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It’s a night full of stars and tenderness when Pepper tells him that she is finally pregnant.
It hadn’t been easy with her being already well into her thirties. A long chain of failed attempts and endless doctor appointments lay behind them, but Pepper, an optimist at heart with the patience of a saint, never lost hope.
They have dinner on the rooftop in order to celebrate, SI appointments and Tony’s lab all but forgotten. They dance and laugh and make out a little, the air heavy with anticipation. Everything is perfect for once.
Right until it’s not.
He’s holding her from behind, taking in her face over her shoulder, absorbing the dimple on her cheek, the smile hanging on her lips. His fingers trail somewhere between the hem of her skirt and her bellybutton, light and teasing. He can feel it already, feel where her abdomen is just the slightest bit swollen.
There’s a life under her skin, just below my hands, he realises. His heartbeat speeds up at the thought of it, the thought that it’s his, it’s ours, our responsibility, and if I fail again -
His heart beats faster and faster and then it’s all he can hear, the noise of it ringing in his ears and cancelling out everything else. A heavy weight settles on his chest, choking him, and suddenly there’s not enough oxygen left in the world.
“I need to - I gotta- ” He loosens his embrace on her and stumbles away. Don’t touch her. Don’t hurt them. “I’m sorry, Pep,” he rasps.
He’s out of the door before she can call him back.
*
Bruce has witnessed a number of unexpected incidents in the Avengers compound’s common kitchen, but he never imagined that he’d one day walk in on Pepper Potts violently throwing up into the sink.
“Are- Are you okay?” he asks, a little too perplexed for any more profound question.
“Oh, Bruce,” Pepper pants. “Yes, yes, I’m fine, just - give me a sec, okay?” She swallows hard, then loses the fight against another retch.
“What’s going on?” He carefully pats her on the expensive-looking blazer she’s wearing, then checks the back of her neck for a fever while she heaves again.
“Don’t know, just…ate something bad, I guess,” she replies when she is finished with the current round, avoiding his gaze and thus confirming his suspicion.
“Mm-hm.” He watches her rinse her mouth and then motions for her to sit down at the large kitchen table while he starts the water in the sink, cleaning the mess and getting rid of the smell.
“What's the time?” Pepper asks hoarsely.
“Almost seven.”
“God, I need to go.” She closes her eyes for a moment, breathing deep through the nausea. She is still more than pale under her make-up. Her face looks tired and the dark circles under her eyes that Bruce knows all too well from the months behind them speak of yet another sleepless night.
“You should get some rest, Pepper,” he assesses. “Go back to bed, reschedule whatever meeting you were heading to.”
“Can't. Today’s the bidding for the harbour reconstruction. The shareholders made it clear that…” she cuts herself off upon seeing the lost look on his face. “Anyways, it’s important.”
“I see.” Bruce gives a sympathetic wince when she stifles another gag into her fist.
“Oh god, I’m such a mess,” she whispers.
“Okay. Breathe, Pepper.” It’s still been a while since she’s been that upset, but Bruce has seen her in much, much worse states and he knows that this is only a temporary crisis. “You got five minutes? I'll make you some ginger-lemon water. That should help with the nausea.”
“Yeah,” she exhales. “Yeah, okay. Thank you, Bruce.”
“Hey. We’re past this, right?”
He doesn’t have to say what he is thinking about, knows that it’s still all too present in her mind. The weeks of waiting after the catastrophe, every day tainted with the news of more and more dead friends, colleagues, long-forgotten family members. All the nights spent waiting for a sign from the skies, willing for something, anything to let them know that there was still hope, that Tony might still be out there somewhere.
She’d refused to give up, even for a second. He’s been gone before, she’d said, he’s always come back. He’s a survivor, Bruce. And although she’d been just as broken as him, more than once it had been her who’d held him when the world threatened to break down over his head. That had been the time when he’d learned the true value of the woman who, against all odds, chose Tony above all others. It’s the worst way they could have gotten close to each other, but Bruce is glad that they did.
