too." He never says it back. It's been so long since I've heard him say it. "I'm so sorry Peter, I don't know what- what to do and- and my dad is gonna- and I'm so fucked, Peter, everything is so, everything's my fault and-"
"Jason," I kiss him. His lips are chapped and his tears pool against our pressed cheeks. "It's going to be okay."
He breaths in shakily, unconvinced.
"Our.... we just got complicated. " I'm not sure where I'm going, and my lips brush his as I speak. "I know how much you love. And how much you care." I pull back just a little. "and- and if anything, this, this has brought me closer with god."
When I say that, Jason's eyes shift. "Has it?"
"Because our love is pure. and God has answered all my questions with you. and you're still here, and- and-" My voice breaks. "you're still here. He loves you. I just know it."
I can see the tears falling onto the white sheets. We breathe together.
"And what about Ivy?" He asks, like he's scared. I don't know about Ivy. I want to be upset about it, but I'm not. I'm mostly scared for them.
"We'll... figure it out. I promise." I hold his hand. Sun beams in through the little window. It catches his big, beautiful blue eyes and they're lit up just as they were in the halls of St.Cecilia's. They're piercing, sad and loving.
"Will you stay? When we- promise me you'll stay-" His eyes are pleading.
"I promise." I'm not sure what I'm promising. That I'll stay with him if they don’t keep the baby? that I'll stay with him if he and Ivy decide not to keep the baby? That I'll stay with him forever?
I'm okay with all three, I think.
Jason pushes himself up, and puts his hands on my cheeks. We kiss. It feels like breathing back in my soul. Jason's my soul mate. I just know it.
Nadia peaks back in the door and tells Jason to "say goodbye to his boyfriend, mom and dad are back."
I give Jason one last kiss. He watches me longingly leave.
I take the stairs down by myself. My mom will be waiting outside for me.
And as I leave, on the second floor, I see Father Flynn.
He looks exhausted. Like he hasn't been sleeping.
I guess I haven't either.
But he's got quite a bit to lose, still; his golden boy, practically face of St. Cecilia's due to the sheer force of his perfection (and the fact his father's an alumni) has sinned beyond recognition.
Even when he's trying to escape it, Jason can't help but attempt the perfect suicide. Dramatic, scandalous. The day after it happened the news picked up the story and ran with it. "Romeo attempts suicide, during performance of Romeo and Juliet at St. Cecilia!" "Valedictorian, star, and dashing Romeo, takes performance too far? Romeo attempts suicide on stage!" I hope his parents haven't been watching the news.
Little do they know, it gets worse. I can hear the handsome anchor saying it already; 'St. Cecilia boy- valedictorian, star of Romeo and Juliet, and soon to be father is gay! Find out more at five."
I can't imagine they'd do that.
Father almost passes me without a word, until I cough out: "Father?"
He whips his head around to me, and his eyes melt. "Peter," He gives me a hug. I can't begin to raise my arms. My stomach flops, and a large rock sits in my heart.
"Hi," I can't bare to look at him. Jason said he went to him before he did what he did. I've had nine days to think of all the things he could have told Jason that lead him so astray.
"How are you, I'm sure this has been very difficult to see... a friend go through such a terrible thing." He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I avoid his eyes.
"He went to you, for guidance?" I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. Father furrows his brows.
"Yes," He kneels down closer to me. "He was... very distressed. I wish I had seen what he was going to do."
"You hid from him." I can feel my heart burning beneath my skin. My mom can wait. "You knew how much he might need your empathy. He- he was lost, and- and scared and alone and-"
"Peter, I had no way of knowing what he was going-"
"He was asking for your help! You could have spared him some- some love and not pushed him away! You pushed him away!" I'm yelling, now.
Father takes a step away from me, and his eyes widen.
"Peter, I know you're upset, but I don't think-"
"Father, we are so in love." I don't care if he knows, anymore. Everyone will learn about Jason with time, especially if Nadia goes back to school, everyone will learn about me too. I'm pretty sure they can't kick me out, having technically already graduated. They can bar me from my graduation ceremony, I don't care.
"Peter, I'm glad you're trying to be a caring friend-"
"He's my boyfriend! and- and what I find odd is that that is the one thing that has brought me closer to God! Not sermons or text but being in love with him!"
He steps away from me, and I feel the tears racing down my cheeks.
"Peter you are obviously upset." He grits his teeth. "I think your mother is outside."
"She is." I turn quickly, my heart still pounding against my ribs.
"You must be going through a lot. I'm sorry, Peter."
I stare at him.
"And I forgive you, father."

Chapter Text

“Nadia,” Jason’s voice reeks with desperation. Our parents have gone- off talking with doctors or something. I haven’t been able to listen. “I’m sorry I never told you.” He whispers.
I take in a breath, unsure if I should pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about.
“Its okay,” I say. I wanna say more. “I’m... okay with it, you know.”
He just nods. “How much do you know?”
I don’t know what he wants me to say. That he’s gay? That he’s dating- or was dating? Who knows? Peter.
“You’re... gay, right?”
He won’t meet my eyes.
“Uh-huh,” his voice sounds like a strangled cry.
“Well...” I trail off. I need to make this better for him. “It’s better than being dead. I’d rather have a gay brother.”
He chuckles. “It isn’t.”
I don’t really like what’s he’s implying.
“Are you dating Peter?”
“We... were.” His voice is small. “I don’t think he’s gonna forgive me, though.”
“I think he already has.” I try to smile, for his sake. Peter’s waited with baited breath the last few days. I’ve meant to call. He must be torn up. “He waited to make sure you were okay. He’s asked me to call and asked if he can see you.”
“He has?” A small smile peaks through.
“Yeah. I haven’t found a... good time. With mom here.”
“No, no, you’re right.” He nods, hiding his mouth behind his knees. “You really think he wants to see me?”
“Jason, he thought you killed yourself.” I feel the words fall from a deaf mouth. I can’t feel their weight yet. “I think he’s dying to see you.”
He breathes a quiet breath, and finally looks up at me.
“Could you call him for me?”
“Of course.”
We're quiet for a moment, I'll call Peter when I get home.
“What... how far we’re...?” I’m not sure what I’m asking.
“Part of me thought I’d spend the rest of my life with him.” He breathes, like it was something so pent up in him he just needs it out. "I- I... I don't even know I thought we'd..."
I'm not sure what to say. It's so... weird to me. I never even knew. I thought... I knew Jason.
"Do you... love... him?" The words are hard to choke out.
Jason nods, and puts his head into his hands. “I’ve fucked up, Nadia. I’m fucked.” He cries.
I walk over to him, and give him a hug. It feels like he doesn’t really want it, but… I do.
I just want to hold my brother, and make him okay.
It hits me like a truck; he tried to kill himself. I… I saw him hours before he tried and I couldn’t even tell. I didn’t even know. How could I have not seen it? I used to know everything there was to know about Jason. I told him to call me. Call me. I can't believe I didn’t… do more.
He is really fucked. I don’t know what we're gonna do.
I pull away from the hug, and feel sick to my stomach.
"Do you still believe in God?" Jason asks, quietly.
He asks it like it were Santa or something? As if we haven't gone to catholic school our entire lives.
"I-" I've never really known. I don't think I've known for myself, ever. "I don't know. Do you?"
"I don't think I do." He says simply. His eyes seem so far away though. "I don’t think I can anymore.”

Chapter Text

I don't understand why they're keeping Jason in the hospital for so long. Nadia thinks its because they're parents don't know what to do with him. I tell Nadia he can stay with me, if he has too. I've yet to tell my mom I offered that. Ivy's called me three times in the last few days, asking if I've seen Jason. I tell her no. She asks me to tell him she needs to talk to him soon, and his parents.
I'm worried about her.
I see him everyday, though. And spend a lot of my day with him.
I don't see his father, ever. I know he works, and he's allowed in after visiting hours, but I'd have thought he cared at least a little about Jason after all this.
and maybe he does, and I just don't see it. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's... difficult. And I knew he wasn't going to take Jason being gay well, but Jason also getting someone pregnant is just... too much.
Today I bring Jason lunch. At this point the nurse at the front desk just gives me a passing glance, and doesn't ask me to leave my phone and wallet with her. I made it, it's just a sandwich, but it's how he likes it. Not how his mom has made it for him.
I feel like I know him the best. When I see him it feels like the world becomes whole again. I feel like I bring his world back into orbit, when it’s been so knocked off course.
I make my way around the hallways, until I get to his door, and I see the back of Ivy’s head through the slit in the door.
I knock, and Nadia jumps up to get it.
“Hey Peter,” She smiles, but it’s not her usual mischievous one. I peer in the room. Jason is no longer in his hospital clothes, and in what looks like pjs. He’s sitting cross-legged on his sheets, and Ivy’s sitting across from him. They both look tense.
“I didn’t know the whole gang was going to be here,” I try to get Jason to smile. He doesn’t. I ache to see it. Ivy does laugh, and turns to face me.
She’s wearing a tanktop. It looks like she’s showing, just a little, but enough that if you knew how skinny she normally was, it’s obvious. I wonder if she wore it for Jason; to show him she really was pregnant, or something.
“How’re you, Peter?” She smiles, her eyes are red. I walk over to Jason’s side of the bed.
“I’m good, I just- uh, I brought you some lunch.” I smile at Jason, who’s beautiful eyes sweep up to mine. I push the box toward him, he takes it, and brushes my hand. He leaves it there for a long moment.
“Thank you, I’ll… eat it later.” He sets it down on the table beside him. Then he takes my hand again. And holds it. Against his thigh and the edge of his bed. I’m completely frozen in that moment. Ivy stares at our intertwined hands.
“Do you… want me to go? I can come back tomorrow if you need to talk.” I say, but I squeeze Jason’s hands, hoping he tells me to stay.
“No, it’s okay.” Jason smiles softly, as Nadia jumps up.
“Please. Stay.” She smirks. “I can’t handle being alone with these two.” She mouths, her eyes glaring at Ivy. I had thought we were all friends again, but… I guess not.
“Um. Okay.” I grin a little, and stand closer to Jason. He holds my hand tighter.
I wonder if he’s doing this to make a show in front of Ivy. I hope not. I hope he really, truly wants to hold my hand and show a teeny part of the world how much he loves me.
Their eyes are tense with eachother, like they can’t stand to be seeing eachother.
“Um… are you guys, talking….” I want them to say /anything/ to eachother.
“Yes.” Ivy grits her teeth. “We’re trying.”
Nadia pulls a chair over for me so I don’t have to stand awkwardly over Jason.
“Ivy, I just-“ Jason hangs his head. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to tell me what you want.” She glares. “I know what my parents want and what your parents want. What do you want?”
Jason holds his breath. I don’t know what he’s going to say.
He glances at me.
“I…” Jason’s voice hurts. “I don’t know. Ivy. I don’t know what to do.”
She rolls her eyes.
Nadia stabs her nails into the chair.
“What do your parents want?” I ask, carefully. Hopefully i can diffuse the situation.
“They want me to keep it.” She sighs. “And they want Jason to raise it.”
I hold my breath.
“And what do you want?” I ask her. She stares up at me.
“I…” Her face freezes. “You know, Peter.”
“Does Jason?”
“No. I don’t.” He grumbles.
She doesn’t look him in the eye. “I don’t want to have a baby.” Her voice is so small. “And I don't want to have a baby with you.”
Jason tears up.
“Okay.” He says. “Fuck. Then.”
Nadia rings her hands together. “Ivy… are your parents gonna let you get…?”
“No.” She almost yells. “Of course fucking not! Nadia! And- and they don’t want me to give it up they just want me to be fucking stuck with this for the rest of my life!”
Nadia glances at the floor.
“Okay.” I whisper. “Then… um. Ivy.”
She glances at me. Her eyes are pleading.
“Ivy you need to do what you need to do.” Jason says. His voice is cold. “I don’t want you in my life after graduation either.”
“Jase-“ Nadia grips her chair. Ivy’s eyes pool with tears.
“I cant! Do! That! Jason!” She shouts. His eyes stay focused on the wall behind her. “I’m fucking sorry you got me pregnant, but we’re both stuck with it!” She jumps up and stomps a little. “And- and if you’re gonna be a douche about it then I’ll just fucking leave and you can have a kid out there that you’ll never know and I won’t let you know!”
Jason’s eyes screw around. They start to tear up.
“Ivy I-“ His voice cracks. “I’m sorry.”
She’s fuming, but she softens her shoulders.
“You better fucking be.” She says. She doesn’t sit back down. “Now, what do you fucking want.”
“I…” Jason glances between his hands, my hand, and her. “I don’t want to have a baby, either. But I don’t want you to kill it.”
I swallow. Is he…?
“Jason right now you know it’s not like… a real baby? Yet? It’s-“ Nadia says.
“But it’s still a baby, isn’t it?” His voice is small. “And- and I think we’ve sinned enough.”
Ivy swallows hard. I wait for her to say something.
“What do you think, Peter.” She says, finally.
“Huh?”
“You’re a part of this too.” She purses her lips. “If you’re dating Jason and I’m pregnant with Jason’s baby then you’re part of the equation.”
I freeze. My heart shoots up in my chest.
“I, uh, Ivy I don’t think it’s my place to-“
“Just answer.”
I don’t know what to say, I really don’t. “What…. ever makes you and Jason happy, I’m okay with.”
Ivy’s eyes soften, and she takes her seat back on Jason’s bed again.
“Okay…” She runs her hands against the sheets.
Nadia shifts in her seat, and bites her lip. “Ivy… you know, it’s your decision that matters the most though, right. You’re the one whos pregnant.”
“I know.” She doesn’t look at Nadia. “But I don’t know what I want to do.” Nadia gets up and puts her arm around Ivy, and takes Jason’s eyes.
It almost seems like they’re talking, through their eyes.
“Ivy- I, uh, I-” He puts on his ‘Jason McConnell voice’ that he usually only uses in class. “I’ll do my best to support you whatever you decide.”
She takes his eyes, finally, and they look into eachothers.
“Thank you.”

-------

Just before I leave, Jason tells me I can’t visit him tomorrow. He says him, his doctors and his parents are having a conversation about what he’s gonna do next.
“I just….” He glances at Ivy. I’ve agreed to take her home. “I don’t think you’ll want to see me after,” He almost chuckles. But Nadia holds her breath, and Ivy glances between all three of us.
I take another step closer, and hook our fingers together. “Call me, then. If you end up… needing some company.”
I put my hand on his cheek, and kiss him. Ivy looks away, and Nadia glances down at her hands. Jason’s cheeks burn against mine. I pull away swiftly, and hold his gaze.
“Promise me you’ll call.” I need him to talk to me more. We need to talk. “Whenever you can.”
He holds his breath. “I promise.”
I flash him a quick smile, and glance back to Ivy. She produces a forceful smile.

I spend the next day worried sick.
I wish he hadn’t been so cryptic; what’d he mean ‘what he’s gonna do next?’ is he going to get kicked out? Or just released from the hospital? He not eighteen, yet, they can’t legally kick him out. Can they?
I wonder if they’re going to talk to his doctor about being gay. I hope not. Or, I hope they get a good doctor who won’t send them to some conversion camp.
Will Nadia know? Can I text her? They must have had they’re meeting by now its already-
It’s only 1 pm, Peter. Calm down.
I try to think about anything else. I watch a little TV. My mom is at work. I can’t focus on anything but Jason and Ivy.
I finally get a minute to think about what Matt had said that night. I’m mad at him. But I’m not that mad. I’m not mad enough to the point where it’s been two weeks and this is the first time I’ve ever thought about it.
I wish… I wish i hadn’t told him. But I’m glad I told someone. And now… at least everyone knows.
But the one thing that hurts a lot is “Ivy’s pregnant and your boyfriends the dad! So what does that make you?”
What does that make you?

What does it?

