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“Levi, baby. Don't get mad. I can explain!”
Levi stared at the guilty face of his boyfriend. Those were definitely not the words Levi wanted to hear after coming home from an exhausting day at work.
“Oi, Erwin! What the fu...”
Then he heard it, a rustling noise coming from their living room, accompanied by…squeaking?
He dashed around his partner and pushed in the living room. At a first glance, everything seemed the same, but upon a closer look and more squeaking, he saw it.
A white wire cage was tucked in the corner of their living room featuring a bunch of wooden structures within. Hay had already been scattered the cage and on the floor. Two pairs of black eyes staring at him from the depths.
“OI! Erwin!” he snarled, whirling around to face the blonde. “What are a bunch of fucking rats doing in our living room?”
“They aren’t rats,” Erwin corrected him. “They’re guinea pigs...”
“And what are fucking pigs doing…”
“Well, they technically aren’t pigs, you know. They are a rodent sub-species of...”
“Erwin!” Levi shouted, interrupting. His boyfriend’s hands fidgeted nervously, but then he seemed to get a grip of himself.
“Levi, please. They are only here for a few days. Nanaba brought them over. Someone came to her vet clinic and wanted to put them down-” Levi opened his mouth to interrupt him, but Erwin raised his hand to stop him “-they are perfectly healthy, don't worry. And that was the problem you see. The original owner just wanted to put them down for being an inconvenience.”
“Erwin, you know there are pet shelters for that!”
“Yes, Lee. I know, and so does Nanaba, but the local shelter is apparently over the top stuffed with pets and couldn't take them in. Nana refused to put them down, but the owner said he would just throw them in the next river to drown if she didn't do it. She agreed to take them off his hand before telling the guy to fuck off before she called the cops on him. But she can’t keep them in the clinic and they can’t go home with her because of the dogs. So, she asked me-”
“We are not keeping them Erwin! Every rescue has a sob story, but these rodents will not ruin my living room with their crap.”
“We’re not keeping them,” soothed Erwin. “We are just holding onto them for a few days. They’re already listed online as needing a home, and as soon as one is found, they are gone.”
Levi stared at him hardly, arms crossed. Erwin answered with his best puppy dog eyes.
“Fine,” the shorter man hissed. “But no longer than a week!”
“Lee you know it can take some time,” Levi interrupted him with a sharp raise of his hand again.
“Fine then. Two weeks, but no more. And no more negotiating. You will vacuum the living room twice a day, every day. If I find one piece of their crap lying around the house, they are out. Understood?”
“Understood.” Erwin rumbled back as soothingly as he could. He stepped closer to Levi and drew him into his arms. Levi let his own arms drop to his sides as he was pulled to the bigger man’s chest.
“You will barely notice that they are here,” the blonde promised.
Levi was in the midst of putting together his lunch bag when he noticed that his saved piece of cucumber was missing. He rummaged around their fridge. Even though it was perfectly ordered and labeled, his veggies couldn't be found. Maybe Erwin had taken them as a snack? No, Erwin would never eats veggies of his own free will, unless it was accompanied by a steak.
He stepped into the living room, already assuming the worst. Looking over to the couch, he saw the perpetrators all lined up.
His boyfriend was on his back with a bag of chips. On his chest sat two small creatures. One of them chubby white-brown creamed and the other pure black. Erwin was in the midst of munching down on a chip and the little vermin were both happily munching on big pieces of cucumber.
“Oi!” he shouted to announce his presence and all three couch inhabitants startled, looked up. Erwin’s hand froze still holding a chip. The cream colored guinea pig just froze comically similar to the blonde, mid chew and cucumber still stuck in his mouth. The black one just let everything drop. Startled, it escape higher up Erwin's chest until he reached the giant’s face; he fluffed his fur and chattered his teeth loudly.
As Erwin recovered from his shock, he set the chip aside to pet the black’s back. “Yes, Lee darling?” he asked innocently.
“The fucking goblins are eating my lunch veggies!” he pointed at the cream colored monster that was still frozen in time with said veggie stuck in its little maw.
“Oh Lee! I'm sorry. I didn't know you planned to take the cucumber tomorrow. I didn't have anything else to feed the piggies. I'm really sorry. I need to go out tomorrow anyway for some other things. I’ll buy you some more.” Erwin promised while petting the black animal soothingly.
