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They missed the playoffs. Nico should be disappointed.
Well, he is, if you ask him. It’s what he says in the interviews, about how he fought through an upper body injury to be on the ice and push for the playoffs, but they just fell short. He felt bad for the guys; he really did.
But he was also relieved. More than anything.
With the season over, it meant he could leave Jersey behind for the next few months and go back home. Like, home home. Back to Switzerland.
It meant for a few months, he could leave the NHL behind, turn off notifications, and spend time with his family while putting all his time into training to be better for next season.
It also meant he wouldn’t have to see you-know-who’s face for months.
He’s been good, really, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Since that night in January, they haven’t spoken, and Nico has been the happiest he’s been in a long time. He hasn’t spared him a thought, unfollowed him on Instagram, and has been occupying himself by bouncing around from guy to guy every few weeks. So, besides the whole missing-the-playoffs thing, Nico was alright.
The night before his flight is scheduled to leave, Nico is in his apartment, packing the last of his bags to prepare for a long trip. Some things remain because, well, he doesn’t need all his suits for a summer in Switzerland. His carry-on and personal item are ready; his one suitcase he’s still trying to stuff with things he doesn’t need.
He’s taking a break now, opting to finish the last of the ice cream left in his barren refrigerator while watching the new Game of Thrones episode, when he hears a knock on the door. He takes his time getting up, assuming it’s Taylor or Miles stopping by before they too head home for the summer, so he doesn’t even bother checking the peep hole.
“Hey,” the spoon from his ice cream still in his mouth as he utters the greeting.
Said spoon falls out of his mouth and onto the floor when he sees one Nolan Patrick standing in front of him.
After almost four months without a hint of the Flyers forward in his life, here he was in the flesh, waltzing into his apartment building like he owned the place and standing at his doorstep because he thinks he can.
And even in sneakers, sweatpants and a hoodie, Nico feels his chest tighten at the sight.
“Hi,” Nolan says breathlessly, like all the air has been sucked him his lungs the moment he laid eyes on Nico.
Nico doesn’t say anything because what the fuck Nolan is standing at his door-step but his spoon has bounced into the hallway and neither of them are making a move to go get it. Nico would prefer if it just stayed out there forever, along with Nolan.
“Um,” Nico is the first to break the silence, unsure of how he’s able to speak when his throat feels like there’s a thousand hands squeezing his airway shut, “What are you, uh, doing here? I, uh, I’m kind of--” he dares to glance at him, lips pressed together, the door cracked open wide enough that Nolan can see the few bags he has put together.
Nolan doesn’t speak right away, nodding slowly at the sight of the bags and getting the hint and Nico wants to tell him to fuck off because, well, he didn’t owe Nolan a damn thing and he doesn’t care that he drove probably two hours to get here and he cannot imagine what in the hell could be so urgent that he had to show up unannounced the actual night before he’s going back home.
“So, you just came here to stand in my doorway and stare at me?” Nico raises an eyebrow, leaning against the doorframe, finally meeting his gaze in a wave of confidence and boy does he want to melt the minute he stares back into his eyes.
“Could I… could I maybe come in? I need to talk to you.” Nolan says quietly.
A bitter laugh escapes Nico’s throat before he can stop it. “What could you possibly need to talk to me about, we haven’t spoken in months,” he says matter-of-factly, crossing his arms over his chest.
Nolan just presses his lips into a thin, straight line, which annoys the hell out of Nico – more than the fact he’s missing the premiere - but he finds himself backing away from the door and into his apartment anyway. Nolan follows tentatively. He doesn’t take his shoes off at the door like he’s done countless times and Nico releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
“So, what is it?” Nico says flatly, disinterested, wanting to get Nolan out of here as soon as possible so he could finish packing, maybe cry a little, then go to sleep before his flight.
Nolan inhales like he’s going to start saying something, but stops again, stuttering before opting to bite his bottom lip instead. With a scoff, Nico rolls his eyes, picking his phone up from the counter to busy himself, “Look, Nolan, I don’t have time for this bullshit, so if you have nothing to say, I’d really appreciate it if you just got the hell—”
“I’m ready, Nico.”