Maybe thats why Ivy asked my opinion, because she think it makes me something. But it… doesn’t. I didn’t sleep with Ivy. I didn’t get her pregnant, Jason did.
And as much as I’d like Jason and I to be a package deal, we’re not. But now that Ivy’s pregnant… and especially if they keep the baby, it’s going to forever link her and Jason.
Even if Jason and I could get married, we can’t have kids, like he has with Ivy. And that’s always what he’s wanted; A beautiful wife and two kids (a boy and a girl- hopefully twins) a nice house somewhere not too close to the city but not too far either, and a golden lab. He’s always wanted a dog, since his family dog died when he was in middle school.
I’d got him a puppy with a big red bow on it for valentines day last year. He was a little embarrassed, but he kept it near his bed all year, and brought it back with him. I had had to hide it for over a month from him, so I’m glad he liked it.
He wrote me a beautiful card. I still have it. For a while I was hiding it in my bible, but that felt kinda wrong, so now its on my desk.
I wonder if my mom’s read it? Its been there since this summer.
I wonder what she’s been thinking about, lately. She’s been weird and quiet. She must know. And I’ve made no effort to really hide it either.
I hope she knows. Because if she knows, then she doesn’t care that much.
She’s come into my room every night before she goes to bed to tell me she loves me. Maybe its just that she was really shaken by what Jason did, and doesn’t want me to feel like he did. But that still means something.
She cares.
While I’m watching the Bachelor, my computer gets a skype call from Nadia. I only watch the Bachelor when I’m bored or lonely, and its both right now. I didn’t know Nadia had my skype? I turn the TV all the way down, and answer.
“Hello?” I say, just before the video connects, and it’s not Nadia- it’s Jason. A smile spreads across my face.
He gives me a small, pained, smile. His eyes are red, and he looks tired. He’s also not in a hospital room. Maybe he’s home? But it doesn’t look like his home.
“I promised I’d call.” he says, quietly. His voice breaks a little.
We’re quiet for a moment. His eyes shift around whatever room he’s in. It almost looks like a bathroom or a closet.
“What happened?” I whisper. He shifts his computer around, and wipes his eyes.
“I’m getting kicked out,” He sounds so small. “Soon as I turn eighteen. And- and my dad says he doesn’t want anything to do with Ivy and I and they want me to pull out of Notre Dame and-” He takes in a shaking breath. “and i’m getting out of the hospital tomorrow.”
“Thats…” I have nothing to say. “I’m so sorry Jason.”
“I can’t go home though, Peter. I can’t.” He’s crying. His breath is short and heavy and his voice is pained. My heart aches for him. My eyes brim with tears too.
“You can stay with me, Jase,” I choke out. His eyes focus on his screen.
“Peter I- I couldn’t-”
“You can. I’ll just… talk to my mom about setting a room up in the basement or- you can, Jason.” I almost plead. I need him to be safe. I need him with me.
It’s always been so weird to be without him, I’m more used to living with him than without. I’d do anything to live with him.
“Are you… sure?” He says. I nod.
“Just tell me when, you’ve got a room.” we’ll have to tell my mom. She’ll have to get over it.
And just as I’d think maybe he’d light up, his face falls, and I hear a sob from the other end.
“Thank you so much, Peter, I’ll- I’ll tell my dad-”
“Let me.” He furrows his brows. “I’ll- I’ll get my mom to talk to your parents. Don’t worry about it, please.”
He swallows hard, and nods.
His end goes quiet, until he sniffles a little.
“I’m so sorry Peter. I’m sorry-”
“Jason you’re okay! It’s gonna be okay, its-”
“No, Peter, I…” He drops his head in his hands. “I’ve fucked up. I’ve ruined everything and, and I can’t believe you’re still with me after- after everything I’ve done because I know you deserve better and someone who can give you-”
“Jason. I. Love. You.” it feels like I’m shouting. I have to get it through to him. “I love you I love you I love you,” I say it over and over again. I hope it jams its way into his thick skull. “I- we’ve all fucked up? Okay? I shouldn’t have made you come out and-” You could have been a better boyfriend. “And you should have been able to get help from someone and…” I trail off. “We just can’t dwell on it anymore, okay. We’ve gotta move forward and forward for me means I love you and we’re gonna figure this out, okay?”
His lip quivers, and his eyes are teary. “I love you too, Peter.”
My heart bursts when he says it.
“We’re gonna be okay, Jason.”
He shakes his head, but then he smiles, and wipes his eyes. “I wish I was there with you.”
“Me too.” I stare longingly. “Are… who’s computer are you on?”
“Nadia’s.” He sighs. “She is beyond angry at my parents.” He laughs.
I chuckle. “Do tell,”
“She threatened to cut my dad.”
“Jesus christ! Is she trying to get herself kicked out too?”
“I know,” Jason rolls his eyes. “But I think they’re gonna try and fix her so they can have one good kid.”
My heart aches. “I think you’re a good kid.”
“Tell that to my dad,” He chuckles, then he sinks into his hand. “I guess… I should pack my stuff tomorrow?”
Shit. I run my hand through my hair. Tomorrow is very soon.
“Y-yeah, and I’ll talk to my mom.” I bite my lip.
“Thank you for everything.” his voice is small. I catch his eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Jase. I’ll… I’ll call in the morning.”
“Cool, I’m… released at 12.”
“Great.” and then we hold each other here. I don’t want to let him go.
“We’ll talk tomorrow.” He says carefully. I hover my cursor over the hang up button, despite not wanting too.
“Bye,” I feel my tears building up.
“Bye.” Jason is the one to hang up, and suddenly I’m alone again.
I know I need to call my mom and tell her everything I’ve just promised Jason, and I’m not sure how to pull that off.
But I just sit in silence for a minute, and feel my tears race down my face.
I don’t know what forward holds; I want it to mean loving Jason and taking care of eachother but Ivy and her baby and however Jason fits into that complicates it and if she has the baby that means Jason’s a dad and will he be even able to go to notre dame or what will happen to him? And us? If he becomes a dad that means, least I hope, that the baby becomes his whole world. Not us, and not me. But someone he has with Ivy.
I need to pull myself together and call my mom and figure this out. But I can't. I sit on my couch and sob.
I don’t even know why.
It’s just too fucking much, right now. All I want is for us to be normal again.

My mom gets home a little earlier than I wanted her too. She finds me still wrapped up in my thoughts and prayers. Im praying that Jason will be okay, and that he’ll still love me whatever happens between him and Ivy.
She holds herself at the doorway, and breathes quietly.
“Hey, honey.” Her voice is so quiet. I barely hear her. I do my best to scrounge up a bit of my dignity left.
“Mom, I need you to do something for me.” My voice is breathy and pained. She takes a step closer to me.
“Sure, Peter.”
“Jason needs to move in.” I state. Its not a question. He’s an answer. He’s my answer. She holds her breath.
“... Peter…”
“Mom he has nowhere else to go. We can clear up the basement and- and I promise he won’t be up in my room and his parents are kicking him out, Mom. He doesn’t have anywhere to go.” I plead. I can feel the tears building up in my eyes again. She sits down next to me.
She won’t look at me, and stares at her hands.
“And i need you to tell his parents that.”
“What?” She whips her head around to me. “Peter you’ve-“
“I’m- I’m Sorry mom but… I need you to do this for me. Please.”
Her eyes screw around, and then she sinks into the couch.
“I wish I understood, Peter.”
You do. You loved dad.
“You don’t have to. Just… he needs our help. Mom.” I stutter, and rub my hands together. “I love him.”
Her lip quivers too.
“I just want you to be happy, Peter.”
“He makes me happy.” I jump at maybe my only chance at convincing her. “He makes me feel like the world is whole and he’s my everything and- and I think God would never hate anything that is so pure.” My voice shakes. “If God is everything I know he is, he knows this is good.”
She won’t look at me, and grinds her teeth together. Her eyes are far from me.
“I’ll call his mom.”
My heart races.
“Thank you, thank you thank you thank you.” I jump up and hug her. She can’t really hug back.
“What do you want me to say?”
I… don’t know.
“Uh… that… we’ll take him in. Since they’re kicking him out.” I stammer. “They are. They said he can’t live with them once he’s eighteen.”
My mom wraps her arm around me.
“Thats… terrible.” She breathes.
“He’s getting released tomorrow, so he said he’d get this things and then… move in?”
“Okay.”
She stands up. I can’t tell whats going through her head.
“Just, promise me,” She runs a hand into her hair. “You won’t fool around with him while he’s living here.”
I can’t really make that promise, so I just nod. And then she goes to the phone, and dials a well worn number. I’ve called Jason’s home phone so many times, during the summer. His number is pasted up on the wall.
“Hello Kathleen,” she’s slow and careful. “I- um, we’re doing alright. Peter had some news to tell me.”
I bite my lip, I cannot breathe.
“No, he said you were kicking Jason out.” Her voice is sharp. “I- I understand your…” she glances at me. “Problem with this but, he’s still your son, Kathleen-“
I hear shouting from the other end.
“I’m offering to host him for you! But it seems you don’t care where he is staying so-“
My heart flutters when she says that. She cares about Jason. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kathleen. To help him pick up his things.”
She slams the phone down, and then she breathes slowly. “Please don’t get me arrested, Peter. If they don’t let us take him in, we’ve gotta listen until he’s eighteen.”
I hadn’t thought of it like that. His dad’s a fucking judge.
“Okay…” I nod. Ivy will be five months pregnant by them. “I’m… gonna clean the basement.”

——

When I see Jason for the first time outside of his hospital room, in the light of day, I see how different he looks. He’s skinnier, which, is scary. Before all this he was muscular and all smiles. Now, his eyes are sunken in, and his sweater hangs off his slumped shoulders. It’s only been two weeks… whats he been eating? And his eyes aren’t bright anymore. They’re almost grey. He’s standing on Nadia’s left, and on her right is his mom. They all look exhausted, and his mom won’t even look at him.
I’m not surprised I don’t even see his father.
Our car is stuffed with empty boxes and a suitcase for Jason. I have every intention to not let him out of my sight once his eyes meet mine.
I catch Nadia’s first, and she attempts to smile. I imagine it’s a terrible position to be in. She can’t get away but… Jason’s her brother. And she has to be without him for the first time in her life.
Then, Jason meets my eyes, and I can feel pounds of weight drop off me.
I race to him, my mom having barely parked the car before I jump out and hug him. I try not to make it too… showy. But all I want is to hold him.
I don’t kiss him, though. And I don’t hug him for too long. His mom stares at us.
Part of me knows he’s okay. I don’t think he’s going to do it again. But the fact that… this is where we are… stings. The fact he tried feels like a stinging gash in my heart, that keeps getting ripped open.
I know he’s okay now. But to have gotten to the place where he would have… everything hurts.
“Hey,” He whispers. His mom stands coldly a few feet away.
“Hey.” I smile. I want to pull him away right now. Just take him home with me. “Do you wanna…?”
“Mom,” Jason turns to her, and she barely meets his eyes. “I’m gonna drive with Peter.”
“Okay.” Her voice is pained. Nadia glances between them.
“I’m-” Nadia pipes up, but then Jason shoots her a hard glance. They stare into each other. “I’ll go with you mom.”
‘Thank you’ Jason mouths. He takes a step closer to me. My mom is standing outside the car, and Jason’s mom has yet to acknowledge her.
“I’ll see you later? Mom?” Jason’s voice cracks on ‘Mom.’
She doesn’t say anything. Just nods.
Jason gets into my car, in the back seat. I’m not sure if he wants me to sit with him, or if my mom wants me to sit next to her. I want to sit with him, but I don’t. I slam the passenger side door shut, and watch as Nadia walks longingly off. She’s saying something I can’t hear, and I hope Jason can’t either.
My mom sits down in the car, and she holds herself against the steering wheel.
“Mom I can-”
“It’s okay. Peter.” She leans her head forward a little, and mumbles under her breath. She’s praying.
I look at Jason in the rearview mirror. He’s staring out the window. His eyes are longing, and he’s running a hand up and down his thigh. His jeans look loose.
‘I love you,’ I mouth, my mom’s head still down. He glances up at me, and then back down at his hands. He doesn’t mouth it back.
The drive is awkward and long. No one says anything. I can’t think of anything to say that will make this better for Jason.
Once we meet his mom and Nadia at their house, it gets even more awkward. The silence is strangling. Nadia helps us pack his things into boxes and bags- only the stuff he really needs. Clothes and shoes and memories. Once I get a box full of his clothes he tells me to stop. He doesn’t need all of them.
He grabs a few memory things. The dog I’d gotten him for valentines day. Pictures of us, and Nadia and all our friends. A few books he loves. The playbills from all the plays I’ve done- which I didn’t know he kept. He probably kept them for Nadia too.
It hits me when I see how little he actually brings with him. It’s two boxes and a target bag thats only half way filled. He doesn’t have anything left anymore. Except for me.
He takes one last look in his room before he goes. I stand behind Nadia.
“Will you call me?” She whispers, her voice aches. “Please.”
“I will.” He nods. “I’ll be okay, though. Okay? Don’t worry about me.”
She laughs. “I will worry as much as I fucking want.” Then she takes his hand, well, holds his wrist. “Don’t leave me in the dark, okay. Or I’ll go to Ivy.”
Then he laughs. “Oh lord.” He shakes his head. “I won’t, I won’t.”
My mom waited in the car for us.
Jason’s mom is sitting in their kitchen with a coffee. Her hands are shaking.
He stops in the doorway as we’re leaving. His hands shake too.
“Bye, mom.” His voice is small. She glances at him.
She opens her mouth a little, like she wants to say something. But she doesn’t.
Jason stands there, shoulders stiff, for a long moment. Nadia puts her hand on his shoulder after a while.
“Jason lets-”
“Mom.” His face falls, and he steps forward. “Mom,”
“Goodbye, Jason.” She finally says. She doesn’t look at him. She just stares into her coffee and hangs her head.
My heart burns. I wanna shout at her for what she’s doing to him. He hasn’t done anything. He’s been the perfect kid up until two weeks ago, and now you can even say goodbye?
But Jason just nods, and walks out his front door.
Nadia follows us all the way to my moms car, where she brings Jason into a tight hug. “I love you,” They’re both crying.
“I love you too.” He says. I try not to invade. My mom stays in the car.
“Jason you know this isn’t your fault, right? Right?” She holds him tight against her, and Jason sinks into the hug.
“I know.”
“And- and whatever happens I’ll love you, okay. I love you.”
“I know.” He finally pulls away, still holding her wrist. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you soon. I promise.”
Jason’s made a lot of promises lately. I can’t help but notice. To call me. To be there for Ivy. To see Nadia. To be okay.
He doesn’t have a great track record with promises.
He gets in the back of our car, and I get in the passenger seat. Nadia waves until we can’t see her anymore, and the last thing she says to Jason is a choked ‘bye.’
He leans his head back onto the rest. He isn’t buckled in. I’m not going to make him, but I pray my mom drives slow. His eyes are closed, and his breathing is jaggeded.
The drive to my place is long. I realise Jason’s never even been to my house.
I want to say something to make this, even just a little, bit better. I want to assure him it’s gonna be okay.
My head is in forty different places. Every time I look at Jason I’m reminded of all the ways he’s hurt me and he’s hurt himself and every one else but I also see his eyes- when he’d collapsed into my arms, and I hear his strained words and the next thing I remember is paramedics pulling him away from me, off the stage, and to the hospital. I see Ivy and her un-born baby and Matt and his anger and Nadia and her tears.
I hear my mom’s voice, dodging and evading me. I hear Jason’s mom casting him out.
It’s all so much.
But above all I see Jason.
I know I love Jason. And I’ve always loved him.
And he loves me.
That’s all that needs to matter right now. I can think about his consequences later.

---

Jason doesn’t have much to unpack. Physically. Emotionally I think he could go for days.
He tucks his shirts and pants into the old dressur we have down there, and once he’s done he collapses onto the air mattress. I bounce a little when he does.
“Life sucks.” He says. I almost chuckle. It’s an understatement.
“Yeah.” I swallow. I lay down by him. I can hear his heart beating. “Do you… wanna tell me?”
He furrows his brows, but he doesn’t look at me. “About what?”
There’s so much. “Anything. How are you feeling? What your thinking about?”
He breaths, and then turns to me, so he’s laying on his side.
“You.” He says, so quietly. “All I can think about is how much I’ve-” I’m sure I know what he was going to say, if his pride didn’t get in his way.
“Jason. I’ll be okay.” I promise him. I’m… upset with him, about everything he said. But I still love him. And I feel the need to care for him even more.
He sighs. And looks back up at the ceiling. “I feel like… even if everything hadn’t happened, I’d still have done it.”
“What?” I almost have a heart attack.
“Like, like, not that I’d-“ he throws his hands around. “But everything just… exploded. I’ve been living on borrowed time.”
“Huh?” What is he saying? What does that even mean?
“I… I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. I’ve been suffocating myself and- and letting everything anyone’s ever wanted me to be pile on top of me for seventeen years. It would’ve happened even if Matt hadn’t… or Ivy wasn’t…”
It takes every bit of strength in me not to say, told you so. Because, I’ve known that all year! I was trying to prevent that!
His voice breaks around Ivy. My heart aches.
“Thats what I was trying to get you away from.” I sigh. His hands inches near mine.
“I… this is so fucked up… I needed it to happen. I wouldn’t’ve done it myself… I had to get down to this level.”
I take his hand, and squeeze it.
“I don’t like that.” I say. He nods. “I don’t like thinking that.”
“I don’t either.” Jason purses his lips.
We lay with each other in silence. His fingers stroke mine cautiously. I sink into the touch.
“Do you wanna talk about anything else?” Im trying to get him to spit something out. About his dad. About that night. About how he thought in a million years that was all he had left. How he feels about Ivy. Anything.
“It seems like you do.” He chuckles. I wish he couldn’t read me so well. But then again, I don’t at all.
“I wanna know how you are. I need to- I need to understand why and, and whats going on in your head.”
He breathes slowly.
“My dad was really upset. Like- uncharacteristically upset. He almost started crying.” His breath is shaky. “I think it was… us… that really tipped the scale. That’d he’d let me live with you and- and have you over and he’d never noticed. He said it was like he didn’t know me.”
“He doesn’t.” I murmur. Jason turns his head.
“He does. I think. Im still his son, Peter. I- I played baseball with him and he taught me how to be- be a person and… I still love my family. I love my mom and I love my dad even if they don’t love-“ he bites his lip. “They don’t love me anymore.”
Thats all I can stand. I push myself up and hold Jason as tight to me as possible.
“And- and it wasn’t even me, who said it, it was Nadia. She told them that I’d gotten Ivy pregnant, and was dating you and I could see everything they’ve seen in me crumble in their eyes.” He cries into my shoulder, and I just nod numbly.
“And killing yourself is a sin? Isn’t it? So I’m absolutely screwed Peter. I feel like this is my personal hell and god’s just extending it out so I can-“
“I promise it’s not, Jason.”
“I know this is terrible-“ his voice breaks. “but I just wish I’d died. It’ve been so much easier.”
“No. No, no Jason. No.” I hold his shoulders out in front of me. “You- you just can’t say that.”
“That’s how I feel, Peter.”
I wrap my hands around his shoulders. I press his face into my shoulder and rub my hands up and down his back. He grabs the back of my shirt.
“I’m sorry, Peter, I-”
“It’s okay, Jase, it’s okay,” I love you. “It’s gonna be okay.”
He just nods into my shoulder, I feel his breath hitch against my chest, and I do my best to hold back my own tears.

---

Jason falls asleep in my arms in- now his room, I guess? He falls asleep still wrapped up in me, one of his hands uncomfortably under my back.
I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. I’m not sure how long its been that I’ve been down here with Jason. My heart starts to race, but I’m not about to wake Jason up.
He looks so peaceful next to me. For the first time in a long while.
My mom stands at the bottom of the stairs and stares at us.
Jason is still asleep. I hear his breath hit my neck.
Her mouth drops open a little. I’m not sure if she knows I’m awake by now.
I push my head up just a little. We catch eyes. ‘Don’t say anything’ I mouth.
She nods. And then walks back up the stairs.
My heart pounds, and I do my best to just press myself back into Jason, and not think about what my mom just saw.