“Tsk. Fine. Nothing I can do anything about it now anyway huh?” he grumbled, turning his head back to the kitchen to find some replacements. He stopped when he noticed the black rat was still loudly chattering his teeth, looking at Levi.
“Why is it doing that?” he asked eyeing the creature.
“It's just startled, Lee. It’ll calm down in a moment,” the blonde replied.
Levi continued eyeing the trio. “Tsk. Don't forget to clean their shitty fur off your clothes when you put them back. And vacuum the couch! If I find—”
“Yes. I know darling.”
“Tsk.”
Farlan was hysterical. Levi told his co-workers about the invasion of his living room and instead of support, all he got was laughter.
“What are you laughing at, jackass?” he snarled.
“Nothing, Levi. I just can't believe you are finally being domesticated! True, you aren’t having the two-point-five kids any time soon, but two guinea pigs is a start, I guess.”
“Shut the fuck up, you fucker.” Levi smacked him with his oil cloth. “We only have them for a few days.”
“Uh-huh. You tell that to yourself, man!” Levi was in the middle of slapping the man again when Isabel chimed in.
“I find it kind of cute actually.” Both men started at her in shock. “What? I'm a girl, I'm allowed to find things cute!”
Farlan snorted, “Yes, because you are just such a normal girl!”
Isabel threw him a seething glare, “Levi, smack him again for me please!”
Levi didn't have to be told twice. He wacked the rag over his co-worker’s head once more. Farlan rubbed the abused spot, sulking. She turned satisfied to Levi again.
“I did have guinea pigs when I was little. They’re actually very chill pets. They usually don't destroy things, they don't try to escape, they squeak when they need something, and otherwise are content in their cage.” She sat herself in the saddle of the motorcycle Levi currently was working on. “And actually, Erwin is alone all day. It must get lonely sometimes. I know most of pets are out of question because of Erwin's condition and, you know, your absolute distaste for anything that could make a mess. So maybe—”
“Do you want them?” Levi interrupted.
“What?! No! Levi. Were you even listening?”
“Yes I was. But it seems you weren't. We are not keeping them. Now get off that bike before I throw you off.”
“Fine,” She hopped off, raising her hands and backing away before returning to her own project.
“Hey,” Levi unexpectedly continued. “You said you did own guinea pigs? What does it mean if they chattering their teeth at you.”
“Oh that's a threat display. They usually do that to say ‘fuck off.’”
“Erwin do I really need to do this?” Levi asked, rubbing his forehead in irritation as he watched his boyfriend kneeling in front of the cage of the tiny invaders.
“I will only be away for a night, two at most if the meeting doesn't go as planned,” Erwin calmly responded from his place on the floor. “You just have to give them some hay in the morning, veggies in the evening and replace their water. Nothing complicated. You don't even need to touch them.”
“But why do I have to do this?” Levi viciously pointed between Erwin and the cage accusingly.
His boyfriend smiled up at him. “They have to get used to people feeding them if we want to give them a new home quickly. Hand-tamed piggies have much better chances of being adopted. Look, all you have to do is this.”
The blonde snatched a piece of bell pepper from the plate beside him on the ground and then reached into the cage and his hand froze. After a few seconds the twitching noes of the cream colored creature appeared and neared Erwin's hand. After some curious sniffing, the animal snatched the bell pepper from his boyfriend’s hand and began munching on it cheerfully. Erwin repeated the procedure and the black one appeared as well, it swiftly snatched the piece away only to vanish with the food to its hiding place.
“You see? Just takes a minute. They have to learn to trust humans. You don't need to do it with every piece, just the first one,” the blonde smiled while he watched the critters munch away at their treats.
Levi let out a deep sigh. “Okay, if we can get rid of the little pests faster this way, I'll do it. But don't you dare stay away longer than two days, you hear me?”
Erwin rose from the ground to press the raven to his chest.
“I wouldn’t dare, Lee,” he whispered in his hair before giving him a kiss.
Levi deflated against the warmth and tried to suppress his worry
“Erwin, have you packed you meds?” Levi called outside to his boyfriend who was in the middle of stuffing a sports bag into the back of Mike’s car.
“Of course, Lee,” Erwin assured as he gave a final push to the bag before closing the tailgate, only to be distracted by a question from Nanaba. Levi grumbled but then a voice rumbled behind him.
“Well who thought you could be a perfect little mother hen?”
As Levi turned, Mike appeared from the living room with the snack bag Levi had packed for both of the travelling men.