Nico stops typing and stares back blankly at him; he swears he’s just blacked out. The only sound in the flat is the door shutting behind Nolan.
“I…I’m sorry, what was that?” he asks slowly, softly, wanting to confirm he wasn’t having some fever dream and that Nolan just said what he thinks he said.
You would think Nolan just saw someone kick his puppy with the way he’s standing there, hands behind his back and staring at the ground solemnly, and Nico doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look so humbled in his entire life.
“I’m ready, for you, Nico, for us, I’m ready.”
And Nico doesn’t mean to laugh, because the situation is far from hilarious, but:
“Are you fucking with me? Is this a joke? Am I… being punked?” he laughs out, using the phrase he’s only heard Americans use, figuring it fit this circumstance.
Nolan’s eyebrows shoot up, clearly flustered. “I—um, no?”
Nico doesn’t know what’s worse: the fact that Nolan is being serious, or the fact that Nolan is being serious.
An uncomfortable silence settles over them while Nico decides what the hell to say because this was the absolute last thing he was expecting to do tonight.
“Nolan?” Nico asks slowly, eyes trained on the floor again, the anger building in his chest threatening to expose itself.
“Mhm?”
“What did you think was going to happen when you came here? To say that to me?” he says carefully, trying to keep his temper at bay, but if he didn’t keep it under control, could anyone really blame him?.
Nolan swallows thickly, piecing together his thoughts, “I wasn’t expecting anything, Nico, and I know I don’t deserve to be doing this to you right here, right now, but I… had to come tell you when I knew. In person.”
Nico can’t speak. Nolan’s saying exactly what he’s been wanting to hear all this time, that he was ready to be with Nico, that he had figured himself out.
But maybe it was too late.
“I’m doing okay now, you know. Without you.” Nico says slowly, releasing a shaky sigh, “I put away everything I felt for you and I was—I am good, I’m good,” he shakes his head in disbelief, shrugging his shoulders to his ears because what else is he supposed to do, “And then you just come back here, like, like you deserve me after everything you put me through? After what you did to me?”
Nolan is shaking his head, reaching a hand out. “Nico, that’s not--”
“No, Nolan, that’s not fair. It’s not fair,” he’s crying now, swallowing hard to keep the sobs at bay, “You don’t get to just come back here and say you’re finally ready for me after… after all this time, not when I’m doing okay without you,” and he knows he’s repeating himself but he can’t think straight, not like this, not when the world he worked so hard to repair was crumbling beneath him all over again, “Not when I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I would never have you.”
And, well, Nolan doesn’t really have much to say to that, based on the way silence settles over them all over again, Nolan starting to sniffle, suppressing his own share of tears.
“And you know I’m right.” Nico says finally, huffing quietly.
Nolan licks his lips, inhaling deeply before speaking.
“I know, Nico, I know all of it is true. I know I treated you like shit, I know I ghosted you, I know I deflected this onto you when I’m the only one to blame for doing that to you,” he runs a hand through his hair and Nico thinks this is the first time he’s seen Nolan visibly distressed from this situation, “And I’m here because I’m fucking sorry,” tears well up in his eyes, “I’m sorry that I’m so goddamn thick and it took me more than a year to get over all the shit that’s happened to me before, to figure out that I at the end of the day I want it to be you.”
Nico is crying harder now as Nolan confesses everything that’s been rumbling through his brain, because he’s never felt so conflicted in his entire life. He never thought this was a possibility, that Nolan could show this much humility.
“I’m sorry for being a complete piece of shit to you when you were nothing but good to me, I’m sorry for hurting you so badly that it made you want to smoke, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that you’re the only one I want to be with, and I know I don’t deserve to have you even in the slightest but I would never forgive myself if I let us go home at the end of this season and I didn’t tell you in person how much… how much I fucking need you, Nico.”