Chapter Text

My first few days with Jason go relatively undisturbed. Dinners are awkward. My mom isn’t used to cooking for three. And we’ve got nothing that we can talk about at the dinner table. Jason seems upset, still. His eyes are distant and longing, and the time we spend together is quiet and sacred. He doesn’t talk about graduation, or Matt or Ivy or even Nadia that much. But the days draw closer where we’ll all be confronted with each other again. Jason is supposedly still meant to give his valedictorian speech. He hasn’t practiced it once, and I don’t think he will.
I wish he’d talk about Ivy. I want to know what he is going to do.
If she keeps the baby, he can’t go to college. He’ll have to… get a job I guess? And… be a dad. I don’t want that for him,
I want to know so I can know what to do. I can’t go to Berkeley, if he stays here. I don’t think I can go at all. I can’t run away from him, and my mom, and Ivy and… his baby.
Jason and I don’t sleep together like we did at school. I start to have nightmares. Recurring dreams about the moment he fell into my arms. Seeing his eyes go crazy and his legs sway beneath him, his mom yell out when he didn’t get back up, after I broke character and yelled for Sr. Chantelle. I keep hearing the last words he said to me; ‘I’ll be fine,’ when he knew what’d he’d done. I held him for what seemed like hours before the paramedics came. I’m not sure who even called 911. I remember his parents, Nadia and Ivy all standing in shock as I shook him to wake up.
I’ve yet to tell Jason about these dreams, because once I see him in the kitchen for breakfast, all my doubts go away.
He tells me Ivy texted him, and she wants to see him today.
“What did you say?” I pour myself a bowl of cereal. My mom’s already gone to work.
“I… haven’t said anything yet.”
I shake my head, and laugh. “Tell her we could meet her at the coffee shop by my place?”
He just nods. He seems tired.
“Have you been… talking to her at all?” I sit down across from him. He stares at his hands.
“No. I- I don’t even know what to say to her.” He sighs. “I feel so awful.”
I reach out to take his hand. He squeezes it.
“Everytime I think about her I feel like I’m gonna throw up.” He still won’t look at me. “I don’t even know where to start with her.”
I sigh. I don’t either. “We’ll figure it out. Together.”
Finally, his eyes meet mine; they’re half lidded and scared. “You’re okay with that?”
“Y-yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, actually,” I rub my thumb across his hand. “I don’t want to go to Berkeley. I- I-”
“Peter,”
“Jason I can’t run away. I applied to Berkeley because I wanted to get away. And, now, I can’t run away from my mom and you and Ivy and… your baby.” I feel his pulse quicken. My hands get sweaty. “I need to stay here and- and be open. Be out.”
Jason lets go of a breath he was holding. “Okay…” He glances back down to our hands. “But promise me you’re not doing it because of… what I did. I- I don’t wanna stop you from-”
“I love you, Jason.” I promise him. “And- and I think that overshadows stupid Berkeley or Notre Dame or Celillas.”
“... I love you too.” Jason squeezes my hand. “You mean so much to me, you know that? I love you so much.”
“I know,” I smile. “I know.”

------

We meet Ivy a little before lunch. Jason hardly says anything while she gets her food and settles down. She’s showing just a little more. I feel like a storm is on it’s way.
“What’ve you… guys been up too?” She says, plopping down. She’s gotten a coffee and a sandwich, which looks a lot better than the pastry I got honestly. Jason’s just having some coffee, though he hasn’t touched it. He told me it was too hot.
“Not… much.” He starts, then his eyes dart to mine. Our hands are connected under the table. Maybe its being near Ivy, but his hand is sweaty and shaky and almost clinging to mine.
“Catching up.” I say. Hopefully it deflects whatever she was thinking. I don’t know… how she see us, me, anymore. We’ve been lying to her since sophomore year, and even if we weren’t best friends- Ivy’s been a constant in my life since I started school.
“Oh,” She glances at her hands. “Thats… good.” I wonder what she thought we’d say? Fucking eachother? Crying and holding eachother? Thats one’s not that far from true. Dating again? “So i’ve been thinking, Jase-“
Jason eyes leave the table and gaze past her. I can’t tell if he’s listening.
“We should give the baby up.” Her voice is hushed and small. Like she’s a little kid swearing. Jason just nods.
“Yeah… good.”
“My mom said she’s allow it. She’s not happy about it but-“
“You told your family?” His eyes snap to her. She rolls hers.
“Jason there is not much hiding it. Everyone knows.”
“Huh?”
I can feel his pulse racing. Ivy just shrugs her shoulders. “I’m not sure how it got out but everyone knows…” she glances between us. “Everything.”
“E-everything?” I mumble. Jason looks like he’s gonna explode.
Ivy furrows her brows, and nods carefully. “Jase I know this is hard but like… you and Peter are gay.”
His doesn’t breathe. “W-what?”
“I mean, you guys… they know your an item. And they know I’m... pregnant.”
“They being the seniors?” I ask.
“They as in the student body.”
Jason sucks in a quick breath of air and screws his eyes so they’re fixated on a knick in the table. What's going through his head?
“Jason… are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Ivy.” He says forcefully, gritting his teeth.
She pulls back. “Alright.” She crossed her arms, and I dart between them. “So you’re okay with adoption.”
“I’m okay with anything as long as-“ anger builds in his voice and then, he stops himself. “Long as you’re okay.”
Her eyes soften. “Cool.”
They both lean back. Ivy puts her hand on her hip. Jason runs a hand into his hair.
“Well,” I chuckle. “Least we won’t have to come out, now.”
He doesn’t laugh. Ivy smiles a little.
“And- and no ones sent us threatening texts or anything so like…? A start?”
“You really think people would do that?” Ivy laughs a little. Jason glares.
“The last gay kid at Cecilia's was bullied so badly he killed himself.” His voice cuts ice. I didn’t even know that.
“What?” I whisper.
“He was five years older than us, so when we were 8th graders he was a senior. He killed himself right after graduation. He played baseball.”
Ivy stares at him, and I purse my lips.
“Was he…?”
“He was on Varsity at the same time I was on the JV team.”
“Oh.” I feel a rock sink through my heart.
Ivy doesn’t even blink. “That really happened at Cecilia's?”
“Ivy people called you a whore to your face everyday?” I mumble. She furrows her brows.
“Yeah but I’m-“ she shuts her mouth. “Oh.”
“It sucks, okay. It sucked and it sucks.” Jason breathes. I squeeze his hand. “It sucks to hear fucking Zach and Matt and Lucas make gay jokes left and right and- and hear all the fucking girls gossip about who is and- and have father tell you that your-“ his eyes get teary, and I wrap my arm around his waist. I'm not sure where this has come from. I’m glad he’s getting it out. “Tell you that you are wrong.”
“Jason I’m-“
“I know.”
We sit in silence for a long time.
“You could’ve told me, you know. Or Nadia. We’d never… want you to feel like that.” She whispers, and offers him a hand. He brings his up, and squeezes it once.
“I don’t think I could have.” He laughs a little. “My dad would’a beat the shit out of me if I weren’t in a hospital room the last time I saw him.”
His voice is broken and aching. I’m not sure if he’s letting this out to burden Ivy or to get this off of his chest.
“Jesus,” She breaths. “But… you guys are okay? Right? You’re not gonna-?”
“Try again?” Jason says. Ivy nods. “No.”
“And… you guys are… happy, right?” She approaches happy with the uncertainty you would about asking if someone’s mother had died because you can’t remember but don’t want to be rude.
Jason looks at me.
“Yeah.” I smile. “We’re still figuring some stuff out. But… we’re okay.”
“I’m glad.” Her eyes say something different though. “Do you guys mind if I ask like… how long…?”
“Sophomore year.” Jason says, quickly. Almost under his breath. I smirk.
“But we had our first kiss in eighth grade.” I chuckle. Ivy leans forward on her elbows.
“Do tell,” she grins, with a quirky smile I recognize from so many conversations. I look to Jason for the right away, and he just nods, and leans on his hand.
“You had a date with… Diane, right?” I giggle. Ivy raises her brows.
“Yeah…” he rolls his eyes.
“And Jason was super freaked out because he thought she was gonna kiss him, so I, being young, dumb and having a giant crush on Jason suggested we should practice kissing with eachother,”
Ivy cracks up, throwing her head back. It’s just like when we used to gossip about people and she’d tell me about the latest guy she’d stole the heart of. I’ve missed this.
“And he turned like, so red and was all like ‘oh I don’t know Peter isn’t it a sin’ and I literally said-“
Jason giggles, glancing up to Ivy. “It’s not a sin if we’re practicing for when we have girlfriends.”
“And so we made out-“
“And kept it up for a while.” He adds, Ivy smirks.
“And I had just the biggest crush on him and it was so hard not to like… feel like you liked me,”
“I did.”
“Those were times.” I laugh, sitting back a little bit. Then tensions fallen from my shoulders now, and Jason seems at least a little more relaxed.
“So y’all just like… didnt do anything about liking eachother for two years then?” Ivy gaukes.
I glance at Jason. “I guess?”
“We did ‘practice’ quite a bit.” He grins.
“And you were… baseball season was rough for me.” I giggle, my cheeks feeling hot. “Those pants.”
Jason puts his hand on my inner thigh, and Ivy furrows her brows. “Those pants.” He chuckles.
“How… if you guys don’t mind sharing like how’d you end up…?” Ivy glances between us and her hands. Jason smiles at her.
“It’s a funny story.” He says, the tension in his jaw fades and he leans into my shoulder just a little. “Peter, would you like-”
“No. You go.” I groan.
“I found Peter’s diary.” He smirks. “Which, to my defense! Was labeled history.”
“Why were you in my history book, then!?”
“I don’t know? I needed notes? This was two years ago!”
Ivy laughs, leaning closer into us. Jason is kind of whispering, but it’s something. He talking about us in public.
“Well, it wasn’t history. It was pages and pages and pages of really dumb, like, essay length entries about how he liked me but I wouldn’t ever love him and meanwhile we we’re making out and I liked him too.” Jason runs a hand into his hair, and I can’t help but smile.
“So I walk into to our dorm after he’s read a few entries and, at first I don’t realise but then he’s like ‘Peter… is this yours?” I do an impression of his voice, sinking mine down into my chest. “And he holds it up and I have a heart attack standing there.”
“And then I get up and we both stand there for a minuet,” Jason sinks onto his elbows too. “And like, he starts bubbling and rambling about how sorry he is and how he’ll move out and then-”
“He kissed me.” I giggle. “But for real.”
“And then we just… started going out.” Jason says, and he squeezes my thigh. His voice is light, as to not turn any heads, and he touches on the words with uncertainty, but he says them.
This is the first person Jason has ever told about us. The first person Jason chooses to let know a part of him that only I’ve ever seen.
It’s a step in the right direction.
He finally touches his coffee after a while, and I get him a sandwich.
Our lunch ends up being kinda okay. I’m still a little uncertain about what our future holds with Ivy, but it’s ours.
Just as we leave, Ivy says one last thing.
“Good luck on your speech,” She smiles. Jason just sighs, and nods.

-----

The day of graduation, I sneak down into Jason’s room to sleep with him, and we’re both up before my mom, so she won’t notice. We don’t do anything; just cuddle. It’s nice to have his arms around me again, and I’m spared from night mares for once.
I don’t want to go back to Cecilia's. Thank god the ceremony is on the lawn, and not the auditorium, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back in there.
Jason is awake before I am. He stays cuddle next to me for an hour, he says.
When I leave to go start breakfast, he’s staring at his knees, his lips moving quickly through inaudible words.
I think he’s going through his speech.
I don’t ask him how he feels about it, or what he’s changed. He can’t deliver the same speech, which I could practically recite I’ve heard him say it so many times. People will talk no matter what, but if he doesn’t mention it, they’re going to talk.
I make eggs and waffles for Jason and I, and eggs and toast for my mom. She gives me a big smile when she walks down and sees the table set and only slightly burnt scrambled eggs. Jason likes basted, so his are set aside.
“Honey,” She beams, her eyes falling across the table and across me. “Thank you. You didn’t have too.”
“I was awake.”
“Are you nervous?” She says, taking a quick step closer, and then back. She sways a little.
I nod. “A bit.”
She goes to sit down in her spot, and I take mine. “You shouldn’t be. This is your day, you and Jason.”
I smile. “I’ll be okay, mom.”
“I know you will…” She leans on her elbow, meeting my eyes for what feels like the first time since Jason moved in. “I- I worry about you, a lot, Peter.”
I’m not sure what to say. “Why?”
She throws her head around a little. “I… I want you to do the right thing. What’s right for you and- and what God wants for you- and sometimes I worry I don’t even know what the right thing is anymore.”
This is as close as I’ve ever gotten her to saying being gay might not be wrong. My heart pounds.
“I think I know.” I say. She furrows her brows. “I know that being with Jason makes me feel right. And, that god wouldn’t hate something that is true like that.”
She just nods.
“And… I know what is right for me is being here, with you, mom. This is the best I’ve felt in ages at home.”
Her eyes swell. “Huh?”
“I-” I realize I don’t want to say this, but it’s too late. “I’ve been hiding who I am my whole life, mom. So has Jason and- and that's what brought him to- to do... what he did. And not doing that anymore is so freeing and feels so good.”
She stands up, and hugs me tight. “Then thats whats right, thats right.” Her voice breaks. “I’d rather have you be be happy.” I wrap my arms around her too, and I feel whole. This feels right.
I think I’ve made my decision. I need to stay here, at home. I don’t think I can leave my mom just yet. And I know I can’t leave Jason, even if he and Ivy are giving up the baby.
My mom only pulls away because we hear footsteps creek up the stairs from the basement, and the door hinge open.
My mom gets up and goes to make the coffee, just as Jason steps in the kitchen.
“Hey,” I smile. He’s already half dressed- despite the fact we’re leaving in three hours. He looks tired. But he smiles.
“Hi,” He glances at my mom, whose back is turned, and kisses my cheek.
I almost have a heart attack. But he just pulls back, shrugs, and sits down. “I finished my speech.”
“Yeah?” I get up to grab his food from across the table, and his hand brushes mine when I pass it to him. “You changed it?”
“Just a little.” He smirks, and pours himself some orange juice. We sit and eat quietly, my mom joining us when she finishes making her coffee, and I get up to make myself some.
The air is filled with tension, and I sit in the middle of it. Jason and my mom rarely meet each others eyes. I wonder what he’s changed in his speech.
Jason and I get up to finish getting dressed, and as I’m putting on my button up he knocks on my door.
“Jase?” I glance around the hallway before he pushes himself in, and I shut my door.
“I wanted to ask you if you were… okay if I called you my boyfriend in my speech?” He won’t meet my eyes, and his cheeks are a pretty pink. My heart stalls.
My cheeks feel hot too, and I nod. “Yeah? Your- you’re going too?”
“Everyone knows. We might as well acknowledge it.” He shrugs, but doesn’t look at me.
“Yeah. I’m okay with it. But… you don’t have too.” I whisper, taking a step toward him. My top buttons are still undone, and he brings his hands up to them.
“I think I want to.” He carefully does up my shift, and tucks the collar correctly; like he would in our dorm. “You were right.”
“Huh?”
He leans forward, and I take a little of his weight. “We can’t keep hiding.”
I kiss him, and he leans into it slowly. “I love you.” I say.
Jason hums, sinking into one more kiss. “I love you too.”
Whatevers changed in Jason, I hope it sticks. I love this new, comfortable Jason. I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy.
And right now, I’m very very happy.
We lean into another kiss, and Jason puts his hand in my hair. I press mine into his back, and we tumble onto my bed. Jason giggles, tugging my hair a little. We have time, I tell myself. But I don’t have much time to think as his lips find their way to my neck, and he bites carefully. “Mhm, Jase don’t leave marks,”
“They’re so pretty on you,” He laughs. I push his face up.
“You’re the worst.” I chuckle, and he sinks back down on my collar, and opens the buttons he just did up. As awkward as it will be to sit in the car with hickies for an hour, I can’t help but miss this. Happy Jason kissing me and loving me. Wanting me.
I can feel a bruise forming just below my collar bone, which is a better place than my neck. I kiss Jason up and down from his collar to his forehead, and our hips grind into each others. I try to ignore the tightness in my dress pants, and Jason’s, which is pressing into my thigh.
I don’t think he’s ready for that just yet. And I’m not sure I can face my mom after having sex with Jason in my room. So we just kiss, and Jason pulls on my hair and leave blooming hickies along my chest.
So much for no fooling around with him.
Sorry mom.