“Tsk. I just don't want to get a call two hours from now saying you two ended up in the emergency room,” he hissed at the dirty blonde man. Despite his best efforts, Levi’s tone was laden with anxiety.
Mike sniffed and placed a hand on the shorter man’s shoulder “We will be fine, Levi. I know it's his first time being away from home without you since the accident, but we are prepared. I’ve handled Erwin during a seizure before and Krista trained me countless times for all the outcomes. He needs this Levi—a chance for some independence and freedom despite his disability.”
A heavy sigh escaped Levi. He knew all that, of course he did. His gaze once again settled on his boyfriend who was still chattering with Nanaba excitedly, but Levi still felt the dread pulsing through his whole body at the thought of Erwin being away. He snarled at the blonde beside him.
“I'm just worried that you two will make a run for it and leave me alone with a house infested with rats!”
“Of course,” the man rumbled unconvinced giving a quick pat to Levi’s shoulder. The two of them watched their respective partners erupt into laughter. God, Erwin was so beautiful. It was almost unfair.
“How did your wife even come up with the idea of calling Erwin when she needed to get rid of the vermin?” Levi asked the man beside him.
Mike turned to him surprised, “He never told you?”
“What was he supposed to tell me?”
“When he was a kid, Erwin got a guinea pig as birthday present from his dad before—”
The man didn’t finish the thought. Erwin rarely talked about his father’s death with anyone. All Levi knew is that it had happened when Erwin was still quite young and that it was still a touchy subject.
“Erwin even brought the thing with him when we moved to the university because his mom didn't want to take care of it. Of course, it was against campus regulations, but we all covered him. Dear old Heinrich, that animal was deaf and nearly blind at the end. He lasted forever though.”
“Heinrich?” Levi snorted. ”Seriously? Who calls their oversized hamster Heinrich?”
“Erwin apparently,” Mike shrugged. “When poor Heinrich died, we buried him in the frat house garden. I have never seen Erwin that devastated. He even skipped class for a few days.”
Mike stopped to watch Erwin who continued to joke with Nana. Levi followed his gaze in time to see his partner laugh and wiggle his overly large eyebrows at the woman.
Before Levi could dig-deeper into Erwin's past, the man beside him hopped down their front stairs.
“Hey, Win! Stop flirting with my wife! Time to go!”
After he watched Erwin and Mike drive off, he said his goodbyes to Nanaba, and then retreated back in their home. The house seemed awfully quiet without Erwin.
He let himself fall heavily onto the couch and for the first time, he fully understood how Erwin must feel when Levi takes off on one of his road trips.
Levi reminded himself that Erwin wasn't alone. Mike was very capable of taking care of him in an emergency.
Levi didn't want to spoil the trip for Erwin with his overprotectiveness. Mike was right, the man needed this taste of independence. They would have fun, he told himself.
Nanaba had informed him that Mike had packed several board games for in hope that he and Erwin would have some downtime. Business trip his ass, they would probably come to an agreement with the other company in the first ten minutes, then use the rest of the time to have fun at their companies expense. Levi knew how these things worked.
Having calmed himself to a reasonable level, his eyes were drawn to the cage in their living room corner. Quiet shuffling and some squeaking sounds where heard from it and a flash of black fur was seen bounding through the cage.
Levi contemplated his conversation with Mike, which prompted him to reach for the photo albums located on the shelf behind the sofa.
As he skipped through Erwin's university photos, he questioned how Erwin and Mike had survived considering the amount of mischief the pictures suggested. Some of the dread in his stomach disappeared at seeing a few of the man’s favorite memories displayed before him. Feeling the freedom of being alone, he allowed himself to chuckle and smile as he looked through the pictures.
He stopped abruptly at one page. There seemed to be some kind of costume event. The picture showed Erwin wearing a ridiculous lion costume and a sword in hand. Mike was behind him dressed as a fluffy bear holding a shield and a spear. But the bad choice of costumes isn’t what had caught Levi’s attention.
There, tucked in the crook of Erwin's arm, was a guinea pig.
Levi had always thought it was an old, scruffy-looking plush toy that belonged to the ridiculous costumes. But with the new information from Mike, he was able to notice the details. Bits of fur was missing and as it snuggled tightly in the crook of Erwin's arm, Levi saw little feet hanging over the fake fur of the costume. It really looked content and safe in the crook of Erwin’s arm, though it was staring at the camera rather dumbly.
