Work Text:
Somehow, he had managed to keep it a secret from Philip for a while, considering.
In this case, a "while" was a month, but that's a long time when you're living in close quarters with somebody else -- especially somebody as perceptive as Philip.
And for each day he managed to make it through without giving anything away, he allowed himself a tiny burst of pride.
But of course, there was no way he could keep it a secret for forever, and Philip eventually found out.
It happened late at night, after Shoutarou returned from a long case. He had stayed out for a little while after he had wrapped things up, just walking around. The cool breeze and the calm atmosphere helped to soothe him, but he decided it was about time to return when the pain in his chest became unbearable.
The door creaked open, and he was relieved when Philip wasn't around to greet him -- Shoutarou was too tired, too worn out from the day, to keep up his defenses. He didn't turn the lights on as he sat on his bed, preferring to stay in this silent, dark space. He felt safe here.
He unbuttoned his vest and slipped it off, and peeled his shirt off from his skin. And then, his undershirt. But there was still one more layer underneath all of that -- a layer made of two sports bras on top of each other, both doing their best to flatten his chest.
They never quite did a good enough job, though.
He waited a second before taking them off -- they felt like they crushed his chest, but that was the closest he got to feeling right.
"Shoutarou?" His head whipped around, eyes wide. He was frozen in place for a moment, before his hands flew into a flurry, trying desperately to pull on any article of clothing -- something to cover up what he had tried so hard to keep hidden.
"Ah, hey, Philip," he responded, feigning composure, his shirt haphazardly thrown on and his heart pounding in his chest. "Did you need something?"
"No, I just thought I heard you come home." Shoutarou wasn't sure what the confused look on Philip's face was supposed to mean, but he supposed he should be glad that it wasn't a look of disgust, at least.
"Well, yeah. I'm home. Sorry if I woke you," he said, lowering his head and running his hand through his hair. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Philip take a step closer, and he felt himself automatically tense up. Philip froze in his tracks, and when Shoutarou peeked up at him through his hair, he noticed he had his hand halfway stretched out.
"No, no I wasn't sleeping. But... Shoutarou... what are you wearing?"
Shoutarou forced out a laugh.
"This? This is a shirt, Philip. You should know that already." But the look on Philip's face -- one that told him he wouldn't accept one of his joke answers as a response -- caused him to sober up, and he sighed loudly. He ran a hand through his hair again, and patted the space on the bed next to him. When Philip hesitated, Shoutarou groaned and reached up, grabbing Philip's wrist and pulling him down.
"Sit. I've got... something to explain to you," he said, haltingly. Philip only nodded, uncharacteristicly silent.
"I'm... transgender," he finally got out.
"Transgender?" Philip asked, and Shoutarou could almost hear the unspoken "How compelling!"
"Look, okay, just... don't interrupt right now." Philip nodded again, and then Shoutarou thought of something else. "And don't do a lookup on this right now. I can tell you most anything you'd want to know. Probably." Holding eye contact with Philip began to overwhelm him, and Shoutarou looked down at his hands again.
"Okay, ah, well. It's like... when I was born, everybody thought I was a girl?" It wasn't a question, but it ended up coming out as one. Shoutarou still kept his head down, pretending for now that he was talking to himself. That made it easier. "But... I wasn't. I was a boy. I am a boy. Well. Man. I'm a man. I just... don't have the genitals that... a lot of people think I should." Shoutarou finally lifted his head a bit, and nodded slightly, letting Philip know that he was done talking.
"I see... Gender is far more complex than I originally thought..." Shoutarou couldn't help but laugh a little at that, much to Philip's confusion.
"Wait until you learn about non-binary genders," he clarified, and then held up his hand, preempting any questions from Philip.
"Ah, no, you can probably do a lookup on that, I'm not exactly an expert. But I can try and help if you need it. Not tonight though, sorry, I'm exhausted." He doubted he'd be able to help much, but he wasn't a hard-boiled detective for nothing -- his duty was to help anybody in need. "Oh, but... don't mention any of this to anybody, okay?" he added as an afterthought. Not that Philip really had anybody to tell, but Shoutarou was somewhat relieved to see him nod anyway.