--

As feared, our car ride to St. Cecilia's is just as awkward and miserable as I thought it’d be. Especially with what feels like hickies that have neon signs pointing at them from under my blazer. Jason and I can’t really talk about anything that I’d be okay with my mom overhearing, and my mom can’t really just talk to me and ignore Jason. So we’re all silent.
It a little under an hour car ride. Every once in awhile I’d squeeze Jason’s thigh and smile, and he’d smile back. At some point my mom turns on the radio and, ironically, Diana Ross is on. Jason almost laughs, as he knows I know all the words, and had a poster of her on our shared walls.
When we get there, I catch glimpses of my classmates. People give us weird looks, sympathetic glances, and only a few people look upset by our presence. I don’t see Nadia or Ivy yet, but Jason assures me they’ll be here.
We stick together, and my mom finds a place to sit. Jason’s eyes dart around and catches the eyes of people he used to know. Not many people wave or say hi, and no one comes up to talk to us. We stay glued to the wall, and talk quietly, but mostly not saying much at all.
Until I see Lucas coming over.
He’s got an odd smile on his face, and looks sober. His hands are clasped at his waist and he’s headed straight toward Jason and I. He’s dressed a lot better than usual- in dress clothes rather than his graduation gown as the school still has those. He catches Jason’s eyes, and his smile evens out.
“Hey,” He says, wringing his hands together. “How’re you doing, guys?” His voice is small, and awkward. Jason smiles brightly.
“Were good Lucas how’re-”
“I’m okay. Been a weird month but I bet you’ve…” He trails off, his eyes bouncing from everywhere but Jason and I. “Jason I, um, I’ve been meaning to tell you, we’re still good? Ya’know? Like, nothings changed between us.”
Jason laughs. “Things have.”
I forgot how close Jason and Lucas used to be, especially before senior year. They were best friends for a long time. Now… They still seem like friends, just… distant.
Lucas’ eyes go wild. “But- but like, I… I just want you to know if I had known what you were goin’ through I wouldn’t of... “
“Thanks, Lucas.” He smiles, looking down at his feet. “I know you wouldn’t’ve been…”
Everyone trails off, all three of us glance around eachother.
“So are you two good?” He murmurs. He sounds a little uncomfortable. He says two like Jason and I are a pair.
I kinda like that.
“Yeah? Yeah.” I smile, stepping a bit closer to Jason. “It’s been rough, but, good.”
Lucas smiles. “Thats good, I, uh, always kinda wondered what the hell you two were up to when you’d sneak off,” He chuckles. Jason sighs, and looks at me.
“I told you people noticed.”
“What else were we gonna do?” I laugh, and so does Lucas.
“Plus, Jason, you were always a lil touchy with Peter when you were high.”
“What?” Jason glances at me, and I just nod. “God, I don’t remember.”
We all laugh, and it’s not as awkward as I thought today would be. It’s awkward, but not terrible.
“Well, uh, Jase, just let me know if you ever need anything, kay? Either of you. I’m staying in town for at least the summer.” Lucas smiles, and I nod carefully.
“Actually, uh, Lucas, are you still selling?”
Lucas’ smile fades and he furrows his brow. “Only weed. I- I can’t do-”
“Yeah thats fine. I just… need something to take the edge off right now.”
My heart races. I don’t know why. Jason’s never been the one to want to get high outside of a party or a rave. He’s also living in my basement, which is not ideal to smoke in.
“Yeah, yeah. I can get you something. Just myspace me or something?”
“Sounds good,” and then they bro hug, which is an awfully straight boy thing for Jason to do. “Thanks man.”
Lucas walks back over toward Tanya, and I look over to Jason.
“Do you really want to-?”
“Yeah?” He glances at me. The bags under his eyes are more noticeable now. Mine must be too, because he leans forward like he’s gonna kiss me. “I dunno it might help me chill out.”
I’m still not sure what he means.
“I’ve just been a little on edge, Peter. I’m okay.” Then he leans forward just a few centimeters more, and presses a quick kiss. I don’t think anyone sees, but it’s almost crazy to me he does it at all.
I realize how much we’ve missed.
We could have been one of those awful couples who made out in the hall and held hands despite being a nuisance to everyone else walking in the hall.
I could have been protective and kissed Jason when a girl flirted with him and he could have asked me out to prom in a big spectacular way. We could’ve been a normal couple. Maybe. Or just, even a little more out. Our friends could- should’ve known. Then this all wouldn’t’ve happened.
“Promise you’d tell me if something was wrong?” I ask.
“Yes,” He chuckles. “I’m good, Peter.”
I don’t fully believe him though.
We spend a little bit longer glued a little less tightly to the wall, until Jason sees Nadia.
He sees her before she sees him, and I see his face light up before I see Nadia.
He brightens, like all the light in the world gets sucked into that smile he sends her. For the first time the whole day he leaves my side and rushes over to her, and I follow slowly behind, to give him some room.
She lights up just like Jason did, and they both meet each other with the biggest hug I’ve ever seen.
“Hey,” Nadia beams, leaving her hands on Jason’s shoulders. I stand awkwardly a foot away.
“Hi!” He grins, I think he’s trying to show Nadia he’s alright. I wanna believe him, but I can’t just yet. “How- how’re things? Are you-”
“I’m fine, but mom and dad decided they didn’t wanna come,” Nadia laughs, brushing her hair out of her face. She looks nice, but not as dressed up as some of the other girls here. Her eyes look really tired, though.
“Good,” Jason chuckles. “I don’t care.”
I think we all know thats a lie.
“How’ve you… been?” She asks. I’m pretty sure thats all he’s ever gonna be asked today. He sighs.
“Good. Better, at least.” He glances at the floor, then back to her. “Been… figuring my life out.”
“Good,” She smiles. “Me too, ya know. I think I’m moving out after our birthday.”
“What?” He furrows his brows, I take a step closer.
“Yeah I’ve been looking at apartments, there's a two bedroom I was looking at that looks- if you,” Nadia glances at me. “And Peter, even. If you wanted to.”
Jason turns to me, and I just shrug, smiling a little.
“I’d have to get a job first, so I can help with the down pay-”
“I just won’t tell dad you’ll be living there,” Nadia grins.
“You’ll live alone in a two bedroom?” He laughs. “He’s not stupid.”
“I dunno, Jase, I just think you should think about it.” She smiles, and he nods. He steps back a little bit so now I’m in the frame of conversation. Nadia’s face kinda seems like something clicks in her head, and she jumps forward to hug me.
“Fuck, hi Peter. Been a while.” She chuckles.
“It has?” I guess?
We both laugh, and let the tension simmer a little bit. She seems back to herself.
Nadia and Jason stay glued to each other. Maybe it’s being separated, but they’re twinly-ness shines through even more than usual. Nadia asks about what we’ve gotten up too and she ends up finishing Jason’s sentences. Jason asks about their parents and they both make cryptic jokes I don’t get about them.
About an hour before things are meant to start, the dean slinks his way behind us. He taps Jason on the shoulder, and we’re all just a little bit frightened by him.
I’m not sure what the staff at Cecilia's knows.
“We’d like to start preparing for the ceremony,” He says, his voice light and un-accusing. Jason’s eyes reach for mine.
“Alright,” He breaths in a heavy breath. I step forward, and squeeze his hand.
“I’ll see you on stage.” I smirk. He smiles.
Jason follows the dean, and Nadia yells a “break a leg!” after him.
I watch him go. I hope he doesn’t back out.
“Peter,” Nadia grins, putting her hand on my shoulder. “So I’m gonna throw Jason and I a surprise party,”
“How can you throw yourself a…” She slaps my shoulder.
“It’s mostly for Jason,” she rolls her eyes, glancing around. “I wanna, have a fun 18th.”
“No, yeah,” I smile. “I like that.”
“So you’re down to keep it secret and distract him?”
I choke, catching myself with a laugh. “I’m really not good at keeping-”
“Please.” Nadia pouts.
“Sure… what does that, involve?” I ask.
“I’m gonna get like two hotel rooms and invite our friends and have Lucas bring-” she mimes rolling a blunt. “And you guys will show up and we’ll have a crazy night and then you and Jason can stay next door so I don’t have to hear anything.”
“How are you gonna-”
“I stole our dad’s credit card.” Nadia smirks. “And he can go fuck himself if he finds out.”
My heart pounds. “Nadia.”
“I honestly don’t care anymore what they think about me- or Jason- I’m just waiting to get the fuck out of there.”
“I know but-” I don’t want your dad to take it out on Jason. “Won’t you need like,”
“Money? I’m perfectly capable of maintaining a job, I think.”
“I mean-” They’re not going to blame you, Nadia. They’re going to blame Jason. “Nadia, I don’t think you get what-”
“What don’t I get, Peter? I’m really not going to stand by our family if they’re going to kick Jason out.”
I stutter, I’m not sure what I want to say to her. That I worry about what her dad could do to Jason and I? “I don’t think you’re going to get in trouble for it. Jason will.” I breathe.
“What?” Nadia furrows her brows.
“Your dad isn’t… he’s already given up on Jason so… he can’t… They’ll probably just blame Jason for being a bad influence and- and I don’t want him to do anything to Jason.” I’m not sure Nadia knows what I know about Jason’s dad. And as much as Jason loved, loves, his dad, I don’t trust him to be have any semblance of kindness when it comes to Jason’s situation.
Nadia looks even more confused, her brows furrowed and lips pursed. “He can’t do shit to you or Jason.”
“Nadia, I-” I’m not sure I should say this to her. “You know that he’s… hurt, Jason, before. And- and he’s got connections, Nadia.”
Her eyes widen.
“He’s what?” Her voice is tight, and scared.
“He-” Jason wouldn’t want me to have told her any of this. “Nadia just promise me you’ll be careful with how you deal with this, okay? Don’t get too on his bad side until this all cools off.”
Her eyes screw around, and she sucks in her cheeks.
“Yeah, yeah I promise.” She glances around quickly. “Peter, what’d he say he-”
“I don’t think he’d want me to tell you.” I whisper. “It took him years to tell me.”
“He’s my brother!” Her voice is harsh but quiet. I can see the frustration boil in her eyes.
Her eyes are a lot like Jason’s; if you look close you see a lot more than you’d expect.
“Then, ask him but… Nadia I can’t share his shit like…” Like Matt did. She glares a little, but then her eyes soften,
“I get it.” She breaths a heavy breath. “I don’t like it, but I get it. He… deserves that.”
“He does.”
We stand awkwardly with each other. Nadia’s kinda like a step-sister to me; were not close like blood family but by force were often together and share a mutual connect whom we love. I wanna be close to her, for Jason’s sake. And if we end up living together…
“You’d really be cool if Jason and I lived with you?” I break the tension quickly.
She glances at me with a funny look. “Do you think I wouldn’t be?”
My heart pounds. “No, but-”
“Peter I-” Her voice breaks. “All I want is for you and Jason to be happy and okay. I don’t care if you guys are… gay or whatever.”
She says it like it’s a swear word. Like its something she shouldn’t say at school. It stings a lot.
“Okay. I just- needed to be sure.”
Then, she hugs me. Her arms wrap around me quickly and I don’t know what to do with my own.
“I’m sorry, I… I hate what you guys have had to go through, now that I know I-”
“It’s okay, Nadia.” I choke. “We’ve all just gotta… live for today.”
She nods, and sweeps her hair out of her face.
I wait around with Nadia until we’re all called into the gym to get our graduation gowns, and then the day picks up from there. We’re sped from the gym back to the waiting hall area, and families are escorted out, and before I know it it’s 2:00 and time for us to watch the ceremony.
Our principal speaks first. It’s a weird speech; he dances around the events of our final week at high school with the coordination of three years olds in a dance concert. Jason sits on the stage awkwardly next to the dean and the vice principal, wringing his hands together over and over. He’s got some paper in his hands, which I assume is his speech, but I know he’s got it memorized.
I wonder if they asked him to say something else.
I freeze up when he stands, and I see how scared he looks.
Our principal introduces him, and I see Matt look down when he says his name. I don’t even want to know how Matt feels about all this.
Jason leans into the microphone, his cheeks bright red, and takes a breath. His shoulders sink, and he looks up and smiles right at me.
“Promise...Webster’s defines promise as ‘a declaration that something will or will not be done.’ I believe we all made a promise to ourselves when we came to St. Cecilia’s. We promised ourselves we would strive for our best academically. We promised our families we wouldn’t get kicked out-”
The crowd laughs stiffly, but the seniors around me laugh genuinely.
“We promised each other we would treat one another with respect, and above all,” He breaths in quickly. “We promised God that we would live with faith, and do our best to live our lives the way He intended.”
Father Flynn, who’s sitting on the parents side, bows his head down.
I hope Jason doesn’t notice, as his eyes are dancing around from face to face above all of us.
“I think today, we have fulfilled some of those promises. Many of us have excelled academically, and obviously we didn’t get kicked out,” The crowd laughs again. “And I think we’ve all done our best to treat each other not only with respect, but as we would our family. And we will continue to serve God, and live our lives with faith that has been emboldened by our experiences here. We have all grown, and been shaped by our time at Cecilia’s, and I know, for me at least, there is no way I can ever forget my time spent here. St. Cecilia’s became home to so many of my peers, and it was truly my home. I will miss my time here more than anything, but I know we are all off to do great things.”
So far, he’s stuck perfectly to his speech. My heart starts to pound a little. Maybe he chickened out?
“There are a few people I’d like to thank, though, in particular, for making my time here so special to me. And for… sticking with me through the hard times I’ve experienced recently.”
I don’t know this part…
“My sister, Nadia,” He finds her face in the crowd. “For keeping me grounded, and being there for me when no one else was. The only time you haven’t been there for me was the 6 minuets from when I was born, to when you were born, and I can’t thank you enough.” Some people laugh, I think mostly moms.
I glance at our principal, he looks quite pleased with Jason’s speech so far. Father Flynn still has his head bowed.
“Lucas Carter, for A, being one of the best friends a guy could ask for, even when I was not. And B, for supplying the fun. Always.”
Every student laughs, and I think some parents too. Lucas beams. My heart is pounding, If I were to take a guess, I’ll be next.
“Matt Lloyd,” Matt’s head shoots up, and his cheeks turn red. My heart stops completely. I’m not sure if Jason is trying to humiliate him or- or what? “For keeping me humble, and…” His voice wavers. “For helping me discover myself. Even if this year sucked for both of us.”
Matt smiles, and my heart stammers, but picks up pace.
“And- and- uh,” Somehow I know he’s going to say my name. Suddenly I don’t want him too, it's all too much, and too scary and too public. My dad is here, shit, everyone I’ve ever known is here.
“And my boyfriend, Peter.” He holds my eyes, and doesn’t look anywhere else. The crowd collectively holds its breath. “Thank you, for- for loving me, and caring for me, even in times when I didn’t deserve it. And for standing by me.”
My eyes start to water, its been too much. I’m so glad he said it. I love him, I love him I-
“I love you.” Jason says.
His voice almost sounds like its coming from above me, heavenly, almost. And his eyes look so far away and the only thing I am capable of feeling is a drenching of longing to take his hand and not let go right now.
The crowd doesn’t clap, like they would for a straight couple in a movie, but they don’t boo and Jason has yet to be escorted off the stage. They look like they're all in shock.
Our principal has his head down too, now, and his cheeks are tomato red. Father Flynn has his hands clasped on his lap like he’s praying, rather than listening.
I search for Sr Chantell in the crowd; she’s sitting far along the adult side, and she looks truly radiant. She looks so proud of Jason. She knows, and she’s fine with it.
She knows. And she’s fine with it.
I don’t dare look for my family, and just keep my eyes on her.
“And, last but definitely not least, Sr Chantelle.” Jason’s voice sounds broken now. “Thank you for directing one heck of senior play. I’m so sorry I ruined it.”
Some of the crowd laughs awkwardly, which makes my heart burn. They’re not laughing at the fact he tried to kill himself, deep down I know that they’re laughing out of discomfort, but it still feels like an attack on Jason.
But then Sr Chantelle stands up and yells; “You saved us from watching that complete disaster, Jason! Don’t worry!”
And the crowd erupts into even more uncomfortable laughter. I can’t get myself to laugh, but I smile.
“Thank you to everyone who contributed to my time at Cecilia’s. I know we are all going to go on and change the world, but I hope we all remember how our time here has shaped us, and all that we were taught. I wish everyone good luck, but I know we’re all going to face challenges of all sorts in our lives. I leave you with this quote, in hopes that you will remember it when you’re searching for times when life was easier; ‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.’ Psalm 46:1-3.” He reads that from his paper, and my heart flutters. “Thank you all, and I hope life leads us all to great things.”
Jason walks away from the podium, and Nadia claps. I pick it up too, when I realise what's going on. She stands up, and so do I.
Lucas, Tanya and Kyra join us, and then Matt. Then Ivy. Sr Chantelle is already standing when I glance over at her.
Suddenly the whole senior population is on their feet, and many parents are too. There are a few people notably not clapping- my father, for one. He looks absolutely stunned. And Father Flynn, but he doesn’t even look up.
My mom is in her seat, but she’s clapping. And she’s smiling.
My heart bursts.
Our principal gets up and “thanks” Jason, but he looks too flustered to really be grateful. It’s finally time for us to walk the stage, now. My hands start to shake. Jason goes and takes his seat next to Nadia, so he’ll be in the right order when his name is called.
Lucas is one of the first, and there is little fan fare from his parents. He shakes our principals hands with the grace of someone like Lucas Carter, and he joins the other kids who’ve already got their diplomas.
Diane and Matt are the next of my… friends (?) up. Matt accepts his awkwardly and his face is beat red. His mom goes a little crazy with the pictures.
Then, Jason.
He strides across the stage with confidence I haven’t seen from him in a while. He looks like dumbbell weights have been lifted from his shoulders. Only me, Nadia, Lucas and Sr Chantell clap.
Then Nadia. She’s less confident than Jason, but she takes her time with the moment she deserves. Ivy’s not long after, and she hides under her robes, and only smiles for a moment for pictures. And then finally I hear “Peter Simmonds.”
My heart pounds, and my mom stands up with her old camera. I meet our principals eyes, and he looks at me kinda weird. But we shake hands, and I take my diploma and hold it in front of me so my mom can get a nice picture.
The rest of the alphabet is a blur, and I anxiously drum my hands along my thigh. I wanna get to Jason, hug him, kiss him (if there aren’t too many people looking) and just hold him.
I can’t wait for tonight, as I’ve figured out after last night, that I can sleep in Jason’s arms if I go to him after my mom goes to bed. I just want to hold him, and have him hold me, and just feel okay.
I love him so much. Its all my heart can think about right now. Beneath that is worry and pain and knowing that people surrounding us are judging and hoping far worse for Jason and I, but above all that is the knowing that I love Jason. And he loves me.
Our principal gives final words of goodbye, and then the crowd erupts into screeches of celebration.
I jump to Jason, and he grabs me by my waist, and kisses me.
In front of all our peers, and families, and everyone.
Maybe it’s too much, and Jason is getting a little ahead of himself, but I am so happy to have his lips on mine.
I feel eyes on us, but in the moment I just don’t care anymore. Jason has his hands around my hips, and I can feel his smile against my lips and I feel his heart pound between our jackets. My hands are on his cheeks, and I’m trying to hold him even closer. Both our cheeks are burning red, and honestly, the kiss lasts longer than anything decent should.
When Jason finally pulls away, his eyes do look a little crazed. I can see love in them, but I also know I see guilt, and shame in there.
“I. Am. So. Proud. Of. You.” I whisper, but it feels loud when he’s standing barely two inches away. Were still surrounded by all our friends, and I feel Nadia’s protective gaze on Jason’s back. It’s not kissing in front of our parents but it’s so crazy that Jason even did that.
And he said he loved me, in front of everyone.
The Jason from a month ago would have never. He hadn’t even said he loved me until a few weeks ago. God, don’t let this be too good to be true. Let me just have one good thing.
Jason just smiles at me, and pulls his hands away from my hips, but leaves one dangling near my hand- like he wants me to take it. I oblige.
Jason finds Nadia quickly, and promptly avoids talking to Ivy. I let it go today, as I can really only hope for so much. (and, part of me wants to ignore Ivy as well) I leave Jason with Nadia, and tell him to meet me in our dorm at 3:45.
I’m trying to find my mom, and I guess if I stumble across my dad I’ll have to speak to him. Thinking about it- I haven’t seen my dad in like… three months. I haven’t spoken to him at all since I got cast in the show, actually.
I… love my dad, like Jason still loves his family, but it’s so hard to talk to him anymore.
“Peter!” I hear my mom, and she waves her arm around. She’s standing next to my dad, but my smile still picks up. I race over to her, through other celebrating families. She grabs me around my shoulders, and pulls me into a tight hug. Right now, I don’t even care if she doesn’t really get it. She loves me. I catch my dad’s eyes, and he looks… fine. Definitely confused, at the very least.
“Congrats, buddy.” He claps my back, but his voice sounds stilted. I wonder if my mom told him not to mention anything. I pull away from my mom, and he pulls me into an awkward hug. “How’ve you… I heard you’ve had a hard end to your senior year.” His voice is low, and stings a little. I probably should have called him, to let him know I was okay after he saw Jason almost die.
I had kinda forgotten he was even at the play.
I just nod, slowly. “Yeah… I’m... “ I glance at my dress shoes. “It’s been a weird month.”
“Your mom and I were talking,” whenever he starts a sentence like that either he’s going to tear half my life down, or I’m gonna get spoilt out of divorcee guilt. “And, I- I was wondering if you wanted to spend a little more time with me this summer? We could… go somewhere? Or just catch up.”
I furrow my brows, and glance at my mom. She smiles. My heart pounds a little.
I… wanna go. But I don’t think I want to leave Jason alone, yet. Maybe if he were living with Nadia it’d be okay.
I like hanging out with my dad. We do kinda “man” stuff. He’s taken me fishing, camping, we’ve done some sports-y things together that I was… not good at. I don’t see him much ever, especially since I spent nine months of the year a Cecilia’s.
“I, yeah!” I smile up at him. “Jason’s birthday is at the end of the month and were doing something special but, uh, July we could…”
My mom smiles, and glances at my dad.
I’m not sure what they talk about when I’m not around. I don’t remember a time when they got a long. Even when I was little, I don’t remember a time they didn’t fight.
But my mom seems calm, and I think my dad is doing his best to put up a front for me. I wonder if he’s okay with it?
I can’t see him taking me to pride or something… hell, I can’t really see him even being okay with it, but if he could tolerate it…
“That sounds great, kiddo.” He puts his hands on my shoulder, and it feels like he’s trying to be gentle; to use kids gloves with me.
“Do you- um,” I don’t know if I can say it. “So are you…” I can’t get the words out. “Can we talk? As a family. Later.”
I look to my mom first, and she smiles, but her eyes don’t read as happy. She does still look scared. Maybe it’s too much. Then I glance at my dad, and his face falls from vague support to concern.
“Yeah?” He says it carefully. Obviously they know. But will they acknowledge it in front of me?
Maybe I’m asking too much from them. This is too soon. My mom only just found out I was gay and- and I’ve forced Jason on her and she’s been so good about it and my dad- I haven’t even spoken to him in like three months- and he’s never been very supportive. This is too much for them.
“Dad, uh, you should have dinner with us, then.” I do my best to smile. My mom holds her breath.
“Sure,” She breaths. I’ll have to thank her for putting up with this later. And for making a dinner I’m forcing on her.
“Yeah, whatever you want, Peter. It’s your day.”
“Great I-” I glance around, searching for Jason. “I told Jason we’d go get our stuff from our room but I’ll be back in a bit!” I run off, before my parents can get even more awkward.