Every single thing Nico was forced to bury was blooming inside of his chest like a dozen sunflowers pushing up through the ground, every wonderful and bitter memory he had of Nolan pushed to the forefront of his mind and God why did he have to love someone like Nolan unconditionally?
“I’m just—there’s nothing else I can do but be sorry, Nico, and I didn’t expect you to take me back or want to start over because I know I… God, I fucking broke you—”
“Yeah, you did, Nolan, you did,” Nico interjects coldly, wiping at his tears, finally meeting his former lover’s gaze, both stares watery and swollen, “But I’ve lived with that pain of being hurt by you way longer than the guilt you’ve felt, clearly.”
“I know, Nico, dammit,” Nolan is frustrated, vulnerable, out in the open and hurting for the first time and Nico would be reveling in it if it weren’t for the confession he had been waiting to hear for months, “And I’m an idiot for taking so long to apologize and admit all of it was my fault, but I’m doing it now because I don’t want us both to leave for months without you knowing how I feel now. Even though I don’t deserve to even be telling you this.”
Nico doesn’t know where to start with everything out in the open. “Just… what took so long, Nolan? Why now?” he decides to start off, meeting his gaze.
Nolan shook his head, sighing again, unashamed of the tears dripping down his face, “When we got eliminated, and I knew you guys were out of it before we were, but… I wanted to call you and just… vent, about everything, the season, and I wanted to hear from you too, and I know that it sounds worse when I’m saying it aloud that it took that for me to put it altogether, but then I just,” he pauses, laughing sadly, “I wanted to have that all the time, me calling you and talking about not just hockey and missing playoffs but life and what was going on and I just… I want it to be you, Nico, and I’m sorry. I’m just so fucking sorry.”
The tears don’t stop and Nico just can’t believe this is happening, that he’s forced to confront everything he’s felt for Nolan again. He sobs, his feelings too much, the weight of Nolan’s words too much, just everything was too much for him.
He feels ridiculous, standing in the middle of his apartment sobbing into his hands, unable to look him in the eye and come up with some coherent thought to address everything that’s been laid out. He thinks he deserves this, though, for Nolan to see just how deeply he had been hurt.
He doesn’t withdraw when Nolan closes the distance, wrapping his arms around Nico and holding him close, letting him cry into his chest while Nolan released his own, quieter cries, his fingers stroking Nico’s hair.
They stand like that for a while until Nico calms down enough to regain composure, stepping back and out of Nolan’s arms despite his heart screaming for him to stay right there, but for a few minutes he had to be at least a little logical.
Nico inhales deeply, rubbing the back of his own neck, hand cradling his elbow. “Nolan…” he sighs softly because part of him so badly wants to welcome him back with open arms and maybe, finally, have a chance at being something real that didn’t involve hotel rooms and unanswered text messages and photos of Nolan with other guys that weren’t Nico that he would cry over.
“I don’t expect you to answer me right now, or ever, but… I needed you to know. And I couldn’t just… call you, or something,” he laughs through his tears, “You probably wouldn’t have answered anyway if I did.”
The younger forward allows a quiet laugh at that, nodding in agreement. “You’re definitely right, I probably wouldn’t have.”
“And I’m sorry for making you cry more, just now,” he apologizes, another nervous laugh leaving his chest and Nico just rolls his eyes to accompany his short laugh, wishing he wouldn’t welcome the way Nolan could ease the air so quickly.
It’s silent again, and Nico is unsure of where to go from here. The feeling of wanting to Nolan to disappear has similarly dissipated, but he doesn’t think he can make such a big decision right now, not before he’s about to leave.
“Thank you for coming and telling me that, Nolan,” he prevents the use of nicknames, not wanting to make anything seem too familiar, too affectionate, “But I… I’m not ready to make that decision, I don’t think. Not after everything,” he breathes out through his nose, “And frankly, you don’t deserve to get an answer from me right away.”
Nolan sniffles, nodding slowly. “No, yeah, you’re right, I get it.”
“Just… let’s see, maybe.” Nico says slowly, unsure himself if this was what he wanted to do.