“You’re right,” she chuckles sadly. Then, almost inaudibly, she adds: “I’m pregnant, Bruce.”
He sets the cup of ginger water in front of her before sitting down on the opposite side of the table.
“I know,” he admits calmly, a bit of relief in his voice.
“H-How?” she asks in surprise, looking up at him.
“I’m a doctor, Pepper. And I’m not stupid. I’m glad you told me, though, I don’t know how long I could’ve played along.” He hesitates for a second. “It’s good news. Something happy, after everything.”
“God, Bruce, please don't tell anyone yet.”
“Hey. I would never.” Following an instinct, he lays his hand on hers that’s clutching the beverage. “Does Tony know?”
“I told him last night. He’s...I don’t know. I mean, we decided this together, but I guess he needs some time to get used to it.” She takes a sip of the water, closes her eyes for a moment. “This actually helps a lot.”
“I often drink it after the transformations,” Bruce remarks.
They sit silently for a minute before Pepper speaks again.
“Tony...He’s different since…” She leaves the end open, but of course he knows what she is talking about.
There’s no term for it, really. How can there be a word for the end of the world? They call it the snap in the media and while joking around, but it sounds inappropriate, almost small compared to the impact it had. Half a universe extinguished. Everyone brought back in the end, thanks and a toast to the Avengers. But their victory came at a cost, and Bruce would dare to say that there’s nobody in the world who was left untouched.
“Aren’t we all?”
Pepper empties the cup and then stands up slowly. A bit of colour has returned to her cheeks. “Okay, I really need to get going.”
Bruce takes the cup and puts it in the dishwasher. “Where’s Tony now?”
“Downstairs, I think. He wasn’t there when I woke up. Could you check that he eats something?”
“Sure,” Bruce says with a nod. “Pepper?”
She turns in the doorway. He steps forward and gives her a brief, careful hug. “Stop worrying so much. It’s gonna be alright.”
*
When Bruce enters the lab with a plate of sandwiches, Tony is sitting reclined in an office chair, one arm covering his eyes, facing away from the door.
Bruce sighs. Talking about changes. In the couple of years that he’s been living under the same roof with him, Tony has always been working on something. Or rather, on multiple somethings simultaneously, on top of scolding dummy, exercising, and flirting with Pepper.
“What -?” Tony flinches when Bruce touches his shoulder lightly, then catches himself. “Oh, hey. Didn't expect you here.” He blinks hard against the lights.
“Thought I'd get you some food.”
“Oh, that’s great.”
It’s a plain lie. Tony eyes at the sandwiches with a mixture of disgust and barely concealed nausea, his pallor turning ashen.
“Or maybe later.” Bruce hurries to set the plate aside, definitely having seen enough vomit for the day. “Friday, lights at fifteen per cent,” he orders. Tony makes a small sound of relief when the room goes dark.
“How bad is that migraine?” Bruce asks doubtfully.
“Oh, that? It's nothing. Just a headache, really.” Tony makes to get up, but Bruce gently pushes him back down.
“You should rest.”
“Nah, not working. Peter's coming over later to fix his suit and Pepper will kill me if I don't get the proposal for that rebuilding thingy done today…”
Bruce feels like he's caught on repeat, not sure whether he should be amused or desperate. For all their differences, Pepper and Tony can be remarkably alike when it comes to being the epitome of workaholism.
“Fine,” he sighs. “Stay put, I'll get you something for that headache…”
Bruce returns with a couple of painkillers that Tony swallows dry.
“Okay, spit it out already,” the engineer sighs when Bruce hovers awkwardly behind his chair.
“Spit out what?”
“You’re an awful liar. Pepper told you, didn't she?”
“Yeah, well... kind of. I walked in on her puking into the sink.”
“Oh shit.” Tony slumps a bit, guilt written clearly over his face. “Is she okay?”
Bruce shrugs. “I think so. She left for her meeting.” He hesitates. “Uhm, congratulations are in order, I guess.”
“Yeah. Thanks. Okay.” Tony takes a couple of deep breaths, his hand balling into a fist.
