Work Text:
The screams would wake him up at night, cries of an inconsolable man who had too much to remember, too much he had once forgotten, only for all those memories to come back to haunt him in his dreams. He would cry until there were no tears left to shed, but not in his arms. Never in his arms.
In the flying casino, inside one of the few empty rooms, he sat next to an open casket with two pieces of a man that was never whole.
He finally seemed peaceful in his sleep.
It was almost a shame, but Fyodor would give anything for Nikolai to wake up one more time.
He wanted to see his eyes, to hear his voice and his laughter; to know the only human that made the world a place worth saving was alive.
But the plan needed him to die; Fyodor needed him to die.
If only abilities didn't exist.
He could share a bed with his beloved without worrying they might touch, kiss him every morning and every night, and physically stop him from doing something stupid. He could hold Nikolai's hand and kiss his tears away, he could thread his fingers through his hair, and keep him close until all the nightmares were nothing but a shadow of a bad memory.
He wished it could be that way.
Alas, things were never how he wanted them to be.
He hated himself for not being able to do more. He hated there was nothing else he could do other than whisper empty words at Nikola's side. Oh, how he longed to grab his face and make him look into his eyes so he could see how serious he was; how he meant every word and there was not a shred of doubt in him.
And when he didn't know what else to say, when his words couldn't reach him, he sang. He felt ridiculous singing, there was no meaning or sense in the act, but he was hopeless, and it worked.
The song was one he heard once. He couldn't remember the time or place, nor who sang it. It was the only song he knew.
The first time, he managed to make Nikolai laugh. It had been an unbelieving giggle, and when he realized it was real, he moved closer to listen. They laid face to face, looking into each other's eyes as Fyodor sang. Their fingers so close, if one moved at all, they'd touch.
Neither of them did.
Fyodor stood up and looked at Nikolai. He half-expected him to open his eyes and announce his greatest prank yet, but he remained unmoving.
It was okay, he wouldn't leave him like that for long. His sacrifice was necessary for them to be together.
For that, he needed the book. If only he had the book and not a single page to make all his and Nikolai's wishes come true.
He had to be patient. They were reaching the end, they were so near, he could almost feel his finger getting cut by the delicate paper.
He knew this. He knew all this.
Then, why did it still hurt?
His chest felt like it was going to burst open.
I want to hear you call me Dos-kun one more time.
He bit his nails until blood came out and the taste of iron filled his mouth.
I want to tell you I love you for the first time.
He couldn't sleep or eat. How could he when Nikolai was all alone in a cold room.
I want to sing to you again.
"Can I?"
There was no answer. Of course, there wasn't.
He took a deep breath.
Take a look right inside my heart
Stop the winter, make the cold depart
Winds are blowing but the warmth you bring
Makes me feel like it's early spring
He felt like there was something stuck in his throat.
Ask the clouds in the sky
To bring us dreams when they pass by
We will follow living night
To the world of magic light
Tears flowed down his cheeks. When did he start crying?
Dispel my anguish, we're the pieces of a whole
Make disquiet leave my trembling soul
His voice cracked, and he stopped. There was more, there was so much more he wanted to say but he couldn't. For the first time, not even his singing reached Nikolai.
But it'd be fine. Everything would go back to how it was supposed to be.
He wondered if Nikolai was feeling as lonely as he was. Maybe he was watching him, waiting for him to bring him back.
"Just this once, I can touch you." Fyodor's thumb brushed Nikolai's lower lip. He was freezing. He always thought he'd be warm, as warm as the sunlight. He retrieved his hand, afraid he'd cause him any more harm.
He passed his hand over his forehead and brushed his hair away. "Can I, Nikolai?"
He looked beautiful. Calm and fragile under the casino's white light. Nothing could harm him anymore, now the nightmares couldn't bother him, and the world couldn't go against him. Only death could give them that peace.
He'd rather live in this rotten world with Nikolai.
Nikolai's skin was cold against his lips, more so than it seemed to his fingers. "I need you by my side."
I swear I'll bring you back, wait a little longer.