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Magnus never really thought about it much before, but Alec looked at him differently. It hadn’t exactly escaped his attention, Magnus knew that Alec had a reputation for being notoriously grumpy and whenever Magnus stopped by the Institute, he saw how Alec treated everyone else. It was always with slight annoyance. He rarely smiled at all, and it was like a frown was permanently fixed to his face.
It was nothing like how he was with Magnus. Alec always greeted Magnus with warm, fond eyes. When Magnus was with Alec, he was almost always smiling, he was happy, content, comfortable. Sometimes it was hard to equate with the stoic, cold front Alec put up for the rest of the world but Magnus understood it and he knew how special it was that Alec treated him differently. Magnus never took it for granted either. He cherished every smile aimed at him, savored every laugh.
Magnus also knew what it was like to be an outsider, what it was like to not feel Alec’s soft, loving gaze. When they had first met, Alec still regarded him differently, he was always a little more gentle with him, a little less sharp, a little more patient but it still wasn’t the same as the ease that Alec felt with him now.
And when they were broken up, Alec still hadn’t been cold towards him, unlike Magnus who had thrown his walls up the second he could, Alec still regarded him with kindness. Alec wasn’t as open then but he never shut Magnus out. In fact, he never truly had and it was something Magnus didn’t completely understand.
He always thought that maybe it was that trust. That feeling they both had when they met each other, knowing that they could be comfortable with each other.
Whatever it was, Magnus was appreciative of it because his heart soared when Alec looked at him. It was something untouchable, something he could always rely on because no matter how Alec treated others, he never treated Magnus like that.
And it was something Magnus held on to, because honestly, Magnus had never known love like that. Magnus was used to loving, with all of his heart, but having only part of that love returned. He wasn’t used to someone loving him as wholly and as purely as Alec did. It was almost foreign to him, he couldn’t understand how he was enough.
He never was before, but somehow, in Alec’s eyes, he was. Magnus thought it was a fluke, at first. That, yes, Alec cared for him but it wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t endure anything but now, Alec had seen him at his lowest. Powerless and broken-hearted. Magicless and out of his usual vibrant energy. Somehow, someway, Alec still wanted him.
Alec didn’t let him go. He didn’t leave. He was there, and he was there to say. And words were just words but Alec backed it all up with action. It made it impossible to doubt him, his conviction was unshakeable.
At least it used to be.
It hurt, more than Magnus cared to admit, facing him now. Magnus knew heartbreak, had suffered through it over the centuries he had lived, but his heart had never shattered as painfully as it did now. Magnus almost collapsed under the weight of it. He could barely stand.
Because he was alone. And he had fallen too hard this time.
He wasn’t going to recover.
Because Alec was looking at him now, devoid of emotion like he was a stranger and not a welcome one either. No smile, no stuttering of words, no love or comfort or happiness. He was on the outside in a way he had never been. It was like his world stopped spinning.
Alec didn’t know him, and he didn’t care for him.
“Who are you?” Alec asked, and his voice was sharp and Magnus felt himself breaking. How was he supposed to keep going now? Alec had been the only thing keeping him together and somehow Alec didn’t recognize him anymore.
Magnus opened his mouth, hoping, praying, for recognition because Magnus couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t have Alec looking at him like that, it was completely foreign and Magnus knew it was selfish to want to be special but he always used to be. And it hurt now, more than anything else, looking into the blank nothingness that greeted him.
“Alexan-” Magnus began, voice breaking off when a surge of magic flooded through him and it filled his veins and flooded his senses. It was like a rough wave throwing him over the side of a ship and he was drowning in it but it felt like home too, because it was his own magic, he recognized it and it recognized him and it fit in all the empty spaces and somehow made him whole again even as his heart bled and bled and bled.
Everything was sharp and bright as his magic pulsed around him and he couldn’t get on a handle on it yet and he was overwhelmed and it crashed over him, and he just couldn’t breathe or feel. Everything was too bright.
Magnus felt the missing piece fall into place, but he couldn’t keep a grip on his consciousness. A missing piece fell into place but an even bigger piece had fallen away.
Magnus let himself drift. He didn’t even feel himself hit the ground.