“What’s going on?” Bruce asks with a hum.
“Nothing,” Tony deflects.
“It’s obviously something.”
“I can’t - not right now, okay?” Tony swallows, visibly fighting for control.
“It’s okay, Tony. We don’t have to talk about this immediately. I understand.”
“I know.” Tony offers a weak smile. “Everyone’s so goddamn kind and understanding and I-”
He doesn’t say I don’t deserve it, but Bruce can finish the sentence himself.
“I’ll be there, if you want to talk,” he offers.
“I just…I'll take a shower,” Tony responds. He gets up slowly and staggers only a little when he brushes past Bruce. “Thanks for checking in.”
*
“Okay, Mr. Stark, what’s going on?” Peter asks, a hint of exasperation in his voice, when Tony drops the soldering iron for the third time in a row and barely avoids setting his own sleeve on fire. “And don’t say you’re fine, because I know that you’re not.”
Peter takes the tool out of his mentor’s hand and sets it back into the bracket. It’s something he would’ve never dared to do before the snap, but things have changed since he's come back. May tells him that he acts more grown-up, more sincere, but also more serious. Like there's a big grey cloud hovering over you, she'd observed one time, and Peter had shrugged. Maybe that’s just what being dead for a year does to you.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tony says flatly. “You should get going, kid. It's about time for your beauty sleep.”
Peter frowns. “What, before we finish the upgrades?” Tony had called Peter for a complete overhaul of the Spider-Man suit's hardware, and they'd barely finished half of it by now.
“I can do that alone. You’re here to learn, not because I need your help.”
Denial. Sarcasm. Insult. There they are, all of Tony’s defence mechanisms laid out clearly in front of him. Any time before Peter would have obeyed and left with a dent in his self-confidence and a heavy feeling of concern in the pit of his stomach, too afraid to oppose his mentor. But not anymore.
“Mr. Stark. Please.”
“I just -” Tony draws a breath before replying in a whisper. “Pepper’s pregnant.”
He lets out the air slowly through gritted teeth, seeming to shrink a little as he does so.
“That’s-” Peter feels warmth spreading through his chest. “Mr. Stark, that’s great news. I’m so happy for you, for both of you.”
Tony doesn't smile, doesn't do anything, really, and Peter’s cheerful words, despite their genuineness, suddenly have a hollow sound to them.
“Yeah,” Tony finally replies, not quite looking up at Peter. “I guess so.” His left hand is trembling hard. He quickly covers it with his right.
“You, um, you wanted that, right? I thought you’ve been trying for a while…” Peter trails off when a hint of panic crosses Tony’s face.
“Course I wanted that,” Tony retorts defensively.
“I just - I’m happy for you. You really deserve it, after all that happened, you know-”
He understands that the choice of words was wrong the moment he hears Tony’s breath and heartbeat picking up speed.
“Out,” Tony orders, and Peter isn’t sure whether that’s meant for him or for the engineer himself, but he decides to ignore it either way.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“I can’t - Leave me -” Tony pants, his chest heaving. “Oh, fuck.”
He makes to stand and probably escape, but his knees buckle as soon as he puts his weight on them. Tony slides down at the side of the workbench before Peter can round the table and crouch next to him.
“It’s okay, Mr. Stark. You’re okay,” Peter tries to reassure him while biting down the panic welling up in his own chest. “You’re having an anxiety attack.”
“I know - doesn’t help - to tell me-” His mentor is clutching a trembling fist to his chest while gasping for breath, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. “Fuck, not now.”
“It’s okay,” Peter murmurs, biting his lip. It’s not the first time either of them has had a breakdown in front of the other, but he’s never seen Tony cry before. He lays a hand on the older man's shoulder, careful not to get too close. “Breathe, just breathe. Count backwards from ten with me, okay?”
It takes nearly three rounds of counting, but finally the attack ebbs away. When he can breathe a little better again, Tony pulls his knees to his chest in an unusually vulnerable gesture. He lays his greying head on them for a bit until the trembling dies down before finally glancing up at Peter.