“Okay, yeah, sure,” Nolan perks up a little bit, the hint of a smile on his lips with the bit of hope Nico had given him.
He still wasn’t sure if Nolan deserved even that, but you do crazy things for people you love.
Nico returns a tight-lipped smile, hoping he wasn’t making yet another decision he would regret.
-
July in Switzerland is mild, never really getting above 20°C, just comfortable enough to be in shorts and a t-shirt without sweating too much.
It’s a bit on the warmer side, so Nico is running outside today, the rolling hills presenting a great challenge to him as always.
He’s feeling great, pushing for five miles in a large loop that ends back at his childhood home. Leaving his little habit behind in the States was the best thing he could’ve done and he’s starting to feel like himself again. He can run faster, skate harder, push longer, just like when he was seventeen. It was glorious.
When his watch signals that he’s met the five-mile mark, he slows to a jog and eventually comes to a stop, leaning over as he catches his breath, hands on his legs and music still blasting through his headphones.
The music is interrupted by the familiar iPhone ringtone. He removes his phone from the arm sleeve it’s in and sees Nolan is trying to FaceTime him. Emitting a laugh at how coincidental it was, he accepts the incoming call.
“Hey there, Hisch,” Nolan greets; they’ve gotten back to a nickname basis, something that took the first month or two to resume. He hears the heavy breathing and laughs. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”
Nico laughs again, shaking his head. “No! No, I just got done my run, you’re okay,” he assures him with a smile, grinning wide, still riding the runner’s high but maybe a little happy to be seeing Nolan’s face.
Things hadn’t been a walk in the park since Nolan came to visit; Nico thought long and hard on his flight home, struggling to decide if he should tell Nolan to get lost or if he should give him another chance. He waited almost a week to tell Nolan what he was thinking.
He decided on the latter, starting with just talking again. Simple text conversations every few days, nothing too serious, and Nico made sure to keep his distance. Nolan was behaving and the distance made it easier, not having to worry about seeing each other and making plans. They were both living their lives, focused on training and getting ready for the upcoming season while relaxing with their families.
Texting progressed to phone calls and phone calls progressed to hours on FaceTime, even if they weren’t doing anything except playing video games or accidentally falling asleep. He even added emojis next to Nolan’s name in his phone again, and Nolan never ignored his texts. He would even send things he thought Nico would find funny or cute, along with silly photos of himself and Nico would do the same, comfortable again with the man he never thought he would be with.
Nico felt like he was falling in love all over again – the right way, he hoped.
Once Nico recovers enough, he steps inside his home, eyes adjusting from the bright light outside to actually see the screen. He notes that Nolan isn’t in his usual location – glued to the brown suede couch in his childhood home in Winnipeg – or in any of the other variety of places Nolan would contact him from.
“Finally unstuck yourself from the couch, Nol?” he teased, propping the phone up behind the bathroom sink while he rinsed his face of the sweat.
“Hey, that’s enough out of you,” Nolan shot back, head bouncing as he walked with the phone to wherever he was going, “I’m uh, going somewhere.”
“Because that’s super specific,” Nico rolls his eyes before drying his face, standing straight up and taking the phone with him back to the kitchen to make himself lunch, “The only two places you leave the house to go are the gym and Chipotle, so it’s definitely one of those two, but it’s like seven AM where you’re at, so it’s gotta be the gym.”
Nico isn’t looking at the screen because he’s busy watching water boil on the stove, instead hearing Nolan’s laugh through the tiny speakers.
“You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”
“Sometimes, yeah, I speak three languages so I’m pretty smart,” he teases, and Nolan is probably rolling his eyes.
“Well, you’re wrong, not going to the gym, I’m going to visit a friend.”
Nico hoots in surprise, wondering where he could possibly be going at this hour that would also require a FaceTime call, “What person is worth waking up that early for? It’s a Tuesday, for crying out loud,” he asks as he tosses the pasta in the water before it’s really boiling, but he’s impatient and thinks this will somehow make the process quicker.
“It’s nothing crazy, I swear,” comes his simple reply which causes Nico to groan.