I find Jason hanging around the staircase that leads up to our dorm, he’s got a cute smirk, and he looks happy; happy to see me, happy to be here, happy to be out, happy to finally feel free.
“Hey,” He giggles. When I step close enough he wraps his arm around my waist, and kisses me. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Jase.” I laugh, leaning into his face. We stand close to each other, and soak in a moment of bliss.
“I’m so fucking happy.” I feel his smile against my cheek. “I’ve never been happier, Peter.” My heart bursts for him.
“Me too. Me too.”
“Todays been so good. Like, fuck, I don’t even care. I’m just happy.”
“Good,” I beam back at him.
He grabs my hand, and we finally start up the stairs. We’re up four flights, right at the very top and down the longest hallway. It felt very shut away, safe, back when we first moved in. We hold hands as we walk up the stairs, and Jason keeps pressing kisses on my cheek and I feel his heart bursting.
“Oh, uh, my dad’s gonna come to my house, I guess.” I say, carefully. It’ll be a little weird with Jason there, but it’ll be fine.
“Yeah? Is he-?” Cool with it?
“I don’t know? That what… I’m gonna talk about.”
“Ah… Do you… want me there? Cause I could get dinner with Nadia.” He glances at me.
“I-” I stall. “It might be better if it’s just me… I don’t want to like, I want it to be calm.”
Jason smiles. “No that sounds like a plan. But… call me whenever he leaves? Okay?” He squeezes my hand.
“I will.” I lean forward to kiss him. “And then we can have… a night in.” I grin, against his cheek. I lower my voice, but, I don’t think anything is actually gonna happen tonight. I’m already too tired.
“Oh yeah? Or upstairs we-”
We both hear footsteps racing toward us, and Jason kinda snaps his head away.
“Jason!” I hear Matt call, just as he rounds the corner. “Jason!” He stops at the bottom of the stairs, breathing heavily.
Jason turns around. “Hey?”
“Can I… talk to you guys?” His voice is small, and he doesn’t meet Jason’s eyes. I stand just a little bit closer, feeling protective. Matt takes a few steps up.
“Sure?” Jason narrows his eyes. “If you’re gonna ask me if I’m okay though, no. I’ve answered that so many times today.” He laughs, stiffly.
“No I uh,” Matt stops a few steps below us. “I wanna apologise to both of you. I’ve felt… awful about what I did this whole month.”
“Thanks.” I say. I kinda just wanna steal Jason away to our room. I’m still kinda angry with Matt, even if Jason… isn’t.
“Thank you.” Jason says, carefully.
“And uh, I just want you guys to know I’m okay with you. Like, I- I didn’t mean all the things I said. And I’m sorry, Jase. If I had known…”
“If you had known what?” Jason says. “Because, Matt, I forgive you. I- It would’ve happened at some point.” I hate that he thinks that. “But like, if you’d have known I was going to kill myself you wouldn’t’ve called me a faggot? Or- or outed us? Cause… you shouldn’t’ve anyways.”
I’m not sure where this is coming from in Jason, but I’m just glad he’s letting it out. That he’s okay enough to say all this.
“I-“ Matt stalls. “I know. I know I really fucked up. I was… jealous, Jase.” His voice is soft. “You’ve always gotten… everything I ever wanted. And- and I know that’s such a shitty reason but I just wanted you-“ he dips his head down. “I wanted you to feel how I felt.”
“Okay.” Jason sighs. I squeeze his hand, and hope he stays nice. “I forgive you.”
Matt looks at me, with eyes that are pleading for me to say the same thing.
“Peter, you don’t have to. It’s okay.” He says.
“I…” I don’t. That's the problem. I feel like I should, but Matt took away the thing I’d been praying I’d get to do right since I was twelve. He (I know, in my heart he didn’t, but) almost took Jason away from me. I told him something I never thought I’d get to say- and he took it and tore it up and ruined it for me. “I’m sorry, Matt. I just… what you did really sucked.” My cheeks feel red, and I can see my hurt reverberate in Matt’s eyes. “And- and like I know you feel bad and stuff but I just…”
“It’s okay. Peter. I understand.”
“But, uh, don’t be afraid to reach out. Just give me some time.”
He smiles, sadly, but nods. “Sounds good.”
Jason squeezes my hand, and then we stand awkwardly for a moment.
“Have a good summer, guys.” Matt smiles awkwardly, backing away from us.
“We will. See you around, Matt.” Jason smiles genuinely, and stays where we are. I want to pull him up the stairs.
“See you around!” Matt calls, as he makes his way away from us, but his awkwardness echos for longer than his footsteps do. Jason finally begins to pull me up the stairs, and we make our way back to our dorm.
“Thank you, for, keeping your ground.” Jason says, softly. I glance at him.
“Yeah, I just… I don’t wanna lie, at all, anymore.” I sigh. Jason leans a little of his weight on me. “I’m leaving all our old… crap in this room.” I point at our door, which were nearing. “We’re starting fresh, right now.”
Jason nods, carefully. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. We’re gonna be okay, Jase. I know it.”
“Are you psychic?” He laughs.
“Yes,” I punch his side. “And I can see you- against our walls, absolutely fucked cause I’m-”
“Jesus,” Jason shoves me, putting our key in the door. Then, he darkens his eyes. “I think it’s the other way around, babe.” He presses me up against the wall, taking my wrist up above me. He kisses me, forcefully, and grinds his hips up against me.
I push Jason back, against the other wall, and bit down on his lip. “No, sorry.” I grin against his lips. Jason rolls his eyes, but kisses me again. He runs his hands up my back, until one is in my hair, and he tugs it. I moan into his mouth, and my cheeks go bright red. I hate that I do that. It’s so embarrassing.
“Oh fuck,” Jason grinds his hips up into me. “Thats so hot-”
“Jason lets,” He moves his lips to my neck. “take it inside,”
He nods, and pushes me into our room, slamming our door behind him.
When we’re in our room, the energy changes. This is where we spent so much of our lives hiding, and now we’re finally tucking that away. There’s still a lot of our stuff up, and Jason had already brought boxes in to pack up that were never filled.
“I miss living with you.” Jason sighs, sitting down on his old bed. I think the sexual tension has dropped ten fold being in here. “I like Nadia’s idea. We could… live together.”
My heart jumps. “I like it too, but, I’d really like” I stand between Jason’s knees, and lean forward into a kiss. “To just live with you. In a one bedroom.”
He grins against my lips. “Oh I’d love that.” He puts his hands around my hips, but unlustfully this time. “Imagine us- making breakfast for each other, and washing dishes together, and like falling asleep on our couch together.”
I beam, he’s put a lot of thought into this.
“Thats goal number one. We can… we can both save up for that.” I kiss him quickly. Then, we hold each other in that embrace. “We should pack.” I sigh.
“Aw, dang, I thought we’d just fuck each other.” Jason laughs.
“All we’ve done today is kiss calm down.”

----

Jason gets a ride with Nadia, and I promise him I’ll call as soon as my dad leaves. We kiss, but very quickly, as he’s about to go. I’m not sure if my parents see. Jason seems too happy to care. He takes our boxes with, so I’ll have one less thing to think about.
My ride home with my mom is just as awkward as you’d think it’d be. She doesn't talk, other than asking me what she should make for my dad.
We get to our house about twenty minutes before my dad does, I’m not sure how he left the same time as us and gets here late, but I don’t question it.
Before dinner, I change into more comfortable clothes, and it gives me a chance to think about how I’m going to say this. I have no clue, how to even begin. Part of me doesn’t even want to do it, I know I have to though.
I can’t keep living like this; anxious and hiding. I just… I need to be out. More than anything.
I’m a little emboldened, by that fact. Knowing that my life will be better, weather this goes well or not, my life is going to be better because I am out.
I step downstairs, after my mom calls that dinner is ready, knowing all I have to do is say it. After that, whatever happens is in God’s hands.
“So, um. What’d you wanna talk about, Peter?” My dad touches each word carefully, like he’s not sure if he even wants to say it.
My heart pounds, you just have to say it. Just say it.
“I- uh,” My hands are so sweaty. Just say it. I can feel my pulse racing upward. “I’m… You probably already know but I’m-”
My parents eyes burn into me, and I KNOW they both know so why doesn’t one of them just help me say it.
“I’m gay.” My voice breaks when I say it. Both of their eyes widen. I know you know. I really know you know. He called me his fucking boyfriend in front of you. I kissed him.
“We… we know, Peter.” My mom finally breaks the silence. My heart races. I just want my dad to say something. Anything.
I can feel my tears building up. Just say something.
“Peter, I…” He starts, and then falters. Maybe I was wrong, life isn’t better out I’m so screwed I just lost my dad I- “I don’t get it, bud, but…”
But
“I love you. You know that right? Neither of us want you to feel like you couldn’t-” He waves his hand around. None of us have touched our food.
“We don’t want you to feel how Jason did. Ever.” My mom chimes in, and her eyes take mine softly. They’re both sitting opposite me, and they both look so scared. They look just as bad as I feel, but behind their eyes I know there's sympathy. I know deep down they really do love me, without conditions. They’ll get over me being gay.
Maybe that’s what drove Jason to what he did, and they are right in saying that they’re support would keep me from ever feeling like Jason. He didn’t have that deep down knowing. His parents don’t love him without condition- they only love him when he’s straight.
I think I get why Jason did what he did. I hate it. But if I feel so terrible already, and I have a family overly willing to love me, I can’t begin to imagine what it was like for Jason to lose that, lose his future, lose god, and lose me all wrapped in one week.
I’m already crying, but when I let go of my breath, it crashes out with a great sob into my ravioli.
Today’s been really weird.
Both my parents get up and stand above me, whispering nice things that fall on my deaf ears. I just tug my legs in and sob into them. It’s been too much today. I can’t do it.
“Peter, honey, it’s okay.”
“Buddy, I’m- I’m sorry?”
My brain clicks into place when he says it.
“No, no dad you didn’t- you didn’t do anything I just- I-” I try and wipe my tears away, hoping there's any way I can salvage our dinner. “It’s been a tough day.”
My mom rubs my back, humming in... agreement?
Everyone sits back down after a little while, and we eat in silence while I sniffle every few seconds and my parents who, have never gotten along, suspiciously still haven’t fought today.
“Pete,” My dad only ever has nicknames for me when I’m upset. “I think you’re mom agrees when I say I don’t think I understand why,”
Why, what? Why I’m gay?
“But we want you to know we love you? And we want you to be happy.”
“I know, I know…” part of me wants to say something snarky about how there is no why to ‘why’ I’m gay (i’m just gay.) But the overpowering part of me wants to curl up in Jason’s arms and sleep for 45 years.
“And we can try, to get it, honey.” My mom breaths carefully, like anything could set me off again. “We’ll try.”
I breath in, slowly. “That’s all I want.”
Both of them smile, and my dad tucks into his ravioli.

The rest of our dinner is terrible and awkward, but at least I did it.
I finally did it.
I head up to my room for a minute as my night kinda draws to a close. Mostly to calm down a little. But then, I hear footsteps and a knock on my doorway.
When I turn, my dad is leaning against the door like I’m gonna invite him in.
“Can I sit?” He asks, pointing next to me on my twin sized bed. I nod reluctantly. He sits in silence for a minute.
“So… you and Jason?” He starts slowly, and sounds so much like a dad.
“Yes,” I sigh. I’m not sure what he thinks that involves, but hopefully one day I can assure him that it’s just like him and his highschool girlfriend. I wonder what he thinks about me now, and about… gay people as a whole. He’s never been… openly homophobic, I guess? Just, said all the same dumb shit as the straight boys in my class. And… sent me to Catholic school because I was a feminine kid. So, not all good.
But people change, and maybe, me being gay, can help him step into the direction of someone who’d never send their kid to Catholic boarding school because he put on lipstick once.
I think my dad’s an ever changed man since he got divorced. I think he used to be a lot… meaner. Which probably contributed to the ‘Catholic boarding school’ sending. But, especially in the last three years, I’ve gotten a lot nicer of a dad.
“You two are… dating.”
“Mhm,” God this could never be more awkward.
“How long has that been…?” Going on. I don’t even dare to meet his eyes.
“Sophomore year.” I genuinely think I might die. I have never been more embarrassed. “Did mom put you up to this?”
He chuckles. “No. I just… wanna know what’s been up with you, Pete.”
“Oh…” My cheeks go red.
He just rolls back onto his palms, and smiles, I think.
“So you and Jason are kinda, serious?”
I hope I explode. I can’t have this conversation right now dad.
“Yeah I, um,” I suddenly feel the need to prove it to him, though. “We were talking about moving in together.”
His eyebrows raise, and I look away promptly.
“Really? Aren’t you a little sick of living together?” He laughs, but I can’t.
“No,” My voice feels really small, and it melts his eyes.
My dad grins; a soft, fatherly smile I never get to see anymore, and he pulls an arm around my shoulder. “Are you… happy?” His voice is small now.
I can smile then. “Yes. More than happy.”
I think they connection my parents can understand is the fact that I love Jason. That’s what’s universal about this; my parents have loved. Even if they don’t ‘understand’ how I love him they can understand I love him. The how and the why can… come later.
My dad rubs my shoulder, and sighs. He doesn’t say anything for a long while.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call after the play.”
My dad turns to me quickly. “You don’t have to be sorry, kid. It- your mom said it was a really hard time for you.”
I just nod, and stare at my knees.
“You still wanna spend some time together in July?”
I glance up at him; he’s still got the soft smile, and his eyes, despite feeling a little far away, can meet mine still. “I know you might not want to be away from Jason for too long but-”
“No I do.” I smile. “I’d really like that.”

Chapter Text

Nadia and I go out and just get Olive Garden. It’s kinda nice though, to just sit and chill out. We’re… a little awkward. I feel like she doesn’t want to say anything wrong, but it makes her walk on eggshells. We don’t know what to talk about anymore.
“So uh,” Nadia holds her fork above her plate for a moment, waiting for my eyes to meet hers. “How are you actually doing?”
I breathe in carefully. I’m not sure how to answer her, cause I don’t really want to tell her all the bad shit. I don’t want her to think I’m gonna do it again, because I’m not. It’s just been… rough. Sometimes.
“I… ya know? As good as I can be doing.”
“That's just not an answer.” She rolls her eyes.
“Nadia I-” I don’t want to tell you. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Her mouth drops open, and she shakes her head. “Jason I know you’re not into feelings and shit- and I’m not either but, I-” Her voice breaks. “Jason it really fucked me up,”
My heart drops.
“I need to know how you’re actually doing. For, my brain’s sake even.”
“I…” I don’t have the words, Nadia. “It’s been bittersweet, I guess. I love- Peter makes me so happy. Like, genuinely, I’ve never been more happy when I’m with him but-”
“But?”
“When it’s just me, I- um, I…” This sounds so terrible. You’re being such a pussy, Jason. You’re fine. “I just feel kinda empty. Like, like sad, but more than sad but- not depressed, just like… I’m running on empty.”
Nadia wrings her hands together.
“Do you think you’re…?” Depressed.
I haven’t even wanted to think about that. The idea that that could even be a possibility is so… unknown to me. I don’t want that. That’s never even been on the table.
But, as it turns out, my life hasn’t gone as I’ve wanted too these last couple months. And God seems truly set out on fucking me over.
“Nadia I’m happy when I’m with-”
“Jason, you should just be like, happy. With or without Peter.” Her voice of reason stings, cause I know that. And I know when I’m not with Peter, there are so many moments when I feel like all the weight in the world is sitting between my ribs; my heart aches with just a weird, new, feeling- I’ve never been like this before. I was a happy kid, I think. Or I… never allowed myself to feel, at all.
But now it feels like it just doesn’t end; it feels like I’m sinking in a bathtub that I turned on and then the knobs fell off and I forgot how to stop it. I’m being drowned by everything I’ve ever felt- when I’m happy it’s the happiest I’ve ever been but when I’m sad I’m so fucking depressed that it sinks in deeply and leave me feeling like the air sticks to my lungs makes my whole body ache.
God, maybe I am depressed.
The feeling lingers, too. When I’m here with Nadia, undeniably I should be overjoyed right now. And when I was with Peter I was. But now I feel numb- I’m running on empty again now.
“I don’t know, Nadia. Maybe?” I lean my head into our hands. “I’m not gonna do it again. You know that right?”
She nods, but her eyes don’t believe me.
“Maybe you should… see someone about it?” Her voice is breathy. I’m not sure if she really thinks that, or is just saying it. That’d be a new low, for me. This is my absolute rock bottom.
Peter would probably say something like “It’s only up from here, then, Jase!” And I’d laugh, and agree, and feel bad for lying to him.
I don’t know if I can give him that; the beautiful, ‘were gonna be okay’ life he wants so badly. I want to give him that. So. Badly.
“I don’t want to.” I breathe. She looks at me like I’ve told her she’s ugly or something. “I don’t wanna do that, Nadia. That’s so-”
“Jason if you need help you should get it.”
“How would I even afford it? Nadia, there’s no way I could.” I run my hands up and down my jeans. She rolls her eyes.
“You could think about it a little more.”
I just sigh, and bite into garlic bread.