“That sucked.” Tony looks pale and utterly drained, and there is still moisture around his eyes. “Gosh, I didn’t want you to see that.”
“It’s okay, really. Uhm...Should I get you some water?” Peter asks, unsure of what to do now.
“Nah,” Tony replies, drawing in a slightly shaky breath, “Don't think my stomach’s up for it.”
Peter feels his own clench in sympathy. “Sorry that I triggered you,” he says in a quiet voice.
“Wasn’t your fault, kid.” Tony gets to his feet a bit unsteadily, supporting himself on the workbench. “Today was a panic attack waiting to happen. Was just a matter of time till I'd spazz out.” Dum-E, whirring worriedly, wheels an office chair towards him and Tony lets himself fall into it gratefully.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Peter asks hesitantly, standing up and leaning against the edge of the table..
“Absolutely not,” Tony huffs. He picks up a wrench and fiddles with it in his hands. “But I guess I owe you an explanation. And I don’t want you to get any wrong ideas about me and the…the baby.”
Peter silently waits for Tony to compose himself. He can count the number of times his mentor has opened up to him on one hand, so he is hyper-aware of the fragility of this moment. He knows that one wrong word could cause the other man to draw his walls back up immediately.
“I don’t think I’m ready,” Tony finally admits. “I don’t think I can do this.” He throws up his hands. “Honestly, I had a fucked-up childhood, and I have no idea how to do it better than my dad. I destroyed so many lives along my way, Peter, and I really don’t want to destroy another one.”
Peter waits for more to come, but Tony goes silent, gazing into the distance as if he is looking at ghosts from another time.
“I…I think you’re wrong,” Peter responds carefully. “I think you’ll be a great dad.” He slowly steps in front of Tony, staring into his eyes. “Look around you. Look at the lab, at all the time we spend here. Did your father ever do anything like that with you?”
Tony shakes his head. There’s so much fear on his face that moment, so many painful memories, and once again Peter wishes that he could just erase Titan from both of their minds. Because of course that’s what it ultimately comes down to. It’s not like they ever talk about it, Tony being Tony, but Peter knows that his mentor has never forgiven himself for what happened out there, knows that the year in which he has tried time and time again to bring back the ones he’d lost has left deep marks in his heart and soul.
“I never really had a father,” Peter says carefully. “Uncle Ben…we were close, I guess, but it wasn’t the same.”
Peter hesitates for a moment, but the time seems right. When the snap happened, during that brief moment when he knew for sure that he was going to die, there was so much he regretted not having said. He doesn’t want to feel like that ever again in his life. “But if I could choose one, I would happily pick you.”
Tony looks at him, his eyes large and dark and a little warm now.
“I…” He swallows, once, again. “Glad you’re back, kid.”
*
It's a night full of thunder and rain when Morgan is born. There’s pain and fear and more than once Tony has to count himself back to reality, swallowing down guilt and ignoring the voices in his head that mock him for panicking when Pepper is the one doing all the hard work.
It’s not easy for any of them. But Bruce is just outside in the waiting room, making coffee for Tony when his jittering hands won’t obey anymore. Rhodey is texting him for updates every couple of minutes, messages that make Tony feel a tiny bit better even when he doesn’t reply to them. And Peter swings by just before dawn, minutes before Morgan comes into the world. He stands there next to Bruce, his grin spreading from ear to ear over his red face while they wait to greet the newest member of the family.
Inside, Tony kisses Pepper, wipes away the sweat and tears from her face, kisses her again. Then he takes a deep breath and looks at the child in her arms, branding every detail of that moment into his memory.
My greatest creation… His father is still in his head, will always be there. The path behind him is bloody and there is nothing he can do to change that.
But the road ahead is yet untouched. Pepper smiles exhaustedly at him when the baby makes a small sound between a croak and a cry, then blinks up at Tony. His heart fills with a kind of warmth that he’s never felt before. Ever so carefully, Tony takes Morgan into his arms. Nothing is impossible anymore.