“You’re really not going tell me? You’re across the globe, what’re you keeping secrets for!” Nico insists as he searches in the fridge, phone still lying on the counter. Months ago something like that would bother him, Nolan keeping secrets, but things were so different now in a wonderful way, “Plus you ignored my FaceTime calls last night,” he says lightly, unfazed.
His train of thought is interrupted by the knock at the door. His mom left earlier to get groceries and probably needed a hand, so Nico runs to the door to free his mother of the trouble, grabbing his phone on the way.
“You know the point of FaceTime is that I see your face for some time, Nico,” Nolan scoffs.
“You whine a lot, you know that?” Nico comments as he approaches the door, opening it wide so his mom can fit in with her arms presumably full of bags.
“Do I really whine that much?” Nolan says, except Nico hears it from him at the door first before it comes through the speakers.
Nico’s voice gets caught in his throat.
“Nolan?” he asks in disbelief, smile cracking at the corners of his lips.
“It is I,” Nolan says, unable to hide his own excitement with the grin on his face. “I honestly wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do, because it’s only been a few months since we’ve been…”
“Okay, yeah,” Nico sighs, nodding in agreement. He probably wouldn’t have had the guts to do what Nolan did if the tables were turned, but boy was he glad he was here, something he never thought he would be thinking again.
He’s standing in front of him, clad in a t-shirt and jeans and sneakers, hat backwards over a head of hair that has been trimmed but is still ungodly long. He looks tired, presumably from being awake for God knows how long and Nico still wants to swoon at the sight of him.
“Yeah, that,” he laughs nervously, shoving his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, bag still slung over his shoulder, “I didn’t plan this all too well, honestly, but I just wanted to see you. For real,” he shrugs, “So I’m here.”
Nico can’t help but laugh, seeing Nolan here in the flesh, fresh off a too-long flight, standing on his door step like he was in April but under different pretenses.
“What is with you and showing up unannounced at my door, Patrick?” Nico teases gently, smirk dancing along his lips. Nolan’s cheeks flush deep red as he shrugs again.
“I want to say it’s the element of surprise, but I’m honestly just bad at planning things and kind of impulsive.” He admits, smiling shyly.
Nico doesn’t say anything for a moment, just drinking up the sight of Nolan actually on his doorstep in his little town, here because he wants to be with him.
“You make it hard to hate you, you know that?” Nico giggles out, staring at him fondly.
“I hope that’s a good thing, at least now, I mean,” he chuckles again nervously, and Nico doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to Nolan being so easily unnerved in front of him.
That’s how Nico finds himself kissing Nolan properly for the first time in months, gently, taking in every sensation.
Everything has been on Nico’s terms, so it only made sense that this was, too; Nico’s fingers found the fabric Nolan’s t-shirt and tugged him down for a kiss before giving it a second thought, every previous memory he held of what it was like to kiss Nolan flying out the window simultaneously. This was new, all soft, sweet, sober, and happy. It wasn’t desperate, wasn’t trying to fill any void or forget any bitter loss; it was a kiss to just kiss because that’s what you do when you’re in love.
Nolan was surprised, too, but quickly fell into it as one does, his hands finding Nico’s waist and holding him steady as they kissed in the doorway, a world away from everyone else who mattered because, right now, nothing was as important to Nico as having Nolan be completely and utterly his.
Nico is the one to pull back for air first, breathless, still mere centimeters away from Nolan’s lips, foreheads pressed together.
“Thank you for that,” Nolan breathes out, wearing a face-splitting grin.
“Just get inside, dammit, I’ve missed you so much,” Nico laughs before pulling the taller man inside, lunch forgotten (only for mom to yell at him later for burning the bottom of the pot) in exchange for thousands of kisses; after all, they had to make up for lost time.
They were far from perfect, Nico knew that, and things wouldn’t change right away – he still had his reservations - but he could feel his heart mending with every second he spent with Nolan in this new light. A few summer days together was only the beginning.
Finally, Nico knew, this was no mistake.