Peter doesn’t call me until Nadia and I are just sitting in her car, listening to music. I flip my phone open and see his home phone number, which is a big surprise. Things must have gone well?
“Hey,” I beam, Nadia turns the music down. She’s playing the new(ish) Avril Lavigne album for me. “How’d things go?”
Peter breaths a little shakily. “It went good. I cried.” He laughs a little.
I bite my lip, my cheeks burning a little bit. Nadia’s making eyes at me. “Good cried or?”
“Uh, good cry? I guess? I kinda freaked out and got really emotional with my dad and stuff too.” Peter sounds tired, and his voice is fried, like he’s been sobbing.
“Yeah? And he’s…?”
“He… he like sat with me for a while and like, asked about us? Which was crazy? And like after your birthday I’m gonna spend a week with him or something?”
I grin, and lean back into my seat.
“That’s great.” my heart falls, though. “So… you still wanna cuddle?” I chuckle, and Nadia raises her brows like I just asked him to suck my dick. I shove her.
“Yeah… I’m still a little… shaky.” His voice is really small. “So, beware.”
I laugh. “Sure,” I run a hand into my hair, and Nadia touches her keys tentatively. “I’ll see you in about… 20 minutes? I love you.”
“Good. I love you too.” His voice softens around those words. I hang up, and Nadia smirks devilishly.
“Cuddle.” She says.
“Yeah.” My cheeks burn. “He hasn’t… wanted to do anything else yet.”
It’s Nadia’s turn to turn red. “You guys… what do you even… do?”
“Nadia you really think I’d date Peter for three years and still be a virgin?” I try and laugh it off. What does she think we do? It’s not much different than what Ivy does… did.
“I guess not.” She laughs awkwardly. “But he hasn’t wanted to do anything?”
My cheeks burn. “No. Not… lately. We like, kiss and stuff but he hasn’t gone any further than that.”
“Maybe he’s just a little,” she waves a hand around warily. “After everything.”
“Well… I kinda hope that changes soon.” I laugh, and so does Nadia, but she looks really uncomfortable.
“I literally can’t believe I didn’t know,” She sighs. “Y’all were fucking this whole time and I never even guessed.”
We both laugh, but tension hangs in the air.
“A testament to how good of an actor I am? My own sister thought I was straight.”
She rolls her eyes, but keeps them pinned on the road. “Sure.”
We get to Peter’s in just about twenty minutes- and I see his light on in the window, and his figure peak through the blinds.
The rest of his house is dark.
Nadia turns to me, and undoes her seat belt.
“So, uh, I’ll see you soon?” She doesn’t look me in the eye.
“Yeah. I- we’ll have to talk about our birthday? Maybe something… lowkey.” I smile, kinda trying to lean in for a hug.
She grins. “Sure- lowkey.”
I don’t like the tone she takes with that. But she leans into the hug and I squeeze her shoulders. “If you pull some shit-“
“I’m not saying anything.”
I get out of the car and watch her go. I’ve gotta remember to call her.
I use the key Peter gave me to get in, but he’s waiting at the kitchen table for me.
“Hey,” he smiles. He looks so tired, and his eyes are kinda red. He does look like he’s been crying.
I pull him into a tight hug first thing, his hands grabbing onto my dress shirt.
“I’m proud of you.” I whisper. I can feel his breath hitch. “I love you so much.”
I take Peter to our bed, both of us very much teary eyed, and he falls asleep in my arms.

Chapter Text

I hear Peter get out of his bed before I realise where he’s going. Then I see his feet pass my door, the spring in his step, and the car speeding away from our front door clue me into what he’s up for.
Jason.
It hurts. I sit at the edge of my bed, unable to sleep but not awake enough to go and confront the two. To tell them to go to bed.
I listen, carefully; “Hey,”
Silence, I think they’re staring at each other with the eyes that used to send me spiraling.
“I’m proud of you.”
“I love you so much.”
It makes my stomach turn.
And then I hear Peter cry.
I want to hold him, he’s my little boy.
I hear Jason grab him, and Peter gets up from our squeaky chairs, and then the basement door creaks open, and I do not hear Peter walk back to his own room.
I just ask you don’t fool around with him, Peter. For my sake.
My stomach turns as I lay back down, knowing I should go back down there, get Peter into his own bed.
“I’m gay.”
I hear it over and over and over again in my head.
“Mom I-“
Dear God,
I don't know what to do; about him, about Jason, about him and Jason.
I love Peter. So indescribably. But I just want what’s right for him.
Maybe, just maybe, this is what is right for him.
I don’t want him to be like this, but more than that I don’t want him to kill himself. That’s my biggest fear; losing him. And he’s been so down these last few years.
Maybe it’s because he was away from Jason.
I don’t even know if they can love each other. Can they? How would that even work? How can they…
I, admittedly, know very little about homosexuals. I don’t think I’ve ever even met one. Before Peter.
I don’t want him to sin. And I don’t want him to go to hell. But even stronger, I don’t want him to feel so alone, that he’d do what Jason did.
Jason did what he did because he was lost and alone. If I can keep that from Peter I will. It is a matter of sheer survival, lord.
God, please tell me, am I doing the right thing for him? Because he’s such a good kid, he’s always been. This is the only thing he’s ever done wrong. Is he doing the right thing? He thinks so.
Maybe he’s even closer to You. Because he believes so strongly that he is okay. That what he’s doing isn’t wrong, and that you ‘wouldn’t ever hate something so good.’
I don’t know what to do, God.
Please send me an answer. I am so lost.
I want to love Peter for who he is. But I don’t know if I should.

Chapter Text

I wake up with my nose tucked in between Jason’s neck and shoulder. His arms are around my waist, and his lips are pressed against my cheek. My hands are tucked up by my chin, and laying carefully against his jawline. Jason breaths slowly, and carefully. His eyes, closed and calm, are so beautifully peaceful.
I love him.
Everything in my heart tells me that.
I feel Jason’s eyelids flutter, hopefully I didn’t wake him up. His eyes find mine as soon as they open.
“Good morning,” He whispers.
“Morning.” I yawn. I’m still pretty tired. I wanna stay in his arms all day.
Jason pulls me up a little, so I’m laying right on top of him. Then, we just breathe together; my lungs expanding into his. I could fall right back asleep like this. Jason puts his hands on the divets in my hips.
“What if we don’t wake up today.” I say, and my voice is kinda collapsed by laying on Jason. He laughs, but its choked because I’m on top of him.
“I’m okay with that.”
I just nod, sleepily, and rest my head back down on his chest. Jason runs his finger up and down my spine.
“So… tell me how it went.” He breaths.
“Um,” I drum my fingers on Jason’s forearm. “I… sat down for dinner, and my dad asked me what was up, and I just... Told them.’
Jason beams at me. “Good, good.”
“And then I started crying and my parents aren’t good at being parents so they try to comfort me badly and- and then we finish dinner. And then like, later I go to my room and my dad comes in and asks me all these questions about you.”
Jason chuckles. “Does he like me?” He says it like we’re normal.
“He asked me like, if we were dating and if we were serious and like… was okay with it, it seems like? He still wants me to spend some time with him this summer.”
“Jesus it’s already summer.” Jason closes his eyes.
“Yeah. Obviously I’d go after your birthday.” I grin, giggling a little.
“What the hell do you and Nadia have planned?” He furrows his brows. “I don’t want anything, just like we can go on a nice date.”
“I have nothing planned.” I smirk. “So, I’ll plan a date. It’ll be nice.”
Jason runs his hands across my ass, and kisses me quickly. “Good. I don’t really believe you but good.”
I chuckle, and kiss him again.
“What, kinda date do you want?” I raise my brows. Jason rolls his eyes. “Because we could… go to a restaurant or movie or an arcade or…” I run my finger up his chest. “We could stay in, and I could treat you to something fun…”
I feel Jason’s hips rise a little against mine. “Mhm, I think that last one we could do along with dinner?”
“Do you? Because I think it might take all night.” I roll my hips into Jason’s.
This is way too flirty for a sunday morning. We probably won’t go to church today, (as we haven’t since Jason was in the hospital) but I’d like to keep it even just a little more holy.
“Ugh, Peter you’re-” He chuckles, running a hand into his hair. “This is too much if we’re not gonna do anything right now.”
I giggle, but I do know I have no intention of having sex with Jason with my mom upstairs.
“If my mom weren’t home…”
“I know.” He groans. “But you can’t give me a hard on and then not do anything about it.”
I furrow my brows at him. “You’re not hard.”
“Not yet.” He rolls his eyes.
We both laugh, and I push his hair back into place. I rest my head back onto his chest when our laughter dies.
“What’d you and Nadia do?” I ask.
Jason rests a hand in my hair, playing with it. “We went to Olive Garden,” He laughs. “Then she tried to therapize me.”
“Huh?” I glance up at him. He freezes a little.
“I, uh…” His voice wavers. “I, you know, I just… haven’t felt great recently, you know. But I’m okay.”
My heart slams on it’s break. “Are you?”
Jason stutters. “I- I, Peter, when I’m with you I’m great.”
“But when you’re not?”
“I’m just… kinda sad.” He breaths. “I don’t really get why. It just feels stuck on me.”
My whole body freezes. I knew he wasn’t totally okay. Why can’t he just be honest with me.
“Nadia thinks I’m depressed but I-”
“What?” I push myself up, so I can see his eyes.
“Peter, I- I’m okay! Really! I’m just still kinda… adjusting. Okay?”
My brain goes wild. I can’t being to pin that word on Jason. I can’t even think.
“Can you promise me you’re okay?” I say, carefully. Jason nods.
“I promise you. It’s just been a rough time.” He puts his hand on my cheek, but I pull away.
“And- and promise me you won’t ever try again, please, Jason I know you won’t but just-”
“I promise.” He says firmly. “Peter Thomas Simmonds I promise you I will never, ever.”
I nod, but I still can’t think anything.
“Peter, you know I love you.”
“I know. I love you too.”
“And, I’d never do that to you again. Okay?” He touches my cheek, and I lean into it. “All I want is to be with you.”
“I want that too,” I lean back down, so our lips are almost touching.
“Like… forever. If you want that.”
My heart pounds. “I- I do.”
Why the fuck did you say it like that, Peter. It sounds like you’re marrying him.
We both breathe in tightly, and I feel his heart rate pick up. Then, he laughs, and perfectly says: “Glad we’re on the same page.”
“Yeah,” I chuckle, but I’m radiating heat from my face. “Yeah.”
“Forever you and I, you know?” Jason says, which sounds a little like a laugh but is too strained to really be one.
“Forever you and I.” I lay back down on Jason’s chest, feel my cheeks burn, and think about being with him forever.

Chapter Text

The first time Jason and I have sex after everything, isn’t how I’d thought it’d go.
My mom is at work, and we’re just sitting with each other; I’m reading a book, and Jason’s… thinking? About what I’d really like to know. It feels like a fairly normal day.
We started just kissing. His hands are in my hair and mine are against his back, pulling him closer.
It feels like we’re back in our dorm, again. With Jason finally oblivious to the world and all he sees is me.
But now, his hands are a lot less needy. He’s not rushing anymore. He's not worried to get it over with in case somebody walks in on us (which never happened.) He's careful and slow and loving.
I don't know what’s changed? That we're in my basement, safe from someone walking in? Because if so I'd put a lock on the basement door and we could do this more often. Or maybe it's being out. Being open for the first time in his whole life.
But he's changed, and the way he touches me shows.
Sometime while kissing, he ends up on top of me. His fingers tug my hair and run through it, and his kisses pepper up and down my neck and collar. I, on the other hand, am incredibly needy. I want his hands to reach other places. I've missed his lips against my collarbone and biting carefully at the skin. I've missed us.
"Jason," I breath against his neck. I feel his smirk against mine.
I don't want to push him into this. But I want him. "Jase-"
"mhm," He kisses my lips to shut me up. "What'd you need?" His voice is hoarse. I don't have anything to say. I want him. Then, he smiles. A real, genuine, un-lustful smile.
"You're beautiful."
I blush. The heat rushing to my cheeks and between my legs. "No,"
"Yes," Jason raises his brows. He lays himself next to me, leaving a hand on my cheek. I push forward to kiss him.
We stare into each other's eyes for a moment. "Do you want to do this? Because we don't have too." I say. Although, I'd very much like too.
Jason bites the inside of his mouth, and my heart races. "I do." He finally says. "But it still feels wrong."
I furrow my brows. "Did it feel wrong at Cecilia's?"
He nods a little. "But... in a different way..." He glances up at the ceiling. "This feels, less wrong. It still feels wrong but like... I get to chose if it is or not?"
"It's not... wrong." I say.
"What if it is?"
I hold my breath. "I don't think it is."
Jason looks back at me, and his smile returns. "okay... me neither." He kisses me, and puts his hand on my hip. I know he's just trying to set the conversation aside. I don't think he means it.
I roll so I'm more on top of him, and his hands finally linger over my thighs. I buck my hips down into his. While we kiss, he undoes my belt, and slowly he runs it out of the rings and throws it aside.
"Don't let me forget that." I chuckle. "Mom would kill me if she thought we were-" He finishes my thought with a kiss, and a quick nod.
"won't." He breathes. I undo his shirt, running my hands over his chest, kissing him from his collarbone down to his abs. Jason's hands go to the places I need them too.
I work at his belt, which is harder to do for me than it was for him, and he doesn’t help. He brings his hips up to mine, and I feel the tightness in his jeans press against my thigh.
His hands are placed on my hips, almost tugging off my pants if he were to apply any force. But he’s teasing me.
“Jason-“
“Peter,” he kisses me. “Make it last.”
I’m not sure why his voice sends un-lustful shivers through me. Sometimes he still scares me.
But I nod, and let him tease me until he decides he can’t anymore.
His hands grace my sides, and along the arch of my hips, and I leave searing kisses all the way down him until I reach his waistband, and pull until he gives in and lets me take off his jeans. I kiss his thighs. He holds me. His hands move up into my hair and to the small of my back, and he holds me in a kiss. His hands are strong and firm and the one in my hair tugs just a little and I grind my hips down to his in hopes he’ll give in.
“Jason,” I pull away, just centimetres. “Jason I need you.”
He caps my sentence with a kiss and a tug in my hair, which makes me moan into his mouth. Then, he pulls away, and helps me slip my jeans down my legs. Eagerly, I reach for his, but he pulls back.
We sit up more; Jason’s thighs straddled around mine on top of his bedsheets. He kisses down to my thigh, and in a slow and exaggerated motion moves his hand to finally relive some of the tension between my legs.
“J-Jase,” I hate how calm he seems. Maybe I did like some parts of our dormitory secrets. I liked not getting teased until I can’t see straight. His teeth plant themselves on a what is usually a very visible spot on my neck, and he leaves his lips there. His hand works slowly, building upon my tension which is already reaching a breaking point- though I’d like to hold out for Jason.
Then, he chuckles, pulling away from my neck where a bruise is building from broken cells.
“Peter, let lips do what hands do.” He smirks, catching my eyes.
My breath hitches, and he kisses me, before moving is mouth down to my underwear.
He mouths me though the fabric first, and that’s too much already, but then his fingers grace my hips and he tugs carefully, and takes me in his mouth.
My breath hitches and I roll my hips into him almost immediately. He chuckles around me. The hickies forming on my neck burn lust down my spine and the tugging of my hair brings my teeth to my lip and I hold back a moan. And Jason’s mouth- which I have grown accustomed too- is suddenly all too much. I can’t being to form a thought, as all I am is Jason’s mouth around me.
“Jase,” I breath, his eyes skirting up to mine. “Oh my, Jase.”
He draws his lips slowly away, and pulls my hips on top of him.
As he reaches for lube, he uses his other hand to cup my cheek. “You are so beautiful.”
My cheeks burn even more. “If you say so.” I’m still not used to a Jason who so openly loves, sometimes.
“I say so.” Jason brings his face up to mine, one hand holding the lube I’ve had to hide away in his room since we left school. “I’m so in love with you, Peter. Not- not even because were,” he throws his hand around. “But I really love you.” His voice is soft and whole. I feel his heart against mine.
“I love you too. I love you, Jason.” I kiss him, and he leans into it without passion- but with love and heart and a wholeness I don’t usually get with him.
He finally pours a handful of lube and brings his hand around my backside. I can’t even stand it- I lean my head into his shoulder and hold back a moan with my teeth. Jason laughs.
“Ready?”
“Yes.” I groan, my voice coming out even more exasperated than intended.
Jason holds my hips steadily over him, and I sink onto him. It hurts, a little, but feels so so so good.
I don’t know how anything so so so good could be a sin.
But I’ve been thinking that a lot lately.
We choose a rhythm, and Jason uses his free hand to pump my cock. It’s so much and yet Jason looks fine. Maybe a little hot but not tipping over the edge already.
Part of me stings with worry. What if he doesn’t like me like this anymore? What if he-?
“I love you,” Jason’s head rolls back as his hips roll up. His eyes close and he bites his lips. “Holy shit, Peter.”
I smirk, and roll my hips back down into his. I need to get him to my point.
“Oh lord,”
I do my best to match his rhythm, coming down onto him as he rolls his hips up. I think Jason quite likes it, as his hand falls from me and he grips the bedsheets. I regain some senses, and smirk.
Jason looks suddenly over the edge, his hips rolling up into mine, and his teeth grind into his lip. His hands fumble to my thighs, and he pulls me even closer without losing our rhythm.
If I were to think about it, about now is when I’d start to feel really dirty. When we’d have sex at school, right around the time I’d spill over would be the moment where I’d feel the very worst, and hate what I’d done. But I don’t allow those thoughts today, a) because it feels so good and b) because I need this now with Jason.
“Peter I’m-“ he bites his lip, hard, and rolls his hips into mine faster. He doesn’t, yet, and keeps rolling his hips. As he says it I run a hand into my hair, and bring my other hand down to myself to catch up.
“Mhm, Jase,” I screw my eyes shut, and my muscles tense. My cup has been filled almost to the rim, and I’m about to pour over, just as Jason rises his hips up, and he beats me to it. A moment later, I come, and were both left breathing heavily and awkwardly left in our position.
We’re quiet for a minute. I try not to let the shame set in.
“That was so good,” Jason whispers, his voice hoarse.
“Yeah,” I breathe.
We change position, and I end laying facing him, one of his hands across my chest, and one my mine in his hair daisily.
He drums his fingers along my ribs, and I play with his soft hair. His eyes linger on mine, and for a while were just staring into each other.
His eyes are really a window into his soul. You can see every twinge of emotion and moment of fear in them, but only if you look closely. I love his eyes.
He looks a little afraid, and I lean over to kiss him.
“You okay?” I whisper.
“Mhm,” he nods, and his gaze falls away. “I- I... I don’t want to think this is wrong,”
I suck in my breath. “Its okay to feel that way for now... long as we’re working on it.”
He purses his lips, and glances around the room.
“If god didn’t want me to love you, he wouldn’t’ve let me meet you.” He smiles.
“Yea!” I giggle. I know he doesn’t believe what he’s saying, but I do. “I think god saw us and thought- wow, they are fucked.”
“They’re gonna fall so in love and be so dumb about it.” Jason rolls onto his back, and I lay on his chest. “I like that.”
“Me too.”
Jason runs his hand into my hair, and I breathe slowly. “I’m sorry if... back then I... I don’t even know, like, made you feel like I didn’t love you. I do. I always have.”
“I know you... we’re going through a lot, now.” I say.
“I should’a been a better boyfriend.”
I hold my breath. Because he’s right. He should have. But I don’t care anymore. I care about my Jason now.
“We all could have been better. I’m just... happy you’re okay and we’re okay.”
He hums in agreement, and we both end up falling asleep slowly.