“Well...Fuck...”
“Oi! Come on you motherfucker. Just take it,” Levi hissed through his teeth, sitting on the floor by the rodents’ cage. The fat, cream colored one was already happily munching away on his third apple slice, but the black little fucker hadn’t come to get his own yet.
“Come on, you little shit. I don't have all evening!” The creature was sitting in a corner, black fur fluffed with loudly and threateningly teeth chattering in Levi’s direction.
“Well, fuck you too! Now come here or I will stuff this up your little furry ass!”
After a few more seconds of both of them eyeing each other with a seething stare, the black animal finally inched slowly towards him, teeth still making and uncomfortable noise. It slowly reached it’s nose to Levi’s hand.
“Fucking finally.”
The creatures suddenly froze, looked him directly in his eyes, before biting down hard on his fucking finger.
“Shit!” Levi dropped the piece of fruit in the cage as he rose to his legs, startled. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a black flash of fur wooshing towards shelter with the dropped piece of fruit in tow. Levi could have sworn the creature’s motion had a certain triumphal hop to it.
“Motherfucker.”
“Ackerman-Smith. Levi speaking.”
“Um, hello. This is Schradinger,” a female voice answered. “I’m calling because of the guinea pigs you have listed on the guinea pig rescue website. I’d like to come over and take a look at them with my children if that’s okay. They would be perfect for my little angels and I promised them—”
As the excited women continued, Levi spared a glance to the cage in the living room. The fat creamed one was watching him intently, black eyes boring into Levi, with an expression of betrayal while simultaneously looking like a kicked puppy.
Levi made a sound to interrupt the lady what still rambling on about her perfect little angel children who were probably just some overly spoiled brats she wanted to keep quiet with this week’s new pet.
“Uh, the pigs already got adopted. Sorry.” he mumbled into the phone.
The rambling stopped and the women seemed surprised. “Oh, okay. Never mind then. But you should take them off the website if they are no longer available. Spares children the heartache from already falling in love with the pictures and then being let down-”
“Yeah, whatever. Bye” he snapped and hung up.
“Ackermann-Smith, Levi speaking.”
He would never work from home again without Erwin in the house. He hated being the only one available to answer the phone. He had a low threshold when it came to dealing with strangers and the previous call had already pushed him passed his limit. The only reason he picked it up was because there could have been an emergency involving Erwin.
“Hi there!” answered the overly cheerful voice. “This is Olivia from the guinea pigs rescue. I just got a call informing me that your two little piggies got adopted! Can I asked to whom and when?”
Levi was baffled. “Um, why?” he questioned through the speaker. Olivia laughed, though Levi was unsure at what she found humorous.
“Well, Mr. Ackermann-Smith, we are a non-profit organization. As such, we must keep data and expenses of our adoptions in the systems for the tax authority.”
Levi let out a sigh before answering. “Well, they weren’t really adopted. I - ...We decided to keep them.” His gaze once again settled on the cage in the corner.
“Oh, isn't that great! It's so hard not to fall in love with them once you have them at home isn't it?” she squealed excitedly.
Levi's gaze fell on the black little monster who was observing him from the corner. Its little jaw moved as it realized Levi was watching him, once again releasing the threatening teeth chattering sound.
“Yes,” he hissed through clenched teeth.
He could hear typing sounds trough the speaker.
“Yes, I know that feeling just so well.” There was more excited giggling. “So, could you tell me their names?”
“Why?” Levi asked again. “Does the tax authority need those too?” Olivia laughed loudly through the speaker. God, he hated her already.
“No, but we do need them for the adoption papers. So, what are your little piggies boys names?”
“Uhhh—”
“Levi, darling I'm back,” came the call from the front door.
Levi hurriedly dried his hands and rushed to the door. He slowed down before he turned the corner into Erwin's view, pretending a much slower gait had brought him here.
“About time, old man. Dinners is almost ready.”
Erwin just chuckled. Letting his bag drop to the floor, he drew Levi into an embrace. “I missed you so much,” the blonde whispered into Levi’s ear before drawing his head up for a deep kiss.
Levi broke free and he mumbled, “Yeah, whatever, you old sap.” Erwin only responded with a bright smile. Only Erwin could not be offended by his reply. As Erwin kicked off his shoes, he proceeded to carefully step into the living room, head slowly creeping around the corner to take a look at the cage. Erwin stopped in his tracks when he saw it.