"But... Shoutarou, you didn't tell me why you're wearing that," he said, pointing at Shoutarou's chest. Shoutarou forced out a laugh.
"Ah, this? It's to help compress my chest. So that it doesn't stick out." Philip leaned a little closer, trying to examine it. Shoutarou allowed him, knowing he wouldn't be satisfied until he learned what he wanted to know, even though being under Philip's scrutinising gaze made him feel... weird.
"That doesn't seem comfortable. Or safe," Philip stated firmly, leaning back again with a slight frown on his face. Was that concern that Shoutarou was seeing?
"Yeah, well. It isn't, really." They were both silent for a moment, and Shoutarou could practically hear the cogs in Philip's head moving. "But, okay, it's time for bed. I'm tired. Good night, Philip."
"I have no intention of sleeping yet, because I have things to do now, but nonetheless. Good night, Shoutarou," he said, standing up from the bed and sweeping downstairs, already deep in thought. Shoutarou smiled slightly. That went better than expected. He wasn't entirely sure why he hadn't just made up some lie for all of this, but he supposed that, despite everything, he really did trust Philip. Actually, he wasn't sure why he had kept it a secret for as long as he had. But at least it was out now, in any case.
Shoutarou took off his shirt and makeshift binder, and took his first unrestrained breaths since he put it on that morning. It caused a shooting pain in his chest, as it had for the past few weeks. It was starting to make him nervous, and he wasn't sure how much longer he could do this, but it wasn't as though he could afford to do anything else.
Sighing, Shoutarou put on his pajamas, turned over, and finally fell asleep.
He was woken up far too early by the sound of Philip's door opening and closing again.
"Philip?" he mumbled.
"Good morning, Shoutarou. I'm going out. You should go back to sleep." Shoutarou nodded sleepily, and turned back towards the wall, trying to avoid the light from the windows. He was only vaguely aware of the front door opening and closing.
He was properly awake, clothed and drinking coffee, when Philip came back, carrying a few bags and what Shoutarou thought was a sewing machine. Without saying anything, he swept downstairs. Shoutarou shrugged and took another drink of coffee, trying not to make a face at the taste.
Shoutarou decided to take it easy that day -- unless a case came along, of course. So he sat at his desk and grabbed one of the books he hadn't gotten around to reading yet.
Philip didn't resurface again for a few hours, and when he did, it was only to leave again. Shoutarou had no idea what was going on, or even if Philip had slept at all. But Shoutarou still didn't know a lot of things when it came to his partner. He was somehwat surprised at how relatively comfortable he felt around Philip after such a short amount of time, and reflected on that while he read and ignored the occasional loud noise from downstairs when Philip got back for the second time. He was sure Philip would let him know what was going on eventually.
The sun was beginning to set, casting the office in a golden light, when Philip finally came back upstairs without rushing off somewhere else immediately. He was holding something folded in his hand. Shoutarou looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to start talking.
"I did some research last night, and, as I suspected, the 'binder' -- as I believe they're called -- that you use is unsafe. Therefore, using what I had learned, I made this," he said, sliding what he had in his hands across the desk. Shoutarou picked it up and shook it out, marvelling at how much it looked like the expensive binders he hadn't been able to buy.
"I'm sorry if it doesn't fit well, but I'm confident that it will be more comfortable than what you're wearing now."
"Ah... thank you, Philip." He felt his throat get tight. He never would get used to people doing anything for him.
"I can't have my partner passing out during a battle, right?" he answered, smiling slightly. It was still a pleasant surprise to Shoutarou whenever Philip called him his partner. Shoutarou decided to try on the new binder as soon as he could.
But Philip still looked like he had something else he wanted to say.
"Hm? What is it, Philip?"
"In my research," he began, and he almost looked somewhat nervous, "I also came across non-binary genders." Shoutarou stayed quiet, giving Philip the same respect he had shown him last night. "I believe that I might be non-binary. Is... that okay?" he asked, with a note of uncertainty that Shoutarou had never heard from him before. Shoutarou got up and walked around his desk, putting his hand on their shoulder.
"Of course, partner," he said, before he pulled him into a hug.