Chapter Text

Jason and I don’t really do much. We spend everyday with each other, but… we always have. Our lives start to seem normal again.
Except for the ‘Ivy problem’ in the back of everyone’s mind.
Jason’s making lunch, when his cell rings.
“Can you get that for me?” He asks. I’m just sitting and doodling at the kitchen table.
I flip his phone open and see Ivy’s number, and answer. “Hey?” My voice wavers.
“Jason?”
“No, this is Peter.” I do my best not to sound too miffed she’s calling Jason. She’s pregnant with his baby, Peter.
“Oh! Hi Peter!” Her voice lights up. “I um, is Jason there?”
“Uh… yeah? He’s making lunch for us though.”
“Oh, well…” She falls off. “Can you take a message for him?”
“Sure.”
“I just wanted to ask him if he wanted to come to a… doctor’s appointment with me. They’re, um, gonna do ultrasound on me.” Ivy sounds so small now, and my heart drops from it’s cavity. Jason glances back at me.
“Who is it?” He asks.
“Ivy.” I mouth.
He just raises his brows and turns away.
“It’ll be next thursday, at 2:00? I can… change it if he can’t come though.”
I hold my breath. I know we’re not at all busy, and it’s the day before I leave for my trip with my dad. Jason’s birthday is this saturday.
I write the date and time in the corner of my notebook. “I’ll tell him for you.”
“Thanks, and uh… I’d like it if you came too Peter?” Ivy says carefully. “I don’t really think Jason and I have evened things out enough to spend much time together yet.” She laughs, but it just makes me feel possessive.
“We’ll see.” I murmur.
“Thanks, I’ll… talk to you later?”
“Yeah, talk later Ivy.” I hang up, and my heart pounds against my chest. Jason turns around, and can probably tell I’m a little bit mad.
“What’d she want?” He flips over the hashbrowns he’s making.
“She… wanted to know if you wanted to go to an ultrasound.” The words fall like dumbells into the room. Jason freezes, and his shoulders tense up. I don’t think he breaths in for a while. “Jase…?”
“Fuck,” He’s more breathy than actual sound. He still hasn’t turned around, and he slumps his shoulders down. “Jesus fucking christ.”
I don’t know what he wants me to say. My heart pounds, and I can feel the room tense up just like his shoulders. “You don’t have to.”
“I should. I’ve been such a fucking douche about all this I-I-” He puts his face in his hands. “Fuck, she’s pregnant. I- I’ve barely even thought about it since we saw her.” He wraps his arms around his face, and I step up to hug him. I hold myself against his back, my arms wrapped around his waist, but he doesn’t untense. His arms stay wrapped around his face, but I can tell he’s crying- or at least close to crying. “Fuck, Peter. She’s pregnant, fuck.” He turns around in my arms, and leans his head into my shoulder so I don’t see his face.
I wish I knew what to do to make this go away. Jason’s come so far in the last two months, he’s almost a different person. He shouldn’t have to followed around by the one thing that he can’t get rid of from then.
He could’ve gotten rid of it. He was the one who didn’t want too, Peter.
“Fuck, ugh, Peter I’m sorry fuck I shouldn’t-” He pushes himself away from me, looking at his hands like they’ve hurt me.
“Jason It’s okay!” I fill the space he created. “We’ll… We’ll figure this out? I promise.”
“What is there to figure out, Peter? I fucked up and- and she’s having a baby and I’m, fuck-” He runs an exhausted hand up into his hair. “I’m gonna be a dad.”
“Jase, she’s gonna give the baby up.”
He breaths a heavy breath, and won’t bring his eyes back to mine.
“Shit.” His cheeks get red, and his eyes water. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry-” He wipes his eyes. “I’m gonna burn the hashbrowns if I don’t-”
“Jason we could talk about it I-”
“Peter I’m fine.” He turns coldly. “I just… it’s a lot.”
“I don’t care about it. You know that right? We we’re broken up we-”
“Peter it’s not just that.” He won’t look at me.
“I don’t know what you think I’d get upset about then! Jason I’m not upset with you I’m- I’m just worried about you and-”
“Peter just drop it!” He grits his teeth, and I freeze. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
My heart pounds, and I slow sit back down. “Okay.” My thoughts race, though, and I can’t begin to silence them like Jason. The kitchen’s noisy, and Jason lets that fill his head rather than the thoughts that rattle me.

---

I try to put Ivy out of my head friday night. I sneak into Jason’s room around 12:00, and he’s still not asleep. “Happy birthday!” I whisper-yell. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, but the lights are off. It looks a little weird.
I see his eyes light up though, when I step down the stairs.
“Thank you.” He whispers. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“No,” I chuckle. “I wanted to be here for your birthday.”
“You could see me in the morning,” He says, but then opens his arms as though he wants me to lay in them. I step into his arms, and he kisses me. “But, thank you.”
I kiss him. “I want to be here, 12 to 12, for your birthday this year.”
When we were younger, 7th, 8th grade, Jason and Nadia had birthday parties that half our class got invited too at their families house. But Jason was never allowed to have sleepovers. And I never got to spend his birthday with him once we started dating.
“Oh, the woes of a summer birthday,” He grins against my cheek. “Never spending it with your boyfriend.”
That warms my heart, to know he would have missed me if I wasn’t here.
“My thought exactly. You always made my birthdays so much better.” I put most of my weight on him, and he leans back into the bed a little bit.
“Really?” He kisses my neck. “September birthdays are the way to go, then?” I feel his teeth scrape up my adams apple. I would say that Jason is inexplicably horny for the middle of the night, but I also promised him a fun birthday, and then snuck into his room.
“Well… now,” I grind my hips up once. “I think this summer thing might grow on me.” I push Jason down onto his bed, and kiss him on the way. I don’t know what we’re gonna do, my mom is asleep upstairs, but I don’t really mind right now.
“Good,” He runs his hands down my back until they reach my backside. We kiss; passionately and digging us into a hole where we’re going to end up doing something tonight too. “Peter,” he breaths.
“This isn’t even your birthday present.” I chuckle. Jason presses his lips on my neck.
“Oh god,” He laughs. “You’re gonna ruin me.”
I smirk, rolling my hips into his, and pressing my lips on his neck. “I plan too.”
Jason breaths shakily, and his hand grabs my thigh tightly.
“Are you okay with this?” He says, carefully. “Your mom is upstairs.”
I bit the inside of my mouth, and tense up a little. “I-” Jason’s eyes melt me every time, and any caution I once had is thrown away. “As long as we’re quiet.”
Jason grins, and bites down on my lower lip.
I love Jason. My heart swells every time I see him and in moments like these other places swell. I love him so fucking much.
Nadia let me know I’m meant to distract Jason until 8:00 tonight, and then bring him to an undisclosed location for our party. It had a room number though, so I’ll assume it’s still a hotel. I’m planning on taking him out for dinner.
His hands run up and down my thighs, and after a moment of fumbling he gets my sweatpants down my legs, and I get his shirt up and off him.
Part of me knows this is silly, but I wanna be with Jason for the rest of my life. We’ve been through so much together. I love him, I love him I love him I love him.
God, my brain can’t even begin to form thought other than that. I know, it looks bad, that we’re kissing and touching each other and that’s what convinces me I’d like to spend the rest of my life with him? But it’s all I want right now. I want to be with him; knowing he slept with Ivy, and knowing he’s got issues he’s refusing to let onto. I want Jason- whole and with the imperfections he so perfectly hides. God, I love him I love him I love him.
We don’t do anything too crazy. Jason and I end up falling asleep around 1:30. My heart races with Jason.
Dear God, if this isn’t what you want for me, I don’t know how else I am meant to live my life. I pray, in Jason’s arms, and my cheek pressed against his chest. Thank you, for bringing me Jason. Even if it wasn’t how you intended. I don’t care, I’m just glad I have him.

----

Dinner is cute and simple. We go somewhere that won’t make Jason too uncomfortable when I make sure the waiter knows I’m getting the bill.
We get a couple of looks, probably because for a few minutes, Jason holds my hand across the table. He looks so happy, when he does it too. He lights up and beams love from his smile. The waiter- who can’t be more than three years older than us- seems like he doesn’t want to put up with us. Jason’s cute, he rubs my finger before he lets go of my hand when the waiter checks in on us. And he even kisses the top of my hand when he says he loves me.
But, the true highlight of my night was driving Jason to the hotel.
“You realise you didn’t get off the highway, right?” He squeezes my thigh, where his hand has been the whole car ride. Jason doesn’t drive, when he doesn’t have too. He doesn’t like it. The ‘hand on the thigh’ trick truly does make my heart pound though, especially since Jason thinks we’re going home to have a ‘fun night in.’
“Uh-huh,” I grin. “We’re… not going home yet.”
He furrows his brows. “Where… are we going then, Peter?”
“I can’t tell you.” I giggle.
“Ugh,” Jason laughs, leaning his head onto his hand. “I fuckin’ knew you two had something planned! What are we-”
“I can’t tell you!”
Jason gets a devilish smile on his face, and then lowers his hands into my inner thigh. “You suck.”
“I’m not gonna tell you!” I giggle, switching lanes so I’ll be able to get off the highway soon. “We’ll be there soon.”
“Ugh, fuck you.”
“I will,”
Jason’s smile stammers, and he half laugh half swallows. “So we’re going somewhere we can be alone?”
“...You could say that.” I grin. “You’re gonna have fun, I promise.”
“I’m scared.” He laughs, and his hand makes nervous circles on my thigh. “Is it a sex dungeon or something?”
We both laugh, and then I switch into the final lane, which unfortunately has signs up pointing towards a McDonalds, and the hotel.
“Okay so either a sexy McDonalds, or a hotel?” He giggles.
“I’m! Not! Telling! You!” I half shout, giggling too. “You’ll see when we get there.”
“Wait- so are we having a sleepover with Nadia or did she set this up because if it’s the latter that’s fucking weird-”
“Stop asking! I won’t tell you!”
“And if it’s the former.. Uh I thought we were gonna fuck tonight, Peter? That's not happening with my sister there.”
I can’t help but laugh, but that might end up being the case, except we will have a wall between us. Hotel walls are thin, Peter.
It doesn’t take long for me to find the hotel, and Jason catches on right away. He sees the car Nadia usually drives and smirks at me. Little does he know, all the other cars are his friends.
At the check in desk I ask for room 347. The young guy points me upstairs, and once we pass him, I take Jason’s hand. He sinks into it.
“Is this a party party or a party?”
“Does the answer affect your willingness to participate?” Part of me wants to joke with him, but I also don’t want to force him into anything he’d rather not do.
“No? I just wanna know if I’m gonna get wasted or not?”
“You… will be getting wasted.” I chuckle. He nods, thoughtfully.
Once I reach the door, I check my watch. It’s about 3 minutes passed the time Nadia asked me to come. I knock, and then turn the handle carefully.
“SURPRISE!” Noise erupts from the room, and everyone jumps out from corners and nooks and crannies. I turn to Jason, and catch his face lighting up. Nadia’s the first one to step forward, and she runs into a hug with Jason.
“Happy birthday!” She shouts, and Jason stands stunned for a moment. Then, he wraps his arms around her.
“Happy birthday!” He laughs, holding Nadia tightly. The rest of the crew jumps up shortly after Nadia; Lucas, Tanya, Rory (oddly enough), Kyra, and Zach. It makes me realise how sparse on friends we are.
I also take note that there is no Matt or Ivy present.
The party kinda kicks into gear right away; Nadia dims the lights and turns on a “disco ball” esque light machine, and blares music from a radio. I’m sure we are going to get a noise complaint. I do see that theres a room connected to this one that no one else has entered, but the door is open. I think that’s for Jason and I.
Nadia and Kyra are dancing (?), mostly just talking and bouncing along to whatever’s playing. Jason, Lucas and Zack are in a corner together, with a bottle of tequila and a they’re all smoking. Lucas didn’t bring any X though, and definitely no GHB.
I’m… sitting alone kinda? I’m on a bed in between Nadia’s group and Jason’s group. I’m getting high off of the boys but I’m not high yet, but I don’t feel like dancing around much. I’m kinda just soaking in the atmosphere. I like it. I like hearing Jason’s havzy voice slowly dragging along every word and Nadia’s chatter and Lucas’ laughter when he’s high.
But the atmosphere is clouded then, by an idea.
“Plus, Jason, you were always a lil touchy with Peter when you were high.”
I wanna know if Lucas is right or not. Cause, usually, when Jason’s high I am too.
I slink over to Jason’s group, and while walking debate whether or not I should plop myself down in his lap or not.
Pushing it, Peter.
I sit down next to Jason, and the first thing he does is lean over and kiss me.
Zach looks a little shocked, and Lucas looks like he’s trying not to mind. Jason’s face is still pressed in between my shoulder and he chuckles a little. “Hey baby,”
“How high are you? I leave you alone for an hour and-”
“Very.” He laughs. I just roll my eyes, and grab his joint. I breathe it in, and I already feel a little high. I’m trying to stay sober enough to see if Jason stays clingy, though I think Lucas has already been proven right.
“How long have you guys been…?” Zach trails off, like he doesn’t wanna say the wrong thing. I bet it’s weird, to suddenly see Jason and I as something more than friends, but it feels so natural to me.
“Sophomore year.” Jason says dryly. He’s so fucking high; his hands playing with mine carefully, and seeming fairly infatuated.
“Holy shit.” He’s mostly talking to me I think, giving up on getting any actual conversation out of Jason now that he’s preoccupied with my hands. “Ya know like… Peter for you I kinda had my suspicions but Jase, I’d literally have never-”
“Suspicions?” I narrow my eyes at Zach. That stings just a little. I’m not sure why.
“Well like… Peter you’re not exactly the most…” Zach throws his hand around, searching for words.
“He’s saying you’re feminine, babe.” Jason slurs. He’s literally never called me ‘baby’ or ‘babe’ ever in our whole lives. I… like it a lot, but i’m not sure he’s super conscious of it even. I push him, just a little, and he leans forward for a kiss, grabbing my face cause he’s a little unsteady.
He is very clingy when he’s high.
I don’t mind, though.
“It’s not that… you’re like the girl, ya’know, Peter?” Zach smiles goofily. I don’t. I really don’t like that. Jason is again distracted by my hair now.
“The whole… idea is that I’m not but okay.” I roll my eyes, and kinda choke a laugh, cause I don’t think it’s at all funny. Jason clearly does though.
“Yeah if you were a girl that’d make my life pretty fucking weird,” Jason giggles. I roll my eyes, it seems like Jason doesn’t really understand the implication.
“Well like, sure,” Lucas lays a hand out, his ring and middle fingers still holding a joint. I grab Jason’s again. “But… in terms we get, dude, you’re like the girl.”
“There’s not much to not get.” I breathe. My stomach drops to my knees, and even if I was starting to get high I’m too upset to feel it. “Jason and I are dating. End of story.”
Lucas and Zach both roll their eyes, like I’m the unreasonable one. “Yeah but we’ve never been with a dude. I don’t fucking get what that’s like,” Lucas leans back on his hands. “It’s gotta be different.”
“It’s only different cause ya’ll make it.” I huff. I wish I hadn’t even said anything.
Lucas laughs. “It’s different, Peter, I assure you.”
I know Lucas doesn’t mean it, specially cause he’s high, but it stings less like a prick and more like a stabbing. And… I know it is kinda different. But I don’t want Jason to think that anymore. Different means wrong in his head, and if one of his close dude-friends thinks its wrong, why shouldn’t it be.
“Just fucking drop it dude.” I turn away a little, leaning into Jason’s touch. I’m not sure how much of this he’s absorbed. “It’s fucking stupid, okay?”
Lucas’ eyes widen, and he draws into himself a bit. Zach glances between us. “Yo, uh, sorry? Peter I didn’t mean-?”
“Jesus, Luke I get it!” I yell. I don’t mean too, but it feels like everything’s just boiled up. “You think we’re different or some shit.” I lower my voice, and hurt boils up in Lucas’ eyes.
“I didn’t mean that Peter. I know you guys have had it really rough lately I- I was only joking around.” He meets my eyes right at the end. Jason’s head bobs up.
“Peter, it’s okay.” He presses his lips against my jaw line, and then leaves his head on my shoulder. His hand lingers around the back of my jaw, and presses my face closer towards his. “S’okay.”
Jason’s slurred words, and his insistence to get me to kiss him warms my heart back up. Lucas and Zack looks uncomfortable again, but probably for me yelling at them rather than a very stoned Jason being a clingy boyfriend.
“Guys!” Nadia’s voice cuts through the tension, and over the music. Tanya turns the radio down. “Wanna play never have I ever?” Both Lucas and Zack jump up immediately, and Jason I follow into the circle. The game picks up pretty quickly, as its neither Jason or Nadia’s usual group for this. And Jason is too stoned to really understand the game anymore.
Kyra’s got some really funny ones, as she knows quite a bit about Lucas’ sex life, and other dumb shit he’s done. Tanya keeps accidentally saying stuff she’s done too when she targets anyone. She’s pretty drunk already. Jason’s only gone twice so far, and both times he’s had to drink to the things he’s said.
I’m not really good at thinking of saucy things, so I just target Nadia for being emo.
“Fuck you Peter.” She laughs, before taking a shot, and making a face right after. “Okay um… Never have I ever… fucked a twin.” She smirks.
I roll my eyes, and Jason looks suddenly confused.
“Nadia who’ve you had sex with?” He asks, very honestly. Everyone gives him a funny look.
“Jason,” she furrows her brows. “You. You are fucking Peter.”
“Oh,” he laughs, and I roll my eyes before taking a shot. “I’m really high you guys stop bullying me.”
I lean into Jason’s shoulder, and grab his face so I can kiss it.
“You taste like tequila.” He murmurs. I just roll my eyes and keep listening, leaving my weight on Jason though.
The game goes a couple rounds without anything too crazy. Zach says “Never have I ever sucked a dick” and everyone but him, Lucas and Nadia take a shot. I’m… fairly certain Rory does, and I’m gonna have to ask him about it later, as it goes unnoticed by everyone but me.
“Never have I ever had sex in a church.” Tanya grins, and keeps her cup pretty far from her this time. Now, I know none of us are exactly good Catholics, but this might take the cake.
“Does it count if it was in the spare room of Cecilia’s?” I murmur, and a couple heads snap to me.
“What?!” Tanya giggles. “Seriously?! Not even I’ve done that!”
Jason just shakes his head and takes his shot. “It was really stupid.”
“Yeah you kept whining we were gonna get caught!” I laugh. Nadai looks vaguely horrified every time she discovers something about her brother’s sex life. “Did we? No!”
“That’s crazy.” Tanya shakes her head, and Kyra leans back on their hands.
The game kinda winds around, Jason and Nadia get caught up in a conversation and by the end they draw themselves away from everyone else. It’s honestly kinda cute, though I can’t hear what they’re talking about, watching them bounce off each other with ease even though they’re high as hell. I’m not as high as Jason, and although I might have had one the highest numbers of shots, I don’t really feel drunk at all.
I’ll feel it in the morning I’m sure.
The party-party draws to a close with everybody kinda crashing around 2:00. Tanya throws up and then falls asleep on one of the beds. Rory offers to drive Kyra home, but they both realise they’re too drunk to drive.
Jason and I are cuddled up next to each other, and Nadia’s sitting on the other side of Jason.
“So, when you think dad’s gonna realize you’re gone?” Jason chuckles. It seems like his high has kinda worn off. My head is just caressed into his shoulder, and I’m almost asleep- though I’m trying to hold out for the moment I can draw Jason into the room left for us.
“Well, he wasn’t home when I left. So he probably got home really late.” She rolls her eyes. “But I’m sure mom will have him try and like… find me or something.”
“Ew, fuck that.” Jason laughs. “Mom knows you’re here?”
“Vaguely. She knows I’m at a party.”
I don’t like the way they’re talking about their dad. Hopefully Jason and I will leave before he turns up.
“Cool.”
“They’re tryin’ to get me to go to Notre Dame… Mom said she’d let me move out if I applied.” Nadia’s voice is small, and she’s playing with her hands.
“Wouldn’t you… move out anyway?” Jason sighs.
“Yeah, but… They’d pay for it, Jase.”
“Then I couldn’t live with you.”
“I know. S’why I’m bringing it up.”
“Oh…” Jason’s voice falls off, and he plays with my hands. “Nadia I was kinda banking on moving in with you.”
“I know… Which is why I dunno what to do, Jason.” She sinks a little into the bed. “I’m not sure it’s realistic for us to be able to live together without mom and dad coming after us.”
“So…?” Jason furrows his brows, but Nadia doesn’t look back at him.
“Jason I’m trying to figure out if I should cut our entire family out of my life.” She snaps, a little. Jason freezes.
“Well uh, they had absolutely no qualms with cutting me out.” He says.
“Jase you know what I’m trying to say.” She sighs. “You… you didn’t have any choice about it. It’s different.”
“Yeah, Nadia, you get to choose whether or not you benefit-”
“Jason you know its not-!”
“No Nadia they’re the ones who fucking kicked me out and- and-”
I squeeze Jason’s hand, and he calms down a little. “Babe,” I whisper, pressing my lips against his jaw.
“I… I think we’re gonna head to bed, Nadia.”
“Kay.” She breaths. “We can talk about it in the morning?”
“Yeah,” Jason sighs, right before pushing himself up, and letting me guide him into our bedroom, and shutting the door.