“Oh. Levi. They are still here?” he asked the raven who stepped around him to go into the kitchen.
“Of course they are. Where do you think they would be?” Levi asked from the kitchen.
Erwin followed him but stopped to stand in the doorway. He watched as Levi rummaged around the kitchen counter. “Nanaba sent me a text saying that the guinea pigs got listed as adopted on the rescue site. We just assumed someone came by to adopt them.”
Levi stopped and sighed. “There was this lady who wanted them for her horrible kids and I didn't want to give them to her she seemed just so snotty and well…” he rambled on. Why was he rambling? He never rambled! “Eventually, I just said to her they are already adopted and then she got all snarky. So I hung up on that bitch. And then Olivia called asking about them and I didn't know what to tell her so I just said we were keeping them.”
Levi turned to his boyfriend who was wearing a ridiculously hopeful expression. “So,” Erwin asked carefully. “Are we keeping them?”
Levi drew a heavy breath. “Yes. We can keep them, but our agreement still stands. Vacuum the living room twice a day and if I find one single—”
“—one single hair on the couch, they are out,” his boyfriend completed. The big man spread his arms wide and Levi yielded into his embrace.
“Thank you, Lee,” the big man rumbled deep in his chest, holding him tight. After standing there silently for a few moments, Levi freed himself from his boyfriend’s arms.
“Yeah, whatever old man,” he mumbled before returning to his dinner preparations, his cheeks flushed, betraying his true emotions.
“So, what are their names?” the blonde pushed. Levi faked ignorance.
“Huh? They don’t have names yet. You can pick them.”
Erwin furrowed his brows. “The adoption agency usually asks for names for the adoption papers...”
Levi just shrugged but prevented his gaze from crossing his boyfriends. Oh, he was so guilty. Why was he such a bad liar?
Erwin knew him to well, and his face lit up mischievously. “Oh come on, Lee! You must have told her something! What are their names? Come on, you can tell me!”
“Fine,” Levi responded annoyed “The fat, cream colored one is Harold!”
“Harold?” Erwin asked, throwing a look over his shoulder to the cage.
“Yes, Harold. I seem to have a thing for creatures with old ass names.” Levi drew his brow up to look intently at Erwin.
The man chuckled, “Okay, that’s fine. He does kind of look like a Harold, so that's perfect. And the other one?”
Levi turned away from the blonde again and pretended to be busy as he mumbled something under his breath.
“Sorry, I didn't catch that, darling. What’s his name?”
“Kenny,” the raven replied before furiously cutting a few veggies on the counter.
“Kenny?” Erwin replied startled, “As in Uncle Kenny, Kenny?”
“Yes!” the small man exploded. “Yes! Because he is a little motherfucker. That little rat bit me with all his fur fluffing and teeth gnashing. And he just invaded my home without asking! When fucking Olivia asked what his name was, I didn't want to say his name is ‘bitching fucker,’ so I just said the best next thing that came to mind and that was Kenny! We don't have to call him that, you know.”
Erwin had erupted with loud laughter, bent over and hands pressed over his mouth in an attempt to contain the joyful outburst.
Levi shot him his famous death glare, knife clutched tightly in his hand.
His boyfriend did his best to calm down, wiping a few laughing tears from his eyes as he responded through chuckles, “It's totally fine, Levi. Fucking Kenny. It’s perfect.”
Levi only continued to glare.
The guineas had settled in nicely. Levi even yielded and allowed them floor time in the evening before Erwin vacuumed the living room.
Erwin was finishing up some work when his boyfriend’s voice came from the adjoining room.
“Oi! You two fuckers. Inside! Messing the living room up time is over.”
The sound of a little cage side door opening went through the walls and a few seconds later, a soft clicking of nails on the floor which was followed by the sound of little feet touching the ramp that lead into the cage.
“There you go, Harold. Good lad,” he heard Levi cooing. “You will get an extra piece of cucumber tonight. Now where is—”
Erwin heard more quiet shuffling from the adjoining room.
“Kenny! Where are you you little—Ah! There you are! Come on fucker. Time to go.” More shuffling, then an angry squeak and teeth chattering.
“Oh no, you don't. Kenny! If you are not here in a second—Oi!” More teeth chattering, then angry scrambling sounds.
“I swear to god Kenny—! NO! KEEEAAAANNYY!”