Chapter Text

I’m pretty tired, and still kinda angry with Nadia when Peter locks our side of the door, and tipsily, presses me against the bed.
"This is your birthday present." He whispers, pressing a kiss against my jaw line.
I'm... drunk; Peter's hands feel like hot metal against my skin, but the pain isn't there and is masked in pleasure that shoots right between my legs. He's running his lips against my neck and jaw and I pull his hair (because I fucking know it gets him off, despite what he will tell you)
When he finally meets my lips, its like my brain explodes. Peter is... everything. He's hot and pretty and beautiful and makes my eyes spin and my heart go crazy and my dick hurt because he's so hot. I'm so fucking drunk. All I want is him. All I can think about ever is how his hair smells like his shampoo and his freckles that dot the space between his cheeks and his eyes and his hands touching me-
Peter throws his shirt off, and straddles me. His eyes are darkened. He looks like he's about to fuck me into oblivion. Two minutes ago he looked like he was gonna fall right asleep.
His hands pull the hem of my shirt back, and his fingers send shivers all right to my dick. He rubs his hands across my chest and presses kisses along my neck.
"I'll top, tonight." Peter sounds like he's smirking.
I almost choke. "Y-yeah?" I feel like I'm gonna come already. His hands draw down to my hips, and rest along my waist band.
"Mhm," He bits my collar bone. "Happy birthday."
His hands unzip my jeans, and he pulls them down my legs. Peter's never liked topping all that much, but when he wants to do it, it makes me go crazy. He's good at it, or maybe it's just that he's Peter, and anything he does makes my heart race now.
Anticipation builds up beneath my boxers, and I rest my fingers on Peter's hips. He nods, and I help him pull them off. He undoes my shirt, carefully teasing me with each button until they're all undone and I'm almost naked. Peter looks so good; the moon light backs him and his eyes are drawn in lustful gaze. His lip is already puffy from biting it, and his cheeks are a pretty shade of pink.
"You're so fucking hot," I breathe, Peter's hands edging closer and closer to my crotch. He's teasing me. I'm not sure I can handle much more of it, either.
He smirks, leaning forward to bite my collar again. "So are you. You're so handsome it kills me."
"You're killing me," I breath, just as his hand runs against my thigh. "Jesus, Peter."
I feel his smirk against my neck. "You wanna do this now?"
"Yes." I sigh deeply. And he smiles again.
"Needy." He chuckles.
"It's my birthday leave me alone." I giggle.
Peter pulls my underwear down, then his own, and I turn over. Peter reaches for lube, and coats his fingers.
"I'm gonna." He breaths, and I nod.
He starts with one finger, and fuck it feels more than good. I groan into the pillow beneath my head. He goes from two to three quickly, and I give him the right away to just start already.
When I feel him enter me, it almost hurts it feels so, so good. He uses one hand to stabilize himself on my back, but then the other sinks down to touch me. We gain rhythm, and I do my best to match it for Peter's sake.
Getting fucked was always so much worse than fucking Peter. It still kinda sends guilt sinking into my stomach and I know I'll regret loving it so much in the morning. I'm not sure what it is about bottoming, but it feels like submitting to sin, almost. At least when I fuck Peter, I'm the one guiding us in our sin.
I want to stop thinking about that. I want to stop thinking like that. But every inch of me reaks with guilt. And then-
Peter quickens his pace, and his hand on my cock starts working even faster. It makes my head race, and I can't even begin to match Peter's rhythm cause I can't think anymore. The tension in between my legs begins to build into a place I can't come back from.
"Fuck, Peter," I moan, my lips getting caught on the pillow case.
"This is good?" He chuckles, thumbing my head carefully. I take in a shaky breath when he does it.
"Yes,"
He laughs, and then I grind my hips up into him. And he catches his breath, and his hands stall for a moment.
He is so good- my heart pounds and it feels like I feel my heart in my dick. I can’t even begin to think straight anymore and my eyes won’t screw up to anything stable.
“Oh my god, Peter,” I breath out, as his hips pick up pace and kinda lose the rhythm they were holding. His breath sounds like he’s going to come; it’s picked up and is weird and jagged. It sends me toward the edge.
“Jason I’m gonna-“ he drags his hand away from me and uses it to stabilise himself some more. “Oh my,”
I bite my lip, and grind into Peter a few last times as he comes, and feel myself falling off the edge.
“Fuck-“ I breathe out, and ride out my own orgasm as Peter comes down from his.
We stay in our position for a moment, until Peter breathes heavily.
“Happy birthday, babe.” He leans forward and kisses my shoulder.
“That was good,” I feel the remnants of the high still tingling in my chest.
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
Peter shifts position, and lays down next to me. I can’t move. I’m too tired.
“I love you,” he puts his hand in my hair, and runs it through his fingers. I grin.
“I love you too.”
“Has it been a good birthday?”
“An amazing one. The best.” I say that with the most sincerity I am drunkenly capable of. It has been. Today’s been perfect.
Peter’s eyes soften, and his smile looks sleepy.
“I’m glad.” He whispers. “Nadia and I both wanted you to have a good day.”
“Thank you,” I lean forward, and press a quick kiss. I stay close enough that we’re breathing into each other. Looking into his eyes; I’m safe. This room feel so safe and whole and good. I know tomorrow I’ll regret everything. But right now, I can’t even see anything beside Peter’s beautiful green eyes and pretty freckles.
Then, I get a dumb idea. It’s sentimental and borne from the amount of love I have for Peter.
I wanna ask him to marry me.
Every part of me hopes he’d say yes. I want to be with him for the rest of our lives. We can’t even get married here. But... i’d go to fucking Norway or wherever to marry him.
“Peter...” I’m not sure where this sentence is trying to lead me, but I am not going to propose to him here. “I...”
“You okay?” He quirks his brow up. His eyes are so soft.
“Yeah. Never mind. I just love you.”
“Oh,” He smiles, and it beams. “I love you too.”

Chapter Text

I wake up pretty late in the day, to Jason throwing up. It kinda sets the tone for how the rest of the days gonna go.
I push myself forward, over toward the bathroom, and then stand at the door for a moment. When It’s quiet, I knock carefully. “Jase, you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah.” His voice is tight, and quiet. I glance around the room; theres a coffee machine with cups next to it. I grab one, and then crack the door open.
Jason’s sitting on the floor, against the door to the shower. He looks like a wreck; his hair tousled weird and the bags under his eyes deep and dark. I fill the cup up, and hand it to him, before sitting next to him.
I take his hand, and Jason rests his head on my shoulder. He’s just wearing sweatpants, and I’ve got my briefs and my sweater on.
“You should really drink water.” I sigh. He nods, and takes a sip.
We sit silently for a moment. Its 2 in the afternoon, now. I’m sure my mom’s a little worried.
“You gonna be okay?” I whisper, running my thumb up the back of his hand. He nods, carefully. Probably not to shake up his head too much.
“Yeah, just fucked up.” He chuckles a little, and then looks sick again. “We went really hard yesterday.”
“Yeah you had way too much.” I chuckle, leaning into him. “Also… Lucas was right about you.”
“Huh?” He glances up at me.
“You’re really clingy when you’re high.” I laugh. He pushes me, but just a little. He keeps closing his eyes, I think the light hurts his headache. “You are! You were literally all over me last night.”
“Evidence.” He says.
“Uh… Were you seriously too high to remember?”
“Yes,” He groans. “I remember… like stuff starting around when Nadia and I were talking about our family.”
“Okay well you like, were all over me.” I roll my eyes, and Jason just kinda accepts it. We sit quietly for a moment. Next door I hear a couple people walking around, so it seems like our parties officially over. I’m kinda glad, because a headaches growing in me too.
“I’m gonna go call my mom? Do you need anything?” I ask, leaning into Jason.
“No, I’m just gonna lay back down.”
I kiss his cheek really quick, and push myself up. “Well, it is 2 in the afternoon, so maybe eat something soon?”
“Kay,” He sighs.
I call my mom and she’s not as worried as I thought she’d be. She asks me to be home for dinner. We talk for maybe about ten minutes, and Jason flops down on the bed next to me a few minutes into the call.
Once I hang up, it’s just a matter of getting awake enough to hang out with Nadia. But, our plans of slowly sobering up are thrown away when someone knocks on Nadia’s door, very loudly.
“Nadia Jane McConnell!” I recognise his voice right away, and Jason’s entire body freezes up. “Nadia open this fucking door right now!”
The door audibly swings open, and Jason’s dad storms into the other side of our joint hotel rooms.
“So this is where you’ve been all night? Nadia are you out of your mind?!” He’s yelling, yelling. Like, the anger races through the air through the door and into Jason.
Jason’s laying on the bed, legs dangling off, and completely frozen. He looks terrified.
“Nadia what were you-”
“Shut up!” Nadia screams back. Neither Jason or I move, or breathe even, at all. “I have a headache shut up.”
I hear storming around on the other side. “What is this?!” Then I hear a bottle break on something.
“Dad it was just a party I-“
“Nadia do you have any clue what you’ve put your mom and I through? Your brother pulled that stunt at graduation and then you run off and disappear- and are drinking?”
Jason sits up, and his face is bright red.
“Do you understand how people talk? Nadia? My integrity is on the line cause of Jason and you need to go and pull things like this?! Do you have any-“
Jason stands up and turns to the door. My heart races. “Jason,”
“Shh,” he says, leaning toward the door. I know he can hear. His dad is fucking screaming. I swear to god, if he opens that door.
“Oh my god! I get it! Fuck off!” Nadia screams, and slams something down onto bed sheets. Jason grabs the door handle, and my heart stops.
“Nadia just-” His dad sighs. “Get your stuff together we’re going home.”
“I have my car.”
“Nadia you’re coming home!”
And that's when Jason turns the door handle, and opens it.
“Jason what- Jesus Christ,” His dad sounds exasperated, and by the tension in Jason’s shoulders, he is pissed.
“She can drive herself home.” Jason says, coldly. I move around so I’m on the other side of the bed, and pray their dad doesn’t see me as well.
“Jason this has nothing to do with you.” He says. “Nadia, we can get your car later.”
“Dad get the fuck out.” Jason says, clenching his fists. My heart starts to pound.
“Jason don’t make a scene,” He sighs, and I can almost hear him rolling his eyes. “You’ve already made enough of one.” He murmurs.
“Huh?” Jason says, though I’m sure he heard it. “What.”
“Jason do you have any idea how you’re making our family look, after that stunt you pulled at graduation-?”
“Do you have any idea how it looks to kick out your son right after he tries to kill himself?!”
“Jason you made the choice to leave-” His dad’s voice edges on shouting, but he seems to be trying to keep his cool.
“NO I didn’t!” Jason screams, and his voice breaks toward the end. “You told me I had to leave! While I was in the hospital you told me I had to leave!”
His dad doesn’t say anything, cause he knows Jason’s right, and he storms around.
“God, what did I do wrong?” He murmurs, and it sounds like he’s turned away from them. “Why couldn’t they just be good kids-”
“I was the perfect fucking kid until like 2 months ago, dad!” Jason screams, and he storms toward his father. “I did fucking everything! Baseball, golf, basketball, fucking 4.0, I was the valedictorian even! What else was I supposed to do!?”
“Jason the choices you’re making-“
“Do you really think I’d choose to be gay? Dad?”
I get up, quickly, and stand at the door, praying Jason doesn’t do something stupid.
“Jason,” Nadia pleads.
“Because I wouldn’t be kicked out if I could just NOT be. You really think I’m stupid enough to do that?”
“Jason you weren’t like this when you were little.” He says, and Jason throws his hands down.
“You’re a fucking judge what kinda logic does that shit make!” He gets into his dads face. “Dad did you ever stop to think maybe i tried to kill myself ‘cause of you? Not cause I’m gay and not all the other shit but that I was so fucking scared this was gonna happen I’d literally rather be dead than deal with this?!”
He’s quiet for a second.
“Jason I’m sorry you feel that way but this is unacc-”
And then Jason punches his dad, square in the nose. I hear the cartilage break, and when they pull away from each other his father already has blood running down his face. Everyone, including Jason, looks shocked he did that.
And then he does it again.
For a moment Nadia and I are just frozen in shock. Jason is just absolutely wailing on his father, and his dad is having trouble fighting back. Jason bigger than him now, and angrier.
“Jason!” Nadia yells, standing up, He doesn’t even acknowledge her.
“Jason!” I rush into the room, but stop kinda near Nadia. My hearts beating so fast, and I can feel my eyes start to boil with tears. “Jason stop!”
I reach for his waist and just hold onto him, and I’m able to draw him back.
The room is tight, and Jason’s dad looks at him with eyes I can’t even place. He almost looks scared of Jason, but also angry, but also that's his son; who up until two months ago he thought was the golden boy of our generation.
His dad stands up straight, and glares at Jason.
“You’ll be lucky if I don’t call the police, Jason.”
“I’ll tell them you kicked out a minor. And everything else.” His voice is tight, and I’ve still got my arms wrapped around his middle.
“Nadia come on,” He turns around and she doesn’t move. Their dad goes for the door, and Jason glances at her. “Nadia come on!” He shouts.
“Take care of him,” Nadia mouths at me, before cautiously following her dad out the door. Jason looks upset she goes, but I don’t blame her. Whatever just happened was absolutely crazy.
Jason pulls away from me, and wipes his eyes on the back of his hand.
I know their dad has never been good to Jason. I remember in junior year, after winter break, Jason came back to school with a weird bruise on his jaw, and it was one of the only times he’d been real with me about something back then. That his dad would hit him, but he assured me it wasn’t like an abusive thing. That it was in the ‘man up’ way; that’d he’d never hit his daughter but because Jason needed to be treated like a man, when Jason screwed up his dad made sure he felt it. I never liked the way he talked about it. But I… understand if he doesn’t wanna vilify his dad like that, even now. I don’t like it though.
I don’t know what to say right now. Jason’s standing just a foot ahead of me, and his knuckles have his dad’s blood on them. I don’t know what to do.
“Jason,” I whisper. “We should go home.”
His shoulders slump over him, and he sighs. “Yeah.”